Chapter One Hundred and Ninety
I instantly appeared in Flo’s glade, with her in front of me. At the moment, I had the same body I had before the coma. “I thought I told you two not to interfere,” I said.
“I am not Flo,” Flo said. “I am merely what your mind chose to create as your guide.”
“Oh, you’re actually one of the visions. Cool.” Of course, there’s nothing stopping Flo from lying to me… Except for Aqua, that is. “Can you explain how this whole thing’s gonna work?”
“You will come face to face with the things that have turned you into the person you are today,” she said. “And this spell uses emotional ties to link you to the minds of those who were central to those events. You will gain something with each event that you pass, turning you into more and more of a complete person as you go.”
“Can you tell me whether my mind was purposefully messed with?”
“It was,” she replied. “The things Aqua did to you make it impossible to determine if Flo did anything to you. Your mind was also magically altered multiple times, and it was touched by things beyond this life.”
“You mean the undead?”
“I do. Ava had many effects on you. As did the trauma you received in the bunker.”
“...Don’t tell me we’re going back there.”
“We most definitely are.”
I sighed. “Well, let’s get started, I guess.”
“We will be joined by other spirits as we go,” she said. “They will take on forms familiar to you, but they will be representations of ideas, feelings, and thoughts. Some might be hostile, depending on how you choose to progress.”
“What happens if one of those representations dies?”
“Your mind will be radically altered. I will be unable to interact with them. I am merely here to help you progress and try to explain things as we go.”
“As the guide, do you represent anything?”
“I do not know. Do you have any further questions?”
“Where do we begin?”
“You did not exist prior to your creation here in Equestria, so we will go back no further than your so-called arrival in Equestria. We can start from the beginning or work our way back. The choice is yours, but once you pick, you cannot change your mind.”
“I think a whole lot of my problems existed prior to my arrival. That’s like, half the fucking reason I came here!”
“It is beyond the scope of this spell to access memories you didn’t actually experience. You are just a shadow, a golem. Those memories are not yours.”
So much for getting rid of all that neglect and childhood trauma. I was really hoping for an all-in-one alternative to a decade of therapy. “That’s complete bullshit, but whatevs. Let’s start from the beginning and work our way forward. If I can survive it once, I can do it again.”
“Are you ready to see what truly defines you?” my guide asked.
“Uh. Yeah? That’s why I decided to do this coma.”
“Good.” Her eyes flashed and we vanished.
We appeared somewhere dark. My eyes almost immediately adjusted and I saw myself standing out in one of Applejack’s fields. It was my original body, the one I very dearly wanted back. Before I could walk over, Luna landed next to the other me.
“This is the night you first met her,” my guide said. “Do you remember?”
“I remember meeting her, but not what we spoke about.”
“Do you remember how you felt?”
“Surprised. I had no idea why a princess was wasting time with me.”
Twilight’s voice came from behind me. “Of course, you had suspicions.” I whirled around and there she was, standing next to another Luna. “Even then, you were suspicious of them. You knew exactly what they were both up to, didn’t you?”
“And it scared you,” Luna said. “You were utterly terrified of both sisters before you even met them.”
“Hi,” I said. “Do you two converse, or just monologue?”
“I am Reason,” Twilight said.
“And I am Fear,” Luna said.
“That’s… interesting.” And somewhat surprising, given how retarded Twilight usually is. “You’re right, though. I did have suspicions for why she was there. I thought she was checking up on me, making sure I was staying out of trouble. I also thought she was trying to get a measure of me by catching me off guard.”
“And your reply caught her off guard,” Reason said. “Your first meeting with a princess left you quite a lot to think about.”
“And it brought you no end of anxiety,” Fear added. “You knew it was only a matter of time until you were forced before Celestia herself, and the thought of it horrified you.”
“Everything Twilight told me made me think she was a tyrant,” I said. “All the fear in the populace instantly made me wary. I never wanted anything to do with either sister.”
“I have a memory to show you,” Fear said. One of her hooves lifted up and pressed against my forehead. My eyes glazed over and I started seeing a third person perspective of a conversation between Celestia and Luna.
“Twilight told me he will be at Applejack’s farm tonight,” Celestia said. “He often has trouble sleeping. Without a lot of books to keep him company, he’ll likely head out for a walk. Try to find him. Pretend to bump into him. Learn as much as you can. Befriend him if possible.”
“Why?” Luna asked. “He is no threat to us. This is a waste of time.”
“You are not the only one who is lonely, Luna. Navarone is the only one of his kind. Twilight says he is wistful and depressed. Most ponies are too… innocent for him to be comfortable around. From what she has described of him, I believe you two might get along. More to the point, some of the other reports she’s sent, concerning information about where he came from, bear considerably more investigation. I want you to get to know him. Learn what kind of being he truly is. Learn whether he can be trusted to actually tell the truth. And then grill him for everything you can about his homeland.”
“We could get much faster results by digging into his mind. Or torturing him, if he proves resistant to magic.”
“Yes, we could. But Twilight seems to like him and she certainly feels responsible for him. He has done nothing to harm anyone and seems content to make a life for himself here, even if he’s still depressed about his arrival. Besides, you know the combat potential of bipeds. From the body diagrams she’s sent of him, his body is perfect for use as a special agent. If you can befriend him and deem him trustworthy, we’re going to make use of him.”
“Hm.” Luna’s head tilted. “One of the reports said he was an omnivore, not a predator.”
“That’s even better,” Celestia said. “Predators act too much on instinct. Omnivores are a perfect match of instinct and reason. See what you can learn of the battles his kind waged, as well. If it sounds promising, start thinking of uses for him. Given how young he is and how little he possesses, it should be very easy to tie strings to him.”
“As you wish, sister,” Luna replied with a shrug. “It would be nice to begin rebuilding my core army around a central figure. I have plans for Blossom, but she lacks the mind of a predator. If he does make a good soldier, I would like him.”
“If you befriend him, you keep him,” Celestia said with a nod. “Now go. Applejack should be heading to bed soon.”
“At once.”
The memory ended and I found myself back in the field with the others. “They were planning to use me from the start!” I shouted.
“They were,” Reason said. “But Luna never did ask about your homeland. Not really.”
“Maybe she thought I was untrustworthy. At the time, I kinda was. I didn’t put much value on truth.”
“What does this new revelation add to this night?” my guide asked.
“Anger,” I said. “Luna went into this from the beginning planning to use me. She never thought it was worth mentioning.”
“Be careful with your rage,” Fear said. “You might draw something here.”
“I don’t give a fuck. I’m here to draw everything out and confront it. Luna and Celestia both planned to use me from the start and that fucking pisses me off!”
“Feed that anger,” Blaze’s voice whispered. I looked around, but didn’t see him. “You had suspicions from the start that they were up to something. Why would a princess ever come to see you? Did you really believe her lies? You let them use you!”
“I guess that makes Blaze my anger,” I said. “I don’t really know too many angry people, so it makes sense. You’re right, I did let them use me. I honestly didn’t have much of a choice. In Equestria, you obey the princesses or you disappear. And that completely incensed me! It made me get up and do something about it!”
“But not with anger,” Reason said before Anger could pipe up. “You used logic and reasoning to get to where you are, not rage.”
“Yeah, but this little thing was a wakeup call. I should have gotten angry sooner. I should have done something sooner. I acted as Celestia’s tool for far too long!”
Blaze finally appeared with a burst of fire, standing closer to me than the other two. “You are a human, Navarone! Rage is what makes humans move! It is not reason. It is not fear. Anger gets attention. It gets movement. It gets results! You have been passive for too long. You have forgotten your rage!”
“I have,” I said. “I’ve forgotten my rage. I’ve forgotten my passion! I’ve forgotten how to live and feel. You are all here to remind me. This,” I said, waving my hand toward the other me. “This is a slap in the face. This is my wakeup call. I’m done drifting. I’m done being asleep. I’m done being used and I’m done being someone’s tool. You are going to make me the leader this world needs and I am going to drag it into the future, kicking and screaming!”
“Are you ready to continue?” my guide asked.
“Lead the way.”
