Dear Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood,
So this is what you have been doing for well over the past eight years? You have just had your daughter living alone in your house while you go out and play Crocodile Dundee? For parents who claim to care so much about your child you sure the hell don't act like it. You do realize that you have committed a crime, don't you? Leaving your daughter alone for over eight years counts as child abandonment and while I would normally throw terrible parents such as you in the dungeon for a decade, I suppose I will let this slide since your daughter has her own crimes she has committed.
I would also normally fine shitty parents such as you 100,000 bits but again, your daughter has been a bitch and obviously didn't get that from you so I too will let it slide. There are other parents though, parents on my shit list, that I will fine over this instead. They are going to love me so much over this! Well have fun in whatever third world shit hole you're going to next. If you ever do come back, be sure to tell your daughter that she is still a libelous bitch.
Sincerely,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Look, we have jobs you know and up until now, the places we went were no place to have a filly. We get it though, we're terrible parents who probably should have just given our daughter to Lofty and Holiday to raise the day we headed out to handle all those dangerous creatures. Now we are glad that you are not going to punish us but we know all about Scootaloo's crimes. Don't worry princess, we have had a good talk with her and let her know that printing libel and poisoning ponies is wrong and she and her delinquent friends of hers promised that they won't do it again.
We are pleased that you have other ponies that you can fine. We are sure you won't tell us but is it the parents of that lavender Alicorn that set their party up? We personally hope so because we really didn't want the whole town to hate us for convincing Scootaloo to stay. We seriously wanted her to follow in our hoofsteps but with Lofty and Holiday raising her, she'll likely turn out to make quilts and do other bland, boring crap that will take her nowhere in life.
Sincerely,
Snap Shutter and Mane Allgood
Dear Scootaloo,
So your parents and your aunts finally showed up after nearly nine years of you living alone? I now know why you pulled the shit you have in your past. I know why you thought printing libelous claims about so many ponies was ok, I know why you thought poisoning Big Mac and your teacher was ok. It was all because you had nopony around to teach you right from wrong. Now is that going to suddenly get you off of my shit list, HELL NO! You shall remain there just like your troublemaker friends will and I do ask you of one favor, please go and join your parents eventually so you can make something out of yourself. I think that with your aunts raising you and you still hanging around those friends of yours, you will make absolutely nothing of yourself. This whole "helping ponies discover who they are" bullshit will mean nothing and take you nowhere until you finally grow a brain and start charging for your services. I doubt your aunts are going to want you free loading off of them thirty years down the road.
Knowing You'll Never Amount to Anything,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
Look, my friends and I do what we do because it is our destiny to be sweet little angels and help ponies for free. If anything, I think we should bill you for this because if it weren't for us, you'd likely be footing the bill for ponies with no talents having to seek out therapy. I find it rather insulting that you think I will never amount to anything unless I throw my friends under the bus just to join my parents in handling dangerous creatures. I swear, I can't help but wonder if you haven't got some of your beliefs from Rarity because she thinks Sweetie Belle will still be mooching off of her in thirty years for giving away her services. Unlike your cake craving gluttonous flank, we are not greedy. We don't tax ponies into oblivion or fine them over nothing!
Knowing You are a Greedy Bitch,
Scootaloo
Dear Lofty and Holiday,
As princess of Equestria I am issuing a direct order to you two. I am ordering you to force Scootaloo to start paying you rent so she will be forced to start charging for that shitty hobby she and her friends are so good at. I am very displeased that she is getting away with "working" if you can even call it that and not paying me taxes. Hell maybe you should force her to take up a new line of work, something such as being your personal housekeeper. Pay her 10 bits per hour and then she should be able to fork over enough to me to keep my bitching at a semi-reasonable level. Don't let me down or I will force Scootaloo to go out and live with her parents, even if I have to take her to Shit Lanka or whatever the name of that shit hole they've moved to is.
Demanding You Put Scootaloo to Work,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
We have always heard about what a greedy uncaring bitch you are and it sounds like all those rumors are correct. Look, Scootaloo is just a filly and she should not have to charge for her services solely so she can be robbed by you. We get it, you think that if you have another pony paying you taxes you might be able to afford more cake but we are not going to force Scootaloo into doing things she doesn't want to. Whether that be charging for her services or being hauled off to work with her parents, it is not happening.
Also, we are not going to force our niece to be our housekeeper either. Families are there for one another and if somepony needs a roof over their head, especially a filly, we give it to them! We bought her parents' house so that we could be there in Ponyville so she will have a family always looking out for her. Look at it this way, we will help guide her in a direction where she won't do the things she has done in the past. That should be more than enough to satisfy you and your bitchy attitude.
Sincerely,
Lofty and Holiday
Dear God Emperor Goldner,
Alright, let me say this. Since you brought a confirmed lesbian couple into My Little Pony, you better let my daughter and her sweetie become a couple on screen. You have been doing nothing but bitching non-stop about how it will hurt the company's profits. Guess what? You can't use that shitty cop-out excuse anymore. The cat is out of the bag, there is a confirmed lesbian couple now and I don't think bringing in a second one, one involving primary characters is going to hurt any.
Now do know this, if my daughter doesn't get what she wants, I WILL make your precious little Fluttershy's life a living hell after the series is over. Tartarus knows no wrath worse than a mother who is pushing for her daughter to get what she wants. So StarXie better be a reality before the end, got it?
Princess Celestia
Princess Celestia,
In the event you didn't notice or you were too busy coming up with plans on how to fine Twilight's family into the poor house, Lofty and Holiday, while it has been confirmed, you couldn't even tell they were a couple if you didn't know it. I know what it is you want though. I know you want your daughter to profess her love to Trixie on screen, ask her if she will be her marefriend, Trixie say yes and then the two suck face like they are in an R rated movie on screen. It's not happening Tia. You can do whatever the hell you want to Fluttershy after all is said and done and I won't care. It is simply too big of a risk. Hell Lofty and Holiday pissed off enough uptight judgmental people as it is, I don't feel like sinking the company just to please your precious daughter and her little marefriend.
Telling it How it is,
Brian Goldner, CEO of Hasbro, Inc.