How To Train Your Batpony

by peter


Chapter 14 How not to marry a Prince, part six

How to Train Your Batpony, ch14

Or:

How not to marry a prince, part six


Why was she doing this? Babs Seed wondered to herself as she raced down the dirt road in pursuit of a scary beyond all reason, night pony, who had passed her as if she was standing still a few moments before, and the twins who had made her life a misery for the last year. Surely they had forfeited any right to her concern long since.

But, no matter how hard Babs tried to talk herself out of her current actions, her legs kept pumping and her heart ached with fear at the thought of what might happen to the twins. They were all alone now. They had totally alienated not just the townsponies, but the princesses as well. There was no pony left with any interest in saving them, except for her.

***

Gentle fillies do not gallop. Or so Pearl and Tourmaline had been told since they had been old enough to do so. And if in recent years they had at times forgotten that, there had been peers and role models aplenty to reinforce that dictum.

Gentle Fillies also do not sweat. At the most, they might perspire, say after a workout at the spa/gym. That was another of their mother’s dictums. If you are doing something that made you sweat like a farm pony than that is de facto proof you should not be doing whatever it was.

Their mother would be appalled if she could see them now.

The twins were currently galloping as if their lives depended on it, and they weren’t just sweating, they were dripping. Their carefully coiffed manes were lank with sweat and dust, and their flanks were lathered with foam. Every time they started to slow down there would be a thrashing in the bushes and that horrible night pony would show up, paralleling the laneway while staring at them with his hungry gleaming yellow eyes. Only the fact that they were still in full sunlight had prevented the beast from ravaging them mercilessly.

Hope was in sight for the twins, however. Ahead of them, the trees were thinning out and there were sunkissed fields. They would be protected there, and as long as they could find some sort of shelter that they could barricade themselves behind before nightfall fell. They would be safe. They burst out of the trees and almost sobbed in relief as they spotted the quaint farm buildings in the distance. An hour ago, their skin would have crawled at the idea of entering one of those bucolic dwellings; now they practically glowed in the sunlight and promised sanctuary from the dark beast who raced hot on their plots.

***

As a drill instructor, Shadow Dash was intimately familiar with the maxim that sometimes you had to be cruel to be kind. Going soft on recruits would harm them more than help them. At the same time, you had to understand your trainees. The same level of applied maliciousness might toughen up one recruit, and break another beyond any hope of rebuilding them. You could easily destroy a recruit with enormous potential by making a mistake on when to push, and when to pull. Or in Lumpy’s case, when to pound him just as hard as possible.

He had to remind himself from time to time that the two fillies he was harassing were not raw recruits. Even if they shared the temperament of many of the noble-born officer cadets who he had dealt with on more occasions than he cared to remember.

It was difficult because his current situation was a pretty close mirror in some ways to the first day of basic training. Put the fear of him into the recruits, and then run them till they puked. That would allow him to assess their potential with surprising accuracy. Until a few minutes ago Shadow would have classified the twins as likely pathetic washouts. His opinion was shifting. Their speed up to this point, their endurance despite a pandered upbringing, and most of all the sheer force of the spell they had cast on him showed real power and control. There was some serious potential there if it could be harnessed.

But, the twins were not recruits. They were two foolish fillies who had committed an indictable offense right in from of the princesses. Unless it could be demonstrated that they had been properly punished, Princess Celestia would have to take steps, and he knew how much she hated being forced into that position. For her sake, he was prepared to give it his all to both provide a valuable life lesson and suitable chastisement all in one. But he was suffering a bit of a quandary now.

Shadow Dash had not been entirely honest with Princess Celestia. While it was true his protective runes had grounded a great deal of the spell the twins had cast, the spell had been extraordinarily potent in more ways than one, and the twins had revealed themselves to have a surprisingly deep magic well. If they had been recruits, he would have recommended that the SMC, Special Magic Service, kept an eye on them, and would have made a note to the effect on their performance evaluation.  

