Underneath the pristine white marble of Canterlot Castle inside the forgotten caves of Mt. Canter, lay the catacombs. It is a place where sunlight is unknown; the howl of a breeze echoes out like moaning ghosts; the chirping of rats that feel in the darkness among the slushing water. Underneath the stone arches and the walls of bones of ponies forgotten to time – a table was already sat up. A round table covered with red cloth is illuminated by candelabras of black candles that gave the only source of light. Around this table are seven wooden chairs with only one occupant sitting down, waiting. A cloaked figure that had his face be covered in shadow, while a similar figure stood at attention behind him, just barely in the light of the candles.
The cloaked pony that was sitting down looked up as he heard the sounds of hoofsteps that bounced off the walls. A minute later, he spotted a shadow moving closer towards the light. He winched at the… hygiene of the Pegasus. A blond mane that was sloppily put up in a bun with a five o’clock shave over his light green coat. However, it was the pony he was expecting.
“Hey, is this the league thing?” the stallion asked. “I got your invite not too long ago; nearly turned it down on the account of me being such a genius at mane styling. But I figured this could be interesting.” He took a seat from one of the wooden chairs. “I must say, it’s a pain to get here but the decor is fantastic! Spooky.”
The cloaked figure didn’t respond.
From the other direction, the sound of wings flapping drew near before it stopped with an audible thump! Another shadow drew near. A dragon of red scales with an annoyed look marched up to one of the chairs. “This better not be a waste of my time,” he said, pulling said chair back to where he plopped down and let his hindlegs be propped up by the table. “I was told there was supposed to be free gems at the end of it.”
“This place is icky!” a young voice complained. A filly whined in the dark. “Do we have to come down here?”
“I don’t know,” another, older sounding voice replied, “do you want to be grounded for not joining a league of evil?”
“But mom, I’m a good guy no-”
“Not having me close down the school so you can be class president isn’t exactly a compelling redemption arch for a bully, isn’t it? Now don’t lag behind.”
Into the flickering candlelight, a mother and a thoroughly irritated filly stepped towards the table. The older mare was clearly a wealthy pony judging by the clothing, jewelry, mane and the nose that was done by a plastic surgeon. The filly only had a diamond tiara, with a pink coat that was a couple of shades lighter than her bossy mother’s. They too took a seat at the table.
Then the last two ponies arrived. If it wasn’t for the mustache, they would have seemed to be completely identical. From their red and white manes, the straw hats, and even the striped blue and white shirt were exact to the point that it was almost looking at a pair of clones. Even their chatter seems so closely similar that one of them could easily be talking to himself.
“…. And then I said, ‘Sorry, that’s what happens when you roll the dice.’”
“So true, brother of mine. So true. You would think that if they were gambling for four days they would have figured it out by then.”
“Good thing greed is there to keep them stupid.”
“Indeed.”
The two stallions took the last of the seats, next to each other.
“It looks like everypony is here.” The one without the mustache said. “And why are you wearing a cloak, Prince Blueblood?”
“Oh come on!” Blueblood pulled off the cloak off of him. “There was supposed to be a dramatic reveal! I had a whole speech planned and everything.”
The dragon pulled out a card that was decorated in gold. “Yeah, here’s a tip: if you’re going to go for a surprise, don’t put your name on the invite.”
“I have to agree, sir.” The second cloaked figure behind Blueblood said. Maxwell pulled off his hood. “All purposes of being mysterious are eroded quickly if you used the standard cards that came with your name already.”
“Why are we here?” The youngest filly questioned. “Especially in a place that looks like something out of a horror movie.”
“I don’t know.” The blond Pegasus mused. “If you’re going to go with a secret meeting place with some shadowy overlord, I’d think this must be the place.”
“But we’re not here to discuss the décor that’s suited for Nightmare Night.” The twin brother without the mustache said. “Perhaps before we get down to whatever business this is, maybe we ought to at least introduce ourselves.”
“He’s Flim and I’m Flam,” the one with the mustache said. “We’re the famous Flim Flam Brothers.”
“Subtle.” The mare with the plastic nose deadpanned. “Well my name is Spoiled Rich, this ungrateful child is Diamond Tiara.”
“Zephyr Breeze.” The light green Pegasus answered, kicking back and letting his hind hooves rest on the table, his forelegs holding his head.
“Garble. Don’t expect me to make any pony friends.”
