I was the first awake, which was unsurprising.
After the sun was up I took tea and enjoyed the quiet. Cadence was the next I saw, perhaps an hour or so later.
“Good morning,” I said, making her jump. From the looks of things she hadn’t expected on bumping into anyone so soon. She had that ‘rolled out of bed a few seconds ago’ look that I imagined I also had.
Recovering from the surprise of seeing me she smiled and came on over and we hugged. It’s remiss of me to go so long without seeing her, I must say, but that’s the way of things. Extenuating circumstances at least make an excellent excuse for an extended visit.
“Good morning aunty,” she said, releasing the hug and moving to take a seat a few away from mine. The table was large and seats were abundant.
“How is Twilight?” I asked. The two of them had stayed in Twilight’s room after the three of us had had our little post-John-rescue talk last night, and I felt it fairly safe to assume they’d spoken further once I’d left.
“She’s worn out. Relieved, but worn out. I think she might have a lie-in today,” she said. I nodded.
I could believe this.
It was not that she was taking his return hard - that would have implied she was not happy about it, which she plainly was - rather that she was simply emotionally exhausted. As were we all, really. It had not been a fun two months.
“She deserves a rest, she worked very hard. As did you,” I said, smiling at her. She smiled back and said:
“You too.”
I gave a self-effacing shrug.
“Possibly.”
Probably could have done more. But then I tend to think that.
“How’s John? Is he awake?” Cadence then asked, bringing the teapot over and pouring some out for herself.
“When I left him he was in bed pretending to be asleep,” I said. She paused on the cusp of a sip.
“Pretending?”
“I think he is trying to put off talking about what happened,” I said.
“Oh, well, it’s probably still a bit raw,” Cadence said, finally taking that put-off sip.
“I’d imagine so and I understand if it makes him uncomfortable but I have a feeling that he is hoping to just avoid the subject entirely and forever,” I said while mulling over my own tea. Not a variety I was used to. Pleasant though.
“Oh. That doesn’t sound good. Would he do that?” Cadence asked.
“If he thought he could get away with it, probably. John is a cheerful soul, but I sometimes feel a lot of that comes from deliberately steering himself away from things he’d prefer to not have to think about.”
I’d noticed this tendency once or twice. It wasn’t a huge problem, or hadn’t been, as there hadn’t really been anything particular pressing he might have needed to discuss. These last two months, however, was something he was probably going to have to talk about.
Whether he’d enjoy it or not.
He wouldn’t break a promise he’d made to me, but I could easily see him trying to forestall making good on it in the hopes that I might just somehow forget about it. Unfortunately for him I have a memory longer than a day.
“What do you think of him?” I asked, to move things along.
Cadence hesitated, briefly enough she clearly hoped I might not notice, long enough that I did. She set her teacup down and said:
“He’s...not as tall as I expected.”
I had to smile at that.
“I tend to oversell the height. I still haven’t fully got over the delight of being able to talk to someone without looking down,” I said.
This was not really a lie. Hardly the most impressive thing in the world and certainly not the sort of thing I’d ever consider an actual problem, but it was nice being able to look someone in the eye without having to bend. We all have our vices.
Although really if we were being honest I was taller than him, but I like to let him think this isn’t the case. Clearly I’m taller. Clearly. The horn does count. Why would it not count? It’s part of my head.
“This probably isn’t the time to mention it, but - ah, no, no don’t worry about it,” Cadence said, shaking her head and sipping again.
Well that was my interest piqued.
“What?”
She took a moment to consider whether or not she should say what was on her mind, biting her lip. Then she clearly decided that, on the spot, she couldn’t really keep it back.
“You two are very cute together,” she said.
Tiniest flutter of butterflies. A silly feeling but appreciated. It’s been a very long time. My cheeks went a little warm and I found myself having to look away.
“You’re right, this wasn’t really the time to mention that. But thank you anyway.”
I thought we’d kept it fairly low-key…
Then again, Cadence of all ponies would be the one to notice that sort of thing.
“Although - and she’d probably be upset with me for saying anything - but Twilight-” she started saying, but I cut in before she could continue.
I could see where this was going.
“I’m aware,” I said. No need for her to say it out loud.
“You are?” She asked. She looked surprised. I just shrugged lightly.
“It would be difficult not to be.”
“John doesn’t seem to know…”
“John would probably have had difficulty realising he was locked in a room had Umbra not informed him that he was locked in a room. I love him, but he is an idiot.”
I meant this in the most loving and honest way. Cadence did not contradict me.
Although really I was being unfair. He wasn’t an idiot. His mind just went in directions that were often unhelpful and unrelated to whatever happened to be the more pressing issue at the time.
This often manifested as outward idiocy and a failure to notice the obvious.
Despite this I continued to love him. Because of it? Hmm.
Mostly I think I am perhaps letting the slowly bleeding away stress of two months of frantic searching get the better of me here. I feel bad about saying it already. I’ll give him a hug later without explaining why, and it’ll confuse him greatly I’m sure.
He and Twilight will both likely need a holiday after this holiday to recover from the holiday.
The sound of bare feet approaching made my ear flicker and John duly appeared not long after. I’d honestly expected him to have stayed in bed for longer than that. Maybe he’d smelt the tea.
He’d also reverted to wearing a bedsheet, apparently.
“Good morning princesses. Oh, princesses minus one - Twilight still snoozing?” He asked, doing a quick, squinting scan of the table.
“She’s having an easy morning,” Cadence said and John nodded.
“Too right. Poor girl’s probably all tuckered out. I should really get her something. She goes out of her way for me. Did you know she got me a bigger bed back at her place? I didn’t even ask for it! Had the thing done bespoke! That’s crazy. Lovely girl, Twilight.”
Cadence and I had a look.
“You’re very talkative this morning,” I said. John was in the middle of yawning at the time so had to take a second to finish up before replying.
“You know me, gift of the gab,”
“Perhaps enough of the gift to talk a little bit about what happened?” I asked.
Just a little prod. Show him I hadn’t forgotten.
“Soon, soon. I just woke up,” he said. stretching.
“I know you didn’t go to sleep,” I said and John froze and, for a split-second, looked oddly panicked.
“How did you - you can’t - ?” He asked, tapping his foot against the floor.
“You were awake when I got out of bed. It seemed unlikely to me you would have pretended to be asleep had you not wanted me to think you’d slept the whole night through. It’s okay, John,” I said.
“Just wasn’t that tired,” he said, yawning again.
“If you don’t want to talk about it you can just say, John, and we can wait,” I said. He frowned.
“I said I would, didn’t I? Just not right now. And I’m fine anyway. I will do it, later, but not right now. It’s fine.”
“We shouldn’t have to argue about this,” I said, keenly aware of Cadence sliding out of her seat while trying to be as inconspicuous about it as possible.
“Why would we argue about anything? We have nothing to argue about. I’m fine,” John said, gesticulating so forcefully I was rather worried he might fall over, something he has been known to do on occasion. He didn’t, thankfully.
“John, you’ve spent two months locked in a room at the mercy of - to put it mildly - a very bad pony, you are allowed to not be fine. I would be worried, in fact, if you actually were fine,” I said.
“Well be worried then because I am. Totally fine. Fine the whole way through. Fine down to the marrow. Today is peachy, I’m grand.”
“Yeah I’m just going to go see how Twilight’s doing…” Cadence said quietly, slipping away. I could hardly blame her. John blinked and turned the way she’d gone.
“Something I said?” He asked, turning back to me.
“We weren’t exactly making the room a comfortable place to be,” I said.
The light dawned and he slapped a hand to his face harder than I might have liked.
“Agh, I’m sorry. I don’t know. Tired. Didn’t sleep well. Guess I’m having a bad day. Maybe. Not really. Nah today’s fine. Today’s fine,” he said, moving to the nearest chair and just resting on the back of it with one hand, rubbing his face with the other.
“People are allowed to have bad days,” I said, gently.
Apparently this touched a nerve.
“Yes! Yes they are! But I don’t have to! If I think it’s not a bad day then it isn’t, then I can stay exactly how I want to be. All in my head. I don’t have bad days, all my days are good days. It’s fine. I’ve got it sorted,” he said firmly, even glaring at me. Not what I wanted.
“But you don’t have to do that!” I said.
“I do! If I’m miserable then it’s someone else’s problem!” He said, his free hand sweeping out to the side.
“It’s not a problem! It’s you being upset and admitting it! That’s all it is! And if you do that then I can help you!”
“But I’m not upset! I am fine! Totally!”
“John!”
Might have gone a bit louder on that one than I’d meant to. Sheepishly I brushed a few errant bits of my mane out of the way while John stood up a bit straighter and stopped leaning on the chair.
“If you truly don’t want to talk about it now we can wait, I’m just worried,” I said, more quietly, nudging my teacup with a hoof. John shrugged.
