Diaries of a Madman

by whatmustido

Chapter One Hundred and Ninety-One

To be honest, I wasn’t expecting to end up on a volcano surrounded by dragons. “Where are we?” I asked, looking around. It seemed kinda sorta vaguely familiar, but I couldn’t quite place it.
“This is on the trail of the dragon migration,” the fake Flo said. “I am surprised you don’t remember it.”
“And I’m surprised we’re here. I didn’t really consider this a pivotal moment.”
“Not to you, perhaps,” the reasonable Twilight said. I turned around and beheld Twiggles, Kat, Spike, and Luna. I also finally saw the other me and the other Spike, who were walking down the edge of the volcano. “But you were not the only one there. Your actions have ripples that, while they may not directly affect you, do cause reactions further on.”
“It’s weird that this memory holds no value to you,” the prideful Spike said. “This is when you helped a friend against all odds learn more about who he was. That is something to be proud of!”
“I know why,” my sadistic Kat said with a giggle. “She’s mad she got abandoned and torched!”
“And the fear she felt during all of it ruled her mind,” the timid Woona said. “Most don’t like remembering almost dying…”
“Spike deserved to know more about himself. We couldn’t find much information in the pony libraries, for what later became obvious reasons. That left talking to other dragons. I knew the girls wouldn’t be happy about it and that they’d follow us and sure enough, they did. Not only did they follow us, they fucked everything up. And then, like fucking clockwork, almost everyone abandoned me to fend for myself. Luckily, Dash is a little more loyal than the rest of them, so I’m still standing here today. We both got a little bit crispy, but it’s certainly better than being lunch.”
“Twilight said she didn’t abandon you on purpose,” Fear said. “Do you believe her?”
“I had no other choice but to believe her. I don’t suppose we have any memories about this one?”
“We do,” Pride said. “Two.” He reached up and poked me right between the eyes.
The first memory was apparently of the conversation between Spike and the big dragon after his mate carried me off. The big dude was looking Spike up and down, though there really wasn’t much to see. He finally grunted. “So you were hatched in a magic school. Do you know where the ponies got your egg?”
“...No. None of the ponies I’ve asked knew, either.”
“Hm, that is not surprising. Celestia does so enjoy her censorship. How have you been treated?”
“Really good, for the most part. Princess Celestia raised me herself! Now I’m mostly working with one of her magic students.”
“Celestia raised you herself? Does she know you are here?”
“I mean, I don’t think she does? I didn’t tell her, but Twilight might have… No, she couldn’t have sent a letter! She uses my dragon breath to do it, so I doubt the princess knows. Why?”
“Because if she did, she likely would be on her way to get you. I highly doubt you were meant to speak to another dragon any time soon.”
“...What do you mean? Why wouldn’t she want me to meet another dragon?”
“There is much you do not know. However… I would be very hesitant to tell the son of Princess Celestia the truth. If you choose to return and she finds out what you know, she might come after us.”
“What?! Why?”
“Because the truth is not a pretty thing. Your egg was a spoil of war. The ponies were keeping you hostage. I can’t believe Celestia found a way to hatch one!”
“...Hostage?”
“As I said, the truth is not pretty. There is much you do not know about Celestia. She was not always so docile, nor so open and faux-friendly. You have a choice to make, Spike. If Celestia raised you herself, it means she has a plan for you. It likely will not be enjoyable. You can join us. If she doesn’t know you’re here, she’ll never be able to find you. Your egg came from Iceland. If we can get you there, to either Bahamut or Pyrite, you’ll be safe.”
“...Leave Equestria?”
“Indeed. What is there for you here, Spike? You’ve lived among the ponies for at least a few years, now. Do you really think you have a future here? In another fifty to seventy years, most of your friends will be gone. Finally, Celestia will be all you have left. And that’s when she’ll begin to use you.”
“...Use me how?”
“If I had to guess, I would say as a weapon. She always keeps a few predators around to deal with unpleasant problems. Your friend looks like one such fellow, if I had to guess.”
“You mean Nav? He’s uh… had to work for her before… But then, so have I...”
“So you have already seen that your connection to Celestia means little. I advise joining us while you have the chance. This could be a once in a lifetime opportunity for you to escape her grasp, Spike.” The little fellow cast his eyes down.
I wasn’t expecting Spike to look so torn. He always seemed fairly content in Ponyville back then. Sure, he wanted to know more about himself, but I had no idea he was considering leaving. Finally, he looked back up at the large dragon. “She’s using Nav, too. And he helped me get here when none of the ponies would. Let him come and I’ll join you!”
“He would not be welcome in Iceland, but I can promise him a ride to somewhere he will be comfortable, somewhere outside of Celestia’s grasp. It would be possible for you to visit him later, after you gain your wings.”
Before Spike could reply, some shouting made them look away. Apparently that’s when Rarity and Twilight got caught in their ridiculous green costume. The dragons were tearing it apart and dragging the two terrified ponies out. That’s when the memory ended.
“Huh,” I said.
“Again, you have reason to be proud,” Pride said. “You helped a friend learn more about who he was. You tried to help him escape what could have been a really bad situation.”
“You helped give Spike a missing piece of himself,” Reason said. “Even if this didn’t end as he hoped, he finally learned more. It still wasn’t anywhere near enough and he wasn’t quite sure that he believed it, but it was more than anyone else had done for him before.”
“You have always been someone Spike can rely upon,” Pride continued. “You have helped him time and time again. Spike chose to leave, as long as he could take you with him. What would you have said?”
“To be honest, I don’t know. A part of me wanted nothing more than to leave. I really didn’t see much of a future for myself as Celestia’s lapdog. That said, I also had the feeling that trying to run would be a really bad idea if I got caught, especially if it ended up looking like I dragonnapped Celestia’s son. She already threatened to imprison me once. I wasn’t looking forward to seeing what she would do if she got her hooves on me again. If the dragon’s offer about a safe place was true, I like to think I would have taken it. Unfortunately, he never got the chance to make it.”
“Your fear of the unknown would have stopped you,” Fear said. “And your fear of Celestia was even worse. There was no way you could have ever left. You knew she’d have you dragged back in irons.”
“Or worse,” Pain said, bouncing up and down in a way I found hypnotizing. “Like giving you to Luna!”
“God help me. To be fair, I would be suspicious of the dragon’s offer. I might also try to talk Spike out of it. But if the dragon seemed sincere enough and was confident that I’d be safe from Celestia, maybe. I’m not sure if I knew at the time that Celestia would be able to teleport me from wherever she wanted. And from the looks of things, Celestia wouldn’t have been in a hurry to give me to her sister. I’m not sure when or if she ever changed her mind, but she definitely didn’t look too happy in those other memories. But that’s not to say torture or something was off the table. Or maybe giving me to Kat.”
“What do you think of Spike’s demand?” Reason asked.
“I think it was nice of him,” I said. “I’m happy that he was trying to look out for me. And I guess this is something to be proud of, but I really don’t feel much pride in anything.”
“That is something you should strive to fix,” Pride said. “How can you ever expect to feel good about yourself if you feel no pride in any of the good you’ve done? You hoped to use this coma to kill the bad in you. It has to be replaced with something.”
Being dead inside can’t be that bad… “So how should I go about feeling pride?” I asked.
“Perhaps I can help,” Reason said. “The other memory might assist.” I leaned down so she could more easily poke me. I appeared in the middle of the woods. A split second after I arrived, Twilight, Rarity, and Spike all teleported in.
Twiggles grinned and cantered in place. “We made it!”
“Where’s Nav?” Spike asked.
“What do you mean? I teleported him!” As she was saying that, though, she was looking around. Sure enough, I was nowhere to be found. “Um. Nav?”
“Did you leave him behind?!” Rarity shouted.
“No! I used enough magic to grab him, too! Where is he?!”
“You left him behind!” Spike shouted. “Why were you there at all?! We were doing just fine!”
“Because we were worried about you,” Twilight said. “But we kinda have a bigger problem, now! Nav is still back there!” Right as she said that, we could all hear the echoes of roars. I’m not sure quite where they were, but it couldn’t be that far away.
“So is Rainbow Dash,” Rarity said. “And as much as I’d like to go back and try to help him, I really don’t think there’s much we can do, unless you still have enough magic to teleport back. Otherwise, we need to hope Rainbow can help him while we try and get to safety.”
“How can she help him against hundreds of dragons?” Spike demanded. “I’m going back!” He started trying to leave, but Rarity grabbed one of his claws.
“Spike, I may be the element of generosity, but there comes a time when you must think about your own safety. By the time we could find a way back there, Nav will have either escaped or be beyond our help. We must do our best to get away before the dragons can begin organizing search parties. With their noses and eyes, it will be easy for them to spot us. We can’t stay here and going back would be suicide! If Nav isn’t there when we return, we can inform Celestia. If he’s still… still alive, she will be able to get him back.”
“As she said, I don’t think I have enough magic to get back,” Twilight said. “And even if I did, I probably wouldn’t have enough magic to teleport the two of us back here. I don’t like it, but she might be right. The best thing we can do for Nav right now is to get help. With luck, he’ll escape and be waiting back there for us with some super rude comments about how we abandoned him.”
“And about how ugly I am!” Rarity hissed.
“You know he was just joking,” Twilight said. “Everypony knows you’re beautiful, even if it has been a few days since you had a chance to groom yourself.”
“Well, we’ll have to see about getting home soon to change that. Knowing Nav, I’m confident that he will be waiting for us. If anyone can survive those overgrown lizards, it’s that dashing rogue.”
“Dashing rogue?” I said. “Seriously?”
“We really need to get moving,” Twilight said. “They won’t stay on the mountain forever. We need to go, Spike.”
It very much looked like he wanted to keep arguing the point, but he and I both knew how futile it would be. The poor dragon let them pull him away without a word, though his tail was wagging enough to let me know he was pissed.
Just like that, I was back on the volcano. At this point, I was watching myself get chased by all the dragons. I was too far away to see my expression, but I had a feeling that it was terrified. Still, it was an impressive performance.
“Fear certainly goads you well,” fake Luna said. “Look at you go!”
“Yeah, I’m not a fan of being eaten. So, I guess that memory confirms Twilight left me by accident. I’m not sure how I feel about them refusing to try helping me, but I do understand their extremely self-serving reasoning. I figured Spike would try to fight back more, but I guess he understood the futility of it.”
“Ponies don’t seem like very good friends,” Reason said.
“Of course they’re not good friends,” I said. “Twilight is so bad at it she still has to send a letter about it to her teacher every week. That said, I’m also lacking in the friend department. I may do nice things for people sometimes, but I’m usually really caustic and mean about it.”
“Only when they deserve it,” Pride said.
“Sometimes. Of course, it’s easy for me to say that. What’s deserving it?”
“It’s obvious,” Pain said. “Those who waste your time with nonsense deserve whatever comes to them.”
“Right, of course. And since I live in a nonsensical world, people give me a lot of nonsense. I think it’s time to accept that fundamentally, me being a human essentially turns everyone around me into… mouth-breathing retards. I’m going to be getting a lot of nonsense. I can’t keep being a dick to everyone just because they hit me with some bullshit.”
“Then I have a recommendation,” Pride said. “You are a wealthy, powerful person. Why surround yourself with people who give you nonsense in the first place?”
“Because I really don’t want to turn into Celestia. There’s times I might want to pay for professionalism, but there’s also something to be said for having a staff who actually likes you. I haven’t taken to being a noble very well. I don’t like everyone working around me. I don’t like everyone having plans and intentions for me.”
“Then it is time to nip them in the bud,” Pride said. “You have been allowing others to push you. You have merely been reacting to those around you. It is time to lead. That means picking your vision of you and making the others to fall in line.”
“That’s what this coma is for. Once I pick my ideal version of me, I just have to hope they don’t slit my throat and tell me that I turned evil or something. Now, let’s get back on topic. I think we were talking about how I’m supposed to be proud of being Spike’s friend or something?”
