//------------------------------// // Chapter 16 How not to marry a Prince, finished // Story: How To Train Your Batpony // by peter //------------------------------// How to Train Your Batpony, ch9 Or: How not to marry a prince. “You’re first, Silver Spoon,” Curry announced as she stood inside the Apple’s barn with a hose in her hand. Tourmaline and her sister protested. “Wait! What? We should be first in line.” “Yes, they should go first,” Silver Spoon agreed, even as she struggled to avoid touching any part of her body with any other part. All while wrinkling her muzzle tight in an effort to block out the smell wafting from her hide. “Bullcrap! And I don’t mean the stuff smeared all over you. They got that way running away after doing something bad. You got this way trying to help them. Far as I’m concerned, you come first, and I ain’t backing down.” Curry was well aware that any of the ponies in the barn could stomp her into the dirt if they were so inclined. But she was darned if she’d back off or show any fear. Caution, of course, was another matter. She’d never let herself forget how fragile she was compared to the much heavier ponies. So when she grabbed Silver Spoon by the mane and pulled, she was using more moral suasion than strength as she steered the pony toward the shower area, she was careful as to where she stood in relations to the filly and made sure to not cause any actual pain that would make Silver lash out. She had the moral high ground here, and she needed to act like it. And she wasn’t in the least reluctant about using Silver Spoon’s wariness about her against the pony, or her heartfelt desire to get the muck off of herself, for that matter. And there was meaning behind her madness. Silver Spoon might not like her, but she knew her. The twins on the other hand. Well, the twins needed to see her in action before she got as close to them as washing their muck incrusted hides required. Despite her outward appearance of brash confidence, Curry was glad she had her guards keeping a close eye on things to make sure no pony got out of line, and that the genuine for real royal guards were just outside the barn door, only a hoot and holler away. Mind you, the nocturne pony hiding up above them among the roof beams did wonders for her confidence as well. In a very short amount of time, Curry had the snooty earth pony lathered up and was using a short-bristled brush to work the lightly apple-scented – what else – body wash deep into Silver Spoon’s hide and mane. The young mare gave a low moan of thankfulness as Curry’s strong hands dug through her mane and her fingers winnowed out the muck. Silver Spoon pressed into the pressure, and then gave a shiver and jerked back slightly as if she just realized what she was doing. But it wasn’t long before she began to press against Curry’s hands again. And this time she didn’t pull away after a few seconds. As usual, Curry found the work of cleaning a pony went far faster here in Equestria than it ever had at home. The soap she was using had to be magical, or just way better than the stuff she had at home because the dirt sloughed off of Silver Spoon’s hide as if her hair was made of Teflon. The tangles in her mane and tail likewise were unusually cooperative and seemed to straighten and untangle by themselves. It was barely fifteen minutes before Curry was able to rinse down the pony and dry her off with some of the big fluffy towels that Big Mac and Applejack had taken to leaving in the barn. When Curry was finished she whipped the towels away and stepped back to revealed Silver Spoon’s sparkling clean hide and neatly groomed tail and mane to the watching ponies. Which unexpectedly suddenly grew by one as Jake stumbled into the barn. His wings were cupped around in front of him so the primary feathers covered his eyes. “Curry? Are you here?” Curry looked at her best friend and little brother in surprise as she shooed Silver Spoon, indicating she should leave the wash-up area. “Jake, what are you doing in here?” Silver Spoon, now that she was clean and pleasant smelling, was disinclined to follow any directions from Curry and resisted being shoved around. Diamond Tiara, on the other hoof, darted forward and dragged Silver Spoon out of the shower area by her tail. “Prince Jake!” she admonished him in a mumbling voice. “You know you shouldn’t walk in on a filly when she bathing.” “I’m not peeking, Di. Honestly. Princess Luna said because I’m a prince I had to come up with a punishment for the ponies who egrashially attacked me.” “Do you mean, egregiously, Jake?” Sweetie Belle asked with a wrinkled forehead as she parsed Jake’s words and made the best suggestion she could think of. “What you said,” Jake agreed with equanimity. “Uh huh, and what did you come up with?” Curry asked as she gestured at the two muddy messes, identifiable as unicorns only by the horn poking out on top, and managed to get one of the twins to hesitantly step forward under the pouring water. It was going to be impossible to tell which one she was rinsing until a good layer of the mud could be washed off. And it had nothing to do with them being twins. In the same condition, Curry would have had a hard time telling the difference between Pinkie Pie and Applejack. In a tentative voice, Jake suggested, “Do you think two weeks without apples is too nasty?” He shuffled his hooves in the dust and then asked, “Is that too much? Should I only make it one week? Or maybe a day, a day sounds fair. Is a day too much?” Curry shook her head as she hosed down what she was finally able to identify as Pearl when the pony’s cutie mark was revealed. “I think two weeks without apples is perfectly fair. Is that the only punishment they are going to get?” Her tone of voice implied that it had better not be. “I don’t know. Princess Luna said that once I had punished them, she’d make sure they stayed good.” “Ooohhh, sucks to be you two,” Curry told the twins, unable to resist twisting the knife. The pair of ponies looked like they wanted to collapse to their knees once more. Having rinsed off as much loose muck as she could, Curry used her hands and the back of the brush to remove all the larger clumps.