//------------------------------//
// Detective jakkid166 in Fallout Equestria 
// Story: Detective jakkid166 in everything 
// by jakkid166 
//------------------------------//

"Prince Celestia!" said the guard as he bash the dors to Celestias throne room open with his axe.

"What is it?" said Celestia. "I am busy not doing anything!"

"I have bad as fuck news," said guard. "Equestria is going to WAR!"

"WHAT?" said Celestia. "How could this be?!"

"It turn out that Pony Russia's president got assasinate, and they blame us. And now were gonna get nuked by them. Kinda like in Hotline Miami 2."

"Well shit, that sucks." said Celestia.

~ MEANWHILE ~

"Ahhh perfect," I said hanging up my picture of meself on the wall of the polece station. I was just awarded myself "employee of the month" for the 18th month in a row.

"Detective jakkid!" said the intereviewer TV pony reporter who was recording an intervierw video of me. "You got employe of the month again! How do you do it?!"

"Well thats what happen when youre the greatest detective in the world," said me. "And also im the only one who works here."

"Amazing" he said and he went to go print my interview video in the newspaper.

"What a good day," I said. "Now I can sit back and re lax and watch Netflix. Hell yeah boy" so I turned on the TV but something was weird. I had an episode of The Office on netflix but then it CHANGED to the NEWS and the reporter pony said "Special news report! Equestira has gone to war and is about to become nuked to death."

"WHAT?!" I said. "What do you mean nuked?"

"Well you see Detective jakkid166, Equestria has gone at war with Pony Russia. So we are all gonna die. Make sure to lock the doors to your house before you leave. By dying"

"Aw hell!" I said and I ran ouside and saw all the nukes was falling from the sky towards my house.

"SHIIIIIIIIIT!" I said so I ran to me car and open the door and jump inside and shut it and roll the windows up and turn off the A.C. Then the nukes HIT THE GROUND and they blew up so hard that my car got blown away, my car got blown so faraway that it actualy went around the entire world and then landed back where it was at the remain of my home.

I kicked the door open and looked outside. "Fuck!" I said as I look arond at the desolate waste lands that was left of Equestira. "This is just like that time I went to Arizona. But how am I gonne solve crimes if everyone is dead now?"

and so I wept tears out of my face because of tha real ization that I wold never see my old friends again, because they was now blown up in the Nuclear Fuck. I thought back to my friends...

Twilight Sparkel, the one who can read.

Pinkie Pie, top quality Party planer and Heroin Dealer.

Fluttershy, the one who is a pegasus

Applejack, the republican.

and Rarity, who also existed.

"Well crap," I said look around. "I gues I beter get used to living in blown up Equestria, gatherig resources and eating dirt and rocks." so I got in mine detective car and drove it around the waste land looking for stuff like food and water and bottle caps.

I saw a gas station so I wet inside to see if I cold not find any bottle caps to use, but then I realized something.

"OH NO,' I said. "There will be no bottle caps, because Equestira only used cans soda!" and I cursed the heevens and yelled really loudy. But then I was heard a sound!

"WHO DOES THERE?" I grab my gun and point it at myself to take myself hostage incase someone want to shoot me. But then a PONY appeared out of nowhere, who was gray and alive.

"Who the heck are you?" she said to me. She had a gun and was pointed it at me and was Very Menacing.

"I could ask you same question," I said. "So I will. Who the fuck are you"

"My name is Littlepip, but if you dont tell me your name then your name will be Dead."

"Im Detective jakkid166, the greatest Detective in the world."

"Wait a deetective?" said Littlepip "You ar just what I need!"

"Detective jakkid is always what people need," said me and I lower my gun. "But why do you need me?"

"For a long time the Waste Land has been suffer under the terror of Red Eyes and his minion, General Almond Leaf. We hav been trying to kill them for years but it doesnt work because they keep being alive."

"Wow are they even that bad?" I said. "What kind of crimes do they even do?"

"Asault, theft, i think murder a few times too. And they have taken hostage my friends, Calamity and Red Eyes." said Littlepip. "Its realy bad, but maybe since youre a detective you can sentece them to prison for a real long time."

"Great idea!" I said "Okay Littlepit I will help you. But where wil we find Red Eyes and Almond Leaf?"

