//------------------------------// // Hideous destructor // Story: Johns // by Cackling Moron //------------------------------// “You...you…?” I said, not really able to find the words, my brain just churning mud and spinning its wheels, as it were, struggling to gain purchase. Like one of those Russian trucks in the Summer. Which I somehow remembered? Nice imagery, I must admit. And she’s still just looking at me with those bright red eyes, still grinning with those pointy, pointy teeth. The ones for biting. Okay, be calm. She can read minds, apparently?  Maybe confirm that. What if I just walked up and flicked your nose, lady? What’d you make of that? Nothing. She just kept smirking at me. But that didn’t mean anything. She could just be seeing that I was trying to confirm, and so playing it cool. How would I know? Fuck.  I swallowed. “You mean all the - how much did you - how long…?” I asked, not really sure how best to sum up my feelings and question on the matter. Her grin really didn’t help. At the very least, she got what I was driving at. “Most of what you’ve been thinking since you entered the room. You do think rather a lot, don’t you?” She said. I would have thought most people think quite a lot. Kind of just running in the background all the time, I would have thought. “You would be surprised,” she said. “Stop doing that!” I stood up. I wasn’t standing for this. Well, I was, but not like that. Thankfully Umbra didn’t make any moves to stop me or, indeed, any moves at all. She just stayed on the bed while I stumped over to the door. The door was, obviously, locked. Or at least unyielding. I gave it a proper tugging but got no results. Shouldn’t have been surprised but I wasn’t going to just sit there and let her...do...that… “Any luck?” Gah! Turning, I find Umbra stood barely two feet away, doing her best to peer curiously over my shoulder. She was, I noted with sourness, about my height. Big lady. Normally I’d quite like that for a change of pace but right then not so much. “Could you maybe just back up a little bit there, please?” She did not back up. Instead, she got closer. Maybe about a foot apart now. “Does me coming closer really make you so uncomfortable?” “I’d say I’m finding the situation generally uncomfortable.” She laughed at this and nuzzled me which...I did not expect. “I understand,” she said. “This must all be rather confusing to you. It’s why I said you shouldn’t worry about it. Just be in the moment, hmm? I think things will be a lot easier for you if you just think about that. It’s not so bad, is it?” What was happening. Thankfully she stepped back, then, though still not perhaps as far as I would have liked. Ideally, I would have liked her to have stepped all the way across the room. And also the door to be open. And me to be back in Ponyville. Or, better, Canterlot. Me in the bed with Celestia with all of this a distant memory or just some fevered dream I had and was very quickly forgetting and nothing something right in front of me that was something I had to deal with but couldn’t deal with because how do you deal with something like this?  Yes, that would work great actually can we make that happen? “Worrying doesn’t suit you. Also, I would not go so far as to say I was ‘squishy’, as you put it before,” she said, giving her side a prod. Eep. “Caught that bit, did you?” “Yes.” Well at least she doesn’t look too upset about that… Wait, was she changing the subject? She was! She did!  If I didn’t know any better I’d say she wants you all turned around. I’m getting that impression. Or am I getting that impression just because I am turned around because I think I’m starting to maybe panic a little bit? Well that’s no good. And she’s got that smile again. She knows! She knows! Just, fucking, tamp it down, son. Don’t freak out. And don’t think about not freaking out. Don’t think about anything! Because she’ll know! She knows right now! She’s looking at you right now! She’s doing the smirk again because she knows what you’re thinking! Just calm down! I did my best. Took a breath. “I’m, uh, getting the impression that I’m not really in any position to make demands but I’d prefer you not, ah, read my mind. It is putting me on edge.” Might as well be direct, right? Wait, she’ll hear that... “I did hear that, yes. I imagine you find the experience new and there might be some adjustment as you get used to it, but you’re just so interesting.” She reached up and I held very still as she kind of just ran one of those iron-shod hooves over my head. Gently, agreeably, but still.  “Your mind is different to those I’m used to, not to mention shall we say - ah - damaged? Fractured might be a better way of putting it. The pieces do not fit as neatly as they once likely did, though they work cohesively. It makes you rather difficult to read, compared to most. Very interesting,” she said, starting to circle me. Classic villain move, that. Her moving between me and the door did a very good job of herding me back towards the middle of the room. “Don’t I feel special…” “You should! Most I can read like a book. Everything so obvious, everything out there, very dull after a while. You? Only the surface, and even then not consistently. A lot I have to piece together. It’s quite...intriguing. Different. Makes you interesting, as I say. Another point of uniqueness. Rather a large one in my opinion. Which counts for a lot.” ‘Interesting’ has a poor habit of not always meaning ‘good’. “Oh, when you’ve been around as long as I have you’d agree that interesting was always good.” Fuck! Not again! I can’t run two conversations at once! “Could you please stop doing that?” I asked, rubbing my temples. Was it my imagination or was I getting a headache? “You’re a lot less polite inside your head, you know that? One wonders what other things you think but don’t give voice to…maybe a little deeper…?” Deeper? What- Okay, that’s a headache ow ow fucking ow really a lot like a stabbing pain right there right inside my skull fucking OW. “Hmm, best not to do that again, wouldn’t we say?” Somehow I’d ended up on my knees and clutching my head. Not sure how. Hadn’t noticed it happening, but there you go. Dropped my stick, too. Tried to pick it up but my hand was shaking too badly and I fumbled it. My other hand was better though. Umbra did not offer me any help in standing back up again, in stark contrast to just about everyone else who ever saw me struggling back to my feet. Actually I didn’t mind that, but I did kind of think she was withholding help on purpose. “No, I just know you prefer to do it on your own. It’s obvious.” I gritted my teeth. Definitely a headache. A real low-key constant throbbing one. “Thank you,” I said. Really, really not a fan of that. Couldn’t see myself getting used to it either. “Perhaps you should think more quietly, if you did not want your thoughts overheard,” she said as I staggered back to the bed, resigned to sitting on it because I sure as hell wasn’t going anywhere anytime soon. Slumping, I hissed and squeezed my eyes shut, pinching the bridge of my nose. Thinking quietly? “I - is that even possible?” I asked. “Certainly. I could teach you, if you’d like.” She sounded serious saying this, but surely she wasn’t, surely? Why would you blithely lounge around just skimming across the surface of someone’s mind - even after being told to stop - and also offer lessons in avoiding that sort of thing? Was this a brand of horse-logic I hadn’t encountered yet? “...you’d teach me to think more quietly...something I’d rather like to learn to do so that you specifically stop reading my mind?” “Yes.” “...uh…” I really felt I was missing something here. She shrugged, checked one of her hooves. Definitely a habit of hers. And one she has now cottoned onto because once I noticed this she put her hoof down. Argh. Argh I hate this! Stop it! “An offer to teach you doesn’t guarantee that you’ll demonstrate particular aptitude for it. Even with myself for a teacher I don’t imagine you’d grasp anything beyond the rudiments, though it would be very fun to watch you try, I imagine. I expect it to be adorable.” “...I really can’t tell if you’re messing with me or not.” “Oh, I’d never do that. Our relationship is to be built on foundations of honesty. Healthier that way, don’t you think?” Again I got the real, real strong impression I was missing something very big here! “Relationship?” “We are two individuals, are we not? Individuals who interact have a relationship, a way they relate to one another, an attitude that colours this interaction. Yes?” She said, slowly. I hope Umbra can see how unimpressed I am at having the definition of a relationship explained to me. Judging by the smile I am going to guess yes, she can. “Presumably you were more curious about what I intend the nature of our relationship to be,” she said. “Yes. Thank you. Can it be long distance? Very long distance?” Maybe a continent’s distance? An ocean if you have one going spare? And a lot of very thick walls if at all possible? “Hah. Humour. Very good. But I’m afraid I’d rather have you within hoofs reach, if at all possible.” Great. “The reason being…?” Umbra took a breath to explain and then clearly thought it would be better if she was sitting down as she got back up