//------------------------------//
// Chapter 16.5: Memo to the Guard 
// Story: Borderlands 2 DLC: Vault of the Consular 
// by NightStream 
//------------------------------//

By the crack of dawn, the pegasus known as Flash Sentry was beginning to just wake up as he let out a yawn and used his wings to rub his eyes. He was just barely beginning to wake up from the longest sleep that he felt like he had in weeks, and for good reason. Ever since a few new faces showed up in Equestria, members of the royal guard have been working tirelessly around the clock whether it was trying to keep up with what was going on or having to clean up the collateral damage that was left behind. Especially after what happened in the Crystal Empire last week.

Of course though, as he was getting himself ready and preparing to head to the mess hall, the first thing that he noticed was that most of the ponies on duty today were standing by the bulletin board that was in the back of the room. As he looked at the wall, that was when he noticed one of the guards that was sitting at the tables and he spoke up. “Hey, Spearhead… any idea what’s going on over there?”

The earth pony, Spearhead, looked up from his bowl of oats as he looked back at Flash. “What, that? Apparently, it's a new message from the captain regarding the new ‘visitors’ that we have been having. They added some information to the bulletin board in regards to conduct and such… though, it might be better if you go take a look for yourself.”

Raising an eyebrow, all he did was just look back towards the bulletin board. Waiting for some of the ponies that were standing over there to sit back down before trotting over to take a look at what was there.

To his surprise, it was a written statement… alongside what looked to be a series of images and also a rather long list. And judging from what was on it, it seemed to be rather important.

Or so he thought.





To all Royal Guard personnel, I would like to address to you something that has been developing over the last couple of weeks. You might have noticed one or several of the figures that are on the pictures that are included with this document. Where they are from, they are known as vault hunters and they are currently here looking for something important. As strange as they appear, they are to be treated as guests here. 

Though, since it has come to my attention that if you are deployed at certain outposts where they are present, certain situations might happen that might be seen as unusual or outside of what normally happens on a day to day basis. Therefore, we’ve included several guidelines for you to follow so that you would know what to do if you find yourself in that scenario.

Best regards,

Captain Shining Armor


Things that the Royal Guard are not allowed to do around the Vault Hunters



1.	Each appearance for these visitors have two standard forms. Their bipedal appearances are their normal forms that they are used too while their equestrian appearances are what they’re still trying to understand. Please keep this in mind if you see them having trouble with things that we see as common nature.
a.	Under no circumstances are you to refer to them as ‘apes’. To them, that’s just flat out insulting and degrading.
b.	Also, keep in mind that they have weaponry that’s much more advanced than ours, so if you don’t want to be blown apart to pieces or burn to a crisp, pick your words carefully.

