//------------------------------// // First Contact // Story: Tortious Occupation // by FeverishPegasus //------------------------------// “We have contact.” Those three words rang out unopposed in the room of stressed out scientists, usually inclined to get into small squabbling arguments about which approaches to take, and how long they ought to be tried for. But those three words made all their arguments moot. I remember standing there when Jeff Redhand made that announcement, just as stunned as all the other scientists. It felt as if I shouldn't have participated in this accomplishment. I'd only passed by to get a quick idea about how they were progressing, as a sort of liaison to the Alternate Pentagon to see how well they were meeting our objectives, if they warranted an expansion and more funding, or if our resources were better directed elsewhere. The person that had been showing me around, espousing his near-propogandish belief that we continue to search and probe for aliens in order to avoid an eventual Columbian Exchange, was no longer speaking, and it was clear he no longer needed to make his small group of scientists look good. “Guys, we have contact,” Jeff Redhand re-iterated, as if nobody had heard him the first time. His mussed brown hair partially covered his right eye, and he didn't bother to move it. Everybody, including me, rushed to his computer terminal. “What are the settings you used?!” someone practically screeched. “Don't worry, I'll send it to you. Just listen.” Everyone immediately went silent, and listened to the sound of a female voice humming an unknown tune. Occasionally she'd stop singing and say something, but the language she spoke sounded nothing like the languages I'd heard about, broken up into a syntax that seemed unlike anything else I'd ever heard. Her voice was quiet and soft, but of course, slightly drowned out by audio distortion. Someone asked, “How do you know we aren't just recording a woman's voice from somewhere on Earth?” Jeff pointed at another screen, “our Satellites aren't pointed that way. So either that screen's wrong, or we've made actual alien contact.” “How hard will it be to talk to them?” I asked. He turned around and looked at me, almost as if he were saying 'are you serious?!'. “We haven't even started that yet. I'm pretty sure you made it clear to us in our original agreement that we only had to search for incoming audio signals.” Like an asshole stickler, I said, “So we actually haven't made contact. We found reception.” “Sure,” he said, rolling his eyes. “But, if you were to work on sending a signal to these creatures, how long do you think it'd take? Now that you can hear them, it should be easy enough to talk to them right?” “No, absolutely not,” he said. “Those two things are completely different. To actually talk to them, we need to pinpoint the origin of their signal in the first place. And we don't even know what they did to make their own voices project this far.” I rubbed my chin, contemplating. “You're going to want more funding aren't you.” He spread his arms, “I'll take whatever you decide to throw at me.” “I'll see what I can do,” I said. Some unexplained emotion wanted to bubble out of me, maybe excitement? Rather something more similar to fatherly pride. As I left, it seemed like the whole room breathed a sigh of relief, some people rushed back to their computers, but most of them spontaneously hugged each other. It would've been nice to share in the moment, but I knew that this was not my accomplishment. The door to the lab closed behind me, and I made my way to the airport with a smile on my face. I nervously massaged my hands on the solid mahogany table I was sitting at, in company with a lot more important people than I was usually accustomed to. There were some Lieutenant Generals I didn't recognize, some Generals I most definitely did recognize, and at the very end of the table sat the Defense Secretary. What a way to pump a man's anxiety level to eleven. “I've seen the video, has everyone seen the video?” the Defense Secretary, James Esper said. “It's pretty good. Here, let's play it, in case someone hasn't seen it yet.” He clicked a button on the remote that was sitting on the table, turning on the overhead projector. The video was already loaded and it was just a black screen, since we were only supposed to be listening to audio. After he clicked another button, the same woman's voice hummed the tune I'd heard 12 hours ago in the lab. All the men in the room sat back, and I heard some of them inhale with surprise. The fact that the lab rats from Albuquerque had managed to find a 'female' alien voice in the first place would no doubt help funding, and I couldn't help but feel a bit of mirth that things just worked out that way. The video wasn't very long, and finished in about five minutes. Longer sequences were no doubt in analysis, it just wasn't likely that a longer video would make much of a difference to us, since it was all unintelligible in the first place. After the video finished, James spoke up again, “thoughts?” One of the generals, George Stairwell, a slightly shorter man, but filled out and stocky, spoke up, “My first instinct is to find a way to communicate with them, but I'm not sure we should be doing that just yet.” “Yeah,” a 3-star spoke up. “Don't tip your