//------------------------------// // Least favorite thing to do. // Story: Ponies with Horns // by Justice3442 //------------------------------// “Staaaaarrrrlllllight!” Sunburst whined at the pony standing across from him. “There's a portal to a world untouched by sun and light in our living room!” The portal between the two ponies swirled, pulsated, and slowly consumed the ambient light around it. Starlight took a glance at the portal, and put on a look of surprise. “Oh, hey! How did that get there?” “What did you do, Starlight?” “Me? I’ve never seen that portal in my life!” “Why did you open this portal to another dimension, Starlight?!” “I do not rip tears in this mundane reality! That is my LEAST favorite thing to do.” The conversation was suddenly interrupted by a shrill voice belonging to the resident party pony of Ponyville, “Boooo! BOOOOO! Get your own material!” Starlight turned towards the open window and began to yell, “Pinkie! I SWEAR TO THE UNHOLY DARKNESS THAT I JUST CREATED, I WILL FEED YOU TO IT PERSONALLY IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP!” “Ah HAH! You did create the portal!” Sunburst declared. Starlight grunted in displeasure. “The living room was DIRTY! What was I supposed to do?!” “Clean it like a normal pony! You know, with a broom and dustpan!” “I tried that first.” “I’ve been meaning to ask about that…” “I had NOTHING to do with flooding in Twilight’s basement.” “I wasn’t—” “Nor do I know anything about the cake twins who tragically drowned in said basement flood.” “Wait, what?” “But, hey! I buried them in that place that brings pets back to life, Just like Rarity did with Opal! And both twins came back good as new! Better even!” “Starlight that’s horrible!” “I know, right? You’d think their parents would keep better track of their children!” Pinkie’s voice chimed in once more. “AM I A JOKE TO YOU?!” “YES!” STARLIGHT SCREAMED. “... Well played, Starlight Glimmer,” came Pinkie’s response. “Well played...” Starlight huffed out a sigh then turned towards Sunburst as it sounded like Pinkie cantered away. “Okay, what were we talking about again?” “You just admitted to murdering children!” Sunburst answered. “Right… right... “ Starlight cleared her throat. “If you think that’s bad, you should have seen what the Cake Twins did to their mom and dad when they got back from the dead! Hint: Sugar Cube corner might start selling blood sausage!” “Staaaaarrrrrrlllllliiiiiight!” “Hey, this is NOT on me! Just because it’s a well documented fact that everything buried in that cemetery comes back twisted and blood thirsty doesn’t mean the Cakes are exempt from taking care of their own children!” “You could have at least warned them!” “Well, you’d think Mr. and Mrs. Cake would have done a better job of defending themselves against a couple toddlers! It’s probably going to take hours for the broom and dustpan I animated to sweep up all the blood.” “I’m afraid to ask.” Sunburst mumbled as he took off his glasses to rub his muzzle tiredly. “No, REALLY! I can feel my heartbeat increasing just by the thought of me asking further questions.” “You’re undoubtedly wondering why I had to animate the broom and dustpan when mopping up the blood makes so much more sense.” “Actually, that was the furthest thing from my mind.” “See, I had to use the mop to clean up the mess after I made in Twilight’s basement after I murdered the Cake twins!” “…” “…” “Staaarrrrllliiiiiiiiiiight!” “They were making a scene at the grocery store! Give me a break!” the heliotrope menace whined back indignantly. “Starlight, you’re not supposed to murder children! You’re not supposed to murder ponies, at all!” “Parents are supposed to keep their kids happy and calm, and yet, here we are!” A series of panicked screams erupted as there was the sound of an explosion far in the distance, but not nearly far enough. In addition to the ponies that galloped for their lives, a sizeable army of flaming brooms and dustpans floated by in pursuit of the ponies at ‘you can run, but not forever’ speeds. “… Staaaaaaaarrrrrrrllllliiiiiiight!” “See?! They can’t even handle a little toddler tantrum!” “This is a bit more serious than a tantrum, Starlight!” “Okay, a toddler meltdown! The important takeaway here is that I picked up the slack for a couple of loafer parents and I’m getting nothing but grief instead of the kudos I deserve! So, what can I say except ‘you’re welcome’?” The portal between the ponies made an otherworldly ‘whaaaAAAAaaooomp’ swirling darkness pulsated further into the world and the daylight inside the home dimmed further. “Is that thing growing?” Sunburst asked. “Yeah, they do that,” Starlight replied absently. More screams sounded out from outside as the houses in the distance began to catch fire. “Starlight, your self-replicating army of flaming cleaning supplies is setting the entire village on fire.” “I’ve got everything covered! Or rather, everything on fire will soon be covered.” “I’m worried that you decided to qualify that first sentence in such a vague manner.” “By water!” Starlight added. “Okay, but why did you choose to be so vague at first?” “And also blood.” “… Staaarrrliiiight!” A