“I said I would so we can I just don’t think it’s a big deal is all…”
He sounded very sad, which made me sad. I wanted to give him a hug immediately but knew it could probably wait, if only a little bit. Instead, I carried the teapot and a spare cup across the table towards him, setting them down in front of the chair he’d been resting on.
“Sit down, please. Have some tea,” I said.
“Don’t want tea…” he mumbled, while simultaneously sitting and pouring himself some and sulkily cradling the cup in both hands. Pouty and irritating, but still cute in a strange kind of way. Perhaps I’m biased.
But don’t get distracted.
“I love you, not some perfect version of you who never feels bad. I don’t even know why you think you need to do that. I’m not going to go away if we go five minutes without laughing at something. Sometimes that just happens. It gets better. That’s life,” I said. John wiped a dribble of tea from the outside of the cup with his thumb.
“I don’t know. It’s just not an issue,” he said, shrugging again, forlornly. “Certainly shouldn’t be anyone else’s issue. It’s just a muddle of stuff I can’t parse yet. It sits up here in my head but I can figure out. I can figure it out! No-one else should have to worry about it.”
“But it’s obvious that you’re unhappy and we want to help you. I want to help you.”
“I don’t know though. It’s a mess. It’s probably nothing.”
“Well, if you feel you can tell me maybe we can decide together if it’s nothing or not.”
“I just don’t think it was that big of a deal. In the scheme of things…” he said.
When compared to the scheme of things, most things ended up looking trivial. If you used the scheme of things as a yardstick your life would be very, very dull and you’d be hard-pressed to find much enjoyment in it anywhere. That’s what living in the moment was rather about. At least in my experience.
“You don’t have to weigh everything against the scheme of things. Some things you can just enjoy - or not - on their own merits. If you fall over you get back up again, but you’re allowed to say that it wasn’t fun,” I said. John let out a small laugh.
“Natty.”
I had no idea what this meant. Contextually it seemed to mean good, but with John it was anyone’s guess. I think that means good. Doesn’t it?
“Thank you. I think?”
“I liked your imagery,” he said, by way of explanation. Then he sighed. “Should probably, like, talk about what happened, right? Would that be the normal thing to do?”
“You can talk about whatever you feel you want to. It’s just about you not needlessly bottling things up. If you want to say something but feel like you shouldn’t because it might upset or annoy others, don’t worry about them,” I said.
He frowned, brows knotting.
“I don’t understand.”
“Don’t feel that you ever need to keep something to yourself for my benefit. I’m a big girl, I can probably take it. I’d prefer you feel you were able to talk to me about anything.”
His brows remained knotted. Whether or not he’d be better able to understand these concepts after a proper night’s sleep was unclear, but certainly his having avoided sleep was not helping him here.
“This a trust thing?” He asked.
“More of a feeling comfortable thing. I want you to feel comfortable enough with me that you don’t worry about saying the wrong thing. Because that’s not a comfortable way to be.”
“I still don’t understand. But oh well! What’s new about that? Okay, alright, I’ll admit it - I might maybe not be completely fine. I might be a little rattled. I don’t know. It was - she was - it was just a very strange time. And now it’s done and it feels abrupt. Like I missed a step going down the stairs and someone’s about to tell me off for it. Uncomfortable.”
I had to take his word for that one.
John gulped some tea, set his cup down and then made vague hand gestures as he tried to find the right words. I gave him the space to do this.
“Umbra was, well - Twilight explained all that to me, about her. Evil times up North and all that. Still didn’t really know what to expect. Guess I lack the, uh, cultural backing to really appreciate it. To me she was just, uh. I don’t know.”
He tapped the table, noticed he tapped the table, frowned as his knuckles and then sat on both his hands.
“She was perfectly nice a lot of the time - kind of awkward, actually, in her own way - but she looked inside my head without permission and I didn’t really like it. I didn’t like it at all, in fact. Lots of reasons. Some pretty basic ones about privacy, you know? Not that I was that fussed. But she also got to look at the other guy, you know, and that - that kind of gets to me.”
“I know, you’ve told me.”
His hands came out again and he drummed his fingers on the tabletop.
“It’s not just that though. She actually got it to work, you know? She brought some of it back to me. And it fitted in alright and I didn’t die and that was nice I guess it’s just - what if that guy comes back and he wants something else? What if John now is the polar opposite of what life turned the old John into? What if he’s better than I am. Heh, wouldn’t be hard actually.”
“John…”
“Sorry, sorry. See! This is why I don’t like doing this! I sound like a whining tosspot. I don’t have problems. These aren’t problems!”
