//------------------------------//
// 2. - Discussions 
// Story: Pregnant Noses Know 
// by Irrespective 
//------------------------------//

“You’re almost there, Your Highness! Just a little bit more!” Doctor Horsenpfeffer bent over her patient with a ruler to measure the ongoing process. “Push! C’mon! Give me a really big one now!”

There was a scream of agony, and a hoof slammed into the exam table with enough force to leave a sizeable dent. Horsenpfeffer then gave a small cheer while the afflicted royal gulped and gasped like a fish on dry land.

“There we go! You’re doing just fine! Just one more, and that should do it!”

A louder screech of transcendent pain nearly tore the air in half, which was followed up with several gasping words that would normally be most unbecoming of a royal.

“That’s it! Very well done, Your Highness.”

“That was the last one, right?!”

“Yes, Your Highness. That should be good for today.” Horsenpfeffer’s magic did a quick check of her patient before she moved to wash her hooves.

“Are you sure you’re a doctor?” Baked Bean groaned as he sat up and began to nurse his left rear leg. “I’m starting to think you’re the Royal Inquisitor, and that stethoscope is just one of your torture devices.”

“That’s the best part,” Horsenpfeffer replied while puffing her chest out and putting a hoof on her hip. “Nopony expects the Royal Inquisition when you’re wearing scrubs.”

“Are you sure there’s not some sort of magic spell that can fix my leg?” Bean sucked in a sharp breath. “Or at least numb the pain?”

“Pain is your friend, Your Highness. You won’t heal if you don’t hurt. Magic is wonderful, but it can’t fix everything.”

“I wish it could,” he grumbled.

“You and me both. However, your leg is doing well, and I like the progress you’re making. If you keep doing your exercises, I think we can take that brace off your leg earlier than I thought.”

“That would be nice. That thing is cumbersome and itches like crazy.”

“Let me know if the pain doesn’t start to subside in the next hour or so,” Horsenpfeffer continued. “While there isn’t a magic spell to fix your leg, there is one either I or the Princess can use for some minor relief at night. We’ll try some new exercises tomorrow.”

“I would say that sounds good, but it doesn’t. I’ll be here anyway.”

“Marvelous! Now then, shall we check on your wife?”

“Yeah. She’s probably already worried sick about me.”

“Maybe, but she is doing better now. My door is still attached to the frame, there is not an alicorn sized hole in my wall, and you actually made it through a full therapy session without being whisked away to Snuggly Healingland.”

Bean rubbed the back of his head and grinned sheepishly. “Yeah. We had a long talk about what happened during that first therapy session, and she admitted to overreacting. She agreed that I need to get through these sessions—and that Minister Penny Wise is going to have a conniption if we keep tapping the capital repairs budget—so she promised to behave.”

“I’m sure she will. To be honest, Your Highness, Celestia is not any different than any other wife who is concerned about her husband. The only problem is the raw amount of power she can pack into her punches. If you stay positive about your treatments, I think you’ll be able to assuage much of her concern.”

“I’ll do my best.” Bean winced while moving his leg. “I may gripe a little, though.”

“I can hardly expect any less,” Horsenpfeffer replied before popping open her door. She gasped and retreated a step when she found herself nose-to-nose with Princess Celestia and her concerned frown, and a hoof went to the doctor’s chest while the mother-to-be pulled a set of bright orange earplugs out of her ears.

“Well?” she asked, as her magic hauled Bean into her embrace. “Are you alright? How badly does it hurt? I can have a bath drawn to help soak away any of your pains, and Miss Lulamoon is putting in an order right now for several lentil burgers. I have heard that you need extra protein while your muscles heal.”

“That sounds delightful, my Love,” Bean replied with a quick nuzzle to her neck. He knew that saying anything else would only increase her anxiety levels. “Let’s get you checked out first, then we can go enjoy all of that.”

“Doctor, I believe I owe you an apology for last week,” Celestia offered while she entered the exam room. “I really did not mean to cause such a ruckus, nor did I mean to damage so much of your equipment. I just couldn’t bear to hear my dear Bean’s screams of pain, and my emotions overrode my better judgement. It won’t happen again.” She tucked the orange earplugs away behind her golden peytral with the unspoken “unless I need to” echoing around the room.

“Don’t worry about it, Your Highness. There’s always an element of risk involved when you’re the personal anything⁽*⁾ to one of the Diarchs of Equestria. Besides, this gives me an excuse to procure new equipment. I made sure to include an ‘Acts of Princess’ clause in my insurance policy, so all I have to do is submit a claim and a few requisition forms.”
⁽*⁾ Luna’s personal dentist is expected to make a full recovery, and most of the equipment from his office was salvageable, once the fire was extinguished. 
—

Bean tried to hold back his snicker of amusement, but it failed spectacularly. “Did you have to buy separate policies for each Princess?”

