//------------------------------// // Chapter 9 // Story: A Slice of Life // by Twilitbook //------------------------------// "Oh JohnPerry / who art in heaven, hallowed be your name. \ Thy will be be done \ online as it is on paper. \ Give us this day a decent edit, \ and forgive us horrible mistakes \ as we work to make tolerable fanfiction. Amen" - Dawnscroll's prayer to his editor. Have some Slice of Life. Hoplite twitched nervously in his armor. The guard was coiled tighter than a spring as he stepped away from his assigned position. Silently tip-hoofing to the intersection, he poked his head out in the hallway, checking down both ends. Empty. He gave a sigh of relief and bolted back to where a certain ebony mare was waiting by a pair of great double-swinging doors. “This is never going to work.” He repeated under his breathe. Lethe rolled her eyes and gave the guard a playful push. “This is totally going to work. Just let me do the talking, hot stuff,” the Night Watch assured her friend. “That is exactly why this is never going to work!” "Awesome. Nobody asked for your opinion." “But I-“ “Shush.” “This is-“ “Zip it!” “Would you-” “Absolutely not.” “We’re gonna get-” “Knock-knock.” “Umm, who's there?" “Shhh!” Hoplite folded his ears back. “But-” “Let me tell you a little story about a stallion named ‘Shut up and let me work my magic!’” Hoplite was truly wishing he had been put on something less degrading. In all fairness, though they had been assigned somewhere normal to look over for once, Hoplite knew that this was actually a rather unique form of punishment. A sort of quasi ‘You-left-your-guard-duty-and-for-that-I-should-have-you-dishonorably-discharged-but-you-did-so-in-order-to-defend-the-castle-against-assailants-so-I-should-really-be-giving-you-a-medal-but-the-pink-one-got-a-bloody-cannon-through-Equestria’s-finest-so-again-honorable-discharge-but-you-did-throw-yourself-in-harms-way-to-protect-the-Princess-with-no-regard-for-your-own-life-so-you-can-stay-but-just-be-sure-to-actually-take-a-bullet-next-time-will-you?-cause-honestly-that-was-Celestia-awful-embarrassing sort of punishment. He had been willing to clean horseshoes for a year if it meant he could stay. Hoplite was happy to take it, so long as it meant he could remain a guard. Until he had learned the full details. He had to guard the entrance of the Royal Kitchens. With Lethe. In theory, what would otherwise seem as another menial duty for new recruits was now a location of extreme importance. Hoplite knew that under the effects of Operation Drop, Princess Celestia’s claim to everything beyond these doors was forfeit. Not even a single sugar cube was to pass her lips until the entire household staff was given the green light. And for that to happen, Princess Celestia needed to lose weight. The plan of defense was very simple: Post two guards and keep anypony who was not white-listed from entering or leaving the kitchens. Not a very thorough plan, but it had worked thus far. “Shh! I hear someone coming from the kitchen!” Whoever had devised this brilliant plan, however, clearly had not factored a certain Night Watch into the equation. Secretly, Hoplite wondered if there were any deities higher than Celestia and Luna. If so, he had no doubt that they loathed his existence and had made it their sole mission to make his life as miserable as equinely possible. “Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on their face!” In the next few moments, Hoplite knew that the midnight she-devil he once again had the misfortune to be paired up with was about to cost him his entire career. He’d be forced to spend the rest of his life as a mall cop because he couldn’t hack it with the Royal Guard! No. It would be a happy day in Tartarus if he was going to let her win at her game. He was going to give her a piece of his mind. He strode up to her, a hearty dose of testosterone coursing in his blood. He was going to reaffirm his position as the alpha stalli- Lethe stuck her hoof in his mouth the second he opened it, trapping her companion’s tongue at the base of his mouth. “Shhh! even before you start. That was a pre-emptive ‘shh!’” The golden orbs of Lethe’s eyes narrowed dangerously. “Now, I have a whole bag of ‘shh!’ with your name on it, and by Celestia’s beard, I will beat you senseless over the head with it if you mess this up for me.” Hoplite wilted under the assault, and meekly nodded. Lethe, satisfied that he no longer proved a danger to her designs, dashed back to her prior position, leavening him to sullenly stand in silence. The doors to the kitchen swung open. The ebony mare pulled herself up to full height and puffed her chest out. “Who goes there!” she thundered. The cook in question halted the food trolley before the guards. “Just dropping off lunch to the Chancellor’s office,” he explained. “None shall pass!” declared Lethe, as she barred the narrow hallway. “Not unless they offer tribute to those who stand vigil over the border of Equestria-” “It’s just the kitchens,” muttered Hoplite. “-for safe passage.” Lethe said. Her hoof tapped the food trolley dangerously. “It would be a shame if the Chancellor didn’t get his lunch, wouldn’t you agree?” “Well then,” the cook said with a knowing smile. He reached under the trolley and brought out a covered dish. Lethe’s eyes grew wide in excitement and Hoplite’s jaw dropped that the mare was getting away with this. “I guess it’s a good thing I just so happened to bring a worthy offering for our realm’s staunch protectors.” He gave a wink to the mare and with much flourish whipped off the lid of the plate. Lethe’s mouth began to water at the sight. There, nestled gently between mounds of fresh raspberries was delicious, creamy, smooth, divine... “YES! CHEESECAKE!” cheered Lethe. She soared past Copper, snatching the plate out of his hooves. With a tuck and roll that defied the laws of physics, Lethe came to a rest with the plate rattling infront of her, a bite already missing from the dessert. She gave a moan of pleasure as she swallowed, her wings flaring erect involuntarily. Without any further acknowledgement to the other stallions present, she began to dig in with gusto. Hoplite