hand until you gather more intel.” “We don't want to wait too long though,” I said, “Every day we wait is another day our rival country could discover this opportunity and steal it from us.” “Yes,” the defense secretary said, “that is something we are all aware of I think, and I'm not sure either approach is one hundred percent correct. Both actions incur some risk. At some point we'll have to decide if this alien race is more of a threat, or if it is our sister nation.” George said, “For now, I'd like to wait until we can figure out their language. Once we know about the kinds of things they talk about, it might be easier to make a risk assessment.” I couldn't help but speak up again, “I understand where I stand here, but please, we start finding ways to communicate now. One of the top scientists at the Seti institute explained that sending information to these creatures would take quite a bit more work to accomplish, and that before they even tried to construct a way to send a signal far enough, they'd have to figure out where the voices were coming from in the first place. If we don't start now, it could take another fives years of delay until we're properly able to communicate with them.” “Don't get me wrong,” George said, face turning red, “I intend to send more funding their way, but there need to be specific rules to follow so that we can minimize the impact to our country, because of this unprecedented encounter. I understand that you're passionate about this subject, that's why we have you serving as a part time liaison for these guys, but while we plan to do everything in our power to minimize the delays our boys in the lab might experience, I will rely on my personal experience and enforce it to ensure the safety of my country.” Everyone else grunted in approval. The 3-star asked, “details sorted out later?” “Naturally,” the defense secretary responded. Jeff wasn't happy about what I had to tell him. “They're fucking us!” he said. “All outward transmissions postponed?! There's no way we'll be able to test anything! How long is this going to last?” “Until further notice,” I soberly explained. “You've got to understand, I did what I could, but these guys weren't hearing it.” “Stubborn assholes.” “Hey,” I said in a deep voice. “Keep your professional courtesy.” “Yeah, but how am I supposed to get their attention if they just keep making their own decisions? This is the next space race, there's no time to sit back and wait to see what happens. Only the bold survive in this universe. We're already sitting on a ticking time bomb with who knows what wandering around out in space. Surely you realize these creatures can help us grow? Help us learn?” “Well, we're not going to have a program if you choose to continue bad mouthing your superiors. As much as I'd like to say the people higher up are infallible pieces of machinery they're not. They're just human, and we have to work with them. Deny their authority and it defeats the purpose of what we stand for as a country in the first place.” He shrugged, “I'm not going to go out of my way to piss them off, but I'm not going to act like I'm enjoying this.” “I'm not asking you to. And you're still allowed to push back, but do your job. Believe it or not, I want this nearly as badly as you do.” “I know you know,” he chuckled. “Oh, by the way,” I continued. “You're trying to figure out the signal origin point right?” “Yeah, but as expected, we're not making too much progress yet. You know how radio signals are transmitted in circular bursts right?” “Just like light goes in all directions.” “Exactly,” he said, “but that alone should be fairly easy. The hard part is that the same signal likes to interfere with itself. It's like there's some anomaly out there in space, disrupting the signal, and forcing portions of it to cross over itself. Every time we track something down, it doesn't lead anywhere. You would think it'd be easy enough to spot the parts of space that regularly deflect the signals, but even that seems to be random.” “And yet, you're still able to get consistent audio from this alien planet.” He nodded, “It's like there's some invisible creature fucking with us on purpose. We've gotten permission to let a few other research groups know about this, and all of them are confused as hell, it's unlike anything they've even seen before.” “What type of researchers?” “We've talked to the guys at Tenmo and Stellaris, their physicists kept asking for more info, and it actually makes me kind of glad the government works slowly in that regard, I can keep focused on my work while all the info just sits in approvals and stagnates.” “Ha, silver lining I guess.” “Yeah for now,” his face went dark. “As soon as we figure out where the siganl's coming from though, I'm not sure what other work I'd be able to do.” “Figure out their language?” I asked. He shook his head. “Not my field of study. If you want a status update, talk to the linguistics guys we brought on.” Geoffery Stallman was the lead linguistics guy. Unlike Jeff, he carried himself with a bent back, and didn't have all that much muscle on him. His hands shook a lot every time he grabbed stuff, and I wasn't sure if he had health problems. “Sooo...” I trailed off. “Yeah?” he asked, a little lackadaisically, more focused on the cryptic figures he'd written on a