“Not that being his friend has ever done you much good,” Pain said with a little giggle.
“Very true. My friendship with Spike has been a painful one. That said, it’s usually not his fault.”
“But you have helped him grow,” Reason said. “You have turned him from a cowering pet lizard into a fearsome dragon.”
“He’s definitely still growing, but I guess I should be proud of how far he’s come.”
“And how far you’ve taken him,” Pride said. “Who would he be, if not for you? Twilight’s eternal lapdragon? Or maybe Rarity’s dress-up doll?”
“I don’t know, it wouldn’t have been all bad. She would have hooked him up with a cute colt! But I do think he prefers being my pet dragon. At least I feed him properly.”
“A dragon is a powerful thing to have in your back pocket,” Pride said.
“It is. But I always have to remember that Spike is my friend, not an employee.”
“That could be rectified,” Fear said. “You would be a terror to behold, with a properly trained dragon at your beck and call.”
“I’m a terror to behold without it. I don’t want to turn Spike into a weapon. If he decides he wants to keep fighting, that’s on him. And if he decides later on to become a vassal… then maybe. I certainly wouldn’t mind bathing some parts of the world in flames…”
“You always take care not to control others too much,” Reason said. “Why?”
“Because I don’t want to be controlled. I’m learning more and more that some people do want that. Some people need it. If Spike finds that he does need someone to keep him stable, then I’d be proud to add him to my collection. I’d rather teach him to be his own person, though.”
“You’re such a good, loyal friend,” Pain sarcastically said. “I can’t help but wonder why, after all your so-called friends have put you through.”
“Well… I guess we’ll find out why together. As for this memory… I need to stop underestimating how much I mean to people. I seem to do it all the time. It’s time to start acting with the knowledge that my words and actions carry a lot of weight with a lot of people. I effectively saved Spike’s life a few times and helped answer as many of his questions as possible. That is absolutely something to be proud of and acting like it’s not is honestly insulting.”
“It is,” Reason said. “The look of betrayal in the eyes of others when you deny how important you are is always uncomfortable.”
“Yeah. Anyway, we still have a lot of time to cover. I think I’m done here. Shall we move on?”
“We shall,” my guide said. Her eyes flashed and off we went.

As expected, we ended up back in the homeland of the cats. “Alright, Egypt Part Two: Electric Scootaloo,” I said. “Let’s do this.”
“Many things happened on this trip,” my guide said. “How much do you remember?”
“Celestia wanted me to babysit two useless nobles. She was sending them to Egypt to get rid of them. One ended up being a douche who I kinda murdered. That shocked the other enough to keep her in line. I ended up reconnecting with Kat when we got to the capital. That led to some lewd shenanigans, though I still don’t know why I let it happen. Assassins came for the ambassador pretty quickly. I killed one and captured the other. Kat and I tortured him and learned where their contacts were. The king ended up using the info to take down one of his most powerful rivals, putting him solidly in charge. Somewhere in there, I found Taya.”
“Quite a lot,” Pride said. I turned and beheld him standing with Reason and Pain. “You did good on this trip. A lot of it.”
“Aside from that murder,” Pain said. “Although the fellow did deserve it, didn’t he?”
“Calix would have created problems, but that doesn’t mean he deserved death,” Reason said. “But that moment wasn’t nearly as formative as finding Taya, was it?”
“Yeah, I figured that would be the highlight of this trip,” I said. “With maybe a little bit of the relationship with Kat dotted here and there. So, we got any juicy memories?”
“Due to the trauma, Taya’s memories of this time are… muddled, to say the least,” Reason said. “So we have no memories from her. We do have memories from Kat and Luna, though.”
“Oh boy, here we go. More crazy cat lady it is, then.” Pain giggled and booped me.
Sure enough, Kat and Jocasta stood before me. I was expecting them to be in a room, but instead, we all appeared in the middle of a forest. I didn’t see any forests in Egypt, so I’m pretty sure this was the tree thing. “Have you heard the news yet?” Jocasta asked.
“I’ve heard all kinds of news. What’s happening this time? Another coup attempt?”
“We’re being joined by ambassadors from Equestria.”
“Oooh, that’s new!” Kat said, leaning forward. “Anyone interesting?”
“Your favorite mutant will supposedly be with them.”
“Nav is coming back?!” my cute little kitty squealed in glee, bouncing in place.
“...I wasn’t expecting you to be so excited. Even your tail is wagging!”
Kat noticed how enthusiastic she looked and seemed to shiver for a moment before calming down. “I… missed him. And I’ve wanted to speak to him again.”
“I’m not sure he’ll want to speak to you, after everything that you did to him…”
“Time heals all wounds,” Kat replied with a shrug. “Plus, he’s a tom. I can play him like a fiddle. As long as I get a chance to work on him, he’ll be putty in my paws in no time!”
“He doesn’t really seem worth it, to me. You could easily do better.”
“Maybe. But he won’t be here forever. I might as well have my fun while he is! I’m sure I could talk him into giving you a try, too...”
“Not interested.”
“All the more time for him to spend with me, then,” Kat said with a smirk. “I bet I can make him take me flying…”
“Yeah, and he’ll probably drop you. Be wary of trusting him, Kat. You hurt him and he’s dangerous. You might think you can tame him, but there’s always the chance he’ll plot revenge.”
“Trust me, Nav isn’t like that. I know him better than you, remember?”
Jocasta snorted. “Suit yourself.”
“So when are they supposed to get here?”
“They’re already at the embassy. They’ll be coming to the palace this afternoon for a luncheon. I’m sure if you asked, Jim would let you visit.”
“He’s going to do more than let me visit,” she said. “He’s going to appoint me the palace liaison to the embassy.”
“And why is he going to do that?” Jocasta asked.
“Because I’m going to tell him that if he doesn’t, I’ll murder whoever he does appoint. And then I’ll keep doing it until he chooses me instead. I’ll see you later, Jocasta. I have a king to speak to.” The memory ended just like that.
“Well, that’s pretty spooky,” I said. “I didn’t realize she was doing so much to manipulate me, but it’s not surprising at all.”
“How does this new revelation make you feel?” Pain asked. “Did it hurt?”
“Eh, not really. Like I said, it wasn’t surprising. Kat being batshit crazy isn’t really news. Although I do really wonder why Kat seemed to be affected so strongly by me. None of the others were.”
“And you don’t think that this is something you should take a moment to consider?” Reason asked. “You now have evidence that Kat was manipulating you.”
“Who the fuck hasn’t been manipulating me? Ever since I got here, it’s all been one big game to see who could fuck with me the most. I was literally created to be manipulated. Does it piss me off? Kinda a little, yeah. But making a big deal over something Kat did to me ages ago seems so… petty, now. That said, I’m absolutely going to be having a talk with her about this. I know she’s still doing it and it needs to stop.”
“It’s not like you take pains to fight it,” Pain said. “You let her do so much without even a thought in your mind…”
“Of course I have thoughts about it. A lot of what she’s done recently has made me uncomfortable. Yelling at her seems to have calmed her down some, but I don’t like having to do that.”
“And you enjoy the sex, of course,” Reason said.
“I do, but I know I shouldn’t. I have too many partners. If I don’t end up deciding to get married, I’m definitely going to cut the number of people I sleep with. Kat will be one of them.”
“You seem so sure of what you need to do,” Reason said. “Why do you need us if you already know what must be done?”
“To be honest, most of what I need to do is common sense. I already know it, I just don’t want to have to. I was hoping this would give me the motivation. Seeing all the bullshit people were doing behind my back is definitely helping. I’m tired of being used and manipulated.”
“Good,” Pride said with a nod. “Then you’re ready for the next memory.” He reached up and poked me in the face.
This time, I beheld Luna and Celestia again. It looked like they were at breakfast. “Have you been watching the escapades of your favorite friend?” Celestia asked.
“I do not like spying on him. I usually only do so if I believe he might be in danger.” Bullshit.
“Right, of course. Well, do you remember Kat?” Luna’s ears twitched. “Oh, surely you remember. Nav’s cute little desert fling?”
“That is not how he described it.”
“You didn’t see the scars on his back. But now I’m starting to question his version of events, because he’s been quite willing to do whatever she wants. She doesn’t seem to be scratching him now, though.”
That made Luna’s ears twitch even more. “...Why would Nav spend time around that monster?”
“That’s a good question. He’s doing more than spending time around her, though. She’s shown him around the city, she took him to a few romantic landmarks, he took her flying… It also seems like they’re taking every chance they can get to… blow off some steam, so to say.” Luna’s teeth started grinding. “I really am surprised you haven’t been watching. It’s been quite the show! And some of the things he’s said have been quite amusing, too. He seems to think he could kill us.”
“What? Why would he even be talking about that?!”
“Because he is irreverent and doesn’t respect our power. I think he should be punished.”
“...And what manner of punishment would you propose?”
“I suggest we make a wager with our little human. We’ll give him the chance to try his luck on us. When he utterly fails to faux-assassinate us, he’ll hopefully be more humble.”
“Do not count your roosters before they hatch, dear sister,” Luna said. “We are powerful, but Nav is wily. He thinks very differently than we do. Where you may see security and invulnerability, he may see an opportunity.”
“All the more reason for us to make this wager. If he can find any way to hurt us, we need to know so we can stop it in the future.”
“It does not seem wise. What would you wager?”
“I’m not sure yet. This is your chance to do more with him, Luna. You can make him do anything. Don’t waste this opportunity.”
“I do not want to make him love me! If he finds Kat’s presence so preferable, perhaps we should banish him to Egypt!”
“Perhaps we should,” Celestia said. “Let’s banish someone with his mind and capabilities to a continent with wide swathes of land where magic doesn’t work at all. It’s not like there’s any way that could ever go poorly or backfire on us at all.”
“What, would you rather continue holding this over me?” Luna asked. “Continue using it to taunt and tease me? Bringing me to rage by filling me in on his conquests?”
“What ever do you mean, Luna?” Celestia innocently asked. “I was just trying to talk about our mutual friend. I thought you might be interested in what he’s been up to. And perhaps who he’s been up in…” I really want to strangle her. Why would she do this to her sister?
From the look on Luna’s face, she was probably thinking similar things. Unfortunately, she didn’t try strangling her sister. “Fine, then! We’ll do your stupid wager! But do not come crying to me if we both lose and you have to do whatever he asks of you!”
“Believe me, I have nothing to fear from him. He’s far too afraid of me to ever take advantage of a wager. You might need to be wary, though…”
“Apparently he’s afraid of me, too. Even if I did ask for more as a wager, I doubt he would accept…”
“Then consider starting small.”
“...What do you mean?”
“You don’t have to ask him for a relationship. Why not just ask him for sex?”
Luna’s face lit up bright red. “W-what?!”
“It’s obvious you’re jealous about Kat. If you sleep with him too, there wouldn’t be any reason to be jealous!”
“I… I thought you did not… approve…”
“Sex isn’t a relationship. Jump his bones as much as you want, as long as you’re discreet.”
“Hm. There is only one downside. He isn’t attracted to ponies.”
“Then it’s a good thing you know a spell to turn into a human.”
“That is a good thing. I wonder how I would look… Hm. So be it, then. I shall make a wager with the human. When I win, he will add a princess to his list of conquests.”
“Good. I think I know just what I should ask for, too. It’s good to treat myself every once and awhile…”
“What exactly does that mean?” Luna slowly asked.
“I think I’ll make the same wager! If the way he treats cats is anything like the way he treats humans, I think I’ll be in for a fun time!” Luna’s mouth dropped.
The memory ended there. “So wait, I’m confused,” I said. “Why did Celestia tell Luna to fuck me and then turn around and do the same thing?”
“We don’t have access to her memories, but I can make a few semi-educated guesses,” Reason said. “First, Celestia didn’t want you and Luna to be together. If they both made the same wager, you wouldn’t look into it as much. Second, one of the ways that Celestia kept Luna under control was by taking away everyone who was close to her. By sleeping with you after you had been with Luna, and making the experience considerably more enjoyable, she did a lot to bring you closer.”
