Pinkie Pie's Problematically Private Passion's Parental Personages Presented Perpostorously Prior Publishing Previously Paraphrased Preoccupation

by Masterweaver

Some things get resolved

Four sets of eyes looked up as the pair entered the living room. Sunny's initial smirk lessened somewhat as Pinkie hoisted her pies up with a grim expression.

"Ruby has something she wants to tell you," she announced, her voice grave. "I think you should listen."

Sunny leaned back a bit. "Ooooooooooookay?"

Pinkie stepped aside, pies still prepared, and nodded to the redhead. She stepped forward, taking a breath. "So, um. You... I mean, you know how some people, they come out to their parents as gay and get rejected and kicked out of their home?"

Summer nodded. "Sweetie, you know we would never--"

"No, I know you'd be fine if I was gay, but... I'm not gay. Or straight. Or bi, or pan--I... I'm asexual."

"A sexual what?" Sun Dragon asked.

"Already made that joke," Pinkie interjected.

"So... just to clarify, I mean I don't get sexual attraction," Ruby explained. "Not that I don't understand it, I just... I don't look at people and say 'that's hot,' if that makes sense. And I get that, um, in this particular family that could be considered weird, but... I am... what I am..."

She trailed off, not quite looking at anyone.

Everyone looked from her to Pinkie. She shrugged helplessly, raising her pies and glancing significantly toward Ruby.

"...Well, that explains a lot," Raven deadpanned.

Ruby glanced up. "You're not... upset?"

"Why would I be? Do whatever you want to, just make sure you do it well."

"Did you really think we'd be angry about this?" Summer asked.

"I mean, not angry..." Ruby admitted. "...maybe confused and unable to accept--"

Summer embraced her. "Oh honey... I'm sorry if we ever made you feel that way. You're our daughter, and we want you to live your best life. Not ours."

"I thought I just said that," Raven grumbled. "Didn't I just say that?"

Summer broke the embrace and gave her a pointed look.

"Oh, fine." She got up, spread her arms as far as her handcuffs would allow, and put them around Ruby. "There there. This is a hug. You're getting that, right?"

Ruby giggled. "Yeah, Mam. Thanks."

"Don't mention it." She pulled her arms off. "Seriously, don't, I have a reputation to maintain."

"Gotcha." Ruby turned to Dragon Sun. "Dad?"

The man had an expression so severe it couldn't be taken seriously. "I hope you realize the responsibility you are foisting onto your sister."

"It's a big one," Sunny agreed, her face equally ridiculously severe.

"She's the one that will have to get us grandkids."

"Yep. Months of my body tormenting me as it balances everything for the little critters growing inside me."

Pinkie rose her pies, but Summer held up a finger.

"Cravings, stretch marks, moodswings, for almost a year," Dragon Sun continued solemnly.

"And then a few hours of pain to push out something about as big as a football," Sunny L. Dragon confirmed somberly.

"Covered in blood and mucus and wailing its little lungs out."

"And then keeping the tiny bundle of meat alive for a few years."

"Diapers, nursing, burp rags, and carrying the thing around constantly until they can walk on their own."

"Then I'll have to worry about keeping the little beast safe as it wanders around and learns how best to horrify me."

Ruby put her hands on her hips with a frown. Dragon Sun and Sunny Dragon returned the look. For a moment, all three of them were portraits of serious seriousness.

Well, if Pinkie ignored the way the corners of their lips were twitching.

"...You fucking jerks!" Ruby finally cried, jumping forward and hugging them tightly with a broad grin.

"And that's a dollar for the swear jar," Raven informed her.

Pinkie blinked. "What? But you weeeeeere--"

Summer and Raven both wove their hands rapidly, shaking their heads and glancing at Ruby.

"--taaaaalking about that TV show you watched earlier," Pinkie continued smoothly. "I heard online it had lots of swearing."

"Yeah, well, just because I watch stuff with bad language doesn't mean I use it around here," Raven agreed, shooting her a grateful look.

"Yeah, Pinkie," Ruby said, breaking off her hug, "I've never heard Mam swear."

"Aaaaaaah." Pinkie nodded in understanding. "My bad. I guess I thought she was rough and tumble enough that it would come naturally."

"I can't blame you for that," Sunny agreed. "I know I'm kind of a bruiser myself, and a lot of people expect me to have filthy language. I only use that for--" She cut herself off, looking at her sister. "Hey Rubes?"

