Dear Princess Celestia,
Well my friends took a little trip recently to some town in the middle of fucking nowhere, Hope Hollow I think was its name. Anyway it was so bad it even makes dumps like Appaloosa and Dodge Junction look not so bad. Here is what happened, well we decided to take a trip and this rainbow thing wound up tearing our balloon apart and we crashed. Seriously, a rainbow just suspended in the air and is made out of some sort of solid material? What the fuck is up with that? When we crash landed I immediately knew that this place was going to be trouble.
Don't even get me started on what they consider a luxury hotel, well more of a crappy outdated inn that even Sheriff Silverstar would have condemned. Yeah Flutters was wanting to get a spider in bed but there was nothing new there, right? Ok, back to the inn. This place was classified as royal but it only had one room and the beds in there were shit, pure shit so we all wound up having to sleep on the floor. Luxurious my lavender flank, it was a pure dump.
Now for the town, the whole damn place was fucking gray. The ponies were gray, the buildings were gray and the plants were gray. Get this, they claimed something about a butterfly festival but their sorry ass excuse for it was pictures of the damn things. Hell I'm surprised they didn't just have pictures of Fluttershy's ass. Even stranger, they seemed to know something about us which I find rather unnerving. How a bunch of idiots that live in the middle of nowhere could know about us is beyond me but I'm thinking it is time we all get restraining orders against these stalkers.
Ok, I learned about how they used to make their rainbows from their idiot mayor. They actually used some sort of mechanical device to create their rainbow to keep the color around. Now that is fucked up, they had to use a device of some sort to not only create the rainbows but also to keep the color of this place going. Here I thought it was ass backwards to have pegasi making rainbows but this is actually dumber.
Now as it turns out, they truly are mental defects. They all seemed to think that Crash's shit didn't stink and a couple young pegasi wanted to get her in bed, especially once Crashie started calling them future wonderbolts. Now not only are we going to have to keep an eye on this whole town but also Crash. She really shouldn't be encouraging minors to want to eat her, especially ones who look up to her so much.
In the end we discovered it wasn't the broken machine that took the color of that damn place away, it was the hopelessness of those ponies realizing that they will never be as awesome as me. Once we got them to realize that being inferiors is ok, everything got its color back but then something completely gross happened.
Get this, their mayor Sunny Skies and this local mare, Petunia Petals, apparently had crushes one one another and not long before we bolted from that dump their mayor asked this mare to marry him in some sappy ass speech. Ugh, what the hell is wrong with Petunia, accepting a marriage proposal from a stallion? Now yeah, our personalities clash but she should have been begging to come home with me and be a friend with benefits but oh well, it is her loss. I do have some advice though, don't let them get a marriage license. That way maybe I can add Petunia into my circle of "friends" someday.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight,
Here we fucking go again! I thought that you had got past that non-stop bitching phase but apparently I was wrong. I do have some advice for you though, don't go gallivanting all over Equestria just because Crash got an invitation to some dumb event that is beneath you. Now regarding everything that happened, I think it serves you right for just abandoning all your responsibilities at the school AND neglecting the favors you owe your friends up here. Colgate is very pissed and I will say this, I would not want to be you next time you go to see your old friends.
Regarding that town, it sounds rather fucked up. I have never heard of it but then again I haven't heard of a lot of the shitty little towns out in the middle of nowhere. I've just heard of Appaloosa and Dodge Junction because you have bitched to me about them and of course Sire's Hollow since that is where my favorite is from.
So the reason they lost all their color is because they were hopeless in the fact that they would never be as good as you? Don't make me laugh Twily, that can't be it. Now if they were depressed that they would never even come close to being a tenth as good as Starlight, I could understand it but I doubt anypony is going to have to worry about being worse than you.
Now I am very displeased to hear that a mare there, one you want, accepted a marriage proposal from a stallion. Now don't worry Twilight, despite you only being my second favorite, I can see to it that you get Petunia as a friend in the end. You see, I am in charge of handing out marriage licenses and all I'd have to do is refuse to give them one, which I plan on doing, and I can make it easy for Petunia to become your slave, I mean friend.
Now I do think you should hurry up and get your flank home because Neighsay has put a temporary schoolmaster in place at your school and the longer you are gone, the less likely the students will be to welcome you back.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Princess Twilight,
So you just ran off and left your school unattended again? To make matters worse, your guidance counselor and her marefriend ran off to Las Pegasus so I had to hire this draconeqqus to run the school and he made a copy of himself to be the guidance counselor. The students seem to really like him so good luck winning them back when you return.
Upset You Ran Off,
Chancellor Neighsay
Chancellor Neighsay,
You what? You decided to put Discord in charge after all the shit he pulled when I put Starlight in charge. Was it your plan to turn my school upside down and cause enough problems to cause all the students to leave? I thought we were past you wanting to shut me down but apparently not. Well when I get back those students will adhere to the Twilight Sparkle Education Association Doctrine which means no chaos, no anti-gravity fields, no chocolate rain and no narcissistic professors!
Ready to Take My School Back,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Princess Celestia,
I am Mayor Sunny Skies of Hope Hollow and I recently asked a very special mare, Petunia Petals, to marry me and she said yes. Twilight said something about you being the one to hand out marriage licenses and I am contacting you about obtaining one. I know you are a benevolent and loving princess and I do hope you will allow us to get married. We love one another so very much and we would be completely lost if we can't be joined together by marriage.
Hoping You Will Let Us Get Married,
Mayor Sunny Skies of Hope Hollow
Dear Skunni Slies or whatever your name is,
No. I am sorry but I can't let you and Petina or whatever her name is get married. You see, I am very picky when it comes to straight couples getting married and you two just don't make the cut. Well it is that along with the fact that I only issue a few hetero licenses every decade and most of them have been taken and one is spoken for so you're out of luck. A word of advice, don't even attempt to try and go get married abroad because not only would it not be recognized here in Equestria but you would wind up in Tartarus and your marefriend would find herself banished to Twilight's dungeon of sexy times until she loses her sex appeal.
Now please do me a favor and go do something productive with your time such as collecting some taxes because your town is behind on loan payments. Failure to do so will result in me coming and abducting every hot mare and giving them to Twilight's old friends....mares who are extremely aggressive in the bedroom.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia