Screwball’s Adventure Into Beating Down a Dick
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“Crazy old Maurice, ay? Crazy old Maurice. Hmm.
LeFou I’m afraid I’ve been thinking.”
“A dangerous pastime—”
“I know,
But that wacky old coot is Belle’s father
And his sanity’s only so-so.
Now the wheels in my head have been turning
Since I looked at that loony old man,
See I promised myself I’d be married to Belle—”
“Which just shows how you’re a horrible man.”
Everyone in the bar stopped, quickly looking around in confusion, before spotting a girl leaning against the bar, mug of beer in hand.
However, this girl was not at all dressed like the three whom had swooned over Gaston during LeFou’s song about the man.
In fact, she may as well have been naked. She was wearing a pink shirt that had no sleeves, with what looked like a screw and some kind of white ball imprinted on the front. Her legs were completely bare, covered only by shorts that barely reached above her knees and tight to the skin.
On her feet were boots meant for men.
However, if her bewildering outfit wasn’t enough to through off every single person in the bar, her hair and eyes were. They were unnatural colours. Her hair was a mess of curls that were coloured purple and white.
Her eyes, impossibly, were also purple, but instead of pupils, they were spirals.
“Hey!” the bartender said angrily, but clearly worried too. “No kids allowed in my bar!”
The girl just shrugged, taking a gulp of the beer from her mug, before making a face. “Bleh. This is what people in this age liked drinking?” She stuck her tongue out in a clearly over exaggerated manor. “No wonder so many died early deaths.”
“Girl, what in the blazes are you doing in here?” Gaston demanded. What in the world was that girl in here for? How did she even get in?
The girl looked over at him, before shrugging, tossing her mug over her shoulder, causing the bartender to frankly run to catch it, getting drenched in the remnants of the contents within it.
“Got bored back home. With Cheese Legs beaten, things have settled down. Two weeks without any kind of incident, even in the EQG world.”
Gaston cocked an eyebrow in confusion, before looking around at the rest of the bar, similar expressions meeting his. What was this girl going on about?
“So, I decided to do some exploring across the multiverse,” she continued, stretching. “Decided to go at random and I ended up in this world. Got confused at first, but it turns out this timeline ain’t the same as the movie’s.”
Movie’s? What?
“Popped up outside his home around the time he was in the forest. Expected her to ride out on her horse, but got befuddled when she was riding in that carriage from earlier in the movie,” the girl went on, scratching her head. “Caught me off guard, I’ll admit. That’s when I looked into the matter and saw the different timelines. The original is still going on with Dickton over here putting an innocent man in an Insane Asylum in order to force someone to marry him against their will,” she lazily indicated to Gaston, “but I was curious how this timeline would work with them not going home at all.”
She yawned, before putting her hands behind her head, looking up at the ceiling.
“Instead of leaving him to go save him, she rode in that carriage, picked him up and went back. The staff are helping him recover.” She shrugged. “Guess she was being smart this time round. Makes more sense, that’s for sure and means their realtionshop is more likely to bloom, her admitting her love for him without him coming close to death. Leaves you with nothing.”
“Wait, wait, wait,” Gaston said loudly, cutting her off, causing her to look to him with a mixture of confusion and annoyance. “Just what in the world are you babbling about, child? And does your father know about your wandering out in public in such lewd attire?”
The girl blinked at him, cocking an eyebrow. “Wow. Didn’t think you had the brains to know what “lewd” even means, Dickton.”
At once, his brows furrowed. “Stop calling me that. Show some respect to your elders.”
The girl blinked, before roaring with laughter, causing everyone to jump.
“Elder? Respect? You? Puh-lease!” She stood up on her stood, arms folded as she looked firmly at him, a smirk plastered on her lips. “I’m older than any of you. And, as for respect, I’ll give you the amount of it you deserve, Dickton. And that’s none.”
“Hey!” the girl glanced to her right as a large man with a blonde beard lunged at her.