⁽¹⁾ She ignored the way Pearl’s hide twitched under her hands, or the way her head tossed and her eyes rolled. She didn’t ignore the pony’s nervous shuffling hooves and made sure her feet were never underneath one of those toe stompers. Rarity’s magic on her moccasins had to have some limits and Curry was not of a mind to test what they were. Once Curry had rubbed a half a jug of apple-scented soap into Pearl’s hide and started working it in with her fingers, the pony’s nervous twitches subsided greatly, and eventually, things reached the point that she was leaning into Curry’s fingers like Silver Spoon had before her. ⁽¹⁾A couple of years of grooming the horses on her world, not to mention shoveling out stalls and raking barnyards had left Curry pretty much desensitized to plain old manure. It was just a different type of dirt to her. She just had to remember not to bite her nails afterward. She was never going to make that mistake again. It was only when Curry shifted around to the other side of Pearl that she noticed that Jake had not yet left the barn and was still nervously shuffling his hooves. Her eyes narrowed in suspicion at this highly telling behavior. No matter what Di might say on the subject, there was no way he was trying to peek, so it had to be for some other reason. “Something else you need to say, Jake?” “Your mom told me, to tell you, ‘you’retooyoungtogetmarried’.” Curry's hands automatically continued kneading the soap into Pearl’s hide while she mentally translated Jake’s verbal bomb. It took about three seconds. “What! Where the buck did that come from?” She then hastily looked around for any adults. “You didn’t hear me say that! And I don’t want to ever hear you say that,” she told Jake firmly. A whimper from Pearl drew her attention to the fact that her fingers were tightly entwined in the pony’s mane. “Sorry,” she apologized as she carefully freed herself from the tangles while giving Jake a look that demanded more information. “Have you been eating strange plants again, Jake?” “Nope, nope, nope,” Jake shook his head in denial. “The Woosher said you agreed to marry him, and your mom said you were too young and you couldn’t.” “Who the bu— heck, is The Woosher?” “He’s a funny pony. I met when everypony ran off after Shadow Dash. He talks funny..” There was a hint of accusation in Jake’s tone as he gave Curry a reproachful look. “You never said you was getting married.” Curry ignored the ridiculous remark and focused on keeping Jake on topic. “And he said I agreed to marry him?” “Yep, at the train station.” If her hands had not been covered in soapy muck Curry would have facepalmed. “He’s pulling your leg, Jake. He was trying to tease me and I called him on it.” “Uh, uh,” Jake shook his head vigorously in denial. “The pony who doesn’t wear fancy pants told your mom that The Woosher was sorry he didn’t ask her first before asking you.” “Hold on, hold on. The pony who doesn’t wear fancy pants? Do you mean Fancy Pants? He was there too? And that spavined swaybacked glue factory candidate wanted to ask Mom to marry him! No way, no how!” “No!” As much of Jake’s face as was visible behind his wings looked frustrated at Curry’s dumbness. “He was supposed to ask your mom if he could marry you. That’s right, that’s what I meant. The Woosher was afeard because his mean old aunt told him he’d be cut off if he didn’t marry you. He really, really, didn’t want to get cut off.” Pearl let out a snort and muttered, “No surprise,” and then flinched away from Curry as if expecting consequences for speaking out of turn. “You know, The Woosher?” Curry asked, wondering if the stallion was in cahoots with Pearl and her sister. Instead of Pearl, Tourmaline answered, in a surprisingly deferential voice. The way she was looking at her mostly clean sister with envy helped explain her suddenly meek behavior. Very clearly she was not going to do anything that jeopardized her access to the wash area. “His name is Wooshter, not The Woosher. And no, we never met him. But we heard about him. He belongs to the same stallion club as our daddy. Daddy said he was the single greatest example in Equestria of why gelding is necessary.” Curry’s mind flashed back in time to the train platform and the clumsy gangly cute stallion, with the little tuft of mane that stood straight up on the back of his neck, who she had barely noticed until he had asked her to marry him out of the blue. Thanks to a little mental editing, what she had taken for teasing now looked a lot like the act of a desperate stallion frantically trying to stay a stallion. And just like that, she knew she had to save him. Forgotten were her disparaging words and suspicions of just a few seconds earlier. Of course, she couldn’t marry a horse. That was a bad joke. She was too young.⁽¹⁾ But, she had two mares here who were in deep, deep, doo doo. “So, I guess if I could get you out of trouble with Princess Luna and Princess Celestia, you’d be willing to do just about anything,” she asked the twins with a smile that caused their manes to stand up straight as a shiver ran down their backs. Well, Pearl’s stood up. It would have taken a crane to lift Tourmaline’s matted mane. ⁽¹⁾Curry’s background left her more familiar that most girls her age in regards of the mechanism of breeding, but being raised by a confirmed bachelor had left her pretty much ignorant of certain details of the state of matrimony. *** Pearl was hustled out of the cleanup area to make room for an eager Tourmaline, who practically hip checked her sister out of the way as she rushed into the shower area. The now clean, if not fully groomed and dried, pony stopped at the edge of the rough-tiled area and said in a soft voice that contained equal amounts disbelief mixed with mild nausea.“You can’t expect us to believe he’s really only five?” she asked while looking at Jake. The young colt was still hiding his eyes behind his wings. “Yep,” Curry answered as she soaked down Tourmaline, who shivered under the stream from the hose, the hot water having run out, but the sodden pony made no effort to back away from it. The water might be cold, but so was the disgusting muck that coated her beautiful hide. “I met him just a little bit after he was born. All hooves and head, but he was still nursing. I swear he gained five pounds by the next day, and he didn’t stop growing for the next five years after that. You should have seen him before Princess Luna and Twilight cast their spell to give him a body that matched his age.” Curry stood up on tiptoes and raised her hand as high as it would go to indicate Jake’s previous size. “Pinkie took a picture. We can show it to you later if you like.” Curry continued grooming Tourmaline even as she talked. The ultimate indignity for the pony was when a mentally distracted Curry grabbed the mare’s tail and wrenched it out of the way so she could make sure of getting every bit of the mortally embarrassed pony clean. It said a lot about Tourmaline’s current mental state that other than a startled whinny at the unexpected cold wash of water, she made no effort to retaliate. Though that didn’t mean Curry wasn’t watching for such an attempt. “But you’re…” Pearl stared at Curry as her eyes got larger. “He’s really five?” she added in a much smaller voice.” “He’s much too big to be five,” Tourmaline interjected, but in a voice that dripped with doubt. She