"I dont know," said Littlepip. "They probably exist somewhere. We just gotta find them." so me and her went outside into the wastelands to look around for clues like I do because im a detective.

Eventually while we was looking we got to a lake and I drank some of the water which made me thirsty.

"Im thirsty," I said "Im gonna drink the lake."

"Dont do that, it is radiation!" said Littlepip.

"But I am THIRSTY!" I said.

"Okay then pretend to drink the water so your body think you drank it and stops bein thirsty."

"Wow good idea!" I said but when I try to do that, I drink the whole lake on accident

"AH CRAP" I said and I was choking on all the radiations in my throat.

"Gosh dangit!" said Littlepip and she shove a rad-away down my throat and the radiation stopped being real. "Phew thanks that wasa close one."

We kept walkin and I said to her "So what is you tragic back story?" I said.

"Well I grew up in the Vault Stable and now I left because to go look for my friend, Velvet Recipe."

"Wow," I said. "That remind me a lot of that game, Fallout 3. Because its weird and New Vegas is better."

But then someone APPEAR and attack up!

FUCK

"Shit!" I said and I dive behind a rock. There was a pony who also was had a gun and he was shooting at us like he was some kinda idiot who likes to murder people. Littelpip dove behind too and said "Get behind cover jakkid!"

"Ok," I said and I dove behind the rock I was behind. "What ar we gonna do?"

The pony was shooting guns at us and shoting rocket launchers and throwing grenades and molotovs and darts and knives and forks at us.

"Dont worry," said Littelpip "I got this, I am a skilled marks pony." so she took her gun and aimed at the moon and shot it, and her bulet went up and hit the moon and bounce off the moon and hit the pony's gun and knock it outta his hands. Then littlepip shot her gun at him and his head came off and rolled into some bowling pins nearby and did a strike.

"Yeeeah strike!" said Littlepip

"WOAH!" I said because I was not prepared for what I saw. "Jesus crapping christ you killed him!"

"Yeah thats how it works in the waste land," said Littlepip.

"But what if we cold put him in jail? Detective jakkid does not condone the murder of killing."

"So what? He was trying to kill us, he deserve it."

"NO!" I said "There is no such thing as deserve to die!"

"If you dont kill even in self defense then why you have a gun?"

"Guns arent for self defense to me. I use guns for other gun things, like interogation or opening Beer Bottles."

"Okay wel if we are gonna survive out here we need to kill lots of ponies."

"Okay fine," I said "But only you do it. Detective jakkid166 may be loose cannon, but I do not kill yet."

"Okay," said Littlepip "But walking sucks. We ned better transport tation."

"Yeah well I have just the thing," I said "You see, in the year of February I people invented the best mode of moving around: the CAR!" and I got my keys out and me car drove over to us and got in us and we started driving around.

"Sweet this is way faster" said Littlepip.

Eventually we kept driving and we got to a place calld Emerald City. It was a town of ponies, but the houses were made of wood and metal and stuf instead of whatever they are normally made from.

"Alright this city hasa lot of ponies, which means there is a good chance someone here know where Red Eyes is," I said.

"So what we do?"

"We interogat them all until we get answers."

so then Littlepip punched me in the face and grabed me and shouted "WHERE IS RED EYES?"

"Yeah like that," I said with my nose bleeding. "But next time do it to someone who is not me." so we got out of the car and went to the noodle soup shop, which was called Noodle Soup Shop.

"HEY!" I said and I slam my fist on the counter and broke it.

"What the hell do you want?" said the noodle pony.

"Have you seen Red Eyes anywhere?"

"Yeah I have but im not gonna tell you if I did or not."

"Shit" I said and I look around. Then Littlepip saw next to me was sitting a guy with robot eyes who looked suspiscos.

She walked to him and said "Hey you, guy with the red eyes. Have you seen the pony Red Eyes anywhere? He is a big idiot who does murder. He likes murdering ponies so much he even murdered himself once"

"Uhhhhh" said the pony "Sorry I dont know who that is. He sound like a dick though."

"Damn okay." said me. "Okay maybe this town doesent have anybody who knows about it."

