//------------------------------//
// Chapter 5 starswirl in the military 
// Story: Extracts From the Biography of Starswirl the Bearded 
// by SWEETOLEBOB18 
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In those days, unicorns of a certain social standing were expected to fill a great many roles in society, including some time in the military (as an officer, of course). Therefore, such schools as there were had at least some military training. Marching, weapons drill, how to salute, etc. were all covered. Thus Starswirl believed that he was prepared to join the military.

So, after graduation, Starswirl went to join the military to get his service out of the way. The recruiting sergeant was filling out his form. He asked "Can you read?" (About 35% of recruits were illiterate, with another 30% "functionally illiterate". The army defined this as "unable to read well enough to fill out the enlistment papers without help.") 

Starswirl replied "I'll have you know that I graduated as valedictorian of Neigh Orleans Academy of Secondary Education. I completed a 6 year course of study in under 3 years while never missing even 1 question on one test! I've had over a dozen books published on everything from Mathemagic theory to the principles of chess! I've had internationally acclaimed papers published on my groundbreaking work in Alchemy! Can I read?! That is not a question, that is a mockery of my contributions to the body of equine knowledge!"

Without a word, the sergeant picked up a rubber stamp and slammed it down on his paperwork

LITERATE

He said "Take this down the hall to your right for your medical exam"

As Starswirl later recounted "That is when I first began to suspect that my military service would not prove as congenial as I expected. The medical exam included my first proctology examination. After that, I no longer suspected -I was certain."
A proctologist examination includes: videoanoscopy (examination of the rectum to a depth of 6 cm); rectoscopy (examination of the rectum to a depth of 15 cm); examination of the anus by hoof. Complete proctology examination lasts about 40 minutes

Starswirl's first assignment was as assistant to the Quartermaster of an Army base Quartermasters are responsible for purchasing and disbursing supplies. This is usually done by having the enlisted personnel do it 

Cleaning was done by homemade soap. This was made by soaking water through the cooking fire ashes to make lye, filtering out the soot as best as possible, then boiling it with left over cooking grease.  Starswirl  proved it would cost the Army less money to sell the lye and the grease, buy commercial soap, and use that. Plus, it would save a great many recruits a great deal of hard labor and keep them from breathing lye fumes. In addition, Starswirl used his own money to buy some commercial floor cleaner and demonstrated that it would do a better job of cleaning.

This led to a quarrel with the Quartermaster.
"Are you trying to tell me how to do my job?"
"Clearly, somepony has to"
"Well, you're wrong!"
"Why am I wrong?"
"You're wrong because I'm your superior officer and I say that you're wrong! What do you think of that, smart ass?"

Starswirl was clueless enough that he told his superior officer what he thought of that. "I think that is in the grey area between the ludicrous and the insane"

Starswirl was ordered to sweep the sunlight off the sidewalks all day, every day, for a week. He was then ordered to carry a small potted tree wherever he went and, when asked 'Why are you carrying that tree with you?' to reply 'It's to replace the oxygen I waste by continuing to exist'. He obeyed only because it was made clear to him that the alternative was a court martial for insolence and disobedience of orders. He carried the tree everywhere until he was transferred away from that base.

For some odd reason, his schoolyard nickname of "Spat" followed him into the military.

For his next assignment, he was assigned to the Inspector General's office as what would now be called a "systems analyst" but was then called an "efficiency expert" The idea was to break up every complex task (such as moving supplies) into simple steps, each one timed. It was believed that this would spot bottle necks and at least show where the delays were in the procedure.

They would also do the same for accidents, to try and spot the cause and render the job safer.

One day Starswirl was reporting to his boss and said
"Sir, we have an insurmountable problem."
"This is the Royal Equestrian Army, Mister! There are NO problems here! There are only opportunities to EXCEL! Do you read me mister?! "
"SIR! YES SIR! Sir, we have an insurmountable opportunity"
He was transferred on the grounds that "there are no problems here".

For his next assignment, he was assigned to a small outpost far away from anywhere. He was both a company commander as well as company quartermaster. As company commander he made a request upon the company quartermaster--himself--for something he wanted. As quartermaster he denied the request and gave an official reason for doing so in writing. As company commander he argued back that he was justly entitled to what he requested. As quartermaster he stubbornly continued to persist in denying himself what he needed. Starswirl requested the intervention of the post commander (perhaps to diffuse the impasse before it came to blows). His commander was incredulous and he declared, "My God, Lieutenant  Starswirl, you have quarreled with every officer in the army, and now you are quarreling with yourself."

His biographers usually conclude that he had spotted a discrepancy in regulations and this was his way of pointing it out. A few have concluded that this was a sign of deep mental problems, and a few have concluded that this was his idea of a joke. (There is some overlap between the last 2 groups)

About this time, Starswirl began his controversial writings, a series of nine articles and a number of letters to his fellow officers. The articles, "Notes on Our Army," published anonymously (as "A Subaltern"), included specific attacks on the policies of the general in chief, whom he called a "vain, petty, conniving pony." There were also numerous attacks on Army administrative policies and officers. He included thoughtful recommendations on a proposed structure for the Army general staff, which were echoed in reorganizations that occurred later, but were ignored at the time. 

While Starswirl was on leave, he was called to testify before the Commission  on Public Expenditures. He was ordered not to testify, in defiance of the subpoena. He attended anyway, and provided a great deal of testimony about procurement. 

Starswirl was arrested and court-martialed for disobedience to orders and disrespect toward his superior officers. Starswirl conducted his own defense and turned the trial into a condemnation of the military. He was found guilty, but an official reprimand from the Secretary of War and suspension at half pay for two months were relatively mild punishments, and Starswirl was not deterred from future criticisms of his superiors

Even Starswirl's staunchest supporters admonished him for his quick temper, general irritability, and tendency to wound innocent ponies with barbs thrown during his frequent fits of anger. His reluctance to praise or flatter was exceeded, we are told, only by the tenacity with which, once formed, he clung to an adverse impression of a college.

His actions established Starswirl's distinction as the most cantankerous pony in the army. He had been court-martialled and convicted; he had been censured by the Secretary of War, the adjutant general, and the commander of the Eastern division. No other junior officer could boast of so many high-ranking enemies. Both the commander of the Third Artillery and the commanding general of the Royal Equestrian Army hated Starswirl. His future in his regiment and in the army seemed most uncertain.

Nor was he any more beloved by the soldiers who served under him. There were at least 2 attempts made to murder him. Starswirl had his suspicions as to who was responsible, but was unable to gather sufficient evidence to prove his suspicions.

When his minimum term of service was completed, Starswirl resigned his commission. He always considered this to be his most profound failure and seldom talked of it. Previously, whatever his mind had conceived, he had achieved. He suffered setbacks along the way, but in the end he succeeded. This was his first taste of failure and he hated it