Johns

by Cackling Moron


School daze

Well that had been lovely. Nicely restful and cosy and sedate, with occasional periods of exertion and excitement. Can’t complain, eh?

Back to Ponyville though! Back to the routine, the back and forth. Such is my life now. No bad thing, in my book. Certainly, things could be worse!

I mean, it was kind of bad seeing Celestia shrink into the distance as the train pulled away. That’s never fun. She smiles and waves - surrounded by guards as she is, standing on the platform - and I smile and wave while leaning out the window.

They tell me not to do that but I’m a wildman, me. Can’t contain me!

And no tunnels near the station anyway, so no risk of ending up wandering by the tracks trying to pick up my head after it’s torn from my body, stumbling around while it shouts directions.

Ahem.

But yes, she waves and I wave and it’s nice but it just makes me kind of think that maybe staying in bed with her that day and missing the train wouldn’t have been the worst thing in the world. I mean, it’s always warm and cosy whether it’s her in my bed or me in hers. You know? And it’s not as if the trains would stop running. I’d just miss the one I’d been planning on getting on.

Not the end of the world, right?

Sigh. Sigh! It’s a slippery slope though. I know, I know. Routine exists for a reason, don’t appreciate what you have if it’s all you’ve got etcetera.

Doesn’t make watching her wave goodbye any less unpleasant for me!

Oh yeah and Luna’s there too sometimes. But she doesn’t normally wave.

Honestly I think she’s there to make sure I don’t skip the train and hang around. Hey, it’s smart. I’d probably do the same in her position.

But no sneaking off the train for me. Doubt I could manage it anyway, what with my leg. So instead I just tuck my head back inside the window and sit in the carriage and daydream for the duration of the journey. I’d read something but, uh, kind of been slacking on that. My bad.

Fortunately it’s a scenic journey. Lots of good scenery. Lots to gawp at. Really makes the time fly.

And another princess waiting for me at the other end! Princesses for days! And all so lovely!

“Hello Twilight!” I said, hobbling and stooping my way off the train and onto the platform where, funnily enough, Twilight was waiting.

The smile she gave me was wide indeed, only beaten in width by the one Celestia inexplicably broke out whenever I came back on her end! A princess thing, possibly, though always welcome. The smiles were both very nice.

But then I just like smiles generally, I think. I think I’ve advanced enough to admit this, now.

“Hello John!” She said, wincing a second later on seeing that I was trying to take a knee to get more on her level for a ‘I am back and I am going to hug you’ hug. “It’s fine John, you really don’t-”

“Too late!” I declared, dropping with a grunt. Oh, getting up wasn’t going to be easy.

Twilight continued to look concerned but I just laid my stick down and beckoned her in. Her resolve didn’t last and in she came and hugs were had. Wonderful stuff. The littler ones were just so cuddly!

“Nice to see everything’s still standing. You know Twilight, I’ve learnt a thing or two about this place - kind of convenient I only learnt it after deciding to halfway settle here, hmm?” I asked, in jest, as she curled in against me. I felt her pause.

“...it’s not that bad,” she said, muffled by me in a general sense. I gave her a pat.

“Just pulling your leg.”

Hugging resumed. If I didn’t know any better I’d say she missed me!

With a final squeeze we did manage to disengage after which poor Twilight seemed a little confused as to what to do next. Personally, I got busy with standing upright again which was, as I’d predicted, not that easy. Bad leg day.

“Do you need help?” Twilight asked, but I waved her off and with a heave was back up to standing, where I belonged.

“Still got it,” I said, grinning down at her and doing my best not to fall over sideways. Very bad leg day.

And off we went, Twilight trotting, me limping.

I did like this place. Generally, I mean. Not just Ponyville - ugh, that name though. This whole world is rather pleasant, I find. Agreeably it’s, you know, technically sort of the only place I really ‘know’ in many ways but still. I know enough about where I came from to be pretty certain I have a good deal here.

And out of the two places wherein which I dwelt, I did have to admit that Ponyville topped out over Canterlot. Points in Canterlot’s favour? Celestia, obviously. Big points. Mad points. But Ponyville had the superior atmosphere and a plethora of fun activities - those are strong points!

Ah, spoilt. That’s me. Life of riley.

It was nice being back. I knew it would be - it always was! The trick is getting there, but that’s life really. Once you’ve got going everything just clicks, and it’s the getting going that takes the doing!

Or something.

Point is it was nice to be back and I was rather looking forward to continuing my haphazard bumbling around and making a nuisance of myself. The locals seemed to like it well enough, and in sharp contrast to Canterlot they didn’t stare. They looked my way, sure, but that was so that they could wave and say hello, which was much nicer than staring.

