The
CONVERSION
►Bureau
The St. Louis
Massacre
By Cloudhammer
Year 5, Week 19, Thursday
“Alright guys, so where are you taking me?” Flare asked for the fifth time as the group of stallions made their way down the sidewalk. They’d left their armor in their hotel rooms, all seven of them admittedly tired of wearing it after the joint training exercises with the US Army a week ago.
“Now now amigo, it wouldn’t be much of a bachelor party if we told you what was going on, now would it?” Lariat said as he led the group into St Louis’ unofficial ‘pony district.’ While curious humans still entered, the majority of the stores now catered to the city’s rising pony population. It didn’t hurt that the city had recently passed San Francisco in its rate of Conversions, as well as being selected as the site of the new serum research center. At least one third of the city’s populace had undergone the procedure by now, and that number was projected to pass fifty percent within the next two weeks.
Eventually Lariat nodded as he led the group to a narrow alley, barely wide enough for two ponies to squeeze through. “This is the place. I’ve heard good things about it.”
The stallions all looked up the faded red door. A simple sign hung above it, illuminated by neon lighting to read Socks and Saddles. A faint pounding of music could be heard emanating from within.
“Uh, Lariat?” Aegis asked from the back of the group. “Why are ya hauling us to go clothes shopping?”
Cloudhammer snorted. “From what you said, you implied you were taking us to a salt bar.”
Dusty, Wrecker and Anvil stomped their agreement. “Or at least to a normal bar. Could be nose deep in a pitcher by now...” Dusty complained.
“Compadres, compadres, trust me. Not everything is what it seems.” Lariat said with a grin as he pushed open the door. The music doubled in volume, but that wasn’t what made everypony’s ears flatten in shock.
In front of them was a single large room, the right wall given over to a large bar, where a stallion could be seen serving both human alcohol and salt in equal doses. The floor in front of the bar was littered with tables in a haphazard configuration, with every table hosting stallions and the occasional mare. At the far end was a pair of double doors, one set obviously leading to the kitchen, as a mare dressed in a provocative sundress sauntered out, a tray of food balanced on her back. The other set of doors led to Celestia knew where.
However, the main attraction was an enormous stage taking up the entire left wall. It extended out into a runway-esque configuration, but the mare on stage wasn’t showing off some fancy ensemble. Her eyes half closed, she had a seductive smile on her muzzle as she slowly pulled a silk sock onto one of her forelegs. The stallions surrounding the stage whistled and threw a mix of bits and human bills at her hooves, which she carefully collected and deposited in a tote bag beside her, before pulling out a second sock.
“Seems that Gentle Breeze is on fire tonight! Keep showing her your love and she’ll put it all on for you!” A stallion behind a DJ station shouted into a microphone as he spun his turnstyle.
Flare stood there gaping for a few seconds before he recovered his wits and shook his head. “Uh, Lariat? Just what in Equestria is this place?”
“Amigo, welcome to St Louis’ first dress club.” Lariat said with a smirk as he led the way inside, nodding to the hulking bouncer standing by the door. “Still not sure where the idea originally came from, but it is something else.” He ushered the group down to an empty table with Wrecker and Anvil’s help.
“I don’t think I’m alright with this...” Flare said, trailing off as Gentle Breeze caught his eye and winked, finishing the second sock and reaching for a third.
“I just don’t get it,” Aegis said, settling onto his cushion as he waved a waitress over. “I’ll take a Blueberry Fizzy Bubbly ma’am.”
“Sure thing big guy.” The mare said with a smile as she looked around the table. “What else can I get you all tonight?”
“I’ll take a block of salt for now.” Cloudhammer said, his eyes flicking back toward the mare on stage as she rocked onto her hindquarters to tug the third sock on.
Dusty, Wrecker and Anvil all ordered beer, already reaching into their saddlebags for their bits pouches.
“I’ll take a shot...” Flare twitched as Gentle Breeze reached for the fourth sock, “make that a double shot of Jameson, and some hay fries if you have them.”