2.	Each Vault Hunter has special abilities that are far different from what we’re familiar with. Provoke at your own risk.
a.	This goes further more with the two vault hunter Sirens that are named Lilith and Maya.
i.	No, they are not the Sirens that equestrian culture is familiar with. For them, Sirens are female warriors that are defined by the blue tattoos that are on their left foreleg (or what they call an ‘arm’). There can be only six at any given time and none of them have powers in order to brainwash ponies to ‘do their bidding’ as far as they know. Please stop trying to tell the new recruits otherwise. 
ii.	Furthermore, if you so happen to be deployed at a location where a siren is present, do not try anything that would make them feel uncomfortable or annoyed, especially Lilith. She is known as the ‘Firehawk’ where she’s from for a reason and Colonel Smores is still in Ponyville Hospital undergoing burn treatment with the fur on his face and his mane all but gone after he tried ‘wooing’ her over.
iii.	The same rule applies to Maya, but I must stress that nopony should ever try to engage her in any form of physical combat training.
vi.	Even if you think that you can beat her.
v.	Especially if you think you can beat her.
vi.	Alright, let me spell it out for you idiots. You have no hope of winning in a fight against Maya. Her powers allow her to be able to ‘lock’ somepony in midair and then subsequently throw them as fast as a speeding wonderbolt. Let my encounter with her be a lesson for the rest of you.
b.	While it is true that the vault hunters named Roland and Axton both have backgrounds and experience when it comes to military tactics, this does not mean that they are seen as high ranking members of the Royal Guard.
i.	This rule applies further to Axton. Telling him that he’s ‘in charge’ of his own division of the Royal Guard would be just as bad as telling Prince Blueblood the concept of diplomatic immunity.
ii.	He is also not to be referred to by some of the titles that he gives himself, such as ‘overall badass’.
iii.	Nor is he allowed to tell others that he is ‘the great commandy one’. Mostly because there is no such thing and we are trying to be a military unit that serves the royal crown, not a crazed cult.
iv.	Yes I am!! You can't silence me!  
v.	No and furthermore Axton himself, along with the rest of the vault hunters, are NOT allowed to critique or change anything that’s on this list. He and the other vault hunters however can suggest things to be added, but they must be approved by myself and the princesses first.
c.	When it comes to Zer0, ‘his haiku style’ speech pattern is normal to him as well as everypony he considers as his companions. No, that doesn’t mean that you should challenge him to a poetry contest. Because such a thing is pretty much pointless.
d.	The vault hunter known as Brick is known for always going with the ‘hooves on’ approach for solving problems. So if his first instinct to solve something is punching it, you might want to back up first.
i.	Also, don’t call his dress shirt ‘tacky’ under any circumstances. It’s for your own good.
ii.	In addition, please don’t joke around and say that he is ‘dumb as a brick’. At that point, you’re just asking for trouble.
e.	For Mordecai, if his bird Talon is staring at you… you might want to run. He’s not fully trained yet and if it draws blood, then we’re going to be having problems.
i.	Nor should you try to befriend it. It only see’s Mordecai and Fluttershy as friendly. Anypony else is seen to him as just food.
f.	Yes, the one known as Gaige has a mechanical limb. Yes, she did it intentionally for a ‘science project’ that she was working on. No, you are not allowed to make jokes about it or call her arm a ‘horrific disfigurement’. She can still punch you with it and send you to the hospital.
i.	Nor should you go up to her robot Deathtrap and ask Gaige if it can give you a hoof-bump. It’s claws are meant for combat and can cause anything it comes into contact with to explode. Including you.
ii.	Deathtrap is a living robotic death machine, not a middle school science project. Don’t antagonize it.
iii.	Asking if Deathtrap is ‘combat ready’ and expecting for it to give you a response is just plain pointless.
iv.	Even though Gaige has said that you can ‘fix most things with duct tape and a lot of glue’, please don’t apply that same logic to any broken equipment.
g.	Under no circumstances should you make Salvador angry for any reason. Even if you want to see him ‘go bezerk’ in real time.
i.	Because more than likely, he might be doing that towards you.
h.	The vault Hunter known as Krieg is a rather special case that all royal guard personnel must approach with extreme caution. According to Maya, he’s considered to be a ‘reformed’ psycho that unleashes its anger and rage on those who try to harm those who can’t defend themselves. Given though that he is the most provokable of the group, do not try to do anything that could startle him.
i.	Please quit trying to find a way to translate what he’s saying. His form of speech isn’t Horse Code.
ii.	Also, stop trying to talk in ‘psycho-speak’ to try and get a better understanding of him. In all likelihood, that’ll just make things worse.
iii.	If anypony happens to hear some kind of ‘inner voice’ while interacting with Krieg, please report to the medical wing for a complete psychological evaluation.

