“Oh, COME ON!!
Everypony’s head turns to see the tall draconequus appear in the middle of the ‘negotiations’, towering above them and waving his arms around wildly as he paces back and forth. He has a weird hat on that looks suspiciously like a hugging booth.
“Nopony wants to hear about how Celestia goes to the negotiating table and uses her ‘incredible power’ to stronghoof the nearby nations, or uses her centuries of experience making backroom deals!”
“I do!” Doug yells from the back.
“Or how she’ll use technicalities like being ‘pregnant’-” Discord makes giant air quotes behind him “-and thus unable to safely give up her magic to stall any actual punishment into a provisional censure with points for good behavior!”
“...That does sound like me,” Celestia concedes.
Commander Tempest turns back around, gaping at the draconequus. She slinks to Grubber, whispering, “He wasn’t in the briefing.”
Grubber points to the pink chain that disappears into his hat. “Maybe they assumed he’d be locked up, um, more thoroughly? Since he kind of caused the whole Tirek Incident?”
“Hey!” Pinkie Pie shouts, “Didn’t you agree to stay out of this?”
Discord shakes her head, “Only if there was an invasion actually taking place, but since you’re taking the boring way out I figured I’d spice things up in the most exciting way possible!”
“A giant fight scene like the end of Breaking Dawn?” Doug says, suddenly appearing next to the alicorns.
“Leave Twilight out of this,” Discord says, Twilight Sparkle looking confused. “Besides, we don’t have nearly the budget for that. Instead we have…”
Discord waves his arms, a giant table appearing in front of everypony. Commander Tempest and Grubber find themselves seated on one side of the table while Twilight Sparkle, Celestia, and Luna stand on the other. They each have a ‘character sheet’ in front of them, as well as a small stack of ‘accessories’ and ‘allies’.
“Roleplaying Games!”
The ally stack is further separated, with small tokens and figurines representing large groups like the royal guard, airships, and defensive emplacements of Canterlot (notably empty). It also has notable characters, such as the Elements of Harmony, a few named Storm Minions, and Princess Cadance.
“I’m relegated to an ally?” Princess Cadance says, pouting. Shining Armor comes up behind her, looking more interested in the game and put out that he isn’t playing than that his wife is disappointed. She huffs, turning back to read through her character card, flipping through the five cards that show her ‘abilities’.
Around the players a giant stadium pushes out of the ground, tiered seating for everypony. Soon a veritable smorgasbord of colors rings around them, including roped off seating for ‘mystery guests’. The table rises up as well, the five players now on a stage while the ‘notable characters’ get their own section on the first row.
“And to stimulate our minds for this simulation,” Discord puts his paw behind his back, “we have rulebooks!”
“Mine!” shouts Twilight as Discord fans out dozens of thick tomes, yanking the closest out of his paw. Spike hustles out of his ‘notable characters’ seat to jump onto her back, pulling out quill and parchment and taking notes. Twilight flips through, devouring the contents like Pinkie Pie devours pastries.
“Can I get the short version?” Grubber asks, trying to find a lever or something on his chair that will let him see the tabletop.
Discord spins a claw in the air, and Grubber spins around as his seat corkscrews higher. “Any other requests before we get started?”
“How come thou has so many more accessories than us?” Luna demands, pointing towards the dozen or so accessory cards Celestia has. Other than Tempest, it’s easily more than everypony else combined.
“Um, those aren’t my accessories,” Celestia admits, covering her mouth with a hoof as she coughs self-consciously. “That’s the index of my available items. Though it may take some effort to access them.”
“Oh.” Luna goes back to staring at her own card. “How come you got custody on all the vaults?”
“You have access to them, too,” Celestia says, motioning to Luna’s card. “I hope you remember what they all do. Oh, and the new ones I’ve obtained in the last millennium.”
“Remember,” Discord says, pulling out an hourglass with five smaller hourglasses inside, each a different color and able to be individually rotated. “Table talk is limited. Any in-character chatter will be counted against you. You only have so long for your turn, and then whatever actions you’ve decided to take will happen.”
“In game,” Tempest clarifies.
Discord rolls his eyes. They come up snake eyes. “Yes.”
Tempest raises an eyebrow. “What happens if you roll boxcars?”
Discord rolls his eyes again, this time getting five dots in an ‘x’ and the ying-yang symbol. “No.”
“Right.” Tempest looks back at her cards, then Grubber’s. “Okay, so, we just say what we would have done? Or do you want to-”
“Set the stage? Don’t mind if I do.” Discord pushes his arms into his body, leaving his claw and paw free to do their work. He picks up the Commander Tempest figurine, dancing it along the walkway towards the four alicorns. “Fipbet here has just given her evil, evil speech about you ponies giving up. Everypony is completely surprised by this sharp turn of events! Who would have thought that mysterious creatures appearing in such a baffling manner would lead to such a dire situation? Anyway, Luna demands that you prove your mettle by claiming there are four of them and only one of you.”
"That doesn't sound like me," Luna retorts, Discord mouthing along with her words.
Discord claps his paws together, and all the Storm Minions file into the stadium. The creatures are massive, easily twice as tall as a pony with bulky arms and white, flowing manes. Armored in black and bearing the Storm King’s crest on their shoulders, they take their seats in the ‘mystery guest’ section.
“Tempest, your move.” Discord flips the red hourglass.
Tempest looks at her character card. She flips over one of her cards, revealing a picture of a small obsidian ball. “I kick this at Celestia.”