Her eyes flashed again. The scene vanished first, then all the apparitions went with it.
The next place we appeared was Pinkie’s bedroom. Three ponies were on the floor, playing spin the bottle. I was one of them. Pinkie and Rarity were my two abusers, both of whom were smiling at the uncomfortable look on my face.
“Oh, my first rape,” I said. “Just what I wanted to see.” I walked over and sat on the bed, sighing.
Kat suddenly appeared and placed an arm around my shoulders. “They hurt you,” she whispered, snuggling up against me.
“They broke you,” Spike said on my other side, placing his arm around my back.
“They used you,” Fear said from behind me, placing her hooves on my shoulders.
“So that’s Fear,” I said. “Spike’s a dragon, so… Pride?”
“Correct, I am Pride,” he said.
“I am Pain,” Kat said, slashing my face with her claws. It hurt, but I didn’t bleed.
“My friends betrayed me this night,” I said. “They knew I wasn’t interested in mares. That didn’t stop them from using hormones against me. They may have meant well, but it still sickens me that someone who could call me a friend would do such a thing.”
“And yet you were afraid to push them away,” Fear said. “Afraid to say anything. Afraid to tell anyone…”
“With your pride shattered, you felt weaker than ever,” Pride said. “Betrayed by friends and you had no one to tell…”
“They hurt you in a way no one since ever could,” Pain said. “It was utterly delicious!”
Great, she’s psychotic here, too. “I’d say it was pretty shitty. So, do we have a memory attached to this one?”
“We do,” Pride said. One of his scaly claws went up to my forehead and I saw Pinkie’s room again, this time with just Pinkie and Rarity.
“I know you’re in estrus too!” Pinkie whispered. “There’s a sexy hunk of a stallion right in my bathroom! C’mon, why are you trying to stop me?”
“It’s Nav!” Rarity hissed. “You know he isn’t into mares! Every time I try to talk to him about dating Twilight, he immediately shuts me down.”
“To be fair, I wouldn’t date Twilight either.”
“That’s neither here nor there. You shouldn’t be trying to snatch Twilight’s prize.”
“He won’t be much of a prize if he never starts to think of ponies as possible partners, silly. You should have seen how he was acting earlier, before you arrived. He’s actually been flirting with me! Maybe the reason he never thought of us as partners is because we never tried giving him a chance. He needs this, Rarity. He’s been here so long, all alone, without any real physical contact… He barely lets us hug him, he hates my parties, he barely talks and when he does, most of it’s negative, and it’s so obvious he’s in pain. But now’s our chance to wake him up, Rarity. Now’s our chance to try and help him. He’s a pony, like us. We need to show him that he’s really one of us. Maybe we can convince him to stay like this!”
“I don’t like the idea of convincing him to stay. This body is torture for that poor colt. But… if he was flirting with you… perhaps he’s warming up to us. Fine. We’ll give him the choice.” Her horn lit up and two roses appeared. “We’ll do Ponyville’s traditional formal proposal. If he accepts, we… sooth our estrus. Perhaps Twilight will thank us for teaching her prize more about how to please a mare.”
“It’s a win-win for everypony!” Pinkie said, grabbing the rose with a hoof.
The vision faded, putting me back in the room with the spirits and ponies.
“Well, that makes me feel just about as conflicted as before,” I said. “Like I said, I knew they had good intentions. I didn’t know Twilight staked her claim so early, though.”
“What Rarity wanted for you and what Twilight actually felt might have been two very different things,” Reason said.
“That’s true. Rarity’s a typical pony. Whatever she thinks is the best outcome becomes the truth to her, regardless of the actual facts. Twilight may have mentioned a crush or Rarity might have just been completely imagining things in her psychosis.”
“They hurt you, Navi,” Pain said. “They conspired together against you, knowing your aversions…”
“That’s not what I just heard,” I said. “Rarity had misgivings. Pinkie was just reacting to my advances. Neither of them realized that the pheromones might be an issue until it was too late. I won’t deny that I’m pissed that it happened, but I honestly don’t know if I can keep blaming them for it. They did what they thought was best, what they thought I wanted.”
“They destroyed your confidence,” Pride said. “They—”
“Made a mistake,” I butted in. “A stupid mistake. A mistake they both absolutely regret and have apologized for more times than I can remember. This event hurt me. It broke me in ways I might not ever fully understand. But I’m tired of living with it hanging over me.” I hopped off the bed and walked over to the three ponies on the floor. They were currently frozen in time, so I stared at Rarity for a few seconds before moving my gaze to Pinkie. “I told you both that I forgave you. I wanted to, for so long, but a part of me was always holding back, despite what I said. I’m finally ready to let go. This broke me… but I can mend. I can forgive. I can let go. I can… move forward.”
“You would so casually let go of your rage?” Anger whispered. I looked around the room, but he hadn’t actually appeared. That was a good thing, because her room wasn’t all that large and it was already kinda crowded.
“What part of entering a coma that I might never escape from specifically to cleanse my mind and move forward screams casual to you?” I asked. “I knew I would be making tough choices. I’m prepared for the consequences of those decisions. This choice isn’t casual. It’s just a long time coming. I can’t let the past haunt me forever, not when the people involved have changed for the better. I’m ready to move on. There’s nothing left for me here.”
“So be it,” the guide said. Her eyes flashed and we disappeared.
The next place we appeared was the palace at Canterlot. Celestia and I were just walking into the gardens. Looking at the awkward and somewhat scared expression on my face, I’d guess it was the day we first met.
The guide nodded. “This was, in fact, the first time you met,” she said. “Breakfast was your first conversation with Celestia. She took you to the gardens after, to begin measuring you.”
“She wasn’t the only one being judged,” Reason said from behind me. I looked that way to find Twilight, Luna, and Taya standing together. “You were rapidly forming your own opinions, weren’t you?”
“I was,” I said. “The mask she was wearing here did its job. After meeting her, I went home feeling good. I thought I was safe.”
“Did you?” Fear asked. “You saw cracks in her mask. Those cracks worried you. You saw even more in Luna’s mask.”
“You hoped this was it,” Taya said. “You wanted this to be the end of your interactions with Celestia. She invited you back, but you hoped to never make the journey again.”
“So I’m guessing you’re hope?” I said. She nodded. “Huh. Figured you’d be love. Maybe that’s Cadance, then. You’re right, I did hope I never had to see Celestia again. I hoped she was on the up and up, but I had my doubts.”
“You knew someone as ancient as her couldn’t possibly have such an upbeat personality,” Reason said. “You suspected this was just a mask.”
“...I did,” I said. “At the time, I didn’t know what was underneath it. But most of the stories Twilight told me conflicted with what I saw. The mare I met that day was delightful and pleasant. It was disguising something so disgusting and horrific that if I knew at the time, I probably wouldn’t have been able to contain my fear.”
“They dashed your hopes with a smile on their face,” my fake daughter said. “They slowly let you in, draining you little by little. This was where the first hooks began inserting themselves.”
“Even back then, after you first met her, you were still suspicious of Luna’s motives,” Fear said. “And you had every reason to be.” Once again, her hoof pressed itself against my face.
Celestia and Luna were in the anteroom of Celestia’s bedchambers. “I brought him as you asked, sister,” Luna said. “What did you make of him?”
“His behavior is interesting. His manners certainly need work. He’s extremely bitter, depressed, and lonely. He also has some amount of charm, when he chooses to use it. He seems clever, but not well trained. He thinks he hides his emotions well, but I was able to read him fairly easily.”
“He mentioned his city holding millions. He mentioned a global market.”
“...And he wasn’t lying,” Celestia sighed. “There is more to his past than flights of fancy, as Twilight seemed to think. With only one intelligent race on their planet, they must have accomplished much.”
“What strikes me are the similarities in our worlds, according to what he’s told Twilight,” Luna said. “So much seems the same…”
“He’s obviously noticed it, too. I have a suspicion Nav is from somewhere closer than we first thought. It’s entirely possible that Twilight found some manner of time spell that let her take something from the far future, where signs of our influence are still around but everyone has forgotten about us. If that is the case, it could be that his race is the one that wipes ours out.”
