To My Beloved Sister Twilie and Her Friends
I just got a very brief note from my aunt Celestia telling me to take over her and Luna’s responsibilities as your supervisor for the following week. I think that it is just fantastic and it would be even better if we hang out together - I’m slowly getting bored spending all days at my palace. I love my husband very much, but there’s nothing wrong with us having some girl time together, right?
I really want to get to know you and your friends better, because I got the feeling as if just reappeared in your life all of the sudden.
The note also mentioned a side project you are working on. Aunt Luna already hoofed me over your existing work on the Cutie Marks, but I didn’t find Applejacks report you mentioned among them, so that one should be re-done I think. I’ll ask Applejack to do it again personally.
I also may have heard that Fluttershy has some questions about the speciality of mine, ars amandi. You can treat me as a hotline, I know everything. They don’t call me Mi Amore for nothing!
With Love, Love, Love
Cadance
PS. I thought about going to Ponyville’s spa with you girls! What do you think about it?
Dear Princess Cadance
I’d like to start with some good news - I’ll be replacing Twilight this week as the Canterlot-Ponyville mail censor, as our librarian said she is in desperate need for vacation. My guess was a tad different though, for when we got your letter she burst into tears crying that you are going “to steal her friends for yourself too, just as you did with her brother”. My, my, some mood swings we have, don’t we.
Taking over some of Twilight’s duties comes with Spike being here each day for at least few hours, so things can get awkward at times. To be honest, I constantly think how to handle the ongoing situation with him, with neither completely shattering his chances for a healthy relationship in future nor me becoming a number one town’s creep as a stigmatized fillyphile or dragon equivalent for it. Nestlingphile?
Anyway, if the situation becomes really desperate, I heard about some really... anatomically correct pony dolls. Maybe one of them will help him get over it. You know, it’s really strange to write all those things and know that he is probably drooling a few meters away, on the other side of my cabinet’s door.
You know what’s really frustrating? That unless I or Twilight get out of the town for good, it’s going to be always like this. It’s not like he is going to grow up without Twilight’s “permission” and that means letting Spike go on a plunder night.
Now the bad news. Look, I’ve read your letter and I know exactly what’s going on. I know that you are newly wed, but it doesn’t mean you have to immediately start the search for some young friends to have an excuse for leaving your house. Besides, it’s not like you don’t have a dozen spas there in Canterlot.
Let’s keep it professional
Rarity
PS. Don’t call your sister-in-law Twilie. She goes nuts everytime she hears it.
PS 2. I’m attaching Rainbow’s letter along. I didn’t read it, but try not to be offended.
What’s up Cadallac
Nice name I made up for you, ain’t it. Well, you’d better like it, because the second best I can think of is like Livid Lover. Seriously, what’s up with your wings. They’re livid, mare. Does your husband beat ya? Ha, just kidding.
Anyway, I had some questions regarding your so called ‘specialty’. Well it’s not me who started that gossip about your filly years. Look, I’m not guessing what you were doing when you didn’t foalsit Twi, but I know some ponies and heart-shaped Cutie Marks don’t just appear by themselves. I mean you still hit the jackpot. Hearts are at least ambiguous. When I was going to Cloudsdale’s school one colt showed up in class one day, and he had his own hoof as a Cutie Mark. Ended up wearing robes his entire life. I mean when he is not busy utilising his talent. But we all know who this creep is.
So, in Ponyville and Cloudsdale everyone (at least the ponies I know) do respectful jobs (or are unemployed slackers, and it makes me suspicious), but Ponyville is not the end of Equestria.
I won’t beat around the bush anymore. You ever seen a whore? Like somepony with “giving a head” Cutie Mark? Or, I dunno, someone named Tight-Night Spankle? I’m just curious, we were told that our talent can be anything.
Be hearin from ya
RD
“Dear” Rarity
I think I don’t have to write how displeased I was with your last letter. But, silly me, what more could I expect coming from some low-class tailor. Sure, just bash me for even trying to be friends with the acquaintances of a pony I used to foal-sit.
I don’t think you’re frustrated with poor Spike. No, you just want to have fun cockteasing him to death, and I think it’s even more sick than having your way with him because that way the Ponyville’s police would lock you up, and Spike would finally get some professional help from a shrink.
The real reason you are “frustrated” is that you can’t really leave that hole called Ponyville. Oh, did I accidentally hit on a sore point? Yes, I noticed how you hanged out with our mutual friend Fancypants at my wedding. I’m sure that he’ll be looking for another trophy wife in near future. Stay tuned, it may be your chance to enter the high society for up to three weeks.
Without any pleasure
Cadance
PS. Tell Rainbow Dash, that yes, I heard about her parents. She’ll understand.
PS 2. Just do those stupid reports and let’s get this over with.
Now listen you in-bred eye candy.