“Celestia, your response?” White hourglass flips.
“Can I teleport?” asks Celestia, looking at her character card. “For some reason that isn’t listed here.”
“Teleportation is overpowered and unfun,” Discord says, his voice flat. “It’s been excluded. For the duration of this encounter it can’t be used.”
“What?” Celestia exclaims, “That’s not fair!”
“I need your response,” Discord says, the sand in the white hourglass starting to run out.
“I… use Cadance to block with her shield and body!”
“What?!” exclaims Princess Cadance, pouting. “Two seconds in and I’m knocked out of the fight!?”
“We don’t know that!” Celestia replies, her voice getting louder. “It-”
“Hold up!” Twilight exclaims, holding up a page in the rulebook. “These are the rules for magical transformations interacting with an antimagic field?! How did you figure this out?”
“Experimentation, and yes,” Discord says, discreetly rolling dice behind a paper screen covered with doodles of Fluttershy and Princess Celestia making out.
“Rainbow Dash, please throw this at the airships, as fast as you can,” Twilight says, holding up a small pebble.
“You got it!” Rainbow Dash shouts, bored out of her mind and glad for something that gives her an excuse to leave.
“Hey, what happened to my cake?” Pinkie Pie asks, looking around for the cake that was supposed to feed at least five thousand ponies.
Rainbow Dash flies into the air, zooming at the parked airships high above. She chucks the pebble as hard as she can before banking hard to the side, avoiding the antimagic field. The pebble sails through the air before transforming back into Pinkie Pie’s colossal cake, retaining its earlier velocity. The cake smashes into the metal hull, completely covering the once black and fearsome airship with a bright and cheery pink.
“Fascinating,” says Twilight Sparkle, her eyes aglow with wonder, before she drops her head back into the rulebook.
“Um, can I change who I kick my sphere at?” Tempest asks, eyes wide.
“No, and unicorn transformation magic is excluded,” Discord quickly says. “Your obsidian ball crackles with energy as it pierces through Cadance’s shield. It slams into her body, turning her into an obsidian statue.” Discord points a claw at Cadance, the pink alicorn transforming into an obsidian statue.
“Celestia and Luna, you’ve just seen your close friend and ally get turned into a statue. Roll for horror.” Discord rolls the dice again.
“I’ve seen much worse than that,” Celestia says with a frown.
“We’ve caused far worse than that,” Luna retorts.
“Regardless, you’re both stunned into inaction by this drastic turn of events. You may take one free action to speak to any nearby pony.”
“I yell Luna quest instructions for an ally hundreds of miles away, deep in the Storm King’s territory,” Celestia says with a roll of her eyes.
Discord takes the time to write this down, framing it and putting it on a wall. “Luna?”
Luna stares at Celestia, dumbfounded.
“Okay, and Twilight, your response.”
“How many Storm Minions are there?” Twilight asks, counting the ones in the seats above.
“Roughly two dozen per airship, and there are six airships.”
“So… we have twice as many changelings available?” Twilight glances to Chrysalis for confirmation, getting a nod. “Okay, I politely ask Chrysalis to order her changelings to copy the invaders, grab a bowl of popcorn, and watch the ensuing brawl.”
“I’m enjoying this more and more,” Chrysalis says, voice purring.
“Doesn’t that take additional love energy?” Discord asks. “Also, excluded.”
“Saw that coming,” Twilight says with a roll of her eyes. “Are we just going to be railroaded into losing this or something?”
Chrysalis seductively walks up to the nearest Storm Minion, her eyes brimming with lust. “Oh, we can always use a little bit more love energy. And you seem like just the sort of hunk that can give a girl a good time, right?”
The Storm Minion, despite only his tiny beady eyes visible behind his mask, looks incredibly uncomfortable. Chrysalis merely interprets his arms trying to fend her off as a massage, moaning in pleasure as he slaps at her.
“I’m liking this less and less,” Tempest says, looking askance as Chrysalis rubs her bulk on the Storm Minion.
“Regardless, you get to go again,” Discord says to Tempest.
“I kick two balls, one at Celestia and one at Twilight,” Commander Tempest says, leaving a decent number of cards left in her stack.
“I strike a fearful pose, rearing backwards and not moving my center of mass.” Celestia does exactly that, Discord freezing her that way.
“I… dodge?” Twilight says, frowning.
Discord rolls some dice. “You fail to dodge.”
Twilight pulls out an ally card. “I use my Rainbow Dash triggered ability to save me from certain doom and replace me with a pony of my choice. I choose Derpy Hooves.”
“I’m a part of the game!” Derpy yells as Discord turns her into an obsidian statue.
“Luna?” Discord says, smirking.
Luna holds up a card. “I summon my obsidian dagger. It’s +12, has armor piercing, returning, and I can summon it back at will. It moves in a straight line at, with perfect aim, one hundred meters per second. Which means I can pierce approximately thirty throats in five seconds.” Luna points a hoof at Commander Tempest. “Starting with her.”
Commander Tempest shrinks into her seat. “I don’t want to play any more,” she says in a quiet voice.
“Aww,” Discord says, putting down his obsidian dagger. He snaps his claws and each of the statues turns back to normal. “So close. Anyway, I guess the fun is over.”
“Sure,” Twilight says, gathering up the rulebooks. “It’s been a blast. Lots of fun, we should do it again sometime.”
“I’ll hold you to that,” Discord says, waving at the audience with a paw. “So long, and thanks for all the fish!”