Pinkie Pie's Problematically Private Passion's Parental Personages Presented Perpostorously Prior Publishing Previously Paraphrased Preoccupation

by Masterweaver

Devices, of Plot and Otherwise

Pinkie Pie had, throughout the course of her life, encountered and constructed many technological devices. There was the balloon-cycle for getting around rapidly, the sillie suit for maneuvering into the best position to give her friends a fun surprise, the Rotary Auxilary Pastry Intelligent Delivery Flexible Itenery Robotic Engine that principal Celestia had decreed to be a work of genius before banning it forever from school celebrations, and of course her party cannons. The original model, the funderbuss, the Pinkie-portable party cannon (she still got a faint thrill of joy from remembering Ruby's eager squeal upon seeing the thing)...

Oh, and the room temperature superconductor that Twi had freaked out about that one time. Which she guessed was a little more impressive, but not nearly as iconic. Diversification was important, though.

For all her surprisingly intricate knowledge of gadgetry, she was not prepared when she stepped out into the backyard and first witnessed The Machine.

A framework of wood, metal, and concrete meandered across three separate foundations held together by planks, nails, and not too little good luck. Mounted on the bewildering assemblage was an even more bewildering array of gears, cogs, pumps, Jacob's ladders, partially vivesected computers, monitors, conveyor belts, windmill blades, and what looked to be the disassembled frame of a vehicle designed by drunken insect aliens who had heard about cars and didn't quite understand what they were meant to be.

The whole thing wove through one boxy chamber in the center, which was currently rattling and clanking away as smoke poured out of three of its vents. A half-gear of teeth spun in and out of the top, accompanied by a rapidly vacillating black accordion thing and the electrical sparks coming off a globey sparky thing that Pinkie Pie was sure she knew the name of, she just couldn't think of it right now because she was distracted by all the graphs and warning signals flashing across the bevey of monitors.

"Soooooooo..." She shimmied toward Sunny Dragon, who was leaning against the house casually. "Your dad's an engineer?"

"Schoolteacher. Home economics."

Pinkie nodded, turning back to The Machine. "Well of course he is..."

One particularly rattily bit of The Machine flew apart suddenly, tubing and wires scattering across the backyard. A large cogwheel flew at Pinkie's face, spinning around her forehead and down her hair as the attaching bungee cords bound her limbs to her body. Sunny reached out, casually snatching a heavy-looking circuit box out of the air before it could smash through the window next to them, and gave Pinkie a concerned look. "You alright there?"

"Yeah, peachy." Pinkie gave her a reassuring smile. "Don't worry about it, this kind of thing happens."

"If you're sure. I can help untangle you from all that--"

"No no no," Pinkie said quickly, "I'm the manifestation of laughter. If you help me we'll probably both end up tied together in an embarrassing position."


"...Sooo... this thing--"

"Dad calls it The Machine," Sunny explained, watching the gears wind down. "He's been working on it on and off for... basically ever."

"What does it do?"

"I have no idea. He never gives me a straight answer."

"That's because I'm pansexual!" announced a voice from behind The Machine.

Sunny fingergunned. "Eeeeeey!"

An orange man popped out from behind The Machine. "Eeeeeeeey!"

"Eeeeeeeeeeeey!" Pinkie added with grin of her own. "I'd fingergun too if my hands were free!"

"What bizarre technobabble did you fuck up this time?" Raven shouted from the doorway.

"I jiggered where I should have twigged."

"Fine, whatever, don't tell me."

"Everything okay down there?" shouted a voice from the sky.

"We're fine Carolina!" the man replied. "Just a little accident--none of you are hurt, right?"

"Nope," Pinkie replied. "Just a little tied up is all."

"You sure? I don't want to have to do paperwork on hurting a religious figure or something."

"The more you worry, the more likely I am to be ironically injured in my attempts to reassure you."

"You're being surprisingly open today," Sunny noted. "Except about the one reason you're actually here."

"Why is she here anyway?" Carolina asked.

"She's crushing on Ruby," Raven replied. "And hiding it so terribly Ruby's the only one not to have noticed."

"'Gee I don't know if I should tell you, Carolina,'" Pinkie chirped sarcastically, "it's kind of personal and I only just met the girl today!'"

Carolina shrugged sympathetically. "Yeah, Raven's a bitch."

"Fuck you," Raven deadpanned.