could only numbly watch her in disbelief. “Here, I brought one for you too,” the orange pony said, as he pulled out another plate of cheesecake. “Uh, thanks, I guess.” Hoplite gave a defeated sigh and bit into the peace offering. He couldn’t deny it was one of the best cheesecakes he had ever had. The cook chuckled good-naturally. “Not a prob,” he said, and he nodded his head in Lethe’s direction. “You keeping her out of trouble?” “Do I look like an alicorn?” Hoplite sighed. The cook laughed and proceeded past the guards with the trolley. Lethe lifted her head from the plate, her lips rimmed with white. “It’s another masterpiece! A magnum opus to all things sugary, Copper!” she shouted down the hallway. The cook gave a grunt of approval as he disappeared around the corner. The mare lowered her head to continue eating, but Lethe caught Hoplite’s flummoxed look and blinked innocently. “What?” The stallion didn’t even bat an eye. “Why do you do that?” Lethe licked her lips, removing any trace of the cheesecake to oblivion. “Why do I do what?” “That!” Hoplite impatiently narrowed his eyes. “Why do you do stuff like that!” “Gonna have to be more specific than ‘that’.” Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop. “The cake! You just strong-armed a royal employee for cheesecake! Have you no shame?” Hoplite scolded. Lethe checked under all of her hooves and her under body with scrutiny. “Nope,” she said finally, “No shame here.” “We’re here to protect them, not demand gifts! Them, and both of their highnesses! How dare you abuse your position!” Lethe let out a mirthful laugh. “The princesses don’t need protection.” “What?!” Hoplite stammered, “Of course they do! That’s why they have us!” “Nooooo,” Lethe corrected him, “We’re here to stand here and look pretty. Well, at least you are.” She rubbed a hoof over his breastplate. “So pretty with your cute shiny armor.” “I can’t believe that you’d show such disrespect! We work hard to ensure that the castle security is impenetrable and that no possible harm can come to their highnesses!” “Right. So you’re about to tell me what a stellar job the Day Guard did in protecting the Princess when Nightmare Moon came,” Lethe asked knowingly. Hoplite was silent. “Or how both the Day Guard, Night Watch AND the Arcana Council managed to overthrow Discord and restore harmony to Equestria. Yes, we were of such use against God-tier level threats.” “…are you saying that they don’t need us?” Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop. “Those aren’t quite the words I would’ve used. I mean, they wouldn’t have hired us if they didn’t need us for something.” Lethe could only grin broadly at him. “You just take this job way too seriously. Besides, look at it this way... Mares love a stallion in uniform,” Lethe said with a wink. “I mean, why else do you think that Princess Celestia has you all!” “...I hate you.” Hoplite said dryly, his ears drooping as her words hit home. Lethe laughed long and hard, falling onto her back and kicking her hooves in the air. Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop. Thwop-pop. “I’m not some toy, Lethe,” Hoplite defended through gritted teeth. “Princess Celestia doesn’t see me or any of us in such a crude light. (Thwop-pop.) We serve them, life and body, and one day, mark my words, I will be noticed (Thwop-pop.) and have Princess Celestia’s-- what in the name of all that is hooven is that noise?” Thwop-pop-pop. All of a sudden, Lethe’s laughter cut short. Hoplite followed her gaze to the ornate ceiling, and the alicorn mare there. The white princess gave an embarrassed grin down at the awkward couple, her multi-hued mane hanging down from her like a sunset waterfall. “Oh… hello there.” Celestia said. She looked at the doors to the kitchen with a scowl, and then back down to the guards. “I guess this looks really bad, huh?" She began to step away, the irritating 'Thwop!' of the toilet plungers tied to her hooves echoing in the corridor as she did. “I suppose I’d best be on my way then.” A pair of dumbstruck guards stood stock still, their eyes glued on the goddess above him. “What-- Who-- argh! My brain hurts!” screamed Hoplite as he grabbed his skull. “How is she up there?!” Lethe raised an eyebrow. “Do you want me to explain the actual physics to you? Or are you just willing to accept magic and plungers as an answer?” Lethe turned back to the disappointed goddess. “What are you doing up there anyway?” Celestia sighed dejectedly. “Oh, you know. Trying to sneak behind enemy lines and into dangerous territory.” “Uh-huh,” Lethe answered, sounding unimpressed. “So...” Celestia smiled awkwardly at the two guards. “Can I pass through?” Lethe raised an eyebrow, remaining silent for a moment. “...No.” Hoplite flinched at the Night Watch’s blunt answer. Princess Celestia frowned. How dare these mortals say no to her! They were Royal Guards, sworn to uphold her every command! They owed her their very lives! No, she would not accept such insolence! “I demand that you move aside and allow me passage into the Royal Kitchens!” she commanded, her voice booming down the hall. She caught a glimpse of Lethe’s still unimpressed expression. “...please?” she added quietly. “No.” “Okay then,” Celestia mumbled in defeat, looking up at her hooves as she began turning around to make her retreat. Hoplite stared after her, dumbfounded with his mouth agape. Lethe merely watched on, frowning and looking almost disappointed. “That was...strange,” Hoplite muttered. He glanced down at the plate of cheesecake lying forgotten on the floor beside him. He turned to Lethe. “Say, do you want my cheesecake? I’m really not that hungry.” Celestia screeched to a halt in mid-step. “Cheesecake? I want cheesecake!” Hoplite’s eyes widened. “Oh no.” ThwopthwopthwopthwopthwopTHWOPTHWOPTHWOPTHWOPTHWOPTHWOP! The goddess’s slow retreat had unexpectedly turned into a full on gallop towards their position. There was a look of fierce determination on the goddess’s face as she charged headlong at them. If there was cheesecakey goodness behind those doors, than nothing could stop her from devouring it! Hoplite dashed for the kitchen entrance. “Hold the doors! We can’t let her