"Edepol.... Id necessarium erat censeo. Rei uno jubebam non face fecisti, ergo umquam te non adeo."

"Adhoc, non scio..."

"Hinc meum videbis. Attendere! Cave inanilogistam."

"You know, I constantly am astonished by the continually reinforced fact that ponies, and for that matter, most Equestrian sapient species, react in such a strong measure of embarrassment towards any sort of unintentional innuendo."

Discord and I are sitting in the map room at the castle, me in my chair and him draped across and through the memory chandelier. In response to his previous statement, I scowl at him. "You know, it's not like you're any different, Discord."

"I suppose I classify as an Equestrian sapient species, then," he says, unaffected. "Although I must be one of the most evolved."

After we'd gotten back to the castle somewhere around five in the morning, I'd immediately crashed into bed and slept like a rock. I wasn't paying too much attention to what Discord was doing, as I was dead tired, but I presume he must have popped himself off to his own dimension or something. Currently, it was about one-o-clock PM, and I'd just woken up to find Spike out of the house, save a note ('I'm going to the CMC's camp promotion, they asked me to be a speaker! See you this evening, Twilight!' --how precious!), and Discord staring pensively down a hallway in the castle, scratching his head and decidedly not doing anything chaotic. I asked him what was going on, and he said something about windows and y-axis fabric distortion. He said he had a kind of "fridge moment," whatever that means, and was counting the stairs in my castle.

"So I gather. And I thought I was the strange one," he said, stroking his goatee. "Though it seems so normal to you and the rest of the ponies in town, I can't for the life of me understand why such a flagrant dismissal of the laws of thaumatic entanglement density could ever be considered normal, let alone one with so little, perhaps even negligible, temporal shift."

I, of course, had a few chores do do, so after getting a hold of myself in the map room, I immediately headed off for my room to get my checklist, and Discord, of course, hung around.

"You know, you don't have to keep me company," I say, rummaging around in my desk for a piece of paper and a quill, but he's having none of it. "Nonsense!" Wrapping himself around the chair, he chuckles. "You're about to have breakfast, is that so?" I nod, glancing up from my scratching quill and tapping the first box on the list: 1.__Eat Breakfast. He steps back, swiftly changing into a lab coat and goggles. "Then, at the risk of sounding too much like the addressed party, 'I have some observations to make!'"

Finishing his statement along with a huge grin, he polishes his bowtie. When did he change into that waiter's outfit? "Life is your restaurant, and I'm your maitre d'... let me take your order, mademoiselle," he bows, speaking in a terrible attempt at a fine Prench accent.

"Are you trying to annoy me, Discord?" I growl, setting the newly penned checklist on my desk, but he remains stoic, pad and notebook in hand. "Of course not, Twilight, I'm merely being a friend."

Frowning, I sarcastically say, "Well, I've never had a friend like you," but that only makes Discord grin again, raising an eyebrow in what I take as amusement on my account. "How observant of you, Twilight, I didn't think you'd pick up on that reference. Usually, that's Pinkie's job. But in all due seriousness," he lowers his sneering eyebrow, "this is the perfect opportunity to test out your new sensory confusion. Here I am, ready to provide any kind of food, domestic or abroad, and here you are, with the taste and architectural knowledge combined to truly appreciate how visually striking each food is--at least, in the civil engineering sense."

He looks at me expectantly. I'm about to brush him off, but then I reconsider. He's right. Any food I'd like to try is now in front of my hooftips, almost like having a genie, or a magical bean. And...suddenly I'm very hungry. I guess I haven't really eaten since lunch yesterday, come to think of it.

I think, despite my own misgivings, Discord is being nice. "...Actually, that sounds like a great idea, Discord."

He puts a claw to his eye, wiping away a cartoonishly large tear. "That's the first time anypony's ever said that to me, thank you, Twilight Sparkle," he says, clearly hamming it up.

I sigh. "Well, don't make me reconsider. You said any kind of food, right?" After he nods, I think about it. First, what have I always wanted to try but never have?

"Can I have...a plate of real Bitalian pasta carbonara, please?" I ask, and he immediately snaps his fingers.

The map room instantly becomes darker, with mood lighting and booths set up around the perimeter. Light jazz music begins playing from somewhere, and on the now carefully spread table in front of me lies a plate of...

Gone were the peas so ubiquitous in Equestrian diners. What was before me was simple, a lightly spiced pile of some variant of rigatoni in egg sauce, interladen with...wait.