In short, he wasn’t. For the first time in twenty years his little soldier had left the guard post without orders. He knew he should bite the arrow and continue with the mission. If anything, his current state would just add to the twins terror. And they were responsible for it, after all, so he felt no guilt over scarring their delicate little minds. The whole purpose of this exercise was to teach them that actions had consequences. But he could not help but think that this was not how he had imagined his next encounter going with Applejack⁽¹⁾ He already had a strike, or two, against him from being a ruggedly handsome creature of the night. He didn’t want to add yet another reason for her to give him a wide berth. So, he hid in the shadows—like a coward—and watched as the twins galloped for the shelter of the Apple’s farmhouse.

⁽¹⁾Applejack might not currently be present, but Shadow Dash knew exactly how long that would last if he were to gallop out in the middle of Sweet Apple Acres in his current condition. A picosecond at the most.

***

Granny Smith was a prideful pony. Normally, having a pony who wasn’t family coming into her house and proceed to do all the cleaning, and a lot of the cooking, would have gotten her dander up something fierce. But somehow she just couldn’t work up a good snit in regards to Goose Down. It was clear as fine moonshine that the poor pony desperately needed to be needed. Goose was not the pony giving charity, it was Granny Smith who was giving the petite nocturne with the big assets a purpose. Plus, she listened raptly and without a single eye-roll to all of Granny’s stories.

“So, how is that fine stud of a brother of your’n getting along with that uppity tent?”

Goose paused in her dish drying, which was quite a sight with towels draped over both her forelegs and wingtips, going after the wet dishes like some terrycloth octopus on a mission. “I’m not sure. They both act like they despise each other, but I think they enjoy their quarrel a great deal.”

“He he,” Granny cackled. “I’ve known a few of that sort in my time. They ain’t happy unless they’re a feudin and a fightin. Why I recollect my great-nephew on my sister, Apple Betty’s side—”

Goose’s ear lifted and swiveled toward the door. She held up a hoof, cutting off Granny. Normally the deferential pony would never dream of interrupting an elder in mid-life-lesson, but what she was hearing sounded serious. “Somepony is coming, fast and, scared. Two of them.”

“Do I need my bat?” Granny Smith asked in all seriousness as she tried to leverage herself up out of her rocker with a grunt and then gave it up as a bad idea.  She nodded toward her old softball bat that was gathering dust beside the door. “I reckon I still got what it takes to knock a few balls out of the park if need be.”

Goose cocked an ear, then shook her head as she gestured at herself. “Why would you need that bat, when you have this bat. Besides, from the sound of their panting and the way they run, I’m pretty sure they’re young mares.” Goose’s ears twitched, and she added. “Very out of shape mares.”  

“That so? Well, if’n that be the case, maybe do that thing you do? With the lurking and the hiding? No need to go giving them fillies anymore of a fright then it sounds they already got.” Granny suggested.

Goose smiled, Granny gave her a grin back and then watched as Goose bounced halfway up the stairs, turned and, twisting her body in a way that made Granny’s back spasm just watching, jumped up into the stairwell, vanishing from sight.

Just in time, as the outside door slammed open. Two bedraggled and sweat-soaked unicorn fillies that Granny had seen running about Ponyville causing all sorts of trouble and strife, hurtled inside, and after slamming the door, used their magic to shove anything portable up against it. Exhausted and frightened, there was no subtlety to their magic. They were just grabbing anything in reach and basically hurling it at the door.

Despite her Goose early warning system, Granny was surprised enough that it wasn’t until her favorite rocker, with her in it, floated into the air that she said anything. “What in tarnation are you two flibbertigibbets doing?”

Speaking in eerie synchronicity the two mares answered with pauses to gasp for breath.
“We’re being chased by a rabid batpony!”
“He’s been chasing us for hours!”
“He’ll do terrible perverted things to us if he catches us!”
“For two days!”
“Maybe for four days. He was hit twice with the spell!”