And it wasn’t like I had anything else to do.

First to that big gaudy palace-castle-thing of Twilight’s though, for the train journey had eaten up a big chunk of the day, and I rather wanted a shower. That, and I apparently had something there she was keen to show me. Colour me intrigued.

Turned out that Twilight had inexplicably and without warning invested in a bed that was actually the right size for me. When I expressed my amazement and wondered aloud where she must have got it she told me - off-hand, like it wasn’t a big deal! - that she’d had it made especially! For me! Commissioned the damn thing!

Blimey she’s lovely. What did I do to deserve that? How do I deserve any of this?

“I’m getting you back for this,” I said, once she’d explained that, and the rather pink half-smile she’d been wearing popped away to be replaced with confusion.

“Huh? But I-”

“Look at what you did! This is far too nice! And here’s me having done nothing for you! I’ll figure something out, Twilight, you mark my words. You won’t know what hit you. Now come here, you!”

She was still trying to work out what it was I’d just told her when I struck, and could do nought but squeak as I swept her up into another hug, this one of the ‘You are far too lovely to me’ variety. Different to the welcoming hug. It’s all in the details.

Wonderful girl, Twilight. No idea why she’s so nice to me.

A shower followed this, thence onto dinnertime. With the gang, no less! Imagine my surprise. Apparently a complete coincidence them coming over. Sure, I’ll believe it. Ah, lovely to see them all though. Nice to hear about what had been happening in my absence. Flying around, looking after animals, fashion, apples…

Nothing groundbreaking I’ll admit, but where’s the harm in that?

At one point the conversation wandered - not for the first time - onto whether or not I was ever going to stop staying at Twilight’s, move out and try to get a place of my own around town. All light-hearted discussion of course, just something of a running joke at this point.

I claimed that I was allergic to living anywhere that wasn’t some sort of royal estate or property and, furthermore, had no money and was probably not allowed to own property of my own anyway, being an interdimensional stranger there by accident and all that.

All a joke, obviously. As said.

That did get me thinking though. Dangerous as that is, I’m aware.

I had no idea what my legal status was. Should probably ask someone that at some point. Was I citizen? Did I have rights? I’d heard the term ‘guest’ thrown around a lot but what did that even mean?

Not that I’m, you know, worried or anything. It’s just the sort of thing I should probably pay more attention to, right? That’d be what a normal person would do.

Later, though. I’ll find time for that later. Twilight’s probably got a book on it.

Maybe I can become a citizen! Is there a test? Ooh, not sure how I’d do on any tests. But still. Just imagine! Me! Equestrian citizen! I could get a passport! Hah! Ahahaha!

I kill me.

And then it was dessert and then dinner wrapped up and we were waving that lot off on their way home and then it was bedtime. More of a going from here-to-there sort of a day than anything else but I’d expected that - tomorrow, I was sure, would be busier!

-

Tomorrow started auspiciously enough, with tea. I sat at one of the many, many tables the place had to sit at, just staring into space wondering where this tea was actually being imported from. If anywhere.

Down the road? Who knew?

This rich and fruitful avenue of contemplation was interrupted by the appearance of Twilight, accompanied by someone I had not ever seen before. Or, rather, had seen before but never met in a social capacity. Distinction without a whole lot of difference.

She was kind of red, I think? And the personification - ponification? Ugh, no, that sounds awful - of perky. Just radiated from her before she’d even said anything. Like a heat haze!

If I wasn’t already a massive softy it seemed pretty likely that her presence alongside Twilight’s would have made me one on the spot. Just so adorable and nice! Could have been here for any reason, I’d be putty in their hands! Er, hooves.

Fucking ponies! Argh! You’re infecting my brain with your insistent terminology.

...though I guess they really don’t have hands, they can’t help that.

“A fine morning to you, Twilight, and an equally fine morning to you, uh - ?” I asked, doing my best not to look too much like I’d been lost in thought.

“Cheerilee,” said Cheerilee, cheerily. Fitting.

“Good morning Cheerilee,” I said, giving her a good morning nod.

I assumed there was a reason for this happening and looked over to Twilight, figuring she’d be the one to explain what the deal was. In this I was not disappointed.

“Good morning, John!” She said, stepping forward. “Cheerilee was wondering - if you weren’t busy - whether you wouldn’t mind visiting class today.”

Okay, didn’t see that one coming I’ll admit.

“...what?”

Cheerilee herself stepped forward at this, obviously figuring that she could do a better job of explaining what it was she wanted than having it delivered second-hand while she stood there like a sinking pudding. Fair play to her.

“Um. Okay.”