“I’ve never heard of anything like him before,” Luna said.
“There are intelligent primates in Africa,” Celestia said. “I’ll send orders for my agents there to begin learning more about them. It’s possible there’s an undiscovered species somewhere that we haven’t yet found.”
“Perhaps that is why our expeditions far to the south have all failed,” Luna said. “And why so many parties we send into Africa never return…”
“I have suspicions about the land south of us, but I have no idea what could be in Africa. There are a few nobles here in Canterlot I need to get rid of. I think I’ll find an excuse to send some of them there, where they can do less harm and more good.”
“In the meantime, what will we do about Navarone?”
“Some of the things he said made me agree with your assessment. He is likely from a warrior culture that extolls killing to at least some degree. He is yours to do with as you please, as long as you keep him in check.”
“Excellent! I was hoping you would say that. I already have plans for how to make him mine!”
“Don’t be too hasty. Wait until after the Gala. I will arrange for him to be there. Spend some time with him in a formal setting and see how he behaves. If it’s too rough, he’ll need to stay in Ponyville until Twilight can finish teaching him manners.”
“As you command. How did you actually feel about him?”
“Cautiously optimistic. I believe he could be of great use, if we can get around his rough edges.”
Luna smiled and shook her head. “That isn’t what I meant. What did you think about him? His personality? You told me to befriend him. Do you think you would do the same?”
“It’s possible. His perspective is a breath of fresh air, at the very least. I definitely plan to have more talks with him.”
Luna’s grin deepened. “I’m glad to know you approve. Now, I shall let you get some sleep.”
The memory faded away, leaving me staring at the other me and Celestia being surrounded by animals. “Wow,” I said, shaking my head. “Just wow. And these memories are actually real?”
“They are,” the guide said. “Brought to you by the link you share with Luna. How does this new revelation make you feel?”
“Honestly? Kinda pissed. Where’s Anger?”
“It’s been a long time since you willingly summoned me,” he said as he appeared.
“Yeah, well, that shit was fucked up.”
“Don’t give in to anger,” Reason said. “It may make you feel better, but you will solve nothing if you live your life in rage.”
“Yeah, but when I mix my anger with my reason? That’s when I get results. You two need to start getting along. I feel like I’ll take considerably less shit if I start showing my anger more. I’m tired of having to avoid stepping on toes or offending people. I’m tired of all my behaviors being dictated by others. I’m tired of so very much and this coma will be the end of all of it. Bringing all of you in balance is what that means. I can no longer pretend to be emotionless. I can no longer bury everything.”
“Well said,” Anger replied, clapping me on the shoulder. “Stop hiding me! Show the whole world the power of your rage!”
“Oh, I most definitely will,” I said. “I will turn Tartarus into a bloodbath the likes of which this world has never seen. I will cement my name in Equestria’s legends. I will force the world into peace. I’m tired of being passive. It’s time to be active. It’s time to lead.”
“I really hope you know what you’re doing,” Hope said.
“I made the backup for a reason. It’s easy to be blindly confident when you have a save-state. And to be honest, I really can’t make myself worse. So let’s move on.”
My guide’s eyes lit up and we vanished once more.
Instead of appearing in another memory, we showed up in the glade. “Something is changing,” the Flo lookalike said. “Shortly after you arrived, your body was mutilated. Things are growing back, but something… new is in your mind.”
“What do you mean, in my mind?” I asked. “Did Hera or Athena do something to me?”
“No, this isn’t an external influence. This is something… growing inside you.”
“Well, I am part plant. Is it having any kind of effect on me?”
“I don’t know.”
“Well, nothing I can do about it from here. Shall we continue?”
“As you wish.” Her eyes flashed and we took off again.
Our next stop was my first Gala, which wasn’t really too surprising. “This is where Luna and I had our first kiss,” I said, crossing my arms. In fact, she and pony-me were in the process of walking back out into the maze. I sighed and followed.
“This is when you knew something was amiss,” Reason said.
“You still hoped you could walk away clean,” Hope said.
“But you had a feeling it wasn’t going to happen,” Fear sighed.
“Still though, kissing a princess did kinda make you feel pretty good,” Pride said, chuckling.
“Can’t deny that,” I said. “Though kissing a horse felt weird as fuck. At this point, I very heavily suspected she had a crush on me. I just tried denying it to myself and pretending otherwise because I really didn’t want to deal with it. I didn’t feel the same way and I didn’t know how to tell her. I was also afraid to tell her.”
“There’s no telling what an ancient, possibly evil princess might do to one who spurns her advances,” Fear said. It was really weird hearing Luna talking about herself like that.
“She seemed reasonable enough,” Taya said. “You hoped she would realize you weren’t worth it and leave you be.”
“You knew there was no way it could ever end well, even if you were interested,” Twilight said. “You would be recreating the beauty and the beast.”
“Don’t call Luna a beast,” I said. “That’s rude.”
“You never even thought to capitalize on it,” Pride said. “You never even thought to try and make her yours! You could have been a prince!”
“I thought horses were gross, especially after my experience with Rarity and Ponka. So what’s the memory here?”
“There are two,” Fear said. I stopped and turned to them. She lifted her hoof up and poked me in the face.
Celestia and Luna greeted me once again. This time, they were in Luna’s dreary room. “So how was your night?” Celestia asked.
“It started well but ended poorly,” Luna said, looking fairly depressed. “Stealing him away from Twilight was easy and I quickly found a way to make him my date, but he… does not seem to return my feelings…”
“What feelings?” Celestia immediately asked.
Luna realized what she said and her face lit up red. “F-forgive me, that was the… w-wrong word. I’m still relearning my vocabulary… He doesn’t seem interested in working for me.”
“Patience, sister,” Celestia said. “Always have patience. Tell me what he did.”
“Well, I decided it would be better to see how he behaves when I know he is on his best behavior. Getting him in the position of my date accomplished that. He knew what was at stake and handled himself admirably. He told off a hussy who tried to steal him from me and he danced with me as though it was second nature. And yet…”
“And yet…? What did he do to make you feel so dejected?”
“I was… I was told that dates normally… end with a kiss. I was also told that the stallion usually initiates… When he did not, I took matters into my own hooves…”
“You kissed him?! Tell me there were no witnesses!”
“We were alone in the maze. There was no way anyone could see.”
Celestia sighed in relief. “I don’t know why you would do such a thing. So you kissed him and yet you still feel down?”
Luna sighed and looked down. “The look of pure shock and… other things… on his face told me everything I needed to know…”
“Of course he was shocked! You’re a princess! You shouldn’t be going around and kissing anyone! He’s probably horrified of what would happen if I found out!”
“Well, now you know. He has no interest in me…”
“Because he was shocked that you kissed him? Luna, he just spent the night as your date, making you look good in front of everyone. From the whispers I’ve heard, your reputation will be getting quite the boost from this. He’s perfect for you. Continue moving forward. He will make a wonderful agent.”
“I am… not so sure that is wise. He has made no hostile actions toward any sapient creatures so far, at least as far as I know. It seems he just wishes to live his life in peace. Perhaps we should leave him be.”
“He was fully prepared to kill a monster hunter who came after him,” Celestia said. “He had his weapon prepared and seemed utterly confident that he could win, despite the hunter being a unicorn. Given how you described it, I would not be surprised if he could win. If Twilight was able to prepare this weapon off a basic description Nav gave her, imagine what he could create for us if we gave him real resources!”
“I truly don’t get the feeling he wants to serve me. He just wants to be my friend!”
Celestia sighed and shook her head. “Luna, part of what you’re supposed to be doing right now is making him want to serve you. Of course, that doesn’t mean he can’t still be your friend. But always remember that you are a princess. He, as a citizen of Equestria, is your servant by default. Don’t be afraid to remind him.”
“That isn’t what friendship is about. Nav and Twilight both have taught me that.”
“Hm. Perhaps this was a mistake. Fine, then. If you want to let an asset with such potential go to waste, we can leave him to his own devices. Put him out of your mind, Luna. Focus back on your normal duties.” Luna’s eyes slammed wide open. Celestia finally stood and started walking out.
