Guilty Pleasures
Chapter Three; Teatime Chat
Rainbow Dash fiddled with her hooves, eyes fixed down into her lap. The sharp smell of a strong tea bit at her nostrils, a steaming cup sat directly in front of her. Beyond that, across the table, was a problem she wasn’t ready to face. A disaster waiting to happen. A friend she’d betrayed.
“You haven’t touched your tea,” Rarity noted idly, though her faraway tone told of how much she cared.
“I, uh…” Rainbow swallowed thickly, glancing up just enough to see her cup and grab it. A shaky hoof brought it to her lips and tipped it back, only for her to hiss in pain as the scalding liquid fell on her tongue. She covered it with a cough. “It’s good.”
A dry chuckle forced Rainbow to lift her eyes. “It’s too hot, right?” Rarity sighed. “I tried using my magic, like… like Twilight taught me, but… I’m afraid I haven’t quite gotten the hang of it yet.”
Rainbow flinched. “No, no not at all!” She clenched her eyes shut and forced a mouthful down her throat. The taste was all but non-existent as she felt the pain traveling down her chest. “It’s… fine…” she frowned, swirling her tongue around her mouth and noting the lack of sensation.
“You’re just humouring me,” Rarity muttered, then she looked up, and she smiled. “But thank you anyway.”
Rainbow felt like throwing up. “So…” she trailed off, not wanting the conversation to start but wishing for the silence to end.
Rarity nodded. “So indeed.” She paused, blew gently across her cup, and took a sip. “Well, I suppose I won’t get anywhere stewing in silence, will I?” With a breath, her entire body seemed to inflate as she sat a little straighter, held her head a little higher. “Twilight’s-”
“Why are you talking to me about this?” Rainbow cut in quickly, cringing inwardly at her own cowardice. Anything to delay the actual conversation. “I mean, romance isn’t exactly my thing and, uh…” she shuddered. “You would know Twilight better than I do.”
“Ordinarily, I would agree with you,” Rarity said, a pensive frown on her muzzle as she swirled her tea, staring into it. “If you’d told me a few months ago I’d be coming to you of all ponies about personal problems, well…” she giggled. “I’d not have believed a word.”
Rainbow couldn’t keep the indignation out of her voice. “What’s that supposed to mean?” I do better than you, apparently. She cursed herself for the thought. Hated that she knew it was true.
Rarity looked up again, wincing slightly. “Nothing insulting, I assure you. Just that… well as you say; romantic relationships aren’t your… ‘thing’. I’d sooner go to Fluttershy about these kinds of problems than you or, say, Applejack. But… well, nothing about this is ordinary.”
“So why me?” Rainbow asked again, forcing herself to meet Rarity’s eyes and dampen her knee-jerk reaction.
“Because you’ve been spending quite a bit of time with Twilight lately,” Rarity said, shrugging casually.
Rainbow’s felt her heart stop. “Wh-who told you that? I-I don’t-”
“You don’t?” Rarity sounded genuinely confused. “I mean, I didn’t know for sure, I suppose, but I just assumed- the Wonderbotls are often in the same city as her, and I’d heard that she attended your shows whenever she could. I thought you’d get together in your off time. Am I wrong?”
“I- I mean, yeah, I guess...” She bit her lip. What was more suspicious?
Rarity’s shoulders slumped. “But… well, that’s not really the whole truth. I came to you because… you’re the Element of Loyalty, right?”
Rainbow’s stomach curled in on itself. “Y-yeah… I’m loyal, alright…” she heard the bitterness in her tone, but Rarity seemed to miss it.
“Truthfully, I’ve been worried about how… faithful I’ve been to Twilight. I’m concerned that’s why she’s grown distant.”
“Faithful?” Rainbow’s eyebrows lifted, and she gasped. “Rarity! You… you haven’t been… cheating on her, have you?” The word was uttered in a hushed whisper but seemed to thicken the air in the room. As it passed Rainbow's lips it left a foul taste in her mouth that lingered long after it had left.
Rarity all but jumped out of her chair. “Cheating!? Good heavens, Rainbow Dash, no! Of course not! I could never-” she stopped herself and took a breath, and Rainbow realised she did so the same way Twilight did.