“And the third option, which is my favorite, is that the princess liked watching you sling dick so much that she just had to try it,” Pride said. I lifted up a hand and he high-fived it without missing a beat. “Aww yeah!”
“It’s possible she just wanted to hurt or punish Luna,” Pain said.
“Punish her for what?” I asked.
“Falling in love with you, obviously. This is Celestia blatantly showing off how little you care about Luna’s feelings for you. You were happy to sleep with the sister of the mare who bared her soul to you.”
“That’s hyperbolic and not at all fair. The way they worded the deal to me is that they were both lonely and wanted some physical comfort. They both made it clear that they wanted some down and dirty porkin’. I did know that Luna wanted my hot human bod, but I think it was fair to assume, at least at the time, that if they talked about coming up with the deal together, they were fine with whatever the results ended up being. Why would I assume sleeping with Celestia would break Luna’s heart when they collaborated to come up with the idea?”
“Because it’s the sister of the mare who loved you,” Reason said. “And yet you never even considered how this might affect her, did you?”
“I did, but it was only later. The question then becomes, would I have slept with Celestia anyway, even if I knew it would hurt Luna? I didn’t want a relationship with Luna, but I never wanted to hurt her. A part of me also questioned the wisdom of turning down a proposition from Celestia, though I really doubt she would have done anything had I said no. Thinking back, sleeping with them both was definitely a bad idea.” Although another part of me has always wanted to try it with both at once.
“Even the ancient are not immune to jealousy,” Pride said. “Apparently they also aren’t immune to petty catfighting.”
“I posit that sleeping with either of them was a terrible idea,” Reason said. “You should have done as much as you could to avoid them entirely. All sex did was give them another reason to want to keep you around.”
“That’s actually a really good point. I’ve let my dick get me into a lot of trouble.”
“And your vagina.”
“We’ll get to that later. Thankfully, problems like this will hopefully crop up less when I stop being such a slut.”
“Assuming you can manage it,” Pain said with a smirk.
“Of course. So, do we get to talk about Taya here or are we going to wait for another time?”
My guide slid behind me and placed her tendrils on my shoulders. “When you found her, Taya was lost. Alone. Utterly terrified with nowhere to go. When you pulled her off that street, you became that filly’s entire world. And yet you wanted nothing more than to get rid of her. That guilt has never left you.”
“...It hasn’t,” I said. “I couldn’t leave her there. That just… wasn’t an option. But I knew I wouldn’t be the right person to help her get better. I had a feeling that all I could do was make things worse.”
“It became a self-fulfilling prophecy,” Reason said. “But we aren’t there yet. Is that the only reason you didn’t want her?”
“Obviously not. I was planning on killing myself some time after I got back. Getting Taya forced on me meant I had to stay alive for her. She also felt like a leash around my neck, held by Celestia. It meant I couldn’t stay away from home for as long, but I always had to come back. And of course, not only did I have a feeling I would make her worse, I didn’t even want to try to make her better. I wanted to get rid of her, preferably as quickly as possible. The only reason I didn’t leave her at the embassy in Egypt is because I knew she would find her way into the king’s pocket.”
“Why?” my guide asked. I had a feeling she already knew the answer, though.
“I hate the idea of someone being dependent on me. Of someone relying on me. I know in the end, all I’ll ever be able to do is let them down.”
“That’s dumb as fuck,” Pride said.
“Seems pretty accurate to me,” Pain replied with a shrug. “I mean, look at what she did to that poor filly!”
“It’s the self-hatred,” Reason said. “There doesn’t need to be a reason and it doesn’t need to make sense. Be honest: When have you truly let someone down?”
“I guess that really depends,” I said. “I’ve definitely disappointed a lot of people, but usually when someone is actually depending on something I do, I do what’s expected of me. I’m really good at it in the short-term, but not so much in the long-term. The longer my relationships tend to go on, the worse they usually end up being because of how abrasive and shitty my personality is.”
“And then you blame it on other things like letting others down so you don’t have to change anything about how terrible you are,” Pain said with a nod. “It makes perfect sense!”
“She really gets me,” I said. “That’s probably not a good thing.”
“We all really get you,” Reason said. “We just get different parts of you based on what we represent. She understands the things that cause you pain, like your self-hatred.”
“So if I kill her, will all my pain go away?”
“We have no way of knowing what exactly it would do,” Fake Twilight said. “But if I had to guess, I’d say it would erase your ability to comprehend pain. Specifically emotional and mental pain. I don’t think it would deaden your actual nerve endings.”
“I say you go for it,” Pride said. “You’d be better off without her!”
“Go ahead and put me out of your misery,” Pain sweetly said, lifting her head to bare her neck. “I won’t even try and stop you!”
“I’m not actually going to,” I said. “Just curious. But yeah, that does make sense. Generally speaking, I’m not a very nice person and I tend to drive people away. And instead of trying to fix the things about me that force peeps out, I make up excuses. Although I guess letting them down would also be something about myself I could fix, but still.”
“And you didn’t want to end up driving Taya away, so you wanted to get rid of her before she became too close,” Reason said.
“I guess that’s part of it. To be honest, I never really imagined her staying with me as an option that Celestia would even consider, up until Luna mentioned it and Celestia made it official. I figured they wouldn’t want me in charge of a pony.”
“That seems like a fair assumption,” Reason said. “The ponies are, for the most part, fairly racist.”
“So I guess all in all, I didn’t want Taya to stay with me because I knew I would end up either breaking her horribly or driving her away. I don’t think I was mature enough to really handle a filly, especially not one who got so attached so quickly.”
“And do you really think that’s changed?” Pain asked.
“I never said it did. That said, I’m definitely more mature now than I used to be, but that doesn’t necessarily mean I’m capable of raising someone.”
“Anyone can raise a kid,” Pride said. “Raising them right is the hard part. Good thing humans are the best at everything!”
“Even failing?” I asked.
“Well, you blew yourselves up with nukes, so I guess?”
“That’s kinda fair. So, what’s the takeaway from this?”
“Don’t trust Kat,” Pain said. “All she wants to do is manipulate and use you.” Can’t deny that.
“Killing Celestia was the right move,” Pride said. “She was cruel and conniving.” Makes sense.
“You never wanted Taya,” Reason said. “There was nothing wrong with that. But you were given Taya. You should have changed to help raise her properly, but you didn’t. You were given talk after talk and chance after chance, but you never seemed to make the effort to change.”
“I wish I could say I tried my best, but I don’t really know if that’s true. I mostly let her just stagnate. I also typically had excuses not to spend time with her. Right now, she seems happy but… unstable. And the immortality is horrifying. I have a feeling in about ten years, she’s going to be sick of being my little filly.”
“We aren’t quite there yet,” my guide said. “We will discuss that in time.”
“Alright. So I was a failure of a parent from the very start. Is it time to move on?”
“Is that really what you’re taking away from this?” Reason asked.
“It’s what you’re saying, isn’t it? I never wanted Taya and when I got her, I did nothing to change myself to be a better parent for her. That makes me a failure of a parent.”
“I’d have to agree,” Pain said. Pride shrugged.
Reason sighed and lowered her head. “You really don’t need to give her ammo…”
“Sometimes the truth is painful. That doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be sought out. And in this case, the truth is that I am not a good parent.”
“And the truth always sets you free,” my guide said, finally pulling her watery hands away. Just like that, we flashed off.

This time, we appeared in front of a sickbed. A nearly dead and slightly crispy version of me was on it. Taya was curled up in a corner, crying. Twilight was trying to console her, but it wasn’t working. The walls were covered in vines and a few were hanging from the ceiling. I don’t know how I actually remembered this, but it may have just been a projection.
“So this is when Taya almost killed me,” I said. “Fun stuff.”
“And when you became immortal,” Reason said. This time, the room we were in was so small that they couldn’t actually appear behind me. I finally realized that they were invisible until their first line was done, because Reason and Fear both appeared in front of me.
“It was far too much for you to handle,” Fear said. “What Taya did to you meant nothing in comparison.”
“I recognize what Taya did was an accident. I never blamed her for it.”
“That doesn’t mean she didn’t blame herself,” Reason said. “This is when she started trying to learn magic to protect you. We have two memories for you.”
“Baller. Let’s do it.”
Fear reached up to poke me first. I beheld Luna and Celestia looking over what was essentially a charred husk.
“I’m calling a pause,” I said. “I don’t wanna look at myself like this. Aqua, would you mind blurring this or something?” After a second, the chunk of burnt meat on the table became a tasteful bouquet. “Alright, unpause.”
“What do you mean, you don’t know what to do?!” Luna demanded. “You can heal anything! Fix him!”
“I can heal anything on a pony. Nav hasn’t been in a hurry to let me magically examine him. And now that he’s more ash than person, it’s a little too late to magically examine him. There’s a lot of things I could try, but none of them are guaranteed to actually work. Not with him being this bad. If we were just a few minutes later, I could not have stabilized him.”
“So will he just remain in a coma indefinitely?!”
“I said there are things I could try. Nav himself actually gave me an idea for something I’ve been considering looking into more for a while now. He mentioned absorbing the life of a tree.”
“...That sounds familiar.”
“You remember Poira, don’t you?”
“I do. I’m not sure Nav would appreciate that fate.”
“How much do you think he would appreciate being dead?” Celestia sweetly asked.
“...Honestly? He’d probably thank us.”
“He might, actually. Well, as I said, I’ve been meaning to experiment with creating new tree things. Particularly ones that are loyal to me. Nav with Poira’s skills would be an incredible asset. And with the data we collect from him, we can create several more agents just like him!”
“...I don’t like this,” Luna said. “We’re putting too much on him.”
“I’ve been meaning to give him more rewards,” Celestia said. “That five hundred bits was just the start. He’s proven his use. If his loyalty and good deeds continue, he’ll continue gaining power and status. Up next is a knighthood.”
“You would make him a knight?”
“I would. Just think, Luna. Your first knight since your return could be another tree sibling. A tree sibling you can sleep with, at that!”
Luna looked down at the pretty flowers for a moment. She seemed awfully conflicted. Finally, she sighed and hung her head. “So be it, then. Do what you must.”
The memory ended, putting me back in the sickroom. “So I was just another magical experiment,” I said.
“It was a magical experiment that saved your life,” Reason said.
“And made you effectively immortal,” Fear said. “Up to and including becoming a tree.”
“I feel like I’ve mostly come to terms with the immortality thing now,” I said. “It’s definitely scary, but I recognize that it’s coming and I’m starting to make plans to put myself in a world worth living.”
“You were scared for such a long time,” Reason said. “Are you sure you’ve come to terms with it?”
“Part of why I was scared is because I was Celestia’s slave. That’s no longer the case. Now I’m scared because I’m Discord’s slave. But I either break that hold by getting a soul of my own or I don’t and become his bitch. There’s no real uncertainty.”
“Until you break his hold and become free,” Fear said. “Then you’ll have an entire immortality to look forward to with no one to rule over you but yourself!”
“I’m confident I’ll find ways to pass the time. I guess a part of me is still afraid. Even if I might not technically be completely and utterly immortal, my projected lifespan is a lot longer than any human has any right to have. But I’m confident that I’ll either be able to manage it or I’ll be surrounded by people capable of helping me get through it.”
“Confidence is unbecoming of you,” Fear said. “Your followers expect indecision and a weak personality. That makes you easier for them to control!”
“So I’ve realized. I plan for confidence to carry me into the future. If my companions can’t tolerate that, then I’ll get rid of them.”
“Eternity is a long time,” Reason said. “You have time to reflect. Would you like to opine on why you believe you’re fine with your immortality?”
