Twilight Sparkle had never been one to attend marathons, much less many other sporty activities. Of course, Twilight did attend physical education during her school years, as it was mandatory. Though, if it wasn't for her perfect record, or the education that came with the class, she would've been glad to skip the class anytime if it meant benefiting her other more important studies. Being the proud, shameless bookworm that the alicorn is known to be, the only marathons Twilight had bothered to overcome were reading marathons.
However, these claims were quickly being put to shame as the disheveled princess paced circles around her bedroom. One hundred. Two hundred. Maybe even three hundred laps, Twilight trotted restlessly around the once well-kept space. The pony panted out her spent breaths, her voice hoarse and exhausted. Her eyes twitched in tandem with every fourth lungful of air, yet never blinking. Her pupils not focused on anything in particular, unable to take in any new information with her brain already bursting. Twilight's head was so full that her legs moved on auto-throttle and her lungs still had yet to rest their exercises.
All the while the alicorn paced around the room, surpassing her 350th lap, Spike watched with anticipated boredom. Leaning against the door to prevent her leave, Spike sighed while shaking his legs to prevent them from falling asleep. Mentally admitting that the pony was likely never going to stop, the dragon finally spoke up.
"Twilight!" Spike shouted, breaking the alicorn out of her trance. "Are you okay?!"
For the first time in what felt like hours, Twilight blinked. Twilight blinked and gasped and breathed and focused and paused. Finally, she focused her eyes on the drake before her, blinking many times to rid the red in her eyes.
"Am I okay?!" Twilight repeated, taking a deep breath before continuing. "Oh! I don't know, Spike! Am I okay?! How about you write a letter to Princess Celestia and ask her yourself!"
Spike tried to step backward, only to be reminded he was stopped by the door. "Twilight, I've already told you." Spike held his claws out to his side in defense. "It's okay. Celestia isn't gonna be mad at you."
The red in the pony's eyes were replaced with tears, building up in her sockets as she sighed in frustration towards the ceiling. "She's not gonna be upset with me after I stormed off upstairs instead of dealing with my problems at hoof?!" Twilight exclaimed. "It was already humiliating enough after I..."
"You lost control of yourself and peed on the floor." Spike finished for her.
"No thanks to you." Twilight retorted. "You know how I get when I'm around Celestia!"
"And you know how I get when I'm around Rarity!"
Twilight sharpened her eyebrows and stopped for a moment to think, her slight hyperventilation still audible in the silence. "Was... was having Princess Celestia come here an act of revenge against me, Spike?"
"No! Of course not!" Spike sputtered. "I wrote to Celestia because of what a great time we were having and thought she'd enjoy the company of joining in!"
Twilight huffed and turned away from the dragon, clearly still frustrated. "But... you should have told me beforehoof."
Now it was Spike's turn to huff at Twilight. "You wanna know why I didn't tell you, Twilight?" Spike questioned, making the pony turn her head back to him. "I didn't tell you because I also know how Celestia gets when she's around you."
After a moment, Twilight shifted her hooves to face the drake. With her attention, Spike continued, "I didn't tell you because I knew that Celestia would never get upset at you just for having a good time. It's Hearth's Warming Eve, for Celestia's sake!"
Spike began walking closer to the pony that raised him, looking to the floor in uncertainty. "Look, I'm sorry for having Celestia come here without warning. It was a rash decision that I thought was a great idea at the time." Spike apologized, laying a claw on Twilight's shoulder. "I just wanted to surprise you with a good time. You seemed pretty uncomfortable from the game and I thought seeing another friendly face would cheer you up."
With hearing Spike apologize, Twilight's breathing finally eased back to normal. "I'm sorry too, Spike. I suppose I kind of overreacted when I saw Celestia at the door... again." Twilight giggled, bringing Spike under her neck in a warm hug. The moments that passed by were moments that the two savored, embracing each other's warmth to fight the cold of the night.
Spike was first to break away from their connection, walking towards the door to reach for its handle. "Alright, Twilight. Before we go join the others, I think we may wanna get you cleaned up." Spike suggested, gesturing to the pony's frazzled mane, uneven coat and baggy eyes.
Following the dragon's gaze, Twilight sighed in disgust. "Ugh. I think you're right." Spike then opened the door and began to walk in the direction of the washroom when Twilight stopped him. "Spike! Wait!"
"Huh?" Spike halted, leaning inside the room's entrance. "Yeah, Twilight?" Twilight had opened her mouth to speak but soon closed it to think about her words carefully. "Did you need something?"
Clearing her throat, Twilight said, "I just wanted to thank you, Spike. I'm sure that this night has been pretty awkward for you too." The alicorn locked eyes with the drake. "But you've been handling it like a champ. I know that on every Hearth's Warming, or any other given holiday, there's a sudden conflict that the girls and I usually have to deal with and you're either pushed to the side or happen to not be there. In such cases, we may be seen as heroes and you may be seen as the sidekick..."
"What are you trying to say?" Spike interjected, concern written on his face.
"...I'm trying to say that, tonight, you've been my hero." Admitted Twilight, smiling gently. "I feel like, now that I've had some alone time, I've been trying too hard to make everypony have a good time that I've been sacrificing my own ability to relax. I feel like I owe you an apology because you seem to be handling it fairly well."
"Definitely wouldn't be the first time you've freaked out over something like this!" Spike humoured, earning a chuckle from Twilight. "Anyways, apology accepted. Now, let's get you cleaned up. I'm sure the others think you had a heart attack or something."