Surprisingly, she just smirked, catching his arm in her own and, to the wide eyes of all present, flipped him over her head onto his front, twisting his arm behind him.
“Really?” she folded her arms, a disapproving look on her face. “Attacking what looks like a child?”
Gaston cocked an eyebrow, before rubbing his chin. “What’s your name, child?”
She glanced to him, her smirk returning. “And here I thought you had no manners at all. The name’s Screwball.”
“Considering her babbling, it’s a fitting name,” one guy mumbled to the guy next to him, only to suddenly find his face meeting to floor, the girl standing atop his head.
“Might wanna hold back on those smartass comments there, bucko,” she said, twisting her foot. “Leave it to those with actual brains. Also, am I the only one who is confused how Gaston is even alive?”
Everyone looked to each other, very confused.
“Oh, come on, guys,” she said, looking… disappointed. “You’re medical science isn’t that bad at this point in history.”
She hopped over to a bench and leaned against it, pointing her thumb at Gaston.
“He brags about how, as a kid, every morning he’d eat four dozen eggs. Four dozen, people. Half a dozen a day is a hell of a lot, no matter how you cut it. See, an egg has 187 mg of cholesterol, and the recommended limit is 300 mg per day—or only 200 mg if you have diabetes or risk factors for heart disease. And he was eating eight times that amount every morning.” She puts her hands behind her head. “Logically speaking, this idiot should’ve been dead before he got to the age of ten. And that’s not even getting into the fact he now eats five dozen every morning now.”
Everyone just stared at each other, before looking towards Gaston with concern.
“What?” he said, showing off his muscles. “I’m perfectly healthy. Look at me.”
“Hey,” everyone looked to a woman by the bar, whom was standing next to the man LaFou had humiliated by removing the belt of. She was looking with confused worry at this Screwball. “What did you mean… Dick- I mean Gaston, putting an innocent man in an Insane Asylum in order to force someone to marry him against their will?”
At once, the Scewball’s smirk became sinister as she glanced towards the man. “Oh, I’m so glad you asked, m’lady. Now, first, I ask of you all,” she put her hands behind her back, looking around at everyone in the bar, “specifically, the men whom are married, would you have wanted to force your wives to marry you if they hadn’t wanted to.”
At once, all the married men’s expressions became dark.
“How dare you even suggest such a thing?”
“I’d never have forced my Gisele to marry me if she hadn’t wanted to!”
“Only a sick man would force a woman to marry them against her will!”
“Oh, really?” That sinister smirk returned, once more aimed at Gaston. He did not like that look… and was getting a really bad feeling from it.
“Why do you keep looking at Gaston like that?!” LaFou demanded.
“Because, that’s exactly what dear old Gaston here intends to do to Belle.”
There was a silence, answered only by the wind outside and the faint sounds of Maurice calling out, begging someone to help him save Belle from “The Beast”.
“Wh… wha?” the bartender looked confused.
“Gaston here intends to have “Crazy old Maurice” committed to an insane asylum,” she said, all heads turning to the man. “Am I wrong?”
Gaston looked around, before folding his arms. “So? He’s rambling about a beast. If that isn’t insanity, I don’t know what is.”
“Belle wouldn’t want that,” Screwball sat down on the edge of the table, leaning on one arm. “She’d do anything to prevent that from happening.”
“Indeed,” Gaston smirked, grabbing his shirt proudly. “She’ll willingly become my bride if I offer to stop it.”
“So, just to be clear, so everyone here knows,” Screwball said, her tone in mock shock, “Gaston won’t have Crazy old Maurice committed if Belle agrees to become his bride. But, what if she refuses you?”
He snorted. “Then I’ll indeed have him committed.”
There was a long silence, during which Gaston blinked, going over what he’d just said… and not liking it.
“So, basically, you’re leaving Belle to choose between marrying you or losing her father?” Screwball gave a fake gasp. “You’d force her into marriage to save her father?”
“It’s not forcing her,” he stated firmly. “I’m merely giving her a choice.”
