//------------------------------//
// Chapter 50 - Are You Being Served? 
// Story: Off The Mark 
// by Goldfur 
//------------------------------//

I was in a lousy mood as I headed for the main exit of the throne room.  Just before I left, I saw somepony that gave me an idea.  “Sterling Shield. You will be responsible for bringing the prisoner.”

To his credit, he didn’t show any surprise to his change of orders beyond a couple of blinks.  He yelled out in best military style, “Yes, Your Highness!”

Not to my credit, I did flinch a bit.  Might be a while before I got used to my new title.  I called over my shoulder.  “Sergeant Penumbra.  Arrange for somepony to find out if Gusty Wind and Hardy Wings are on duty. Also, if there is a sky carriage available that can seat four.”

“Yes, Your Highness!” she barked, not a trace of sarcasm in her voice.  That was another reason I valued her – 100% professional and uncompromising when it came to her official duties.

I didn’t think there was anything else I needed, and I didn’t care to ask if Starlight thought she was ready or not. The sooner we got this over with, the better.  Behind me, I heard several sets of hoofsteps and assumed this was Sergeant Shield and other guards leading the prisoner, though I didn’t bother to check.

By the time we arrived at the skyport, Trixie’s two personal chariot pegasi were already hitched to a moderately-sized carriage.  I noted how this design was different than the ones I had seen previously.  Golden armor resembling small scales covered the bottom and sides.  Over the open canopy, I could detect at least three hemispherical shields in place by the slight changes in their hue.  Another set of the same shields covered a large space around the two pegasi. The royal carriage was identified as a weak point during the security brainstorming sessions, and this was my first chance to see the latest upgrades.  I made a mental note to find out the specifics later. 

I nodded to the two pegasi then did the same to a unicorn guardspony who used her magic to open the carriage door. The fields over the carriage winked out and I entered, taking a rear bench seat as I preferred to see where we were going.  I was followed by Penumbra who sat next to me, then Starlight and Sterling who sat on the opposite bench.  As the door closed, the protective shields reappeared and a squad of pegasi passed overhead to take the lead.  Soon, we were soaring over the Canterlot skyline then angling slightly downwards on our way to Ponyville.  

After a few minutes of silence, Starlight spoke up.  “So… since we’ll be working together on this, would you tell me if you have been called on one of these missions before?”

“Once,” I replied.  “It was to Our Town.”

Her eyes went wide, and then she looked down at the floorboards.  The rest of the trip was spent in silence.





After we were ground-bound again, Starlight and Sterling Shield exited the carriage first.  Before I could follow, Penumbra stopped me with a wing. Ah, of course.  She had to inspect the area in front of Friendship Castle first. 

She moved next to me and stopped, staring me in the eyes.  “Friendship mission.”  

After she stepped outside, I mulled that over.  She might be right… OK, she almost certainly was right.  My continuing therapy sessions with Cadance made me strongly aware that I was not ‘just fine’.  Seeing the alternate timelines filled with death and misery had cemented my opinion of the prisoner and were doubtless coloring my current perceptions.  

I sat for a few seconds and took some deep breaths.  Clearing my head, I theorized why the Map Table had called on the two of us specifically to solve a friendship problem.  I didn’t like the most probable answer.  Starlight was going to become so important to Equestria’s future that the Forces of Harmony arranged a little adventure for us.  They were preventing my ruling on her fate until I could get over my bias against her.

I took a few more deep breaths.  I could at least try – try to treat her like any other pony.

When I left the carriage, nopony looked my way with a questioning look, wondering why I had taken so long.  Royal prerogative, I suppose.  Still, there was something I needed to do.

“Starlight.”  She turned to look at me.  “I’m sorry I’ve been a bit gruff this morning.”

The mare blinked with her mouth hanging open.  She said, “Apology accepted.”

I nodded and started walking towards the castle’s main entrance.  We found Spike waiting for us when we walked through the front doors.

“I’ve been expecting you, Mark.” The young dragon glanced at Starlight. “Although, I wasn’t sure about her. I thought I recognized the cutie mark but I couldn’t imagine the map teaming you two up.  Just when you think you’ve seen it all.”

“Yeah – not my first choice for my second Friendship Mission.  I gather you know where we have to go?” I asked as we headed for the map table room.

Spike smirked.  “Yeah.  You’re not going to like it.”

I sighed.  “I already didn’t.”

We entered the room and I stepped between two of the thrones to see where our cutie marks hovered over the map.  At this point, my cutie mark siren stopped flashing.  Finally!  Getting a good look at the ghostly image floating above the table, I growled and said, “Seriously?!”

Spike chuckled.  “Told ya.”

I’d seen the cutie map (still don’t like that name!) in action a few times and knew that there would be no ambiguity.  I glared at the magical image and my cutie mark and Starlight’s floating over our destination – Canterlot.

I closed my eyes, groaned, counted to ten, and then turned to Spike.

“Couldn’t you have sent a message to Twilight to let us know where to go?”

The drake shrugged.  “I did, but it’s not as if I sit around here all day waiting for the map to send somepony on a mission.  Judging by the time it took you to arrive after I noticed the map had activated, I reckon you were about halfway here already.”

It certainly wasn’t Spike’s job to watch the map all day, so I couldn’t argue about that.  “Okay, if nothing else, we can narrow down the search area a little.”

After being sent to locations like Manehattan with no clue where to start, it was Twilight who discovered that if you mentally focused on the objective, the map would zoom in, making it much easier to find where to start looking for the Friendship Problem.  I raised an eyebrow when the map settled on a particular location in the city.  I turned to Starlight and said, “I hope you’re hungry.”

The mare gave me a curious look. “What makes you say that?”

“Our destination appears to be Restaurant Row.”

“How odd.  Are you familiar with the area?”

“Not really.  I never go there.”

Starlight sniffed with apparent disgust. “I suppose if you have a gourmet chef at your call, you don’t need to go to any restaurants.”

“Actually, I’ve been to plenty, several of them with my wife.  We know a few places with house specialties that are always novel and appealing, and there are sometimes added attractions such as the theater restaurants which offer various forms of entertainment.”

The unicorn frowned.  “But you just said you don’t go to restaurants.”

“No, I said I don’t go to Restaurant Row.  That’s a section of town that’s full of high-class dining establishments that are focused on drawing their custom from the nobles and rich citizens.  Snobbery at its finest.  I prefer eating somewhere more warm and welcoming.  Any place that attracts a large clientele from the common pony, sometimes despite its high prices, is far more likely to give me a pleasant dining experience.  So far, both Trixie and I have had no cause for complaint… perhaps because we’ve been avoiding Restaurant Row.  And as a bonus, we get to dodge suck-ups spoiling our dinner.”

Starlight snorted in amusement. “You truly are anything but refined, Your Highness.”

“Born and bred a commoner, and proud of it,” I replied as I turned back to the map to have another look at our destination.  “But I suppose I’ll just have to grin and bear it this once.  Bucked if I know what could be happening in the high-end food industry that requires our attention.  Any ideas?”

“Don’t look at me – I always thought those establishments as classist.  Too much – ‘separate us from them’ and the antithesis of equality.”

“Looks like we’re both going to find out what it’s like.”  I looked at Starlight once more.  “So, like I asked before – are you feeling hungry?”

“Actually, I am.  I couldn’t bear to eat breakfast with my trial starting this morning.  My appetite has come back now though.”

“Well, I don’t know how much eating will be involved, but let’s find out.  Spike – could you let Twi and Trixie know what we’ll be doing?”

“Sure thing, Mark.”

“Thanks, pal.”  I headed for the door but caught Penumbra’s eye.  “Penny, any place you’d recommend?”

The bat-pony rolled her eyes. “You think that I could afford to dine anywhere on that street on my salary?  And would this be a good time to ask for a raise?  I’ve got a fillyfriend I want to take out to dinner or a show more often.”  She had taken my cue to be more informal, which I counted as a good thing.