----------------------------------------------
Silently flapping his tiny wings, Spike came flying down the stairs that led to the main foyer of the castle. Following in his enthusiastic movements was Twilight Sparkle, trotting down the steps and alerting the others of their presence. The first to discover their return was Pinkie Pie, of course.
"Hey, girls! Twilight's back!" Announced the pink pony.
"Are you alright, Twilight?" Added Fluttershy.
"We thought you had a heart attack!" Shouted Rainbow Dash.
Twilight blushed timidly to her friends' concerns, finding her reflection from the crystal floor very enthralling the closer she got to the group. "Yeah... I-I'm sorry about my unexpected outburst. It wasn't right of me to just get up and leave like that, especially as your hostess." Twilight spoke, noticing the knowing, sharp glance the Spike was giving her.
"Don't you fret, Twi." Applejack comforted. "Y'all had every right to be stressed, or embarrassed, uh-or whatever it was that y'all were feelin'."
At last, Rarity trotted towards Twilight while lending a helping hoof to her shoulder. "Indeed, Twilight, darling. You should not feel that what happened earlier was your fault. You couldn't have seen it coming." Rarity finished, receiving a warm hug from the bookworm currently returning an equally focused stare towards a blushing Spike. "Speaking of which...!" Rarity's pause was Twilight's queue to turn her head back, revealing Princess Celestia to her eyes, the alicorn ruler trotting out of the kitchen.
"Hello, Twilight." Celestia loudly greeted while a warm expression blanketed her face. "I couldn't help but notice the rather sizable hoard of food and snacks in your pantry!" As the princess covered her mouth with a hoof to suppress a giggle, Twilight blushed, seeming to increase the very temperature in the room with the heat of her face. Celestia's laughter quickly faded, realizing that she had made a mistake letting her pupil become uncomfortable yet again. "My apologies, Twilight. That was insensitive of me."
"N-no! It's alright, princess!" Twilight stuttered.
Celestia was quick to shush her, bringing her hoof to her own chest. "It was unfair of me to assume that you had been notified that I had been on my way here. It was also normal of you to be stressed to prepare for an unexpected guest such as myself, especially during your collective engagement with this exciting game of yours.”
“You’re not upset with me?” Twilight cautioned, taking a deep breath. “E-even with all the panic I’ve had?”
“Of course not.” Celestia eased. “All of that panic and distress is happening...” The princess directed her hoof to Twilight’s forehead, “in here. I would never be upset at you for responding to a situation naturally.”
Twilight looked down sheepishly, giggling at her overreaction. “Thank you, princess.” Taking a few moments to hug each other, reconciling their mutual understanding. Once Twilight had reestablished her common ground with Celestia, she then brought her attention to her friends. “So, umm. D-did you clean th-“
“Yup!” Answered Pinkie.
"...Was it-“
“Yup!”
"Did it-"
"Yup!"
"...We're talking about the sa-"
"Yup!"
"Come on, Twilight! We've been waiting so long it feels like it's already next Hearth's Warming!" Rainbow complained. Pinkie Pie, Spike and the enthusiastic pegasus immediately made their way to their previous seats, desperate to continue where they left off.
"Princess?" Twilight called, taking the one last precautionary measure necessary before resuming their game. The sun goddess turned her attention from the friends to the alicorn of the group. "Allow me to finally ask you. Would you like to join us tonight?"
Grinning from cheek to cheek, Celestia's sparkling teeth were enough of an answer for the group. "Of course, Twilight. I'd love nothing more than to join you tonight!" The seven friends cheered aloud to their new addition for the night as they all trotted to their makeshift circle.
"While you were gone, I gathered an extra pillow, blanket and cup of cocoa for you." Rarity explained to Celestia, pointing to the newly acquired goods that lie on the floor next to the others'. "I found it may be thoughtful to have you sit beside Twilight. Is that alright?"
Both alicorns gave each other knowing glances, grinning all the while. "Sure! Of course that's fine!" Twilight answered awkwardly. At last, everypony and dragon found their spot on the crystalline floor, planting their respective tushes onto the purple pillows next to the massive tree that stood tall in the foyer. With Celestia now in between Twilight and Spike, the group picked up their individual decks they had left off with while Twilight dealt a deck of cards to the princess beside her.
"Okie dokie lokie, princess! Let me be the first to ask you." Pinkie began. "Do you know how to play?"
Celestia, once given her cards by Twilight, took a few moments to look at her deck. In seconds, the princess' expression evolved, her eyebrows raising and grin climbing up to her ears. "Thank you, Pinkie, but I think that I will be able to learn as we go."
As Celestia giggled giddily to herself, Pinkie drew the first black card of the round, as usual. "All right, ladies, gent and princesses, let's begin with the first question! What killed my boner?" The group kicked off with a few good laughs from the absurdity of the black card while already skimming through their decks looking for the win. After given some time, Celestia was last to give her submission to Pinkie, smiling knowingly while she levitated the paper laminate. "What killed my boner? Fake testicles!"
"I guess that'll do it!" Applejack commented as the friends laughed hysterically at the first submission.
"What killed my boner? You!" Pinkie continued, her giggles extending. "What killed my boner? Ass to mouth!" Everyone's ears were met with a mixture of laughs and disgust once Pinkie finished the card.
