//------------------------------// // Rad: But it's Basically Fight Club // Story: Dan Vs. The Magic of Friendship(Season 1) // by Barrobroadcaster //------------------------------// When Dan had been beaten senseless, Cap only beat him a dozen more times before stopping. His head rebounded off the shield and dirt so many times, he might as well have had it inside a bell. He felt like he could see the ringing in his head. Cap's own head started ringing a bit from all the vibrations of smacking it against the shield. He stood up and yanked the shield out of Dan's weak grasp and tossed it aside, then did the same with Dan. Again, Dan slowly staggered to his feet. "I can... I-auuuhh... auughhh..." And then he fell over again. Somewhere in his mind, the part of it that was still functional thought, 'I hate New Cap. I wish they'd bring back the Old Cap. They could even call him Cap Classic.' That part of Dan's brain wasn't currently focused on the battle, but then again, the rest of him was getting whipped back and forth on the ground like a sack of laundry. A sock even loosed from the bag- wait, I mean, oh crap. Yeah... yeah, that's one of Dan's socks, actually. There goes the shoe with it. How did the sock fly off first? That doesn't even make sense; he'd have to have not been wearing it inside his shoe and... great. Now I'm questioning the physics of this story. Fan-fuckening-tastical. But actually, physics themselves weren't quite working the way they should or usually did because of Equestria's destruction. They weren't ever quite normal, but they were a bit better than this. Finally, when Cap had had enough, he prepared to step on Dan. "If... if you no break... maybe you squish. SQUISH! SQUISHY SQUASHY LIKE LITTLE BUG! HA HA HA HA!" He dropped his foot down on Dan's head. Dan, by some last measure of his strength, grabbed it with his hands and prevented it from crushing him. Cap gritted his teeth and pressed down harder with his boot, pressing Dan's own hands against his face. With all that was left of his might, Dan held it back. Still, the boot pressed, and it was only a matter of time before Cap put his full weight on Dan and crushed his head like a melon. In fact, Captain Corrupted America was about to do just that when something exploded into his side. *Boom!* The massively bulked Cap staggered forward, missing Dan's head with his foot and stumbling. He still stood, however, and turned in the direction of whatever shot him in the back. If Dan had been mentally or physically inclined at that moment, he might've reminded his friend Steve that one should never turn in the direction you're being fired on from. The next missile hit Captain America right in the face. *Boom!* Cap had a split second to look confused at the object about to hit him before it smashed into his jaw and exploded. His perplexed, slow-witted expression was scorched as the bloated avenger toppled over and fell like a stone. "What's this? Interference!! Don't make me call off this match!" Blaster shots interrupted the Dark Magistrate's speech, forcing him to retreat behind a rafter. A dazed Dan lay on his back, looking straight up as the massive stadium lights danced in his vision. He needed medical attention. And he was about to get it from an unlikely source. A green figure jetted overhead and landed next to him. A pair of firm hands grabbed him by his shoulders and propped him up. When his vision started to come around again, he saw his reflection. Dan saw his reflection in the black polished helmet visor of Boba Fett. "Did you miss me?" "BOBY!" Dan exclaimed, and threw his arms around the bounty hunter. "Oh, Boby, it's so nice you could come all the way from Cincinnati to see us. How's grandma?" "Right then. This is gonna sting." Without hesitation, Boba jabbed Dan with a massive green vial attached to a syringe. An adrenal stimulant injector. "Oh... oh," Dan said as the stimulants instantly flowed through his veins. The fog left his mind and the room suddenly went back into focus. "Oh... man, what was that?" "The first dose." "The first dose of wha-AHCK!" Boba hit him again with a different injector. "Oh... crap, that is some good stuff, whatever it is. I feel great! What- what did you just inject me with?" "That last one was concentrated bacta, a potent healing substance. It'll heal your injuries and recover your stamina. The first one was refined Quesh venom extract." "Oh... great. Wait, did you say venom?!" "Move." Boba grabbed him by the shoulders and jetted out of the way as Cap's trunk-like arm came crashing down. Even being held and saved by the man, Dan found it in himself to grab Boba Fett by his collar. "YOU INJECTED ME WITH VENOM? WHAT EVEN IS A QUESH?!" "You'll be fine," Fett said, like everything that was happening to them was business as usual. Which, for him, it mostly was. "They give out stronger stuff Huttball players. It's just to get you back on your feet. Side-effects should be minimal." Dan gummed his lips and scratched himself. "My tongue tastes weird and I think I peed a little." "That was probably from before I got here." "And exactly WHY are you here, again?" Dan asked. Both men jerked forward a bit as the edge of Captain America's fingers caught the tip of Boba's boot. The enlarged human was jumping at them, trying to reach them as they hovered overhead. "You gave me a free meal. I pay back all my debts." Dan looked perplexed for a moment. "Wait, the canned stew? You're saving my life because of that?" "Debt's a debt." "Okay, gonna stock up on the canned goods from now on in the event that honor-bound mercenaries come to visit. Good to know," Dan said. Boba had been trying to get a shot at the Magistrate when Captain America grabbed them yet again, this time getting a firmer grip on Boba's boot. Boba dropped Dan, but the human was so pumped full of chemicals he didn't even feel it. He was on his feet in an instant and charged the massive form of the Corrupted Captain America. "Hahaha! You're in for it now, Stevie! I've never been on steroids before but let's see how you like me now that I've added roid to my rage!!!" Dan ran up to Captain America. Cap spun around just in time to see him closing in. Dan delivered an uppercut right into the taller man's stomach. Dan's hand hurt. "OWW!! Owww..." he waved his hand rapidly, dissipating the pain. "Why