Then in harmony so perfect their individual voices were indistinguishable, they pointed at each other and yelled, “It’s her fault!”

A sudden gust of wind swept through the house as if a door had suddenly been opened, or an agitated nocturne upstairs had partially unfurled her wings in shock.

“Settle down, girl. Settle down. If you can’t keep still, best git out.” There was total silence from upstairs and Granny nodded in approval.

The already panicked ponies became frantic as they fell to their knees and beseeched Granny.

“We can’t! If we go out he’ll get us for sure!”

“Please, we’ll do anything.”

“I wasn’t talking to you’uns. I was talking to the family haunt. Now, about this batpony you say is chasing. Old and crippled is he?”

“No! He’s a monster.”
“He’s huge!”
“No mare could possibly handle him.”

“And y’all say he’s been chasing you’uns for hours?”

“That’s right.
“For hours and hours.”

“Fiddle Faddle and balderdash. Ain't no batpony worth his name who wouldn’t catch you up in five minutes if he really wanted to.”

“Maybe it wasn’t hours,” Pearl, said uncertainly.

“We kept in the sunlight. Everypony knows batponies can’t stand the sun.” Tourmaline added.

Granny put a thoughtful look on her face as she stroked her chin with a hoof. Inside she was wondering what the hay was going on. The nonsense the two fillies were spouting didn’t make a lick of sense, particularly since she had once seen Goose Down basking in a sunbeam like a snoring cat. But, something had, sure as green apples turn red, scared the crabapples out of them.

“I have to tell you the truth. I’m suspicious as can be. Why was this so-called batpony chasing two skinny things like you when there are many a fine mare who’d be happy to have him fly through their window? The truth now. Old Granny will know if you fib. I ain’t so old I can’t take a switch to the two of you. Or maybe I’ll just kick you out the front door and let that there batpony you say is chasing you take care of the punishment.”

The twins were worn to a frazzle, mentally shattered by their circumstances. They had run away from the terrifying stallion, but deep in their hearts, they knew there was no running away from the consequences of their actions. All they needed was an excuse to express what had gone wrong with their lives. Even if it was to a crazy old earth pony.

“We just wanted Lady Trend Setter and Dame Tiffany Shade to stop teasing us!” Tourmaline blurted out, all trace of the haughty pony persona she had been projecting since coming to Ponyville absent.

“If we married the prince as mother wanted, they’d have to stop putting us down and insulting us every time we meet,” Pearl explained.

“We can’t help it if our daddy is richer than their daddies and they don’t like the way he talks.”

“We can’t help it that we’re not nobles.”

“We tried everything to fit in. We bought the fanciest clothes. Mother hired tutors to teach us how proper high society ponies talk and act, and who to talk to.”

“That’s right. Who you talk to and how you talk to them is as important as how you talk.”

“All we wanted to do was meet the prince. We were sure he’d fall for us.”

“But we couldn’t even get to see him.”

“Then we found that spell book.”

“Like, it just dropped into our laps.”

“It had to be fate.”

“All we had to do was cast the spell on him and let nature take its course. Once Tourmaline was pregnant he’d have to marry us.”

“Wait! After I’m pregnant? You’re the one who was going to, you know, do it. You’re the one who’d have the foal.”

“You have to be joking! I don’t know the first thing about stallions. How could I be the one? You’re the one who knows all about stallions and how to handle them.”

“I know about stallions?” Tourmaline shouted at her sister in shock. “You’re the one who knows all about that sort of thing!”

“I’m not the one who snuck off at the party and spent all that time in the closet with the stallion!”

“I did not! That stallion wanted me to, but I didn’t. The pink party pony rescued me from him and took me in the back to introduce me to the babies. They were the cutest little things. They reminded me of Babs when she was that age.”

The twins were so caught up in their argument that they totally missed the way Granny Smith’s eyes had narrowed or the dangerous glint that had appeared in them. “So you’uns were going to cast a spell on the prince?” She asked in a flat tone.