Ruby rolled her eyes. "You can still keep the sex jokes, sis, just leave me out of that kind of teasing."

"Oh good, I was worried I'd have to make a big adjustment. And hey, now I have more reason to pound anybody that tries to flirt with you into the dirt."

"And if she's not around to punch them, I can always show up to pie them!" Pinkie added.

"Where did you get those pies, anyway?" Summer asked.

"I refuse to answer on the grounds it might implicate me."

Ruby giggled. "Thanks, but... I think I can usually protect myself. Besides, just because I don't have sexual attraction doesn't mean I can't fall in love. It'd just be a bit more of a... snuggly relationship."

Four sets of eyes turned slowly from her to Pinkie Pie.

"...what?" Ruby looked around, then at Pinkie. "Why's everyone looking at her?"

"I have no idea!" Pinkie lied brightly, putting the pies on the table. "Well, this has been interesting, but I really should get going, my party senses are tingling."

Dragon Sun covered his face with a single hand. "Oh boy."

"Hey, uh... thanks for being here for me," Ruby said. "It really... it helped a lot."

"Not a problem!" Pinkie chirped, smiling to hide the faint crack in her voice. "Anything for a friend!"

"Yikes," Raven muttered, as Sunny hissed in sympathy.

"You know there are some spare cookies in the kitchen," Summer offered. "Ruby, why don't you get them and, uh, show our guest out?"

"So, yeah, that's... that's my family," Ruby managed as they stepped out onto the porch.

"Pretty interesting bunch," Pinkie offered. "And that's coming from me, so--"

"Yeah, your sisters are an entire spectrum of 'interesting'," Ruby agreed. "Are your parents as... 'interesting'?"

"Well... they're pretty formal and old-fashioned in their speech, but they do have four daughters so..." Pinkie shrugged.

"Heh." Ruby shook her head. "I wouldn't mind being a part of your family."

"You wouldn't?"

"I mean there's a lot of fascinating people in it."

"Oh," said Pinkie.

"Especially you."


"Of course, you're the manifestation of laughter!"

"Oh," said Pinkie again.

"But you're so much more than that, too. You're smart, caring, always know what to say..."


"You're one of the best friends I could ever ask for!"

"Oh," said Pinkie a third time.

"And..." Ruby rubbed her head awkwardly. "I... I'm really glad you came over today."

"You are?"

"I don't know if I could have talked about, you know, me with anyone who wasn't such a good friend."

"Oh," said Pinkie, automatically.

"And standing up to my parents--even if it turned out not to be necessary, it was really sweet. Really, really sweet..."

"You sound... grateful?" Pinkie asked, with just the faintest hint of hope.

"Of course I am! If that's how you help Sunset out, then it's no wonder the two of you are such good friends!"

"Oh," said Pinkie, her smile twitching once more.

Ruby bit her lip. "Of course... you're welcome to come visit any time, if you want. I mean, you're practically part of the family after today, you know?"

"I am?"

"Yeah! My parents all seem to like you a lot." She nudged Pinkie with a playful elbow. "Guess me and Sunny got them used to offbeat personalities, huh?"

"Oh," said Pinkie, her voice as level as it had been the past few times.

"Que les invités qui entrent dans cette maison, repartent en amis."

"What's that mean?"

"It's a prench phrase. 'The guests who come to this house leave as friends.'"

"Oh," said Pinkie, her hands twitching.

Ruby leaned forward and, quickly, pecked her on each cheek. "It's been fun, Pinkie! I'll see you around!" With a happy wave, she stepped back into the house.

Pinkie remained stock still for a few seconds. Then, in a daze, she stepped off the porch, swaying distantly as she started walking down the road. Her expression flickered occasionally to joy, or to sorrow, but remained for the most part in a state of bewilderment.

At the end of the block, she stopped. "...Sunset?" she pleaded weakly.

With a golden flash, her friend who happened to be a demigod of the new world was beside her. "Pinkie? What's--"

"I need you to teleport me to my room, give me a giant plush of indeterminate species I can sit against, cover me in a thick woolen blanket, summon thirty gallons of ice cream in no less than five different flavors, and call Rarity over so we can talk about things."

Sunset Shimmer processed this for ten whole seconds.

"...bad day?"

Pinkie Pie fell to her knees, wailing to the heavens. "I DON'T KNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOW!"