I shat in my cell waiting for the arival of my Lawyer, who the name of it has not been revealed yet. I thought about how all the poneys of Equestria hated me, and I wonder how was I gonna get a fair jury? I thought hard but I had no ideas. Life is complicated
"Fuck!" I said "Existing sucks."
but then a guard walked up to mine cell and said "Hey Detective jakkid166 can I have you autograph?" and he handed me a piece of paper. "Please sign this!"
"Fine," I said and I took it and tok out my detective gun and shot it and gave it back to him.
"Thanks" he said. "Later on my friend want you to sign his face."
~ MEANWHILE, BACK ON EARTH ~
"Shit I gotta find a way to get back to Equestira!" said Phoenix Wright. But when he went to his door, he realize because he was so poor, he cold not afford a door anymore so he couldnot go throguh the door to get out of his office!
"Damn," said Phoenix "Okay Im gonna have to use my Lawyer skills." So he went to his window and took he suit off and took it apart into the suit threads and make a rope out of it. Then he climbed out and rapel to the ground with the rope, and then knitted the rope back into his suit again.
"Cool," said Phoenix "Now I gotta find Equestria portal!"
so Phoenix ran ALL the way to his bike and rode it ALL the way to his car. But then he realize he doesnt have a drivers license so he ran ALL the way back to his bike and rode it ALL the way back to his office.
"Dang," said Phoenix "How am I gonna get where I am going? And also Where am I going?"
"Wait," said Phoenix "Ive got the idea!" so he pulled out his phone and dialed Twilight Sparkles phone number.
~ MEANWHILE, IN EQUESTRIA ~
Twilight Parkle was in her house doin the paperwork for my arrest when her cell phone rung! She dance to her ringtone (which was Once In a Lifetime by Talking Heads) and answered it really hard.
"Hey Twilight Sparkle remember me from one of jakkids old stories?" said Phoenix
"Yeah I do!" said Twilight "How are you doing phoenix wright?"
"Listen I need you to pull me with MAGIC to Equestria!"
"You better not be comin here to defend him," said Twilight "He murderd princess Celestia! And we are gonne make sure he gets a bad lawyer so he loses trial and gets sentence to Infinite Prison."
"Remember," said Phoenix "Everyone has a right to fair trial!"
"Shit you're wright," said Twilight. "Fine" she said and she REACH through the phone and pull Phoenix through.
~ MEANWHILE, ALSO IN EQUESTRIRA ~
"Hell shit!" I said swearing at my pirson cell. "Stupid iron bars, let me out!" but he did not.
"No," said Iron bars (which is the name of the guard) "You do the crime, you do the time. Which is 3:48 PM right now."
"But I am allergic to being in jail!" I said "What if I die before my trial!"
"Then you will go on trial as a ghost" said the guard. But then another guard came down and sayed "Jakkid166 you lawyer is here!"
"Aw hell yeah," I said. I watched my lawyer walk up to my cell and look at me like I am stupid. I am not stupid
"Detective jakkid166," said Phoenix Wright. "The fuck did you did this time?"
"I dident do nothing!" I said. "I am immocent, I swear! We gotte team up and find the clues like a big anti-crime team of big crime solving skill."
"But you are in prison."
"Oh right"
"Dont worry jakkid!" said Phoenix "I wil defend you in the court of law, and also maybe the court of tennis."
~ AT THE TRIAL ~
"Courteth ist now in session for the trialst of not-detective Jakkid166!" said Princess Luna, who was Judge. She had a gavel and was wearin a fake beard. at least i think it was fake. "Is the defense readyeth?"
"No," said Phoenix "The defense is Phoenix Wright."
"Are you sure you can dodis?" I said to Phoenix
"Dont worry," said Phoenix "Ive played all the Ace Attorney games, I know how to law."
"Okay cool," said Luna "And what abouteth the prosecution?"
"The prosticution is ready!" said Twilgiths Sparkle.
"Nooo TWILIGHT!" I said "Why ar you prosecutiong me? I thought we was friends!"
"We are friends," said Twilight. "But you kill Princess Celestia so I also hate you."
"Fuck"
"Giveth you opening statement, defense!" said Luna.
~ OPENING STATEMENT ~
"Detecive jakkid166 killed Princess Celestia!" said Twilight.
The whole coutroom GASPED in shock!
"WHAT?!" said Luna "HOW DARE YOU, JAKKID?"
"It wasent me!" I said.
"But you know what else is shocking?" said Twilight Sparkle.
"What is it?" said Luna. And the courtroom wait in anticipaton
"Electricity."
"Holy SHITTETH!" said Luna. "She is RIGHT! I shold just decare guilty verdict right noweth."
"But you honor!" said Phoenix. "We ned to find the truth!"
"Who cares about that" said Twilight. "Lets just kill jakkid and go eat dinner."
"No he is right," said Luna "We musteth go full trial. Call yo witnesses!"
"I call dibs on first witness" said Phoenix.
"Aw dammit" said Twilight.
"I call DTECTIVE JAKKID166 on the stand!" said Phoenix, but it was too far away so I pull out my gun and fired it and the re coil flung me into the stand.
"Name occupation," said Phoenix.
"Detective jakkid166, the greatist Detective in the world!"
"WRONG!" said Twilight "You are not detective anymore, cause I demoted you!"
"Shes right," said Luna "You are fined $200 for perjury!"
"Fine" I said and I gave luna $300. "Sorry I only have a $300 dollar bill, Keep the change."
"jakkid166," said Phoenix. "Where were you on the night of the crime scene?"
"I was in Equestria," I said.
"WHAT?" said Luna. "This is new infomation! Why did you not tell us you was in Equestria? This is very suspicos!"
"Yeah jakkid why was you here in Equestria?" said Twilight.
"because i live here"
"Likely story." said Luna.
"Shut the fuck up Judge I am the one questioning here!" said Phoenix. "Detective jakkid, did you comit the crime?"
"No"
"Case closed," said Phoenix.
"Wait," said Twilight "You forget."
"What?" said Phoenix.
"Detecive jakkid has many detective skills, and one of them is he can say things that are not true! This is called LYING! So how do we know he is telling us tha truth? He committed perjury earlier!"
"Oh good point." said Phoenix and he lean in and whisper. "Jakkid are you sure you didnt murder Celestia?"
"YES YOU FUCKING IDIOT"
"Ok just making sure." he said "Final question. What make you think you didnt commit the crime?"
"Because," I said "Greatest detectives never commit murder!"
"But ar you really greatest detective?" said Phoenix.
"Well yeah everyone calls me that. Im not some piece of teenage wildlife."
"Lets test this theeory!" said Phoenix "I will ask you question, and if you can deduce answer then you are Not Guilty. Do you agree, Judge?"
"Yeah sure why not" said Luna.
"Ok jakkid, answer me this," said Phoenix and he put he fingers behind his back. "How many fingers I holding up?"
"Shit," I said. This was it, it was all on tha line. I knew if I fuck this up I would get guilty, so I deduced hard. "I see from the mirror over there that you are holding up 3 fingers. but since it is a mirror it wold be backwards, so that must mean you are holding up E fingers!"
"Is that you final answer?" said Phoenix.
"YES!" I said.
"WRONG!" said Phoenix. "I was holdin up 4 fingers!"
"SHIT!" I said. "Wait wait wait! Double or nothing!"
"Okay fine," said Phoenix "Luna you do it this time."
"Ok." said Luna "Okay jakkid how many fingers am I holding up?"
"2"
"Wrong! I was holding up 3! You are guilty now."
"WHAT?!" I said. "Phoenix what the fuck? You didnt help me at all!"
"Well yeah I guess you commited the crime," said Phoenix.
"You was supposed to be the greatest lawyer of all time!" I said "Why do you suck now?"
"Well you know what they say. Even a working clock is wrong twice a day."
"Shit. Well I guess I can keep writing stories in prison. But they will all suck because they will be about me being in prison"
"Nope," said Luna. "You wont be writing stories where you ar going."
"In prison right?" I said "That usualy happens when you get guilty."
"Not this time," said Luna "You crime is too haynus to let you get off too easy."
"Aw fuck I am gonne get executed!" I said. yeah
"No, we do not do that in Equestria. Instead, you ar going to get turned to stone by the Elements of Harmony!"
'What who fuck?!" I said.
"Guards take him to he cell while Twilight goes to retreeve the Elephants of Harmony!"
~ LATER, in PONY PRISON ~
"SWEAR WORDS!" I shouted in anger. "I am so fuck about this! There is the where is anyone who can help me now?!" I said. But I wasout of detective ideas. I was in prison now, and all Equestira was gonna turn me into Stone Rock Statue.
I sat down in me cell as I cold not beleve what happened. How cold this happen? I was detective jakkid166, but now, i was stupid idiot jakkid166.
But then I heard a GLOWING noise! I looked around and I was SHOCKED to see what had happen! Someone was entereing my cell, but it was not a normal person...
it was a GHOST!
the ghost of DICK AMERICA! (the guy from the perevious story.)
"Holy shit!" I said. "Dick America, my adopted cousin! What are you doing here? I thought you was dead!"
"I am dead idiot," said America. "I am a ghost. I was in heaven earlier but I heard you needed help so I came down here to see what goin on."
"You gota help me dick!" I said "I am in prison from false convict, and now im gonna get executed to stone!"
"That is pretty bad," said Dick "All the ponies are pretty mad at you for killin Celestia too."
"I DIDNT KILL CELESTIA! This is fuck stupid! come on Dick America do you think I would commit murder?"
"Well no I guess not," said Dick. ""Good point. Okay jakkid I will help you. Lets get outta here and solve the crime, as cousin and cousin."
so dick america went to the outside the wall and used his ghost powers to PULL ME THROUGH, and I was out of my cell. We fell off Canterlot and hit the ground and I got up and said "Alright Dick. Its time to begin our adventure thorough Equestria."
"Are you sure you wanna do this jakkid?" said Dick. "There wil be many cimematic twists and turn, and all the while the ponies will be tryin to capture us. This will be you ultimate adventure yet!"
"Adventure is my middle name," I said "DETECTIVE ADVENTURE JAKKID166!"
TO BE CONTINUED