“You already get paid fifty percent more than you did as a normal Royal Guard.  And you get extra perks too.”

“But I have to put up with you,” she said.

“That’s one of the perks,” I replied smugly.

“You are a majority of one, on that opinion.  And you already know your wife would agree with me.”  She stuck her tongue out and razzed me.

I noticed Starlight listening dubiously to our byplay and smiled to myself.  Someone who fervently believed that ponies like me considered ourselves above such things was constantly having her preconceptions challenged.

We walked back to the carriage for our journey back to Canterlot.  If nothing else, I was going to find out if snob food tasted any better than normal restaurant fare.





After the carriage lifted off, I made a command decision.  I pulled the classified Incident Report from my trial folder and handed it to Starlight. “Read this.”  As she hesitantly took it in her hooves, I said, “This is the trip report of everything Twilight and I experienced while chasing you through alternate timelines and parallel dimensions.  I would like your honest reaction to this.”  I flicked a glance at Sterling Shield and his eyes widened a bit.  He nodded almost imperceptibly.  Message received.

I said, “All of this material is not to be discussed except with properly cleared Equestrian personnel. Agreed?”

Starlight slowly nodded as she searched my eyes.  “My defense materials included—”

I interrupted her.  “… a redacted version that included only what was felt to be relevant for the trial.  This is the complete report.”  Well, maybe not one hundred percent complete.  For example, there was no mention of Phillip Martine coming from my home dimension, and nothing relating to my counseling session with Cadance.  But most everything was there.

I held up a forehoof.  “Now repeat after me and follow the motions. ‘Cross my heart…’ .”

After she had completed the oath, I warned her that the consequences of breaking the promise would be dire and motioned for her to go ahead.

Starlight read through the report at an impressive clip, both ears going into waggling fits a few times (still don’t know what that body language means).  When she was done, the pages were held limply in her hooves as she stared into space, processing the information.  She ran a shaky hoof through her mane.

After a minute, she looked straight at me.  “I’ll say this to Princess Twilight Sparkle as well.  I’m very sorry for what I put you through.”

I swallowed and sat back, my emotions running all over the place.  I didn’t trust myself to open my mouth.  After several seconds, I settled down a bit.  “Understood,” I said.

I waved my hoof for her to continue. Starlight said, “Ummm… Is there any way to know which realities are alternate timelines and which are completely independent dimensions?”

“Kind of.  If Twilight has something from that world that weighs as much as a small book, she can try to open a dimensional portal.  Her attempts with the plague-devastated and House Path worlds were successful.  When she tried with Nyx’s home dimension and the realm with the nightmare creature, it was like there was nothing on the other side.”

She shuddered.  “So the last dimension we visited…”

I nodded.  “We didn’t take anything with us from there, so there is nothing to form an anchor on the other side.  We even left the cupcakes and their boxes behind, although those likely came from the war dimension.  In short, while we suspect that it was an alternate timeline, there is no way to know for sure.”

The unicorn was silent for some time. After a couple of minutes, she sat up straighter and tapped the report with a hoof.  “How prepared is Equestria to face threats like these?”

“Currently?  Not very.  Twilight is leading research teams to develop countermeasures and some of the brightest and best military minds are coming up with tactical and strategic approaches when we identify a weakness.”

“Like the portals?”

I paused.  “What do you mean?”

“Twilight has made a number of portals and you already have others, correct?  How are you preventing an unfriendly entity from coming to Equestria through one of these?  Or an army, for that matter?”

I nodded my head.  “Twilight has been working on this problem herself.  I … can’t say what steps she’s taken so far because I just don’t know.”

Starlight drew imaginary lines in the air with her hooves.  “I recommend separating each of the portals, even if it is just with a forcefield. Have a few methods available to destroy the portal that can be triggered remotely, both by magic and purely physical means.  Set up a multi-chamber system that prevents any being from leaving without being cleared. If they force their way through, the portal is destroyed behind them.”

An airlock.  That was a good idea and had the advantage of being scalable to support multiple portals in the same room if clear shield spells were used.

Starlight might have taken my pause as me being judgmental or disapproving.  She said, “I just want to help.  Please.”

I cocked my head.  “Can I believe you?  How can I take you at your word?”

“I am telling the truth!”  In my peripheral vision, I saw Sterling Shield nod his head slightly.  “Look, you’ve already decided you can trust me with this.”  She waved the mission report.  “Test me. I want to start a new life.  Let me pay back Equestria by working for her.”

I frowned.  “Starlight, I just don’t know.  What if you run into another idea that catches your fancy?  You still strike me as the kind of pony that would be willing to kill to achieve your goals.”

She waved a hoof dramatically and said in a sarcastic tone, “Well, I guess we have that in common, don’t we?”

I stared out the side of the carriage. I had to look past Penumbra, who only had eyes for Starlight in the narrow confines of the interior.  After a while, I said, “You might be right.”





Starlight Glimmer snorted.  “So, this is Restaurant Row? Color me unimpressed.”

The carriage had touched down in a section obviously meant for parking such vehicles.  There were several other teams of pegasi with their chariots already present, though none of the others consisted of Royal Guards.  On our final approach, I saw slouches and hung heads spring to attention when they noticed us.  I wondered if these teams were just another ostentatious show of wealth by the hoity-toity because these ponies were bored out of their minds. The four of us had emerged to find ourselves at the top of a street filled with shopfronts of similar design and coloration.  None of them had any semblance of originality or distinctiveness.  They even all had the same sign hanging outside their front doors that bore three horseshoes.  I had to agree with Starlight’s assessment.





“Any idea what those signs mean?” I asked, looking at the two Guards.

Both Penny and Sterling shook their heads.

I noticed a diner emerging from one of the restaurants.  Recognizing the stallion as one of the minor nobles whom I’d met in Court, I approached him. “Good day to you, Argent Streak. May I have a word with you?”

“Prince Mark Wells!  What a pleasure to see you here, Your Highness. What can I do for you?”

“My companions and I are visiting Restaurant Row for the first time and I wouldn’t mind a brief overview of the dining experience here.  What would you recommend and why?  And what is the significance of those signs?” I asked, pointing to the nearest.





“I must say, sire, that I am surprised that you have never dined here before.  A pony of your standing would do well to patronize these establishments, each of impeccable quality.  Those signs are a guarantee that they have been three-hoof rated by the noted food critic, Zesty Gourmand.  Only those restaurants meeting her exacting standards gain the right to display that mark of excellence.”

“I see.  And you come here to dine regularly?”

“At least twice a week.  Anypony in our social echelons should be seen to frequent only the finest restaurants in Canterlot.”

Translation – if you wanted to be considered an important pony, you had to be seen in the most socially acceptable places on a regular basis.  I gave Argent a small smile.  “Thank you for the advice, My Lord Streak.”

“You’re most welcome, Your Highness.”

I turned back to my companions after he had walked off.  “What do you think of that?”

Starlight sniffed disdainfully. “Worse than I thought.  That stallion talked about how superior everything is without even mentioning what is so good about them.  And they all seem to rely on the opinions of a single pony to determine what is acceptable.  This is classic snobbery at its worst and it has all the hallmarks of one cult leader controlling all the restaurants in town.  Trust me – I would know.”

“Can’t say that my impressions are much better.  Okay, let’s find out what all the fuss is about.  I trust your contempt hasn’t dulled your appetite?”

Starlight’s stomach chose to gurgle just as she was about to reply.  I smirked as she rolled her eyes.  “'Nuff said. Let’s go in here just because it’s the nearest.”

I led the way into the restaurant. The Maitre D’ was there to greet me at the door and he smiled obsequiously in recognition.

“Your Highness!  Welcome to the Camellia Garden.  How many in your party?”

“Four,” I replied just as the two Guards followed us inside.

The stallion regarded the two with a faint sneer.  “I see. Would you and the lady prefer separate seating?”

