“You guys like barbecue?” I said.
Twilight’s eyes came at me over the top of the book she was reading. “Barbecue sauce?”
“Actual barbecue. I mean, come on, did you ever wonder why the sauce was called that? Clearly there must have been barbecue before someone started bottling a sauce and selling it in the store like a knockoff of the real thing. It’s like saying ‘imitation pancake syrup’ - clearly there must have been real, and far superior, pancakes before.”
“This isn’t just another plot to kill me, is it?” said Twilight.
“Look, I’m sorry, okay? That’s not something I say a lot, but in the heat of the moment I got a little worked up and I made a spur-of-the-moment decision.”
I decided to hold back in telling her how I’d tried to kill her in other universes and sometimes succeeded, too. The last time she’d felt in danger for her life, she’d done a spell that I was still trying to figure out. I’d ended up a few hours in the future with no memory, at a school dance, wearing a suit, and with a jingle bell in my pocket.
I got the feeling I wasn’t going to figure it out, either. At the dance, I’d talked with Cheerilee but not even she remembered me arriving. I still had the bell, for all the good that did me. My Santa Claus days were over, though, not that it really resembled a traditional jingle bell. It was kind of a weird looking thing, maybe an antique.
“You may be right about the barbecue,” said Twilight.
“What?”
“Your comment about barbecue. Now that you mention it, it has to stem from somewhere. I take it you had barbecue in your other world and you like it?”
“Right.”
“Do you know how to make it?”
“I’m from Wisconsin, so...no. Whenever I tried, people would laugh and call me a Yankee and it hurt my feelings.”
I reached for my knife, again intending to kill Twilight because she knew too much, but stopped myself. She didn’t know what half those words meant. It would be more fun to hold that lack of knowledge over a nerd like her.
Speaking of that, I should go do some science and generate more knowledge to frustrate her.
I went into the table room where the giant interactive map was. We’d hacked it a little to place phone calls to other universes. I decided that I was getting desperate enough to casually see if anyone was willing to offer me help. Not quite desperate enough to ask, just yet.
Who ya gonna call? It was an ancient and time-honored question. I sat there with the dialpad in front of me. I still hadn’t decided after a couple of minutes and got up again.
Fluttershy walked in. “There you are, Valiant. I hope I could ask you for a favor: transporting Spike, Smolder, and I to the Dragon Lands.”
“Okay,” I said. We headed for the airship.
I did vaguely wonder why Smolder was out of school. That made me wonder if Spike was even in school. Wasn’t he younger than her? Granted, it was a friendship school and Spike was already better at it than Twilight, who was the headmaster. Headmistress. Whatever.
Apparently Smolder’s brother was sensitive and she needed to go comfort him. I know, I’m as surprised as you. Aside from pony-raised Spike, I didn’t think sensitive dragons were even a thing.
When we landed, Fluttershy immediately went to find eggs. Misunderstanding her intentions, I did give some thought to how we were going to cook them. I guess there were plenty of hot rocks around.
However, it turned out they were dragon eggs. Sapient beings aside, I didn’t think that sounded very tasty.
This being Equestria, the eggs were all brightly colored. Despite still being in the shell, Fluttershy immediately went into babytalk mode.
Dragon Lord Ember walked over and helpfully pointed out, “They can’t answer you. They’re eggs.”
The two of them exchanged greetings, though that was tempered somewhat by the usual dragon social skills, or lack thereof. “Which one are you again? The party one? Apple Dash? Or was that the country one?”
“Fluttershy, the one who loves creatures,” Fluttershy replied. She gestured to the eggs. “Are all these yours?”
“What? No!” Ember protested. “None of them are. Watching over eggs is just part of the glamorous life of a Dragon Lord.” She added, “Maybe you can help.”
“I’d love to!” Fluttershy gushed. “Just tell me what to do!”
“I don’t know,” Ember admitted. “It’s my first time being in charge. Dad wasn’t big on sharing Dragon Lord details. It’s kind of a burn or be burned job.”
“Well, I’m sure you’re doing great,” Fluttershy put in.
“Not really. The eggs should’ve hatched by now, but none of them have even cracked.”
That was about where she had lost my attention and I wandered off.
I really should have been more focused on the climate when I came to the Dragon Lands. It was very difficult to get my tequila cold.
After scheming for a little bit, I came up with a way. Temperature is a linear function of pressure. By lowering pressure, I could cool things.
I had a knife that could cut through anything. I started slicing rocks apart and holding the bottle close to where the sudden vacuum formed each time I rapidly pulled a chunk away. It didn’t work great, but I didn’t exactly have the material available to build a refrigeration unit.
A while later, I was at least functionally drunk. Some teenage dragons found me. I was mildly surprised it had taken so long, but was looking forward to being an instructive part of their education. Their street education.
“Well look at this pony,” said Garble. Excellent, he would make a fine example.
Smolder, Spike, and Fluttershy appeared just then. Fluttershy saw my knife coming out and acted quickly, probably saving his life. “There’s nothing wrong with being a pony.”
“For a pony without a horn, she has a point,” I conceded.
The rest of them quickly forgot about me, embroiled in another problem. Apparently the dragon eggs weren’t hatching because they weren’t hot enough because Garble and his friends redirected the underground flow of lava to go surfing on it. You know, regular teenage shenanigans.
And then Garble started performing beat poetry and I knew I should have killed him when I had the chance. At the very least, the other dragons laughing at him warmed the eggs enough to hatch. Fluttershy went into full-on squee mode. I just drank more to compensate.
I was vaguely aware that some character growth had happened, but wasn’t sure exactly how. It wasn't mine, at least. I drank more on the way back.
It was evening when I stumbled back into the library. Pinkie was there for some reason, probably to annoy Twilight while I was gone, and I rounded her up as I went into the map room.
“What are we doing tonight?” she asked, bouncing alongside me.
“The same thing we do every night, Pinkie: try to take over the world.”
I shook my head. “Uh, sorry, force of habit.”
Cautious about the implications of giving Pinkie access to a universal telephone, but in my drunken state, curious what she might do with it, I showed her how it worked.
“So, I can’t visit other universes, but I can at least call,” I said. “I’m trying to get back to my own dimension and maybe this can help.”
Pinkie eyed a nearby bonfire I had lit. “What’s that for?”
“My backup plan is smoke signals.” Being Twilight’s crystal castle, you could just light fires anywhere. I never knew I needed to do that before being in a fireproof building, but it was proving to be pretty convenient.
“Isn’t that a fire hazard?”
“No, it’s just a fire.”
I turned back to the dialpad. I would only resort to other methods if this didn’t work, but it paid to be prepared.
I wondered what number I should dial. With an inward, childish giggle, I began with 1-800-ASSHOLE.
ring ring
“Hello?”
“What the - Valiantina?”
“Valiant!? What the hell?”
I actually hadn’t been expecting this, but found it incredibly hilarious.
“Where are you?” she said. “You missed this month’s meeting.”
“My universe got deleted and I’m taking refuge in one that doesn’t have a me.”
“How did your universe get deleted?”
“Not important.”
“Actually, I think that is the important part of this conversation.”
“Nuh uh.”
She sighed. “We’ll get back to it later. Where are you?”
“Not sure, as I said, this place doesn’t have another of me. No-Valiant World. The first one. No-Valiant mark 1. nVMk1.”
“So what do you want me to do about it?”
As before, I couldn’t just ask for help. “I’ve been working on getting back. That’s been a pain in the ass since I my other world got deleted.”
“So...what do you want me to do about it?” Her voice changed, as if she was smirking. “Are you trying to ask me for help but your ego is preventing you from doing so directly?”
Goddamnit. She was me, after all.
“No.”
“Okay, well, good luck with that.” She still sounded amused. I made a split second decision and opened my mouth, but she had hung up.
Calling her back would have been worse, and so I just put the phone down.
A couple of seconds passed as I brooded. “So…” said Pinkie, breaking the silence. She gestured at the phone. “Are you hungry? Want to order a pizza?”