clearly was trying to convince herself more than any other pony present. “If he’s only five, he’ll be bigger than Celestia when he’s all the way…” her voice shrank to a near squeak that came close to matching the sound she’d made when Curry had directed the cold water at a delicate area. “Grown up?” “You betcha,” Curry said. Carefully not using the V word she added, “Doctor back home said he could hit over a two thousand five hundred pounds. That’s over a thousand kilo in pony pounds. He was only two thousand pounds when Princess Luna de-aged him.” Surprisingly the twins didn’t disbelieve Curry’s outlandish claim. They had both overheard their father ranting about how Princess Luna had turned a viable male candidate for the throne, a veritable giant of a stallion, into a foal, without mentioning names. They had just never put his ranting together with her mother’s news about the new prince in Ponyville. The Twins might not have been nearly as knowledgeable about stallions as they pretended, but they knew enough to break out in a cold sweat as they imagined being married to a stallion that big. They both shot horrified glances at Jake who was still standing meekly in place with his eyes still hidden. Without taking her eyes off of Jake, half afraid he might return to his former monstrous dimensions – which her imagination was all too eager to picture –  if she looked away for even a moment, Tourmaline asked in a very quiet and subdued voice. “You can really help us?” Curry kept her voice low as she finished rinsing the worst of the muck off of the pony and upended the rest of the jug of soap over her back. “Don’t know. I’ll try. But, get this straight. I ain’t doing this for you. Just so happens I might be able to save a poor pony from a horrible fate with your help. That’s all there is to it.” *** Goose Down glared at the scene below her from her position in the barn’s rafters, specifically at the two pretty unicorns below her. She wished she had talons like a griffon instead of hooves so she could have the satisfaction of clawing gouges in the beams she was standing on. It would be such a lovely substitute for what she really wanted to do. Despite her aches and pains from her training session with her older brother, she wanted nothing more than to glide down and… do something terrible to the two twits. The more time she’d had to think about them casting a lust spell on her brother, the angrier she got. It was a constant struggle to remind herself that personal was not the same as important, as her older male family members often said. Mostly in the process of venting about some ‘personal’ event at work, to be sure. She found herself hoping the twins would at least make some sort of violent action toward Curry, or Prince Jake. All she needed was an excuse, even if her mind kept reminding her of things like ‘proportionality’ and ‘restraint’ which were very important words to live by if she wanted to become a Royal Guard. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on the point of view, the young batpony had help retaining her self-control. Perched on opposite shoulders were two small magical duplicates of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna who were avidly watching the scene as well, but with a lot less rancor in their hearts. They were munching on illusionary, but very real smelling, popcorn, while now and then tossing kernels at the twins as they mimed booing and hissing. The tossed popcorn faded from view as soon as it was more than a few inches from the sprites, but that didn’t seem to discourage them. In between eating kernels of popped corns that were as big as their heads, the sprites jotted down notes in oversized, to them, notebooks, while trying to sneak peeks at what the other one was writing. There was nothing like having the most important pony in your life looking over your shoulder, literally, to keep you on the straight and narrow path. Even if it did make one question their sanity at times. *** On the front porch of the Apple farmhouse, the real Princess Luna and Celestia were having a quenching cup of fresh-squeezed apple cider while gazing off into the distance in a distracted manner. The house was surrounded by royal guards, minus two, who were busy patching up the window the twins had blown out of the side of the house. There were a few ponies inside the perimeter with the princesses. One of those was the Element of Honesty, her handsome brother, Big Mac, Granny Smith, and Fancy Pants. It was a fairly restrained group. All of whom were relaxed and quiet, except for Big Mac. He was his usual silent self, but his subdued thunderous expression was anything but peaceful. Strangely, once Applejack heard the whole story and determined that Jake had suffered no harm. Thanks to the efforts of Shadow Dash – who had thrown his own body into the path of the attack – she had become distracted, as if her mind was far away, lending her an air of calm and detachment. Celestia distant look shifted as she lost her thousand celestia stare. “Interesting. Tell me, Luna. Are you thinking what I’m thinking?” “I believe so, sister. But where will Curry get a thousand gallons of maple syrup? The feather’s will, of course, come from the chicken coop.” Celestia gave Luna’s deadpan expression a long lingering look before shaking her head in an I’m not even going to ask motion. After a moment, she turned to direct a question at Fancy Pants who was sitting nearby.⁽¹⁾ “Do you have any idea as to the likely identity of a poor pony facing dire circumstances whom Princess Moonlight might be concerned about?” ⁽¹⁾At the perfect distance, of course. Close enough to be of use, but not so close as to intrude. “Other than the twins, I’m assuming?” Celestia expression remained as flat as her voice. “You assume correctly.” Fancy Pants’ calm expression didn’t shift on iota, but he also didn’t waste any more time before answering his princess. “It could be any number of ponies, but based on your criteria and the fact that Prince Jake has been in the barn for some time with her, I would hazard it might be Wooshter. Though I’m not sure ‘dire circumstances’ is an accurate expression of his situation. He was ordered by the family matriarch to marry Princess Moonlight, or have his allowance cut off.” Luna snorted in derision. “Leaving him with the need to work for his living. Dire circumstances indeed for his sort.” “Accurate I’m afraid.” Fancy Pants shook his head. “Ah, youth.” “I can’t see Curry Comb going out of her way to help such a pony,” Celestia remarked thoughtfully. Then her expression shifted as she continued, “Attempting to reform and improve such a pony on the other hoof would be just like her. She shows a destressing inclination to meddle with older ponies. A habit that could lead to