I already didn’t like this place. “Surely you would not seek to compromise my personal safety by separating me from my guard detail?” After seeing his panicked look, I cut him off before he could spew out an apology.  “No, we’ll all dine together.”

The slightly more polite stallion led us to a table in a corner.  I did not fail to notice that the Maitre D’ seated me so that I could be seen prominently by anypony in the restaurant while Penny and Sterling were obscured by the décor… such as it was.  Unnecessary drapes covering sections of wall.  Uncomfortable couches instead of chairs.  Childish paintings of a single shape masquerading as artwork.  And everything slavishly adhering to a washed-out color palette.  We were given menus and I opened mine to peruse it.  I was shocked by how few choices there were, and there weren’t prices next to any of them.  I recalled the saying – if you have to ask the cost, you can’t afford it.  That wasn’t a problem for me but it raised the bar for my expectations astronomically.

…Or was it gastronomically?  … Probably both!

“Choose whatever you like – I’ll pay the tab,” I assured everypony.

“I don’t even know what I’d be ordering,” Penny said as she glared at the fancy script.  “What is… umm… peau de tofu avec festin d'aneth et de haricots?” she asked, struggling with the pronunciation.

I recognized maybe two words in that sentence.  “That’s French, I mean Prench for whatever meal they’re serving.  Whatever it is, it has tofu in it… I think.”

“What’s the point of writing menus in a language we don’t understand?”

“It makes nobles feel superior,” Starlight replied with a sneer.

“Let’s give it a chance.  We’re here to find out why the Cutie Map thinks there’s a Friendship Problem to solve, and right now we have next to nothing to go on.”

“I suppose,” Starlight conceded. She pointed to something with a lengthy description.  “I’ll have whatever this is.  At least there seems to be a lot of it.”

I chuckled.  “Sounds good.  I’ll try it too and we can compare our opinions.”

“I’ll stick to this tofu thing,” Penumbra decreed.  “At least I can pronounce that.”

Sterling, whom I knew didn’t eat much food due to being a changeling who fed on positive emotions, said, “I’m not very hungry.  This looks small, so I’ll try that.”

A waitress came just then and asked us what we wanted to drink.  “We have a selection of fine wines from Prance and Roam.  Shall I fetch the sommelier?”

“No alcohol,” I replied.  “The Guards are on duty and we’re on a mission. Do you have coffee?”

“This is a three-horseshoe rated restaurant, not a café,” the mare replied with a sniff.

“Just water all round then,” I said.

“Sparkling, still, or mineral?”

“Glass of!” Penumbra said snidely before I could reply.

“Still will do,” I said before the waitress could react.  “We’re ready to order our meals also.”

“I’ll take your orders after I bring your drinks,” the mare replied and left huffily.

“Why couldn’t she take them now?” Starlight asked irritably.

I rolled my eyes. “For some unknown reason, high-end restaurants make you wait.  I suspect wasting the diners’ time is part of the ambiance section of the horseshoe rating system.  Plus, we’re not the kind of customers she’s used to dealing with.”

Despite the relative lack of other diners, it took a ridiculous amount of time to get our glasses of water during which we had nothing better to do than look at the décor.  It was just as bland and uninspiring as the outside of the establishment.  When our drinks arrived, they were in fancy but small goblets which probably didn’t hold enough water to satisfy any of us, disguised changeling included.  I didn’t dare ask for more in case it took another several minutes before we could order the food.

The waitress had an ill-concealed sneer on her face as Starlight struggled with the pronunciation of the chosen dish, although I noticed she was far more respectful to me when I said that I’d have the same.  Even supercilious wait-staff know better than to aggravate a Prince of the Realm, apparently. It was back to form though when Penny ordered her “tofu thing”.  Something about Sterling’s expression when he ordered his menu item seemed to cause the mare to rein in her attitude though.

Then we waited.

And waited.

“This better be the best food I’ve ever tasted,” Starlight said with some exasperation.

I quietly agreed.  It wasn’t as if the restaurant was particularly busy at the moment.  I imagined that the nobles who frequented this restaurant must use the time to discuss things of importance to them if my observations of the other patrons were typical.

At last, the waitress came out with two covered dishes.  Placing them on the table, she lifted the lid on the one in front of me and proudly and flawlessly pronounced the name of the dish.  I blinked and stared.  I had no idea what I was looking at but several things stood out.  One – they were very pretty.  Two – I still had no idea what they were.  Three – they were very small.





I looked at the waitress.  “I didn’t realize we’d be getting appetizers first.  When is the main course coming?”

The mare looked faintly outraged. “Sir, those are the main course.”

“Are you bucking kidding me?” Starlight blurted out.

“I assure madam that this is our finest example of gourmet cooking as approved by Zesty Gourmand.  We take pride in serving only the most carefully crafted meals in this establishment.”

“Let’s see what mine looks like,” Penny demanded.

The waitress uncovered the second dish to reveal two more minuscule works of art.  “I trust that this meets madam’s expectations.”

Penny raised an eyebrow and looked the mare in the eyes.  “Do you think this is enough to keep up my energy while I’m on duty?”

“Madam did order the feast,” the waitress replied.

I said, “I take it the rest of the meals will be along shortly?”

She looked at me like I was from another world.  

I continued, “You’ve only brought out two of them, correct?”

After a pause, the mare laughed gaily. “Oh, Your Highness!  You are just too funny!”  She levitated four clean dinner plates to rest in front of us, then floated the two sets of two white porcelain boards up from the serving platters. “Of course your meals were all brought out at once!”  She proceeded to place one board onto each of our plates.  I had not noticed that there were actually two sets of three minuscule servings placed in front of me earlier.  Wonderful.  Now on half-rations, such as they were.

I regarded Penumbra’s ‘feast’ of three beans, two sprigs of dill, and a morsel of tofu almost with envy. Sterling’s meal consisted of a single olive artfully balanced on a slice of cucumber.

“Well, I did say I wasn’t very hungry,” Sterling said with a half-smile.

The waitress disappeared before we could voice any further objections.  I looked around and shrugged helplessly.  “Bon appetit?”

“I hope that means ‘No tip’,” Penny grumbled before she flicked out her tongue and made her ‘feast’ disappear.

“Penny, Penny, tut tut tut.  Do try to use your utensils.  One must keep up appearances in this level of establishment.” I said with a haughtily cocked eyebrow.  Then I dropped the act and frowned.  “Because we’re definitely not going to be doing much actual eating here.”  I returned to Penumbra’s implied question. “Sadly, these kinds of places load the tip into the price of the meals.”

“So we’re doubly screwed?” Starlight asked.

“Stop complaining – you’re not the one paying for it.”

Starlight sighed and ate the… whatever. I followed suit.  I honestly can say that I still have no idea what I just ate, but it was awfully bland.

“Can we leave now and find somewhere that sells cuisine and not sculptures?” Starlight asked.

“Just as soon as we get the check,” I replied.

“And how long are we going to have to wait for that?” Penny asked.

“An excellent question.  Let’s motivate them.”  I stood up and the others quickly did the same.  I headed for the exit with the rest of my entourage following.  The Maitre D’ stopped us at the door.

“Has Your Highness forgotten something?”

“Nope.  Send the bill to the castle.  I’ll make sure it gets paid just as fast as we were served today.  Good day to you, my little pony.” Okay, for once I didn’t feel silly using that traditional phrase.  It was good to be the king… er... prince!

That got a laugh out of Starlight as we left the restaurant.  “What a jerk. Now, can we find someplace that actually serves food?”

I looked around at the several alternatives left.  “An excellent question.  Where shall we try our luck next?”

We selected the next restaurant very scientifically – eenie, meenie, miney, moe…

“Weren’t we just in here?” Starlight asked.

I almost wondered the same thing. The décor, while not identical, was only varying in minor changes.  Round art shapes on the wall instead of square.  Lavender drapes with teal table accessories instead of the inverse.  That sort of thing.  And the staff – different ponies but exactly the same uniforms and attitude.  And the menus….