I’m not a teacher so maybe this would make more sense to someone who was? Certainly, there was nothing in Cheerilee’s face that suggested the possibility that this wasn’t a good idea had even crossed her mind.

Then again, she doesn’t really know me that well, so that might be why.

“Well, as you can clearly see I’m extraordinarily busy, but I’m sure I could squeeze you in,” I said, waving my mug around. If Cheerilee could tell I was joking it wasn’t obvious, she just smiled wider. Jesus. Could anyone look happier?

“Great! Class starts pretty soon so…”

She let that hang. I got the point and finished my tea.

“I’ll hobble after you. Uh, I won’t be able to tell them about, you know, humans or where I’m from or anything. You know that, right?” I asked, groping gently for a way out even as I was standing up. Cheerilee did not seem bothered.

“That’s fine.”

I thought for other problems. There were lots, so I just picked one at random.

“I haven’t been fully CRB checked,” I said.

“I don’t know what that means but I’m sure that’s fine too. You’re not going to bite any of the children, are you?”

What. Again with the what.

“As a rule I thought biting children was something best avoided?” I asked. Just to be sure.

“It is,” she said, totally sincere. I swallowed and then said:

“Then I shall not do it.”

“Great!”

That’s a pretty low bar, lady.

Still, that basically settled that, that was my day sorted, I guess? I waved goodbye to Twilight and followed Cheerilee off and out and onward to school, apparently. What a time to be alive.

The school turned out to be a wonderfully quaint little building, but that was hardly a surprise. ‘Wonderfully quaint’ summed up pretty much all of Ponyville. I had to duck to get in but that wasn’t unusual either, and then it was me standing beside a desk and in front of a chalkboard while Cheerilee was around and about herding pupils.

And in came the kids in spits and giggling spurts.

How were their eyes so big when they were so ickle? Surely this was unfair? Surely there should be rules against this sort of thing?

Some of them I vaguely recognised, having made one of my extremely famous definitely-a-bear bear’s for them. Couldn’t name any of them, though. Because they hadn’t given me their names at the time. And I would have forgotten anyway.

Fuck but they were adorable though. Terrifying, given the way they were staring at me stood up by the desk as I was, but still. Terrifyingly adorable. I just sort of stayed swaying on the spot, frozen and looming.

Once the last of the kids had been herded in and sat down Cheerilee herself entered, shut the door and took her own seat. There followed the comfortingly familiar back-and-forth ‘Good morning’ sort of thing that happened in schools - ah, took me back! Then came an introduction for me, through which I just stood awkwardly.

I was - apparently - there to help her out, whatever that meant. Handing out pencils and such as it rapidly became apparent, and to just render what help pupils might require. Again, whatever that meant. I think I was just there for novelty value if I’m being honest. Can’t complain about that I suppose.

Mostly though, my presence served primarily to distract the children.

I failed to see any educational value in this.

The questions started even before I’d finished assisting in handing out the materials, one tiny little kid piping up in my shadow:

“Is it true you kissed Princess Celestia?”

Damn punk kids! Impertinent questions! What was this? I looked to Cheerilee in the hopes that maybe she’d exert some authority and clamp down on this foolishness but she showed no signs of wanting to do this. If anything, she looked interested in the answer!

Wasn’t this widely known already anyway?! Hadn’t I done that to myself? That whole thing before? Had only part of that managed to make its way into the group consciousness?

Bah. Hot nonsense.

“She kissed me!” I said, firmly. Though on the followup I was a lot less firm sounding: “Uh, since then it’s kind of been a bit, ah, less lopsided I suppose but, uh - anyway! Why are kids asking about this? Not appropriate! No more questions!”

This was greeted with a deeply disappointed ‘aww’ from everyone, even Cheerilee. I gritted my teeth.

“Fine, just a few more. But then I’m sure you all have work to do! Next question! You! With the - you in the back!”

I’d been a hair away from saying ‘you with the hooves’. Wouldn’t have narrowed it down.

A handful of other questions followed, what had clearly been an unspoken eagerness among the kids now bubbling to the surface now that the first query had been loosed. So to speak. A couple more of them concerned Celestia and these I mostly deflected, a couple others were about humans and these I just couldn’t really answer. Did my best though, and the kids seemed satisfied enough.

Thankfully, Cheerilee did step in before too long and bring them all back onto the topic at hand, which was learning. This was their futures we were talking about here, after all!

I spent the rest of the morning assisting here and there with this and that, doling out further pencils, collecting papers, sitting the corner and staring into space. Once or two I aided with arithmetic - which I could manage - and was also called upon to aid in spelling - which I could not manage, given how I still couldn’t, you know, read all that good.

