//------------------------------//
// Pope Fights!, by Crack-Fic Kai and Masterweaver 
// Story: Group Precipitation 
// by FanOfMostEverything 
//------------------------------//

(Crack-Fic Kai)

Sunset pinched the bridge of her nose and didn't look up. She couldn't look up. The sound and smell were bad enough.

She heard Ruby shift uncomfortably. "Okay, I know this looks bad—"

Sunset raised her hand. Ruby stopped talking. Pinkie stepped forwards. "No, you can't be mad at Ruby 'cause—"

"No no," Sunset said, "Still processing. Shh." 

There was a long stretch of silence. Neither of the girls risked moving. There was a chance they'd stopped breathing. With a reluctant sight Sunset opened her eyes.

Proportionally speaking, there wasn't that much fire. The banquet hall was a huge, cavernous room that could fit dozens, and the fire only really extended to a few tables and some wallpaper. Of course, that cavernous room was filled with scattered rubble, the shattered pillars, and an alarming amount of smashed food, so maybe it felt like there was more fire because of how crowded it was. "One at a time. Explain. Now." 

Ruby, the girl who headed a whole movement around prostrating herself ironically to someone else to make that person feel better about the people who meant it, looked abashed. "Heh heh... Well, we kinda were fighting over who was the best at throwing celebrations." 

Pinkie, the girl who'd needed someone to explain what "humiliate" actually meant, bit her lip. "While we... y'know, did that, there was... a pie thrown by... someone..." 

There was another stretch of silence, filled with Ruby hoping that Pinkie would finish that part of the story and Pinkie trying to form words. 

Sunset didn't have an expression. An expression would have been less scary. 

Ruby coughed. "Things sorta... escalated." 

With a creaking groan, part of the roof behind them caved in. Sunset raised an eyebrow. "Are you sure?" 

Both girls flinched. Sunset had moved into sarcasm. Sarcastic Sunset did bad things to people. Heaven help them if she moved into irony.

Ruby drew in a deep breath." Okay, so I think the whole fight is on EweTube, so I thought I could sorta gloss over that—"

"Oh, would you like to gloss over that?" Sunset asked. "Would you like to gloss over the pie tins that you've somehow embedded in the stone wall? Would you like to gloss over thousands of dollars of food you've wasted? Are you glossing over everything you've set on fire? How do you set fires in a food fight?"

"Well, it's got something to do with friction—"

Sunset held out her hand. Ruby stopped talking. "I can't believe you challenged Pinkie Pie to a food fight! You could have been hurt—"

"Actually." Pinkie interrupted, "She kicked my ass." 

This pulled Sunset up short for several reasons. Firstly, Pinkie had interrupted her, and Pinkie had just leveled a part of Sunset's church. But Pinkie had also said that someone had beaten her in a food fight, and that didn't happen. Not to mention that was the first complete sentence Pinkie had said, when normally Pinkie would be outright assaulting logic in an attempt to get out of trouble. And come to think of it, since when did Pinkie swear? And—

Sunset's eyes narrowed. Pinkie had been quiet for most of this conversation, and made a point of avoiding Sunset's eyes. That was to be expected, but she also kept looking at Ruby, and then looking at the floor. She shifted uncomfortably. She nervously chewed on her lip. She caught herself looking at Ruby again—

No way. Sunset looked back at Ruby, who had flushed crimson at Pinkie's praise. "You beat Pinkie in a fight?" 

"I mean..." Ruby said. "I studied the Elements a lot, and Laughter was always really interesting." 

"Mhm," Sunset said as she watched Pinkie perk up.

"And I train all the time!" Ruby said. "We're fighting against monsters and stuff, and my sister Sunny's coaching us and I've gotten really strong! See?" She flexed her arm and Pinkie's eyes trailed her thin but developing biceps.  

"Right," Sunset said. "Pinkie, do you have anything to add?" 

"Well," Pinkie said, "I mean, no, that's pretty much it, yeah." 

Pinkie Pie is having trouble forming coherent sentences. Pinkie Pie.

Sweet Celestia, she's twitterpated.

"Well," Sunset said, "That must have been an amazing fight, Ruby. It'd take a lot to impress Pinkie this much." 

"...Thank you?" Ruby said slowly, not noticing how Pinkie's gaze began dancing away from her and around the room in an attempt to find something not-embarrassing to look at. "Does this mean you're done yelling and stuff?" 

Sunset sighed. "Tell you what: the two of you clean this up and we're cool." 

"Oh!" Ruby looked at the rubble and food strewn across a structure that was big enough to house a circus troop, and swallowed. "Uh, how long—" 

"As long as it takes." With a gesture, the fires smothered themselves, the roof reversed and formed back into one solid ceiling, and the more dangerous piles of rubble were dumped in a sector of space Sunset used as a junkyard when she felt lazy. "So! Brooms and mops are in the janitor's closet, trash cans and bags are over there, and I think you can see where the mess is?" 