"Eugh!" Rarity sounded. "That is... disgusting."
"What do you mean, Rares? I thought you loved to keep it interesting." Rainbow teased. The unicorn retaliated with the fling of a chocolate chip into Rainbow's mane using her magic.
"What killed my boner? Mommy going away forever." Pinkie resumed, clearly not as enthused as before.
"I'm not sure whether to be sympathetic or grossed out." Applejack wondered aloud.
"What killed my boner?" Pinkie advanced, pausing for a moment to read the card before her. "Lathering my cock in a marinade, covering it with a condom, waiting four hours, then grilling it well done?"
The group was at a loss for words, unable to respond to whatever they just heard until Rainbow broke the silence. "What the fuck?"
"Yeah, that's what I was thinking." Added Spike.
"No idea how that one got in there but it looks like it's going in the trash!" Said Pinkie. "What killed my boner? An ancient magical artifact used to persuade ponies into becoming asexual!"
"Well, that makes sense, I guess." Commented Twilight.
"Sounds like another one of your Darin' Do fanfictions." Applejack mentioned to Rainbow and Twilight.
"You should ask Quibble. He'll give you some real content." Defended Rainbow, rolling her eyes.
"That's a funny name! Quibble!" Pinkie snorted. "What killed my boner? Friction!"
"I would think it's the other way around." Mumbled Spike as the others laughed.
"I don't think I could see it but it is definitely funny!" Celestia remarked. "So, now we choose which one wins?"
"That's my job!" Answered Pinkie, taking a few moments to think it over. "Who had the fake testicles?" Barely able to be noticed, Fluttershy slowly raised her hoof to answer. "Wow, Fluttershy! I didn't know you had fake testes!"
"Oh boy..." Fluttershy muttered, taking the point. "Okay, Rainbow. Go ahead."
"Already on top of it." Rainbow stated, having picked up a black card. "Blank and blank: A love story! Awesome! Another two-part!"
"I'm assuming you already know what's going on, princess?" Twilight asked Celestia, getting a nod for approval. The aforementioned princess was quick to submit her answer, giggling adorably. In another few moments, the answers had been submitted.
"The pirate's life and Discord: A love story." Rainbow began. "Huh. I didn't know you were a pirate, Fluttershy." Next to the pegasus, Fluttershy's face flushed red. "Hipsters and snails with legs: A love story." The group's reaction to the sentence was mostly silent, with the exception of the sipping of cocoa.
"That's something I never hoped to imagine." Rarity sighed.
"Wouldn't be the first thing." Spike added.
"Excessively fluffy kittens that are ugly as sin and 10 000 shrieking teenage fillies: A love story." Rainbow continued. "My ears are hurting just thinking about it."
"Guilty as charged." Rarity admitted, sparking laughter among the group.
"A fat foal who's born telling everypony to fuck off and a giant spider that can tap dance only on Tuesdays: A love story." Rainbow took a moment to claim a deep breath after her reading. "What a mouthful!"
"And what a strange assortment of themes." Celestia added.
"I think I could see the tap dancing spider." Fluttershy said. "I'd give it a little hat and a cane too!"
"Extra-terrestrial hermaphrodites and nerds that literally live in libraries: A love story!" The pegasus began clutching her stomach in laughter, unprepared for the bizarre cards.
"What in Equestria?!" Applejack exclaimed. As the friends laughed, Twilight rolled her eyes especially hard as she couldn't help but feel that the card was directed toward herself.
"Do you even know what a hermaphrodite is?" Twilight directed towards her multicoloured friend.
"Twilight, ever since I became a teacher, I've been exposed to all sorts of crazy and, not to mention, useless information!" Rainbow Dash riposted against Twilight, making the alicorn huff in disapproval. "The questionable sanity of the crystal ponies' Crystal Empire and a literal shitstorm: A love story."
The group collectively stopped for a moment to think on the most recent submission, no one really knowing what to say.
"I've discussed this issue many a time with Princess Cadence but the way the game is phrasing it is making me rethink old memories." Celestia commented, breaking the silence.
"I just assumed Cadence liked livin' on the edge!" Rainbow exclaimed. "Finally, Cozy Glow and anti-vaccine families: A love story!" The pegasus was first to burst out in laughter from the final answer with her friends joining very soon after.
"I've never thought of it but it looks like the game's got the situation right!" Applejack laughed. "That filly wasn't right in the head."
"As much as I wanna buck her in the face, I liked the 'hermaphrodites' more!" Rainbow finished, holding up the black card with a hoof. "Who's the extra-terrestrial weirdo?" Across from the pegasus, the princess herself regally raised her hoof. "Princess Celestia?! That was you?"
Already having snatched the point from Rainbow with her magic, Celestia grinned and said, "whether I am the winner or the extra-terrestrial weirdo, I will leave you do decide." Placing the first of her hoard down beside her stack of whites, Celestia then levitated another black over to Fluttershy, already catching onto the game's rules.
"Thank you, Princess." Fluttershy accepted the card. "First date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: blank. Oh dear." Finishing her introduction, the pegasus listened patiently to her friends' giggles and card shuffling as she awaited the inevitable. Once all submission were in, Fluttershy continued, "first date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: exactly what you'd expect!" For one of the few times of the night, Fluttershy actually had difficulty containing her laughter from her gut as she erupted, snorting awkwardly in response.
"That has got to be one of the best card combinations I've seen!" Pinkie giggled loudly.