"I think I can help you," said a voice from the shadows (not the hedgehog just regular shadows)

"Who am I talking to?" I said as a guy came outta the shadows and he was wearin a big black cloak and had a deep craspy voice and looked really evil which meant we did not trust him probably.

"I know where Red Eyes is, I can take him to you," he said.

"Ok I trust you," me and Littlepip said. So we followed him outta diamond city.

"Okay," said him and he point to his van that says "Red Eyes" on it. "He is in there."

"Aw sweet!" said Littlepip "Lets go get him!"

"Hell yeah" I said and we went in the van. But then the DORS shut behind us and the van WAS COMPLETELY EMPTY exept for a bunch of ponies with weapons who beat us up and tied us up and fucked us up

"Aw crap," said Littlepip. "I think the pony might have been lying."

"No wait," I said "Lets see where this goes before we jump to conc clusions."

~ LATER TIME ~

The van stoped and the guy open the doors. He pulled me out and I was strugglin to get outta the ropes but he kept punching me in the face to stop me. He dump us on the floor and get in front of us and took off his cloak.

"GASP!" I said "Not YOU!"

IT WAS

wait

"Who is that" I asked Littlepip.

"That is GENERAL ALMOND LEAF!" she shouted.

IT WAS GENERAL ALMOND LEAF! and we were in Red Eyes's BASE!

"Hahaha," said Almond "I knewed I could capture you. And now you will all get executed to death by Red Eyes, and the waste land will be ours forever!"

"Dang it! How cold he trick us to us?!" Littlepip said in anguish.

"I dont speak Anguish," I said "Can you say it in English instead?"

"Okay," said Littlepip and she did that but then Almond Leaf understanded what she said and said "NO TALKING!" and shot her in the head. But it was a warning shot so it didnt hurt her.

"Here coems Red Eyes!" said one of the guards. And then a pony walk in the room. And it was then I knew why he was called Red Eyes: Because of his robot eyes, which glow a very menacing blue.

"Ahahahahah," Red eyes laughed backwards. "Well if it is Littlepip! You and your boyfriend will not solve the wasteland this time."

"WHAT?" I said "I am not her boyfriend, for like 1 million reasons! and 999,999 of the reasons are "i do not date ponies"."

"Also I'm gay," said Littlepip

"Yeah that too."

"WHAT?" said Red Eyes "You are both GAY? I HATE gay people because I'm evil. And also bi people and lesbians and straight people."

"Well Red Eyes you wont spread you evil gay hating ways on the wasteland!" said Littlepip.

"Uhh yeah I will. Youre tied up idiot"

"Oh yeah darn."

"Now then" said Red Eyes and he aim his gun at us. "This is called a gun, its what kills you." and he FIRED the gun at Littlepips face!

"What do we do jakkid?" said Littlepip while the bulet was flying at her.

"Dont wory I have a plan," I said.

"What kind of plan?"

"A DETECTIVE plan!" I said and I JUMP in front of the bullet and it went in ME instead of Littlepip.

"Noooo jakkid166!" said Littlepip and she hold my dying body. "How cold you kill yourself on a bullet?!"

"Are you fucking stupid?" said Red Eyes "Im killing both of you anyway you dumbass, why would you jump in front of her?"

but I wispered to Littlepip and said "Littlepip you must listen to me."

"HOLY CRAP JAKKID YOURE ALIVE?" said Littlepip "But the bullet shot you!"

"Yes. You see every day I shoot myself to built up an imunity to bulets, so they dont kill me anymore. Now are you ready to escape?"

"Heck yeah" said Littlepip and I chewd the bullet I caught in my mouth into the shape of a key and use it to unlock our ropes and we was FREE!

"What the fuck?" said Red Eyes "Dammit I shoulda put more than one bullet in me gun! GUARDS shoot them!"

so the guards pointed their guns at us and FIRED A BUNCH! I THREW littlepip behind cover and RAN at the bullets and then i JUMPED and the guards shooted upwards at me and the force from the bulets carried me REALLY high into the air and then I came back down REALLY hard and landed on some guards head and knocked him out and took his gun and pointed it at the guards. "HAHA!" I said. "You are outnumberd!"

"But there is like 30 of us and 1 of you." said Almond Leaf.