3.	Outside of the vault hunters, there is one other individual with them that needs to be discussed since she is considered as a ‘special case’. The young alicorn that you see alongside the vault hunters in the picture provided is known as Tiny Tina. She may look cute, but don’t let her appearance fool you.
a.	I’m being serious here. Based on the accounts from the vault hunters, Tina can be best summarized as an alicorn version of the Element of Laughter with a crazy sense of imagination to the point where her saying randomly obscene things is considered normal amongst them. Why that is, I will never know.
b.	Despite her claims and her appearance of being an alicorn, Tina is NOT any of the following:
i.	Daughter of ‘Butt Stallion’ (What she calls the Element of Generosity, Rarity)
ii.	Princess of Explosions
iii.	Princess of Badassery
iv.	Princess of Blowupyourfaceheim (Not even a country)
v.	Lady of Blowupyourfaceheim
vi.	Royal Ambassador of Blowupyourfaceheim
vii.	The vault hunters personal trainer 
viii.	Professor Boom (Whatever that’s supposed to mean)
ix.	The goddamn Bunker Master!! (Again… what does that even mean!?)
x.	An bombmaker and explosive expert of the Crimson Raiders
1.	Sorry everypony. Turns out she IS an explosives expert. Word of advice from Roland… don’t make any sudden movements around her.
c.	The motion that Tiny Tina could ignore any rules that are in place (whether they be laws of Equestria or Lilith telling her something) because of her reason being ‘I’M ROYALTY, BITCHES!!’ is unanimously rejected. Please prevent her from doing anything that would cause a scene while still maintaining protocol.
d.	At no point should you leave Tiny Tina to do a task unsupervised, even if it's for a good reason. She will end up getting distracted.
e.	Do not say anything or eat anything that contains raisins in her presence. She sees their existence as a war crime.
i.	Trying to trick her into eating raisins by telling her that they are just ‘dehydrated grapes’ is not allowed under any circumstance.
f.	While it is encouraged to socialize with the vault hunters and Tina while they aren’t busy with anything, please leave that for when you are off duty. Especially after we found several of the new recruits with Gaige and Maya playing the game called Bunkers and Badasses and Fleur De Lis fainted after hearing your best Ork impression.
i.	 DA PONIES AND HUMIES DON’T TELL ME AND MY BOYZ WHAT TO DOO!! OUR WARBAND WILL RIDE INTO BATTLE WIFF OUR CHOPPAS AND SHOOTAS REDY!!! FER WE ARR REDY FER WAAAAGH!!!
ii.	Recruit Steadfast, while your vocal work and acting skills are impressive, I would like to have a word with you in my office.
g.	Lastly, the notion from Tina that the vault hunter named Krieg can be sated by warm cookies, milk, tickling his pecs and a bedtime story is right out.

4.	If there seems to be anything suspicious, out of the ordinary or look like something that isn’t from Equestria, please consult with one of the vault hunters first.
a.	If they don’t know what it is and it turns out that it’s something hostile… run.

5.	Their ECHO device is a tool that a vault hunter uses to manage their equipment, skills and keep in contact with some of their companions from their home world. It is not to be treated as a toy.
a.	Nor is it to be used to get dating advice from the one called ‘Mad Moxxi’. Gaige specifically asked that we stop having guards ask to use her ECHO for that purpose. (Trust me, even after hearing her once, I can tell the reason why you would want to ask her in the first place. You know who you are.)

6.	To all of those who are in the medic corps division of the guard, I want to stress that under no circumstances are you to take medical advice at face value from the one that the vault hunters know from their world as Dr. Zed. His methods at this point are seen as questionable and has been known to constantly mention the fact that he lost his own medical license.
a.	Anypony who uses any form of unproven treatments or methods that Dr. Zed tells you will lead to disciplinary action and having your own medical licenses revoked. We’re supposed to be trained professionals after all. Please act like it.

7.	Despite the numerous requests that we’ve obtained, any motion for the Royal Guard to equip you with ‘guns that shoot swords’ has been ultimately denied over concerns of safety.
a.	Sure, the idea of ‘shooting swords that explode into more swords, which also explode’ may sound cool, but in practice, it can potentially do more harm than good.
b.	You are NOT allowed to try to get one from Axton. Even if he says that he’ll get you a good deal. He’s a vault hunter, not an arms dealer.