Discord's eyebrow goes up. "But of course. Well, guanciale, but the method of preparation is identical. You asked for real Bitalian carbonara, didn't you?"

"Why not? I can assure you this meat is 100% certified chaos-bred unsentient." He waved his hand dismissively. "I know how you ponies are with the animals, and I assure you this came from no pig but rather is simply a manifestation of my own magic. No animals were harmed."

When I still quaver, he continues. "Oh, and it's perfectly compatible with your digestive system. Ponies are omnivorous, you know." He coughs. "At least, to some extent. Vegetarianism, in a slightly fascinating--but nevertheless, utterly boring fragment of history, is merely a byproduct of your nation's accepting and benevolent moral structure."

I'm still not sure what to think of it, but Discord sighs and runs his paw down his face. "Twilight. Please, it's not that bad. Also, for the pony who willingly, even eagerly, spends a weekend reorganizing your library, you're being surprisingly ignorant right now."

"Well, why do you think Applejack keeps pigs?" Discord says, shuffling a deck of cards between his fingers. "Surely it isn't just because they're good for finding truffles. You could get results with only one or two. Nor is it because they make good pets." Discord puts a claw on my shoulder. "No, Twilight, I thought you knew this already."

What? There's no way...this can't be true, but, but it makes too much sense...and why hadn't I questioned this before?

"I always wondered about the strangeness of sapience," said Discord, dealing cards into midair, "for example, if ponies, cows, and goats can talk, then why not sheep? Aren't they similar enough? Why do some animals exhibit clear signs of intelligence while others are more bestial, for lack of a better term? If I didn't know better, I'd think someone just up and made everything up as they went along!

"And another thing, why," said Discord, "are, even some sapient animals kept in pens and others allowed to roam free? You see," he sighed, "it truly is a quandary."

I stare at the plate in contemplation. This is a lot to think about at once...but I guess what Discord's saying makes...sense, as strange as that seems. I suppose there's a lot about the world that I just took for granted. I will have a talk with Applejack later, but I suppose if she's alright with it, then I am, too...there's no way she could raise pigs for, for slaughter if she were dishonest with herself.

"But I do understand your trepidation in sampling this dish, dear Twilight," Discord breaks me out of my reverie, and plucks a royal flush out of the sea of cards floating around him, and with a gurgling noise all the cards spiral down out of sight. "So if you desire, I'll replace it with a vegetarian version."

"No, no...uh, keep it, please," I say. This is a very strange situation, but I think I know what I need to say. "If you really took into account all the variables and made this without harming anycreature, then I suppose it would be rude to refuse..." I pause. "And the fact that you're being so accepting means a lot, I think. You've changed in the time since you've reformed."

"No, I mean you've learned how to be a friend," I say, to which Discord re-raises his eyebrow. "Admittedly, you're a strange friend, and you have a knack for getting on ponies' nerves, and you seem to take a certain delight in others' suffering that can strike one as kind of psychotic," --Discord's eyebrow raises an eyebrow-- "but...I suppose those are just your bad qualities, and I've only been looking at those for far too long."

Discord's eyebrows continue to rise, now joined by the other pair, but I'm not finished. "You also have a surprising ability to notice the little details, and given a direction towards helping others I think you might be just as good as Pinkie at making other ponies smile. You also do care about your friends, even if..." here I pause, thinking carefully. "Even if we don't necessarily let you have your moment in the spotlight as well. So...I guess if you can restrain your chaos for our sake, I can step out of my comfort zone for yours."

By now Discord's jaw is on the floor, and he scrambles to scoop it up. "I...I don't know what to say, Twilight," he says, tears brimming in his eyes. "I don't think anypony besides Fluttershy has ever been so accepting of me. I know I hate admitting it," he wipes his eyes with a handkerchief and blows his nose, "but thank you for that, Twilight."

I smile warmly. "What kind of Princess of Friendship would I be if I couldn't let a friend be themselves?"

Discord whoops and a great explosion of confetti rains down from the ceiling. "And there she has it! The million-dollar question! Add another thousand to Sparkle's total! I'd be careful, Fluttershy," he says, leaning over his announcer's podium towards the stand where she is suddenly sitting, looking around in surprise. A sign with her name and the number "$12100" hang from her stand. "If Twilight keeps this up, she might beat you out in the 'Acceptance' category."

I notice I'm also sitting at a stand. I look around to see my own name on the front and the number "$3200" underneath. I return my gaze up to see Discord pointing a remote at a screen, on which a grid of numbers appear. "I assume, Fluttershy, that you're taking 'Social Connections' for five hundred?" She blinks in good-natured dumbfoundedness, which Discord takes as a yes. "Alright!" Along with text appearing on the screen, Discord reads, "This societal function is founded on virtue and selflessness between quantitative equals, where the acceptance of and mutual assistance between each other lies solely for the other's sake and not one's own."

Fluttershy, nervously, looks at her buzzer and slowly pushes it. "What is...friendship?" The screen flashes green and a bell rings, but Discord isn't entirely happy. "You're half right, Fluttershy. Yes, this is a kind of friendship. Would you like a hint?"

I look down at my stand to notice I have a buzzer as well. I push mine. "Yes, Twilight?" says Discord, whirling around. I pause, not sure how to phrase it... "What is τὸ φιλεῖν?"

The grandstand lights up brilliant green and an enormous amount of canned applause emanates from all sides at once. "CORRECT! I'm sorry Fluttershy," Discord says, although he's grinning madly. "That question might have been a little rigged against you. I won't add the five hundred to Twilight's score."

"Hey!" I say, my competitive nature rising to the surface. Fluttershy quails. "Oh no, Discord, really, it's alright with me. Twilight can have her points, she answered correctly, after all."

"OOOOH!!" Discord says, wincing and chuckling. "Fluttershy comes back with a vicious counter-nicety! I think I'll just have to add five hundred to both of yours. Good game, both of you!"

Suddenly, there's no game hall and me and Discord are sitting back at the table in the Map Room. "Sorry for the diversion, Twilight, but I suppose I did want to prove a point. For a creature like me, it can be very hard for other ponies to see past my mischief to truly form such a philosophically sound friendship as the Aristrotlean ideal. And, I suppose in my own case, it can be very hard for me to see past other ponies' relativistic boringness as well. So what do you say we call it even?"

A glass of champagne appears in my hoof. Discord holds his own up. "To friendship?"

We down our glasses. As before, an image gently rises into my mind. It's the balustrade of a sleek sailing vessel, lovingly carved by an expert carpenter...how appropriate.

Discord chokes on his glass, and for a minute I'm concerned, but he pounds his chest and hacks up...a hand mirror. "I was just looking for that!" he says, fake astonishment on his face.

But his smile fades into seriousness. "Now, enough shenanigans. How about that carbonara."

"...Um, Discord, not to be a bother or anything," Fluttershy says from over in the corner, and Discord jumps in his seat, "but, um, I would appreciate if you could send me home, if that's alright..."

"No, no, of course, Fluttershy!" Discord says, quickly getting up. "I'm sorry, I know you have work still to do. I'll get you home in a snap."

"Oh, thanks a lot, Discord. ...I'm glad you and Twilight are getting along lately too, that's nice to see." She giggles into her hoof. "See you later, Twilight."

I wave back, "Bye Flutters! Nice to see you!" and with a snap of his fingers Discord sends Fluttershy back to her house.

After a beat, Discord sighs, sits down, and leans his chin on a talon. "Funny," he says, drawing out the word. "It's funny how the most unchanging, least chaotic ponies can still manage to be the most surprising."

"You mean Fluttershy?" I scratch my chin, myself. "I...Well, I don't know. What do you mean, surprising?"

"Well," Discord looks at me for a small moment, his face unreadable. "Surprising, but not in a chaotic way. I suppose, one day, you may find some...another for whom you can say the same thing. In fact, I think I hope so."

Discord gives off another long sigh and his head slips off his hand and onto the table. "Beats me. I'm having just enough trouble figuring that out myself, after all."

There is a long moment of silence, where I ponder those words, still not entirely sure what he meant.

Finally, I giggle. "What's so funny, eh?" Discord says, and I chuckle again. "Boy, when you're around, the conversation gets derailed very quickly, huh?"

Discord blinks. "Oh, right. I suppose that's par for the course." He picks up a knife and fork, the carbonara now back on the table. "What say you we dig in?"

Bitalian carbonara: orange clay brick tower.
Creme brulee: lofty dome of thin supports.
Sog paneer: obvious.
Caesar salad: marble, undefined.
Barolo 987: painting of still life roses.
Chardonnay 992: landscape painting of oak forest and Rosaceaean fruits.
Smoked salmon: sandstone paving stones, herringbone pattern (ha!)
Schnitzel: large granite slabs, as in germaneic burial mounds
Turdu
Red velvet cake: Chilean mountain refuge, surprising
Liverwurst: do not eat again
Yakyakistan common ale: square obelisk
Yakyakistan master's ale: very polished square obelisk inscribed delicately with epic poems describing their history
hangover cure: ?????

