//------------------------------// // Luna's helpline is the thing everypony needed. // Story: Princess Celestia doesn't care about the friendship reports anymore // by pasieka17 //------------------------------// My Little Ponies I convinced my royal sister, that for some time I will be handling the friendship reports. Although when I approached her and delivered her an oration on how my days are empty without having any true responsibilities and how those dusty letters laying in corner would be such an excellent timekiller, she didn’t raise her eyes from above the latest `Royal Stools` catalogue, she still mumbled “Sure, whatever”, so I took it as a good sign. My sister said that the correspondence with you can be a “one hay of a boring mofo” (I certainly hope not!) and she showed me an answering machine she’s been using for last four months. I must admit, that it is the most peculiar device, and it reduces the troubles of writing a letter to adjusting a few switches and pulling a lever. You still have to cast that transportation spell though (maybe that’s why Celestia still was bothered with having to respond to your letters). I’ll use the machine a few times immediately after sending you this letter, so you can get a taste of its capabilities. I think that we can agree on a little less formal style of our letter exchange. I get the feeling that it could be one of the reasons Celestia brought this thing to the palace, because when she hoofed me the device, it was adjusted to SEMIFORMAL/FRIENDSHIP REPORT RESPONSE/FEW CHEAP FLATTERIES/REQUEST FOR LESS CONTACT, and it was all covered in dust, aside from the lever. Anyhow, I still think that our mail should be split to avoid suspicion from my sister (if you plan on writing more than once a week). I advise you to send your Friendship Reports and findings about Cutie Marks via Spike, and any other mail as a registered letter through the pegasus post. Princess Luna My Faithful Student I was really glad to read through your latest Friendship Report. I immediately hoofed it over to Canterlot College for it to be analysed. I think that if you and your friends keep up the good work, you are very likely to be granted the Doctor of Phillysophy title. I await your next report, although there is no rush - I won’t be upset if I have to wait a couple of weeks for it. Your Loving Teacher Princess Celestia Thats what I got without changing the switches - Luna To all my subjects These are difficult times, and difficult times call upon desperate measures. Due to Everfree’s wolves breeding season I must ask all the ponies in adjacent settlements to stay in their homes immediately after dusk, and not come out before dawn. To speed up the wolves’ breeding, nighttime will be extended. With deepest sadness Princess Celestia FORMAL/CURFEW/SOME CHEESY COMPASSION/WILDLIFE - Luna Hey there gorgeous! I’m a very picky stallion, but I saw you one day... or was it a sweet dream? You consume my thoughts. I love mares with a glance of mystery in their eyes, an alluring muzzle ready to speak the words of love... But it would be a shame if the filly of my dreams suffered from dryness of her marehood. Did you know, that this particular issue affects as much as 25% of mares in her late twenties? There’s really nothing to be ashamed. Our newest line of lubricants is suitable for Earth Ponies, Unicorns and Pegasi alike. We provide the highest level of secrecy. Just send a letter back to me - the post officer will know, where to deliver it. Your ruler Princess Celestia INFORMAL/SPAM/INFORMATIVE/EMBARRASSING, I still didn’t figure out where do I put the senders name and style of it - Luna. Dear Princess Luna Thank you for agreeing to respond to our letters. We are shocked to hear about the answering machine, although Rainbow Dash says she understands the idea perfectly. We are also kind of disturbed by the messages it can produce, especially Fluttershy (she is hiding in the closet right now). Disturbed, but curious as well, and we would be glad to look at that machine someday. To our annoyance, Rainbow Dash tries to guess which one-and-a-half of us suffers from the issue the note made us aware of. We will begin our studies on Cutie Marks immediately and we won’t overuse your permission to write you on any matter bothering us. Your subjects and friends Twilight Sparkle, Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Rarity and (when she comes out of the closet) Fluttershy. PS. We all agreed not to tell Pinkie Pie about our little arrangement for now. We are sure that she would exploit the possibility to keep in touch with you, as she says you must have been very sad for the last millenium and she wants to change it. When the time is right, we will tell her. Hey Navy Sis! So, is this an official bitching channel or not? I can’t even tell how much of a relief it is to be able to write someone about what bites ya, in your own words. I mean, when we were writing to Celestia I was thinking all the time about choosing proper words so her royal white flank wouldn’t lock me in a dungeon. Twilight says you can do those scary white eyes anytime you want it. Cool. Well I was supposed to write something about this Cutie Mark mumbo jumbo, so I looked at some flanks today at Cloudsdale. It was kinda weird, spending all day staring at asses, but I guess it has to be what a stallion’s day looks like. Anyway, I didn’t notice anything unusual, most of the pegasus Cutie Marks are connected with weather and being less awesome than my Cutie Mark. So I guess the destiny of almost every pegasus is to work your flank off in the weather factory. Makes me wonder if Scoots won’t too eager to discover that she signed an interminable employment contract by being born. Radical as always Rainbow Dash PS. Scoots told me, that one of her pals at school has an anorexia talent. Sucks to be him, I guess. Still searching for diabetis Cutie Mark, I’ll ask the Cakes about their clients. PS 2. I’m making a list of mares over 25. Is there any official record of citizens? At the moment, I have just you, Celestia, Granny Smith, Rarity’s mom and the Mayor, and I don’t feel like asking everypony else. It would be embarrasing for me. Dear Rainbow Dash I think, that you may have a slightly different concept of “little less formal style” than I have. I don’t want to get you into trouble because of it. If however it is really easier to express yourself when you are not bound by any rules, I think I can accept a completely unrestrained note once in a while. Just don’t make it a habit. Yes, I can make those eyes if I wish. It is really helpful when there’s a power outage in the palace. I’m saving the second part of your letter as a first report on Cutie Mark research. As for the register of citizens, ask the local authorities, like the Mayor. The Princess of the Night Luna Hi Princess! It’s your super-sweet huggy-muggy Pinkie Pie here! So I was talking to Twilight one day, and she said something like we are supposed to find out something about the deeper meaning of Cutie Marks and send it to Celestia, and I was like Okie-Dokie-Lokie (because why not, huh, huh, huh?)