don't I have super roid monkey strength now?!" "Because those weren't steroids! It was a medicinal infusion and an adrenal stimulant. Basically, a fast-acting injected ointment and antiseptic and an energy booster," Boba said, still struggling with Cap's grip. "Oh, great. So like a quicker version of bandages and coffee." "More like tea. It's higher caffeine content." "Wonderful, now I'll never hear the end of it from-" Cap swept with his leg. He was trying to hold on to the wily bounty hunter and stomp Dan at the same time. It was at this time, as he was dodging Cap's leg, that Dan noticed something on the back of Cap's uniform. Specifically, on the man's back was a splotch of pink. It looked like he was leaking something from his suit. "Hey! Boba!" "What?!" "Distract him!" Boba was a man of few words. He did not question Dan, at least not out loud. While still being held by Captain America, Boba sprayed him with an oil slick. This had the purpose of freeing him and also further enraging the Captain. The grotesque human staggered back a bit, then reached for Boba again. The bounty hunter fired his whip cable at the man's enlarged, overly-muscled neck and it wrapped around it. Boba then engaged his jetpacks boosters and began pulling him forward. Dan saw he had his opening. He ran up to the larger human, climbed on top of his massive frame and ripped open the back of his badly-stretched uniform. And he saw what he needed to see. "Boby! Hey!" "What now?" Cap quickly grabbed the lasso around his neck and yanked it. Boba shot forward but remained in control. Arms around his neck, Dan was now riding the larger man, but not for long. "Hit him in the back! Hit in the back with every-woaaaaAAAHH!" Cap grabbed Dan and tossed him again. But Boba had heard what he needed to hear. The bounty hunter circled Captain America. From behind, he saw what Dan was talking about: a crevice cut deep into the man's back. Pink slime dripped from the opening, like a strange substance in place of blood. So Boba fired a missile at it. *BLAM* Cap dropped Dan and stumbled forward. His face was twisted in an expression of constipated pain. He turned quickly to face Boba. "Reeerrrr... REEEEEEEEEEErrrrrrr. RAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGG!" He leaped at Boba Fett just as he was reloading with another missile. The larger human grabbed the armored flying one and slammed him into the ground, crushing his jetpack. He punched Boba's helmeted face several times, denting the Mandalorian armor horribly. Fortunately, Dan was quick on his feet. He grabbed the fallen missile, climbed Captain America's back and slammed it into the large cut between his shoulders. Captain America then grabbed Dan off of him and held him up high, preparing to slam him down right next to, or possibly into, Boba Fett. But as Cap did this, he turned his back to Boba Fett. And the bounty hunter still had his rifle. He took aim at the missile lodged in Cap's back and fired. *BLAAAMM* Dan dropped to the ground. Cap staggered forward yet again. His body quivered and shook, muscles contorted and squirmed like a half-formed mold exposed to too much heat. Dan helped Boba to his feet. Like himself, the human was surprisingly resilient. "Did... did we get him?" Dan asked. Boba was silent. He raised his gauntlet and fired a whip at the man's leg. It wrapped around him as he staggered forward, but tripped him and he fell over. The mutant Captain America hit the ground face first. "Yes," Boba said. *BOOM!* And Captain America's body exploded. Dan and Boba Fett were covered in pink goo. Dan then realized why Boba almost always had his helmet on. "My tongue tastes weird again." "I think I peed a little," Boba admitted. "Me too," Dan said. "Me three," Cap added. "Stevie?!" Dan spun around. Rising from the exploded carcass of the corrupted Cap was the real Cap, also covered in pink goo. And naked. "Stevie!!" Dan exclaimed, running over to him. "Stevie, I knew that wasn't you! And... at the same time, it was you. But it wasn't you. Because of the... brainwashing or something. You know the deal." "Yeah, I kind-of do, I guess. Thanks. Umm," he looked around. "I suppose you wouldn't know where my clothes were." The Brooklynite carefully covered his sensitive areas. "No, but we got your shield," Boba said, handing it to the man. Cap then used the shield to cover aforementioned areas. "Ladies and gentlemen, did I not promise you entertainment unparalleled? Where else would you get to see THIS kind of display?!!" the Dark Magistrate shouted. The crowd was apparently going nuts over the sight of naked Captain America. "Well, these people have obviously never been on DeviantArt," Dan commented. "We beat Captain Roidmerica for your fanboys here, let us out!" "Oh ho ho ho, but gentlemen, that was only the first round!" the Dark Magistrate announced. He was now apparently broadcasting from out of sight as not to be shot by Boba Fett. "We have much more entertainment planned ahead! Let's get to the next challenge, shall we?" *BRAAMPT* A buzzer sounded and the ground began to shake. From the ceiling, the corridors of Stable 4 descended, becoming a box viewing platform high above the stadium. The floor of the stadium began to part, splitting down the middle as a new metallic floor rose to replace the dirt one. And rising to greet them was the next challenger. "My loyal disciples, against all odds and with a little help, Dan has advanced to the next round! He's beaten the muscle, but now he... and his comrades, now face the might of machine and metal!" The challenger viewed the surroundings in 360-degrees at once. His red ocular sensors scanned the crowd, scanned the environment, scanned everything at once. He was able to tell where everything was at once, see almost every direction at once. But when he saw Boba Fett, his sensors focused solely on him. This was a guy we wanted to add to the story a looonnnng time ago, so it's been a looooonnnngggg time in coming. "As cold and calculated as it gets, a droid with an iron designation ready to bring the galaxy to ruination, rising from the wreckage again, I give you-" "WE MEET AGAIN, MY ESTEEMED COLLEAGUE." "IG-88!!... as a pony." Ponified Elite Assassin Droid IG-88p Magically Modified Mass Murdering Machine "Hahaha, welcome to Wonderdome, Dan! And prices just got higher."