“Sweet Celestia, not again!” Starlight protested.





Much too much later, we emerged from the restaurant.

“I’m still hungry,” Starlight complained.

“I swear they share the same kitchen,” Penny said as she scowled at the establishment adjacent.

“I suppose we could try another place,” I suggested.

“As long as you keep paying,” Penny replied.

“They can’t all be this bad,” Starlight decided as she chose a restaurant across the street and headed for it.

I shrugged and followed.  The moment that I stepped inside, I knew we were doomed.  Diamond shaped art objects and gold drapes this time, but otherwise, the restaurant might as well have been stamped from the same mold as the other two.

Starlight sighed.  “I’m going to starve to death surrounded by restaurants, I just know it.”





“What’s with these places?!” Penny grumbled as we left behind yet another disappointing dining experience. “Our bodies are burning more energy waiting for the food than we’re getting from it.  Maybe this is why it is so fashionable for rich mares to be skinny… they don’t have a choice!”

“I don’t know,” Starlight replied, “but our Friendship Mission surely can’t be more of this.”

“You’re right, Glim Glam.  We’re missing something.  I think we’ve been going about this all wrong.  Let’s scope out the entire street and see if we can spot something.”

“Anything’s better than going into another of these food art museums,” the unicorn grumped.

I headed off down the street with the other three in tow.  I looked around carefully but saw nothing but shop after shop bearing that same three-hoof sign.  The terrible sameness of them was depressing although I could understand why the nobles patronized them, and it definitely wasn’t for the food.  They were places to be seen in the company of their peers that said – “I am wealthy and important” – and nothing more.

We were about three-quarters down the street when a magnificent odor wafted past my nostrils.  I sniffed in deeply, savoring the scent, and my mouth started to water.  With my nose raised, I chased the smell around the corner into a narrow alley. It widened into a cul-de-sac that had another restaurant at the end, but one that bore absolutely no resemblance to its neighbors.  A sign with the head of an elephant holding a spoon in its trunk surmounted the door through which the heavenly odor was emerging.

“Ladies and gent, I think we’ve struck the jackpot,” I said as I trotted forward eagerly.

“There’s a blank rating sign on it,” Sterling observed.

“A point in its favor, I reckon,” Penny replied, obviously just as captivated by the scent as I was.

Starlight said, “I’ve never smelled anything like it before, but it’s already my favorite meal!”  She was even swishing her tail around happily!

We stepped inside and gazed in awe at the décor.  I didn’t know what the culture would be called here in magical talking pony world, but on Earth, I would call it Indian.  Colorfully patterned drapes and ceiling hangings complimented the art featuring elephants, exotic flowers, and more.  Comfortable cushioned stools and large overstuffed chairs were set around tables bearing candlelit lanterns.  I loved it!

No one whatsoever was in the place, so I chose a table and sat down.  The others quickly followed suit.

“Strange that this place is empty of customers,” Penny commented.

“I hope that doesn’t say anything about the food,” Starlight replied.  “No rating, remember?”

Just then, an orange unicorn mare with a marvelous flouncy mane and golden jewelry walked in from the kitchen. Her eyes widened in surprise at seeing us there, but that rapidly changed to a beaming smile.

“Welcome to the Tasty Treat.  My name is Saffron Masala and I am the chef here. Can I interest you in today’s specials?”





Starlight replied, “Saffron – if they’re what I smell right now, I’m very interested.”

Saffron’s smile broadened.  “We have a curried oatmeal cake or a grass sandwich marinated in a mustard Dijon dressing.”

“I’m not sure what that is…” Starlight began.

“She’ll have one of each for starters,” I interrupted.  “In fact, same for the rest of us.”

Penny gave me a curious look but said nothing.  Saffron said, “Wonderful!  I’ll have those out for you in just a moment.”  She then hastened back into the kitchen.

“I know that scheming look. What is it that you’re not telling us?” Penny asked.

I gave them all a confident smile. “If this is what I think it is, you’re gonna love it.”

As we waited, a full-figured unicorn stallion emerged from the back and started stacking stools on the tables, grumbling under his breath.  He was startled when he saw us sitting there but then resumed his task.

“Pardon me, but do you work here too?” I asked, wondering why he seemed to be closing up the place in the middle of the day.

“I am Coriander Cumin.  I am the host.  My daughter cooks.”

Short and to the point, I suppose. “Did we come at a bad time?  We thought you’d be open for the day.”

“No point in staying open when there are no customers.”

“Father!  Stop closing the shop up around our guests!”  Saffron had come out of the kitchen bearing several plates in the glow of her magic.  She laid them on the table as she glared at her dad.

“The only guests we’ve had for days! Once they leave, we may as well close. Nopony else will be coming in.”

“Well, your attitude isn’t going to bring anypony in!”

I said, “But this meal should. Dig in, everypony!”  The plates were laden with far more food than expected, even forgetting about the traumatizing portions we had experienced so far today.  I recognized naan bread accompanying the order too.

Everyone eagerly began chowing down, even Sterling for whom food was an indulgence rather than a necessity.  That said more about the meal than almost anything else.

“Thiff iff derishish!” Penny exclaimed with her mouth full and a piece of naan bread skewered on a fang.

I had to agree, but I was distracted by the continuing bickering between father and daughter.

“Can’t you at least pretend to be positive?” Saffron asked, marching up to her dad.

“What is the point?  Nopony here wants to try anything new or different. I know when to throw in the towel.”

“Maybe if you would listen to my ideas for once…”

“Oh, yes!  I would never listen to my daughter for whom I moved halfway across Equus to start this restaurant.”

I nudged Starlight.  “Hey, Glimmy – are you thinking what I’m thinking?”

The mare stopped stuffing her face long enough to say, “Friendship Problem?”  Then she resumed eating.

I nodded as I watched the two arguing. “Yep.  I think we finally found it.”

“Great, but can it wait until after the meal?  Scratch that. Can it wait until after this course?”

I overheard Coriander say, “We can’t even get Zesty Gourmand to rate our restaurant!  She took one look at the empty room and said it wasn’t worth her time.” I took a bite of the curried oatcake and decided that if the other restaurants were any indication of the food critic’s tastes, a rating by her wasn’t the only path to the restaurant’s success.  All it really needed was some good advertising. I would have to think about it more… later.  Damn, this food was amazing.

The two were still squabbling when I finished my serving.  I was in the mood for more and I was sure Starlight would be too.  I wondered if the menu here extended to what I knew of Indian cooking back on Earth and I had an idea.  A positively evil idea, so naturally, I had to do it.

I got up from the table.  “I’m going to try to get our hosts to stop fighting for long enough to take our order for more food.”  By now, Saffron and Coriander had bickered their way back to the kitchen door and I managed to catch them just as they went inside. Perfect!  “Excuse me, but my friends and I would like to order another course.”

Both of them looked a little shocked but Saffron recovered quickly and smiled with delight.  “Certainly, sir!  Do please pardon us for neglecting you.”

“It’s okay.  I’m reminded of a dish that I tried once before in a foreign land called chicken vindaloo.  Would you happen to serve that here?”

Now that certainly surprised them.

Coriander spoke up hesitantly. “We do, sir, but are you aware of its ingredients?”

Saffron added, “We had griffon customers in mind when we put that on the…” She looked around as if to see if there were any witnesses.  “… special menu.”

“If you’re trying to gently tell me that it actually contains chicken meat, I’m well aware of that fact, just as I’m aware that we ponies can eat modest amounts of meat and it’s a valuable source of protein in some places.”  I had learned my lesson way back when I first arrived in Equestria that ponies couldn’t eat large steaks, but I had been wrong concluding that we couldn’t eat meat at all.  After discovering that pegasi were fond of seafood, I subsequently learned that judicious amounts of some meat, in particular, lean types, were actually good for us.