on the bed alongside me, perhaps a little closer than I would have liked but at least not actually touching me this time. Settling herself she said: “Well, I’ve heard - through my eyes and ears - that Celestia’s mood has improved considerably since you appeared. She seems to be in far higher spirits. Enjoying life, you might say. It’s often these strange, seemingly pointless, intangible things that can have this effect, you know? Some might dismiss them as useless wastes of time but very little in life is useless. It’s all just a question of knowing where everything has its place. Like, for example, the proper place for a distraction.” What. “Celestia’s life seems to have improved with the introduction of a nice little distraction - you. And I thought, well, if it can work for her, why not me? My work is considerably more strenuous than hers, don’t I also deserve to enjoy my life? Live in the now? Have a pleasant distraction to brighten my days? Why should she have all the fun?” Again, what. At this point she moved closer and closed the distance between us so she was sat flush against me. Sigh. Too good to last. I remember when I had personal space. Wait, I scratch ponies behind the ears all the time. Is this what they- “I’d rather like my own unique distraction. For when I’m not busy elsewhere, you see? One can’t work all the time, and so much that is around already to pass that idle time is, well, boring. Tedious. Ordinary? Something unique, though? Well, that’s valuable, isn’t it? Has a value all its own. Adds something. Celestia could tell you.” “So I’m a hobby?” I asked and she put what I assumed was meant to be a comforting hoof onto my leg. My bad leg, I should point out. “That’s a very uncharitable way of looking at it. You are to be...a companion.” “Cracking.” The idea and picture in my head that I was getting was of someone seeing someone else with a pet, being jealous, and stealing that pet and then wanting that pet to be grateful about it. Again that word ‘pet’. Fucking hell. Hadn’t Luna called me that once? This is great, honestly. Maybe I should try the door again. “I wouldn’t if I were you. It was amusing the first time but my patience is not limitless. And ‘pet’ is also an uncharitable word, though a fitting one, I’d think. How do you see yourself and Celestia?” “A partnership of equals,” I said. That got a laugh out of her. Which was something at least? Though I suppose in life there are times and places you really don’t want a laugh to be. This was probably one of them. “Oh, that’s precious. I can see you believe it, too.” “I do, yes, thank you. And I think I’m in a better position to judge it than you.” Any lingering traces of that laughter vanished immediately and, again, I got that tipping-back-in-the-seat feeling. Kind of difficult to care quite as much at this point though because my head was fucking killing me. Kind of cut into my caution. “I’m guessing any sort of companion for you wouldn’t get to enjoy that particular arrangement?” I asked. Her hoof withdrew and she fixed me with those red eyes of hers. “A queen has no equals.” Well. Not a lot of wiggle room on that one. She kept the stare up a moment or two longer and then sighed, slipping from the bed and stepping in place so she was facing me. “I’d rather not have this start off on the wrong, ah, foot, is it? Let’s perhaps relax for now. I shall give you some time to cool off and settle in. And you must be hungry, yes? Long journey. I will have some food brought for you.” “By the smiley guy who got me here?” Some glimmer of amusement returned to her then. Which was something. Didn’t really like the dead-serious-I-could-kill-you-by-looking-at-you look she had been giving me before. “Him, or another of the hoofful of loyal and dutiful servants I have managed to retain, yes.” “He seemed to be in remarkably high spirits.” “There is a happiness that comes from accepting ones’ place. A place for everything, you see? And everything in its place.” Who talks like that? “Are you trying to fuck with me with all this?” Expected another of those icy moments where it felt like I might have gone too far, but instead she just smiled a little bit. You know as far as smiles went it wasn’t bad, it was just - no! Not the time! What the hell is wrong with you?! Oh God now it’s wider! “Maybe. Maybe not. As you get to know me better maybe you’ll be able to work it out on your own,” she said, leaving. I fell backwards to stare at the ceiling and nurse my headache and try to understand at what point this had all started going downhill. Even though I could already kind of guess. Don’t take rides with strangers, John!