“One where either she marries you or never sees her father again?” one of the men says, standing up. “That’s literally forcing her, Gaston. I never thought I’d hear you, of all people, say something like that.”
“I promised myself I’d marry the girl,” Gaston said defensively.
“Uh huh,” Screwball folded her arms, deadpanning. “But did you ask her if she actually wants to marry you?”
“There’s no need,” Gaston snap, very annoyed now. “She will because I want her to.”
He glanced around, noticing how suddenly no one but LaFou was looking at him with smiles. In fact, they were all dirty looks.
Screwball snickered.
“Gosh it seems you fucked up this time, Gaston,
Now you’ve gone put your rep in the dumps.
Every guy here’d like to beat your ass to a pulp, Gaston,
Be happy to leave your face covered in lumps.
There’s no longer a man in town who admires you.
You’re no longer everyone’s favourite guy!
Now everyone’s disgusted and appalled by you,
And it’s not very hard to see why!
No one’s sick as Gaston,
No one’s a prick as Gaston.
No one willing to force girls onto his dick against their will as Gaston.
For there’s no man in town half as unwanted.
Twisted, a pure deceptive con!
You can ask any Tom, Dick, or Stanley,
And they’ll tell you who’s team they’d never be on!”
“On one’s big like Gaston,
A heartless hick like Gaston.”
“No one’s got an ego more than the size Berlin like Gaston.”
Gaston grabbed at the girl, but she easily dodged him.
“As a specimen, you should see me as intimidating!”
“Ha, not a chance there, Gaston!”
“Give five "hurrahs",
Give twelve "dick hits"!”
“Gaston’s not the best,
And he hates how it fits!”
“No one fights like Gaston,
Has no honour like Gaston!”
“In abusing one as loyal as LeFou, no one’s better like Gaston.”
“For there’s no one as burly and brawny.”
“Watch, brat, or your life I won’t spare!”
“Somehow not a bit of him scraggly or scrawny?”
“Shut up brat, or you’ll soon be in despair!”
She snorted. “Ha. I highly doubt it.”
“No one hits like Gaston,
Is somehow not as unhealthy like Gaston!
In a spitting match nobody spits like Gaston!
“He even thinks he should be rewarded for expectorating!”
“Go on and get bent, Gaston!”
“He murdered Bambi's mom just for the thrills,
Expecting he’d never get found out,
And now you all know, he has no respect
So he should leave before he becomes a criminal at large!”
“No one shoots like Gaston,
Should leave town like Gaston.”
“Get out before you’re trampled to death, now, Gaston!”
“I’ll show you all,
“It’s me you’ll soon be repaying!”
“Beat it, ya bum, Gaston!”
They all watched as he stomped off out the bar and into the night.
“So… what happens now?” LeFou looked to the girl, clearly not sure who to turn to.
She pulled out a sheet of paper as large as a map, scanning it, before folding it up and pocketing it. “Well, he won’t be making good on his threat to make you all repay him, that’s for sure.”
“Huh?” everyone looked around in confusion.
“Guess I should clear I few things up,” she said… causing all jaws to drop when she started floating. “I’m watch you’d call a princess of Chaos. I’m kinda like a version of those Fairy Godmothers, only I don’t have a restricted role.”
She snapped her fingers, causing a twenty layer cake to appear on one of the tables.
It took a second for everyone to realize it was a wedding cake, topped with a man and woman dressed in blue and yellow respectively.
“What’s this for?” LeFou asked, very confused.
“Well, if I’ve got my timing right,” Screwball looked to some kind band on her wrist, “in about three days, you’ll hear about a very special wedding.”
“What kind of wedding?” a yellow bearded man asked, cocking his head.
She snickered. “You’ll find out. As for Gaston, he’s gonna wind up taking part fighting on the wrong side of a fight in Paris outside Notre Dame.”
Concerned confused went among the bar.
“A fight outside Notre Dame?”