The hornwriting gets more and more wobbly the further down the list I look. Some of it is from my hold on the page wavering, some not.

As the list I so unsteadily grip in my magic can readily attest, Discord and I had a lot of fun tasting different foods. I suggested we try some wine, seeing as the champagne we had before gave some really detailed results, and it kind of spiraled out of control after that, with me trying various other meat-related dishes, of which I found smoked salmon to be strange but undoubtedly delicious. Liverwurst, though, speaks for itself. By the time Discord and I parted ways somewhere about six-o-clock, I was comfortably full, and very comfortably intoxicated. For once in my life.

Thankfully, even though my magic skills seem to be somewhat affected, I've managed to keep a hold of my common sense and judgement...for the most part. I suppose I have Discord to thank for keeping me from drinking too much. I guess I'm just not used to it yet, seeing as I don't drink terribly often. Still, to think that Discord was the voice of moderation...I'm both happy that his character has changed enough for that to happen--and somewhat mortified that the situation had to come to that. I sure hope I don't turn into a lush.

Shaking my head, I teleport the paper back into my room and summon my first checklist. I look over to find the candle from my desk tumbling erratically in my magic. Squinting at the candle, I realize I must have botched the location settings for the teleportation spell. Oh no...if that's the case, then I must be more drunk than I thought...

Groaning, I pick it up with a hoof and walk all the way back to my room. On opening the door, I grit my teeth at the sight: I've teleported and spliced the foodlist paper vertically through a stack of other checklists. "Great. Just what I needed." Walking over to the desk, I set the candle back down and deliberately do not pick up my first checklist, looking down at the only thing left uncrossed.

"Oh, really?" Spike says, an eyebrow raised as he shuts the broom closet (#13) door. "Don't be silly, Twilight, I'm sure your decently intoxicated self could have managed all this spring cleaning. It only requires, I dunno, fine motor control, let alone a steady magic grip. Piece of cake." He rolls his eyes.

I wince. "Uh, yeah. I'm sorry you had to do most of the work. I guess I got a little carried away today."

"No kiddin'," Spike scoffs, but then turns to me with a grin. "But really, the only thing I'm mad about is I wasn't there to see it. Discord's a blast, at least if he's in a good mood."

"I suppose so," I say, chuckling. "I'm happy that for once in my life, Discord's and my interests overlapped. I see why you like playing Ogres and Oubliettes with him so much."

Spike laughs, long and loud. "Oh yeah, that reminds me! Did I ever tell you he's making his own tabletop roleplaying game? It's called Tomes of Tabulation."

"Really?" I blink. "I don't think it'd be enjoyable playing a game without any rules."

"No, that's the thing," says Spike, shaking his head. "It has way too many rules. The fun of the game is in sorting through the rulebooks and figuring out what insane loopholes you can get away with. Discord calls it 'an exercise in chaos under limitations.'"

"Yeah, that's what I said. If you're really interested," Spike shrugs, "I can ask Discord if he can set up the game for more players and not just the Guys' Night guys, although," he frowns, "perhaps on a different day. I'd like to keep Guys' Night to ourselves, for now."

"Well, I could just ask him myself, you know," I say, smiling. "Now that Discord and I see more close to eye to eye than I ever thought we would, I have a feeling I'll be seeing him around."

"Sure, sounds great!" Spike walks ahead, then spins around to face me. "But only if you tell me what it looks like!"

"I completely forgot about my meeting with Luna!" I can't believe it! I slept in, and then I had so much fun trying out foods with Discord, then I was cleaning with Spike...I forgot I'm supposed to have a meeting with her in...in an hour and a half!

"Wait, you had a meeting with Luna? When was it?" Spike seems concerned, but he's not freaking out, and that calms me down a bit. "No, no, I haven't missed it. It's at ten-thirty," I say, and Spike sighs. "Geez, don't scare me like that, Twilight."

I rub the back of my head. "Sorry. I was just surprised I had managed to forget about it entirely, given all that's been happening recently."

"Huh? Wait, actually, why are you having a meeting with Luna out of the blue? Is she coming over for tea?"

"No, actually. I'm having a tutoring session where she'll be teaching me dream magic."

"Oh, alright," Spike says, putting his arms behind his head and resuming his course towards the dining room. "That makes sense."

I wonder how I'm going to fall asleep now that I'm all wound up. Come to think of it, can Luna fall asleep whenever she wants to? That seems like a useful skill to have. But...when she's dealing with dreams in the Dream Realm, would you call that state "sleeping" or what? I know she also sleeps in the daytime, so she must be working in the night. If so, using dream magic must be pretty exhausting. Hmm. I should ask her tonight.

"What? I..." Oh, drat! I forgot to tell him. "Oh, sorry, Spike! Why don't I catch you up on what's been going on."

"Uh, yeah," he says, a hand to the side of his head. "I would darn well hope so. Geez." He shakes his head. "Really, sometimes you can be such an airhead."

"Well, excuse you for not being home for most of today, Spike! Admittedly, it was for a good cause, so I can't fault you there."

I take a deep breath. "So, anyway, we met up with Luna and I told her what was going on..."

Spike nods sagely. "Alright, I get the picture. So...you're developing dream magic, eh? That's pretty cool."

"I know, right?" I practically prance around the room before I get a better hold of myself. "Only Luna herself has ever been able to use it, and that's because of her cutie mark. I can't believe such a lucky thing would just happen to me!"

"Well," he scrunches his eyebrows a little, "it just kinda seems a little strange, you know. What I'm trying to say is, uh, do you know why exactly you are developing dream magic to begin with?"

"One track mind, indeed," I say, shaking my head. "Now that you mention it, I haven't even thought about the exact reason behind it. All I've been worrying about is the effects and implications. How about this," I pat Spike's shoulder in return, "I'll talk to Luna about it this evening. She most likely either intends to talk about it herself, or is turning out the same as me and it hasn't even occurred to her. Either way, it'd be a good idea to talk to her about it."

Nodding, Spike motions for me to follow him to the dining room. "Yeah, I agree. If anyone could help you figure it out, she'd be the one, and I guess," he taps a finger to his mouth pensively, "the only one." Shaking his head a little, he continues, "But if you're going to be meeting with her in, say...an hour and fifteen minutes, you should probably eat some dinner soon so you don't have to go to bed on an empty stomach."

"But then again," Spike tilts his head, "I am curious as to what different foods look like as, uh, building elements. Why don't I pull out some, but not all the stops, so we can still have dinner quick but you get a nice meal to synesthesize."

"I never understood why," Spike scowls, "Any variation on a word can't be just as real as the real word itself. I think you should be able to add '-ize' to the end of any word and it still be considered real."

We're entering the kitchen, finally--this castle is a bit big. I sigh. "Well, I suppose there aren't any hard and fast rules about it, but you might sound like a dork if you keep doing it. In the same way, there isn't anything self-evidently bad about writing words phonetically, but it looks kind of dumb."

"I guess," Spike says, putting an apron on. "I'll just pick and choose which words I like to do that to."

"Just don't do it too often around me or I might get angry and give you a real lecture about it."

Spike chuckles. "I'm surprised you aren't already. That drinking binge with Discord really seems to have loosened you up."

"I gotcha, I gotcha," he says. "But think about it this way. Everyone has embarrassing stories their parents and siblings tell about them. Ever heard the line 'if you can't handle me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best?'"

I lean on the counter and watch Spike roll out a flat dough circle. "No, I can't say that I ever have. But I think I get it. If you only like a pony for the 'self' they present to others and don't like the true self they are by themselves or in close company, then can you really call yourselves friends?"

"Exactly." Spike rolls the edge of the dough up...making a deep-dish style, wow. I thought he said he was only pulling out some of the stops. "So, to make sure our friendships are the real deal, in the same way you have stories about me that you love to tell to all my friends," I wince, "I in turn get to have my own stories of you that I tell. It's a give-and-take."

I put my cheek on my hoof. "I guess I can't argue with that logic...and I suppose I am feeling a bit 'loosened up' anyway."

"Hey, I'm just glad you and Discord seem to be getting along a bit better recently. It's nice."

"He's a card, a goof, and a bit of an egotist, but he's surprisingly...no, he's always been perceptive, but he's been using his perception to help others a lot more recently. It's a side of him I usually don't get to see, mainly because we don't have the greatest history." I frown sadly. "I suppose I focused on the bad parts of him and didn't see past to the good. Don't get me wrong, he's got a long way to go, but..." I walk over to the dining table, floating the plates along with me. "We all are working to become the best ponies, or draconequuses, we can be, and there will always be ways we can improve."

"Well said, Twilight." Spike nods, and pops the pizza in the oven. "It'll be about fifteen minutes. Wanna play a quick round of Go Fish?"

Cave Inanilogistam

by Betless

Liber Tertius: Quid Est Veritas