“Because I have Luna, Celestia, Moonbeam, Athena, all the elementals, Spike, Taya, Blossom, and probs a bunch more who will be with me along for the ride. For a long time, I thought I would essentially be alone most of the time. Sure, I would be working with Luna and Celestia, but I highly doubted I’d have many other friends. I spent so much time being depressed about losing everyone that I never stopped to think of everyone I might gain. If I’ve found this many other immortals on my journey so far, think about what else awaits me. I will live a long time and that does worry me, but I’ll be spending that time with some cool people.”
“That’s reasonable, I suppose,” Reason said. “A huge part of all fear is that of the unknown. You are going into a big future, but it’s with trustworthy companions by your side. That would put any mind at ease.”
“It certainly helps. So what’s the next memory?”
Reason lifted up a hoof and poked me. This time, I saw Twilight and Taya. My filly wasn’t crying anymore, so I think this was after I woke up.
“I can’t let that happen again,” Taya very firmly said. “I won’t ever hurt him again!”
“The only way to stop outbursts like that is to learn control,” Twilight said. “You must learn to harness your magic. Given what you did, I’d say that you have a large potential. Nav is right: You can do whatever you want with your magic. You absolutely don’t have to use it to hurt anypony, but you do have to learn how to control it. Otherwise, outbursts like this might happen again and you could hurt others.”
“I want to learn how to protect daddy!”
“I can definitely teach you how, depending on what exactly you mean. Magic allows for several types of shields and wards. It also allows magical buffs that help ponies in all kinds of ways.”
“...Daddy told me something once,” Taya slowly said. “The best defense is a good offense. Does that mean that the best way to protect him is to learn how to fight?”
“What? No, that’s crazy. Look, Taya… Everypony really likes Nav, but he’s been through a lot. Sometimes he says things that… don’t exactly make sense. You need to be wary of taking anything he tells you at face value. Even now, he still doesn’t always understand how things in Equestria work.”
“So what is the best defense?”
“That depends on the situation. My brother’s special talent is actually to create incredibly powerful shields. I’d say that usually, giant impenetrable shields are the best defense. If nobody can get to Nav, nobody can hurt him.
“...But then how will he hug me?” Taya asked, her head tilting.
“You’d be inside the shield too, of course.”
“Oh, perfect. So are you saying daddy’s crazy?”
“I’m not saying that Nav is crazy. However, some of what he says is crazy. Some of what he does is also questionable. If you ever have any doubts about anything he tells you, please come to me before you repeat it. And uh… maybe don’t tell him I said that.”
“Why? Shouldn’t he stop saying crazy things?”
“Yes. But humans and ponies have different minds. What’s crazy to us might not be crazy to him. For all I know, some of the things he says makes perfect sense to him.”
“What if they make perfect sense to me, too?” Taya asked.
That actually made Twilight grin. It was the super annoying grin she used to get on her face all the time when I said something she thought was stupid and she thought she was going to be teaching me a lesson. It didn’t usually end well for her. “In what world could the best defense ever be a good offense?” Twilight asked with her smarmy, smug tone.
“This one! Daddy defended our ship from pirates by attacking their ship before their unicorns could get in range, saving the unicorns on board and using them to kill the remaining pirates. Isn’t that using offense defensively?”
“...You were attacked by pirates?”
“Yep, on the way back from Egypt! Daddy saved the day!”
“Well, that’s one time, but—”
“And before he found me, he apparently defended the ambassador from assassins by finding them before they could lay their trap and beating them in a one on two fight! So he used an offensive attack to defend the ambassador. Isn’t that using offense defensively, too?”
“Okay, and in what world do either of those actions make any kind of logical sense at all?” Twilight asked. “He… what, I guess flew onto a pirate ship? That’s crazy!”
“I guess our world, because it made perfect sense to him, he did it, and it worked perfectly.” Twilight sighed and rubbed her temple. This was probably the first sign of what was to come, with me and Taya both teaming up against her with logic and reasoning. “Oh, and there was also that time with the naga! He apparently defended their home by leading an attack on the opposing force!”
“Alright, how about this… Would attacking have been necessary if the enemy couldn’t get to the friendly naga in the first place?”
“...Well, it’s not like the other naga would have just gone away, right? You’d have to attack eventually to get rid of them. Why waste magic with a shield in the first place if you could just use magic to fight them instead? That way, daddy wouldn’t have to do it!”
Twilight’s shoulders slumped and she sighed. “Taya, I really don’t think your father wants you fighting. To be honest, I… don’t think he likes magic that much. I’m sure he’d be much happier if you got into healing instead!”
“...Maybe. Oh, if I learned how to heal, I could help him torture more cats!”
“What?!”
Thankfully, the memory ended there. “So apparently my filly was a psychopath for longer than I thought,” I said.
“That’s not true,” Fear said. “You had concerns she was a psychopath much earlier on.”
“I’m gonna have to take your word for it, fam.”
“You can also take mine,” Reason said. “You did have concerns, but you weren’t certain.”
“Well, I’d say I was right. At least in that regard, it wasn’t entirely my fault. I just didn’t help as much as I should have. So, I guess the takeaway here is that Taya was thinking about becoming my vicious attack filly for longer than I thought, too.”
“Is that what you took away from this?” Reason asked.
“Yes. I literally just said it. Why? Is there something else?”
“Yes, there is. Think before you speak. If you hadn’t told those violent stories to Taya and told her anything about battles, she probably wouldn’t have gotten a cutie mark in fighting!”
“That depends on how you look at cutie marks,” I said. “Are they fate or are they possibilities? It’s entirely possible that it was always Taya’s fate to become a warrior, either for me or for Egypt. If cutie marks are just possibilities, then I’d say I was a pretty big part of what made her choose this path.”
“According to Luna, fates are just possibilities,” Reason said. “So when Taya was born, she had many possible fates. Your actions and words pushed her toward the fate of violence.”
“Alright, I’ll accept that. But I’ll also say that Taya having a cutie mark in violence is probably the least of my concerns involving her. Like, it was a fuckup, but there’s really nothing wrong with being a warrior. Especially when, you know, dying in battle is a short-term problem and you never have to worry about being permanently maimed.”
“You still can’t stand the idea of her getting hurt,” Fear said.
“I wouldn’t be able to stand the idea of that even if she wasn’t a warrior. At least this way, I know she can take care of herself. I’ve also been able to arrange to keep her out of any real danger. From the looks of things, she’s having a blast.” Neither of the aspects seemed amused by the pun, but my guide turned light pink for a second or two.
“Do you really think this is good for her?” Fear asked.
“Oh hell no. But her cutie mark is combat magic, as much as I might like to say otherwise. I can’t ask her not to do what she’s best at, especially when I have no excuse to fight, either.”
“Of course you have an excuse,” Reason said. “You are an adult and she is your perma-filly. That’s all the excuse you need. If you let her make the decisions, are you really the adult?”
“...I’m certainly going to do what I can to keep us out of combat in the future. Now that I have Celestia under my pseudo-control, I don’t think I’ll need to do nearly as much of my own dirty work. When it comes time for the Tartarus invasion, I plan to do my best to keep Taya out of the fighting. I don’t want her going against demons.”
“You shouldn’t want her fighting against anything!” Reason said.
“And until I got Luna and took over Celestia, I didn’t really have many other options. I needed magical power. Now I have it in spades and will do my best to keep Taya away from combat. If she doesn’t like it, you’re right. I am the adult and she is my eternafilly. That is the choice she made.”
“A choice we will get to,” my guide said. “Are you ready to move on?”
“Am I?” I asked, looking over to Reason.
“Never forget that you are Taya’s only parent, the only one she respects and obeys. You are the one she will seek to emulate. No matter what else is happening, if you are fighting, she’ll want to join you. And knowing her, she’ll find a way to make it happen. Keep that in mind come Tartarus.”
“I will.” My guide’s eyes flashed and we moved on.

We appeared on the overlook at Cadance’s wedding. Although when I took a second to look around, I saw that Twilight and I weren’t there. That meant it was actually Chrysalis’s wedding. “I guess I’m not surprised to end up here,” I said. “I did kinda help change the course of history. Are we going to be covering the whole week?”
“This is when you were knighted,” Fear said.
“This is when Luna finally tied her strings to you,” Reason said.
“And this is when you saved a queen, a princess, and a wedding,” Pride said.
“All while having your mind twisted to lust by those you trusted,” Pain said.
“This is the last time you felt me for a long time,” Hope said. “The wedding is when I died for so long…” Way to be dramatic.
“So we got the whole crew here this time, huh?” I said, turning around.
“This isn’t all of us,” Reason said. “You just don’t really feel much until you get out of your miasma a little further down the line.”
“Ah. So yeah, a lot of stuff happened this week. Do we have any fun memories?”
“That depends on your definition of fun,” Pain replied with a shrug. “I know I’ll have fun!”
“Sounds like a no to me. Let’s get it over with, then.”
Pain jumped forward and bapped me on the face. Chrysalis and Celestia appeared before me, locked in a staring contest. This was after we crashed the wedding and captured my sweet little bug queen, so she was in a magic bubble.
“It’s nice to finally have you in my dungeon where you belong,” Celestia finally said.
“What do you intend to do with me?” Chrysalis demanded.
“I intended to send you to Tartarus, but one of my new assets convinced me otherwise. He seems to believe we can come to a peace agreement. He even proposed a possible alliance!”
“It seems you put much weight on his words. I know how much you’ve wanted me out of the picture!”
“Oh, Chrysalis, you know I never wanted this,” Celestia said. “I never wanted us to be enemies…”
“Your responses to my requests for aid could have fooled me. So do you intend to force me into some lopsided alliance, then? Turn my changelings into yet another of your vassal races? Allow us to siphon off love like parasites?”
“That’s what your race are, Chrysalis. Parasites. I have no intention of allowing my ponies to be fed upon. But Navarone is intelligent and his mind works in ways I don’t yet fully understand. If he believes a solution can be found, I will allow him the chance to seek one.”
“...Navarone. The winged ape, I assume?”
“The very same. I am placing you in his care while you’re a guest here. I suggest doing your best to accommodate him.”
“I will need to find a way to feed. He is somehow empty of emotion.”
“That… explains some things. I will see to finding you emotions. If you treat Nav with respect, you will be treated with respect in turn. In fact, I assume he’ll be complaining about your treatment.”
“He sounds like an ape after my own heart, assuming you’ve trained him not to throw poo.”
“He’s still only half-trained and loves taking digs at whoever he pleases, so don’t expect to be spared. If he can’t find a solution that we both accept, I’ll allow you a chance to plead your case. If I don’t like what I hear, I’ll condemn you to Tartarus and finally eradicate the changeling race for good.”
In response to that, Chrysalis turned into Celestia. “If you eradicate my children, I’ll find allies in Tartarus. Allies who want to kill this pretty body I’m wearing. And I’ll lead them straight here to you, Celestia. Perhaps I’ll stop by Iceland and invite Bahamut, too. I think he has a few scores he’s been looking forward to settling…”
“Then perhaps I should just kill you instead.” That left them glaring at each other until the door started opening. The memory ended, so I assumed that’s when I walked in.
“Well, that’s an interesting tidbit,” I said. “I’m not really sure how relevant it is to me, though. And who did we even get this memory from? Celestia’s dead.”
“Chrysalis,” Reason said. “Or Moonbeam, I suppose. And of course this memory is relevant. It shows that Celestia actually did trust you.”
“Of course she trusted me back then. She wouldn’t have been using me if she didn’t trust me. That was never in doubt.”
“There’s trust and then there’s trust,” Pride said. “Celestia knew you could handle any task she gave you. With that in mind, she allowed you to decide what would become of Chrysalis. That’s a huge responsibility.”
“A huge responsibility that she never really told me about,” I said. “She did say that I would be one of the ones that could visit Chrysalis, but she didn’t say anything about me being the deciding factor. At least, not to me. Does it really count as a defining moment in my life if I never knew it happened?”
“It does,” Reason said. “For the simple fact that despite not knowing about your responsibility, you accomplished what she desired.”