"Based on that reaction, I think I'm gonna just sit out this round! That was awesome!" Rainbow added.
Fluttershy agreed before putting the first submission down and moving to the second. "First date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: puppies!" The pegasus was equally enthused by the second card as she was the first. "There... may be a clear bias affecting my decision." The group playfully rolled their eyes at Fluttershy's expected attraction to the card. "First date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: Applejack's wardrobe."
"I don't even know what that's supposed to mean." Applejack said quickly before anyone could quip a response.
"First date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: boring oral sex using only your breath." Fluttershy shrugged while looking directly at Pinkie Pie, expecting some witty remark.
"Whaddya lookin' at me for?!" Pinkie worried.
Shaking her head in saying that it was nothing, Fluttershy resumed. "First date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: waking up back inside of the womb?" Fluttershy held the card in her hoof as far away from her face as possible, trying to escape the disturbing thought. "Eugh."
"Y'know..." Pinkie began. "I once had a dream that I lived inside a cupcake!"
Rainbow sighed impatiently. "Ah, shit. Here we go again."
"It probably wasn't normal-sized cupcake because the inside of it was big enough to be house! Or maybe I was really small. The floor was so comfortable and spongy too! And everywhere I went smelt like red velvet! Or was it chocolate? Red velvet-chocolate? Velvecolate?"
"M'kay, Pinkie Pie! That's good, sugarcube." Applejack called to the pink pony, gesturing to Fluttershy to continue.
"First date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: fake orgasms." The pegasus resumed, her face reddening again.
"Too real." Rainbow chuckled, the friends nodding and shrugging in either agreement or uncertainty.
"Finally," Fluttershy started, "first date: dinner. Second date: kiss. Third date: Jazz." The last submission had little to no effect on the group.
"All right. Now that that's over, which one won, Fluttershy?" Rainbow blurted. After a moment of thinking, the butter-coloured pegasus made her decision.
"I'll go with the first one."
Rainbow leaped up into the air in celebration of her victory.
"Dammit..." Applejack mumbled. "Thought I had ya with the puppies." While Rainbow obtained her newly earned point and the friends reloaded their decks of whites, Applejack prepared for her own turn. "We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to blank." Once Applejack had everyone's cards in, she paused to say, "y'all don't quote anything I say, ya hear?"
"No promises!" Pinkie replied.
"It does seem like something you would say!" Rainbow added.
Sighing in defeat, the farm pony began her turn. "We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to forty-five minutes of full-hoof pistoning!" To no surprise, the group was met with mixed reactions to the first submission.
"Oh my-!" Rarity gagged.
"I stand corrected." Rainbow stated. Quickly, Applejack moved on from the card, eager to escape from the thought.
"We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to wearing pants."
"That's more tame." Fluttershy commented obviously.
"A good enough ensemble can be magic to one's eye!" Rarity sang. "Though, pants are a tough one to execute."
"We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to all the ponies I've killed." Applejack halted a breath.
"So that's the secret recipe to your family's success!" Pinkie beamed as her friend huffed at the allegation.
"Yeah, right." The farm pony moved onto the next answer. "We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to enormous female yaks." The card earned a good bit of laughter from the group.
"I don't think that I would be willing to challenge a yak at anything without delivering my last will and testaments." Rarity shuddered.
"You should see Yona in Phys Ed class!" Rainbow added. "After we got the floors waxed, she slipped and leveled one of the buckball baskets and she only got so much as a nose bleed!"
Twilight raised her brow in suspicion. "That was Yona?! But you said that a chitinous black creature with a second mouth and no eyes had appeared through a portal, broke the basket, started breakdancing and then dissolved into cherry-flavoured melted ice cream!"
"...I may have watched Alien versus Pony the previous night."
"That's not the point!"
Ignoring their bickering, Applejack continue her task. "We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to poor ponies." Not receiving any praise or response from the group, the farm pony moved on. "We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to homework."
Rainbow Dash threw her forehooves in the air. "What's with these shit cards?!" Across from the pegasus, Princess Celestia laid her eyes on her, frowning slightly. "Uhh-I mean... What an unfortunate series of cards...!"
"Finally..." Applejack concluded. "We don't use magic in this country. Instead, we resort to natural selection. What in Equestria?"
"Let's not learn the context of that one." Twilight spoke.
Within seconds, Applejack made her decision on the winner as she found it rather easy with the lack of competition. "Who's got the enormous yaks?"
For the third time, Fluttershy answered with her hoof. "I did."
“Looks like Fluttershy is making quite the comeback!” Rarity stated, making the aforementioned friend blush.
Twilight dished out white cards to everyone’s decks while taking a black of her own to read for her turn. “What helps Princess Celestia unwind?!” Twilight exclaimed, questioning the game itself for cursing her to this embarrassing fate. The sight of her friends made her think that they would die from laughter in mere seconds as they howled to Twilight's predicament. Princess Celestia couldn't help but express her enthusiasm either, a hoof concealing her obvious grin.
"What an unfortunate coincidence!" The princess announced, easing Twilight's heart ever so slightly. The group did Twilight's patience a massive favour as they offered their submissions at lightning speed.
"Now we're gettin' somewhere!" Applejack hoof-pumped the air.
In her attempt to deal with her turn quickly, Twilight began reading off the submissions even as she interrupted her friends' commotion. "What helps Princess Celestia unwind? Sports." The alicorn let out a breath of relief at the more appropriate first answer.