Saffron brightened.  “I would be happy to cook some for you then.”

“Make that four servings, but keep it reasonably mild.  My companions might be a little taken aback by a full-strength vindaloo.”

“I understand, sir.  It will take a little while to prepare though.  Could I interest you in something in the meantime?”

“That would be great.  Something to nibble on while we wait – maybe pakora or samosas; I’m not a huge fan of papadum.  Oh – and hot tea if you have it?”

Coriander said, “It will be my pleasure to serve those for you, sir.  If you would return to your table, I will have them out shortly.”

I nodded and left, pleased with the outcome.  I’d stopped the bickering for now, got us more food, and set my prank in motion.  I sat down at the table with a smile on my face.

“What are you so happy about?” Starlight asked.

“I’ve ordered some more food.  I think you’ll like it.  It’s a bit spicy but very flavorful.”

“My tongue is still comatose from the horrible bland stuff that we ate at the other restaurants.  See?”  Penny then proceeded to demonstrate exactly how long her tongue was, which I had to admit to myself was fairly amazing.  Personally, I suspect she just wanted an excuse to stick out her tongue at me – all of it.  She continued, “I think I would enjoy something with a bit of zing.”

“It’ll take a little while for it to be prepared, but I’ve asked for something to snack on while we wait. Meanwhile, we can discuss the Friendship Problem.”

“Did you have anything in mind?” Starlight asked.

“Well, it seems to me that their biggest problem is that they lack the stupid three-hoof rating needed to draw in customers, but if it’s endorsement they need, perhaps a prince extolling the virtues of the food here while ‘casually’ chatting with the nobles will make a difference.”

Starlight frowned.  “A handful of nobles won’t sustain this business, and you don’t know that the snobs will like this type of food anyway.  No, what this place needs is a lot more of the common ponies who will pass the word around and bring in their friends.”

“But will they even come in the first place?  It seems to me that this whole street thrives on its reputation based on those signs out there.  We need the nobles to come and try the food so that this Zesty critic can consider the restaurant worth her time and give it a rating.”

“Ratings don’t bring in repeat business – good food does!  Celestia knows how much I appreciated it even while I was in the dungeon.  Prison fare was much better than the meals in Our Town. Yeah, I’m aware whose fault that was, but that means I also know what I’m talking about.  And how do you plan to go about changing this critic’s mind? She seems to have everything under control exactly the way she wants it right now.”

I was about to argue more but Coriander arrived just then with a tray heaped with samosas and another with a teapot and four cups.  In his magic, he floated over clean plates and two ramekins for each of us.  Looking inside and taking a sniff, I recognized mint and tamarind sauces.  He placed it all on the table and said that he hoped that we would enjoy them before leaving us.

“Will you pour tea for us, Glimmy?” I asked.

The unicorn nodded and started that task while I took a couple of samosas from the tray.  “Help yourselves, but keep in mind that another course is coming.”

Penny needed no urging and quickly ate a couple of them before taking the cup of tea that Starlight passed to her. “I’ve never drunk tea before, but then again, I’ve never eaten this awesome food before, so I’m all for trying new things in this place.”

While we ate and drank, I mulled over what Starlight had said.  While I was still convinced that getting this place rated was a priority, what Glimmer had said also made sense.  It just irked me that it was her telling me this.

Despite some self-restraint, the samosas were finished before the vindaloo was ready so we discussed the food served to us so far.  The unanimous opinion was that the restaurant deserved its name, Tasty Treat, and it was a shame that nopony had looked past its lack of a three-hoof rating to give it a try.

Coriander Cumin eventually turned up with four servings of the chicken vindaloo and placed them on the table in front of us.  Each plate also held a generous scoop of basmati rice and three more quarter-sections of naan, although this time the bread smelled of the garlic that was baked in. “As requested, I have prepared the vindaloo with only mild spiciness, but I must still warn you if you have not sampled a vindaloo before, it may still have more kick than you may be used to. Please enjoy!”

Knowing what a full-strength vindaloo was like, I wasn’t surprised at all that the mild version still had ‘kick’ as Coriander warned.  Nevertheless, it tasted just as marvelous as all the other food.  I watched as Starlight’s eyes bulged as the heat hit her, but after a gulp of tea, she soldiered on.  Penny also looked a little shocked, but she only grinned and dug in with gusto.  Sterling was the wildcard I couldn't predict .  The changeling sense of taste was different from that of ponies, so I wasn’t sure how he would react.  I saw him raise an eyebrow and look at the dish keenly before smiling and continuing to eat, apparently savoring each mouthful.

When everypony had finished, I asked, “Well?  What did you think?”

Sterling smacked his lips with satisfaction and said in an almost surprised tone, “I really liked that.  So much more flavorful than typical pony fare. Can I get another order in a to-go box?”

How about that?  All this time and we never knew that it took something really spicy to stir their taste buds.  “Sure,” I replied.  “Would you like to try the full-strength vindaloo?”

“Sounds good to me.  I like this version of their bread as well.  I can’t wait to tell my friends about this, or better yet, share it with them.”

I guessed that the Tasty Treat might be getting a few more changeling customers if they all reacted the same way as Sterling did.

Penny said, “I’ve never had anything so bitey before.  Damn good though.”

“Good doesn’t begin to describe it,” Starlight gushed.  “I was caught off guard by how hot it was, but the rich texture and flavors were awesome! Do you know what goes into a… vindaloo, was it?”

I searched my memory.  “Umm… I’m not exactly an expert on this, but I believe it contains tomatoes, onions, ginger, garlic, chilies, and a couple of other things.  Oh, and I almost forgot one of the most important ingredients – meat.”

Starlight’s eyes snapped open wide and she stared at me in shock.  “M-meat?”

“Yes, chicken in this case, but you can make it with other kinds.”

Starlight’s hoof flew to her mouth. “I… think I’m going to be…”  She got up from the table and started tottering away.  She made about five steps before collapsing in a dead faint.

“Tch!  Some ponies just can’t handle their vindaloos,” I said with a smirk. I turned back to the table to see Penny staring levelly at me with a huge, fanged grin on her face.  I tried to stare back but eventually caved.  “What?”

After a bit more of a pause, the bat-pony said, “I didn't think you had it in you.  That seals it.  I'll be naming my first foal after you.”

I blinked a few times and then smirked. “And what if it's a filly?”

Penumbra waved a hoof dismissively. “I reckon ‘Hey, Dumbass!’ works just as well for either gender.”

This actually got the stoic and normally disaffected Sterling Shield to fall off his chair, laughing.  I shook my head at how well I had been set up.  The Queen of the Jab strikes again!

I got up from the table. “Sterling – would you mind picking up Ms. Delicate Flower and taking her outside?  Penny, you can accompany them.  I’ll arrange Sterling’s to-go box and settle the bill.”

The changeling Guard levitated Starlight in his magic and exited the restaurant followed by a chuckling Penumbra. I was about to go to the kitchen door when Coriander came out.  He noticed with dismay that Sterling was levitating the unconscious unicorn.

“Oh dear!  I do hope the young mare is alright.”

“Don’t worry, Mister Cumin – Starlight is prone to fainting occasionally.”  I placed the to-go order and while Saffron Masala was preparing it, I paid the bill and gave Coriander a generous tip.  That done, I turned to one more important task.  “Coriander – the food that you serve here is a welcome addition to Restaurant Row, but I understand your position due to the lack of custom.  I heard that you intend to close up shop because of it.  I’m asking you to withhold that decision because my friends and I intend to bring in more customers.  In fact, we’ll do whatever it takes to ensure that we can come back and savor Saffron’s cooking again and make your restaurant a success.”

“That is most generous of you, sir, but we have already tried very hard to bring in customers.  Zesty Gourmand’s refusal to consider rating our restaurant discourages everypony from even giving us a chance.”

