Dear Twilight Sparkle, My Most Faithful Student,
I would like to invite you to the very first annual Hearts and Hooves Day Gala. It will be taking place the evening of Hearts and Hooves Day, which is in exactly ten days. I would be very honored if you decide to come, and I want you to bring all five of of your friends and Spike. However, this is a "couples" Gala, meaning that all six of you are expected to bring some sort of romantic companion, or else you won't be allowed to participate. I look forward to seeing you there!
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Bringer of the Day
Co-Ruler of Equestria
P.S. It's a potluck dinner- feel free to bring something.
"Twilight? Twilight?" A blurry purple and green figure slowly came into focus as Twilight blinked her eyes. "You okay, Twilight?"
Twilight slowly got back on her hooves. "Please tell me that I imagined that letter."
Puzzled, Spike grabbed the parchment. "This letter?"
"Dang it!" Twilight shouted. "I wasn't imagining it!"
"What's so bad about going to a Gala? It doesn't sound as bad as the last one we went to," Spike said, reading through the letter.
"Are you kidding? I have to bring a 'romantic companion'!"
"A what now?" Spike asked.
"A DATE!" Twilight shouted, pacing around the room. "I have to bring a DATE! I can't believe this! This can't be happening? I just proved I don't need love! And now it turns out I do need love! Why doesn't the universe listen to me?"
Clearly, Twilight does not understand irony.
"Hey, what does she mean, 'And Spike'?"
"I suppose you're all wondering why I've gathered you here today," Twilight began, looking out at her friends.
"Well, yeah," said Rainbow Dash. "You've been pacing around shouting 'I can't believe this!' for thee past five minutes."
"We've all been invited to a gala!"
"Oh, really! That's marvelous!" said Rarity. "I shall have to make us all new dresses!"
"Nononono! I haven't finished!" exclaimed Twilight. "We have to bring . . . dates!"
The ponies stared at Twilight.
"Is this why y'all were askin' us all them questions earlier?" Applejack asked, peering at Twilight skeptically.
"No! That's the thing! I do all this research, and I conclude that love is irrelevant, and then we have to find dates! It's the worst coincidence ever!"
To repeat, Twilight, despite all of her book learning, does not understand the concept of "irony".
"And if we don't bring dates, we can't go! But we can't not go, because we've been invited by Princess Celestia herself! You can't turn down an invitation from her! It's an impossible dilemma!" Twilight cried, making random gestures with her hooves.
"So . . . all of us have ta get dates?" asked Applejack.
"It's a Hearts and Hooves Day Gala! We only have ten days!" shouted Twilight.
"Pshh!" snorted Rainbow Dash. "Ten days! That's super easy. The Dash is a total stallion magnet. Chick magnet too. Why, I could have somepony asking me out in Ten-"
"Seconds Flat?" finished Rarity sarcastically. "Honestly, Rainbow Dash, you couldn't be less ladylike if you were a stallion! Finding the perfect date is a delicate process. It must be done with care and finesse. I wouldn't expect the rest of you to understand, of course . . ."
"And what makes you so special?" ask Applejack. "A frou-frou dress and false eyelashes?"
"I thought you swore never to discuss that!" shouted Rarity, turning towards Applejack and snarling. Fluttershy slowly crept away.
"Yeah!" shouted Rainbow Dash, making Apllejack turn and glare at her, growling, "That don't mean ah approve of yer opinion of romance either!"
The three all glared at each other. Fluttershy hid underneath a book. It didn't hide her very well.
"Oh boy! It's a potluck!" shouted Pinkie Pie, ignoring the commotion. "This is gonna be great! I'm gonna make two cakes- no, three cakes! No, three cakes and some cookies!"
Twilight sank under the table next to Spike. "See! I told you! Romance causes too many problems! Why do I have to deal with it right after I've just elimated the need for it?"
Irony [n] - A sharp incongruity between what is said and what actually happens. Ex: Deciding that love is useless, only to be forced to find a date.
It was chaos; Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash were nearly coming to blows; Fluttershy was on the verge of hyperventilating, and Pinkie Pie was randomly bouncing around the room, blabbing eagerly about food.
"PONIES!" came a loud voice. Shocked, Twilight looked around; it certainly hadn't been any of the girls talking. It took her a few moments to realize that Spike had actually been the one who spoken up; he was striding out into the center of the room. The girls were all staring at him rather perplexedly.
"You all just need to chillax!" he said, spreading his arms. "There's nothing worth fighting about here; we're all friends, right?"
"Spike-wikey's right," said Rarity, lowering her front legs, "We have more important things to worry about."
"You're right!" exclaimed Pinkie Pie. "I'd better start baking now!"
Applejack sighed. "Shucks. We shouldn't be fightin'. 'T'aint right."
Twilight got unsteadily to her feet. "Well, I guess I'll you guys around?" she asked uncertainly.
The five ponies bade their farewells and filed out the door. Spike, closing his eyes and leaning coolly against a bookshelf continued, "And Rarity, maybe we could be a bit more than friends? I mean, you're gonna need a date, right?"
Then he opened his eyes and realized there was nopony there.
Twilight trotted over to the window and stared outside. There were hundreds of ponies in Ponyville. Surely, one of them would be willing to go to the Gala with Twilight. Surely.
Well, probably.