“W-wait! He’s my friend! Can’t I still see him?!”
“Why?” Celestia asked, looking back. “You can make plenty of friends here in Canterlot. Friends who actually know their place in society.”
“That also isn’t how friendship works! Twilight told me that friendship is special, that you can’t just throw it away! How could I just abandon him now?”
Celestia finally turned back to face her sister. “Did you read the report about his homeland?” she asked. “No royalty. Do you know why?”
“I didn’t see that report, no.”
“His people fought a rebellion against their royals and won. They’ve been living free of any royal control for a few hundred years. That kind of thinking is poison, Luna. He talks about it freely, about how wonderful living in a country ruled by other citizens is. It doesn’t surprise me in the slightest that he refuses to obey you. He would likely refuse to obey half the orders I’d think to give him, too. But do you know what that means?”
“...I do not.”
“If something is poisoning your nation, you get rid of it. Navarone has an unknown amount of knowledge with the mindset of a revolutionary and a personality jaded and depressed enough to match. I’m giving you two choices, Luna: You either tame him or you make sure he has an accident on one of his hunting trips.”
“W-what?” Luna whispered.
“That is how you handle threats. Perhaps you forgot in your time on the moon. I’ll give you time to think about your choices. Good night, Luna.” Her horn lit up and she vanished. A few seconds later, Luna actually started crying.
The memory faded away and I woke up to Luna kissing the other me on the mouth. “Holy fucking shit that was evil,” I said. “I am so glad we killed her!”
“As an aside, Celestia was lying,” the guide said. “She is good at it, but her body language still gives it away. She did not intend to actually kill you. She was just manipulating her sister into continuing to work on you.”
“Is that supposed to make it better?”
“I do not know. I was merely providing context.”
“So, what are we gonna do?” I asked, looking back to the aspects. “We gonna talk about this memory first or are we gonna view the second memory now?”
“What would you have done if you had this context?” Reason asked.
“I don’t know. Nobody would have believed me. I guess if I knew Celestia was thinking about killing me this early on, I would have just become Luna’s servant and did whatever they wanted. It might not have been glamorous, but it would have been better than being dead. Of course, knowing what I know now, I’m glad I didn’t go down that path.”
“Fear would have ruled your mind,” the fake Luna said. “It would have confirmed everything you suspected about the sisters. Perhaps running would have been a better option…”
“Where?” I asked. “And how? I had no money. I didn’t really have any way of getting much. Going south to Mexico would be too dangerous. North to Gryphus would have been an option, but that’s so close they could easily find me. Getting across the ocean would require money and even then, the only place I could safely go away from Celestia and Luna would be China. Running was never an option.”
“Perhaps you should have led a revolution,” Anger whispered.
“At the time, I thought Luna was my friend. I didn’t want to hurt her. And more, I still had my doubts about the sun and moon. I wasn’t completely sure that they were lying. I couldn’t risk being wrong.”
“So did you take anything away from this memory?” the guide asked.
“Yes. Luna fell for me harder than I realized. Celestia didn’t realize at all, or so it seemed. Also, Celestia was even more of a bitch than I realized. That was legitimately evil and I honestly feel sorry for Luna. I was angry at her earlier and a part of me still is, but it’s being overtaken by pity.”
“There are still more memories to come,” Reason said. “Are you ready for the next?”
“Sure.” Her hoof was the next to poke me in the face, though she had to stand on her tippy-hooves to make it.
This memory was taking place in Twilight’s bedroom in the library. She was lying on the bed, looking all kinds of depressed. Dash was lying next to her, a wing over her back. “Come on, Twi,” Dashie said. “It couldn’t have been that bad! Just tell me!”
Twilight sighed and laid her head down on the bed. “He left me there by myself…”
“What?! Where did he go?!”
“Luna stole him away,” she sighed, rolling away from Dash. “We weren’t even there five minutes before she snatched him!”
“What do you mean, snatched him?” she asked.
“She ordered him to accompany her! She wanted to use him to keep annoying ponies away from her!”
“Wow, talk about rude!”
“That’s just what she said, though,” Twilight said, rolling back toward the prismatic lesbo. “She turned him into a pony and then paraded him around as her date!”
“What?! She stole your date for herself?!”
“Yes!”
Dash jumped right out of the bed. “I’m gonna go give her a piece of my mind!”
“No!” Twilight jumped right down and grabbed Dash’s tail as she tried to fly out. “It’s the princess!”
“Fine, then I’ll go give Nav a piece of my mind! I can’t believe he cheated on you on your first date!”
“W-well… About that…” Twilight dropped Dash’s tail and used the hoof to awkward rub at her neck.
“What about that?” Dash slowly asked.
“W-well… I never actually… asked, so to say…”
“What do you mean you never asked? You two went together, didn’t you?”
“Well, yes, but…”
“But what? You went together. That makes it a date!”
“Not when you tell him very clearly that it’s just a cultural showcase and a chance to let the ponies of Canterlot see him…”
Dash finally turned around to just stare at Twilight. “You never actually told him it was a date?” she finally asked.
“...I was too shy.”
“Wow. And I thought Fluttershy was bad. At least it’s in her name! You can’t complain about another mare stealing your stallion if he doesn’t even know he’s yours! And you can’t be mad at another mare stealing your stallion if she doesn’t even know he’s yours!”
“I know!” Twilight sighed and looked down. “But it still hurts…”
“Don’t let it,” Dash said. “This just means he’s worth pursuing! If even a princess is going for him, there has to be something there! But it means you have competition now.”
“C-competition?! What?!”
“Luna, duh! If she took Nav as a date, that makes her your competition. So we’ll have to work together to keep them away from each other. We also have to make sure she doesn’t get any chances to impress him.”
“B-but… We can’t do that to the princess!”
“Why not? She’s trying to snatch your prize, Twilight! You can’t just let that stand! If you want him, you gotta fight for him.”
“...Wow. I never thought I’d be competing with a princess.”
“I don’t know if I’d call it a competition. Luna seems weird and creepy. You’re cute and cuddly! There’s no way a cool guy like Nav would ever go for her. Honestly, I bet she just ordered him to date her.”
“...She didn’t have to really pressure him that hard to get him to leave.”
“Why would she? You were dragging him there for some boring cultural crap! He was probably just looking for an excuse to leave. The Summer Wrap Up festival is coming up soon. Why don’t you try to take him on a date then?”
“That’s a great idea! It’s another perfect cultural event, so—”
“You’re going to ask him to join you there. As a date. And if you wuss out, I’ll do it for you!”
“W-what?!”
“Or should I just go tell him right now?” she asked with a smirk. “C’mon, Twilight! He’s just a few meters away, probably feeling all kinds of lonely… You could have him all to yourself right now if you only just asked!”
“It has to be the perfect moment! Nav’s thoughts on ponies are still… delicate. I can’t just casually ask him out!”
“Sure you can. Either he says yes or he says no. If he says no, you wait a few more months until he’s been here longer and is more desperate and you ask again. If he still says no, he’s gay and we’ll let Rarity know so she can set him up with the perfect stallion.”
“I’m extremely confident that Nav is straight,” she said. “I just don’t think he’s interested in other species, which I suppose I can understand. I just hope he gets over it, because the local human dating pool is nonexistent.”
“Maybe we should let Pinkie take a crack at him,” Dash said. “After a night or two with her, he’ll be a lot more open-minded.
“No, I want his first time with a pony to be special. Besides, he really doesn’t seem to like Pinkie.”
“Nah, Pinkie said he’s just faking. I mean, she annoys me sometimes too, but nopony could ever dislike her! Now, if you want his first time to be special, you need to make sure it’s with you. There’s no telling what Luna might do to him after a thousand years with no practice. That means you need to actually ask him out. The clock is ticking, Twilight. The princess won’t wait forever.”
“...She won’t. I’ve been stopping Nav from getting a few of her letters, including the invitation she sent him to the Gala. After Nightmare Night, I told her about every other major festival Ponyville has, so she also knows it’s coming up…”
“Then you better think of a way to ask, and fast.”