“No, I managed to get a universal Princess damage rider when I was hired years ago. However, I’ve been told by my insurance friends that new applicants have to purchase coverage separately, and the premiums for Twilight Sparkle coverage are through the roof. Metaphorically speaking, of course.”

“Of course. The Luna rates must be pretty cheap, though.”

Celestia offered an annoyed nicker to this banter. “I don’t cause that much damage.”

“You’ve been trending upwards as of late,” Horsenpfeffer replied while she kicked a lever and lowered her exam table to the floor. “That little destructive romp through the palace when you chased down the fake Bean didn’t help matters. Now, have a seat and let’s have a look at you and that foal.”

Celestia did so with a slight frown. Horsenpfeffer’s magic then wrapped around Celestia’s midsection, and with a smile, the doctor began to prod the royal tummy gently with her hooves.

“So, how do you feel about your pregnancy, overall? Any concerns?”

Celestia shook her head. “No, I don’t have any concerns. As far as I can tell and feel, Epiphany is doing well.”

“Good. How about any of the traditional pregnancy symptoms? Have you had any morning sickness, fatigue, swelling in any extremities, unexplained horn nocturnal emissions, sparks, specks, splots, premature molting, myoclonic jerking of your diaphragm, podial paresthesia...” Bean had to admit to a certain mental fading as the list of potential problems rolled onward. “... unexplained cravings for consuming strange foods or husbands?”

Celestia glanced over to Bean, who was wide awake now. “I have been feeling a bit more fatigued over the last two or three weeks. I don’t think I’ve had any swelling, though. I did mention that a peanut butter and banana sandwich sounded appetizing this morning. I’m not sure if that counts.”

“That’s not too bad. I lived on flat diet cola and onion rings with my twins.” Horsenpfeffer paused, poked at a spot near her navel, and then quickly placed her stethoscope on the Princess.

“What is it?” Celestia asked with deep concern, but she was promptly shushed. Horsenpfeffer sat perfectly still, save for the growing smile on her face, and after a moment, her magic pulled the eartips out of her own ears and held them out to Celestia.

“It’s very faint, but you can hear her heartbeat.”

Celestia’s face lit up in delight, and as she listened, the glow that was coming from both of the mares threatened to blind Bean. After a few moments, Celestia motioned for him to come closer, and after a quick check and adjustment, Horsenpfeffer nodded for Bean to listen.

At first, all Bean could hear was Celestia’s steady heartbeat and measured breathing. With a small grunt, he closed his eyes and focused on his ears, eagerly wishing to hear his daughter. There was a scratching while Horsenpfeffer moved the diaphragm slightly left, and then Bean’s own breathing stopped.

There she was.

It was so faint that it was almost imperceptible, but it was there. Against the strong thumps of Celestia’s own rhythm, Bean could hear the rapid, steady taps of another life within.

“She’s really there,” he whispered as he fought back his overjoyed emotions and failed. “I believed you, of course, but now that I can hear her, it’s really real. I have a daughter. I’m going to be a dad.”

Celestia nuzzled him gently, and her tears mixed with his. “And you’re going to be glorious, my love.”

“How far along is she?” Bean asked.

“I’d guess you’re at about the two month mark now,” Horsenpfeffer replied. “Give or take a few days, of course.”

“So, we should have her sometime next summer?”

“Most likely in late summer.”

“Hello, my little Nilla,” Bean said with a proud smile. “I’m looking forward to meeting you, but you need to stay in there and grow big and strong for me, all right?”

The stethoscope was passed back to the Doctor, who took a moment to wipe it down with a disinfectant while the Prince and Princess shared a few kisses with their tears. Once the emotion of the moment had settled down slightly, Horsenpfeffer produced a pad of paper and a pencil from a nearby drawer and began to write.

“Any other questions for me at the moment? No? Okay. Now, if you’ll indulge me for a moment, I want to discuss a few things with both of you. Nothing bad!” she added hastily to Celestia’s worried frown. “As far as I can tell at this point in the game, Nilla is doing well. However, there’s a lot of unknowns with your pregnancy, Princess, so I’d like to err on the side of caution.”

“What unknowns do you refer to?”

“The biggest one is the fact that you’re an alicorn. An earth pony pregnancy is not exactly the same as a unicorn’s or a pegasus’s, so with you being all three in one, that complicates things just a bit. I assume that I just cover every base possible, but I have a personal vendetta against assumptions.”

“Were you able to get any information from Luna’s medical records in the Archives?” Celestia asked.

“Oh, I got all sorts of information on what not to do. I really don’t know how your sister managed to go full term, given that the remedy for nearly every problem was to remove as much blood as possible.”