“In record time, too,” Fear said. She reached up and poked me, placing me in front of Luna and Celestia.
“Love poison…?” Luna slowly said. “That’s ingenious! Does it actually work?”
“That remains to be seen,” Celestia said. “And yes, not only is it ingenious, but he came up with it so quickly that I can’t help but be impressed.”
“I told you from the start not to underestimate him, sister,” Luna said.
“And I never have,” Celestia quickly replied. “I have been giving him test after test so I can estimate him appropriately. So far, he has passed most with flying colors. To that end, I haven’t finished estimating him at all. But I assure you, when I am finished, I will absolutely not make the mistake of underestimating our wonderful human.”
“My wonderful human,” Luna said. “He will become my knight.”
“Perhaps. He doesn’t seem to like the idea of knighthood at all. Perhaps being my knight would put him more at ease…”
“You said he would be mine!”
“I did. But far be it from me to force him to pick the princess he’s scared of! I think he might be happier with me.”
“I highly doubt his warrior heart could ever appreciate a soft mare like you.”
“Perhaps… But he does appreciate a mare who’s never tried to slip him love poison before.” Luna’s ears fell back against her head. “So it’s actually true? You tried drugging him?”
“It’s not like it worked!”
“And if it had? What, were you just going to keep him as a lovestruck pet? You know love poison clouds the mind! He would be worthless in that state!”
“Better worthless and in my care than being used with little to no training!”
Celestia sighed and lifted a hoof to rub her temple. “I’m trying to work with you here, Luna. I really am. I didn’t immediately immolate him when it became clear this might be more than a simple crush. In fact, I even put you in a position to sleep with him. But you’re really making it hard to find excuses to allow him to keep living. Did you really think I’d let you just keep him?”
“Yes. I assumed you cared more about your sister’s happiness!”
“And you don’t see anything wrong at all with utterly subjugating Nav and turning him into your love slave?”
“Why would I? You’re proposing to do the same thing by making him my knight. Once he’s forced to follow my orders, his silly reservations will no longer matter!”
“I am not giving Nav to you so you can rape him all you want,” Celestia said. “And if I ever find out that you use your position to force yourself on him, I will immediately remove him from you. That is utterly unacceptable.”
“Then what am I even supposed to do with him? You haven’t given me any duties!”
“You are a princess, Luna. Perhaps you should take initiative. But if you are incapable of coming up with your own tasks, I would be happy to place one upon you.”
“I can think of all kinds of fun things to do with my own army. How is Mexico this time of year? I bet it’s ripe for conquering…”
“I suppose taking initiative is still beyond you. When I was forced to flee the old capital in what became the Everfree Forest, several things were left behind. One of them was the dream machine. I would like you to obtain it and reactivate it.”
“You just… left it there?”
“There were more pressing concerns and I had a feeling it would remain safe. Send Nav and some troops to get it. It’s time we see how he behaves when in command.”
“As you wish. If his idea to use love poison does pan out, what will become of Chrysalis?”
“As he was quick to point out, there are several uses for an army of shapeshifters. Perhaps it’s time to bring our dear Moonbeam back into the fold.”
“Perhaps. Be wary of using that name. I’m not sure if it still enrages her.”
“It very much does. I suggest reintroducing yourself, if you haven’t already.”
“That will be my next stop. And Nav is in the room next to hers?”
“He is. Feel free to have your fun, if he’s willing. I know I will! Just be wary of Chrysalis hearing.”
“I am, as ever, discreet.” The memory ended, bringing me back into the wedding. At this point, Chrysalis was loudly monologuing.
“So, that was mad spooksville,” I said. “Luna didn’t seem to have any regrets at all about the love poison thing.”
“And she was planning on misusing her power over you,” Fear said.
“Which is why you hoped beyond hope that you could escape their grasp,” Hope said. “Which is why you acted out as much as possible before to seem as unknightly as possible…”
“Well, that was part of why. The other part involved the multiple lust spells I was under at the time. I certainly hoped I could avoid being forced into knighthood because I knew exactly why they were doing it. With me magically oathed to Luna, I would be forced into their servitude for what I assumed would be the rest of my life.”
“A situation the two princesses seemed to enjoy, of course,” Reason said. “You’re surprised by all the cruel things Celestia did to her sister.”
“I am. She’s openly holding Luna’s love for me over her head and constantly reminding Luna how I want nothing to do with her. That’s just… mean and petty.”
“So are we going to talk about the love poison idea?” Pain asked. “Because I really think we should.”
“When I came up with the idea, I was expecting Celestia to use things like pirates, rapists, cannibals, and other trash. I wasn’t expecting her to use the changelings to dispose of troublesome political prisoners.”
“Does that really make it better?” Reason asked.
“Probably not. What other alternatives are there? To this day, I still can’t think of anything. What Discord said about integrating changelings into society as servants and other lower class workers was interesting, but cruel. I want more for Moonbeam and the changeling race. I also want more for the prisoners being used to feed them. I just… don’t know another solution. I considered the cloning pool, but I don’t know if that’s really better.”
“Whether or not there is an alternate solution has little to do with the guilt you feel,” Pain said. “It seeps out of you whenever you’re reminded of it. You always try to explain it away or rationalize it. But you know you’re just as much the cause of their fates as Celestia herself.”
“That’s bullshit. I didn’t decide who ended up as changeling food. I just came up with the idea. I offered it to Celestia and suggested that she use prisoners. She made the choice of who got to go. Innocent ponies wouldn’t have been there if it wasn’t for my suggestion, but that doesn’t mean them ending up there was my fault.”
“A fine distinction, I’m sure,” Pain sarcastically replied. “So you came up with an incredibly evil idea and gave it to someone you knew was a tyrant. Tell me, were you surprised by the outcome?”
“Yes. When Watcher told me, I was shocked. I knew Celestia was a tyrant. I knew she was evil. But through it all, I knew that all she wanted was what she thought was best for her ponies. Finding out that she willingly sacrificed innocent ponies who just made the mistake of having the wrong opinion or asking the wrong question confirmed in my mind that it was time to deal with Celestia.”
“Does your shock excuse you?” Fear asked. “What do your intentions matter when you compare them to the true results?”
“Are you going to blame the man who invented the oven for the holocaust?” I asked. “I came up with an idea. Somebody else put that idea into practice, disregarding the suggestions I gave them.”
“The oven wasn’t intended to radically alter the way human minds worked in an attempt to make them constantly exude love.”
“You’re right. The oven was intended to produce food. You know, kinda like my idea to use love poison to generate food for the changelings.”
“You’re dancing behind words,” Reason said. “We all see straight through you. Your guilt is plain as day.”
I sighed and looked over at Chrysalis, who was now wrapped up in a bubble. “What was I supposed to do? You’re right. I do feel guilt for the idea I came up with, but… What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just let the changelings die out…”
“Not everything is your responsibility to fix, you know,” Hope said.
“You’re right. But I put that responsibility on myself the moment I made the choice to stop Celestia from sending her to Tartarus. I couldn’t in good conscience allow that to happen. So I came up with a monstrous idea. A monstrous idea to solve an imminent crisis. And yet, now that I’ve had more time to come up with something better, I… haven’t. I very honestly and truthfully just don’t know what else to do.”
“When no good solution exists, does it make sense to feel guilt for picking what seems like the least awful choice?” my guide asked.
“I don’t know if it makes sense or not, but I know that I do,” I said. “I wish the feeling would leave me, but it isn’t so easy.”
“Have you tried taking pride in saving a race from extinction?” Pride asked.
“Yes. The guilt makes such pride impossible.”
“It’ll all go away if you just kill Pain,” Hope said. “Then you can feel all the pride and hope you want!”
“I would feel very lonely,” Fear said.
“You wouldn’t be feeling anything after Nav gets done with you,” Pride said. “You’re next on the chopping block after Pain!”
“I’m not here to kill anyone,” I said. “I’m here to fix all of you and get you all working together. So, I feel guilt for coming up with my idea to use prisoners for changeling food. What do I do to fix that?”
“Some things can’t be fixed,” Reason said. “This choice has been made. There might be some time you feel peace with it, but not now. There is nothing you can do, but you must stop hiding your feelings behind rationalizations and facades. If you can’t even be honest to yourself, how can you ever expect to be honest to others?”
“Because I hate myself more than I hate most others?”
“Perhaps we should move on to the next memory,” Fear said. She reached over and poked me. This time, I beheld Luna, Chrysalis, and Doppel. They were in Chrysalis’s chambers in the palace.
“Why were you antagonizing Navarone?” Luna coldly asked.
“I was doing nothing of the sort,” Chrysalis said. “That brute struck me!”
“Navarone is no brute. He is ill-mannered at times, but not on the whole violent. If he struck you, you deserved it. What did you do?”
“I became his sister, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Navarone has a sister?” Luna asked.
“...Did you not know? Odd. I assumed you two knew everything there was to know about that thing.”
“He has spoken little of his home, less of his family. Do not antagonize him again.”
“Or what, he’ll punch me again? I’ll be ready to defend myself, next time.”
“If you harm a hair on that human’s head, I’ll finally finish off the last of Discord’s chosen freaks!”
That made Chrysalis chuckle, oddly enough. “Oh, my dear sweet little Luna… I brought you into this world, crying and screaming. If you push me, I’ll make sure you leave it the same way.”
“Big words, for a bug in a cage. I could squash you with nary an effort. I believe your horn and crown would look good in my trophy room!”
“Well, it’s good to know a thousand years on the moon hasn't changed you in the slightest,” Moonie said. “You’re still as mindlessly bloodthirsty as ever.”
“You’ve grown quite thin, yourself. I trust you weren’t attempting to feed on my human, were you?”
“He offered his emotions freely. In fact, he was quite eager to feed me his oh-so delicious sorrow!”
“What?” Luna hissed.
“His emotions are very strange,” Chrysalis said. “Muted, in a way. They’re actually embedded into his memories, not felt openly on his sleeve. I’ve never seen anything like it! The taste of his sorrow was so bittersweet I almost couldn’t take it… That human is very deeply troubled. I can’t wait to taste him again!”
“Your permission to touch his mind and emotions is now revoked,” Luna said. “And if I find out you’re doing it again, I’ll kill you by hoof!”
“Celestia herself gave me permission to feed as needed,” Chrysalis said. “And Navarone has volunteered his services to me. Wouldn’t you rather I feed on him than on a pony?”
“I would rather you starve!”
“Well, it will be up to you to explain to Celestia why you murdered such a valuable asset after I fed on your precious human. As for myself, I have no intention of stopping. He is delicious and I shall feed on him as often as offered!”
“I shall arrange to have an orphan brought to you instead. You can feed off it as much as you like. I’m sure you’d prefer feeding off a helpless foal even more.”
That actually seemed to make Chrysalis angry. “Get out.”
Luna looked down at the dent in Moonie’s chest and smirked. Her horn lit up and the dent popped out. “Be wary of angering the human, Chrysalis. Given the chance, he’ll find your weak spots quickly.” When Chrysalis didn’t reply, Luna turned to leave and the memory ended.
“And so the cycle of cruelty continued,” I said. “Celestia was mean to Luna, who was in turn mean to Chrysalis. If I had to guess, I’d say Chrysalis turned around and was mean to Doppel, because Doppel was mean to me the next day.”
“Luna is not very wise,” Reason said. “She quite easily and quickly gave away how important you were to her.”
“Without even a hesitation,” I said. “Trust me, I’ve figured out exactly how unwise she is. I’m going to have to keep her on a tight leash for a while. So, aside from the fact that I was causing some pretty scary catfighting sooner than I thought, what was I supposed to take from that?”
“The situation you have placed yourself into is untenable,” Reason said. “You are surrounded on all sides by powerful women who are all constantly jockeying for position. You can see here, before you even declared any of them to be a possible partner, they are already close to fighting over you.”
“So, basically what I said a few memories ago,” I said. “Only this time with some actual evidence.”