torrent of reddish water suddenly washed past the window, dragging along burnt brooms, dustpans, and hapless ponies caught in the flow that gurgled by as they attempted to scream through the ash and blood-filled water that began to intrude on their lungs. “See!” Starlight said as she glanced outside, her horn glowing electric blue as a large barrier formed around the house. “Now the flood will take care of the fire and we’ll have nothing to worry about!” she grinned as a black question mark on a green flank began to float by. This was followed by the owner of said cutie mark, an earth pony filly with a black mane and tail. A filly which fruitlessly attempted to catch the now bubbled house. “What about the army of self-replicating brooms?” Sunburst asked as a collection of the burnt brooms, which had also grown twisted arms with claw like hands floated by and grabbed hold of the filly as it tried to scream through all the water and was dragged away.” “What about the army of self-replicating brooms that really could have been caused by the army of self-replicating brooms that really could have been caused by any pony who had the best intentions of cleaning up a grisly murder scene so no pony else would have to do the work?” Starlight asked as a squirt of blood puffed out in front of the window before being taken away by the current. “HOW Are you going to get rid of them?!” “Don’t forget about the self-replicating mops with buckets!” “I… OKAY! PLEASE EXPLAIN HOW YOU ARE GOING TO TAKE CARE OF ALL THE ANIMATED, SELF-REPLICATING CLEANING SUPPLIES THAT ARE CURRENTLY RUNNING AMUCK IN THE VILLAGE THAT’S SIMULTANEOUSLY ON FIRE AND BEING FLOODED!” ‘WhaaaAAAAaaooomp’ “The portal!” Starlight said with a smile. “Yes, the portal is still a thing! I’m attempting to deal with the things that are most likely going to wipe out of Ponyville in order of most to least dangerous.” “Well, then your list is way off?” “What?” “Look! Once the amount of false life reaches a certain point, the portal, which hungers for all life, false or otherwise, will expand and consume everything in its path!” “Won’t that consume all of Equestria with it?” “That’s the best part!” “I don’t like where this is going!” “Because of just how many animated beings have sprung up, the portal will gorge itself too quickly and plug itself up! Not unlike a mysterious sinkhole that opened up in Saddle lake that was closed when enough wildlife, garbage, and ponies all got sucked in at once! Quip Quid Pro!” “…” “…” “Staaaaaaaaarrrrrrlllllliiiiiiiiight!” ‘WhaaaAAAAAAAaaooomp!’ Starlight looked down at the portal nervously. “Look, we should really be teleporting a little continent away from here, now.” “That’s not even remotely close to what ‘Quip Quid Pro´ means!” “… Excuse me?” “No! No excuses! The meanings of words and phrases is monumentally important!” ‘WhaaaAAAAAAAaaooomp!’ “Suuunbuurrst! Is this really important at the moment?” “I don’t know, is not sounding like a complete, uneducated moron important to you, Starlight?” Starlight let out a heavy sigh. Sunburst followed suit. ‘WhaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAOOOOOOOooooomp!’ “Okay,” Starlight began. “I think we both have either done or said things in the very recent past that we both regret.” “… Fair.” “Twilight told me in situations like this, the best thing to do is for the ponies involved to take some time for themselves, think about what they really want to say to the other pony, then try again in a bit.” “Twilight said that? Okay, that sounds like a good plan.” “Right, so, let’s just both clear our heads, and meet here by the burnt and soggy dead or dying pony pile in say, an hour?” “Ugh, better make it two,” Sunburst said. “I’m pretty steamed.” “... About all the wonton death and destruction?” Sunburst couldn’t help but laugh. “Wonton destruction? Ponyville doesn’t even have a Chinieghs restaurant! Don’t tell me you messed that up because I used the word ‘steamed’!” “What?” “It’s wanton! WAN-ton! A wonton is type of dumpling, or do I have to spell that out for you, too?” “...” “...” “Okay, two hours.” “Better make it three,” Sunburst said. “That way you can go out for some wanton dumb-ple-ings and some Pee King soap!” “GrrrrrrrrrrrAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!” Starlight’s horn glowed an electric blue and she disappeared in a flash accompanied by the sound of reality having one more little rip put into it. The shimmering bubble around the home disappeared and water began to pour in through the open window immediately. ‘WhaaaAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaAAAAOOoooooOOOOOooooomp!’ Sunburst looked at the portal in annoyance, took a deep breath, then let it out. “Guess I’ll just go for a nice, hour long ‘swim for my life!’ Thanks, Starlight!” ‘WhaaaAAAAAaAaAaAaoOoOoOoOmp!’ replied the portal as it began to take on water. “Yeah, well who asked you?!” Sunburst snapped as the room filled completely and he began to awkwardly swim out of the house through the open window. ‘WhaaaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAaAAoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOoOOomp!’