get through them!” “More importantly, protect the cheesecake! Protect it with your life!” urged Lethe as she stood over her plate protectively. She gave a feral hiss at the inbound Celestia, baring her fangs. Hoplite shot her a look of disbelief. “So you’ll make the argument that we’re not here to protect the Princesses, but you want me to protect cheesecake?” “I have my priorities, you have yours!” Lethe shot back. The two could see the princess barreling towards them. This was it, Hoplite realized as he stood over the plate of cheesecake, closing his eyes shut as the sound of plungers attaching and detaching from the ceiling grew louder and more rapid. Lethe watched the maddened princess charge closer, realizing there was nothing she could do to stop the attack. She shut her eyes as she braced for impact. There was a huge, booming crash as Celestia made impact. Hoplite and Lethe flinched, but strangely they didn’t feel anything. They weren’t lifted into the air and sent flying, or slammed against the door, or felt anything strike against them. The two carefully opened their eyes only to see they were still standing in the hall, which looked no different than before. “What… just happened?” gasped Hoplite as he clutched at his heaving chest. “I… have no idea. Just be happy that it did, or we’d be on the far side of the moon.” Lethe answered. The two guards looked at each other. Then, as one, they looked back up at ceiling. Somehow, once again giving the middle claw to physics, the Princess’s ethereal tail had become snagged within the filigree of a chandelier, leaving the unconscious alicorn to dangle like an ornament. There was a pregnant pause. “I didn’t even notice that chandelier,” Hoplite finally said. “Apparently, neither did she,” Lethe commented. “How are we going to get her down?” he asked. “You have wings, don’t you?” she asked incredulously, keeping her eyes on the hanging goddess. As if to prove her point, her own limbs snapped out, the leathery membrane taut. “Help me carry her down, will you Hoplite? ...Hop? Are you even listen-” Hoplite was laying on the floor beneath her, knocked out cold from where the mares wings had smacked him in the face. Lethe gave a groan of disbelief, and then muttered a prayer to Luna. “Fine. I’ll get the ladder.” ******* Several Hours Later Swish-Chinkchinkchink. Swish-Chinkchinkchink. Swish-Chinkchinkchink. Celestia grunted as she hefted the trio of pick axes above her head. She swung them into the niche of stone in front of her, showering her fur with a spray of stone shards. With a doleful sigh, she looked back at the tunnel behind her, squinting into the darkness. The glassy surface of stray crystals trapped in the rock gleamed faintly from the magical grip on the tools. Bit by bit, the rocks were yielding to her. With a small flick, she swung one of her axes and broke the stone before her into pieces, and those pieces into smaller pieces and smaller pieces and smaller pieces and smaller pieces- Celestia had to admit that there was something rather therapeutic about the whole thing. Once she had rubbed away some sweat on her forehead, she pulled out a map and began studying it. Her hoof traced the lines that denoted the boundaries of the palace, guesstimating her current position. If she was right, and Celestia knew for a fact that she had to be, she should be right under the kitchen pantry. Celestia returned to her task, pressing her ear against the rocky ceiling above her. She could hear voices now. Good. That meant she was close. However, one sentence in particular caught her attention. “I am not wearing a hoofball helmet!” ******* Outside the Royal Kitchens “Aww, come on!” pouted Lethe, sticking out her lower lip. “No means no.” “I am so sorry. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Please accept my apology!” “You’ve said that a thousand times already!” He readjusted the bag of ice strapped to his forehead, wincing as he did so. “I’m perfectly fine,” the guard stressed. “In all honesty, I’m kinda getting used to taking knocks there now.” Lethe buzzed around his head, concern etched into her face. “Yeah, but that’s why I’m worried! We need to protect what few brain cells you have left! Wear the bucking helmet!” Once again, she tried to cram the monstrosity onto his noggin. It was a futile attempt, as Hoplite side-stepped the pegasus, leaving her to fumble in mid-air. The past few minutes head been nothing short of utterly ridiculous as Lethe had chased the guard around the narrow confines of their post, drawing attention from staff and noble ponies alike. It was like a foalish game of tag, and no matter how many times he refused, she persisted with the Celestia-damned helmet. Where she had gotten it on such short notice, he hadn’t a clue. “I have plenty of brain cells!” “Could’ve fooled me.” Lethe said with a grin. She offered the helmet to him again. “Here, take it.” “Keep it for yourself.” Hoplite said. He blew an exasperated sigh through his lips. “If Princess Celestia comes back, we might as well get all the protection we can get. There is no way we can stop her. We got lucky last time.” Lethe flashed him a smile, practically bouncing on her hooves. Hoplite had resigned himself that Lethe was bursting with energy with every bound, giving one Day Guard an agonizing headache from keeping track of her. Or maybe that was just the concussion again. “Nah, we can take her.” “Really?” Hoplite said, sarcasm lacing his voice. “I’m sorry, who was it who said earlier how useless we guards were against god-tier threats, or did I miss the memo? Is someone else raising the sun now?” Lethe winked and tapped her nose knowingly. “Ah, but that’s where you’re wrong. Princess Celestia has two vital flaws.” Hoplite wasn’t buying it. “And what are those?” he asked, his voice laced in disbelief. Lethe opened her mouth to answer, but the words died in her throat before coming out. She cocked her head to the side, her face screwed up in confusion. “Do you hear that?” “Oh, don’t change the subject just cause I’ve backed you-” “Shush!” Lethe scolded him. Her bat-like ears flicked, and she suddenly knelt to the ground, pressing the side of her head. Hoplite shut