! But then when Twilight came out, I met with Rainbow Dash and she said that we are supposed to write to YOU, and that it would be the best if I wasn’t writing about Cutie Marks at all but instead cheered you up because you are so gloomy. I like the word gloomy, although it is kind of sad. Rainbow also said something about “this” (I don’t know what exactly) which is somehow “going to be good”. Sometimes I don’t get her. Anyway, I was wondering what it was like being on the moon all that time, so I attached a list of relevant questions I need answers for. Is it cold out there? Did Princess Celestia let you take your toothbrush? (I hate using borrowed ones) Chimicherry, or Cherrychanga? (well it’s not really moon related, but I need as much input on this matter as possible) That’s a short list, I know, but I couldn’t think of anymore right now. I think that we’ll be PFFs soon. I’m guessing that you missed a whole lot of birthday parties, so I’m making you your first present now. Love and Laughs! XOXO Pinkie Pie PS. The bouncy rubber snakes attached to the letter are not your birthday present, It’s just kind of my signature, and it seemed like a good idea. What do you think? Dear Princess Luna I’m proud to present you my first report on the Cutie Marks, co-written with Rarity. It may be even one of the first breakthroughs we will stumble upon, and an answer to a burning question: “Why there’s nopony that has a singing cutie mark?” Sure, we occasionally meet a pony which has a Cutie Mark related to music - but the source of this mark is always an ability to play musical instruments, not singing. This puzzled me even more, when I heard Sweetie Belle sing (It’s my little sister - Rarity). I mean, this gal has lungs. Unfortunately, she will have to look elsewhere if she wants her Cutie Mark so badly. We considered the following facts: - Sapphire Shores, famed singer, is a “blank flank” - basically, everypony in Ponyville is a great singer. What is more, we think that you can’t even surprise anypony with a sudden musical number, they’ll just all join and will perform the chorus. Well, we think, that singing can be excluded from the “talent” category. For ponies, having “singing” cutie mark would equal having a “legs” Cutie Mark (we are still investigating the horseshoe Cutie Marks though). Yours faithfully Twilight Sparkle Rarity PS. We are sending this report through regular mail, because Spike is feeling sick lately. I think that the transportation spell Celestia put on him to turn him into a fax machine causes nausea, if it is used too frequently. Princess Princess Luna Silly me, I wrote the word "Princess" twice. Anyway, here's the first birthday present, I hope you like it! I painted it myself. Second one will be tomorrow. Still waiting for your opinion on Chimicherry versus Cherrychanga. Kind of big deal. XOXO Pinkie Pinkie Pie PS. At first, I doubled "Pinkie" just for the other "Princess" not to feel lonely, but now I think it looks and sounds good. "Pinkie Pinkie" looks nice, don't you think? I think I should make it my second name, if I didn't have one already. It's "Diana". Pinkie Pinkie Diana Pie? Or maybe Pinkie Diana Pinkie Pie? Hard choice. PS 2. I think that there should be one "Pinkie" for each "Princess" in our letters. PS 3. I hope you liked the rubber snakes. I'm sending more. PS 4. Princess Princess Princess Princess Princess Princess 'Sup Loo Dash here. I figured out, that some ponies have Cutie Marks that represent their social status, like bags of money, or jewelery. I came up with an experiment. As a Princess (and my pal) you are probably wealthy, right? Or, if you don't have any dough right now, maybe you can do some dispossession tricks. I don't mind the details. Anyway, just send me some real money, like a few bags of bits, and I'll give them to Scoots. If she gets a cutie mark - that's good, and it will help her self-esteem, and probably will get her a better stallion in future. Yeah, we all know those gold diggers, don't we. If, however, Scoots doesn't get her cutie mark then our little Dashie here will turn to... Wait for it.... Rainbow Cash! BAM! Made it up myself. NIIIICE. We split fifty-fifty. Hay, I'd even go with fourty-fifty with ten for Scoots. No data on diabetis talent yet, or other illnesses. Quite a shame, it would help the doctors to do their job. Soon to be rich, Rainbow Dash PS. Joking about the money experiment. Just in case you were wondering. Still bucking curious about the wealth talents. Can a Cutie Mark be won on a lottery? PS 2. About thirty dry mares in Ponyville. Dear Princess Luna I think we warned you about using the transportation spell to often, and when Spike is feeling sick, you certainly should not send any packages through the transportation spell, at least not PAINTINGS. Please, tell me, why exactly did you send us a 20 x 30 inches painting of you and Pinkie Pie having party on the Moon, with a "PPP & PPL PFF 1/1000" caption on it? What the hay does it even mean? Anyway, you know, that the transportation spell sends things to Spike's stomach when YOU use it, right? Well, thank you for my perfectly clean floor. That one's a history. I think, that we should stop any correspondence for a while, at least until Spike feels well again. I'll tell Applejack, that her report on Earth Ponies' Cutie Marks can wait for a while, she'll understand. Mildly upset, but still your friend Twilight Sparkle PS. "I've had it with these mother-bucking snakes in these mother-bucking letters " ??? You're note is puzzling, just in case I send you a soup recipe, by Fluttershy. She says you can be suffering from avitaminosis.