piece of paper in front of him. “Any progress?” He didn't respond for a few seconds, “Some.” I scratched my head, “then explain it.” He whirled around and looked at me, “Oh. Ok.” A pause. I waited for him. It was clear from the faraway look in his eyes that he was thinking. “Soooo, yeah. I have some of the phonemes figured out. In case you don't know what those are, phonemes are basic utterances. Shorter than syllables. I'm going to need way more data than this if you want me to figure out some of the higher level structures.” “How much were the guys able to give you?” He tilted his head, “about 10 minutes worth I'd say. I think the creature was singing. Their sentences were repetitive, so I wasn't able to capture too much variation in her language. I kind of dig it to be honest, they should release this to the public. It'd get really popular.” I shook my head, “Just how much content would you want?” “Welllllll, uh, a lot. That's not specific. I'd say a weeks worth? 24 hours times 7 days, 168 hours of content sounds good. And I'm going to need more people to split the load, imagine me going through 168 hours of content on my own. I'd finish the tapes once, remember nothing, and have to start them all over again!” My eyebrows furrowed. “So, we were able to get five minutes when we got first contact, how come we're only at ten minutes?” “Something about that specific creature's routine. I dunno. You'd think they could just pick the place to eavesdrop at, but apparently it doesn't work that way. So they always need to wait for her to come back, and then it's a scramble again, for everyone to make sure they capture all the little details about her voice. I think they use vocal chords by the way, to speak. It sounds like vocal chords to me.” Noticing that he'd gotten back into his work while talking, I left. Our progress continued like this for a few years. Minor discoveries made by focused and persistent effort. The kind of work you'd immediately assume you knew from the start. However, over time these discoveries accumulated and compared to when we first started out, we knew a considerable amount about these creatures. All of it dictated by one member of their species, who only occasionally made themselves heard by our instruments. The ban on our transmission testing lifted in light of an interesting development... It was a one-on-one meeting with General Stairwell. He did not seem particularly pleased to see me, and I couldn't help but feel this meant good news. “There's no need to set up communication anymore,” he said. I blinked rapidly. “What?” Thoughts whirled as I tried to think of a way to save this. What had convinced the General to cut funding? “Before I continue, understand that this information could severely hurt the safety of our country if it ever got out. There would be no forgiveness if I found out you let it slip somehow. The guys at the Seti institute need to know this as well.” “Does this mean funding's cut?” He chuckled, “is that all that matters to you guys? Even if I had all of you disbanded you'd get redistributed to other areas. Work for the government isn't exactly an engineer's idea of a good time, so we take what we can get.” “I guess it's sort of a parental attachment I've had to these guys. I want to see this succeed as much as possible.” “Well, congrats,” he droned. “If you thought what you were doing now was crazy, it's time to get your seat-belt buckled even tighter.” “Alright,” I said, a bit irritated he was leading me on like this. “So? What's the news?” “It is probably obvious to you at this point, but we don't need to make the transmission technology because they contacted us.” I didn't respond, and the words hung in the air for a moment. He continued, “Somehow, the creatures caught wind that you were listening in on them. I don't know how, but this only confirms that I underestimated them. Either way, it's too late, they know we're here, and I suspect they have capabilities far stronger than ours. We will not gain anything sneaking around, trying to covertly get information. They've proven they can catch that. The only way forward is to talk to them directly, through the methods they've devised, in the hopes that we can gain some sort of strategic advantage using their technology while we interact with them.” “Ok,” I said, shellshocked. “What do I do now?” “I have you slated for a meeting in 30 minutes,” he looked at his watch. “At o-eight hundred hours. It's a briefing, and you're our only available candidate at the moment. Congrats, you're a diplomat now.” “Shit.” George Stairwell looked at me soberly. “Yes, get ready, now.” It was about a twenty minute drive to the pre-determined 'first contact' location. When I got there, I attempted to put my combination into the door keypad, failed, and then walked over to a corner of the building and threw up. Stringy strands of saliva hung from my lips no matter how many times I tried to wipe it away. I tried to spit what was left from my mouth, but that forced me to taste it. I threw up again. Thankfully, no one was there to watch me. I would have looked for a way to clean it up, but I was supposed to arrive at the briefing in five minutes. This was a new building too, so I had no idea how the layout of it worked. After walking back to the door, my hands were shaking too badly to put my number in. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and put my hand to my chest. Then as I breathed out, I extended my hand outwards. It calmed me considerably, and even though my hands were still shaking, I was able to interact with the door and get it open. From there, I was able to find the room, but got lost once, so that the second I walked into the briefing, the person in charge of hosting the meeting immediately got started. “Today marks a significant turning point for the human race, and I'm sure that for most of you, it goes without saying,” the presenters eyes wandered around the room, and then rested on me, before widening in surprise and glancing away. “In one hour you will establish contact with an alien species in a secure room, sealed off from everything else in the building, equipped with hazmat suits.” I raised my quivering hand. “Yes,” he squinted, trying to read my nametag, “Kurt.” “Aren't we just talking to them? Why would we need hazmat suits?” “It was a requirement of theirs that you meet in person. Somehow, they have the capability to bridge worlds, and we were able to negotiate a more favorable position based on this one exception.” Everyone else nodded in approval, and I just sat there, feeling some sense of growing dread, but that was probably because I was running out of energy. The man continued, “That is generally not what I'm here to talk to you about today though. This is in regards to what you're allowed to reveal about our country. So Kurt,” he said looking at me, and then, “John,” he said, looking at another man I didn't know. John, a balding man in his forties, nodded. “Under any circumstances, you are not allowed to talk about the atrocities committed by humanity in any context. That goes for genocide, homicide, deaths at war, torture, rape, molestation, and kidnapping, among other crimes not listed here that could lead the creatures to understand the worst about us. We don't know what these creatures value, and if they learn that members of our species have committed these crimes, they may seek to serve as their own arbiters of justice. Do you understand?” “Yes,” John said. “Yes,” I also said. “And although it goes without saying, classified information that you may have learned in your time serving the government is also off limits, information not included in this briefing that has associated rules on Earth should also be applied to your interactions with these creatures. Do you understand?” “Yes,” we both agreed. “One final thing, you are allowed to talk to the creatures about our weapons of war, but they are only allowed to know about it in the context of preventative measures. Should they ask if you used the weapons, you will deny it, and explain that they only exist to facilitate peace between countries that don't necessarily see eye-to-eye.” He looked at me for no apparent reason. “Also if you ever do talk about weapons, exaggerate. As much as possible, we need this new race to fear us, to prevent potential invasions. Do you understand?” “Yes.” “If you have any doubts about the rules I just posited, asked a member of the ETSA for guidance.” “What's that stand for?” I asked, “Extra-terrestrial security agency,” he said, looking at me, then continued, “Understand that negligent behavior will result in the immediate removal of your person from this project, and could result in jail time if the negligent behavior has a large impact on the security of our country as a whole, or threatens the livelihood of our citizens.” Both of us nodded soberly. It looked like John felt the pressure too. His hands white-knuckle clutched at his beige slacks, and I couldn't help but feel nervous for him. “Ok,” the presenter nodded. “You have 25 minutes to read through 30 pages of dense legalese, after which we'll expect your signature that you've read this. It should cover the specifics about what we just talked about here. Chances are, in practice, you wont have to worry about the details, but for the higher-ups' assurance, we need to make sure you understand what it is that you are getting into.” That sounded a lot like I was signing up as a scapegoat, but I let the man hand me the thick stack of papers. Even a threat to my life wouldn't keep me away from this opportunity. As soon as the hazard suit slipped over me, I felt a wave of panic. The taste of bile remained in my mouth, and it occurred to me that vomiting now would not be a pleasant experience. I was able to keep myself calm, for now, but I really didn't know what to expect of these creatures. And there were many ways for things to go wrong. Perhaps my concerns were pessimistic, but I gave myself only a moderate chance of surviving this encounter. Even with my bulletproof, pressure-resistant, chemical-resistant hazmat suit. John actually started wheezing when they put the suit over him, and I couldn't help but note that at least, if something bad did happen, he would be the first to die. The people that helped get us dressed checked for holes in the suits, and after they were done with that, they herded us into a metal room guarded by a door with a large ringed handle, sort of like the kind you'd see on top of a submarine hatch. When the door closed behind us, it became very obvious to me that I was living out a few of the tropes for horror movies I'd seen recently. A