"Don't think I don't notice those cuffs. You broke another ankle monitor, didn't you?"

A single gauntleted finger was raised up in reply.

"Dad, this is Pinkie Pie, she's one of Sunset Shimmer's friends. Pinkie, this is Dragon Sun, he's the guy who convinced two women not to kill each other and then got them pregnant."

"Wow." Pinkie gave her a look. "You went there. Should I be worried?"

Dragon Sun laughed. "Don't worry, I'm not that kind of lech. I respect the people I bed, and I only bed people who are legal."

"And one criminal," Raven added.

"And one criminal," he conceded. "You're far too young for me, miss Pie--as is anybody my daughters could have as classmates. Speaking of... you've got your eyes on my little girl." He walked over to her. "And what makes you think you're good enough for her?"

Pinkie frowned. "So, hold on, Summer asked me what my intentions were, Raven pulled off an actually very scary 'if you ever do anything to hurt her,' and now you're doing the 'what makes you think you're good enough' thing." She looked at Sunny accusingly. "What's your stake in this?"

"I'm the awesome sister-in-law that asks when I'm going to have nieces to spoil," the blonde replied with a grin.

"Just making sure."

"Alright, alright, so it's kind of cliché," the man admitted, unraveling the bungee cords around her. "But you have to admit it's cliché for a reason."

"Culturally ingrained ideals of equivalent exchange in relationships and worth being found only in the continuation of your bloodline?" Raven offered.

"...Alright, let me rephrase the question. Why should Ruby like you?"

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth.

Pinkie Pie closed her mouth.

Pinkie Pie opened her mouth.

Pinkie Pie closed her mouth.

"Wow." Sunny shook her head. "Come on, Pinkie, you aren't that horrible."

"I'm trying to think of why Ruby specifically should like me, not why just anybody would like me."

"You're smart, funny, good at keeping up with things, know how to make people happy, surprisingly talented, kind of cute, and genuinely concerned about the well being of anybody you meet."

"Well yeah," Pinkie said, "but that's enough reason for anybody to like me. Not just Ruby. Ruby has to like me for a specific reason."

"You made a grenade launcher that shoots parties and turns into a hammer."

"Oh yeah! That's one thing!" Pinkie paused. "One... thing. Hmm. Oh! I can make--no, wait, making cookies is too easy..."

"She likes strawberries," Dragon Sun offered in an amused tone.

"Oh, strawberries! I can totally make strawberry cookies... um... I'm just realizing how shallow this is sounding. Guns and cookies. Things. Um... Oh oh oh! I've been helping her with some of the Church of the Divine Bacon Horse stuff! Because that's important to her. Oh, and, and you know what else is important to her? The war corgi project!"

"Oh hell, I'd forgotten about the war corgi project," Raven groaned.

"I didn't!" Pinkie beamed. "I've been helping her with... part of it... I mean I don't get it myself, but it's important to her."

Dragon Sun nodded as he removed the last bungee cord. "You're starting to get it. So how far along is this relationship anyway?"

"It isn't," Raven said flatly.

"Pinkie hasn't told Ruby about her feelings for some bizarre reason," Sunny explained.

"I'd like to think it's a perfectly normal reason," Pinkie groused, pulling the cogwheel from her hair.

"The manifestation of laughter having a normal reason to do something?" Agent Carolina shook her head. "Wow, will wonders never cease."

Raven glared at her. "This is a family matter, suit, get the fuck off my lawn."

"Technically, it's his lawn."

Dragon Sun waved her off. "Go back to patrolling Carolina, we've got this."

"Fine, fine..."

Pinkie watched her fly away for a moment. She turned to Raven curiously. "So... how bad are you, that you've got all those restraints and a dedicated watchguard?"

"She's robbed royalty," Sunny replied dismissively.

"And Summer's toppled empires," Raven countered.

"One empire," Dragon Sun corrected.

"Criminal empires count."

"No they don't."

Raven snorted. "This guy... why the hell did I let you stick around again?"

"You know why--"

Footsteps rushed down the stairs, and Summer Rose stuck her head out the door. "Dragon, Raven, family meeting in the den. Sunny, can you--?"

"What's going on?" Pinkie asked.

"It's..." Summer bit her lip. "I... I don't know. Ruby's not talking to me."

Sunny hissed sharply. "Wow. Okay, yeah, this is bad--"

Pinkie grabbed her wrist. "Come on. Maybe she just needs a friend."