Pinkie Pie's Problematically Private Passion's Parental Personages Presented Perpostorously Prior Publishing Previously Paraphrased Preoccupation

by Masterweaver

Purely Hypothetical Situations

"So! Cookies. I am an expert on cookies, and cakes, and all kinds of pastries, and a number of other sugary things! I can even make a fondue-style sundae."

The expression on Summer's face would be best described as disbeliving curiosity. "Really? Fondue-style? That's... what does that even mean?"

"Well, it's kind of complicated to get the ice cream to the right consistency while still keeping it cold enough to be ice cream. It's closer to froyo anyway. And you have to have the dish heated to just the right temperature and keep it adjusted at all times... I guess I could show you," Pinkie mused, "but not right now. I don't have the fondue dish on me."

"Fondue-style sundae. Huh." The woman shrugged, closing the oven. "Learn something new every day."

"I guess so!" Pinkie cleared her throat. "Like... I don't know... learning that an interpol agent is pseudomarried to an international thief and, uh, whatever weird backstory that your husband has."

"And what makes you think he has a weird backstory?" Summer asked with an amused smirk.

"You said it yourself, he's the reason there even is a relationship."

"I did say that, didn't I?" Summer shrugged. "Well, it'll be his decision whether he shares his past with you."

"Right." Pinkie nodded. "Right... so... those ankle monitors that miss Magpie has--"

"Raven's under house arrest."

"No, I'm pretty sure I got that, just..." Pinkie took a breath. "Hy-po-thet-ic-al-ly.... Let's say that she decided to try to remove them or something..."

"Well," Summer mused thoughtfully, "if I were to catch her performing such a dastardly deed, I would of course be obligated to report it and take measures to restrain her more than she already is. I could speculate as to how she accomplished the act of sabotaging such a device, of course, but stopping her would legally be paramount. If, however, I discovered Raven had removed the device while she wasn't in my sight, I could examine it at my leisure after cuffing her."

"Aaaaaaand if, say, there was a witness to the event...?"

"Such a witness would have to be chastised for allowing it to happen and interrogated for information regarding the event, especially in the purely theoretical case where they took video on their phone of Raven managing to somehow circumvent one of our recent and most high-tech restraints under the guise of, say, timing her."

Pinkie nodded slowly. "But, strictly speaking, since Raven is technically your responsibility, the witness would not suffer any legal repercussions, and the video provided would outline the weaknesses of the ankle monitor, which could afford you leniency from your superiors if it were used to develop a more robust and harder to subvert model in the future."

"That's certainly a benefit that neither I nor Raven have thought of," Summer agreed, raising her hand to show off her crossed fingers. "But I'm sure that she has enough respect for the law to not at all attempt such a thing while I'm here looking over cookies." She winked surreptitiously.

"You're entitled to your beliefs," Pinkie replied, winking back. "So! Here we are, in the kitchen, with an oven. Are we going to talk about cookies? Because like I said I am an expert on cookies."

"We could," Summer allowed. "Or we could talk about your brazen and obvious crush on my daughter."

"Wh--Whaaaaaaaaat are you talking about?" Pinkie drawled, casually leaning against the fridge. "I mean, that is quite the accusation to make. Me, crushing on Ruby Rose, psssssh. That's like, probably tabloid material right? Manifestation of Laughter falls for head of the Church of the Divine Bacon Horse. Heck that's not even tabloid material, a few years ago that would have been clickbait nonsense. I can appreciate a silly story a lot more than the average person, but really miss Rose I would have thought an interpol agent wouldn't read such things and take them seriously."

"Oh I don't," Summer replied. "But I've read your file. And for your whole visit here you've been acting extremely out of character."