“It wouldn’t have hurt him. He’d have enjoyed it. Pearl—”

“You!” Tourmaline snapped out.

“As if! You’re the stallion crazy one. If only that blasted batpony hadn’t jumped in front of our spell you’d have a foal in your belly and we’d be set for life.”

Pearl looked like she was about to bite her sister’s ear off when the twin’s argument was interrupted.

“Y’all tried to cast a lust spell at my five year old great grandson!” Granny Smith said in a low dangerous tone that would have sent Big Mac and Applejack scrambling for the hills with their tails covering as much of their posteriors as possible. The old mare’s ears lay flat against her head and if she’d had fangs she gave the impression she would have been baring them.

“No!”
“We’d never!”
“How can you think we’d target a foal!”
“We never even mentioned a foal.”
“The spell had a safety.”
“It can’t affect a foal.”
“Well, not much, maybe.”
“So even if a foal had been in the line of fire.”
“They wouldn’t have been affected.”
“Maybe.”
“But no foal was.”
“We wouldn’t have risked it.”
“Even with the safeties.”

Granny’s ears lifted, a very little bit. In all honesty, if the twins had aimed their spell at Big Mac she would have been more amused than outraged. They’d hardly have been the first mare to go to extreme measures to try to lure him into the hayloft. But they hadn’t, they had targeted her innocent, if not so little, great-grandson. So her anger only moderated slightly at the revelation that the two fillies had not been so callous as to knowingly cast such a spell on a foal too young to understand.

“Y’all aimed it at Prince Jake Apple. My great-grandson. Who’s only five years old.” Granny growled. “He’s way big for his age,” she added out of a sense of honesty, fairness, and family pride.

***

Both Pearl and Tourmaline felt a moment of increased panic, hard as it was to believe. Both of them were perfectly aware how every single villager had told them that the prince was living on a farm. They dismissed the thought in perfect tandem, moving onto the next point. There was no way the prince they had tracked all day long was only five years old. His immature behavior was clearly him humoring the tiny foal who had accompanied him all day. They had often done the same thing when playing with infants, before they’d become sophisticated enough to understand how uncool it was. The crazy old lady was just trying to frighten them and make them feel guilty. After being chased for miles and miles by a lust-crazed batpony it would take a lot more than some wrinkly old earth pony to scare them.

***

As if she had read their minds, Granny Smith spoke up just as the twins were mutually coming to the conclusion that they had nothing to fear from her. “Course, I can understand how mares can get all heated up over a handsome stallion. So I don’t hold it agin you. Now she might feel a bit different.” Granny gestured upward with a hoof.

Both of the unicorns looked over at Granny Smith, and they followed the direction of her pointed hoof. Their eyes widened as they spotted the batpony clinging to the ceiling just above their heads.

In a flat tone that was no less deadly for it, the pony with the glowing golden eyes hissed. “My name is Goose Down. You spelled my brother. Prepare to die.”

Subtlety went out the window, and so did the twins, along with a good chunk of the window frame, and several items too close to their mutual blasting spell. Bits of the farmhouse shot out into the yard as if propelled by Pinkie Pie's biggest party cannon. The debris had not even finished falling to the ground before the twins rocketed out of the house in a colorful streak, complete with screams fading away into the fields.

Goose’s wings unfurled slightly as she prepared to give chase.

“Hold up!”

Goose looked over at Granny, with an unusual for her, mulish look.

“You’ve given them there fillies a good scare, and I ain’t saying they don’t deserve more, but I got an important job for you.”

“It’s not enough. They would have cast a spell on the prince if Big Brother hadn’t been there to stop them. They need to pay.”

“That as well may be. I know it’s past your bedtime, but I’d surely appreciate it if you’d trot out to the north forty and ask Big Mac if he’d run on in. Don’t go telling him why. No point in getting the colt all het up before it’s needed.”