voice broke out over the intercom, “Five minutes until first contact. Remain prepared.” For five hellish minutes John and I stood there, trying to avoid the obvious thought that we were lab rats to serve as bait for these creatures. Finally, a bright light consumed the room, and it seemed to originate from the wall opposite to us. I closed my eyes, but after I opened them again, a square rectangle about 6 feet tall and 4 feet wide had opened up from the metal wall. It seemed to lead to the alien's home planet, which looked subterranean in nature. Dirt and shining blue roots made up the walls and ceiling of the passageway as far as I could see, until the passage curved to the left about 40 meters away. “I hear...voices,” John mused, entranced. Either he was in shock, or his fear had been erased and replaced by wonder. Now that I listened closer, there were indeed voices, growing louder as the creatures approached. My heart beat furiously as I waited for them to come around the bend. Walking through the portal would no doubt expedite the process, but that occurred to me as a very bad idea. And just like that they rounded the corner. Even though my eyes flitted up to meet theirs, it didn't really register to me that I had, in fact, made eye contact with an alien species. The significance of the moment was completely lost on me as I examined their surprising similarity to equines. However, their heads appeared rounded, and their bodies more squat and short than usual. “Holy shit,” John mumbled. “They're fucking My Little Pony characters.” I'd never heard of it, but the title struck me as a children's show. What were the odds that we'd found an alien race fashioned after a series of our own invention? They continued marching towards us, and eventually, crossed into the bare metal room. John approached, but I hung back, still slightly concerned about them. Were they using some sort of mental manipulation to make me perceive them as some kind of show character? I never recalled seeing them before, in TV shows, but perhaps I'd seen one in passing, and that they were somehow latching onto that. The creatures had come in a group of three. One of them was blocky looking, and I instinctively felt as if that one was male. The others appeared more rounded, and slightly more petite. The male pony, or stallion, had fur colored red, a yoke on his back, and a mane of light orange. One of the mares had purple fur and a mane of slightly darker purple. On her head was a small protrusion, which was the same color as her fur. The other had yellow fur with a mane of pink. The purple one appeared the most aggressive, and immediately started poking and prodding at John. It looked like the suit did well to resist their efforts, and to the ponies' chagrin it was making it difficult for them to size him up. John was not particularly happy about this and tried to swat them away. “Hey, hey!” he protested, flailing his arms. I walked over to them to try and intervene, and the purple pony turned her head immediately, eyes widening with what looked like realization. She whistled to the stallion, said something in a language I didn't understand, and pointed in my direction. As the stallion approached me I backed away slowly, trying to indicate with my hands that I needed space. He was unperturbed and grabbed me around the neck with the crook of his arm. Somehow gripping me within the ungainly suit. I could not stop him as he dragged me across the room, towards to portal. I screamed, and tried to hit his arm with my hands, but the suit made it hard to move at all, so I looked more akin to a pathetic marshmallow man attempting to wiggle around as the pony inevitably dragged me through the portal. It looked like John was trying to help me, but the mares were holding him back. I was suddenly on dirt, instead of metal, and the mares dashed toward me, closing the portal behind them. The last thing I saw before the portal closed was John's horrified face, before I found myself face-to-face with a mirror, the ponies reflected from behind me. It occurred to me that I was fucked, so I decided to pass out instead of deal with whatever wonderful things they had planned for me. When I woke up again, it was still dark, but instead of blue light, the cavern seemed lit up with a green aura. Various sacks of insect cocoons dotted the walls of the cavern, and they seemed to be the source of the glow. I could see silhouettes of bug creatures outlined in each one. I did not want them to hatch. A voice spoke up from a dark corner. From the sound alone, it reeked of rot and decay, but filled the cavern with vibrations, pounding my chest, forcing my heart to stutter in disgust. I could not understand it. Neither did I want to. It spoke again, more urgently this time, as the figure in the darkness unfolded itself, a few limbs moving in the dim light, barely visible. I did not respond. I had no idea how I would appease this creature. Looking at the ground below me, I noticed that it was littered in bug carapaces, most of it as a fine mulch. Some larger pieces dotted the landscape, and it looked like they were dotted with swiss cheese holes. As the creature approached me, I slowly grew to understand just how large it was. The other ponies had been diminutive compared to this, shoulders barely reaching up to my chest