“They’re making you unhappy so they’re problems,” I said.
“But I can just not be unhappy, it’s easy. I can just think about it real hard,” he said, tapping his head and then slouching. “It’s just taking longer than usual. And I’m worried, right, because she - nah it’s stupid, don’t worry about it.”
“What?” I asked. He held strong so I gave him some of the big eyes. He threw up his hands and caved. A cheap trick, I’m aware.
“Oh, she faked me out once, that’s all. And stuff looked weird. Like the room was round then it was square then it was round. And the tower wasn’t a tower. She could make stuff look like other stuff and I’m worried that - oh. Oh crap I forgot about that…” he said, looking suddenly mortified, eyes wide.
“What is it?”
“Heh, hah, uh, n-no it’s fine it’s not even that big of a deal it was just something that happened that’s all.”
His sudden shift in attitude put me on edge.
“What did she do?” I asked and something in my tone must have got to him because he looked up at me in alarm.
“Nothing like that! I mean, uh, well she - she faked me out, like I said. Kinda made pretend that I got rescued once already. By, uh, you.”
“Oh?”
“Yeah. Had a whole thing. Had you bust in through a wall, fly me out. Very dramatic. There was fire and all sorts. But it was, uh, all really real. I mean, looked real, sounded real, felt real. I’m not sure what parts about it weren’t, really. It cooks my nut. But there was a bit where - well, she was pretending to be, ah, you, and after you - her? - rescued me I might have...given...given her a smooch…” he said, trailing off, fidgeting madly and looking anywhere in the room that wasn’t at me.
“Just a little one!” He then blurted. “I didn’t know!”
I actually laughed. I’d been so worried that she’d done something truly awful that this came as something of a relief. Still bad - I was not a fan of this kind of trickery - but I’d been gearing myself up for something so much worse.
“S’not funny I feel bad about it…didn’t mean it…thought it was you...”
I could sit the other side of the table talking to him any more. I got up, moved around, and settled in beside his seat, wrapping a wing around him. He leant into me.
“It’s okay John, it wasn’t your fault. You were tricked. You couldn’t have known,” I said.
“Still feel bad about it…” He mumbled.
“You shouldn’t,” I said. Then, after a moment: “Was she a good kisser?”
“She didn’t actually kiss back. Think I surprised her. Whole thing was weird.”
“It wasn’t your fault though, I want to make that clear. She tricked you.”
“I know, I know. She has odd ideas about, well, everything, I think. Think she’s got a real strange headspace. I kind of want to dislike her but she’s just so...I don’t know. Nah, I do dislike her she got into my head. But she’s just - ah fuck, I don’t know.”
He twisted in his chair and put both arms around me, which made me smile.
“I don’t know. She was awkward and kind of fumbling and inept but what she was good at she was really, really good at and what she was good at was getting inside my head and nosing around and that freaks me out. And I don’t know what else she’s done. Maybe she actually listened to me and stopped poking around. Maybe she didn’t. I don’t know. She said she’d done something for me to remember her by! What does that even mean?”
“When we get back to Canterlot we’ll have you properly checked and get you a clean bill of health, hmm? Make sure she didn’t do anything we can’t see. Would that make you feel better?”
“It would, actually. See what she did. If anything,” he said.
John then thought about this, and clearly worked out what what I’d said would actually involve.
“Oh God, it’s going to be that guy again isn’t it? The one with the big machine,” he said.
“Doctor Knacker is an expert,” I said, attempting to sound upright and serious. He peered up at me.
“Are there other experts?” He asked.
I thought about this.
“Not that I’m aware of,” I said.
“Just my luck…”
I had to laugh. A tension that had settled felt like it was melting away and it was blissful. Lowering my head I planted a kiss on top of his and he squeezed me tighter.
“I’m sorry,” he said.
“For what?”
“Grousing. Complaining. Being obtuse. Talking too much when I shouldn’t and not talking enough when I should,” he said, face pressed into my side.
“It’s okay, John. You’ve had an excusably rough time. All that matters to me is that you’re okay. How you get to okay is whatever works for you. I would just like to be there to help you along.”
John then surprised me by reaching up to pull my head down closer to his, the better to plant a number of kisses on me that I quickly lost count of. Particularly around the ears. I am fairly certain he did that on purpose and equally certain I was left very red in the face by the suddenness of it all. Among other things.
“Ah you’re lovely, you are. Knew I kept you around for a reason,” he said, grinning.
I couldn’t think of anything to say to that, off the top of my head.