his gab immediately. He knew that Lethe wasn’t doing that to mess with him this time. Those ears of hers weren’t just for aesthetics. The Night Watch closed her eyes, burrowing her brow in concentration as her senses picked up the vibrations in the stone. “What?” Hoplite asked in a hush. “What do you hear?” “I hear... something,” muttered Lethe. “Down... down below us... coming from the crystal mines beneath the castle...” “...I swear, if the archeology guild delved too greedily and too deep again...” Lethe let out a loud shriek and practically shot into the air, falling back onto her rear as the stonework began to crack in the exact spot she was listening. The tiles pushed up and outward, and part of the ground around the cracks caved in beneath the surface and fell into the expanding hole. Hoplite stared on, dumbfounded as scuttling sounds could be heard coming from within the hole as it continued to grow. He spread his wings, getting ready to take flight if the hole expanded to the point that it swallowed him. It stopped far short though, and there was a moment of silence before something large and white suddenly broke through the surface. “Hah!” Celestia cried, as her muzzle pushed free of the stone and dirt. “Fresh air! Light! Now just to... to...” she looked up, finally noticing the two guards in front of her. “...what are you two doing in the royal pantry?” A pair of hooves, one black and one white, pointed behind her. Celestia followed them, coming face to face with the doors to the kitchen. The princess’s shoulders slumped. “I messed up, huh?” she asked. The guards nodded silently. “Wait...” Celestia dove back down into the tunnel. The dark mare smirked at her guard companion. “She has no sense of direction and is horrible at trigonometry.” Lethe answered as she rose to her hooves. She caught Hoplite’s look at her and shrugged her shoulders. “What? That’s your answer!” she said, gesturing with a hoof. After a minute of groping around in the dark, the sun goddess popped back out of the hole, and spread the map out on the tiles in front of her. “Let’s see...” she said to herself, magicking a compass and marking her current position. “I made a left here... passed the royal barricades... and went forty feet to the right and four hundred feet forward!” She looked back up. There was a good fifteen between her and the door. She looked back down at the map. Celestia face hoofed. “I knew I had gone to far when I hit the pool.” ******* Two Hours Later “This should be close enough.” Celestia gave a shrug of her shoulders, readying to surface after another couple of hours of digging. She suddenly burst out of the hole, showering the two guards in a shower of dirt. She extended her magnificent wings, shaking hours worth of dust from their plumage. “HAH!” she cried, throwing her hooves into the air. “At last, I’m inside-” “Hello,” somepony’s voice came from behind her. Celestia turned around to see Hoplite and Lethe standing in front of the doors to the Royal Kitchens. A huge hole, her previous attempt at surfacing inside the kitchens, sat in front of them. Lethe was waving cheerfully at her. “THAT DOES IT!” Celestia erupted, flinging the pick axes on the ground beside her in frustration. She pointed a shaking hoof at the two guards, her voice quavering from emotion and exhaustion. “You will let me inside the kitchens this instant!” Hoplite cringed in fear, but Lethe remained resolute. “I’m sorry Your Majesty, I’m afraid we can’t do that.” “Actually, I can-” Hoplite began shakily, only to have Lethe shove a hoof in his mouth before he could finish. Celestia towered above them now, staring down at them with a grim stare. She spread her wings wide, looking as massive and imposing as possible as she drew closer. Lethe stared back determinedly. “I am your princess, and you will obey me,” she growled, lowering her head so that her muzzle was but an inch from Lethe’s. “Stand. Aside.” “I don’t answer to you.” Lethe said, tapping her ebony Night Guard armor. “I see,” Celestia said darkly. She turned to Hoplite. The pegasus, to his credit, only flinched as the goddess' burning gaze swept across and targeted in on him. “And I suppose you, my trusted guardian, now also stand against me?” Hoplite gulped, trembling in his armor. Her eyes scared him. There was something deep within those magenta eyes. Something terrifying. Something primal. Something dangerous. Hoplite realised it was hunger. Oh yeah. There was no doubt about it. He was going to the moon. “My lady, forgive me,” Hoplite mumbled, his eyes downcast. If anything, he could at least know he did his duty in the end. “But I must uphold the oath and-” “You can bet your shiny horseshoes he does!” Lethe interrupted, butting heads with Celestia. “Hoplite’s not some flake that you can just push around!” Hoplite cringed. “But I-” The brazen Night Watch poked the goddess hard on her royal regalia. If Lethe had any sense of self-preservation, she wasn’t showing it. “So you can just march yourself back up to your room, and that’s that! You aren’t getting in!” “I am Princess Celestia, harbinger of the Dawn.” Celestia’s eyes narrowed, a solar flare erupting within her irises. “And I’d like to see you try and stop me.” ******* His body was hard — not hard like Milosevic, the Oxtrian strongstallion, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee. With his broad shoulders and slim waist, he was a yield sign — yet she could NOT! Sunkiss was on him like a piranha on a corn dog. “Oh Steel Shaft...” Sunkiss sultrily begged. “...ravish me.” The construction worker leaned in, his lips only a hair-breadth away- “What am I reading?” Luna wondered aloud, for what seemed to be the umpteenth time that day. A very exhausted Luna gave a groan as she stretched her wings. It had been a tiring day at the Night Court, and the princess found herself utterly drained. Many of the ponies whose proposals and disputes that had been dismissed by her sister always chose to attend her Night Court just to have a second bite at the apple. Normally, these too met a swift end via Luna’s stamp, but there were a few gems that Celestia had overlooked. For instance, a stallion had come to her tonight, highlighting the dangers that zombies and ninjas posed to current medical facilities, and proposed a training program to defend these buildings from ninjas, the undead, or any combination there with of. Luna was so impressed that she had granted the requested three million bits on the spot. Luna's mouth tightened ever so slightly. Yes. A good decision indeed. The mare looked out of her massive bedroom windows at her creation. The city of Canterlot was abuzz tonight. Clubs, theatres, and businesses flourished in the night. In truth, Luna couldn’t help but feel some slight envy for her sister’s position. Control one sun, and everypony goes crazy about you. Manage a million of them, and ponies can’t seem to handle the concept. They were almost like ‘Well done! You’re responsible for the entire night sky? You must get up very early in the morning.’ No, it wasn’t too disheartening. Things could be worse. She could be Celestia, plagued and harassed by servants and nobility all day. Nary a moment for her self or own pleasure. A luxury that Luna indulged in currently. At the moment, said princess lounged on the silken sheets of her own bed, her hooves grateful for the reprieve. A glass of deep red wine, something Luna was more partial to, levitated near at hoof. The comforting crackle of a small fire in her fireplace was all the music and illumination that a night goddess could wish for at the moment. “This is the life.” Luna murmured contently to herself, as she took a sip of her wine. She turned back to the book in front of her. The title of it was “Fifty Cries of ‘Neigh'”, and Luna had found it while organizing (aka: snooping and stealing socks) in the back of her sister’s closet. Luna had seen her sister reading it before and had seemed to thoroughly enjoy it. If Tia enjoyed it, then surely it had to be worth reading? …then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the face of a pegasus when they collide as the pegasi is performing a sonic rainboom. Luna didn’t understand what her sister saw in it. She just didn’t get it. A knock at the door brought the alicorn out of her intent reading and back into reality. Luna sighed, no doubt some servant or guard checking up on her. The palace servants were endearing, especially her sister’s Feather Duster, but sometimes they could be a little... well... smothering. “I bid ye entrance.” Luna called out, her horn glowing to lift the latch. The door swung open to reveal a lightly charred, yet thoroughly glued and feathered Celestia, Tiny wisps of smoke trailed off her fur and the blizzard of white chicken feathers that clung to her still sticky hide. She had endured numerous bumps and scrapes, and her royal crown was askewed on her forehead. Despite her mane and tail being alight in various places, the goddess was thoroughly soaked, complete with a full grown alligator firmly clamped on her tail. Luna took one look at her sister and returned back to her book. “Shall I even ask what happened this time, Tia?” the Night Goddess asked as she turned a page. “I’d prefer if you didn’t.” Celestia said, trudging into the room. “Just know that we have a pair of very resourceful guards.” She collapsed onto her little sister’s bed, burying her feather-covered face in the sheets. Celestia pressed a hoof to her scalp, snuffing the tiny flames that were collecting there. She gave a muffled shout of frustration, her entire body slumping forward as it gave out. “You were right! I was wrong! These ponies are starving me to death!” Celestia wailed. “I’m dying Luna and I need food! I’m either going to die from hunger, or our own staff will be the end of me!” Luna rolled her eyes. “Thou art being the dramatic one now, sister.” “Did you know that our palace has alligators in the moat? I didn’t. I didn’t even realise we HAD a moat,” Celestia stressed, as she took off one of her royal shoes. She tilted it, letting a trickle of swampy water empty out of it and onto Luna’s carpet. Luna excused the gesture as nothing more than her sister being as exhausted as she was, and a spell from both princesses horns evaporated the offending stain, leaving the midnight carpet spotless. “I had thy engineers construct one awhile back.” Luna admitted. It was something they had done shortly after her return, under the illusion that they could still be at war with the griffins. Not that a moat would’ve done squat against flying opponents, but honestly, what self-respecting castle didn’t have a moat? “I felt that our abode was lacking in proper defenses.” “But alligators?” Luna tried unsuccessfully to hide her smile behind the pages of the book. “They were half off.” “By the way,” Luna added as she brought her wineglass to her lips again, “Thou seems to have brought an unwanted guest with thee.” “Oh,” Celestia said, as she looked back at the gator. With a good strong kick the alligator was sent scurrying out of the door, whimpering. A few moments later, a maid screamed down in the hallway. Luna and Celestia ignored it, both perfectly content to remain lounging on the younger’s bed. “So should I be worried that Discord hast escaped once more or...” Luna began, but Celestia cut her off. “Like I said, we have a pair of very resourceful guards. Very resourceful.” “So what thou art saying is that two mortals, who have lived perhaps one-billionth of thy overall existence, who posses no magic whatsoever, successfully barred thee entrance to thine own cupboard?” Luna asked. There were tones of amusement in her voice, and it infuriated Celestia. “I didn’t lose!” Celestia emphasized, slamming a hoof on a pillow. “I did what any respectable leader should and tactfully withdrew my forces to strike them on their weakest flank. Which... just so happened to be here.” “So thoust ran like... a chicken?” Luna offered, her eyes twinkling as she took in Celestia feathered body. There was a deathly chill in the air. Celestia looked up at her sister. “Take it back, Luna. Take it back," Celestia ordered. She narrowed her eyes. She never thought that it would come to this. "Make me," Luna dared her, a smirk on her lips as she closed her book. She finished her wine quickly, and banished the glass and bottle. "That won't be