level. The thing that approached me now had to be at least twice that height. I bowed to it, hoping that would help. Tears streamed down my face uncontrollably. A loud hiss grated at my ears like TV static. I didn't realize until much later that it had been laughter. When I looked up again, the pony, no, bug stood before me. It's quadruped legs had holes in them, and from its forehead a single misshapen horn stood out. It's eyes burned into me with terrifying green intensity, and deeper down, I saw something even more terrifying. Sentience. It's mane had a grey pallor in the green light, and from its body stuck out shredded wings. It brought its face closer to mine, and whispered, “Cssssrk, khaaaaaa.” I shook my head rapidly, straining my neck in the process. It didn't hurt yet, my adrenaline had me fully topped up. The creature looked at me in disdain and its horn glowed with a sickly green pallor. I didn't have the time to realize I'd been knocked out. I was startled to find I could open my eyes again. “What? Where am I?” I mumbled. The sounds I made came out bubbly, and I seemed to perceive everything with a greenish tint. From outside I heard some quiet voices. Once again, they were in a language that I did not understand, but it seemed similar to the sounds clips we'd retrieved a while ago. Their voices were rushed, erratic, excited. It looked like there were five ponies in the room. One of them was the purple mare from my initial encounter, two of them had head protrusions like hers, which I guessed were horns. The purple mare approached. I wanted to get away from her, but I realized I was trapped in...something. Panicking and claustrophobic I breathed deep terrified breathes. The air didn't feel right either, and I felt the instinctive urge to throw up. Even my gag reflex felt suppressed, and my dry heaving attempts were unsuccessful. At the very least, it looked like I was out of my hazmat suit, so if I did eventually throw up, it wouldn't end up as actual hell on Earth. The purple pony's horn glowed and grabbed a scalpel. Quickly, it cut through a membrane that surrounded my body. The edges fell back, and sticky liquid pulled at my skin as it flowed off of me. In an instinctive defensive maneuver I projectile vomited green residue from my lungs onto the purple mare. She did not look pleased. I regretted doing that, seeing as she was the one holding the scalpel. But, she kept her composure, put the scalpel down, uttered a few things to the other ponies, and walked out the room. The two ponies with horns stood back as a glowing aura formed on their foreheads. Coincidentally, my body hovered as it was enveloped in an aura with similar colors. The two ponies without the horn approached me with towels and went about drying me off. It didn't seem like they wanted to hurt me, for now. So I let them continue. And it wasn't like there was anything I could do while I rested in midair. My biggest concern, I wasn't sure who I could consider my allies, or why I'd ended up in the possession of ponies, bug creatures, and then ponies again. After drying me off, they placed me on a dry bed, and it occurred to me I wasn't wearing clothes. A soft blanket was placed over me, and that gave me the assurance that they weren't going to start any dissections for the time being. I simply waited as the four ponies left. Finally, the purple pony returned, much drier than she'd been a few hours ago. I sat up, breathing quickly. She could be back for revenge, and I knew she had levitation powers. A breakfast tray, full of pancakes, syrup, and hash sat on the desk next to me. To show I meant business, I picked it up, dumped out the food, and brandished it. She winced, and said something irritably. I cupped my ear, still holding the tray. It looked like she was trying to communicate, and didn't mean harm yet. Another thing I'd learned, if her horn lights up, she's using magic. So if that happens, I should attack. Her brow furrowed for a moment, but understanding dawned on her. She lit of up her horn and I threw the tray at her. I tried to get up in order to continue my attack, but was too weak. In fear, I glanced at where the scalpel had been laid, trying to detect sudden movement. She stomped her hoof angrily, and launched the tray out the window with her telekinetic powers. A cat screeched, and she cringed again. I did too. When her horn sparked to life a second time, I tried to dodge, but only succeeded in flopping my arms. Her horn stopped glowing, and thankfully she hadn't used her scalpel on me. It seemed uncharacteristic of these ponies to treat me so kindly after they kidnapped me. Was it something about their society that I didn't understand? To involuntarily kidnap members of another species, hand them to bug creatures, release them from bug capsules, and then give them a bit of breakfast in the morning? “Can you understand me?” she asked. “What the fuuuuuck,” I droned, too tired to think of anything else to say. “If you can understand me hold up your right limb,” she said. I looked at her, “I can understand you.” “Ah!” she screamed. “Whoah, suddenly sentient, wasn't expecting that.” “I'm talking to a pony.” “Yes,” she said. “And you vomited all over me.” I could only muster a shit-eating grin. “You don't fuck with the-HUUURGPH” She chuckled. “At least this is a start.”