"I'm having... an off day. Because of, you know, the whole thing where my sisters kinda misinterpreted events and decided to protect me by fighting your daughters which I know sounds bad but it was actually only Limestone who did that and Maud just wanted to talk to Ruby and! And Sunny because they are both members of the Church and they did want to talk to the other bishops but by sheer happenstance Limestone ran into Ruby first and then Sunny misinterpreted her aggression and then they fought but Maud talked them down and it was all totally just a misunderstanding about how the church has been treating me which is not Ruby's fault and you're not buying any of this for a second are you."

"Nope," Summer agreed. "Especially since you knew I was talking about Ruby and not Sunny."

"Yeah, that's--wait, quick check, I kind of assumed you were her biomom, and Raven was Sunny's... that is right, right?"

"Biologically, yes. Family-wise, we're both their moms."

"Okay! Okay, sorry I..." Pinkie giggled, awkwardly running her fingers through her hair. "I sometimes make bad assumptions and I don't think things through and... yeeeeeah, you're their moms, didn't mean to imply otherwise. But I don't have a crush, and if I did it wouldn't be brazen or obvious, because Ruby clearly hasn't noticed so it can't exist, right?"

"Uh-huh." Summer crossed her arms. "Right, since you're clearly going to dance around this the whole time you're here, I'll be direct. What are your intentions toward my daughter?"

"I intend to confess my undying love and upon earning her heart sweep her off her feet and lead her into an eternal fantasy of sugary sweets and magic punctuated by awesome monster-fighting adventures and the occasional bout of eight-hour sex which may or may not include any number of other participants and inevitably lead to us adopting a minimum of twelve children to start a family so we can grow old together and eventually accept our lives as the most loving and deep experience we could have had," Pinkie Pie did not say, because despite all evidence to the contrary she did have a few survival instincts.

"Can, uh.... Can I get back to you on that?" she asked instead.

"Wow." Summer quirked an eyebrow. "You've got it bad, huh?"

"Um... is... love ever really bad?" Pinkie offered hesitantly.

"It is if it's the kind of love that leads people to kill anyone who's had contact with the object of their affections. Or to try to force their 'love' to love them back."

For a moment, the silence in the kitchen was accompanied by Raven's loud cursing in the living room and a mysterious clanking coming from the backyard.

"...You don't seriously think I--"

"Not seriously," Summer replied, "but I do have the whole protection instinct writing up worst case scenarios in my head and... well, I've read your file, I know you're not exactly a bastion of mental stability."

Pinkie crossed her arms with a huff. "Why'd you read a darn file on me?"

"Well, my daughter became the pope of a religion centered around a VIP responsible for holding the world together, so the higher-ups gave me files on Sunset and her friends to read."

"Why do I even have a file--no, wait, stupid question." Pinkie rolled her eyes. "It's because of all the Party incidents, isn't it?"

"And because of how you're the manifestation of laughter," Summer added. "Kind of more important."

"Right, that, yeah..." Pinkie threw up her hands. "Geez, I don't know how I feel about this! I mean, how would you like it if I read your file?"

"Tell you what, if you ever actually get out of your denial and really start dating Ruby, I'll let you read it." Summer paused. "Well, the parts that aren't classified or redacted. You know, governmental security and all that. Which... actually isn't really fair to you at all, is it?"

"It really isn't," Pinkie agreed. "Especially since I am not crushing on your daughter in any way, shape, or form. Nope! I am a totally crush-free Pinkie Pie who absolutely has only platonic admiration for Ruby Rose and--"

"You have no idea how to confess to her do you."

"--oh my god no I don't I don't have a clue I know it's weird to ask you since you're her mom but please please please please please pleeeeeeeease help me!" Pinkie cried, falling to her knees and grasping Summer's pants with an expression of pure desperation.

"Alright! Alright, I do have a few ideas, but maybe we should talk about them later. The cookies are almost done, which means--"

"Aha!" Raven cried triumphantly. "Take that you piece of scrap metal!"

"--that I need to go handcuff my wife," Summer finished smoothly. "Could you handle the cookies for me? Plates are in that cabinet, bring them to the den once they're ready."