misfortune for her if she puts her trust in the wrong being. What sort of pony is he? Beyond the stereotype of a young noble, that is. Is he likely to take advantage of her naivety?” “That idiot?” Fancy Pants said flatly. “I can’t sugarcoat it. He’s as dense as a crate of anvils. But, to be fair, he is also a decent pony with a good heart who always tries to do the right thing. Often with disastrous results, I will admit. It would never even occur to him to take advantage of a young child. Well… with a caveat. I can see him rather shamelessly playing up to a young filly or colt in an effort to impress an attractive mare. From my limited experience, he interacts very well with young foals. In many ways, he is a child at heart himself. So, that might explain the chemistry there. “That is a bit troublesome. The Tower Twins are far too attractive and intelligent for their own good. The combination has led to many a ruined life before this, and not just that of the victims. Far too often it has caused a mare to abuse the power that such a combination gives her. A stallion such as you describe would be putty in their hooves.” “Not to mention being identical twins. The effect is therefore doubled. Huzzah! As the stallions might express it,” Luna contributed, and then grew defensive at the scathing look her sister gave her. “Unlike young Curry, I am not naive, sister. I can certainly see how the fact they are twins would be very attractive to most stallions.” Fancy Pants chimed in. “Much worse is the fact you pointed out, they are brilliant fools, a combination which can cause far more trouble than one would expect. Education can help, if applied with a large enough hammer to get through their thick skulls. I believe it would be best for Equestria if their future careers were guided, indeed strongly encouraged, along more productive directions by training and mentoring. Celestia quirked an eyebrow, “You think they have potential, F.” “Potential?” Fancy Pants snorted. “In the same way a raw thunderhead has potential. The rain it brings can help crops, but the lightning can destroy, and the thunder frighten. But, just as pegasus shape a thunderhead, so too the twin's potential will depend on how they are shaped going forward." “I feel I am missing details, Sister. Potential for what exactly? And it is unlike you to apply diminutives to stallions. I believe you once told me that it was unfair to the poor dears to give them false hope by such informality.” Fancy Pants coughed, to cover up his sudden snort of laughter at Luna’s blunt words. “Ah, I had forgotten. Sister, please be known to Agent F, one of our most highly effective security operatives. He is suggesting that the twins be trained in his profession.” “I protest, sister. You said I could have them.” “The two things are not mutually exclusive, Luna. Your staff is small and admirable, but they lack the sort of subtly needed to monitor the upper echelons of Equestria society as one, or in this case as two, of their own.” Luna looked skeptical. “Are the nobles so dangerous to Equestria then, Sister? Frankly, I am sometimes surprised that they remember to get up in the morning.” Celestia smiled and shook her head in denial. “While individually there are many fine members of the nobility, the noble houses themselves tend toward mischief if not carefully monitored. Even then they are most dangerous to themselves. There is, in general, a buffer of competent minions between them and the common little ponies. Some competition between them is all well and good, but keeping them from destroying each other in their constant games of one-upmanship is a never-ending battle of behind the scenes manipulation.” She took a sip of iced tea and added with a fey smile, “It’s rather fun, frankly.” “Look forbidding, sister. They are coming.” Luna warned, nodding toward the barn where the wide doors had been thrown open to reveal a crowd of young ponies, along with the much taller Jake. At the forefront was the young earth pony, Silver Spoon, who had helped Curry settle down the high strung and terrified twins. Her silver-gray hide gleamed in the sunlight and her pure white mane and tail gleamed like spun silver while floating almost as ethereal as Celestia and Luna’s own.   “I really must bring Fleur to Ponyville for a treatment from the young princess. She’ll need an even bigger club than usual to beat off the stallions.” “Still playing stallionfriend for your cousin, F? You’ll never get a mare of your own that way,” Celestia remarked idly. A tiny smile caused her lip to twitch as the twins emerged bracketed between Scootaloo and Apple Bloom. Unlike the Silver Spoon, the twins looked like they’d just annoyed a crew of weather pegasus. While they were certainly much cleaner than they had been, that was where any resemblance to Silver Spoon ended. Their manes and tails hung wet and lank as if they’d just been inundated by a malicious cloudburst. Luna snickered. “I’m relieved to see that our youngest niece is capable of being spiteful. I was beginning to fear she did not think ponies were worthy of her bile.” Fancy Pants arched a finely sculpted eyebrow. “So it’s true. Young Curry has alicorn magic?” “Young Curry is a snipe. Her magic is indeterminate and is being researched by the best magical minds in Equestria. Luna is fond of her and used niece as a term of endearment. It is in no way indicative of a potential latent alicorn manifestation. And that is what I will tell any member of the press who asks,” Celestia said firmly as she directed a chastising look at her chagrined sister. And an even more quelling one at an inoffensive bush growing at the edge of the porch. As if it had been withered by Princess Celestia’s stare, the bush turned to dust, leaving behind a mahogany unicorn with an unrepentant grin on his face. Sitting down on his haunches he held out his forelegs and said. “It’s a fair cop, Princess. Throw on the hobbles and lock me up in durance-vile to wail and weep over my misdeeds.” Princess Celestia took a dainty sip of her chilled cider. She then politely wiped her mouth with a napkin. Only then did she speak. “Hello, Sneak Peek. Do you have any opinions on the salvageability of the Tower Twins?” “You’re no fun. Do you know how long it’s been since I spent a night in jail? I’m going to lose all credibility.” He gave a long-suffering sigh and suggested. “How about a trade? You answer old No Pants question, and I’ll answer yours?” “Methinks he really does wish to spend a night in durance-vile, sister. I would hazard the only possible punishment for his effrontery is to give him a straight answer.” A look of dismay crossed Sneaky’s muzzle. “Now hold on. You can’t just go and give me the truth. It’s no fun if I don’t winnow it out myself from the chaff.” His look