Celestia giggled a bit with that. “The better question to ask is how the physicians survived. Luna would run, while screaming at the top of her lungs, whenever needles or leeches were produced.” She paused with a thoughtful expression. “Luna never actually caught one of the doctors to do what she was threatening, but they certainly had incentive to run, and they were getting a little fat anyway. And it was probably good for Luna’s health, too.”

“That would explain why she was confused when I brought her in for her vaccinations.” Horsenpfeffer shrugged. “Aside from that, I haven’t found any useful information, apart from a nice recipe to alter the color of your coat. Luna did agree to chat with me this evening about her experience, so I’m hopeful I can get some good information from that.

“In the meantime, and in the absence of any viable medical advice, I’ll offer this: you know your body better than anypony else, so if you feel like something is wrong, tell me immediately. The phrase ‘I don’t want to bother the doctor’ is to be stricken from your vocabulary. If you feel that everything is right, then you and I will take a few minutes at the end of each exam to talk about it and to establish some sort of baseline for future use. You and Prince Bean may want to have another, after all, and there is one other married alicorn who might be encouraged to start a family thanks to your example.”

“It’s kinda weird that Cadence and Shining haven’t had a dozen foals by now, isn’t it?” Bean said.

“Not so much,” Celestia said with a small smile. “For all of his courage and fortitude, the Captain of my Guard has reservations about having a foal of his own.”

“Really?” Bean asked. “Shining is scared of kids?”

“Not scared, just… concerned. Despite his rough exterior, he is an extremely tender and sensitive stallion inside. As Captain, he has operational plans and contingency plans on top of that, to say nothing of the contingency plans for the contingency plans. A foal is unpredictable, and that makes it difficult for him to fully embrace the concept.”

“Huh. That actually makes a lot of sense.” Bean rubbed his chin and stared at the far wall. “How does Cadence feel about that?”

“She’s being patient, and understanding. She tells me she knows they’ll have a foal when the time is right, and that time will be decided together. I think you and I may have given the process a bit of a kick, though. Cadence told me at the wedding that Shining was asking Mung and Chowder about their plans for a family, and he has never done that before.

“However, I think we should continue this conversation elsewhere. Doctor, I will be delighted to provide whatever information I can during my pregnancy, but I do hope it will be rather unremarkable.”

“I certainly hope so as well. Just one last thing,” Horsenpfeffer pulled the door open, and drew in a sharp breath. “For the time being, I would also like you to cut back on your magic usage. I know you need to raise the sun, but apart from that, I think it would be wise to limit how much magic you use in a day, until we can get a better idea of how your excess power might affect Nilla. You’ll probably be fine with writing and other little things like that, but let’s keep it to about that level at any given point.”

Celestia nodded thoughtfully. “I’ll do my best, Doctor. I suppose this means that I should have my dear Bean assist me in my day-to-day activities.”

“I would be happy to,” he said with a kiss for her. “Whatever it takes to keep you and Nilla safe, I’ll do it.”


 * *  ✹ * * 


“There we go,” Celestia happily proclaimed with a delighted hum. “Right there.”

Bean laughed a little as Celestia spread her wings and began to melt into a puddle of peaceful princess upon the cushions in their drawing room. “I have to admit, I never would have thought that you would enjoy having your mane brushed out as much as you do.”

“Sometimes it’s the simplest things that bring the greatest pleasures,” she replied as a knock came at the door.

“Excuse me, Your Highnesses,” Trixie said from the other side, “but Trixie has your lunch and those lists you requested.”

“Come in, Miss Lulamoon,” Bean called out with a tug at a snarl. “You know, I think you missed a pregnancy symptom, Celly.”

Celestia’s eyes flicked up, and her magic took a bundle of papers from Trixie’s magic. “I did?”

Bean held up a chunk of her mane with the brush and smiled. “Yup. I swear your mane is thicker and longer now. It feels a lot more luxuriant, too.”

Celestia’s pleased grin grew larger. “I’ll make sure to mention that at my next appointment. I may have to start putting it and my tail up into a bun if they get in the way. You won’t laugh at me, will you?”

“Not in a million years,” Bean said while he helped Trixie with the overloaded silver tray of food. “But maybe you could do just a simple ponytail?”

“I might be able to. Thank you, Miss Lulamoon. That is all for now.”

Trixe took a moment to scratch at the secretarial collar around her neck with a rear hoof and a small bark of annoyance, but she then left with no further comment.

“I worry about the hired help sometimes,” Bean remarked while he picked up the brush and drew a hum from his wife as he began brushing again. “Trixie can be very ruff—gruff! Very gruff at times.”