Twilight sighed and hung her head. “I know…”
The memory faded away, dropping us back in the maze. Luna and the other me were both gone.
“Luna did end up beating her to the punch,” I said. “I remember Twilight asking me what I was doing that day, now. She did seem more nervous than usual, and she also seemed very down when I told her that Luna already asked me to join her.”
“Who would you have preferred?” Reason asked.
“That’s a very good question. At the time, I thought Twilight was annoying, preachy, short- and narrow-minded, and kind of a bitch at times. I thought Luna was spooky sometimes, but the fact that she was a princess scared me even more. Luna’s personality fit me better, but the thought of being a prince was way too much for me. Of course, the thought of being Nerdlight Sporkle’s permanent magical experiment didn’t appeal, either. Half the shit she asked me to do was horrifying and the other half was just dumb. I guess Luna, but only barely. The more I think about either option, the more I wish I had just settled on Fluttershy and dedicated my life to pacifism.”
“And throw away all that you accomplished?” Pride asked.
“I was going on the assumption that I had to pick. And if I had to pick, Fluttershy would probably have been it. Honestly, I thought most of them were trying to hook me up with her, not Twilight. I had no idea that everyone was in on it except me. To be honest, I’m surprised she decided to try and compete with Luna, though she definitely didn’t try very hard. Obviously things turned out way better than if I had dedicated myself to Fluttershy and stayed away from all the trouble in the world.”
“And how does the knowledge that your friends conspired against you like this make you feel?” Fear asked.
“It’s not surprising,” I replied with a shrug. “Though I wouldn’t call this conspiring. It’s mildly insulting in some respects, but it’s honestly something I’d expect from the ponies. I took a lot away from the first memory, but this one didn’t really do much for me aside from confirm a suspicion.”
“Then shall we move on?” my guide asked.
“One second.” I walked over to Hope so I could pick her up and snuggle her. She was sitting there looking all cute and cuddly, so I just couldn’t resist. As soon as I touched her, my mood soared and I felt like I could do anything!
“It might not be wise to touch those things,” my guide decided to say after I touched one of them.
“Your cuddles are nice,” Hope sighed. “I hope they never stop…”
That sounded like a pretty good reason to stop. I set the filly back down. The euphoria immediately started leaving me.
“So what’s next?” I asked.
Summer Wrap Up, apparently. My guide and I found ourselves standing in front of a large ferris wheel. Luna and the other me were just getting on. “This is when Luna first tried really coming onto me,” I said. “She took me up there where I couldn’t get away. The only reason she didn’t manage to kiss me again is because she waited too long to seize her chance.” I turned around before anyone could speak up, expecting to see some people behind me, but nobody was there.
“It scared you,” Fear said from behind me. I turned around again and sure enough, there they were. This time it was just Fear and Pain. “You felt utterly helpless.”
“I could feel my heart sink straight through my stomach,” I said. “What she did utterly terrified me. And then Rainbow Dash came to the rescue… sort of.”
“And then Luna sent an animal to attack you,” Pain said. “It bypassed everyone else and bounded straight toward you. She wanted a chance to save your life, to make you desire her.”
“Fluttershy ran and hid, which is completely understandable. Dash went straight in the air. I tried to get Luna to fly with me, but she attacked instead. And instead of using magic to deal with it quickly, she tried showing off by kicking it. And then Dash accidentally hit Luna instead of the monster, letting it come straight for me. By the time Luna could save me, I was already unconscious.”
“Your first real brush with death here in Equestria,” Pain said. “Your first wake up call that maybe not everything in Equestria was as it seemed, especially given what happened when you saw Celestia and she confirmed that Luna did it on purpose, and then attempted to gain revenge with a moth.”
“Oh, are we not gonna sit through that one?” I asked. “Awesome, I was hoping we’d skip it. So, what memory do we have with this one? I bet it’s another Celestia and Luna one, isn’t it?” Luna’s hoof reached up to poke me.
Sure enough, it was another Celestia and Luna memory. This time, they were in their dining room. It looked like Luna might have been crying. “I need you to tell me exactly what you’ve been up to and why,” Celestia said. “You’re making things… difficult.”
“...You told me to hasten things with Navarone. I attempted to do so. I failed.”
“Exactly what you’ve been up to, Luna. And why. There’s clearly more to this than my request.”
“Your order! Or more like your threat!” Celestia didn’t rise to the bait, just lifted an eyebrow. “The day of the festival, I went into the Everfree and enchanted a beast to attack Nav on my order. I tried to persuade Nav to… to work with me, but I failed. I called in the beast. I hoped that if I could save Nav’s life, he would feel indebted to me. It did not work out.”
“Clearly. Rainbow Dash accidentally hit you, leaving the monster clear to hit Nav. But that was not all. Why did you send that moth?”
“Rainbow Dash was a threat to my pursuit of Nav. She needed to be put in her place. A little paralytic venom would slow her down for a while. Maybe give her a little… perspective.”
“...You do have feelings for him, don’t you?”
“What?!”
“He knows you do, Luna. It was obvious as day, after you tried to kiss him again!”
“He… he knows how I feel?”
“Of course he does. Nav may be inexperienced, but he is no fool.”
“Did he… Did he say—”
“He’s not interested. Horrified at the thought of it, to be honest. Put this silly crush of yours out of your mind, Luna. Even if he did return your feelings, it could never be.”
“H-horrified?” she whispered.
“Oh, yes. Or at least, he seemed to be. I can see why he would be intimidated.”
“W-what? Why?!”
“Because you’re ancient. He’s practically just a baby in comparison. You have to admit how immature he is. That would not be a good partnership. Put it out of your mind. Get back to thinking about how we can put him to use. If you find yourself incapable, I’ll do it myself. And if I find myself incapable, then I will take it upon myself to make him disappear.”
“Why can’t you just leave him be?”
“Any one being living in my kingdom who is not subservient to me is a threat, Luna,” she said. “Especially when that one being is an unknown species with unknown knowledge that comes from a world without royalty. Navarone is dangerous. He will either be put to use or he will be put down. So, are you ready to put this nonsense crush of yours behind you and get back to work?”
“...Fine.” Her horn lit up and she vanished.
Celestia shook her head and sighed. “That poor human… I know! I’ll send Twilight a letter. A Pinkie Party would surely make him feel better!”
The memory faded away, revealing Pain hugging me tight. “Oooh, you feel so wonderful!” she whispered.
As soon as she finished talking, my body started aching. I immediately pushed her away. “Yeah, you’re gonna need to stay hands-off. So, once again, Celestia was a complete and total cunt. I’m very glad she’s dead. And again, I kinda feel sorry for Luna, even though she got me attacked by an animal and attempted to poison Dashie. I had no idea she knew I was horrified of her. I can’t believe Celestia treated her like this. It sure does explain a lot, though.”
“How does this revelation affect you?” the guide asked.
“It gives me more to talk to Luna about, but I don’t know if I’d say it really affected me all too much. At this point, it’s exactly what I was expecting. The two sisters were working together behind my back the whole time. At some point, Luna decided she wanted my hot monkey dick and she stopped trying to recruit me. That made Celestia irate, but apparently she still didn’t actually want to make me disappear. If I remember right, this was around when I started thinking of Celestia as the more reasonable sister.”
“Neither sister was the reasonable sister,” Fear said. “You learned that lesson far too late.”
“I wouldn’t say that. Celestia did a lot of horrible things to me, but I came out on top in the end.”
“She didn’t cause much physical harm, but she caused lasting mental and emotional harm,” Pain said.
“She did. That’s what we’re here to fix. Now that I know she was conspiring against me from the start, I feel much better about what happened. For a while, I thought it was what I did with the naga that piqued her interest in me, and that it was my own fault that I got stuck in Egypt.”
“Why were you afraid of Luna’s desires?” Fear asked. “Why were you afraid to return her love?”
“I wasn’t afraid to return her love,” I said. “I was afraid that I couldn’t. At the time, I wasn’t ready to love a pony. I felt that was unfair to Luna. Also, I actually was intimidated by the thought of an ancient goddess-princess falling for me. I thought she was either making some kind of huge mistake or she was trying to use me. I didn’t look quite as bad as a deviantart OC back then, so I didn’t expect things like princesses falling for me.”