of dismay deepened. “Oh crap. Did I just use a rural simile? It may be too late for me. Run away, No Pants. Before it happens to you.” Princess Celestia once again dabbed at her muzzle, this time to hide the slight quirk of her lip. Celestia shrugged. She looked over at where the crowd of ponies was being held back until she or Luna gave permission for them to approach. Deciding it would do the Tower Twins good to stew in their own juices for a bit, she told Sneak Peek. “Very well. We will take your trade. The truth about Curry is... We do not know. She is a mystery wrapped in an enigma and stuck inside a puzzle box. We can merely watch and observe and under no circumstances project any expectations onto her.” “You don’t know?” Sneak Peek let out a sigh of relief. “Thank you! For a moment there I thought you really were going to give me a straight answer. As for my part of the trade. Honestly, and you have no idea how saying that out loud burns my withered little soul, I really don’t know anything about the Twins that any pony in Ponyville couldn’t tell you. But I do have an interesting tidbit that you’ll likely be getting briefed on when you return to the castle.” Two of the three ponies listening to them dropped their nonchalant pose, at least to somepony who knew them well, even if the tell was only a quirked eyebrow. Applejack continued to stare off into the distance while chewing the inside of her cheek in deep thought. As if he were dictating a story, Sneak Peek declaimed, “Tower Industries was hit by a crooked accountant who siphoned off a vast chunk of their assets over the last few years. Thankfully for the market, it escaped collapse last night when an Angel investor bought up all their debt in return for a fifty-one percent stake in the company. The new chief financial officer, Mrs. Seeds, who detected the theft, has been appointed CEO by said Angel Investor. She’s frozen the company’s assets pending a full review of the books. For all intent and purposes, Tallest Tower is broke. At least by the standards of the richest of the rich. Needless to say, this also means that the Twins don’t have a bit to their name, at least until the company assets are unfrozen.” Big Mac and Granny Smith both winced. The farm had spent far too long skating on the edge of financial solvency for them to not feel sympathy for somepony who had their assets yanked out from under them. No matter who they might be. Big Mac heaved a huge sigh, and visibly relaxed as he leaned down and snatched up a wisp of hay to chew on. It was clear that this revelation, combined with all the other circumstances regarding the twins had led him to, not exactly forgiving, but accepting, that the twins had been sufficiently punished. *** Fancy Pants gave a subtle eyebrow twitch in Luna's direction while everypony else was busy, and in a few moments, found himself in a very quiet conference with Her Highness behind the scenes, as it could be considered. “Princess Luna, if I may be so bold. I believe one of my problems and two of your problems can be solved with a single action." He gave a quick glance to where Sneak Peek and Celestia were still talking and hastened his words under Luna's dark and silent gaze. "The Tower Twins will be a danger to any male in their vicinity during and after their training unless they are suitably restrained. My associate, Wooshter is in danger of being cut off from his funds if he is not engaged." "So you would have Us marry the miscreants off to your stallion friend?" Luna's noble brow furrowed in thought. "It seems an odd punishment." "The three of them will be under the gimlet glare of Wooshter's formidable aunts," began Fancy. "I daresay few jailers would be so stern. It could bring some responsibility to the lad, and perhaps some of their intelligence will rub off on him. Hopefully," Fancy added. "In addition, the twins will be faced with the responsibility of taking care of a husband with very little sense of his own. It will be good for them all around." "I see," mused Luna. "But didn't you say this Wooshter was reluctant to wed? We can sentence the twins to the bonds of matrimony due to their crimes, but my sister frowns on such things for simple nobility. They complain so." "Leave it to me, Your Highness," said Fancy Pants with a short bow. "I shall go speak with him forthwith." *** “Wooshter?” Fancy Pants caught the eye of the gangly stallion and made a subtle head motion to a place a short distance away, where they could talk privately. “Sorry to take you away from the excitement, old bean.” “Think nothing of it,” scoffed Wooshter with the flip of a forehoof. “Rather too many things going on for me to keep track of, so I was just biding time until it's all over, and I can ask somepony to explain it. What can I do for you?” “Actually…” Fancy Pants paused, then shook his head. “I find myself needing a favor, but I did not think things through before asking you. Think nothing of it.” “Needing a solid, then? Why I’ve heard my aunts say there’s nobody as dense as myself!” declared Wooshter. “Any friend of mine in trouble should be ready for a Wooshter to dash to their aid. So how may I dash for you?” “Well…” Fancy Pants licked his lips, looked off into the distance, and shook his head again. “Dash it, Wooshter! I can’t. A chum of mine has some mare problems, and I know how your aunts get when you’re around any young mares.” “Young mares?” Wooshter glanced to either direction with a sharp scowl. “You sound just like my aunt when she’s wheedling me to wed some slab-faced battleax with a shrill voice and buck teeth. I swear some of them are as old as she is.” “That wouldn’t be a problem,” countered Fancy Pants with a low chuckle.  “These mares are quite young. In fact, I believe they crossed the age of consent only a few months ago.  