8.	Speaking of arms dealers, all Royal Guard personnel are not allowed to buy anything from the arms dealer the vault hunters know named Marcus Kincaid or his machines. They wouldn’t even accept equestrian currency.
a.	Not only is his merchandise not specialized for Equestrian use, but his methods of reaching out to customers can be seen as morally nonexistent.
b.	Seriously, don’t even think about it. His ‘refund’ policy will just lead to you getting shot in the knee. 

9.	We’ve been getting reports of a metal robot still wandering around Canterlot like he’s a lost puppy who cries out in defeat at seeing staircases. If you find it, please report it to us so we can have the vault hunters take it off our hooves.

10.	Yes, we know that some of the vault hunters have weapons that are thrown once they run out of ammunition. No, that does not mean that they’re throwing it out of anger, using it as a boomerang or just want to get rid of it. If you try to retrieve it, whatever is thrown might just disappear or blow up.
a.	To be more specific, the weapons in question are the ones that have the name ‘Tediore’ on the side of it. The reason why they throw it is because the technology in the weapon allows for another to take form in their hands.
b.	No, we cannot apply the same mechanic to our weapons, including our crossbows. I know that it would be useful to our archers, but innovations and technology like this don’t grow on trees, dammit!

11.	If the vault hunters are talking to someone and the voice on the other end is so loud that it echoes through an entire building, it's not because the one they’re talking too is angry at them. More than likely, they’re talking to Mr. Torgue High-Five Flexington.
a.	Yes, you heard that right, that’s his actual name. And yes, ‘Mr. Torgue’ is his full first name.
i.	Look, I know it might seem strange and unorthodox to most of you, but bear in mind that one of the most important historical figures in Equestria is named Private Pansy. Given that, I don’t think we’re in any position to judge.
b.	When hearing Mr. Torgue speak, don’t think that any beeping noises are the results of technical malfunctions. It’s more than likely that he’s cursing.
i.	AND IF YOU ASK WHY MY VOICE BEEPS ALL THE F**KING TIME, IT’S BECAUSE THE SHAREHOLDERS INSTALLED A DIGITAL CENSER IN IT. IT BLOCKS HALF MY GODDAMN VOCABULARY AND I’M STILL DOWNRIGHT F**KING PISSED ABOUT IT!!
ii.	In addition to the vault hunters, Mr. Torgue himself is not allowed to critique or change anything to this list either.
1.Nor can he add anything at the direction of the vault hunters. Including you, Axton.
c.	Don’t ask Mr. Torgue for any advice in regards to handling a situation that might be out of control. It’s more than likely that his only solution involves explosions.
i.	Or bigger explosions.
ii.	Or even MORE explosions.
iii.	Seriously, he has said that his favorite color is explosions. I think we can get the picture that his solutions would lead to the creation of another badlands.