We don’t know where or when did you get the right to judge us, but I guess it’s a part of what’s wrong with you. Hay, it’s a part of what’s wrong with your entire family. Let’s make a short list.
1. Your dear Aunt sends your other aunt for a thousand years long trip and a strange “no hard feelings” line is wonderfully enough to make up for it? Please, it’s like Luna is still one step away from a death sentence. No wonder she just let things happen when things got ugly back then on your wedding day. If I were her, I’d probably took a leap of faith and supported those black cheese things.
2. It’s better be a “trophy wife” for a day than to even walk closely to your cousin for a minute.
3. Your family’s relations with Twilight’s family is like really, really weird. First, Celestia takes Twilight under her close supervision and keeps her away from her parents for like her entire life. Oh yes, but it started earlier! Because who was around with her when her parents were away? That’s right, you were. And then you are wooed with her brother. What’s next? Getting Twilight together with that jerk cousin of yours?
And yes, Rarity has every right to be frustrated. She is a dressmaker in an almost completely nude society. She did some huge deals with Canterlot folks, and what good did it do to her? Absolutely none. But no, it is YOU that has some big problems. Oh no! I’m no longer a strong, independent mare! I have responsibilities now! Quick, I need to have my hooves filed along with mares half my age. That’s the spirit!
Anyway, we think that this little exchange can end now. To assure that there are no hard feelings between us, we send gifts with this letter. The first one is Rarity’s old book on cleaning magic - I’m sure it will come in handy as you need to learn how to be a housewife, princess. The second gift is a bottle of lube. Consider it a gift for your husband you sapless jade.
Rare and Radical Squad
“Are you sure we want to write it down?” Rainbow Dash scratched her head and looked at Rarity.
“Come on, darling, it’s not like there’s anything to fight for here anyway. And believe me, it’s going to be weeks until she speaks about it with anypony, and certainly not with Shining Armor”, said Rarity and giggled.
“Well, ” Rainbow Dash took a deep breath, “but you’re writing your name under this one, Rares.”
PS. I’m most sorry for telling you it in these circumstances, but I guess that when the honesty hour comes we speak all the truth. And the truth is that you are a gay beard. A huge, bushy one. That’s right. And believe me, I know a very reliable source. But you know, who else do I know? Well all the ponies I got to know at Canterlot’s cultural events. It’s really easy to recognise a cultural event - you’re never attending. So unless you don’t want to taste a little more fame, please shut your snout.
Love, Love, Love
Rarity
Dear Princess Cadance
I’m happy, that I finally brought myself to write to you. I was supposed to write a report on unusual Cutie Marks among the Pegasus Tribe. In my research I may have gone... too far. You know, um, like sneaking up on ponies and peeping. From distance, with binoculars. I may have also seen some stallion being... intimate with somepony. Or someTHING. I figured out I could use some help with understanding it.
Anyway, today I had a guest in my cottage, and you should be looking at her right now. Unless she confused you with somepony else. It happens. Earlier today, I had a really nice long talk with her, as she is a pegasus with a very unique Cutie Mark, and it is certainly not connected to her work. Some ponies don’t even know what her mark really represents.
But I know it now, and I’ll be really happy to include her point of view in my part of the report. If, of course, you have the time to do it. I won’t be mad if you don’t.
Your friend
Fluttershy
Fluttershy
Now is not really the time. And frankly, I don’t care about your so-called research.
As for your problem with ‘understanding things’, you’ll run into a lot of freaks and deviants in your life. Just deal with it. But it also would require coming out of your shack, so maybe you’re safe after all. And why are you doing this “um” things in letters? It doesn’t even make sense.
Cadance
Dear Girls
I’m (we are - Luna) happy to announce, that we are leaving the hospital soon. The fate decided, that there were just hospital beds left in the Canterlot’s General, and they were next to each other. It was a rough night back then, but you have to taste some hard love from time to time, you know? Where they chop wood, chips fly.
Anyway, we had a lot of time to talk things through. Sometimes it’s just a thing to do. To drop the curtains, to forget the courtesy. To speak your mind, say what you are feeling in your gut without holding back. Otherwise, we are just all fumbling in the dark, eyes shrouded with preconceptions and failed judgements. Yes, it sometimes can get messy (look who’s talking, they recognised me as their princess two days after submitting me to the hospital! - Luna) and there’s gonna be some dust on the battlefield - but when this dust finally falls down, your perception is crystal clear again, free of any stains, flawless.
I think that we all can benefit from this lesson in friendship. I’m sure that Princess Cadance will be glad to hear it as well - by the way, she already sent back our existing research to Princess Luna (she must have forgot to send the new ones though).
Anyway, I think it was a long week for all of us and we are looking forward to wrap the whole Cutie Mark project up.
Always thinking about you all
Princess Luna and Applejack
To be concluded.