“As another point, this shows how protective Luna is,” Pride said. “If she was like this then, I imagine she’s only worse now.”
“Again, this is something I’m well aware of. Being placed on her back every time I opened my mouth at the bunker did plenty to showcase it. I’m working on fixing her. It’s just going to take time.”
“Are you sure it’s worth it?” Pain asked. “You were able to fix Celestia immediately with Flo’s help! I’m sure Luna would be happy to allow you to use an elemental to fix her most troublesome qualities. You wouldn’t even have to kill her entire personality, just the bad pieces!”
“I’m not going to do that.”
“Why not?” Reason asked. “It would be the quickest, safest way to solve the problem. There’s no telling who Luna might hurt before you’re capable of stabilizing her. With at the very least an elemental in her head to keep her from doing anything stupid—”
“Imma stop you right there,” I said. “That sounds an awful lot like something a water elemental pushing her way into my coma would say. I’m not going to use the elementals to control Luna. I don’t care if it’s the reasonable thing to do or not, it’s the wrong thing to do. Celestia left us no choice. Luna is trying to change. I’m going to give her the chance.”
“Are you prepared for the next memory?” my guide asked.
“Do you mean that there are more scenes to see attached to the wedding, or are you asking if I’m ready to move on from the wedding to whatever’s next?”
“The first. There are a few more scenes.”
“Wow. Then yeah, bring on the next.”
Pride reached over and poked me. I got dumped in the throne room with Celestia, Cadance, Shiny, and a few redshirt guards.
“I got the location of the cave the changelings are in from Nav,” Celestia said. “I want you to ensure we have eyes on it at all times.”
“Of course, Princess,” Shiny said. “Is the queen still secure?”
“Yes. She certainly doesn’t seem very pleased with the situation.”
“Neither am I!” Cadance said. “She needs to be jailed!”
“I am going to deal with Chrysalis,” Celestia said. “And we will speak about her more later. For now, I wish to ask you both about something else.”
“I think Queen Chrysalis might be the most pressing thing to talk about at the moment,” Cadance said. “Why can’t we talk about her now? I want to know how you plan to punish her!”
“Because as nice as it would be to punish her for what she’s done, what feels nice isn’t always the same as what’s wise. We’ll let Chrysalis cool her hooves in her little bubble. We shall deal with her when we all have cooler heads and let wisdom prevail over revenge. I would like to talk about Navarone.”
“What about him?” Shiny asked.
“Particularly, his history of service to Equestria.”
“I don’t know much about it,” Cadance replied with a shrug. “Other than his brief stint as a guard. Speaking of, I’d like to lodge a formal complaint. Maybe more than one, actually.” She paused for a second or two before sighing and hanging her head. “Make it at least five…”
“What did he do to you?” Shiny asked.
“He kept her safe from Chrysalis and then helped me defeat that bug while the rest of my guards and subjects just stood around watching,” Celestia answered. “He alone judged that I was beginning to lose the duel of magic and he alone stood to support me. He alone saw straight through her disguise and was banished to the caverns along with Cadance because of it, where he kept her sane. And, even more interestingly, he won the European tournament all by himself.”
“By cheating!” Cadance yelled.
“What rule did he break?” Celestia asked. Cadance just sighed.
“...I didn’t think there were any rules,” Shiny said.
“You would be thinking correctly,” Celestia said. “And need I remind you of what he accomplished in both of his trips to Egypt?”
“Uh, yeah?” Cadance said. “I mean, you and Luna have told me a little about him, but not really much!”
“He helped lead a slave revolt on his first trip to Egypt that ended up with a pro-Equestrian coup,” Shiny said. “The second time he was there, he protected the new Equestrian ambassador from assassins and provided the new pro-Equestrian king with the information he needed to completely secure his power. To be honest, I was and am impressed by what he accomplished, but I remain heavily concerned about his attitude.”
“Oh, I can agree with that,” Cadance said. “All of my complaints were about how rude and mean he was. Oh, and how… how lewd he was…”
“What did he do to you?!” Shiny demanded, slapping a hoof on the floor.
“Nothing to me!” she quickly replied. “Sorry, I should have followed that up. It was just to others, although he never did it when it wasn’t reciprocated.”
“Behaviors can change,” Celestia said. “And I’m going to ensure that Nav begins changing his.”
“So why do you bring him up?” Cadance asked.
“Because I’m of the opinion that he should be rewarded for his efforts. Luna was considering knighthood.”
“I agree,” Shiny said. “If you can ensure his behavior will improve, I would happily recommend him for a knighthood. I wasn’t really capable of noticing anything in the fight against Chrysalis, but if he helped you defeat her, he deserves at least that much.”
“Oooh, can I make him a love knight?” Cadance asked. “I bet that would teach him a lesson!”
“As tempting as that is, I’m afraid not,” Celestia said. “He is close with Luna. I believe he will help her rebuild the Lunar Order.”
“That would be good,” Cadance said. “She needs a few friends.”
“You should try talking to her more, then,” Shiny said.
“I tried. She was not having it. That’s why I don’t eat with Aunty anymore.”
“If you did, you might know more of Nav,” Celestia said. “He’s joined us before.”
“When he becomes a knight and his behaviors improve, I might take you up on that,” Cadance said. “It’ll be nice to see Luna with something other than a scowl on her face.”
And that was the end of that particular memory. “So what would Celestia have done if they both hated the idea of making me a knight?” I asked. “Because she already had her mind made up at this point, since it was after she told me.”
“This is Celestia we’re talking about,” Pride said. “She was incapable of recognizing the possibility that someone else might have a different opinion. If someone else did somehow have another opinion, it was obviously wrong and they needed to be put in their place. So I guess if they got upset about it, she would tell them tough tiddies.”
“I guess so. It was nice hearing Shiny actually saying something pleasant about me. For a while there, he really just didn’t like me.”
“And why might that be, I wonder?” Reason said.
“Probably for the long list of reasons Cadance gave me, if I had to guess,” I said. “I wasn’t exactly fair to him all the time. So what was I supposed to take from this one?”
“Your knighthood wasn’t actually a punishment,” Reason said. “At least, not to the vast majority of ponies. They all saw it as an honor. Coming out and telling everyone how the princesses were punishing you was unwise.”
“Challenging someone’s worldview is never a bad thing,” I said, booping her on the nose. It made me feel really smart for a second or two. “Although you’re kinda right, in some ways. I knew on some level that I was being showered with rewards for a reason, but I wasn’t ready to believe I deserved anything nice. That obviously meant it had to be a punishment. With that in mind, I focused on all the negatives of everything I was given. For the most part, that was a fair assessment: Celestia clearly wanted to be able to use me and forcing me to swear an oath made that easy. That said, it was still a position of value and in some ways a great honor. I certainly don’t think I should be thankful that she tied a leash around my neck, but that doesn’t mean it was all bad.”
“Challenging someone’s worldview is usually unwise, actually,” Reason said. “Especially when they are not ready to hear it. Do you know how many so-called friends went behind your back to tell the princess what you said?”
“If you’re asking that, I’m guessing it’s more than one.”
Reason reached up and booped me. This time, it was Twilight and Celestia in Twilight’s super nerdy room in the palace. “I’m… concerned about Nav, Princess,” Twilight said.
“As am I. Some of his antics this week have been… off-putting. But don’t forget that you had a hoof in some of those antics. Nav may be willing to set what happened between you two aside, but don’t think he will readily forget.”
Twilight’s ears sank. “I… I know. But there’s something else… Something he said…”
“Oh dear,” Celestia said with a sigh. “Cadance has had quite a lot to say about his behavior as well. Trust me, I will be nipping that nonsense in the bud once he is knighted.”
“That’s the thing!” Twilight said. “That’s what he’s worried about!”
“...Oh?”
Twilight looked down for a moment before sighing. “He thinks you’re just making him a knight so he’ll be forced to obey you… I don’t understand why he can’t trust you!”
“Navarone has done many great deeds,” Celestia said. “I’m not surprised he’s worried about my intent. But you don’t need to worry, Twilight. He has decided to become Luna’s knight. He will be under no obligation to obey me, and you know how much he means to Luna.”
“Of course I wasn’t worried, Princess. I know you would never do that to anypony. But… I don’t really know what to say to Nav. He’s getting this huge honor but he’s doing his best to weasel out of it!”
Celestia smiled and used a hoof to boop Twilight. “Don’t you worry about a thing, my most studious apprentice. Nav is going to be granted this honor and there’s absolutely nothing he can do to stop it! I’ll be sure to have a talk with him about his attitude. This is a joyous occasion for him. Soon, he’ll be Luna’s most prized possession.”
“I know, but I think the idea of being owned… puts him off. He isn’t used to royalty.”
“To be honest, not much will really change for him. Most of his tasks will be the same, he’ll just have a much higher class and a few more responsibilities. I’m sure he’ll grow into the role in time.”
“And we’ll all do our best to help him in Ponyville,” Twilight said with a proud nod. “Be sure to set him straight, Princess! Most guards would love a chance to be knighted!”
“Oh, don’t worry, I will…” The extremely pleasant tone she used sent shivers down my spine. Thankfully, that was the end of the memory.
“So, Twiggles was a fucking traitor,” I said. “What a complete and total shocker.”
“This is, as you suspected, a trend,” Reason said. “And it happens basically every time you get more accolades from the princess and called them for what they were.”
“And yet Celestia never said anything to me about it,” I said. “At least, not really.”
“It was true and she knew the only way to make you stop saying it was to force you to stop,” Hope said. “Look how Twilight eats that nonsense from Celestia’s hoof. She knew nobody would believe you. There was no harm in letting it continue and allowing you to think you had a free voice.”
“Hearing that in my sweet little filly’s voice stung a lot more than I thought it would, but you’re right. The only people who would believe me were either powerless to stop it or complicit.”
“You were completely alone and completely helpless,” Fear said. “Even if anybody cared enough to help you, who would have dared stand up to Celestia?”
“I was terrified,” I said. “Completely and totally terrified. To be honest, it felt like the only one who could really understand me at the time was Chrysalis. All I knew about her at the time is that she tried to take over Equestria, so that felt pretty weird.”
“The only one?” my guide asked. “Not your own filly?”
“No, I didn’t feel like she could understand. More to the point, I didn’t think it was her burden to bear. I wanted to keep her sheltered from Celestia and what I was going through. That ended up not being possible, but I was trying.”
“Is that really why?” Pain asked.
“I mean, I hope so. Do you guys have a memory that contradicts it? Because to be honest, I really don’t remember that well.”
“You never even considered telling her,” Pride said.
“Oh. Is that because I wanted to keep her sheltered from Celestia?”
“It just never came to mind as something possibly even worth considering,” Reason said.
“...Well, that certainly makes it sound bad. I was not a good parent. I want to get better. What should I have really told Taya here?”
“Nothing,” Reason said. “She couldn’t have understood and it wasn’t her burden to bear. It was your responsibility to keep her sheltered from Celestia and what you were going through.”
“Then what’s the problem? I didn’t tell her anything!”
“I’d say the problem is that you just didn’t even consider it,” Pain said. “At no point did you ever consider possibly telling your daughter the truth. You never considered doing a lot of things with her.”
“Is that what I sound like when I say things like that to people?” I asked.
“No, your voice is too droning,” Reason said. “Kat’s voice is suited for sadism. It’s obvious she takes pleasure in hurting you. The pain you cause is usually deeper and more subtle.”
Oh. “So once again, I’m a shitty parent. I didn’t and probably still don’t think about Taya enough. Do we have any more plot points to expose here or are we done with the wedding?”
“We have one more,” Fear said. She reached over and caressed my cheek.
Once again, it was Luna and Celestia. This time we were in Celestia’s room and Luna looked pissed. “You put a lust spell over him!” Luna screamed.
“Over who, exactly?” Celestia calmly asked.
“Don’t you dare! He is mine!”
“So I assume this he you refer to is Navarone, then?”