12.	Unlike some of the other individuals that were mentioned earlier in this list, Dr. Patricia Tannis is one who is helping out the vault hunters with their search while in Equestria since she is the leading expert on the vaults (And unlike Dr. Zed, she actually has a doctorate). However, there are a few things that you must keep in mind if you find yourself in a situation involving her.
a.	According to Lilith, Tannis herself has what she calls a ‘weak sense of rationality’ as well as an extreme fear of common social interactions when it comes to face-to-face interactions. Additionally, specific requests that she had made in the past have shown that she has a bizarre sense of morality.
i.	Her social discomfort, along with suffering from multiple traumas and prolonged isolation, contribute to the hyperfixation of her research and special interests regarding the vaults. Please stop asking if there’s anything that she can do to have her ‘chill out’.
1.And whoever did ask her to ‘chill out’ the first time around, please report to my office at once. Apparently, Tannis doesn’t always understand sarcasm and it lead to her asking Moxxi if she could ‘rent her freezer for an hour to relax’.
b.No matter what Tannis says on the subject, hay bacon is NOT ‘incestous food porn’.
i.	Stop telling the new recruits that hay bacon is ‘incestous food porn’. Two of our new recruits are now too traumatized to eat the hay bacon that we have on the days we serve pancakes and waffles for breakfast at the mess hall.
c.	If Tannis ends up insulting your level of intelligence, then that is not intentional. It’s just how she functions (As I am told).
d.	Do not get into debates with her over how Princess Celestia raises the sun. Our scholars are still trying to dissect the three hundred page report that she somehow was able to deliver to us trying to disprove it to us.
i.	Side note, the Starswirl Research Wing will be temporarily closed until further notice.
e.	Do not question her intelligence under any circumstances.
i.	Doing so would be its own punishment… just trust me on this
f.	She has very strong opinions on particular subject matters outside of her research. Choose your words carefully.
g.	Under no circumstances are any of you to take her up on her ‘standing offer’. Just… don’t. We’re supposed to be professional here. How many times am I going to have to tell you guys while on duty?
i.	To whoever said ‘that’s rich coming from you’ while I was looking at the rough draft of this document over with the Princesses last Friday, please head to the royal chambers to be disciplined for your conduct.

13.	Under no circumstances is anypony to refer to Tartarus as the ‘friendship gulag’. Back from where they’re from, that name means something completely different.
a.	To further explain, Tartarus is where we hold some of the most dangerous creatures that have ever attempted to harm Equestria. The friendship gulag was run by a corporation called Hyperion that was bent on making the planet the vault hunters are from their paradise and proceeded to imprison and murder anypony that was seen as ‘bandit scum’. Does that seem so funny now?

14.	The phrase ‘anything the vault hunters can do, I can do better’ is not a valid excuse for violating protocol for any reason. Any attempts to prove otherwise will be punished accordingly.
a.	The phrase ‘Axton inspired me to do it’ does not count either.
b.	Nor does ‘Tannis requested data for an experiment’ count, considering the implications.

15.	Please don’t interact with alien artifacts on the pretense that you will gain superpowers from them if you did. Especially the alien mineral native to Pandora (the world of the vault hunters) called Eridium.
a.	Trying to disprove the statement above by using logic from the power ponies, ANY comic book franchise is not proof of anything. They’re fictional for a reason and you using them in that sense reflects poorly on the rest of the guard.
b.	Plus, Dr. Zed has mentioned that he had gotten a lot of patients that have tried consuming Eridium to gain ‘slag’ powers. Considering the fact that all of them are no longer breathing, that’s saying something.
i.	And the fact that the moral high ground in this statement is coming from a doctor that has no medical license shows that your reasoning is morally subterranean.

16.	The Royal Guard does not have protocols for any of the following scenarios that either have or have yet to happen:
a.	Loot Midget Mayhem
b.	Varkid Infestation
i.	Spiderant Infestation also qualifies here.
c.	Skag Heat Season (Just… what the buck!?!)
d.	ClapTrap ‘self produced’ dubstep songs.
e.	Goliath Cage Fight
f.	Psycho head ball tournament
i.	Additional note, keep Krieg away from anypony who’s playing volleyball or beach volleyball AT ALL COSTS!!
g.	Good Changelings
i.	Following the events of what happened in the Crystal Empire last week, we have one changeling that fits the above circumstance. Since he doesn’t plan on returning to the hive soon and wants to actually learn about friendship, we’re treating this as a special case until further notice.
ii.	His stay is further justified by the fact that Maya, Roland, Mordecai and Zer0 also trust him. And Maya said herself that if you had a problem with Thorax, take it up with her personally.
1.	Please refer to Rule 2a in its entirely.
h.	Skrakks (“Don’t even get me started.” -Gaige)
I.	Badass Saddlebags (Not a thing)
j.	Justifiable Timberwolf Homicide
k.	Tiny Tina, the Cutie Mark Crusader
i.	After several eyewitnesses in Ponyville seen Tiny Tina go on recent adventures with the Cutie Mark Crusaders, any activity where the four of them are part of something is to be treated as a Code Orange.
1.	Matter of fact, considering Tina’s unpredictable nature, always air on the side of caution when it comes to her. And if she comes by your door, have some chocolate chip cookies on hand just in case. Anything else might cause a Code Orange to become a Code Red.