“On occasion, but she is proving to be a loyal companion to Wysteria and she has taken to her training well. She does not need to be hounded for items like she used to, and Wysteria has told me that she no longer feels the need to keep her on a short leash.”

Bean snickered a bit. “Do you think she prefers kibble or canned food?”

“Stop that,” Celestia giggled. “Trixie is not an animal. Though between you and me, I think she would prefer canned, given how she wolfs down my pancakes.”

“My lips are sealed,” he replied with a glance to the papers in her magic. “What do you have there?”

“A few things I wanted to talk to you about regarding Nilla. There are a couple of items that we will need to settle.”

“Like?”

“Well, for instance, you and I need to begin to vet potential candidates for Nilla’s private tutors. We also need to hire a governess and make arrangements for her room and board.”

Bean’s brushing slowed for a moment. “Oh. I suppose we do need to take care of that, don’t we?”

“Is there something wrong with that?”

Bean winced. While he loved his life dearly, her ability to draw his emotions and feelings out of his words was a bit annoying at times. “No, not at all.”

“Bean,” she shot back in a low, warning tone.

“Right, right. No more sneaky Bean. I just…”

Thankfully, Celestia also knew when she needed to remain silent, and he attempted to brush his thoughts out of her sparkling mane and into some sort of order. Once they both were somewhat coherent, he drew in a long breath.

“Okay. The commoner in me realizes that you are granting me a boon that most parents would beg, borrow, and steal to give to their own children. The education that Nilla is going to receive will be second to none, and that’s just with what you will teach her. She’s going to have the absolutely finest teachers and tutors that can be had, and by the time she graduates, she’ll be smarter than I am by double digits.

“So, when I think of all that, I hate to bring up any concerns about your proposals. I hate that I even have a concern, and it’s not even about tutors and everything.

“I’m concerned about the governess part.” In the absence of any remark from Celestia, he plowed forward, feeling eager and a bit relieved to express his thoughts. “I know we’re going to be busy with Day Court and meetings and ambassadors and the hundred other things we have to do in a day, and I know having a governess would help Nilla to get the most out of her lessons and everything else, and she would also be kept on schedule, which is important, and I bet you and Luna had one when you were young too, but…”

Another long pause came as Bean tried to think of how to best present his thoughts in a coherent manner. He grunted when he failed, and he settled on using the simplest words possible.

“I just don’t like the thought of some other pony being the one who is there for all of those little moments that will make up her life. I don’t want her to look back and to see Lady Grimace when she remembers her dance classes, or when she talks about all of the piano lessons she took, or anything else like that.” His brushing stopped as his own mind filled with the memories from his own childhood. “I mean, I’m glad that my Mom and Dad came to my track meets in high school, and even with their pressure at the Zuerst, some of the happiest times in my life were when it was just me and them, working out a new recipe for the menu. I know we’ll be there for all the major events of her life, but I want to be there for all the in between bits, too.”

Bean then cringed and waited for her scathing reply. She was bound to have at least a dozen reasons that would perfectly counteract all of his arguments and put him in his place.

Instead, what he heard was “I can see your point. I believe we can forgo a governess.”

“Wait, really?”

Celestia pulled in her wings, rolled onto her back, and gave him that beautifully comforting smile that always melted away his worries. “Yes. I admit I would prefer to have a governess, but you have a very valid point. It will take some extra planning and understanding, especially while Nilla is a newborn, but I believe it can be done.”

“And if I am wrong, we can always hire one later, right?”

“Right,” Celestia replied while her magic snagged one of the lentil burgers that had been brought in. “But I have faith that we can work it out together.”

“Thanks,” he said with a kiss. “I’m more than happy to go over the list of tutors with you, of course. Maybe they can help me, too.”

“If they can, maybe you’ll give up your crusade against algebra?” Celestia bobbed her eyebrows and took a large bite from her burger.

“Let’s not be too hasty,” he said, but then he frowned. “Is that… ketchup?”

Celestia glanced to her mostly eaten meal, then back to her husband with a sultry grin. “And what if it is?”

“If it is, then I suddenly lost my appetite.”

“You really should be more accepting, Mister Bean,” she purred, and then she slowly slid the remaining bite into her mouth.

“Or I could improve it,” he mused, a hoof reaching up to rub his chin. “I bet I could. A few seasonings, maybe.”

“If there is a pony who could accomplish such an impossible task, it is you.”

“Eh, another time,” he said. “I see something that is far more worthy of my attention.”

“Indeed. This pregnant princess demands all of your adoration.”

“And you shall have it, for as long as I live and beyond.”

“Perfect,” she growled while her magic pulled him in close. “Your princess also demands satisfaction. C’mere.”

Bean would have made some sort of joke regarding Luna’s status as a princess, but he never got the chance.


 * *  ✹ * *