"Yeah but you are bad guys which make you negative numbers, and -30 is less than 1."

"FUCK hes right!" said one of the guards "We surender!"

"Detective jakkid does it again," I said.

BUT THEN

Red Eyes took onea the guards guns and SHOT and KILLED every signle one of the guards in the room!

"Holy fucking shit!" I said "30 murders?! That is like a 8 on the evil scale!"

"ENOUGH!" said Red Eyes and he grab Littelpip and point his gun at her. "If I cant shoot you then ill kill her. Unless you kill yoself first, then I will let her go!"

"What?" I said "Why wold I kill myself? How stupid does you think I am?"

"To save Littlepip so I dont kill her."

"Yeah but I dont want to kill myself."

"DONT DO IT JAKKID!" said Littlepip

"What the fuck is wrong with you I already said Im not gonna do it" I said and I puleld out my Detective Gun and set it to tranquilize. "I have enough of this shit! Red Eyes you are under arrest."

"Are you stupid? I still have Littlepip!" said Red Eyes.

"Oh my god this the worst fight I ever seen," said Almond Leaf. "Detective Jakkid your life sucks ass." and he left away.

so now it was just me in the room with Red Eyes and Littlepip. And the 30 dead guards

"Okay you know what" I said and I toss my gun aside. "Red Eyes why dont you fight me like a man?"

"Im not a man Im a pony."

"Then fight me like a PONY!"

"Ok" he said and he drop his gun and went to me. He hold out his hoof and said "May the best pony or whatever you are win."

"Agreed" I said and I shake his hoof but it ACTUALY had one of those SHOCK buzzer things on it and it shocked me!

"Haha idiot!" he said.

"You jackass!" I said and I throw my punches at him but he dodged them then picked them up and threw them back at me. Then he shoot his LASER EYES at me but I hold up a mirror and they bounced off and hit him and took away 15 HP

He picked up Littlepip and threw her at me as a weapon but she curved her body into shape of a boomerang and she flew back at him and hit HIM instead and knock him to the ground. He was bout to get back up but I set my fists to Tranquilize and punched him in the face and knock him out for 3 seconds.

"Dammit" he said after 3 seconds "I would have win if I didn't lose!"

"Yeah yeah okay." said Littlepip and she aim his gun at his head. "Hey jakkid do you wanna do it?"

"What the fuck?" I said "No! Cant we just arrest him?"

"No," she said "Theres no jail in the wasteland. Its okay though, when hes dead he will be a ghost then he can go do ghost stuff somewhere else."

"Oh ok."

Little pip aim the gun at Red Eyes. "You are dead now"

"What no im not." said Red Eyes, but then littlepip FIRE the gun into his head and shot his head in the face

"Oh okay I guess im dead now," said Red eyes and his head EXPLODED from the bullet into like 6 pieces. And then Littlepip shot the head pices and they became even more smaller pieces. Then she shotted those pieces and they became smaller pieces again. Then she did it again

"Uhhh you can go wait outside if you want jakkid," said Littlepip "This might take a while"

"Yeah okay." so I went outside and looked around at the blown up lands of Equestira I jsut saved from fascism. I breathed in the air. "Ahhh, fresh radioactivity air. My favorite"

but THEN a plane came down and landed next to me! The doors opened and who was opened it I saw was I could not belive my EYES!

It was Twilight Sparkle and Rarity and Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy and Applejack!

"WOAH!" I said and I cry tears of joy! "Holy shit you guys are alive?!"

"Uhhh yeah," said Twilight. "Im surpised that YOU are alive!"

"Yeah my car is nuclear proof. But how did you guys survive the nucrear blasts?!"

"What" said Twilight. "Dident you hear Jakkid?"

"No, what?"

"Celesita managed to save Equestria by blaming the assasination of Russias president on you. So Russia only nuked your house, no where else."

"Wait what in the shitting holy cocky fucky bucky sucky fuck?" I said "That doesent make sense! Look arounds you! Equestria is blown up!"

"This isent Equestria, that nuclear explosion actually sent you flying all the way to Pony Australia."

"Wait so Pony Australia got blown up then?"

"No this is just what its like normally."

"Shit"

THE END