17.	Dr. Tannis has requested that I inform everypony in the royal guard of the following statement, if you end up in a situation where you are tasked with helping her. (Unlike Rule 14b)
a.	If it involves something wrong, it isn’t right.
b.	If it involves something right, you did it wrong.

18.	If you find yourself in a situation where you’re a guest at one of Tiny Tina’s tea parties, just try to handle it the best you can.
a.	Princess Celestia herself had to sit it in one of them once. You can also do the same.
b.	The notion that you are to drag other recruits into one of Tiny Tina’s tea parties just because Tina tells them ‘You are cordially invited, BITCH!!’ has been rejected for the foreseeable future.

19.	To the recruits that are stationed wherever Zer0 is present, please stop trying to add sound effects whenever he’s practicing his swordsmanship. He finds the act disturbing and wishes for you to cease immediately.
a.	Nor should you do sound effects whenever Salvador is dual wielding his weapons. That’s only encourages him.

20.	Don’t use any ‘figures of speech’ around Brick. He’ll just end up taking what you say literally.
a.	No, not even if you have a justifiable reason for doing so. That only encourages him. (Please refer to rule 2d)

21.	The term ‘badass’ is a word that’s used by the vault hunters and their companions that describes them as tough, intimidating and uncompromising. Not as a way to greet each other in the morning. We are getting complaints from Celestia’s school for gifted unicorns after a student said ‘How are you badass?’ to the principal.
a.	Nor are we putting in a badass ranking system. The idea alone makes no sense.

22.	Being able to survive an encounter with Tiny Tina is not a rite of passage for new recruits. Stop treating it as such.

23.	None of you are to stand by as judges of any ‘killing contests’ between any of the vault hunters.
a.	Especially Axton and Brick. We don’t want a repeat of what happened in Manehattan
b.	Even more so for competitions between Lilith and Maya since those are even worse. Please don’t let that happen.
c.	Furthermore, all royal guard members are NOT allowed to bet on said killing contests. If caught, all your winnings will be confiscated go back into the royal treasury

24.	Never say anything in regards to somepony not being able to do anything in their presence. It’s more than likely that they will take that as a challenge.

25.	Finally, Tiny Tina is to not be allowed anywhere near a hospital’s maternity ward or a daycare center. She sent the ponyville hospital into a panic after shouting ‘BURN ALL THE BABIES!!’ in the royal canterlot voice on accident.


More to be added to the list over time, should the need arise.





As he finished reading, Flash just stared at the list. Dumbfounded by what he was seeing. In his mind, the only question that he was trying to process right now was how could this many people cause this much trouble in just a short amount of time?

Yet, it was the sound of another voice that soon had him turn away from the list that was on the board and towards somepony he did not expect to see today. “Ah, there’s the pony I was looking for.”

Right behind the pegasus was none other than Shining Armor himself. Something that startled Flash as he turned around. “You’re Flash Sentry right?”

“Y-yes,” The orange pegasus stuttered, before looking back as he asked the captain the first thing that came to his mind. “I-is something wrong?”

“No, nothings wrong. I was looking for you because you’ve been reassigned to another post,” Shining told him. “Get your bags ready and have them by the chariot. I’ll give you your proof of transfer papers once you’re-”

“C-captain,” Flash now interjected so that he could be able to ask the captain of the guard a question. “If I may ask, where exactly am I going?”

The pegasus watched as the unicorn’s eyes shifted. Looking towards what was on the board behind him before returning as he said only one thing. “Take a good guess.”