“What I mean to say,” Rarity continue in a calmer tone, “Is that I’m having… problems balancing my obligations - my loyalties, if you will.”
“O-Oh…”
Rarity giggled. “Honestly, Rainbow Dash, I may have phrased it poorly, but you should know I would never cheat on Twilight - she means far too much to me.”
Rainbow’s jaw clenched tight, and bile rose in the back of her throat. Of course; Rarity wouldn’t even consider doing something like that. How could she? She was actually a decent pony. “I-I dunno,” Rainbow said shakily, “Just… the way you said it, I guess. A-anyway, what do you mean?”
“It’s just…” Rarity gestured vaguely at nothing in particular. “Twilight’s been spending a lot of time away, recently,” she said, staring solemnly into her cup. “I know it’s important, and everything, but… well, I still miss her. Then I started thinking - what she’s doing isn’t so different from what I do to her, is it? I’m often traveling between my other stores, usually for a month or more at a time, and… we don’t really see each other. Of course I always miss her, but I’m just so busy, I don’t really think about it. Don’t really think about her.
“But now that she’s the one gone, and I’m here… I think I’m realizing how much I might have hurt her - and with this impromptu trip to the Crystal Empire… I can’t help but feel like she’s trying to tell me something. Give me a taste of my own medicine, as it were; she didn’t even stop to say hello, just a letter, then she was gone.” Rarity sighed, shaking her head. “I’m afraid the time I spent away made her feel-”
“Neglected,” Rainbow deadpanned before she could stop herself.
Rarity nodded. “Exactly! I suppose I was just wondering… well, firstly if Twilight had said anything to you about it, but also how you balance the Wonderbolts with your friends; you make it home quite a bit more often than I do sometimes. I don’t want to lose Twilight because I’m too wrapped up in my work to see her suffering.”
“Sh-she… hasn’t said anything…” Rainbow tried to ignore the pounding in her chest. The way the tips of her hooves and wings felt numb. “As for how I balance everything…” I care, some part of herself cried, I make an effort. I’m there for her when you’re not. Her hoof gripped her cup hard as she forced those thoughts to the deepest corner of her mind. She hated those feelings, hated the part of her that thought of them, hated herself for wanting to agree. “I dunno. I mean, the wings help, I guess,” she said lamley, glancing over her shoulder. “It’s not too hard to fly back home between training.”
Slouching forward, Rarity nodded. “I suppose it would just come naturally to you,” she said, a hint of hollow laughter on her tone. “It’s not so easy for the rest of us.”
“I never said it was easy,” Rainbow correctly tersely. “Just that… y’know; it’s not something I think about.” She looked anywhere but at the unicorn in front of her. It felt like she was being torn in half; one side of her wishing desperately to help her friend, and the other wishing Rarity would just give up. Some dark part of herself whispering in her ear that with Rarity out of the picture she could have Twilight to herself. Give Twilight what the mare clearly wanted.
Twilight was miserable with Rarity. She’d said so over and over. It was the entire reason they were in this situation. It was what had let to those three terrible, horrible words being uttered that night. Those words that should have never been shared between them.
I love you, she had said. And Twilight had returned it. And Rainbow had meant it, no matter how much she regretted it.
But Rarity… Rarity made everything complicated. Rarity made Twilight sad. Rarity made Twilight cry.
Unless… maybe it wasn’t Rarity making Twilight cry. Maybe it was something else. Somepony else.
The thought made Rainbow’s heart beat harder. More painfully. Every thump like a hammer driving a nail deeper into her.
“I really don’t know how you do it,” Rarity admitted, running her hoof around the rim of her cup, gaze distant. “My other stores need me. This store needs me. You girls need me. My sister needs me. Twilight needs me. I don’t… how am I supposed to decide who’s more important?”
“Twilight’s more important than your stupid dresses!” Rainbow snapped, before quickly clamping her muzzle shut with her hooves. The blood drained from her face as her eyes met Rarity’s, the unicorn’s face one of shock. “I-I mean-...” She knows now. She has to know. There’s no way-
Rarity nodded slowly. “I… you’re right, Rainbow Dash.”