"Do you play any sports, princess?" Rainbow characteristically asked.
The sun goddess thought on it for a moment, bringing her eyes up to the ceiling before answering. "I was once very fond of table tennis..."
With that new information now stored in Twilight's mental library of useless information, she continued. "What helps Princess Celestia unwind? S-sucking each other's p-penises for hours on end?!" The group was back to laughing up a storm, sending echoes across the castle walls that only filled Twilight's head with more cacophony.
"Do you suppose you were once fond of that too, princess?!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed, wheezing for breath.
"Next card!" Twilight shouted. "What helps Princess Celestia unwind? The true meaning of Hearth's Warming."
Celestia was surprised by the unusual card, however, no less amused. "Who knew this game could speak such truth? Gathering in peaceful assembly with friends does help me unwind!"
"That sure means a lot, Princess!" Applejack replied. "But don't get too comfortable jus' yet." Gesturing towards Twilight, who retorted with a nod.
"What helps Princess Celestia unwind? Shoving my horn up my ass and somersaulting to tartarus!" Twilight exclaimed, sending her friends into another series of laughs.
"I bet I can do that!" Pinkie concocted. "Watch me!"
The pink pony then yanked an object out from her mane. The pink cone was revealed to be a silicone horn that was equipped with a string attached from its East and West ends of its base's diameter. Pinkie held the horn over her head while she brought the string over her chin, fastening it snugly onto her forehead. Finally, she used her forehooves to grab hold of her respective hind legs and before she could do the impossible-
"Oh my goodness! Pinkie, stop what you're doing right now!" Rarity cried, laying her own hooves on Pinkie's shoulder while she levitated the horn off of her friend's head. "You can compete with Rainbow Dash later."
"Aww!" Pinkie complained. "But how else will I use this horn that you let me borrow?"
Now in complete silence, the friends turned their attention to a very, very red-faced Rarity. Knowing no other way out of her current predicament, the unicorn broke the silence.
"W-what in Equestria do you mean, darling?! I've never seen that exotic... thing in my entire life! I know not of its oral-er-origin!" Rarity unconvincingly stammered.
Applejack could see clearly through her friend's bullshit like an owl in the night. Instead of boycotting the poor unicorn, she decided to give Rarity the benefit of the doubt. "Ya heard her, Pinkie. Rarity ain't never seen that thing in all her years. Y'all better put that horn away before ya take somepony's eye out."
Succumbing to her peers, Pinkie disposed of the 'foreign' object, shoving it back into her cranial void. Once everyone was finally back on common ground, Twilight continued with her reading.
"What helps Princess Celestia unwind? Crying and shitting and eating spaghetti!" The card earned some commotion from the group but nothing that sent anyone into laughter. Unsure of what to think of the card, the alicorn resumed. "What helps Princess Celestia unwind? Seeing my town burned down and my family slaughtered before my eyes?!"
"Can I say that these are shit cards now?" Rainbow huffed.
"I'll say." Spike added.
Sighing at the last card, Twilight finished. "Okay, last one. What helps Princess Celestia unwind? Being a motherfucking princess!" The finale of the alicorn's turn had left the group wheezing, contrasting the last couple cards before.
"Now that has got to be the best card in any situation!" Rainbow exclaimed.
"I suppose I cannot deny that statement!" Celestia laughed.
"I guess I've got to go with this one!" Twilight decided with ease.
Once more, Rainbow exploded with excitement, flying up and dancing in the air like a fish out of water. "Yeah! In your face, Applejack! How's it feel to get smacked with the princess card?" The pegasus began dancing obnoxiously above her friends in celebration of her lead against Applejack.
After a few moments, Twilight stepped in to interrupt. "Rainbow! It's Princess Celestia's turn now!" The alicorn explained, yanking Rainbow with her magic.
Patiently awaiting silence among the group, Celestia brought a black card to her face and cleared her throat. "If you could describe me, the Card Queen, using one of the cards in your possession, what would it be?"
Twilight was the first to respond, facehoofing so hard that, if it weren't for the constant adrenaline fueling her system, she surely would've felt the bruising. "Are you kidding me?! Is this game rigged?!"
"Oh, Twilight, Twilight, Twilight..." Pinkie shook her head, grabbing the alicorn's attention. "Sometimes you just have to understand that the forces of the universe just have to do as they please!"
"I'm a mare of science! I don't always believe in that stuff! You know how hard it was for you to try and convince me that you have a 'Pinkie Sense' that can spontaneously warn you of incoming threats and dangers before they even occur." Twilight reasoned. "Is your 'Pinkie Sense' telling you that I just have to let fate decide whether I flip a bit and it lands on horns or tails?"
"Unfortunately, my Pinkie Sense comes with a voice addition sold separately but yeah, that's pretty much it!" Pinkie shrugged. "Unless, you have to reverse the act of six powerful, dense stones being atomized by going back in time, retrieving them before a certain sack-chin had possession of them, and then returning to the present to bring half the population of the universe back from the dead! Otherwise, the laws of fate must be followed!"
The rest of the group was speechless, having absolutely no idea what in Equestria their pink friend was lost in her own head about. One pony glanced to another, another to a dragon, and a dragon to Princess Celestia, who decided to combat the growing silence.
"You certainly have a vast imagination, Pinkie Pie." The princess said, earning another oblivious ear-to-ear grin from the pony. "Shall we continue?"