“And you all know who I am,” Blueblood said. “So, know that you’re all here, I will skip the pleasantries and get straight to the point.” He leaned forward. “I have carefully hoofpicked all of you because of the skills you all have to bring about revenge against those that have humiliated us time and time again. You with never to woo Rainbow Dash. You with being pestered into a friendship from Spike. You two with those Cutie Mark Crusaders. And you two… well… just Equestria in general.” The brothers shrugged. “And I with my Auntie Celestia. Well, I think the time is coming in which we can finally overcome them to get exactly what we want.”
“Well spit it out!” Garble shot at him. “What’s this about?”
“It’s all very simple.” Blueblood clopped his hooves together. “The mission to get all that we want is to start a world war!” He finished with a smile.
The catacombs were very quiet at first. The occupants around the table were stunned into silence. At first, the prince had thought that his ultimate plan of becoming a villain was so brilliant that the simpletons were in awe at his brilliance. That was until all of them objected at once. A jumbled mess of complaints was shouted and vibrated off the walls of the catacombs that it was hard to hear what anyone was saying.
Sighing, Maxwell took out a thin whistle out from his breast coat pocket and blew on it hard; letting out a high pitch, pricing note that made everyone cover their ears. Now silent, the butler cleared his throat. “Perhaps all of you could state your opinions one at a time?”
“Are you insane?!” Diamond Tiara was the first to make her voice heard. “All this talk about how you want to help us get back at a couple of ponies and your solution is to start a war?”
“I have to agree with the kid.” Zephyr raised a hoof. “Not that I don’t want to have Rainbows as my special somepony, but to have the entire world go to war seems a tad extreme, isn’t it?”
“Uh yeah, and more importantly,” Garble leaned forward towards the prince, “Why?”
Blueblood took in a deep breath. “I don’t think any of you are sensing the opportunity that’s being presented to you.”
“How is starting a war an opportunity?” Spoiled questioned.
“And how exactly would you need us to do it?” Flam inquired.
“That’s a good point,” Flim rubbed his chin in thought, “if you’re a politician, can’t you just declare war whenever you want?”
Clearing his throat, the prince stood up. “I’m afraid that it’s not that simple. Even those like Celestia can’t declare war willy-nilly. There must be a very good reason to sent countless young ponies off to be slaughtered by the millions while spending even more bits to keep it going. But starting a war isn’t a bad thing to those that can benefit from it. Especially all of you.”
All of them raised an eyebrow. “Like what?” Spoiled asked.
“Think about it,” he walked over to the dragon, “if the entire world goes to war, not only would it give the dragons an excuse to do something violent, but it would justify your hatred with ponies so you might go in and start burning towns and villages to the ground.” Then over to Spoiled and Diamond, “If Equestria were to go to war, there would be lives lost, yes. But if those numbers included the Elements of Harmony, especially to those like say… Applejack or Rarity, their little sisters would be so devastated at their loss.” Then to Zephyr. “If there’s a war, there would be an opportunity for heroes to come forth to save the day. I mean, just imagine how attractive you would be if you came back as a war hero to Rainbow Dash; she wouldn’t see you as a loser at all.” And finally, to the twins, “If it erupts, the economy would demand that certain things would have to be cut back for the sake of the war effort. But such dire circumstances would create golden opportunities for those who not only sell the knock-off brands of everyday items such as food, fabrics, medicine, etc… but also for new ideas of weapons to be capitalized on.”
Shifty eyes looked at one another as the six of them considered the benefits.
“Let’s pretend we agreed,” Flam said. “How precisely would this war start? Let alone a world war.”
Blueblood smiled as he sat back down. “In two weeks, there is a very important summit coming up. One in which all the world leaders will be there and their colleges. The reason why this is so important is to not only establish wider, freer trade but to piece together international peace. However, in order for this to work, each leader from each nation must uphold respect, sensitivity, and civility to each other without anything going wrong. Given how different each leader’s idea of what all of those things are, it can easily go wrong if it’s unintentional. But what would happen if it was?”
“So, in other words,” Zephyr thought aloud. “You want this summit thing to go horrifically wrong on purpose?”
“Exactly.” He nodded. “But for that to happen, I must have the expertise of companies, the brutality of a dragon, the precision of bullies, the bad tastes of a manedresser, and the cunning brilliance of a prince that has connections. So what do you say?”
They all hesitated.
Until Maxwell added. “Did we mentioned that you’ll be given a castle filled with treasure and ice cream if you agreed to join in?”
They all instantly jumped onboard.
Thus the League of Cringe was born.