But if you don’t want to help out the twins—” “Twins?” asked Wooshter. Ears promptly perked up, and his eyes sparkled with interest. “And you say they’re above the age of consent? Both of them?” “Y…es,” admitted Fancy. “They’re in desperate trouble, and I thought it would keep your aunt placiated for a time if you were to provide them assistance. After all, they are damsels in distress, and a Wooshter is always available to lend a hoof to help a frazzled filly in need, as you say.” “Wat ho, indeed,” said Wooshter with a bit of a swagger, although he still appeared cautious. “Who are these poor waifs who are in need of my help?” “The Tower Twins.” Fancy shook his head again and let out a sigh. “Then again, they’re probably too rich for your blood. I suppose I could find the son of an earl or viscount—” “I’ll have you know Wooshter blood is rich as anything,” he blustered. “Why our corpuscles have other corpuscles to go shop for them, after all. We have great assets in the blood bank of the Wooshters.” “Are you certain?” Fancy put on his best pensive expression. “There are two of them, after all. Keeping them out of trouble could leave you quite busy.” “The noble House of Wooshter shall rise to the occasion,” declared Wooshter. “We could never leave a poor young filly out in the cold.” “I knew I should have trusted you,” said Fancy Pants, clapping Wooshter on a shoulder. “I’ll pass the good news on to my chum and… Oh, wait.” “Wait? What?” asked Wooshter. “Well, I know your word is as good as a golden bit,” started Fancy Pants slowly. “My chum, however, doesn’t know that you can be trusted. Doesn’t have the keen sense of character analysis that I have. Might go looking for another young chap to saddle these two beautiful young fillies with, and wind up with some cad who would take advantage of them.” “I can see that could be a problem,” admitted Wooshter with a frown of unaccustomed thought. “Lots of disreputable lads out there, after all. Young fillies are no help in that regard. No sense like us.” “They move fast, also,” admitted Fancy Pants. “A pair of sweet young things like these will attract the worst sort of reprobate. Some of your school chums come to mind.” “Like Bunkie?” Wooshter gave out a shudder. “Bloody idiot, if you ask me. No sense at all with mares. We’d need something to scare the blighters off.” “Like… a written contract, perhaps? Something that establishes quite firmly that you are the stallion in charge of these poor mares, and that any others should just bugger off.” Fancy Pants dug around in his saddlebags for a minute. “I think I can work up something legal enough to stand up in court if you’re willing to sign.” “Show me the line,” proclaimed Wooshter. *** Pearl and Tourmaline had lived a great deal of their lives in fear of social stigma. There could be nothing worse, in their minds, then being ostracized by those they thought of as their peers. But, other than that singular fear, they had gone through their lives blithely unaware or concerned at all about the consequences of their actions. As they were shepherded toward the princesses by the strange little snipe and her friends, they were learning that the censor of their friends was as nothing compared to being judged by Princess Celestia. For the first time in their lives, they were experiencing real gut-wrenching terror. Their fear was only exasperated by the sick guilt they were both feeling over how close they had come to casting a lust spell on an innocent foal, who happened to be a prince of the realm. Telling themselves that the spell would have had no effect on the prince due to his age did nothing to alleviate their feelings of guilt. They were no longer self-assured enough to believe their own excuses. It took all of their little remaining courage and self-confidence, to keep from falling to their knees when they were finally face to face with Princess Celestia. The supreme ruler of all of Equestria stood on the crude wooden porch as if it were the finest inlaid marble and looked down her muzzle at them with an expression that took them back to their foalhood, an incident involving a very expensive cake, and the slippery nature of tablecloths. Cook had not been pleased to see two days work turned into a foal wrestling venue. Princess Celestia arched her neck, the better to look down on the twins while flaring her wings outward to their full extent. “I am very disappointed in you, my little ponies. You have displayed a level of selfishness that I find most distressing. I am only grateful that your attitude and behavior has been exposed before you had a chance to walk so far down your misguided path that there was no hope left for your salvation, forcing me to sentence you to Tartarus. Celestia paused to let her words sink into the two mares’ minds. “Before I pass judgment, do you have anything to say in your defense?” Curry Comb gave Pearl a sudden slap on the cutie mark, causing her to jerk forward ahead of her sister. Fighting the urge to kick back at the creature, she cleared her throat several times and then said in a stilted voice as if reading from a script. “My sister and I were overcome by our need for a stallion in our lives.” Pearl paused, her face twisted in distaste until a not so subtle nudge from behind caused her to continue. “It was unforgivable, but thanks to Princess Moonlight we have found a stallion to fill the hole in our hearts and we will be good ponies from now on.” Tourmaline jerked in time with the sound of another wet slap to her rump and hurriedly contributed to her sister’s story. “That is right! We were terrible ponies. But now we have a stallion and will be good ponies.” The dreadful little creature stepped up between them and looked at Princess Celestia with wide eyes and a pleading expression on its flat face. “That sure is good news. I bet they’ll be so busy making foals with their new stallion, and looking after those foals, that they won’t have time to do any more fussing or feuding. So if they promise to not go casting magic around all careless like do you think you could maybe let them off, your princesship?” Princess Celestia had been doing what she did for a very long time. As such, she was able to keep a perfectly straight face – unlike Sneak Peek who had stuck his head under the porch while his sides heaved with laughter – when she answered Curry. “I wish I could be sure of that, Princess Moonlight, but I’m afraid not even the noblest of stallions could keep these two out of mischief. However, my sister, Princess Luna, has asked that these two be remitted into her care. If they are willing and capable of doing so, they will be enrolled in the Royal Academy and undergo the most rigorous training possible. In the event they survi... I mean, pass, they will enter Princess Luna’s service, and be granted a pardon. As their stallion is blameless in all of this, he will be allowed to reside in the area of the castle set aside for members of the night court.” Celestia nodded to the chief of the royal guard present. “Please take them into custody and arrange their transport back to Canterlot.” “As you command, Princess,” The guard snapped out while giving her a picture perfect wing salute. Two guards, forewarned, stepped forward and slipped suppression rings on the twin’s horns. Just before the two shattered ponies were led away, Celestia addressed them directly. “Take this opportunity my sister and Princess Moonlight have given you. If you fail in your training, make no mistake about it, I will have no choice but to sentence you to either banishment or Tartarus.” *** Silver Spoon stood frozen in place as the twins were led off. Slowly her eyes shifted till she was looking at Curry Comb. Somehow the creature had totally destroyed two of the most