hard." Celestia levitated one of the pillows on Luna bed. Luna had no time to lose. She shot out of her bed, grabbing a pillow for herself with her magic. As she approached her sister, she pulled the pillow back and swung as hard as she could. The sun princess took the pillow directly to the face and went flying backwards, landing on the floor. A dazed Celestia sat up, stars swirling around her vision, still keeping a firm grip on her own pillow. Shaking her head clear, she sent a dark look to her advancing sister. “Of course, you realize, this means war!” Celestia said, hefting her pillow. “I would expect nothing less of thee, Tia,” Luna said with a savage smile. With a bloodthirsty battle cry, the night goddess pounced on her sister. One awe inspiring pillow fight of the gods later... “I think... we should... call it a tie...” “Why... are you... too chicken to keep... fighting?” “Nay. It is because... we seem to be out of munitions...” Celestia sat up from where she had been lying on the floor to see that her sister spoke the truth. Both sister’s pillows were now just thousands of feathers floating through the air. The tattered remains of their weapons hung around each others horns, now nothing more than loose rags. As it now looked, the room they were currently in would have to be reclassified to ‘disaster zone’. A hearty amount of feathers covered every square surface of carpeting and furniture. “Alright then. We’ll call it a draw.” Celestia got to her hooves. “It seems we must,” Luna said as she returned to her place on the bed and retrieved the book, levitating it before her. It was only now that Celestia noticed the familiar cover, which bore an illustration of a young, dainty mare resting within the forehooves of an exceedingly handsome, broad-chested stallion with a flowing blond mane. “Where did you get that?” Celestia asked suddenly, looking at the book in Luna’s hooves. Her face hardened. “Were you poking around in my stuff again? I thought I told you to stay out of my room! For the love of us, don’t you know boundaries and-” “Does Feather Duster know you were trying to skip your diet?” “-I hope you enjoy the book. Really good novel. One of my favorites,” Celestia finished hurriedly. Luna idly turned a page as her sister began pacing across the room. “This has gone on long enough,” Celestia fumed. “It’s time to change tactics!” “Mmm,” the moon princess murmured, staring at the pages in front of her. “Yes!” Celestia cried. “Those two are no match for the wisdom of thousands of years of divine experience!” “Ahuh,” Luna responded absentmindedly, her attention now thoroughly focused once again on the book in front off her. ...his chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool on it... Celestia continued passionately. “I’ll show them!” she shouted, pumping a hoof in the air. “If stealth and brute force won’t get me past those two, then I’ll just have to outsmart them.” ******* Outside the Royal Kitchens “This is new,” remarked Hoplite. He had seen many things in his short time as a guard to the Royal Sisters. Going into the job, Hoplite expected adventure and danger. After all, there was nothing normal about serving the bodily divine. But now? Now Hoplite was only just beginning to understand that this was the weirdest career he could have picked. Standing before them, its plume scratching the top of the ceiling, was a giant wooden chicken. It had been messily cobbled together with what looked like loose planks, tables, and what even looked like a dart board hammered together and rested on a rickety frame of wheels. It was a miracle that the thing had so much as even fit through the narrow door frame. Though, Hoplite reasoned, when a divine being was pushing it into place, miracles tended to be a dime a dozen. Lethe was not as easily impressed. “Eh. I’ve seen bigger.” Hoplite gave a tired groan. Only one mare could have been responsible for this. He was just surprised that a pony whose talent was raising the sun knew so much about carpentry. The princess’s antics were beginning to drain him. “Why does the crazy stuff always happen to me when I’m around you?” “You know,” Lethe said with a small grin, “I actually ask myself that question sometimes.” She trotted up to the giant chicken and rapped her hoof against it’s side, nodding at the hollow noise it made. “I’ve heard that Princess Celestia always had a thing for big-“ Hoplite shot her a glare. “Finish that joke and I’m never speaking to you again.” “…fine. Roosters,” Lethe finished lamely. So, what should we do with it?” “Well,” Hoplite suggested hesitantly, “Maybe if we give it to Chef Ram Sea, he’d give us more cheesecake.” Lethe grinned in response and flung a hoof around her comrade’s shoulders, hugging him close. “See that? That right there? That’s what I’m talking about.” Lethe ripped off Hoplite’s helmet and ruffled up his blond hair. “I am so proud of you.” Hoplite grumbled something under his breath about ‘crazy bat-mares’, but couldn’t help but match Lethe’s contagious smile as he readjusted his helmet. He helped her grab a hold of the harness, and brought it into the kitchens. Unbeknown to either of the two guards, they were being watched. Had either of them had the sense to look behind them, they would At the far end of the hallway, a pair of glowing magenta eyes took the whole thing in with glee. A certain white alicorn was pressed up against the wall, trying to be stealthy and failing pretty badly at it. “Those little foals... do they not know who they deal with?” Celestia whispered gently to herself. She rubbed her hooves eagerly,her heart pounding in excitement. Everything was falling into place, exactly as she had planned. No variable was left unchecked, no possibility unexplored. For hours she had worked in secret, taking neither drink nor sunlight to sustain herself until all was ready. “Clearly thou did not learn thy lesson before?” came a voice, and Celestia gave a bleat, jumping around to face her sister. “Luna!” Celestia cried joyously, a far too wide smile stretched across her lips. “You’re just in time to see my brilliant plan unfold!” She grabbed her sister, and turned her head towards where Hoplite and Lethe