“Don’t you even try to play this game with me, Celestia. I know exactly what you did and I know you weren’t the only one!”
“He wasn’t yours when I put that spell on him. Our little human was just another one of our shared subjects. I didn’t see any reason not to make use of him during my heat. And believe me, he did not disappoint! I’ll definitely be borrowing him a few times.”
“You will do nothing of the sort!” Luna shouted, slapping a hoof on the floor. “You will stay away from my human!”
“Oh? And what do you think he would say about that?” Celestia asked with a small grin. “He isn’t happy with you, Luna. You are, after all, the one who just took away his freedom! I’m sure he could use a reassuring voice telling him that everything is going to be okay…”
“The reassuring voice of his one true princess of the night will be enough. You will not take another love away from me!”
“I’ve never taken anyone away from you, Luna,” Celestia said. “You always drive them off and they have to come to me for protection. The sooner you accept that this always ends in pain for everybody, the sooner you can stop this nonsense!”
“You always turn them against me! You always—”
“I always try to help those that you hurt, Luna. You’ve already used a wild animal to attack Nav and you tried to use love poison on him. There’s no way I could possibly leave him solely in your hooves. You would destroy that poor human in a heartbeat.”
“As if you’re so innocent. You sent him to Egypt under threat of imprisonment! Twice!”
“I was furthering Equestria’s interests by investing in talent. You were trying to satisfy your lust for that half-ape predator. It was the same with that dragon of yours!”
“Reginald served Equestria well!”
“And almost led us straight into a war. I’ll be keeping a very close eye on you and Nav, Luna. And my talks with him will continue.” Luna looked even more pissed and finally just teleported out. That ended the memory.
“So how much of that was true and how much of it was Celestia trying to justify her actions?” I asked.
“I would say that the external pressure from Celestia is usually what makes Luna rush and make mistakes that drive her suitors away,” Reason said. “It seems obvious that at some point, Luna realized she was competing with her sister and wanted to make sure your attentions stayed on her.”
“And if I was willing to help Celestia with her heat, that meant I had to be willing to help Luna with hers. God, don’t tell me that’s what’s next.”
“It’s not next,” my guide said. “But it is on the itinerary.”
Super. “So what’s my takeaway from this one? I already knew Celestia was a bitch and that Luna has a bad track record with lovers.”
“You actually don’t know much about Luna’s past life,” Reason said. “She could have had any number of lovers before you. Chrysalis said Luna had a reputation, but you never learned any actual details.”
“I… haven’t, actually. Luna mentioned that she had been married before, but all for political reasons. She did not, however, mention any past lovers. I think Celestia did mention that Luna was really bad at dealing with suitors, but it’s been a while. It’s entirely possible Chrysalis and Celestia both knew what was coming.”
“Given what you just heard, I’d say Celestia absolutely knew,” Fear said. “It sounded like she recognized it was only a matter of time.”
“Obviously you know how psychotic Luna is now,” Hope said. “How would things have changed if you appeared in Equestria with your knowledge?”
“I would have played Twilight just long enough to obtain some bits, then I’d go straight to Gryphus and find a way to speak to the king. I would introduce myself, explain who I was and what I knew, and ask for a chance to prove my worth. Absolutely fuck the ponies.”
“That is an unwise answer,” Reason said. “Celestia may be evil, but remember how much of what happened to you was caused by your status as a human. You’ve seen how bad Kat has gotten around you. Imagine a crowd of griffins.”
“I think griffin suitors would be more fun than magical suitors who can force me to take an oath that requires me to obey their every order. These ponies are fucking psycho. Celestia and Luna turned themselves into gods and made heresy a mortal sin. And ever since I got here, they have been working together to use me. I think I’d happily take a lovey-dovey catbird waifu in place of all that pain and horror.”
“Gotta make sure to seduce Princess Gilda quickly, though,” Pride said.
“Nah, she’s a lesbo. I doubt I’d end up with a title, anyway. I’d be happy to settle with a super kinky commoner. Anyway, enough about pleasant could-have-beens. Let’s continue unfucking the actually-happeneds. What’s next?”
“The final take-away from the last scene is simple,” Pain said. “You need to learn more about the personal past of Luna.”
“Not just Luna,” Reason said. “All of your followers and friends. Many of them have dark secrets, as you’ve most definitely seen. You need to learn more about their past behaviors so you can plan accordingly how to properly deal with them.”
“Man, I don’t wanna deal with that,” I sighed. “I mean, actually talking to people? Ugh.”
“The quickest way to do it would be to use the water elementals,” Reason said. “At this point, several of your companions have been hosts. It’s possible the waters could just give you their memories.”
“I’m not doing that. Talking will be better. I just really don’t wanna.”
“I hope you’ll get over it,” my fake filly said.
“Trust me, I’ve learned full well that life is suffering. I’ll do it, even if I don’t want to. So, any closing statements on the wedding?”
“This is when your descent into depravity truly began,” Pride said. “Discovering that lust spells were placed on you destroyed your trust and self-worth. Being drugged and raped only hastened the process.”
“And Celestia acted like it was her right,” I said. “Her right to subvert my will and mind. And they both so casually and smugly called me property. It’s no wonder I fell so hard.”
“They both proudly destroyed as much of you as they could,” Hope said. “It’s not surprising I went to sleep for so long after this…”
“At some points, it felt like I was just living in a haze,” I said. “Like I was on autopilot. Just… lost.”
“That can happen when one loses all sense of control,” Pride said. “They stole your autonomy.”
“Yep. Well, on that depressing note, I guess it’s time to move on to the next one.”
The guide’s eyes lit up and we teleported out. This time, we appeared in Twilight’s treebrary. I was downstairs and completely filthy, so it was probably after I got back from the forest. Spike, Taya, and Twilight were also with me. It didn’t take me much longer to spot the cursed artifacts. The treebrary had a lot more vines and flowers than usual, so much so that they were curling around Twilight and Spike.
“This was right after I found those things,” I said.
“It was,” my guide said. “I believe seeing this might be enough for you to understand the take-away. Would you like to take a guess?”
“Don’t trust cursed artifacts.”
“Bingo,” Pride said. I turned around and he was the only one there. “Surprised?”
“Yes, actually. I figured Twilight would be here to butt her nose in on everything. So I got artifacts that Celestia and Luna both told me upfront were cursed and I never once hesitated to use any of them… until it was too late.”
“You were too proud of your newfound magic resistance,” Pride said. “That is what drove you to use them so irresponsibly.”
“Yeah, that’s true. It’s easy to accept the idea of receiving an abstract curse when faced with the very real threat of magic. The ring saved my life a few times. I’m never going to use it again, but I’d say it served its purpose.”
“And the key was useful. You’ll never admit it, but you’re happy Kat got the curse instead of you.”
“Fuck yes I’ll admit it,” I said. “At least, I’ll admit it in here. I wish it had never happened to anybody, but if it had to happen to someone, Kat is the one I’m happy can no longer put her paws on me. She has a lot of karma coming and this was only a small drop in the bucket.”
“You should tell Kat,” Pride said.
“That’s literally retarded.”
“You already called her crazy and completely and utterly tore her down in front of everyone else,” he replied. “Why not make the destruction of her self-esteem complete?”
“Because I shouldn’t have said it in the first place. Kat’s mind is broken. I don’t need to make it worse by provoking her. I already apologized, but I might do it again. So, do we have any memories associated with this one?”
“We do,” Pride said. He reached out and booped me.
It was another Celestia and Luna memory. They were at breakfast this time and Celestia looked irate. “What do you mean, you gave him the items?!” she demanded.
“It’s very self-explanatory, sister,” Luna smugly replied. “I returned the magical items to my knight. I believe they will increase his potency.”
“You and I both know they’re cursed! He found them in the same place we found the Elements of Harmony!”
“And the same place I found that mirror,” Luna sighed. “Trust me sister, I know full well.”
“Then why would you do this?”
“Several reasons. For one, this is a test.”
“A test. You’re putting Nav’s life at risk for a test.”
“I recall you telling me that Egypt was a test.”
“So what exactly are you testing, then?”
For some reason, Luna grinned. “His intelligence! He knows the items are cursed. Let’s see how often he uses them despite that. If he’s dumb enough to use them so much that he gets cursed, then he deserves it! And if he’s smart enough to use them in such a way that he avoids curses, he deserves to have the relics.”
“So you give him a ring that completely and utterly blocks magic.”
“Indeed. I’d be quite interested in seeing what the curse for that would be…”
“What if he goes rogue?”
“Then I’ll kill him with a sword. Simple.”
Celestia actually stared at her sister for a few long seconds before clearing her throat. “How, exactly, will you do that?”
“Magic, obviously.”
“The ring blocks magic.”
“Correct. It doesn’t block swords.”
“And if the sword is controlled by magic?”
“Then I throw it. Now that I think about it, a spear would be better. So I’ll use a spear. If I throw it at him using magic, it’ll impact him with all the momentum the magic gave it without actually being thrust into him with magic.”
“...That actually makes me feel much better. That is a point I hadn’t considered.”
“Although now that I really think about it, I might use a club instead. Then I’ll take the ring off and finally make him mine.”
“No, you’ll make him ours. So what will you do if he goes rogue outside of your immediate vicinity?”
“Hunt him down like an animal. Navarone is extremely noticeable. There aren’t too many bipeds out there. If we seal the ports and shut down the rail lines, he would be relatively easy to find.”
“If you’re extremely lucky. And what of the key? He could use it to access all manner of interesting things.”
“While leaving a trail of evidence so wide there would be no doubt who was at fault. Things opened by the key cannot be locked again. If he uses it to steal anything, determining guilt will be easy.”
“And I see no downside in allowing him to become female. If the friendship reports Rarity sends are accurate, those stones will finally allow our dear sweet Navi to feel peace…”
“Are you talking about the mare who enjoys dressing little colts up as fillies?”
Celestia shrugged. “I honestly don’t remember. It’s hard for me to pretend to care. Keep an eye on your knight, Luna. You’ve given him several powerful tools. We’ll have to make sure he behaves.”
“Don’t you worry, dearest sister. I’m keeping a very close eye on my human. You know, I think it might be time to bring him to live here in Canterlot instead of that musty old library with that student of yours.”
“I don’t think my student would appreciate that. She quite enjoys her human friend. He does wonders to keep her calm.”
“It’s hard to notice.”
“That’s because you barely knew her before Nav started assisting with her heat.” Luna’s ears twitched. “Believe me, he’s doing wonders for that poor mare.”
“Yes, I most definitely believe it’s time to move my knight here. He needs to start working more with my troops!”
“And more with your innards, I imagine. If Nav lived closer, your head would constantly either be in the stars or between his legs. Twilight will continue taking care of him for now.”
“He is my knight, not yours!”
“And what do you think Nav wants, hm?” Celestia asked. “He seems happy in Ponyville and he definitely seems to hate Canterlot. More to the point, I imagine he’s still afraid of you and upset you enslaved him.”
“Good thing what he wants doesn’t matter. I am his princess! My word is law! I’ll move him straight to my bedchambers if he attempts to fight me!”
“Oh, yes. Please, tell me how that worked out for you last time.”
“I did a good thing for mares everywhere!”
Celestia facehooved. “Luna, being the cause of restraining orders isn’t something to brag about! That poor stallion was traumatized!”
“And Nav is tougher!”
The big mare looked back up. “I’m starting to have my doubts. I do believe Nav is mentally stronger than the average pony, but he is absolutely not what we thought he was when we first decided to use him. If I had known at the time what his strengths were, I never would have sent him to Egypt. He is not a warrior, he is a strategist. And as a strategist, the less traumatized he is, the more useful he will be. So he is absolutely not moving to your bedchambers. He’ll be staying right there in Ponyville until his manners improve and he heals some of the mental damage incurred so far in our service. I don’t want you causing any more to him!”