I smiled.  “Perhaps you need someone with a bigger reputation than a food critic to extol your virtues.  You haven’t recognized me at all, have you?”

“I humbly beg your pardon, sir, but indeed, I do not know you.”

“Not unexpected for newcomers to Canterlot.  I am Prince Mark Wells, husband to Princess Trixie Lulamoon.”

The portly stallion’s eyes widened in shock.  “Your Highness!  Please forgive the rudeness with which we have treated you—”

I held up a hoof to stop him. “It’s okay, Coriander – I came here on a personal mission, not royal business.  I don’t expect everypony to recognize me on sight.  But it does mean that I have some authority to back up my attempts to help you out.  So – will you stay open for now?”

“I am humbled by your patronage, Your Highness.  We will keep the restaurant open as you wish.”

“Great!  And here’s Sterling’s vindaloo.  Nice timing, Saffron.”

“I overheard what you said to my father,” the mare said as she passed the box to me.  “You have my thanks too, Your Highness.”

“You’re welcome.  But as this isn’t royal business, just call me Mark. My wife is the stickler for titles.” I gave them a wink and a grin before heading out of the shop.

Starlight was woozily getting to her hooves when I emerged back onto the cul-de-sac.  “Good to see you conscious again, Glim Glam.  Come on – we’ve got work to do.”

She gave me a death-glare.  “You set me up!”

“Yeah.  Kind of makes up for a lot of what you did to me and Twilight, don’t you think?  And a lot less fatal too, despite what you used to think of meat.”

“You’re a barbarian!”

“That’s Prince Barbarian to you. Besides, you don’t see either Penumbra or Sterling Shield complaining, do you?  Saffron and Coriander don’t cook it just to make their customers queasy. Broaden your mind a little, Glimmy. Admit it; you’re just angry because you have an unreasonable bias against your favorite dish.”

Starlight opened and closed her mouth a few times.  I think she was trying to deny it but couldn’t make herself believe those words. Eventually, she frowned and settled for: “Whatever.  Can we get back to our mission?”

“Certainly.  I intend to go back to the castle and make myself available to all those nobles who keep wanting to ingratiate themselves with me.  I’ll extol the virtues of the Tasty Treat and prod them to give it a try as the latest sensation of Restaurant Row.”

Starlight rolled her eyes.  “So, you want to turn it into another of these carbon copy shops that exist just for their snob value?  What next?  Redecorate the Tasty Treat like the other restaurants so Zesty Gourmand won’t ignore it?”

“What kind of idiotic idea is that? Can't you come up with anything better?” I replied.

Before Starlight could say more, Penny interrupted.  “Can you two stop bickering long enough to solve the Friendship Problem?”

“We’re going to do our best to smooth out the tension between father and daughter,” I assured her.

“Yeah, we’re just getting started. We really want to help Saffron and Coriander’s relationship,” Starlight added.

Penumbra gave us a level stare. “I wasn't talking about them.”

Oh.  “Touché, Penny.  Okay, Starlight – what did you have in mind?”

“The only way the Tasty Treat will survive and thus take the pressure off Saffron and Coriander is to bring in large numbers of repeat customers, not just the occasional visit from a noble trying to make an impression.  What they need is a massive publicity campaign.  Make ponies look beyond the three-hoof ranking system and tempt them to try something different.  Once they’ve tasted Saffron’s cooking, they’ll be hooked.”

“Do you really think it can sustain itself against the relentless peer pressure of the rating system though? Where I come from originally, restaurants can live or die by their online customer ratings.”

Starlight gave me a puzzled look. “Sometimes, I really can’t figure you out, Prince Mark.  You come up with some very strange comments.  What’s an online rating?”

I shook my head.  “Never mind – it’s not applicable here.  Still, reputation is important.”

“Then go ahead and do your thing and let me do mine.  You can leave me with Sterling Shield to watch me, can’t you?”

I glanced at the Royal Guard who gave me a reassuring nod.  “Okay, let’s do that.  Good luck!”





Ever beat your head against a wall repeatedly?  It’s only marginally more painful than trying to persuade arrogant snobbish nobles to try something that doesn’t fit their perfect world.  Almost every one of them asked one question first – “What is its hoof rating?”  I got a few vague promises to give the Tasty Treat a try but I doubted that they were sincere.  Only Fancy Pants was genuinely intrigued and said he’d bring his wife, Fleur de Lis, that evening.  I had better luck with Raven and some of the other castle staff, but while that would bring the restaurant some much-needed custom, it wouldn’t be hitting my goal of getting it an elite reputation.  I eventually gave up on trying any more that day and went back to Restaurant Row to see how Starlight was doing.

I found the unicorn sitting dejectedly at one of the tables in the Tasty Treat, commiserating with Saffron Masala over some tea and a snack.  Coriander was standing behind the counter at the back of the room.  Starlight looked frazzled and just as frustrated as me. Penny and I sat down beside them. “You look like you want to strangle somepony, glimmy.  Good thing I left Sterling with you.”

She gave a growl of frustration. “It’s also a good thing that I have these horn rings on or else I might use my magic to rip all those stupid signs off the shops.  Almost everypony who comes to Restaurant Row does so based on its reputation for the impeccable rating of all its restaurants.  I’ve been approaching ponies in the street all afternoon extolling the Tasty Treat’s virtues and I can get plenty of ponies interested. Then they see the blank rating sign and have second thoughts.  Frankly, Coriander and Saffron should never have set up their business here.  I’m sorry, Saffron, but if you thought you were going to get a lot of customers because of the restaurant’s location, I’m afraid you got it horribly wrong.”

Saffron Masala’s ears drooped and she looked glum.  Slowly, she nodded her head in agreement.

I sighed and my own ears wilted with the news.  “So, both our approaches have failed.  I couldn’t persuade many of the nobles either.  I don’t know where to go from this point.”

“Oh, for buck’s sake!” Penumbra growled. “You’re a pair of dumbasses, you know that?”

I turned and stared at the bat-pony. “What in Tartarus are you talking about?”

She jabbed the claw of her leathery wing at me.  “You’ve got the rep.”  The claw shifted to Starlight.  “You’ve got the gift of the gab.”  She spread her wings dramatically.  “Do I really need to point out that if you work together, you might be able to overcome your problem?”

I looked at Starlight and she seemed just as thunderstruck as me.  The map table had sent the two of us on this mission, but we’d been acting as separate agents instead of as a team.  We were both to blame for this – me for my attitude towards Starlight and she for her contempt for the elite which I represented.  That changed right now.

“Glimmy – truce?  I think we can do this.”

She nodded.  “Yeah.  How do you want to go about it?”

“First – I need props.  I’m going back to the castle.  Meanwhile, you visit the other restaurants and inform the owners that the royal couple is officially giving the Crown's first stamp of approval to one of the shops on Restaurant Row.  Spin it as if I’ve been quietly appraising them all and have come to a decision.  Grab their attention and make them want to come and see who gets the award.  Then start working the crowd.  Tell them to expect a royal event.  It’s coming up to dinner time and you should be able to attract a large number of common ponies.  Use Sterling as a prop to lend legitimacy.  I don’t care how you do it – that’s your department.  I’ll return in a carriage with my wife, crown on my head, and a squad of Royal Guards.  We make a great fanfare and a short speech which is when I announce that the Tasty Treat is the winner.  What do you think?”

Saffron gasped and put a hoof on her chest while Starlight thoughtfully replied, “Sounds good.  Best of both worlds, I hope.”

“That’s what I hope too.  Okay, it should take me about an hour to get my bit done.”

Penumbra gave me a dry look.  “Do you really think you can rush your wife?”

“Make that two hours.”

“I’ll be ready,” Starlight replied confidently.

I heard a few sniffs from my right. “Mmmmmango…” said Penny in a dreamy tone of voice.  I looked over Starlight’s table for the first time – tea, some crispy, thin papadum with a chutney sauce (apparently mango if my drooling guardspony was to be believed), and a shallow bowl of what smelled like sweetened water of some sort.  “Ah!  Just the thing.”  I picked up the bowl and drained it, only belatedly registering that both Starlight and Saffron tried to raise an objection.