influential ponies in Equestria in the space of a single day. She shuddered as she remembered how she had planned to drive a wedge between Diamond Tiara, the snipe, and her filly friends. It could have been her being led off to a fate worse than death. Her legs quivered and she slowly folded into a kneeling position on the ground, her eyes wide as her heart raced like a trip hammer. The snipe was the first to notice. “Hey, wait! Everyone, Somethings wrong with Silver Spoon!” Diamond Tiara rushed to her side. “Silver Spoon! What is it? What’s wrong with you?” “Maybe she caught a chill from that shower I gave her. Quick, someone get a nice warm blanket.” “She’s a monster. A monster,” Silver Spoon whispered. “What was that? Do you need anything?” Silver Spoon turned her head to look at the snipe. “No! I mean... No. I’m fine. It’s just been a long day.” She struggled to her feet and plastered a smile on her face as she looked into Curry’s worried face. It was scary how good the creature was at pretending concern. “Everything is going to be alright,” she assured all the ponies gathered around her. *** Epilogue (1) Wooshter had never had any difficulty in admitting that he was a pony of very little intellect. And even if he had, his aunt would never have allowed him to keep the delusion that he was not as thick as two planks. Therefore he thought it dashed unsporting for Curry Comb to drop such a bombshell for his poor thin grey matter to deal with. He looked around Fluttershy’s home, hoping to draw a clue from the handsome Griffon lady or the two Pegasi mares that he had just been flirting with. Fluttershy, in particular, was lovely when she blushed. “Blast it! I don’t understand why Princess Luna is ordering me to marry the Tower Twins. They’re barely out of leading strings, dash it! I know I sighed the bally document promising that I'd look out for them, but I don't recall any mention of marriage in it.” Of course, he had to acknowledge, he hadn't actually read the dratted thing. Just signed on the dotted line. “Well, she doesn’t expect you to marry them right away. They have to finish basic guard training, the lucky ducks.” Curry muttered. “Ducks? Now there are ducks! Where is a gentlepony’s gentlepony when he’d most needed. I’ll tell you. Laying on a beach soaking up the sun when he should be here dealing with this sort of thing.” “And besides, Princess Luna isn’t ordering you to do it.” “She isn’t!” A look of intense relief crossed Wooshter’s face. He didn’t deny that the Tower Twins were dashed attractive, but besides being dashed young they were also dashed clever. He didn’t get along well with clever ponies. Sooner or later, no matter how well a conversation was going they started to look at him in that way. Sort of the way that young Curry was looking at him now as she said, “Well, no. You don’t have to. But I figured anything would be better than being gelded.” Fluttershy had been sipping tea, while Gilda and Rainbow Dash each had a glass of juice. The spray went everywhere. As for Wooshter, his poor brain had been strained far beyond its rated capacity and gave up the ghost. Curry stared down at the comatose pony. “I knew he’d be relieved that he wasn’t going to get cut, but I didn’t think he’d be that relieved.” Looking over at her mom, Curry asked. “Mom, could you pack a lunch for Shadow Dash? He might not be able to come home for a few days if Miss. Twilight can’t figure out a way to help him.” *** Epilogue (2) Applejack trotted down the middle of the laneway, Curry Comb on her back with a large wicker basket cradled in front of her. As her body moved in time to Applejack’s motion, Curry’s eyes scanned the trees. “Wait, there he is!” she shouted out, pointing up into a massive old oak tree. “I really, really, wish you’d stop doing that, Princess,” Shadow Dash said from the shadows in an aggrieved tone. Curry smiled unrepentantly and held up the basket. “Mom packed you a meal. All your favorites. I even snuck some of Gilda’s fish and fried them up as a treat for you.” There was silence for a minute while Applejack did her best to see the nocturne stallion. It wasn’t till she placed a hoof on the trunk of the tree that she smiled broadly and silently mouthed, ‘There you are.’ “Thank you. Tell your mother I appreciate it. You can leave it on the ground. I’ll get it when I’m hungry.” Curry slipped off of Applejack, leaving the basket of goodies on her back before running down the lane while shouting over her shoulder. “Make sure he eats it all.” “Count on it, sugarcube,” Applejack called after Curry before turning back to the tree with Shadow Dash in it. “So, sweetpea. Jest how long are you planning on perching in the trees like a baby bird that’s afraid to fly?” “I’m an old pony, and I’m feeling a bit stiff. Once things loosen up again I’ll be coming down.” Applejack rolled her eyes. “I know about the spell, jackass. But if you ain’t into plain speaking, I’ll give you a little. Twilight examined that there spell, and took a guess as to how it would work with your protections.” “Those are need-to-know, spells.” Shadow Dash objected “And the Captain of the Royal Guards has a very smart, very curious, baby sister. Your point?” “Point. So what did the very clever Twilight Sparkle determine?” “Twilight figured that your runes absorbed the spell like you said. Thing is, you got hit by two of them, and it has to trickle the magic back out in smaller, less-dangerous doses over time.” Applejack twitched nervously. “So you’re dangerous as the dickens for a week or two. She showed me the math. Gave me a heck of a headache.” “A week or two!” Shadow Dash could not keep a certain amount of dismay out of his voice. Applejack smiled up into the leaves. “Yep, sure nuff. She did figure out a few ways to deal with it, however.” Up in the tree, Shadow Dash could not help but think that Applejack had a very nice smile. And if he’d been twenty years younger, and not currently dealing with a potent virility spell he might have liked exploring various ways of seeing it more often. But, alas, he wasn’t and he was. So all he said was. “You’re smiling. I don’t like that smile. What did the Captain’s clever baby sister come up with?” “She can give you a potion that will make you sleep,” Applejack gave a cough, “until, and these here are her words, not mine. The swelling goes down.” “Unacceptable. I can’t abandon my post for that long.” “Or you could hook up with your marefriend. Twi and Princess Luna ran the math and figure twenty-four hours at the most would be enough to bleed off the effect. If you work right hard at it. Princess Luna also suggested that your marefriend should bring a friend or two to help. Her and Twilight had a right interesting discussion concerning how ‘hard’ you’d have to work. Didn’t understand