“I see absolutely no way living in my bedchambers could have anything but positive effects on my handsome toy. He’d get plenty of exercise, all the food he could ever want, and if he really behaved, I might let him out of his cage to go for walks!”
“You know what, I think I’m full,” Celestia said, pushing her plate away. “And we’re done talking about this. Nav is staying right where he is, end of story.” Or end of memory, as it so happened.
“Welp, that was fucked up,” I said. “But I honestly expected nothing less.”
“How’s it feel to have two princesses fighting over your cock?” Pride asked.
“Scary, actually. If it was two human princesses, it might not be as bad. But these princesses have a fuckton of magic and aren’t afraid to use it to get their way.”
“Did you ever consider that maybe sleeping with both of them at the same time wasn’t wise?” Pride asked.
“I can’t believe you’re asking me that. Shouldn’t you be encouraging me to fuck bitches?”
“Not when it might lead to death. There’s doing something worthy of pride and then there’s doing something dumb.”
“Well, to answer your question, yes. And to answer your followup question of why I chose to do it anyway, fear. My fear of the possible consequences of sleeping with both of them was trumped by my fear of turning either of them down. I’d say that fear was well warranted, given the ease with which Celestia justified raping me in the last memory and how often Luna talks about doing horrible things to me.”
“That makes sense. And did you feel so pressured into dicking down Chrysalis? Or Princess Gilda?”
“The first time I fucked Chrysalis was part morbid curiosity, part resignation, and part lust spell. The first time I fucked Gilda was solely for my pride. I wanted to deflower a princess and she was all too willing to let me. I do feel bad about breaking my promise to her father, though. Still, I don’t think he would begrudge me the results. She’s considerably less bitchy now.”
“I wonder… was that your decision?” Pride asked. “Aqua told you she made two choices for you. She didn’t make the choice to sleep with Gilda, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t influence you. Putting another ruler under her thumb would be quite nice.”
“Well, I guess we can look at it when we get there. And if we don’t end up seeing it, I’ll just force her to tell me. For now, I think I got what I needed from here, though it’s a lesson I already learned.”
“Then let’s move on,” my guide said.
The next memory didn’t pull any punches: It put me directly in front of a wall of flame. After I had a second to catch my bearings, I realized we were at the diamond dog mine near Ponyville. This was during the fiery genocide.
“Well, can’t say I’m surprised to end up here,” I said. “I wanted to do things peacefully, but that wasn’t an option fate presented me.”
“Not all dark choices can be circumvented,” Reason said from behind me.
“And they should never be celebrated,” Pain said. “Chrysalis enjoyed herself. You did not.”
“You found yourself feeling angry at the dogs,” Rage said. Wow, been a while since he showed his face. “Why did they force you to make this choice? Why did they refuse peace?”
That seemed to be all of them, so I turned around. “Are we gonna get answers to any of those questions?” I asked.
“You already know the answer,” Reason said. “Stubbornness and violence were in their nature. Such was their lot as half-fae.”
“Not to mention their lot as criminals,” Rage said. “Why you feel any guilt over them is beyond me. So they were nice to you. They enslaved ponies and changelings without even a qualm and they wanted you to bring them a detongued Rarity!”
“Let’s be honest, we’ve all wanted to detongue Rarity at some point or another,” I said. “I can’t fault them for that.”
“Most wouldn’t offer three bags of gems for it,” Reason said.
“I dunno, you might be surprised. Yes, they were dickbags. I can’t deny that. No, I probably shouldn’t feel guilt for killing them all. And yet…”
“And yet that troublesome conscience of yours bothers you, even now,” Pain said. “What is it this time, hm?”
I turned back to look at the flames coming down from the skies. The look of pure joy on Chrysalis’s face unnerved me. “This tactic is efficient. It’s incredibly effective. It worked like a complete charm and we didn’t lose a single person.”
“Truly an ideal tactic, then,” Reason said.
“It’s completely dishonorable,” Rage said.
“For the longest time, I never thought that should bother me,” I said. “For the longest time, honor seemed like weakness. Yet now that I find myself actually liking fighting, it feels… I dunno. I’d rather fight them man to dog than burn them to death like this. It feels more honest.”
“What use is honesty in battle?” Reason asked. “The only way to win is to deceive and confuse your opponent. Strike with overwhelming force in order to win with as few casualties as possible.”
“Intellectually, I completely understand that,” I said. “This genocide was a complete tactical victory. We freed all the prisoners, captured a few of their peeps, and utterly slaughtered almost all the rest with no casualties.”
“There is no joy in genocide,” Rage said. “There is only time and numbers. All you had to do was sit back and wait.”
“Sit back and wait as an entire community was destroyed,” I said. “An illegal community of criminals and scumbags. So I will say this: They had it coming. I don’t regret killing them. I just regret how we killed them. This is no way to die.”
“There is only one way to die,” Reason said. “And that is to cease living. And I would say they have all most definitely ceased living. Why would you choose to give in to honor now? You’ve built quite the career on doing what’s smart, not what’s honorable.”
“I’ve built a career on doing what’s expedient, not necessarily what’s smart. I see a problem, think of a quick and easy solution, and then try to use that solution to brute force my way through. Usually it works. In this particular case, I’d say it was effective. But it left a stain on my soul. It was the same with the love poison idea. And with the naga. Could there have been better solutions if I had taken time to think things through? Maybe I could have bargained with the invading naga. Maybe I could have found a way to abuse Cadance’s magic to feed the changelings. And maybe I could have intimidated the dogs into leaving by warning them exactly what would happen, when, and that there was nothing they could do to stop it. They might have tried fighting it out, but they might have seen the futility and given it up.”
“A dead criminal is a lot better than an angry criminal,” Reason said. “Let’s say you convinced them to leave. What would stop them from attacking Ponyville? Sure, you and Twilight would be able to stop them, but not before they did a lot of damage.”
“Why waste honor on the honorless?” Pain asked. “These criminals got what they deserved. That doesn’t mean there won’t be situations in the future where you can avoid wholesale slaughter. Some people have it coming. Some don’t. You’ll need to take the time to decide which is which.”
“Something must be wrong, because you’re making sense and not sounding completely batshit,” I said.
“Experience and wisdom come from pain, for those with the capability of learning from that pain,” my guide said. “You have been through much. This coma is your attempt to compress it all and distill it into something worthwhile.”
“Honor for those who deserve it, death for those who don’t… I guess I’ll need to work on defining what deserving it means.”
“Are you ready for the memory?” Pain asked.
“...Please tell me it’s not the dogs getting killed.”
“It’s not,” Reason said. Pain reached in and placed her paw against my neck.
This time, we were in the throne room. Celestia, Luna, two guards, and Celestia’s assistant were all there. Luna looked confused and Celestia looked pleased with herself.
“I’m sorry… what now?” Luna slowly said.
“Surely you heard me, sister,” Celestia said. “Chrysalis has borne children for your knight. Isn’t that exciting? Nav’s a daddy!”
One of Luna’s eyes twitched. After a few seconds, her horn lit up bright red and she grabbed a vase to throw at Celestia. “THAT HARLOT QUEEN!” The vase deflected off a magical shield and shattered against a wall. Celestia’s assistant sighed and wrote something in her notebook.
“Why, what ever is the matter?” Celestia asked.
The next vase Luna grabbed was full of flowers. It soared straight at Celestia. “I’LL BUCKING KILL THAT WRETCH!” That vase also shattered, making the assistant groan and make a few more marks.
Celestia floated the flowers from the destroyed vase over to Luna. “Maybe a snack would calm you down. You aren’t yourself when you’re hungry, Woona!”
There weren’t any more vases, so Luna grabbed both the pedestals the vases had been sitting on and threw them next. “AND WHEN I’M DONE WITH THE QUEEN, I’LL HUNT DOWN THOSE ORPHANS AND SEND THEM TO MEET MOMMY!” That one actually made the guards look at each other, sharing a very concerned glance. It wasn’t warranted, because the pedestals also shattered against the shield. The assistant just threw her notebook down in disgust.
“You know, I think somepony might be jealous!” Celestia said with a giggle.
Luna’s rage instantly disappeared. “I think I’ll pay Navarone a visit tonight. We’re due for quite a long talk.”
“Oh? About what, sister?”
“About loyalty. About trust. About how he will behave moving forward. And about how he can begin properly… serving his princess.”
“Hm. I’m afraid I have some bad news. You see, I have a task for you tonight.”
“I will be otherwise engaged.”
“Your big sister dearly needs your assistance, Woona. You don’t want to let me down, do you?”
Luna definitely didn’t look pleased. “What do you demand of me?” she growled.
“We have an important visitor coming by. I would like you to entertain her tonight. Perhaps show her around Canterlot. Really make her feel welcome. I just know you two will be a good fit for each other!”
“Very well, then. What is the name of this mare?”
“Queen Chrysalis!” Celestia replied with a shit-eating grin.
Luna shrieked and ripped out chunks of brick to fling them at Celestia. The guards and the assistant finally jumped behind the throne and that’s when the memory ended.
“Alright, that was a complete bitch move, but it was also fuckin’ ten outta ten trolling,” I said. “Celestia would have loved the internet. She could have gotten rid of so much stress.”
“Celestia on Twitter?” my guide said. “Truly horrifying. She’d threaten to build a wall around the moon and make Luna pay for it.”
“So, is my takeaway from this one that I could never trust Celestia?” I asked. “Because I’m pretty sure I told her this in confidence after specifically asking her not to tell Luna about it.”
“If you hadn’t already learned that by now, I question if you’ve really been paying attention,” Reason said.
“Which is why I’m surprised I’m being shown a memory that reiterates it.”
“It’s a recurring theme,” Rage said. “Which is something that should piss you off.”
“It would if Celestia wasn’t already dead. No use getting pissy over something I already got revenge for. So, is the takeaway that Luna is horrifyingly insane?”
“Again, something you already know,” Reason said.
“Then what is it?” I asked. “Or is this one of those that I’m just supposed to figure out?”
“It’s simple,” Pain said. “There were three witnesses to this event. None of them said a word. Not only could you not trust the princess, you couldn’t trust any of the ponies. Celestia was more important to them than any half-ape.”
“That loyalty had to be earned,” I said. “Although Celestia did her best to make it easy on me by being as much of a monster as she could. But you’re right, there was nobody I could trust. Twilight, the pony I’ve known the longest, sold me out in a heartbeat in every letter and conversation. Taya, my sweet little filly, signed herself over to Discord and helped the ponies torture me occasionally. Pinkie and Rarity raped me. By this point, Dash and Fluttershy had read my journals, so they were both super wary of me. Applejack still completely distrusted me. Ponyville was finally starting to warm up to me in general, but I knew it would only take a single incident for everything to revert. And then there was Appleloosa.”
“It’s astounding how lonely it made you feel,” Pain quietly said.
“How is that astounding? The only person I could kinda sorta maybe trust was an immature dragon I could barely talk to. And maybe Pinkie, depending on how sane she felt that day. That’s incredibly isolating.”
“And led to issues that persist to this day,” Reason said. “Like your paranoia about everyone plotting around you.”
“Well, when everyone spends the first few years stabbing you in the back, face, and everywhere else they can fit a dagger, you pick up a few trust issues. And to be honest, I haven’t really found anything in these memories yet that make me more inclined to trust any of the psychos around me. If anything, I just want to nix them all and pay some muscle instead.”
“We aren’t done yet,” my guide said. “Your past is dark, but it gets brighter.”
“Depending on which metric you use, I guess. I get more allies and more people start working for me, but there’s also the first haunted bunker to go through.”
“Well, that will be later. Are you prepared to move on now?”
I took another look around me. It didn’t take long to find myself on the sidelines. The horrified look on my face told me everything I needed to know. “These guys were scumbags. This is a shitty way to die, but they caused untold suffering. I don’t know if that balances out and I never will. All I can do is strive to never pull the trigger like this on somebody who doesn’t deserve it.”
My guide’s eyes flashed and we finally moved on to the next slice of life.