I frowned as I smacked my lips. “That didn’t taste good at all.”

Saffron said, “That’s... because that was rose water.  It’s used to ... wash your hooves.”

I smacked my lips one more time. I swore I could hear Penumbra grinning beside me.  “Nopony breathes a word about this. At least for the time being.”

Starlight furrowed her brow. “You’re planning to prank your wife, aren’t you?”

“Maybe.  In any case, back to business!  We’re going to pack this place to the brim!”

Saffron turned to her dad and said, “A full restaurant!  Father, I know we agreed that you would be the host, but would you please also help me in the kitchen?”

“Help you cook? But I thought you were determined to do that yourself. That cooking alone is what would make you happy.”

“Father, my happiest memories are of the two of us in the kitchen: cooking, sharing, and experimenting. I was with you when I got my cutie mark, remember?”

Coriander laughed, “You called it ‘Mughlai Karahi Gosht’.  The griffon judge called it the best meal he had ever tasted. You didn’t even wait until you got the first place ribbon before your cutie mark appeared!”  They both shared a delighted laugh at the memory.

Saffron picked up her father’s hoof. “Will you make me that happy again?”

Coriander matched her smile.  “For my daughter – anything.”

They embraced and Starlight and I were entranced by the tender scene.  Trust Penny to cut it short with a hoof-bump to my flank.  I turned to see her looking there with narrowed eyes. “Hmmm.  Nope. Not yet,” she murmured.

I sighed.  “Come on, Glimmy.  We’ve got work to do.”

She jabbed me with a hoof on the other flank.  “It’s ‘Starlight Glimmer’,” she said darkly.

I frowned and started for the door. “What is it with mares and my flanks?”

Penumbra gave her trademark grin. “Maybe Princess Trixie was right about one thing.”

I shook my head.  Despite my new title, it seemed mares still ran this world.





It wasn’t difficult to persuade Trixie to come with me for a dinner date.  However, most of the time that it took us to get to Restaurant Row was taken up by her preparing for the outing.  That wasn’t unexpected though and I used the time to organize the royal carriage (pulled by earth ponies this time), an honor guard, and to get into some snazzy threads, specifically, the wonderful dinner jacket and ascot ensemble that Rarity had made just for me. When we arrived, it was obvious that Starlight had done her job and a small crowd was gathered midway down the street.  We pulled up just short of the crowd and one of the Royal Guards opened the door to the carriage.  I emerged first and ‘assisted’ Trixie down.  Then, side-by-side, we approached Starlight who was giving the crowd an introductory spiel.  She had somehow found a small platform for us and we stood upon it and faced the crowd.

Apparently, Starlight had given Sterling instructions because he suddenly spoke up in his loud parade-ground voice.  “Silence for His Highness, Prince Mark Wells!”

I gave him a nod of acknowledgement and then addressed the crowd.  “Mares and gentlestallions, we are here today to bestow upon one of these restaurants the Royal Seal of approval.  I have personally sampled the finest that these purveyors of top-class fare can provide. My advisors and I have come to the unanimous conclusion that one restaurant stands above the rest in excellence. It was no simple decision (‘yeah, I can bullshit with the best’), but I think that you will agree that the winner is deserving of its award.  It’s not easy making an impression with a new style of gourmet cooking, but I believe that you will come to love it as much as I do.  The first restaurant to gain the Royal Seal is… the Tasty Treat.”

There was applause and a murmur of curiosity from the crowd which I let die down a bit before continuing.

“Her Royal Highness Princess Trixie and I will be dining at the Tasty Treat this evening.  I invite you all to join us and discover for yourselves the wonders of the cooking of chef Saffron Masala.”  I turned to Trixie and held out a hoof.  “Shall we, my dear?”

“We shall,” she replied.  “The Great and Hungry Trixie is looking forward to this enormously.”

We stepped off the platform and headed towards the Tasty Treat.  To my satisfaction, a significant number of ponies trailed after us.  I assumed Starlight would have a table for two reserved for us, but I was hoping that we would fill the rest with new customers. Sterling took up a post at the door while Penny and Starlight accompanied us inside.

I got to see Coriander’s face as pony after pony followed us.  I gave him a wink and he shook himself out of his stupor and got to work seating us. When Trixie saw that Starlight and Penumbra weren’t being seated also, she insisted on them joining us and had us moved to a table for four.

“We can’t spoil your evening with your husband, Your Highness,” Starlight protested.

“Nonsense!  Join us!  I will need your recommendations because, frankly, my husband’s choices are a bit suspect.  No offense, dear.”

‘Rose water,’ I thought to myself.  “None taken, dear.”

Coriander then attended to the rest of his customers.  His daughter came out to help with the sudden influx.  Soon, the shop was at capacity and there were still more ponies outside seeking to try out the food.  That wasn’t a bad thing either because now they could say that the restaurant was so popular that it had to turn away diners.  That always made a place even more enticing.  I think we could safely say – mission accomplished.  Time to pay attention to my wife, even if my cutie mark wasn’t flashing yet.

After studying the menu for a while, my spouse said, “Trixie has no idea what any of these are.  What do you suggest?”

I smiled.  “May I recommend the vindaloo from the special menu?  It made quite an impression on Starlight Glimmer.” Oh, I was going to pay for that later!





To my chagrin, the date with my wife was turning into a mare gabfest.  I was almost tempted to change into Marklestia to fit in.  That’d sure put the restaurant on the map and give the diners something to talk about!

We were halfway through our meal when the front door burst open and a sharp-faced gray mare in fancy clothing strode inside.  She stopped in the middle of the restaurant and looked about herself with disdain.





“What are all of you ponies doing here? This place has no hooves!  This restaurant does not meet the standards I have set for Canterlot.”

One of the patrons said, “Well, if the cuisine is good enough for Prince Mark Wells, then it’s good enough for me.”

Zesty sniffed disparagingly as she glanced in our direction.  “If I have a problem with zoning regulations, I'll talk to the Prince.  He cannot tell you what food you can eat.”

Before I could respond, Starlight got up from our table and walked up to Zesty.  “Exactly.  I've been in the position you are trying to occupy now, except I controlled every aspect of my townsponies’ lives, not just what they ate.  And I was wrong to do so.  Suppressing what other ponies enjoy in their life is a crime.  Using shame and a position of authority to do so is indefensible. If you don't believe me, come to my trial.  No pony decides what is best for other ponies, especially something as uniquely personal as their taste in cuisine.”

I stood up to move beside Starlight and added, “You've made your recommendations and provided your opinion.  Now it’s time for you to leave.”

Zesty glared at me then turned and left in a huff.  There were laughs and cheers from the other diners and three of them came over to our table.

“Pardon us, Your Highnesses, but we wish to thank you for what you have done today.  I own the Smoked Oat and my friends own the Bake Stop and Del Pesto here in Restaurant Row and we have wanted to change our menus and decor for a long time, but Zesty Gourmand has had a stranglehold on the dining scene and we’ve had to comply with her ideas or go out of business.  But the wonderful food that is served here and the support that you’ve given to the owners have given us the courage and confidence to break away from Zesty’s grip.  We will go back to doing what we got into the restaurant business for in the first place – making delicious food.  Thank you very much!”

I grinned and replied, “You’re very welcome, but please thank Starlight Glimmer also.  Without her help, I could not have accomplished this.”

The three did as I suggested which got a nod of gratitude from the unicorn.  Then Coriander and Saffron found a moment to spare to thank us profusely before rushing back to work.  I love it when a plan comes together.