Goose glared at the hole in the house’s wall. Then turned her eyes back to Granny Smith and took a long, deep breath. “Are you sure?”

“At my age, I’m always sure.” Granny cackled. “I might not be right. But I’m always sure. Now go on, git. Them two will wait. Ain’t like there any place they can run that somepony can’t ketch them. Not if they did what they said they did. Trust this old creaky mare. They ain’t goin’ nowhere.”

“Of course, Granny. I’ll go out the back door.” She had barely snatched her broad sombrero from the stand in the hallway before Granny stopped her with a question.

“Prepare to die?” Granny asked with a quirk of one hairy grey eyebrow.

“Too much? It’s from a story about pirates and princesses that Curry has been telling us. It is great fun.”

“You don’t seem to be too upset at them casting a spell on your brother?”

“Pfft! Those lightweights. Big Brother would have them for lunch if he wanted.” Goose said with the unshakable confidence of an adoring little sister. “Besides, Big Brother would never… um…” Sweat beaded on Goose’s forehead and her cheeks took on a rosy glow. “I mean he’s not the kind of stallion who… um… I don’t think he’s ever… I’ll just  go get and get Big Mac now I think.”

There was a swirl of air and Goose was gone. And a moment later Goose was back, looking abashed. “I’m sorry about the window. I’ll fix it as soon as I’m able.” Then she was gone again, this time for real.

***

Pearl and Tourmaline’s first inclination was to head for the tree line, but then they remembered that there was a batpony lurking in the brush, just waiting to pounce. Their next thought was the barn, but if there were batponies in the farmhouse, there was no assurance that there would not be a whole colony of them in the barn. They looked around frantically and spotted a large haystack. Having read many a tale in which the heroine had sought refuge in one of those, they broke into a dead run toward it. They’d lay low until nightfall, and then under cover of darkness, make their way back to town. It never occurred to them that for every novel where the heroine hides out successfully in a haystack, there were a dozen where said haystack became a romantic hideaway for illicit love.

Of course, if the Twin’s ever stopped to think about the logical inconsistencies of their course of actions, they would not currently be fleeing from Nocturne ponies that considered the night their domain. Despite their frantic fleeing, they continued to bicker even while running as fast as their hooves would carry them. Though with a certain breathlessness to their voices, not to mention weezing and the occasional gasping for air.

“Why was there a batpony in the farmhouse?”

“How the buck would I know, Tourmaline?”

“You don’t suppose that the prince really lives there and he was a guard pony, Pearl?”

“It was a mare, not a stallion. So no, she can't be. Everypony knows that the batponies don’t let their mares out in public. There’s no way she was a guard. Now shut up and run. We have to get under cover before all those real royal guards that were with the princesses get here.”

“Why were the princesses there, anyway?”

“For bucks sake, Tourmaline. Why do you keep asking me? I don’t know! A clandestine meeting away from the town. You heard the rumors that the prince is Princess Luna’s secret son the same as I did. Now shut it, or hiding in that haystack isn’t going to do us any good.”

“Pearl. I don’t think that’s a haystack.”

Grabbing her sister in her magic when it looked like Tourmaline was about to balk at diving into the sheltering mound of hay, Pearl dove forward dragging her twin behind her even as she split her magic to make a hole in front of them.

***

“Impressive use of her magic given their state of mind. It is a rare unicorn who can cast that well when under such duress.” Princess Celestia observed from within the sheltering shade at the edge of one of the farm’s orchards, along with numerous other ponies including her sister. Twilight was far too occupied with her newest ‘precious’ to pay any attention to anything else.

‘Indeed, sister. It is a pity their morals are so lacking.”

“Do you wish us to retrieve them, Your Highnesses?” the guard in charge of the detachment that had accompanied the two sisters asked.

“You really don’t want to do that,” a voice said from the vicinity of Luna’s knees.

Curry seconded the remark with a smirk. “Yeah, trust us. Scootaloo knows what she’s talking about from first-hand experience.”

