Dear Twilight and Friends,
While our vacation did not go as planned from what we understand your attempt at holding the swan festival was a complete disaster. You know Twilight, my sister and I took a vacation when we did to see if you were up to the task of putting on a simple festival but all of you have let both of us down. I'm not sure about Luna but I honestly am beginning to question whether we should retire or not now. Yes you have handled all sorts of evil shit, including Tirek at his worst but if you can't handle a simple swan festival, then maybe the two of us should either stay in power or put Starlight on the throne instead. Too bad her and Trixie took a girls' trip to Las Pegasus because I know they would have put this together just fine.
Your time to prove to me that you and your friends are fit to rule is running short and as of right now, I don't think any of you are up to it. You know the old saying "If you want something right, you have to do it yourself?" I am beginning to think that is the best policy and besides, after the type of vacation that Luna and I had, we realized that simply living life like a commoner isn't for us. You however, still behave like a commoner so remaining a lower tier princess and head mare of a shitty friendship school should be sufficient for you.
Knowing You're Not Fit to Rule (Yet),
Princess Celestia
P.S. Luna and I also saw how you couldn't handle the sun and moon and we know you broke that amulet so that is another strike against you. Hell we should have just waited until Starlight got home because with her superior genetics, she could have handled everything just fine without an amulet!
Dear Princess Celestia,
What, seriously? Here you are bitching about how we couldn't handle a festival? Look at the two of you, both of you are either too stupid or too lazy to handle Equestria's biggest villains. When was the last time you did that, over a thousand years ago? I know you at one time promised my friends and I that we could take over but I know what your real plan is. Your real plan is not to stay in power, your real plan is to wait until the right moment and put your precious Starlight and her little marefriend on the throne. I know that because you are constantly praising Starlight and begging the big brass to let you ascend her and to allow her to marry Trixie.
You know what Sunbutt, I honestly thought that we were going to grow close again but whenever something like this comes along and I don't do a perfect job, you use that as an excuse to deny me what is rightfully mine. You make an excuse to prevent me and my friends from becoming the rulers of Equestria. Hell I wouldn't be one bit surprised if you aren't already getting things ready for some lavish celebration involving not just Starlight being ascended and marrying Trixie, but a celebration for her becoming QUEEN, EMPRESS or whatever title that would truly make her my superior.
Just you wait though, I will eventually prove that I belong on the throne and with me, you won't have a leader with all the baggage Starlight has. I would focus on my job and not a special somepony, especially one as bad as Trixie! Do know this though, in the end it will be me on the throne and my friends being my subordinates, I mean assistants.
Ready to Rule Soon,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
P.S. Oh yes, there you go with your Starlight worship again. Look, I know you're hiding something and you bringing up her genetics is one step closer to confirming my suspicions. Look Tia, you don't have to hide it from me anymore. I know that she is most likely your daughter. How about this, if you tell me the truth I won't tell anypony else, alright?
Dear Fancy Pants,
Twilight told me what an asshole you were while she was trying to set up that stupid swan celebration that I should have eradicated before you were born and lets just say I am not happy. Because of your behavior I have decided to fine you 100 million bits and I am also ordering that you pay me an extra 100 million bits to give to a pony who is very special to me. In total that equals 200 million bits and if you do not pay up by this time tomorrow, I will not only seize your assets and flog you 200 million times but I will seize the assets of every rich piece of shit in Canterlot. So which is it? Will only one wealthy asshole pay up or will I be collecting from all of them?
You can however get out of these fines and give Fleur de Lis to me as an offering. You see, I have some ponies who have dirt on me and if I can give them a present, I could sleep much easier. Now don't worry, I will dissolve your marriage upon arrival so that any kind of seducing you may do will not count as cheating. I do have some advice though, despite her wanting you, don't go after Rarity because it would be a crying shame if I was to have to give her as an offering to those ponies that have dirt on me too.
So regardless, I will be seeing you soon. Whichever method of payment you choose, I win!
Victorious Over You,
Princess Celestia
Princess Bitchlestia,
Seriously, you are expecting me to pay you 200 million bits in fines solely out of spite? Look, I am rich but even I don't have 200 million bits and because of that, I have to give you my wife just so you can give her as a present to some ponies who have dirt on you? What I would like to know is what kind of plans those four ponies would have for her once you give her to them. Whatever it is, I know it is likely something horrible but I suppose I will have to hand her over to you. I know how you are, if I don't you'd probably seize all my assets AND come abduct her in the middle of the night. Do know this, I along with all the wealthy ponies in Canterlot will go to the papers and expose you for all of this.
Ready to Expose You,
Fancy Pants
Fancy Pants,
Guess what, nopony in this country is going to believe the rants of a rich snob such as you or any of the other rich snobs in Equestria so I have nothing to worry about. Now bring Fleur to the palace upon receiving this letter or else!
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Bitchlestia,
Fine, I will bring her over right now. I don't feel like you seizing all my assets.
Fancy Pants
Dear Colgate, Moondancer, Twinkleshine and Lemon Hearts,
I have some absolutely amazing news for you. I have an absolutely spectacular present for you, a very sexy present. Now you can't have this present until after the series is over. It isn't some hot little pegasus with a bow in her mane but this one is much better than that, it can give you what you give it. Now don't worry, once I give you everything else you wanted, I will force your present to marry all four of you and then you will have a second domestic slave, I mean wife, that you can abuse and force to put out at any time you damn well please. I do know one thing for sure, you four will love it!
Having a Gift for You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
You have a present for us? Now that is fucking sweet! Yeah it sucks that you can't give her to us before the series is over but at least now we will be guaranteed to have a second slave, we mean wife to clean up our castle and it sounds like she is a unicorn so that will make life even better. Now it is just a matter of who will get to break her in. Thanks in advance!
Sincerely,
Colgate, Moondancer, Lemon Hearts and Twinkleshine
P.S. I just got to thinking about something, since this one will be a unicorn she can join us in giving it to Flutterbitch. Why have Flutters be the sex slave of only four ponies when enslaving her to a fifth will be even more fun! - Colgate