“It was wise of you to think she was trying to use you,” Pain said. “After all, what else about you would attract anyone, let alone a princess?”
“The fact that I’m a human and that they’re half-fae. That little bit of knowledge goes a long way to add perspective to everything that happened, and it gives me an idea for how to move forward. I think the fact that I’m so promiscuous is driving everyone even more insane than usual, because they think my affections are easy to gain and keep. I need to pick someone.”
“Or more than one person,” the guide said.
“As tempting as that is, I’m not sure even that would be a good idea,” I said. “Having two means more could always be invited in. For stability, I might need to marry exactly one. I’ll have to decide that based on the memories I see. Now that I know what to look for, it should be more obvious.”
“Why would you ever want to marry?” Pain asked. “It’s not like anyone could ever stay with you, half-fae or not.”
“I don’t think that’s true,” I said. “There will be way too much pressure to keep things going, for political reasons if nothing else. That’s why I need to make the right choice. This coma is giving me valuable perspective.”
“Of course, that Celestia is no longer an option,” my guide said. “Nor is Luna, I would hope.”
“No, but this is showing me why I need to get married. Celestia didn’t have anyone as an equal to keep her centered through the ages. If I’m going to last anywhere near that long, I need someone I can intimately work with, especially if my very presence destabilizes everyone. That basically narrows the playing field to people who have the ability to live a while. Unless they’re willing to take Jonathan as an elemental, which would let them live forever.”
“Flo would like to interject for a moment,” the guide said. “Just to add some information. Jonathan’s hosts lived forever because he took them over fully, including their minds. He could elongate Twilight’s life for longer than a water, but she wouldn’t be immortal unless he took her mind.”
“Well, she doesn’t need immortality, she just needs enough time to match me. Plus there’s the necromantic option, if she can stomach it.”
“Another offering, this time from Aqua: Taya knows how to make the seed potion. You could grant any partner of your choice the same immortality you have, as long as they’re willing.”
“Well, great, now we’re back to square one,” I said. “Then I guess we’ll just have to narrow it down as we go. Let’s move on to the snake-fish-man rape.”
Fake Flo’s eyes lit up and we once again appeared back in the anteroom place. “It is time for a warning. I mentioned earlier that some beings you meet might be hostile. In this realm, emotional pain is more significant than physical pain. What you went through with the naga might cause something to happen here.”
“I’ll be on guard,” I said with a nod. “Will you be able to help me?”
“All I can do is remind you that nothing you see here is real. That said, while the apparitions themselves might not be real, there are real consequences for what happens here. Hostile entities can take on many forms. Some are beneficial to defeat. Others could be detrimental. You must decide whether to leave something be or make sure it can no longer affect you.”
“Wouldn’t the obvious choice be to leave it be?” I asked.
“You once held the idea that one should never take a life. Thou shalt not murder. You will be confronted with the decision you made. And then there was the rape, which might well spawn demons of its own.”
Weird that the other rape scene didn’t, but I guess that wasn’t as horrifying, just slightly more traumatic. “Well, let’s do it.”
Her eyes lit up again and we appeared standing on the wall above the hostile naga encampment. The other me was standing a few meters away, looking into the camp. Before, my eyes were useless at night and I could barely see a thing. Now, I could plainly see the fear on my face. My hand was gripping the dagger so tightly it was shaking.
Finally, my fake’s wings rose and the other me jumped off the side, silently landing among a group of soldiers. My real wings lifted and the real me joined him. My guide did not follow us.
Watching me standing over the naga was… eerie. I could see the conflict on my face. I didn’t want to do it. But I had offered my services, I had promised Pinkie I would help, and I was already in too deep to back out.
After what felt like forever, my original self knelt down and wasted no more time.
Almost immediately after the naga’s throat was slit, his eyes very obviously lost their light. The other me continued quickly, not wanting to see it. Yet I couldn’t make myself look away. “Was it worth it?” I finally asked.
“Was it?” the dead naga whispered back. “You murdered us all. No warning. No attempts to talk. You slit our throats in our sleep and then burned our families alive.”
“The other naga were depending on me. I made a deal with them.”
“Was it worth it?” another dead naga whispered, the next one I had slain. “There was a single survivor to your massacre. You became a hero overnight… yet all you felt was hollowness.”
“Was it worth it?” the third asked. “I had a family. I had a hope of a better life. I never threatened you or yours. I just wanted to fight for a place.”
“You were attempting to steal a home that was not yours. I was told only one side of the story and honestly didn’t see a need to bother getting the other side.”
“You justify your crimes,” the fourth said. “Yet even you have to ask yourself… was it worth it?”
“What other choice did I have? Doing nothing? Because the naga didn’t exactly seem like they were in a hurry to let any of us leave. They wanted help to deal with you. In exchange, they offered to let us all go. Dealing with the known evil seemed like a much better idea than risking talking to someone who might slice me in half the instant I show my face, especially given most naga seem to innately mistrust winged beings.”
“You could have offered parley,” the fifth said. “You could have offered to negotiate. A neutral third party could have helped form an alliance, allowing peace between the two clans!”
“If you were interested in peace, you should have come in peace. This was a warband. Was it worth it? I honestly don’t know. And I can safely say that I probably never will. I can ask myself what could have been all day and every day. But I need to start living in reality. And the reality is that I did kill you. Whether or not it was worth it will never be a fact, a part of reality. It will always be subjective. And to be honest, it’s a subjective point that I don’t think I’ll ever reach a conclusion about. This was the first time I killed something sapient. I probably could have looked for a better solution, but given the information I had and the choices I was presented, I chose what I thought would be the most advantageous to me and the people I wanted to help. It caused a stain on my soul. Hell, it literally caused me to be haunted. There are more desirable results, surely. But more realistic results? I don’t think anybody could answer that. One way or another, a bloodbath was always possible. I just did my best to make it as one-sided as possible.”
“It led to Celestia forcing you into Egypt,” the guide said.
“Did it? It seems to me that her mind was already made up. This was just the excuse she used. If I hadn’t done it, I’m sure she would have found a way to get me there anyway. And if it wasn’t Egypt, it would have been something equally as unpleasant, like spending extra time with Twilight or Luna.”
“You murdered us,” all the dead naga whispered. “And our families!”
“I did,” I said. “And I do regret it. That doesn’t mean I would change my mind, given the choice. I realize now it’s an option that was always there. I can regret something even if I wouldn’t change it. I can long for what could have been even if I wouldn’t change what was, but I can’t keep letting it haunt me forever. This event changed who I was as a person. I will never forget the things it taught me. But it’s time to let my pain go.”
One of the dead naga grabbed my leg. I kicked him right in the face and tried taking off. My wings vanished just as the flames started erupting further into the camp. The other dead naga were starting to rise, all staring at me with lifeless eyes. I tried to will a sword into my hands, but dream rules were not in effect. They were all packing weapons of their own and began advancing, holding their blades up menacingly.
I fucking booked it, sprinting toward the camp entrance. The living naga were waking up to the ash and dust. Their frantic snakey movements slowed me down from trying to get away from the dead, who didn’t seem bothered by their living brethren.
“So what happens if I die in here?” I asked as I sprinted.
My guide was easily keeping pace, so it wasn’t difficult for her to reply. “You risk getting stuck in this memory, repeating it over and over, until you manage to break free.”
Fucking super. “So, you feel like pulling me out now?”
“I can’t yet. This must reach a conclusion. You may be ready to move on, but those who haunt you resist that decision. Should you successfully repel them, it is possible to free them into the afterlife.”
That would have been nice to know a few minutes ago. It seemed like trying to fight the undead would be counterproductive, especially since there were a ton of them and each was armed. As the fires started killing more, the charred victims began rising as well.
Thankfully, the camp wasn’t all too large. It didn’t take me long to see the gates. The problem was the pitched battle happening just inside those gates. The friendly naga were cutting down everyone who attempted to flee the fire. As I got closer, I saw a hostile naga getting very close to one of the friendlies. Right before it could stab what I realized was Ames, the other me shot it.