“Who would want to fight outside such a sacred place?”
“A man with seriouysly twisted delusions,” Screwball sighed, shaking her head, her arms folded. She then smiled. “Whelp, this timeline’s all set. I’ll be off, madams and monsieurs. Enjoy the wedding.”
With that, she snapped her fingers and was just gone.
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Beast looks to his rose, before looking away sadly. “Then... you-you must go to him.”
Belle pauses, before stepping closer. “What did you say?”
“I release you,” Beast doesn’t turn to look at her. “You’re no longer my prisoner.”
Belle looks to him. “You mean… I-I’m free?”
Beast looks to her. “Yes.”
Belle’s expression becomes one of gratitude, putting hand over his paw. “Oh, thank you.” She turns to leave. “Hang on, papa. I’m on my way.” She looks back to Beast. “Where’s the carriage you sent my father away in before?”
Beast pauses, looking confused now. “Um… by the stables. Why?”
She nods. “I’ll be back as soon as I can.” She hugs him. “I’m forever grateful for this.”
She hurries off, leaving the Beast standing there, his expression blank.
“Well, that is the logical thing for her to do.”
He starts, looking around, before he sees a small purple fly smiling down at him.
I buzz down, morphing like a tornado into my human form.
He blinks several times, before scowling. “Wait. I know you. You were there, the night this all started.”
I blink, putting a finger to my chin, before nodding. “Ah, yes. I remember now.” I frown, rubbing my chin. “Huh? So I was teleporting so fast I didn’t realize I’d arrived during the events of the flashback in the Christmas special. Go figure.”
“I… what?” Beast looks like he can’t decide between being angry or confused.
I float up, sitting atop his ruined four poster bed. “Gotta say, your timeline works much easier for you, Your Highness. Your Belle actually uses reason when going to save her father.”
“I… I don’t understand,” he shakes his head, before frowning. “Where’d you go all those years ago? How come you don’t look like you’ve aged a day? What do you mean about Belle?”
I pout, resting a check in one hand. “Geeze, do I have to spell it out for you? Belle is going to use the carriage you sent Maurice away in the day she arrived to go get him and then bring him back here to the castle. He’ll be far better off recovering here than the town where everyone thinks he’s loopy” I twirl my finger by my ear while sticking out my tongue and making a goofy expression, “because he’s been saying his daughter is being held prisoner by a ferocious beast.”
“But I’m not holding her prisoner!” he says defensively, before sagging his shoulders. “I just released her, dooming myself to be stuck like this forever for her.”
“Man, you really don’t see it,” I sigh, before shrugging. “Well, guess that’s for the best. It’ll work more naturally that way.”
“You never make sense, do you?” he asks, deadpan.
I wink. “There’s no fun in making sense. Anyway, just be sure Maurice gets better… try to be nice to him so he understand you’ve changed and things should work out, Your Majesty.”
He frowns. “I don’t suppose you’ll explain what you mean and…?” He stops, blinking. “Wait. Belle will come back?”
“Yes!” I say, holding my arms in the air. “Sheesh. How long’s it gonna take to get through to you. Is all that fur on your head making it harder for everything to sink in. Belle’s coming back.”
“But… why?” he looks very confused. “She… she has no reason to stay.”
I blink, before facepalming. “Oh my God, you are clueless.” I sigh. “Just go along with things, help her father get better and you’ll see what happens. It’ll be worth it, I promise.”
I snap my fingers, the world around me warping, revealing Sunset’s apartment, said bacon-haired girl sitting at her kitchen table, a microwave ready in front of her, looking very perplexed as I’m floating cross-legged in the air above the table.
“Um… Screwball?” she asks, cocking her head to the side. “Why are you floating above my table?”
I cock an eyebrow myself, looking around in confusion. “Huh? Guess my aim was a little off. Was aiming for home.” I shrug. “Eh, whatever. Later, Sun Shim.”
I snap my fingers teleporting back to Equestria, leaving a very confused Sunset behind.