“Of course. We also have fresh fruit, just imported from Equestria three days ago, along with a barrel of Sweet Apple Acres cider. I’ll be right back with your drinks.” She sauntered off toward the kitchen, her tail swishing idly.
“So now what?” Flare asked, to the amused snorts of Lariat, Wrecker and Anvil.
“Now, we sit back and enjoy ourselves amigo. The night is still young after all.” Lariat said with a cheer as he tossed a few bits onto the stage.
Fifty miles away, a convoy of trucks made their way down the highway. They were all the same, a uniform shade of black, with darkened windows hiding their occupants from the outside world. There were fifteen trucks in this convoy and it, along with nine others, were finally drawing close to the agreed upon staging area, a large, empty field their superiors had bought for this purpose a year ago.
The trucks pulled to a stop, engines growling as they waited for the others to arrive. Over the next hour the field turned into an oversized parking lot, the trucks waiting patiently for the last members of their group to arrive. Another half hour passed before a pair of bulked up tractor trailers pulled in, taking their position at the center of the field.
“Everyone is briefed on their targets?” A voice spoke over the radios in each vehicle. A series of acknowledgements came in from each section. “Good. Above all else, it is imperative that The Package achieves its mission. All other targets and objectives are secondary to this.” The voice paused as its owner checked something. “Deployment time is at 7:00am, be in position by then.”
As the voice finished speaking, the tractor trailers fired up their engines again, the trucks following suit as they all began to pull back onto the highways, now separating into their operational elements. Ahead of them, their destination slept on, unknowing of what was coming for it.
Flare swayed in his seat as he threw another few bits onto the stage. Gentle Breeze had finally retired, but after some cajoling from the patrons on the floor, a pair of pegasus twins had emerged and began to dress each other to raucous cheers and a shower of bits and bills.
“I think... I think that thish was an eckshellent idea.” Flare said in a drunken slur as he tossed back his fifth double shot of Jameson. The stallion’s face was flushed, one ear folded back alongside his head while the other twitched in time to the music. “We definitely need to do thish again.”
Lariat grinned, thumping the unicorn on the back. “Well, we’ll just have to get another of our proud solcheros here to agree to leave our ranks to get hitched. Although I’d not be averse to coming back here myself.” He took another lick of his salt block, leaning back into his cushion appreciatively. “I never thought I’d enjoy salt this much amigos.”
Aegis shook his head as he took another swig of his drink. “I still think you’re all crazy.”
Cloudhammer was silent, the older pegasus digging in his bag for more bits, tossing the remaining coins on stage. “Do it in the air!”
Flare shook his head, laughing uproariously. “Don’t let Morning Sun catsch you acting like that, sir.”
Cloudhammer only snorted, keeping his eyes on the twins as they gracefully lifted into the air, putting on the last pieces of their outfits before bowing low and fluttering backstage.
“Speaking of significant others... Lariat, you convince Amy to convert yet, hmmmmmm?” Aegis grinned, prodding Lariat lightly in the ribs.
Lariat twitched, a blush forming on his face. “No, I haven’t! And I’m not interested in her like that amigo!”
“Hah, your mouth says one thing, but that blush sure says another, amee-go.” Aegis chuckled again; teasing Lariat about Doctor Getton was always good for a laugh.
In desperate need of a distraction, Lariat caught one of the waitresses as she went by, whispering into her ear for a moment and jerking his head toward Flare.. He discreetly hoofed over another bag of bits, which the mare slipped into her pocket with a smile and a nod before she made her way to the DJ. After she whispered to him, he brought the music to a screeching halt.
“Alright all you mares and stallions, we got a special request from one of Her Majesty Celestia’s Royal Guard. It appears we have somepony here who’s on his last legs as a bachelor and needs something special to send him on his way. So come on out Sugar Flank, for our stallion of the hour, Captain Flare!”