most any of it, but I did get the general gist, and Princess Luna isn’t far off being right if you’re talking about spindly little unicorns or pegasus. But, I’d say one strapping earth pony mare would be up to the challenge.” Shadow Dash made a choking sound before saying, in a rather thready voice, “That’s no good. I don’t have a marefriend. With or without a friend. As you well know.” Applejack had been carefully examining the tree Shadow Dash was perched in while she was conversing with him. She suddenly spun in place and slammed her rear hooves into it. There was a sharp crack, a cry of surprise and then a large branch came crashing to the ground, followed by a fluttering nocturne stallion, Shadow Dash hastily cupped his wings around his lower body, but he was fairly certain Applejack had gotten a good peek despite his efforts. “Hallelujah, it’s raining stallions.” Applejack smirked at the huddled pony. “You want to rethink that last bit?” Despite her brash and forthright behavior, Applejack was blushing like a schoolgirl who’d just spotted her first stallion malfunction. “I’m old enough to be your father! I’ve got a daughter your age! Damn!” Shadow Dash bit his tongue and wished he could take back that last sentence. “Daughter? I’m guessing there was a wife once upon a time. I’m sorry she ain’t around no more.” “How do you know that?” “Cause there ain’t no way you’d mention your daughter and not your wife. Not unless you ain’t the pony I think you are.” “We were never married. I was young and stupid, my daughter was born a feathered pegasus pony, and her mother never really wanted to admit to my--visit, so she stayed with her family.” Shadow Dash ducked his head sorrowfully. “Not a day goes by that I don’t wish I’d been part of her life.” “Wouldn’t expect any less from you,” said Applejack. “Always had you pegged for the fatherly type.” “So you see why you and I can’t—” Shadow Dash cut off as the loop of Applejack’s lasso settled loosely over his head and around his neck. “Wait!” he protested. “Not listening,” Applejack sang from around the rope in her mouth. “Asides, you ain’t putting up much of a fight. I happen to know of a right nice and pretty little clearing surrounded by apple trees just a little ways off. Lots of privacy.” Shadow Dash had several options. He was a captive, after all, even if the rope was loose around his neck. He really did not want to fight Applejack, for more than a few good reasons, but as a Royal Guard, he had been trained to never retreat. Surrender, however... Remembering his old drill instructor’s advice about never arguing with a mare with the bit between her teeth, he followed Applejack, resigned to his fate. And the slight spring in his step was purely him working the kinks out of his legs after laying so long on a tree branch. Or so he told himself. “Oh, and once we get there, I got a nice bottle of Sweet Apple Select laid down by my Grandpap. Twilight is pretty sure alcohol will neutralize the effects. Likely why that there spell never became popular.” Shadow Dash stopped trotting, at least until the rope around his neck started to tighten. He had never wanted to spank a mare more than he did right now, if not for the possibility… No, bad idea. Way bad idea. Indignation. Yes, that would do. “That’s a rather dirty trick Miss Applejack. Playing on the expectations of a poor vulnerable Stallion.” Applejack looked back over her shoulder, her cheeks crimson. “I’m the Element of Honesty, sugar. I don’t make promises I don’t intend to keep. Or drag no stallion out into the bushes without his most sincere and honest approval.” Shadow Dash blinked a few times while parsing her words, then he smiled broadly and said, “Ahh, well, in that case, I withdraw my accusation.” She really did have a very nice smile. *** Epilogue (3) Silver Spoon sat in her bedroom writing a letter, chewing on the quill in concentration. The floor around her was covered in windrows of balled up paper demonstrating the difficulty she was having in getting the words just right. Dear Pearl and Tourmaline. I beg of you not to tear this letter up until after you have read it. I know that I’m likely the very last pony you want to hear from. If it had not been for my careless handling of the magic book you would not be in so much trouble now. I’m sorry it took me a week to get up the nerve to write, and I’m not even sure you’re going to get this letter. I’ve been told that you can not receive outside mail until you have completed your basic training. I’m sure you will do it quicker than any pony in the history of Equestria. But, I am writing this to you now because I do not know how much longer it will be before my mind is clouded like so many in Ponyville. There are things you need to know. The spellbook? Did you know that that it appeared as if out of nowhere in the saddlebag of a dimwitted unicorn blank-flank? And that the one who discovered it was the snipe who orchestrated so much of your humiliation. I can trace the path her manipulations took and they lead directly to you ending up with that book. I tried to warn you at the time, but I fear you did not truly understand the insidious nature of this creature. The bravest, smartest, and strongest willed pony I knew has been turned into a common earth pony who asks how high when the snipe tells her to jump. You might think I exaggerate the danger, but I just recently learned that the pony who stole your father’s company right out from under you is Diamond Tiara’s father. That is the pony I told you about, who has been brainwashed by the snipe. And the connection does not end there. The little tag-along stalker who made you look so bad, Babs Seed? She is related by adoption to the prince the snipe created, and it was her mother who is now running your rightful inheritance. No doubt she will loot it to the bare ground and you will be left with nothing. At first, I had no idea why she targeted two innocent mares like yourselves. You did not warrant such treatment. The only thing I can think of is that somehow you posed a threat to her plans for Prince Jake, who she created. Maybe she was afraid that your natural charm and beauty would draw Prince Jake’s interest, and cause her to lose influence with him? They tell me that once you complete your training, you will be taken into Princess Luna’s service. There is no question in my mind that you will pass with the highest possible scores. Once you do, I beg of you, the future of Equestria rests on your shoulders. You have experienced first hand the evil of this creature. You will not be fooled. You must thwart her vile schemes. Gain the trust of Princess Luna, advise her, warn her of the danger represented by this vile creature. Your Friend, though I am not worthy of the title, Silver ‘Pewter’ Spoon.