"Oh, yeah. I almost forgot." Rainbow replied, having not submitted an answer yet. Once a few moments were given to the seven friends to offer their contribution, Celestia began.
"I don't believe I need to announce the prompt every time for this one so I will just say the answer." The princess explained, receiving several nods. "I can be described as: Old penises withering away in their sheathes."
"Yikes. What a start." Spike chuckled.
"I can be described as: An ugly face." Celestia read, growing less and less enthused with every card she read out. "I can be described as: The passage of time."
"Sure shows how we think of our princess." Applejack quipped.
"It is not!" Twilight shouted, clearly sweating.
"I can be described as: Repression." Celestia nearly mumbled.
"...Right?"
"I can be described as: Getting fly-by shot."
"Oh my..." Fluttershy squeaked.
"I can be described as: A thirty-two ounce zit."
Rarity coughed.
"I can be described as: Jizzing into Starswirl's beard."
"Huh." Rainbow responded. "That one actually wasn't that bad."
Tensions in the room arose when, for the first time that night, Princess Celestia didn't wear a particularly excited expression on her face. Instead, the construct of regality was replaced with concern.
"I... regret to be the bringer of bad news but..." Celestia began, being careful with her words.
Pinkie gasped in trademark horror, covering her mouth with her hooves and almost encouraging her eyes to pop out of her skull. "Did you hate our cards?!" Another gasp. "Do you hate us?!" Followed by another. "Are you going to banish us to become the bearers of the curse to the Soul Stone?!"
"What's up with her obsession with stones?" Spike whispered to Twilight.
"Maybe it's something she gets from Maud?" The alicorn whispered back.
"N-no! No! I just..." Celestia stammered. "Wasn't expecting such an unrelenting bunch of cards for a first turn, that's all. I would never dislike you because of words written on paper."
Pinkie's hopeless pout bloomed into a gigantic smile once Celestia announced that she didn't want to horrifically gut the pink pony. "Oh, thank you, princess! Though, you might wanna tell that to Prince Rutherford too. He sent me a letter all the way from Yakyakistan to invite me to their Snilldar Fest but I had to cancel because of our plans! I could feel their smashing all the way from the north..."
Rarity laid a hoof on Pinkie's shoulder to comfort the shivering pony. "I'm sure that if Prince Rutherford was upset by your absence, Yona would have explained how special the Hearth's Warming traditions are to you."
"Upset? Why would he be upset? He forwarded his understanding after I told him I couldn't attend! It was I who was stuffing my mouth full of three tubs of ice cream because I couldn't go!"
"Well, if you really want to, nopony's stoppin' ya from bashing priceless items with the yaks, sugarcube!" Applejack supported. "We'll save you some cocoa!"
"Nah. It's all good! It's probably already over, anyway. After all, I wasn't talking about smashing smashing!" Pinkie lidded her eyes towards her friends.
"Say what now?" Applejack gave her brow an exceptionally sharp flex to Pinkie's obtuse reveal while ignoring the silence that followed from the group.
"What can I say? The yaks take their traditions seriously! And they were so kind as to invite me, their first honourary pony, to the After Dark Snillar Fest Smashing Competition as well! Hee hee!"
The seven remained silent during Pinkie's explanation, completely unsure of what to think of her tale. As much of a veteran as she was, even Princess Celestia was unable to synthesize a response. Acting quickly, the princess controlled the situation before it could become more heated.
"I will give this turn's point to 'jizzing into Starswirl's beard." Celestia announced.
"Oh, thank goodness." Fluttershy sighed. She then immediately became red and tried to correct herself. "Uh... t-that was my card, princess."
"It's your turn, Spike." Twilight said as the appropriate cards were catered around the group.
Taking this as his queue, Spike equipped himself with a black card while everyone else quickly collected one more white. "I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see?" The card in play openly contrasted Spike's passive nature, raising the friends' voices.
"Wow, Spike! That was aggressive!" Rainbow exclaimed. "Got a stick up your butt or somethin'?"
The drake didn't bother entertaining the pegasus and, instead, told everyone to cough up their cards for him to read. Both Fluttershy and Princess Celestia took a particularly long time to offer their submissions, knowing all too well of what came after. Eventually, nature took its course and Spike received his ammunition.
"I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? Pork products?" Spike began. Meanwhile, Applejack discreetly coughed into her hoof. Failing to notice, Spike continued, "I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? Immortality spells?"
"Angry about immortality?!" Rainbow protested. "I think it'd be awesome if I was immortal!"
"Or dreadful." Quipped Rarity.
"I wouldn't be so sure, Rainbow." Twilight started, fixing her posture. "Immortality spells are nothing to joke about. Should they get into the wrong hooves, the consequences could be catastrophic." After he speed-lecture, it was then time for Celestia to discreetly stifle a cough.
"I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? A pyramid of severed horns?" The dragon resumed, offering his disapproval before flicking the card to the floor with a claw.
"Ouchie!" Pinkie flinched.
"What would that even feel like?" Fluttershy shuddered. "Getting your horn removed?" Unbeknownst to the rest of the group, it was Twilight's turn to repress a cough as she remembered a rather explicit conversation she had with Tempest Shadow.
"I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? A yak succubus?" Spike furrowed his brow. "What the heck is that?"
"Nothing!" Twilight cried, nearly making Spike lose his cards once again. "I-I mean... it's nothing you should get worked up over, Spike!"