As soon as that naga went down, Ames looked straight at the real me. “Brothers, defend our companion!” he roared, pointing his sword at me. They all looked my way. It took them a few seconds to see me, but they finally all lifted their weapons and shouted battlecries.
“Your memories have hostiles… and they have friendlies,” the fake Flo said. “Those you impacted positively can always come to your aid.”
The friendly naga were currently cutting a path straight toward me. Given that the resistance was spotty, they had no trouble making it to my side right as the undead got close enough to start attacking. Ames pressed a dagger into my hand and joined his brothers in the fight.
“What happens if the hostile spirits die?” I asked.
“I can’t answer that question,” Flo said. “But you have to make a decision. Will you allow it to happen? Will you help? Or will you put a stop to the killing?”
“...Zecora once told me that violence begets violence. To be honest, I’ve found that for the most part, she’s right. I regret what I did even though I wouldn’t change it. But moving forward, I don’t have to make the same choices. I don’t have to kill indiscriminately.” I dropped the dagger and looked over to the undead. “We don’t have to fight anymore. I think I’ve learned my lesson from this. I’m sorry for what I did to you. You don’t have to forgive me if you don’t want to, but I don’t think you’ll get much out of haunting me anymore. I’m over it.”
I don’t know if that satisfied them or not, but my guide’s eyes lit up and we appeared in darkness, darker than the nearly pitch-black light we just left. When my eyes finally adjusted, I could tell we were in a cave. A female naga was pacing outside of what looked like a set of rooms. When I got closer to her, I realized it was the one who raped me. She seemed very nervous.
“I never learned her name,” I said. “She did something awful to me and I ensured something awful would happen in return, yet I never even cared to learn her name…”
“Why would you?” Pain asked. “She hurt you. There’s no reason to care about her.”
“She put you in a very bad place,” Fear said. “And did quite a lot to exacerbate your fear of relationships.”
“And yet the helplessness sparked something in you,” Anger quietly said. I’m not really sure why the place was so dark, given he was made of flames, but I guess that’s coma logic for you. “It wasn’t very nice for someone you helped save to use you like that. Especially given that she lied about it later…”
“I have a feeling watching some of these memories isn’t going to be fun,” I said as the naga finally got over herself and slid into the room. “I knew that what she did to me deserved punishment, but I don’t think it deserved death. It wasn’t my choice to make, and yet…”
“And yet you could have prevented it,” Pain said. “You knew you could have stopped it had you but tried. The naga likely would have allowed exile, had you requested it. But you didn’t care enough, did you?”
“I might have been able to get exile, but I just as easily might not have. Her crime was a serious one. I wanted revenge, but I didn’t think they might actually decide to kill her until it was too late.”
“Why do you care?” Anger asked. “She can’t hurt another. Is that not good?”
“She used you to satisfy her carnal desires,” Fear said. “All she sought was a feeling of dominance, of power. She raped you with no remorse or questions of wrongdoing, with a conscience clear enough to lie about it later.”
“She threw you under the bus as soon as she had the chance,” Anger said. “She told them you took advantage of her. You’re lucky you had the key, or proving your innocence would have been impossible. It could just as easily have been you that died! Why make excuses for someone who hurt you? Who did such awful things to you without a second thought? Revel in her death!”
“I feel like that mindset is destructive,” I said. “I can’t keep glorifying death and killing. It does solve problems and it does feel good, but blood begets blood. There were ways to punish without killing. And better, there are ways to rehabilitate. What she did made me angry, but I never wanted her dead. I am glad she can’t hurt anyone anymore, but now she also can’t help anyone anymore.”
“You walk a dangerous path,” Fear said.
“I’m doing my best to walk a path where fear and pain no longer have such powerful sway over my mind. Anger is something I’ve long been missing, but you two have been doing nothing but holding me back. That said, I can’t just be indiscriminately angry. I need to relearn when it’s necessary. I had a righteous fury brewing inside of me after this, but I let it stew instead of sharing it. I chose to let this rape happen instead of standing up for myself. And that’s what pisses me off the most. I know that I could have avoided this. All I had to do was… anything. Yell. Fight back. Run. But I chose to lie there and let her use me. That was fear taking complete control of me. You give me a valuable perspective, but I’m done taking orders from you. And I think I’m finished with this memory.”
Sure enough, my guide’s eyes lit up and we appeared, somewhat predictably, in Egypt. I wasn’t quite sure where in Egypt we would appear, but I wasn’t at all surprised that it was in front of Kat’s tent.
What was somewhat unusual for Egypt were the very green trees dotting the desert here and there. “What the hell are those doing here?” I asked.
“Something is clawing its way into you, digging deeper into your mind and body,” my guide said. “Another interjection from Flo: Your new wings and tail are taking root, spreading throughout your body. She suspects that you might start noticing extra nature oriented things in the backgrounds of more memories.”
“Will they have any effects?”
“I do not know.”
I kinda wanted to go over and poke one, but I was finally being removed from Kat’s tent. Rock was leading me out, holding my chain. Kat walked behind me, out of sight. Her eyes were very blatantly molesting my wings and the little smile on her face told me exactly what she was thinking about.
“Yet another who betrayed you when all you sought to do was help,” Pain said. “But don’t feel bad! I’m sure she had a good reason!”
“A good reason to hurt you. A good reason to break you,” Fear said. “Is there such a thing? To be honest, I fear the answer.”
“There was no reason involved at all,” Reason said. “You knew that. And you knew you probably could have stopped it after the first night.”
“And yet you let fear control you,” Anger said, sounding very disapproving. “When you should have been strong, you let another use you!
“I did… up until I didn’t,” I said. “Eventually rage took hold of me and I wrecked her.”
“I have a memory for you,” Pain whispered from right next to my ear. I hadn’t actually looked at them, so I had no idea she was so close. Before I could pull away, she kissed me on the cheek.
We appeared in Jocasta’s tent. Kat was lying on her cot, smiling and purring while staring off into space. Jocasta was staring at her. After a few seconds, the black cat shook her head. “What is going on with you, Kat?”
Kat shook herself and blinked. “Hm?”
“You’re staring off into space again! Don’t tell me you’re thinking about that thing.”
“He’s… intoxicating! Oooh, I just can’t get enough of his smell, his touch, his wings… Something about Nav just drives me wild!”
“You already own him. Think about doing things to him while you’re doing them to him. That isn’t why you’re here.”
“I don’t know why, but my thoughts keep going right back to him… Something in me is just drawn to him! And taking power over that soft body of his feels better than anything I’ve found before…”
“If you can’t get him out of your head, you’re useless to me. Go play with him and get back when you can focus.”
Kat wistfully sighed and hopped off the cot. As soon as she walked out of the tent, Jocasta and the tent disappeared. I took the hint and started following Kat as she walked through the camp. It was currently day and she never did anything to me while the sun was still out, so I know she wasn’t about to do things to me.
What is wrong with me? The thought was incredibly intrusive and made me stop. Why do I feel this way?
“These aren’t my thoughts!”
“You are seeing into Kat’s mind,” the guide said. “That may involve her thoughts.”
It’s not his personality. His body isn’t particularly attractive, though his wings are beautiful. What could it be? What is it about him that draws me so?
“Your mind is troubled, Kat,” Rock suddenly said. I hadn’t even noticed him until he spoke, so my guess it that Kat probably didn’t either. “You hide your feelings well, but you don’t usually slink quite so much.”
“It’s… the human. I feel so… drawn to him, but I don’t know why!”
“You aren’t the only one. Any of his loose feathers sell for a full flask of water in the camp. I’ve been considering plucking him and hoarding all the water for myself.”
“That’s not how the economy works. The more feathers you put into the market, the less each is worth. More to the point, if you touch a single feather on that human, I’ll kill you myself!”
“I would laugh at most who say that, but I have a feeling you might just follow through. Trust me, I have no intention of harming him. Truth be told, I have a fondness for him, too. The poor lad’s in way over his head, but he’s making himself useful. It seems that everyone in the camp likes him. Most consider him a good luck charm, if nothing else.”