A lot of them were probably more literate than I was, to be fair. What was the language called again? Mareain, wasn’t it?

This place, honestly...

At some point in the day a bell ring and signalled breaktime, the time at which all the little kids got up to go outside and run around in circles screaming, as children are wont to do.

I was tasked with overseeing this, again, whatever that meant. Mostly I just stood around keeping an eye out for any ruckus that looked to be getting too intense.

Once or twice when one of the kids fell over flat on their face - again, as kids are wont to do - I picked them up, dusted them down and told them they were alright, at which point their sniffling stopped and they started running and screaming again.

Kids. Fucking indestructible.

And then at some point one of them wanted a leg up onto my shoulder, so they could enjoy the view. This seemed fine to me and not a big deal so I stooped a little and let them get on with it, much to their delight.

Turns out though that once one of them had done it and the others had seen them do it they all suddenly wanted to do it. The first few to come bouncing around my ankles asking got the primo spots - shoulders, head - but after that they started just trying to latch on anywhere they could.

I learnt - too late, as it happens - that while individually not that heavy, altogether they formed a mass and a weight greater than the sum of their parts. That they kept on wriggling didn’t help either. That’s what really put paid to my already shaky balance.

And down I went. Backwards, so as not to squash anyone, but still. I fell over and landed with an oof, left staring up at the sky.

For some inexplicable reason this served as some kind of unspoken signal for the kids who, as one, descended upon me en masse. I found myself buried beneath giggling bodies.

“They’re all over me! They’re in my hair!” I cried, to no avail. If anything it just made them giggle harder!

Cold-blooded!

Who could say how long I struggled there? Trampled harmlessly beneath tiny, squishy hooves? Was this to be my end? Would I ever see daylight again?

I think one of them stepped in my mouth. Urgh. You don’t know where I’ve been, kid.

The bell rang again and I heard it in a distant way and it was like a signal - well, it was a signal - and all at once the kids dashed back inside. I kept on flailing around for a few seconds after this mostly because it had just become a reflex at this point, but once it sunk in that I was no longer being swarmed I stopped, sheepishly, and let myself just flop limp.

Cheerilee’s head appeared above me, blocking out the sun.

“Are you okay?” She asked, peering at me, plainly concerned.

“That was an experience,” I said, squinting up at her.

She offered me a hand up but I politely declined. Or politely declined her offer of a hoof up, I suppose. While I was are of the prodigious strength of the not-pegasus not-unicorn ones - earth ponies, I believed they were called - it still left a bad taste in mouth to rely on it. I’m not a small chap, after all. Just doesn’t sit right with me.

Now Celestia? She can and does haul me around like a bag of flour when the situation calls for it. With her I don’t mind though. Even though I’m taller - this is important! - she’s probably maybe a little bigger on the whole, so her doing that is less offensive to my irrational sensibilities.

That, and it’s rather...novel...being manhandled from time to time. By a nice, pretty lady with a nice, pretty voice.

...maybe this says more about me…

Anyway!

Point is I got back up, dusted myself off and the both of us went inside again.

The rest of the day went largely as the morning had, and was - I will admit - not all that bad. Kids were cute, most of their questions were fairly easily handled and eventually I even got a chair to sit in, for which my leg was profoundly thankful.

All-in-all not the worst day I’ve had.

It wound up some time in the early afternoon, business concluded, children all galavanting off to do whatever it was they would be doing from then on. All barring a handful, at least, who were hanging around and who seemed to be waiting for something.

I found them in the corridor outside after I’d apologised to a nonplussed Cheerilee and excused myself.

“You alright there?” I asked and they jumped.

Two of them seemed to be playing backup for a third, who appeared close to bottling. They resolved however, and drew themselves up as much as they could being a teeny tiny babby pony.

“Mr John?” They asked, adorably.

Oh my God! ‘Mr’ John! This is the cutest thing I’ve ever been subjected to! Be still, my heart!

“Need something?” I asked, heaving down onto one knee. I seemed to do this a lot these days, and it wasn’t getting any easier. By the time I’d done that the kid had produced from their bag - somehow - one of those definitely-bears I’d made.

“He’s broken,” they said.

And this bear was thrust towards me. Bemused, I took it.

I held the bear - or what was left of it - up for a better look. It dangled, horrifically.

“What did they do to you?” I breathed.

“Can you fix him?” Asked the kid, snapping me back to the moment. With effort I pulled my eyes away from what had happened to the bear. I cleared my throat.

“Are you children familiar with the term ‘write off’?” I asked.

They were not. In the end I just told them I’d take the bear away and see what I could do, which meant that I would probably be supplying a fresh one at some point. I would give the original a proper burial, brave soldier that he was.