Rainbow had to catch her jaw before it hit the table. “I-I am?”
Again, Rarity nodded. “Of course you are; she’s… she’s Twilight. She’s my marefriend, for Celestia’s sake, and I… I put my work ahead of her. Of course she’d feel like I don’t care about her. Not as much as I should, anyway.
“It’s funny, in a strange way.” Rarity laid her head in her hooves atop the table. “I really noticed her absence while I was working on my dresses the other night, after I got her letter. She used to sit with me while I worked. She’d bring a book and I’d make her a cup of tea and she’d sit there reading while I lost myself in my work. We didn’t even talk - not really, but… it was nice, spending that time with her. The very thing that drove her away is a part of what I miss most…”
Rainbow watched Rarity’s eyes shimmering as she lost herself in her memories. “Rarity-”
“I… I don’t think I ever did anything like that for her…” Rarity sniffled, and a tissue was summoned in her magical glow. “She would take time out of her life just to spend it with me, no matter what I was doing, and I was too selfish to do the same for her.” Her sorrow shifted as her eyes hardened. “Selfish. That’s what I am; selfish. The Element of Generosity, and I couldn’t give her even a little of my time. Dresses and ribbons and shoes and gems - I give them all away so freely, but the one thing that really matters, that would really make a difference - my time - I couldn’t spare her a single second.”
“Rarity, stop,” Rainbow said, wishing her voice was firmer. It’s your fault. “It’s not your fault.” Twilight deserves better. “Twilight could have said something.” You’re making me feel guilty. “You can’t just blame yourself.”
Rainbow knew she had nopony to blame but herself for the thoughts she refused to acknowledge. Knew they were a part of her. The same part of her that had let her fall in love with a mare she could never have.
But that was why this was happening, right? It had to stop.
I don’t want it to stop. Rainbow felt like she choked on the breath in her lungs. She didn’t want it to stop. But it had to. Look what you’re doing to your friend. She forced herself to look at Rarity, the mare on the furge of full-blown sobbing. You did that. It’s your fault.
You’re doing the same thing to Twilight.
Rainbow staggered to her hooves, her breathing growing rapid. “Rarity, I-I’m sorry, I… I have to-” What? Have to what? The room was starting to spin. Run away. You have to run away. You can’t stand what you’re doing to your friend. The walls were closing in. Element of Loyalty, never leave your friends hanging, but you’re running away when they need you.
Because it’s your fault.
“I’m sorry!” Rainbow turned and bolted for the door, barely slowing as she slammed it open. She took two steps outside, gulping down the fresh air, before turning to the nearest bush and vomiting. Her mouth hung open and ragged pants barely managed to fill her lungs.
“Rainbow!” She heard the shocked gasp. The sound of hooves running up behind her. The gentle touch on her shoulder. “Are you okay?”
No! Rainbow’s thoughts cried, unable to even look at the mare next to her. It’s my fault. Why can’t you see that it’s my fault!?
“You must be coming down with something, dear. Would you like to lay down for a minute?” Rarity’s voice was full of compassion. Compassion Rainbow didn’t deserve.
Didn’t need.
“I’m fine!” She barked, shrugging Rarity’s hoof off and marching forward. You should be taking care of Twilight. Not me. “I… I’m just gonna go home and rest.”
Rarity didn’t sound convinced. “Are you sure? It’s no problem-”
“I said I’m fine!” Rainbow’s wings flapped and she launched into the air, soaring through the sky. Away from Rarity. Away from her problems. Her feelings. Her failures.
Pathetic, her mind taunted, you’re pathetic. Your friend is hurting because of you and you run away scared.
She clenched her eyes shut, tried to block out the nagging thoughts. But she couldn’t silence them. She knew it was true.
Rainbow looked to the horizon. Out there, far away, was Twilight. Suffering because of her. And yet… despite how much she hated it, how wrong it was, Rainbow missed her. She found herself craving the alicorn’s touch that had become so familiar over the months. Longing to hear her voice, calm and soothing and assuring her that it was going to be okay. That she wasn’t a terrible pony.
Even if they were lies. Some lies were nice to listen to. Believing them made her feel better, just for a little while.