"Real smooth there, princess." Applejack chuckled.
Rolling his eyes, Spike continued, "I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? Brunch?" The group actually let loose a couple giggles at the submission.
"How... anticlimactic." Celestia shrugged.
"I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? Two shitty kids and a garbage husband?" Spike sputtered with his words towards the end of his reading. "What the hell?!"
"Yikes." Rainbow added. "That had some bite to it."
"In the spirit of the game, it is pretty funny though." Spike admitted, letting a few giggles out of his system. "And lastly: I work my ass off for this family every day and when I come home, this is what I see? Savagely beating a mascot?" Once his friends' laughter had absconded from their bodies, Spike made his decision on the winner. "I'll go with 'two shitty kids and a garbage husband.'"
"I'll be taking that one." Twilight said confidently. "Alright, Rarity. You're up up."
Repeating the process for the finale of the round, Rarity took to the deck of blacks while the others looked to the whites. Both decks looked significantly smaller than they did when the friends began. "In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with blank."
Rainbow Dash seemed to literally light up the room after listening to Rarity's black card. "Yes! Another Daring Do card! I've got this one in the bag!"
"Oh, how the mighty fall..." Twilight muttered ominously as she offered a card. Rainbow failed to hear the alicorn's voice as she was more determined on current black card in play.
"You better do your best impression of a 'dramatic trailer' when you read these out, Rares!"
"Darling..." Rarity's confident, smug and predatory glare towards her pegasus friend could have cut light itself. "My legal name is drama!" Swiftly, the group offered her their submissions, a combination of fear and enthusiasm fueling their hearts. Flipping her mane, Rarity stood up on all fours with her forehooves bent towards the others and her rump exposed, as if in a battle-ready position. "In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing while getting spit-roasted by an orthros!"
The group immediately imploded with laughter. The unicorn's performance left Rainbow, Applejack, Pinkie and Spike rolling East and West, finding no land to catch their breath as they drowned. The remaining winged individuals tried to keep their composure but ultimately shattered, throwing their heads back and up to the ceiling, laughing out loud.
"Okay, okay. I'll give you that one." Rainbow admitted. "That was hilarious!"
"Your acting skills are definitely many moons above mine!" Celestia mentioned. Rarity gave her thanks and bowed respectively.
"Why, thank you, princess." Rotating her attention to the next submission, she got back into character, "in her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with a bass drop so huge it shatters the princesses' connection with the sun and moon and plunges the world into darkness!"
More laughter followed Rarity's delivery of the card while Twilight pondered aloud, "there has got to be a story behind that one."
"I'm certain that DJ PON-3 has something up her sleeve." Rarity responded. "In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with having a strong opinion about friendship!"
Much fewer laughs were born from this card.
"That one wasn't too good." Rainbow stated.
"Well, that's a strong opinion!" Pinkie replied, earning some giggles.
"In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with Princess Flurry Heart at fourteen!" Rarity continued, just barely holding her laughs.
"Woah! Ain't that somethin' to think about?" Applejack suggested, becoming lost in her own thoughts.
"Yeah! Imagine all the hormones comin' from the daughter of Shining Armor! She'd be cooped up for years!" Rainbow exclaimed, receiving sounds of agreement from her friends.
Twilight, however, did not join in with them. "I can understand that Shining can be super overprotective", the alicorn admitted, earning more nods, "but I'm thinking about where the rest of us will be when Flurry is that age. We'll be coming up on forty by then!"
Pinkie gasped, "oh! That is interesting! I hope I don't look like Granny Smith!" The party pony giggled as Applejack threw a half of a muffin at her, the treat landing on her eye.
"I don't have anything to worry about!" Rainbow claimed, slouching back. "I'll be in my prime even 'till the day I die!"
Ignoring Rainbow's optimism, Rarity subtly panicked. "Oh, Twilight! Don't make me even think about that! Imagine the face lifts... the botox... the sheer mounds of bits!"
"Quit your worryin', Rarity." Applejack demanded. "If anything's gonna change at all in 'bout fourteen years, it's gonna be the amount of cats y'all will have. Heck, I can see you mirrorin' Goldie Delicious perfectly!"
Rainbow Dash shrugged as if in disagreement with the farm pony. "Huh. I always saw Fluttershy being the 'cat lady'. But, y'know, with more birds, reptiles, bears, giraffes and tigers..."
Fluttershy giggled adorably, "I don't even know how I'll handle so many animals when I'm older."
"Well, maybe you can get a helping claw!" Spike said, triumphantly pointing at himself. "But, only if there's gems involved!"
Twilight giggled at Spike's joke and then looked to Celestia timidly. "So, princess, how old will you be once Flurry Heart reaches her teenage years, if you don't mind me asking?"
The co-ruler of Equestria returned her attention with a smile. "You would like me to answer that, wouldn't you?" Princess Celestia replied wittingly, causing everyone to laugh.
Twilight, however, was confused by her teacher's response as she remained somewhat silent in her friends' laughter. The Princess of Friendship had a feeling like she had just been waved at by a stranger, only to realize that the stranger was waving at somepony behind her and had to act like the encounter never happened.
Shaking it off as nothing, Twilight moved her attention to her unicorn friend. "Alright! Next card, Rarity?"
Nodding in understand, the fashionista cleared her throat and read. "In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with a phoenix with freckles and buck teeth!"