But that would be something I could do later. Tomorrow, perhaps. For now I was pooped and I had a big, slightly-interesting day on which to vent to Twilight, so I went about tracking her down. The castle being the size it was and me not exactly being the speediest this took longer than I expected, but I found her in the end - reading a book on her bed in her room.

“Knock knock,” I said, entering. She did the same to me and neither of us ever seemed to mind much. I immediately stumped over to the bed and collapsed forward over it, bouncing her half a foot. Again, this was just something that we did.

“Kids! They’re exhausting! I’m bushed,” I said, stretching. Twilight turned a page.

“Not want any of your own, then?” She asked, casually. I nearly fell off the bed.

“Holy sh- okay, first, how would that even work? Could that even work? Second, you blindsided me that one Twilight, Jesus. Well done.”

It quickly became clear that she had meant nothing by it, or at least nothing so specific or so insinuated. She was redder than I was!

“I just meant generally! N-not specifically!” She hastily clarified. The idea amused me greatly.

“Can one generally acquire children?” I asked.

“I don’t know!”

I got the impression she hadn’t fully thought the question through before asking it. We’d all been there. Hey, I practically lived there.

With an obvious exercise of will Twilight calmed herself, taking a breath, putting her bookmark in, closing her book and setting it down atop the duvet just beside her, all of this down with exquisite and clearly intentional poise.

“Heh, generally acquired children…” I said, mostly just to puncture her calm.

I knew what she meant, obviously, but still, I just liked seeing her flustered. It was cute! No court in the land would convict me!

Didn’t work anyway. She just sandbagged me, smiled, and said:

“There was something I was going to run past you, actually. Handy you came here when you did.”

“That’s why I came here when I did,” I lied. Twilight rolled with it.

“Considerate,” she said.

“That is the one word people always use for me, yes.”

Twilight continued, unwilling to be distracted by my flippant bullshittery:

“In a few days I’m actually meant to be going to the Crystal Empire. Not anything official, just kind of a low-key family thing. See Shining, see Cadence, that sort of thing.”

These were all places and people I was semi-familiar with, at least in passing. Certainly, I’d heard them mentioned once or twice. I knew they existed.

“Very nice. First I’ve heard of such a trip!” I said. Nice to know Twilight had other shit she did.

“Well, I was waiting for confirmation and I got it while you were out, so,” she said. I nodded. All sounded about right to me.

“Ah, I see. So up North, eh?”

‘North’ was about the extent of what I knew of this empire place. That and it was grim up there. Or at least cold. Exact levels of grimness open to debate.

“Quite a bit North, yes. But, uh, well, I was wondering if you wanted to come along?” Twilight asked, tentatively. I blinked. Day of unexpected invitations, this!

“Me? Didn’t you say it was a family thing?” I asked. Twilight shrugged and grinned the tiniest bit sheepishly.

“Kind of, yeah. But I’m sure they wouldn’t mind. I just thought you might like to see the Crystal Empire. And you’ll get to meet Cadence.”

This was certainly a selling point, me seeing cool new stuff and folks. I mean, why not?

“Ooh, the mysterious other princess,” I said.

“She’s not that mysterious…”

“Well I’ve never met her so that’s pretty mysterious to me. I’ll have met them all after this! I can compare and contrast. Don’t worry though,” I leaned in, put a hand up to my mouth and whispered: “You’re comfortably in second place for me right now. Think you’re pretty safe there.”

Twilight’s grin returned only less sheepishly this time, and more generally.

“Luna won’t be happy I beat her,” she said.

Hah, sure. I blew a raspberry.

“Oh no, Luna’s first, obviously. Celestia’s like, a distant third,” I said. “Thinks she’s so big with all that...stuff of hers that I...like…”

I kind of fumbled that one. I coughed and moved on, pretending that it might be possible that Twilight hadn’t noticed me eating shit on my own punchline.

“I like this idea, Twilight! More of the world! Interesting new vistas. This is a couple days from now, you say?”

“Yes,” she said. I’d have to knock that bear out double time! Or else put it off until I’d come back. Hmm...

“Just you and me going up, I take it?” I asked.

“Yes. Is that okay?”

“No reason why it wouldn’t be, dear friend. This going to affect my, uh, back-and-forth arrangement? Should I send Celestia a letter or…?”

Not that it was like a dealbreaker, I just figured that Celestia might be confused and alarmed if I apparently just dropped off the face of the planet without telling her. Kind of a dick move, that.

“I can do that,” said Twilight.

She’s so handy to have around! Time to get some Northern exposure!

“Capital stuff! More royalty in my life can only be a good thing.”