“Hm. And yet…”
“And yet no one else shares his bed. Perhaps you’re falling for the poor fool!”
“I don’t think anything I’ve done to him constitutes love. Plenty of lust, but I know I don’t love him. Yet my mind is always going back to him…”
“Then I guess you should go see him. He just got back from a mission with his favorite psychopath and a few of the others. I’m sure he was missing your… tender touch.”
“Seeing me will surely put a smile right on his face,” Kat sarcastically replied before continuing on her way.
“She almost always found me right after I got back,” I said. “She spent a lot of time watching me from afar, not saying anything. I only saw her a few times, so she probably wasn’t trying too hard not to be seen. Of course, she also spent a lot of time up close, so it was kind of a mixup. This memory is longer than usual.”
“Kat is closer than usual,” the guide replied.
That was fair, so I shut up. It was just in time for another intrusive thought, too. I’m not even thinking about toying with him, now. I just want to be near him. I just want to… smell his musk. Let it envelop me and set that flame off inside me yet again...
“Talk about fucking creepy,” I muttered.
I don’t want to hurt him when I use him, yet I can’t stop myself… A part of me loves this feeling and a part of me hates it… Enough to get back at the cause, apparently. I don’t want to hurt him, but I just can’t stop myself!
“Is this supposed to make me feel better? Because it’s not working.” Apparently that wasn’t a question my guide was qualified to answer.
“You’re slipping, Kat,” Miguel suddenly said. That’s when Kat realized his dagger was pressed against the back of her neck. She immediately jumped away, but he was already sliding the blade up. “You obviously need to spend some time out of the camp.”
“My mind has been on other things.”
“You mean raping and mutilating our guest?” he very casually asked.
“...What did you just say?” she coldly asked.
“The signs are easy to see for anyone who looks, my little kitty,” he said, wagging one of his toe beans at her. “He’s been quite freshly raped, I’d say every night. And he hides it well, but the scratches on his back give him all kinds of pain and occasionally leak. I imagine the damage you’re doing to him is quite impressive, especially given all the noises you make!”
“...Who else knows?” she asked.
“I dunno,” he replied with a shrug. “It’s a shame you claimed him. I was hoping to lay my stakes! Does he cry when you do it? I bet he does. Softies like him always do. Doesn’t that just make it so much better?” To be honest, I don’t know how to describe the look on Kat’s face, but it was a pretty even mix between disgusted and horrified.
“Wow,” is all I could say. I’m so glad we killed him.
“He actually hasn’t cried,” Kat finally said. “He’s surprisingly strong, for someone so soft.”
“Well, whenever you’re ready to really break him, let me know and I’ll help you. Once we’re done, we can make him cry whenever we want.”
“I think I’ll be fine on my own.” She finally left, not bothering to look behind her.
I won’t be like Miguel. I won’t hurt him anymore. Everything in me wants it… needs it, but I have to stand above that instinct. I’m done acting like an animal. Tonight, I’ll apologize. Tonight, I’ll take him properly. Tonight, he’ll finally hold me back without shivering. The damage I have done can’t be undone, but I will help him heal. If I must lose myself in someone, I will not lord over them like the beasts who owned me. I will spoil him and treat him lavishly. Then perhaps the one who draws me so will be capable of tolerating my presence once again…
Right as Kat’s thoughts were drawing off, she caught sight of me. A smile instantly lit up her face. The other me probably would have left, but he was currently talking to the camp quartermaster about the supplies we stole. I finally remembered when this was: The night before I fought back.
As soon as Kat wrapped her arms around me, the memory ended.
“So was that supposed to make me feel better, or…?”
“When one seeks meaning in the abstract, you have to do more than take things at face value,” Reason said. “Kat felt drawn to you. Like Luna. Like Twilight. And like any cat, she marked her territory quickly. Even the others in the camp felt some manner of pull toward you.”
“Once again, my status as a human came in to haunt me,” I said. “So I have to ask myself… Of all my current suitors, who seems interested in my status as a unique human and who seems interested in me?”
“Are you sure marriage is the right idea?” Fear asked. “If this is the way those who get close to you act, imagine what one who is as close to you as possible will do.”
“Kat marked her territory and the others backed down,” I said. “A ring on my finger is all the territory marking I need. I’ll make sure one of my wife’s vows is to not go completely batshit crazy when she finally has me all to herself. That should handle it.”
“That sounds like a lot of trust to put in a vow,” Pain said. “I’m sure they’ll break it!”
“One option is to continue maintaining a pseudo-harem and hoping all the extremely powerful and possessive bitches I’m courting never have any high profile incidents about sharing the same dude, or flip shit on each other. Another option is completely cutting out all relationships entirely and forcing Aqua to service my lady parts, hoping that nobody goes batshit crazy after I cut everyone off. And the last option is trying my luck with marriage.”
“I suggest picking the right spouse,” Reason said.
“Thank you, I’ll try. So, it’s unfair to blame Kat’s craziness completely on me. She may have been influenced by what I am, but she still made her choices. She chose to hurt me.”
“Did she?” Pain asked. “You heard her thoughts. She couldn’t help herself.”
“We lie to ourselves the most,” I said. “It’s the easiest thing in the world to do. Kat didn’t want to blame herself for what she did to me even though it was her that made the choice. Instead, she blames me, the person her choice affected. Trust me when I say that I wasn’t raping myself those seven long nights.”
“Will you let her get away with this?” Anger asked. “Now you have seen inside Katrina’s mind. You know what she thought of you, how she longed for you. You now know that others realized she was mistreating you and did nothing.”
“Yeah, that shit was certainly all kinds of fucked up,” I said. “But Miguel’s dead, so there’s no reason to get angry at him. And can I really get mad at Kat for something she thought several years ago? She is no longer this person. I wouldn’t necessarily say she’s any better now, but she’s certainly no longer like this.”
“You’re making excuses for her,” Anger sighed, shaking his head. “She has manipulated you from the start, Nav. Do you not see it?”
“Now, I won’t deny she might be manipulating me, but I didn’t really get that from these memories. It’s certainly something she would do.”
“It’s obvious to me,” Fear said. “She knows just which strings to tug to make you dance, my dear. Do you remember the first night she came to your room in your new mansion?”
“Of course. It was… spooky.”
“And she played you like a fiddle,” Fear said with a nod. “Kat has her sad, dejected kitty act down perfectly. As soon as she got your sympathy, she knew she won and would get her way. You let your followers tug your strings far too much…”
“Well, we’ll talk about those memories when we get to them,” I said. “As to this memory… Kat did something terrible to me. The knowledge that she was so heavily affected by what I am doesn’t change that, especially since I’ve already forgiven her. Now, this is just another traumatic event I’d like to stop affecting me so much. It happened, it sucked, it dragged me down for a while, and now I want to be over it.”
“You seem determined to take nothing from so many of these traumatic events,” Anger said. “Are you trying to protect these people? Those who did such awful things? Or are you trying to protect yourself from having to confront some hard truths?”
“And what truths might those be?” I asked.
“Maybe it isn’t wise to make someone who desires you like this a vassal,” Pain said. “Maybe it isn’t wise to let someone as insane as this live… Everyone knows it’s only a matter of time before she snaps…”
“Not with an elemental in her head. Cascade may not do much to curb her creepiness, but she won’t let Kat hurt anyone undeservedly. I do feel like Kat is a ticking time bomb, but I don’t think she’ll be able to hurt anybody when she snaps. As I already said, I don’t like the idea of just killing someone to sort them out. She needs a path to redemption. I just have to figure out how to make her want to walk it.”
“Threats might do the trick,” Anger said with a shrug.
“Maybe, but I have a feeling that forcing her to change by threatening her might not be the wisest course of action. Reason’s gonna have a larger role to play in that. But for now, I’m not focused on unfucking Kat. I’m focused on uncoitusing myself. So let’s kick this shit into gear. Show the next slide!”
“As you wish,” the fake Flo said. Her eyes lit up and off we went to our next adventure!