Twilight had wings. Like actual, godsforsaken wings. There was no way that stupid spell should’ve worked like that. There was supposed to be some sort of placebo thing, maybe a little moral lesson about her role to play in society, and then something that would focus on how to deal with one’s mortality. It was all supposed to be very touching.
But apparently, fate had other things in mind. Oh no, nothing could ever be simple for poor old Princess Celestia. No. Instead — surprise surprise — Equestria had a brand spanking new princess.
Why did everything always need to be so freaking difficult?
She picked up her golden chalice and drained the rest of her wine.
Ugh, not even this vintage could take the bitterness out of her mouth.
Life could really be unfair for a princess, you know?
“Are you ok, Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked.
When Celestia brought herself back into the moment, she noticed that Twilight was frowning.
Oh, gods, how long had she been silent for?
She forced a smile. “Of course, my dearest student. I am merely coming to terms with this development. I had…I had no way of knowing that this would be the outcome.”
“You didn’t?”
“Indeed, the Elements of Harmony work in…”
Assholish ways.
“Strange and mysterious ways. However, if they have deemed you worthy, it must mean that you’ve ascended to princesshood.”
Oh hell! She needed to create a whole new kingdom now. Was there some other despot she could overthrow and replace? That seemed to work for Cadance.
Maybe the Yaks?
Princess of the Yaks?
It had a certain ring to it.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “I’m… a princess?”
Celestia offered a warm, motherly smile. “Of course. You’re an alicorn, Twilight. It’s only natural that you join the three of us.”
There wasn’t anything natural about this, but fuck it, Celestia was great at improvising.
Twilight’s eyes widened. “I…I don’t think I’m ready for that.”
Celestia placed a reassuring hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight, you are the brightest mare I have seen in generations. If anypony can tackle the complicated world we find ourselves in, then it’s you. I couldn’t think of a better pony to rule by my side.”
Twilight looked up, almost looking hopeful.
See, great at improvising! Celestia didn’t last this long on the throne without being able to bullshit like a champ.
“Do you mean it?” Twilight asked.
“Of course.” Celestia frowned. “In fact, I think it’s about time that I made you privy to some of our nation’s most important secrets.”
Twilight swallowed hard. “Equestria has secrets?”
“Oh, so many secrets. Harmony isn’t harmonic, Twilight. Sometimes…values must be compromised so all our little ponies can live peaceful and happy lives.”
“I see.”
“Tell me, have you heard of the Clocktower Society?”
A guard next to them snorted loudly before promptly blushing and clamping a hoof over his snout.
“Something the matter, Centauri?” Celestia asked, cocking a brow.
The guard stiffened. “Nothing at all, Your Majesty. I just find it amusing that you called it a secret.”
“It is a secret.”
“Like the entire royal guard is part of it and so are eighty percent of the aristocracy. No offense, but it’s a pretty shitty secret.”
“Regardless…”
“And that’s not even mentioning how it has something like twenty-three million members across Equestria.”
“If you don’t stop spouting rumours of this top-secret society…” Celestia grumbled before smirking. “I’ll be forced to punish you.”
The guard smirked right on back. “For the good of the flame?”
Celestia nodded. “For the good of the flame.”
“Wait, what are you two talking about?” Twilight asked.
Celestia turned her attention towards Twilight. “Wait…have you honestly never heard of them?”
“N-no?”
“Really?!”The guard laughed and shook his head. “LIke for real?”
“Really, I’ve never uh...heard of them before.”
“Well,” Celestia continued, “the Clocktower Society is a secret organization which operates on the fringes of Equestrian society.”
Centauri stifled a giggle. “Fringes?”
“Fine, they operate secretly from the heart of Equestrian society. They specialize in uh…”
She went silent, trying to find the right way to phrase it.
“Providing the means to having safe kinky sex,” Centauri offered.
Celestia motioned to him. “Yes, that.”
Twilight’s expression blanked. “Wat?”
Celestia sighed, rubbing the bridge of her snout. “They are a society which specializes in allowing Equestrians to live out their dirtiest sexual fantasies.”
“They’re kind of super instrumental to our society,” Centauri chimed in.
“How…instrumental are we talking?” Twilight asked.
“Pretty much their work, in pushing the forefront of sexuality, has been what has propelled Equestrian technology forward for the last...” Celestia rolled her hoof. “Three…four thousand years.”
Twilight snorted and shook her head. “You’re fucking with me, right? Like there’s no way that…”
“Teleportation spells, mass communication, adhesives, latex, rubber…” Celestia rattled off.
Twilight was about to speak but then Centauri joined in.
“Transportation technology, virtual reality, supply networks, managerial hierarchies, agriculture…”
“Do I even want to know how agriculture is sexual?” Twilight asked.
“Think about all the harnesses used by earth ponies,” Centauri replied, a smirk barely contained beneath his guardlike stoicism.
“The point is,” Celestia continued, “all of these things would never have been created without the work of the Clocktower Society.”
Twilight shook her head. “You’re telling me that…this…deviant group is responsible for all of Equestria’s technological advances?”
Celestia nodded. “You know how in gryphon society, all advancements are made in the name of militarism and warfare?”
“Yes.”
“Well in Equestria, our society has advanced because we needed to find new and innovative ways to fuck.”
“I..I just…why?!”
Oh gods, how do you even explain this to a pony?
“Civilization would be impossible without the Society. They uh…there’s this…” Celestia winced and gestured to Centauri. “How do I explain it?”
Centauri cleared his throat. “There is this religious artifact in their possession called the flame of devotion, which…pretty much…without it, the Windigos would return and destroy all civilization.”
Twilight was stunned silent, numbly running a hoof through her mane.
Celestia placed a hoof back on her shoulder, attempting to restore a semblance of calm.
“And for the flame to work, we are required to uh… fuck to keep it sustained,” she said.
“So,” Twilight began. “If we don’t fuck, Equestria will end?”
“Correct.”
“But why does it have to be…kinky?”
Celestia shrugged. “No idea. I guess the artifact has some weird and very specific voyeurism fetish. It just so happens, that the dirtier the fucking, the longer the flame burns.”
“This is…this is a lot to take in.” Twilight expression fell. “Wait…you mentioned Windigos?”
“We did.”
“Does that mean…”
Celestia solemnly nodded. “Yes, Twilight, in that cave, our ancestors fucked one another’s brains out in order to ensure that Equestrian civilization was allowed to thrive.”
“And not only did they fuck, but they fucked dirtily,” Centauri explained.
“Rope was involved.”
“And so was impact play.”
“And breathplay.”
“And vore.”
Twilight buried her face in her hooves. “What the fuck?! What is wrong with this world?”
“Many things my faithful student.” Celestia frowned. “Though I do have one question.”
“W-what is it, Princess?”
“Are you a virgin?”
Twilight’s cheeks warmed. “I am.”
Celestia sighed. “Then…I have some very unfortunate news. You’ve been exploiting the commons and actively working against Equestria’s interests.”
“P-pardon?”
“Your virginity is killing the world, Twilight.”