were pulling the chicken. “Look!” Luna took another look at the wooden chicken before it vanished behind the great swinging doors. “The wisdom of this plan eludes me, dear sister. I entreat thee to enlighten me as to how a fowl construct will gain thee access to our cupboard.” Celestia patted her sister on her head, beaming the whole while. “Oh Luna, it’s really quite simple. Those silly guards have pulled the chicken right past the wards and into the kitchen. What they don’t know, however, is that I’m hiding inside of the chicken!” Celestia gave an unusually high pitched giggle. Luna merely nodded. “I see. What of the rest of thy design?” “Well now, the rest is really quite easy! I simply wait until nightfall, and then leap out of the chicken, taking the cooks by surprise - not only by surprise, but totally unarmed!” Celestia tossed her hooves into the air. “It’s brilliant! Foalproof! And nopony can stop me!” Luna let her sister have a few moments of cackling triumphantly, impromptu lightning and thunder clashing in the background. “A word, Tia?” “What is it sister? Do you wish to tell me how brilliant my plan is?” “Actually no,” Luna said gently with an apologetic smile. “I just wanted to point out that I might have noticed a teeny tiny flaw with thy plan.” Celestia gave an offended gasp of disbelief, her face reddening in anger. “What do you mean, a ‘flaw’?!” Celestia growled, stomping a hoof on the carpet. “This plan has no flaws! That’s why it’s flawless! Flawless, do you hear me! What could possibly be wrong with it!” “Well,” Luna began slowly. Perhaps the best approach to this was to point out the obvious. “To begin with... thou are not in the chicken.” Celestia seemed to freeze in place. One of her eyes twitched dangerously, but other than that, she stood as still as stone. “To be fair, it was a pretty good idea,” Luna said, trying to lift her sister’s spirits. “I mean, it did work for the Fleecians. Although I don’t think that anypony in this day and age would have fallen for it. By far not the most stealthy approach,” Luna admitted. “But you built it all by yourself,” she hurriedly added. “Which in the end, I guess, is all that really matters... Tia?” Luna waved a hoof in front of her sister’s face, hoping for some sign of attention. She checked her neck for a pulse. She had even done an unspeakable thing. Something that would have normally warranted at least a week on the moon had Celestia been of sound mind. Luna had put her tongue in Celestia’s ear, but there was still no sign of life from her. Luna was beginning to worry that she had somehow broken her sister. “I guess I’ll just see what else is in her closet...” Luna murmured to herself. “No!” Celestia protested a few seconds later, her irises now the size of grains of sand. “I’m not here! I’m there!” Luna gave a sigh of relief, slightly happy that she wouldn’t have to be in charge of the Moon and Sun today. She gently poked her sister in the chest, finding it solid. “Nope. Definitely here.” Celestia recoiled in shock, silently gaping at her sister as hard reality came crashing down. She galloped back to the corner, and with wild eyes stared back down the hallway. Hoplite and Lethe had just left the Royal Kitchen, and were carefully balancing plates of cheesecake on their heads. The wooden chicken that she had spent so many hours labouring over was long gone, no doubt sacrificed to the great God-King that was her personal chef. “But-” Celestia began, her eyes shimmering with water. She sank to her knee’s, unable to stay upright any longer. Celestia began to silently weep to herself. “I was so close... so close... so close... so close...” She punctuated each word with a pound of her hoof against the floor as she cried, cursing the madness of it all. “So... Tia.” “So close... so close... so close...” “I think that it would be best were I to leave thee-” “So close... I was so close...” “Thou art obviously busy-” “So close...” “-so I’m just going to go now...” Luna trailed off, slowly backing away. As she turned to leave her sister, Celestia noticed something about her. She took in her midnight hair, with the galaxies themselves contained within the strands. Her sister’s dark navy flank, a crescent moon held within a splash of black. But what she noticed the most was blue... blue everywhere... That was when Celestia had an idea. A wonderfully evil idea. A cunning smile spread across her face as the plan wormed itself in her brain, its vile roots taking hold. Princess Celestia couldn’t enter the kitchens. But Princess Luna could. ******* Later... again... “What fresh hell is this?” Hoplite asked himself. As though it was the most common thing in all of Equestria, Princess Celestia trotted down the hallway, a trail of large paint cans following in her magical wake. How did they know it was paint? Neither of them could miss the small trail of dark blue drops leaking from the lids of the canisters. She gave a pleasant wave to the two guards as she walked by, as though she hadn’t been trying to subvert them for the past few days. “She just doesn’t give up, does she?” Lethe remarked to Hoplite, admiration in her voice. He shook his head in agreement. “I have got to give her credit though,” Lethe continued, “When the mare is on a mission, it doesn’t look like there’s a whole lot that can stop her." “I can think of one mare who could pose a challenge.” Hoplite said, offering a small smile. Lethe found a rather shy smile gathering on her face, and turned to hide the pink of her cheeks. “Wanna play strip poker?” Lethe asked suddenly as she brought out a deck of cards from somewhere in her armor. Hoplite face hoofed, if but to hide his red face. “For the love of Luna, NO!” “Somebody call for me?” came a merry voice from down the hallway. Hoplite and Lethe turned their head to see a certain blue alicorn heading their way. Before Hoplite could open his mouth to call back a greeting, Lethe grabbed him by the cheeks and brought him close. “Okay, listen,” Lethe said hurriedly, as she looked down the hallway. “We should get our stories straight, all right? If Princess Luna asks, and she’s NOT gonna ask, don't worry, but if she does asks, tell her as far as you know, the last time you checked, her sister looked pretty much in one piece. No glue, no feathers, and I didn’t, I repeat, didn’t-” Lethe stressed, “-throw her in the moat while yelling ‘Eat hearty!’ to the alligators.” “Lethe,” Hoplite began slowly, his eyes locked on the approaching navy figure. “What was is that you said you saw Princess Celestia with?” “Blue paint, why?” “Because doesn’t it seem awfully convenient how Princess Luna decides to visit that kitchen only minutes after Celestia walked by with blue paint?” Hoplite asked, raising an eyebrow. Lethe took a moment to digest this. “You don’t think...” “I think we’re dealing with an impostor.” Hoplite finished, his blue eyes steely as he visually dissected the approaching goddess. For the first time since he had known her, Hoplite was surprised to hear hesitation in Lethe’s voice. “I dunno, Hop.” Lethe said, biting her lip. “Are you sure?” Hoplite nodded an affirmative. “Positive. Princess Celestia has thousands of years of experience under her belt, and I’ve seen her change her shape. I’ve seen her become everything from a young filly to an old nag, and of each type of pony. She does it whenever she wants to go into Canterlot without getting harassed. No doubt she used the paint to help her look like Princess Luna.” Lethe nodded. To a degree, it made sense. “So what do we do?” “Simple. We get rid of the paint.” “....are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “It depends,” answered Lethe, “Does it involve the alligators in the moat again?” Both guards quickly ended their conversation as the princess drew nearer, breaking apart and resuming their positions on either side of the kitchen doors. “Greetings,” Luna offered, smiling at the guards as she approached. “We, your Princess Luna and not our sister once again attempting to sneak past you, request access to the Royal Kitchens.” The two guards looked at each other for confirmation, and saw it in each others eyes. They nodded simultaneously. This was so easy, it was just sad. “Now.” Quick as a flash, Hoplite and Lethe had tackled the navy alicorn to the floor. Luna, caught in surprise by the sudden movement, swiftly found her wings pinned by Lethe’s hooves. Hoplite held down her rear hooves. “Nice try, Princess Celestia.” Hoplite said. He almost lost face when he noticed that Lethe had a bucket of soapy water close at hand. Where in Tartarus did that mare get these things?! “What madness is this?” Luna demanded, struggling underneath the weight of the two guards. She gave a scream of indignant shock as Lethe poured the bucket of water over her head, soaking her completely. “Unhoof us!” Luna screamed as she tried to remove Hoplite, who was frantically scrubbing at her fur with his horseshoes in a valiant effort to rub out the paint. “Hop... the paint isn’t coming off...” Lethe said, a tinge of fear entering her voice. “Scrub harder! She’s only trying to fool you!” “Hop, I don’t-” “Watch, she’ll turn white any second now!” “-she’s not-” “There, you see?! White! Her fur is...wait, no, that’s just soap.” “HOPLITE!” screamed Lethe, her eyes wide with fright. The stallion looking up from where he was trying to scrub off Luna’s cutiemark. “What is it?” Hoplite asked with a frown. With a trembling hoof, Lethe pointed down the hall. There, at the end of the hallway, was Princess Celestia-- and she was covered in blue paint. Not just covered in blue paint; the goddess was drenched in it. It still dripped from her hair and face, her flank shiny and wet. No attempt had been made to cover up her now green cutie mark, or the myriad of blue streaks in her mane. “WE HAVE ARRIVED!” The goddess announced, as she tossed her mane back with her hoof. Stray droplets of wet paint flung themselves from her hair, splattering across the nearby wallpaper in an arc. “AND VERILY, WE REQUESTETH A CHEESECAKETH!” “...I do not sound like that.” Luna said, pulling her wet mane out of her eyes. Hoplite blinked slowly at the blue pony at the end of the hall. “Wait... if that one is Princess Celestia... than this one is...” He looked down at the wet mare under his hooves. She was angry. Very angry. He quickly scrambled to his hooves, fur whiter than it had ever been. “Oh. Oh my.” When he looked back up at where Princess Celestia had been, there was nothing left but a trail of blue horseshoe prints leading around the corner, and the frantic running of a mare who knew she had been caught in the act. Lethe looked back down at her liege, quickly removing her hooves and backing away. “Princess Luna?” “We... are not amused...” the goddess said ominously. With a glow of her horn, the water extracted itself from her mane and fur, dispersing into a mist that surrounded the angry alicorn. She gave a long hard look at the blue paint on the floor, and then turned her gaze on the two guards.“Explain thyself!” Lethe whimpered, seeming to shrink on herself. “Princess Luna!” Hoplite interjected, standing in front of Lethe. “I was the one who suspected you were an impostor. It was all my idea, Lethe had nothing to-” “SILENCE!” The Princess of the Moon towered above the quailing guard. Lethe gently put a hoof on Hoplite’s shoulder and shook her head sadly. The Night Watch bowed her head, and stood before the Night Goddess. It broke Hoplite’s heart to see his companion's eyes misting over. “I have given thee an unparalleled honor, Private Lethe. Under mine watchful eye, thou were inducted into the ranks of the fabled Night Watch. An honor not held in over a millenia!” The look of anger in the alicorn’s eyes was enough to send a dragon fleeing. “Thou hast become one of the smartest, strongest ponies in all of Equestria. I did this so you can serve this noble house, and uphold the safety of Equestria in mine name! Not so thou couldst assault me for attempting to get a midnight snack from my own kitchen!” Lethe cringed, each word like a knife to her heart. “There is only one punishment suitable for this offense!” Luna bellowed, white righteous fury present in her eyes. Lethe and Hoplite looked up at the princess, at a loss for words. Luna leaned down, winked, and whispered in their ears. “Get me a slice of cheesecake too, would you?”