Both girls nodded glumly. Sunset wasn't going to make them clean the whole thing up; both of them would feel bad enough that they'd work themselves late, and then Sunset could be impressed by their dedication and do the rest herself in the morning. More importantly, it'd give them time alone to talk and Sunset time to find Sweetie Belle.

What does her chart say about this?

(Masterweaver)

"You know, I never expected you to call one of these meetings. You're not really the proactive one."

"Mmm."

"Yeah, I know. Hey, Maud, you know what this is about?"

"No."

"Do you have a fu— freakin' guess?"

"Yes."

"Would you like to tell me what your guess is?"

"I think that Marble should tell us."

"Mmmhmmm."

"Fine, whatever! What's taking you so long?"

"She's making sure our video chat is secure. That nobody unscrupulous can listen in on us."

"Mmhmm."

"Right, you always were the tech-savvy one..."

"Mmm!"

"Does that mean we're safe?"

"Mmmhmm."

"F— Friggin' finally. Come on, Marble, spill!"

"Mmh."

"...A picture of Pinkie? Marble, what— wait, who's that with her?"

"That would be Ruby Rose. The pope of the Church of the Divine Bacon Horse."

"I... guess that makes sense? I mean Pinkie's one of Sunset's friends, so of course the Shimmerists are going to take interest in her—"

"Mm-mm."

"Marble's right, Limestone. That's not what's going on here. Well, not all that's going on."

"Really, then what the f—? Hold on. Hold on, that smile. That's not Pinkie's ordinary smile."

"Mmmhmmmmm..."

"... You're fucking with me."

"And you were doing so well."

"Shut it, Maud. Marble, are you sure about this?"

"Hrrrrrm... mmhmmm."

"Well... shit. I mean, I'm happy for her and all, but who the hell is Ruby to date our sister?"

"I don't think they're dating yet."

"What, seriously?"

"Mmhmm."

"Wow. Not like Pinkie to show restraint when it comes to what she wants. You think she's serious about this?"

"Maybe. After her previous... dalliances—"

"What, like that time she was seven and proclaimed her love for the theme park mascot?"

"— I would not be surprised if she was unwilling to risk alienating the object of her affections."

"Mhm."

"... Damn, now I don't know what to do. I mean, I want her happy, but I'm so used to seeing her as my baby sister—"

"HRMPH!"

"Oh come on, Marble, you were always more mature then she was."

"That is... a little harsh, Limestone."

"Yeah, but it's true. Whatever. Look my point is, I want to vet this Ruby chick. Personally. Dunno when I'm going to get a break from work, but I'll be in town soon as I can. What do Mom and Dad think?"

"... Mmmmmm...."

"What do you mean they don't know?!"

"I'm actually not surprised. They are a loving set of parents, but they can be very traditional. Pinkie's planning on moving in with me to get away from them; do you think she would appreciate it if any of us told them about her love life without her permission?"

"... Fuck, you're right. Man, was it only a few years ago we were all under one roof?"

"Mmm."

"Well... whatever. Look, when I get to town, we'll vet this Ruby chick, then we'll decide how we're going to help Pinkie and whether to tell Mom and Dad."

"Hmm."

"Very well. Ah, Pinkie's driving in now. Marble, get rid of that picture so we can have a normal sister chat."

"Mm!"

(Crack-Fic Kai)

Marble Pie wasn't a very confrontational person, and neither was she a talkative one. It wasn't that she disliked people; she simply preferred them at a distance. So while she wanted to go and talk to Ruby about Pinkie Pie’s crush, she had to wait for one of her sisters to come with her and do the actual talking part of a talk. It was a sensible, logical thing to do.

Marble repeated that to herself as she watched Limestone grow increasingly frustrated with Ruby. It didn’t help.

“— And why was she so tired last night? What were you two doing?”  

“Scrubbing the floor,” an increasingly confused Ruby said. “I went home tired too, I spend all last night on my knees. Who are you again?” 

Limestone gritted her teeth. “I’m your worst nightmare.” 

Ruby gasped. “You’re a human/angst monster hybrid shapeshifter here to ruin all my friendships so I’ll turn evil?”

“No, I’m…” Even after living with Pinkie forever, Limestone felt thrown off. “Shit, is that a thing?” 

Ruby shrugged. “I mean, not yet but…”

“Whatever. Look,” Limestone tried to take a step forwards, but Marble grabbed her hand pulled her back. “Look,” she tried again. “I know you’re some kind of a warrior priestess—“

“Well, technically—”

“I don’t care!” Limestone pulled her hand out of Marble's and got in Ruby’s personal space. “I don’t care why you're obsessed with Sunset and her friends, or what your game is, you are going to cool it right the fuck—“

“Hey!” 

Ruby’s expression became one of relief. Limestone rolled her eyes and turned around to shout at whoever dared interrupt one of her rants. 

She looked up.

She looked up some more. 

The woman that stood before them looked like an explosion given human form. Her long blonde hair shone like flames, and every move radiated strength. On each arm she wore gauntlets that Marble knew from the Internet worked like shotguns. She took off her sunglasses and glared at Limestone. “I’m Ruby’s big sister. Is there a problem here?”

And thus Limestone learned of regret.