“And why is that, my little ponies?” Celestia asked the snipe and pegasus pony, who along with their friends had worked their way to the front of the crowd so they’d have a good view of the action. Scootaloo was a bit disappointed that Shadow Dash had vanished from the scene. She’d been looking forward to seeing him give the two bullies their just desserts.

Just then there was a terrible shriek from the direction of the mound the twins had disappeared into. Once again the two fillies burst out of their place of concealment as if rocket-propelled. This time they were covered in muck and mire of a very organic nature.

“Cause that ain’t no haystack,” Curry Comb offered unnecessarily. “It’s used hay from the pigpens. Those two are going to need a real good hose down before I get anywhere near them with a brush.”

“Sergeant. I think this sideshow has gone on long enough. If you and your men could round up our wayward ponies and get them cleaned up before bringing them before us it would be appreciated.”

“So soon, Sister? They have not yet tried to hide in the pigpen itself.”

“After a certain amount of time, comedy becomes pathos, Luna. I find myself disinclined to feel sympathy for those two.”

Luna gestured toward the field. “I think, sister, as the saying goes, that ship has sailed.”

The twins were kneeling on the ground in a posture of complete surrender. They had their forelegs wrapped around each other’s neck. Their attitude seemed to indicate that they expected the world to fall on them at any moment, and there was nothing that they could do to avoid or withstand it.

The same could not be said for the young filly standing between them and the royal guards who were attempting to approach the pair. She had a fallen branch clenched between her teeth and she was brandishing it at any guard who got too close. As all of them were pegasus, any option other than physically laying hooves on the crazy foal was off the table. From the looks being exchanged and the general demeanor of said guards, it was clear that none of them wanted to be the big strong stallion who subdued the brave, if foolish, filly.

“What? Oh, me! As if this situation was not already troubling enough.”

Apple Bloom reared up in an effort to see what was going on. Her jaw dropped as she cried out, “Is that Babs? It is Babs! What is she doing?”

“You still want to handle this, sister?” Luna asked Celestia with a teasing tone.

“I think I will let Ponyville’s princess handle it, sister. You did tell me you had gained that title did you not? Far be it for me to usurp your prerogative.”

Showing that a smart mouth in no way indicated wisdom, Curry could not help but chime in. “Wow, those are some right fancy words. Do they mean it’s up to Princess Luna to beat up a little filly because the guards can’t handle her?”

A dead silence followed Curry’s words. She looked around and saw every pony in earshot looking at her with an incredulous expression. She started to think that butting into the middle of a conversation between the two princesses might not have been a good idea.

The only exception to the general disbelief were the two princesses themselves. Luna looked over at Celestia and remarked. “Sister, a thought occurs to me. While it is unequivocally true, as stated in the Ponyville Free Press, that I am Ponyville’s princess, it is also true that I am not a full-time resident.”

“I think I understand. Maybe it would be best if the princess who is a full-time resident and is familiar to the filly in question, were to step in and handle the matter. Wouldn’t you say so, Princess Moonlight Dancing On Water?”

“What? Who? Me?”

“I know you can handle it, Curry,” Celestia stepped forward and enveloped Curry in a warm wing hug while she whispered a few words of assurance into her ears before stepping back.

Apple Bloom shoved Curry slightly to the side as she stepped up beside her. “She’ll be happy to help.”

“And us Royal Guards in training will be happy to accompany her,” Scootaloo chimed in as she nudged Sweetie Belle forward to join Apple Bloom and Curry.

Curry didn’t really mind being given the task. In fact, she’d been fighting the urge to dash out onto the field and get into the excitement. The words Princess Celestia had whispered into her ear only made her more eager. But as a kid, she had a duty to act put-upon when given an unexpected job by an adult. Still, no pony was fooled by her long sigh and slumped shoulders as stepped out of the crowd toward Babs. She had only taken a few steps however, when she turned and asked, “You want to come, Silver Spoon?”