A few laughs were earned from the card but they were mostly from Rarity's performance and not the answer itself.
Giggling slightly, Celestia blinked in confusion. "Is... is that supposed to be Philomena?"
"...Maybe?" Fluttershy spoke up. "But I don't think Philomena has freckles or buck teeth."
"Moving on!" Rarity exclaimed. "In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with self-loathing!"
"What?!" Rainbow objected, dropping crumbs of banana bread from her maw while the others laughed. "Daring Do doesn't loath herself!"
"Are you sure you didn't get 'loath' mixed up with 'loaf'?!" Pinkie teased, sending Applejack and Spike to the floor.
Rainbow sputtered, looking to the plated sliced of banana bread in her hoof. "Oh, hardy har har. Very funny, Pinkie."
"Finally, for the last card of the round!" Rarity announced, getting in her position once again. "In her very first feature film, Daring Do fights off exotic creatures while dealing with flesh-eating bacteria!"
"Oh no! Zombies!" Pinkie screamed, dropping all her cards in a panic. "Run for the rations!"
The friends laughed once more at Pinkie's aimless nature while Rainbow reloaded her voice when she swallowed a mouthful of bread and cleared her throat. "You call them rations but there's at least enough food there feed all of Canterlot two times over!"
Twilight rolled her eyes shamelessly while her friends laughed at her teasing once again. "Don't tempt me, Rainbow. I know a spell that will make you allergic to carbs."
"Ooh! I'm so scared! What will I ever do?!" Rainbow cried dramatically, dragging her hooves down her face. "You're gonna have to do better than that, Twi."
Twilight then fixed her posture confidently as she stared Rainbow down like a Appleloosan stand-off. "You better not come crying back to me once you realize that eating your beloved pasta and potato sandwich on sourdough of your childhood will feel like pulling out a tampon inflated with the amount of hot air in your head out of your large intestine..."
Everyone in the room, with the exception of Twilight and Rainbow, rocked the castle with enough force to awaken a dying star as they laughed. Nearly, only nearly, did Princess Celestia fall to the floor to try to regain composure. Rainbow, on the other hoof, was sitting with her mouth agape like she had just seen a ghost.
No. Two ghosts.
Scissoring.
Scissoring their fucking brains out.
"Holy shit, Twilight!" Pinkie shouted, breaking the tightrope of tension between the alicorn and pegasus. "Where did that come from?!"
Twilight was almost as stunned as Rainbow, not really knowing what to say to the party pony. "Uhh... was that too much?"
The friends looked to each other, as if communicating with their minds. Applejack decided to deliver an answer to the princess when she said, "just a tad bit outta 'yer league, sugarcube, don'tcha think?"
"Oh! Oh, I'm sorry! I-I guess that I was just trying to get into the spirit of the game?"
"And I guess we just were not expecting that from you, darling!" Rarity explained. "Definitely not expecting that from a princess, much less!"
"...Or an egghead." Rainbow mumbled, finally coming out from her conscious slumber.
"Rainbow..." Twilight exasperated.
"...I gotta say, Twilight," Rainbow admitted, holding her hooves up surrendering, "that... was pretty damn savage!"
Twilight felt a little more at ease due to Rainbow's sportsponyship. "I'm sorry, Rainbow. That was way too-"
"Hey." Rainbow interrupted, leaning back onto her elbows. "C'mon. I'm a Wonderbolt. Believe it or not, I can take a beating." The two laughed, sharing the intimate moment with just each other and resurrecting common ground. "So... where in tartarus did you find that out about me?"
"Find out what?" Twilight asked, obviously knowing the answer to the question. "Oh! The sandwich?"
"Yes, the sandwich!"
"Uhh..." Twilight thought, another smirk spreading across her face. "I... can't seem to remember. Remind me again what the sandwich is called, Rainbow? Maybe it'll come to me."
Rainbow groaned in frustration. "You already know what it's called, you liar!"
"I want to hear you say it!" Twilight sang.
Throwing her head back, Rainbow finally succumbed to the evil mastermind. "Ugh, fine. How did you know about the pasta and potato sandwich on sourdough?"
"As gross as it may sound, I actually wanna make it sometime!" Pinkie enthused, licking her lips.
Twilight brought a hoof to her chin as she thought. "So, you know that watchtower I had built so I could watch over the school in case something bad happened?"
"You mean spy on everypony to invade their privacy?" Spike quipped. "You even said it yourself that you 'had seen something between Gallus and Silverstream' and wanted to keep-"
"SPIKE!" Twilight cried everyone else giggled. Turning back to Rainbow, she continued, "I had been overseeing the school one day when I had began watching over Rainbow's physical education class. Basically, the students were talking about food and then Rainbow explained what her favourite dish had been growing up. I had then also learned that dragons don't just sneeze flames."
"If you can make me allergic to carbs, can't you make me fireproof as well?" Rainbow questioned. "Smolder nearly singed my perfect colours!"
"I'm sure that can be arranged," answered Twilight. "So, Rarity. Which card wins?"
Lighting up at the reminder, Rarity began scavenging the cards in play once again, reading them in her head. "Without delving too deep into Rainbow's friend's," she cleared her throat, "fan fiction, I can definitely see Daring Do getting spit-roasted by an orthros!"
"I will humbly take that, thank you very much." Twilight said with poise.
"Oh come on!" A certain pegasus cried out.
"We're in the endgame now!" Pinkie cheered.