The floor erupted in cheers as a slender unicorn mare made her way out on stage, her coat a buttery shade of brown, with a mane of light amber. Her dark green eyes looked leisurely around the room as she sauntered her way up to Flare and the others. “I hear tell somepony at this table is getting married. That deserves something a little more... personal.” She slowly climbed off the stage and gently tugged Flare to his hooves. “Follow me.” Twining her tail around his neck, she dragged him, only partially resisting, toward the other double doors.
“Go get ‘er Flare! We’ll see you around!” Lariat cheered, Flare casting one more look back as the double doors swung shut. Looking back at the table, he sighed as he saw that Dusty, Wrecker and Anvil were well on their way to passing out. “Well Aegis, it looks like it’s just you, me and Cloudhammer.” The stallion looked between the two before settling on Aegis with a grin. “So Aegis, tell us about yourself some. I’ve known you for nearly....” he looked down at his hoof for a second before bursting into a fit of the giggles, “forgot I can’t count on my fingers anymore. But I’ve known you for at least three years now, and don’t even know where you’re from.”
“Well, lessee, I’m originally from a little town southeast of the Everfree forest called Snaffleton. I mostly did farm work and whatever odd jobs I could get ahold of. My main thing, though... Snaffleton is a launching area for expeditions and the like into the southern Everfree. And when some fool wanders in and doesn’t wander out on schedule, I’d go in after. Heh, apparently Cloud here heard about that part and decided I’d make a fine start for the Earth branch.”
Lariat nodded, before snickering. “So, why is this pueblo called Snaffleton?
“Well, the place is pretty much all about the bits earned from the rare Everfree materials those expeditions I mentioned go out for. ‘Bit-ton’ sounds awful, and a snaffle is a kind of bit. Sooo....Snaffleton.” Aegis grinned. “And shouldn’t a ranch hand have known that?”
Lariat thought about it, then started laughing again. “I suppose I should have amigo.”
Cloudhammer snorted, taking another heavy lick of his block. “Don’t sweat it Lariat, I’ve not been able to understand it either, ever since the Guard stuck my flank out there for six months...”
“Oh? Didn’t think you’d been there before dragging me out. When was it?” Aegis motioned for a refill. “Maybe we’ve crossed paths and not realized it.”
“Not likely...” Cloudhammer took a swig of water to rehydrate his throat. “This was nearly forty years ago, back when I was just a Second Lieutenant.” He chuckled as the old memories dusted themselves off. “There was this one mare, lemme tell you colts, they don’t make mares like that anymore.”
Lariat grinned and leaned forward. “So, don’t hold back on us. What was this mare’s name?”
Cloudhammer thought about it for a few minutes. “I know it started with a C... Ch... Chry....” He frowned as he tried to remember. Then he brightened and rapped a hoof on the table. “It was Chrysanthemum! And I’ll say it again; she was one heck of a beauty.”
While Lariat grinned at the older stallion’s recollection, Aegis sat there stone-faced and silent, glaring at Cloudhammer.
“What is it, Aegis?” The older pegasus asked, not entirely sure why the earth pony was glaring at him through the fog of the salt.
“Mah mother’s name was Chrysanthemum.”
The table was silent, the grin dying on Lariat’s face as he turned to stare at Cloudhammer too.
“Now hold it right there. This was thirty-nine, maybe thirty-eight years ago.” Cloudhammer said, the effects of the salt wearing off rapidly.
Aegis blanched, all trace of expression leaving his face. “My Mom didn’t meet my Dad until I was two. Cloudhammer, I’m 38.”
Cloudhammer paled, his wings unfurling and slumping down his sides with a thump. Lariat looked from one red stallion to the other, blinking his eyes a few times as he sized them up.
Further conversation was prevented as Flare swayed his way out through the double doors, drunkenly making his way to the table. Coming to a stop against it with a thud, he looked at the shocked stallions confusedly. “So, what’d I miss?”