After a very enjoyable dinner, Trixie, Starlight, Penumbra, and I exited the restaurant feeling very satisfied. Sterling Shield who had been standing at his post at the door joined up with us as some waiting patrons eagerly took our place.  That pleased me.  Anypony willing to wait that long to be seated in a restaurant was likely to appreciate the meal a lot and come back again.  I paused to look at the shopfront and noticed the empty rating board.

“It’s a pity that we didn’t have an actual Equestrian Royal Seal to put up there,” I mused.

I noticed Starlight shuffling her hooves a bit but she said nothing.

I turned to her and asked, “Could you do it?”

With a bit of a stammer, she replied, “W-well, I could have, but...”

“Will you promise not to try to escape?”

“You want me to make one of those Pinkie Promises again?”

“No – I’ll take your word for it. You did a lot of wrong things, Starlight, but you always said what you meant, and meant what you said.”

Her face lit up with gratitude. “You have my word of honor that I will not try to escape.”

“Thank you.  Sergeants Penumbra and Sterling Shield – please remove the magic suppression bands.”

Both guards took out a flat disk and whispered a short phrase, causing the disks to transform into keys.  The fact that Sterling did so promptly reinforced my faith in Starlight’s oath.  If the changeling didn’t detect any falsehood, then the unicorn was totally sincere.

Starlight fired up her horn and, a moment later, the seal of the Royal Sisters was emblazoned on the board.





My wife spoke up.  “Trixie reckons that it is time that a new Royal Seal be created to reflect the current rulers of Equestria.”

“True,” I agreed, “but this works nicely for now and it’s the final touch that the place needed.”  I shared a smile and a high hoof with Starlight and then I felt a familiar tingle on my rear end.  Looking around, I saw my cutie mark flashing and so was Starlight’s.

“It seems our first Friendship Mission is over,” I said.

“You say that as if you think there will be others,” Starlight commented.

“Time will tell.  We worked well when we got our act together.”

Starlight chuckled.  “I guess we did.”

“Wait!” Penny said.  “Was the friendship mission to reconcile the father and daughter and save their restaurant and by extension many of those on Restaurant Row, or was it to spark friendship between you two hardheaded idiots?”

Starlight and I shared a grin. “Yes,” we said in unison.

Penny grimaced.  “Serves me right for asking you two nitwits.”

My wife laughed as we stepped up to the royal carriage.  “Now you know what the Great and Forbearing Trixie has to put up with.”

“Yak it up while you can,” I grumped as I followed Trixie into our ride.

Penny, Starlight, and Sterling joined us and then the Royal Guard earth ponies who were hitched to the carriage commenced to take us back to the castle.

Starlight’s smile faded.  “I suppose it’s back to the trial tomorrow?”

I nodded.  “That needs to be done regardless of anything that happened today.”

“I understand.  I have to say that I’m happy to have had this opportunity though.”

I grinned.  “Believe it or not, so am I.”





As originally planned, we spent the remainder of the week in a series of sessions for Starlight’s trial.  However, with the benefit of our shared experience, I was able to deal with it dispassionately, free of the animosity which I had prior to the Friendship Mission.  On her part, Starlight was calm and accepting of her inevitable fate.

Eventually, all the evidence was heard, each scenario analyzed thoroughly, with prosecution and defense raising point and counterpoint.  Trixie declared a recess while she, Twilight, and I shared our views on the proceedings and debated the most appropriate course of action.  It was during this that I asked Raven Inkwell yet again for assistance in looking up something from one of the earlier sessions.

“Birthmark Barbells, when will you stop using Trixie’s Great and Competent Advisor as your own?”

I opened my mouth to protest that Raven had always worked with me while I was Trixie’s Grand Vizier, but then I realized that my wife was right.  I was a prince now and I needed my own staff.  That made a lightbulb go on in my head.  “Tell me what you think of this idea…”





We three triarchs filed back into the throne room and took our places.  Starlight looked truly nervous for the first time.  She had a right to be because it was her moment of truth.

“Starlight Glimmer – step forth,” I commanded.

The unicorn got up from her seat and walked up to the base of the dais and bowed.

“My fellow regents have elected me to give our verdicts.”  I held up a scroll and read from it.  “On the charge of attempted regicide, we find you guilty.”

Starlight sagged visibly, her ears wilting.

I continued.  “By request of the intended victim, Princess Twilight Sparkle, you are hereby granted a royal pardon.”

Starlight’s ears shot up again and she stared at us in disbelief.  I didn’t let her think about it for long.

“On the charge of attempted murder of myself – guilty.”

That took the wind out of her sails once more.  I smirked a little and continued.

“The penalty shall be one chicken vindaloo dinner, full-strength, upon completion of which you will be pardoned of that charge.”

“What…?  Are you serious?” Starlight blurted out.

“I am.  Deadly serious, you could say,” I replied smugly.  Yeah, I was never going to be one of those grave judges you saw on TV dramas.  “On the charges of stealing cutie marks and brainwashing the inhabitants of Our Town, in consultation with its citizens, you have been granted amnesty on all counts.”

Starlight looked grateful, no doubt recalling her return trip to Our Town.  Perhaps she realized how much her willingness to ask their forgiveness had affected them.

I moved on to the next item.  “On the charge of attempting to pervert the course of history to the detriment of all of Equestria – guilty.  While it has been subsequently determined that it is likely impossible to change history, your meddling resulted in divergent timelines, many of which may have ponies who suffered greatly due to your prevention of Rainbow Dash’s sonic rainboom.  You have seen the photographic proof of at least one of them.  Princess Twilight Sparkle believes it is impossible for us to correct those and thus the seriousness of the charge.  However, your remorse and acceptance of your culpability have been taken into account.”

I put down the scroll and regarded the mare seriously.  “Starlight, we have both learned much over the past few months.  The three of us believe that you have genuinely seen the error of your actions, while I have learned that Equestrian justice is not about punishment but redemption.  Throwing you in jail will not fix the problems that you created but learning how to help others avoid the traps that you fell into will benefit the entire realm. As such, as requested by Princess Twilight Sparkle, you will engage under her tutelage in what she has called friendship lessons until such time as Her Highness determines that you completely understand true friendship.”

“I… I thank Your Highnesses for this opportunity…” Starlight began.

“Not quite done yet, Starlight,” I interrupted.  She gulped nervously.  “You are aware of the very long list of offences which I’m not going to bother reading out right now.  However, at the root of them all was a desire to correct what you perceived was a gross injustice.  The problems caused by inequality in Equestria are very real although your methods of dealing with them were deeply flawed and misguided.  To make amends for your actions, you will be given the opportunity to do something more positive towards your goal.  I am offering you the position of Royal Advisor to myself.  You will be responsible for providing me with important information, giving advice, and acting on my behalf.  Do you accept?”

Starlight stared at me, blinking in disbelief.  “You… want me… to work for you?”

“Or we could still use the dungeon option if you don’t like that idea.  This is a very long scroll of offences,” I replied, waving said document.

“Why would you want me as your advisor after all that I’ve done?”

“You’re a smart and talented mare, Starlight Glimmer, and I really need somepony like that working for me.  I believe Harmony has shown me that you have a special destiny and I’m not going to argue with the mystical butt signal. When we stopped competing with each other and worked together, we accomplished something neither of us could accomplish alone.  I reckon that we can keep doing that on a permanent basis.  So, what do you say, Glimmy?  You said you wanted to make a difference and I’m giving you that opportunity.”

Starlight raised her head proudly.  “I accept your offer, Your Highness.  And it’s Starlight, not Glimmy.”

I smirked.  “As you wish, Glim Glam.  As you have accepted the condition of amnesty, all remaining charges have now been dropped.  Upon completion of your penalty, you will begin working with me immediately.”

“Which penalty?”

“Your favorite meal, remember?”

She gaped at me for a long moment. “You were serious about that?”

I grinned and nodded.

“With all due respect, Your Highness, you’re an ass.”

I chuckled.  “No, I’m now your royal pain in the ass.  Enjoy your meal, Advisor Glimmer.”


# # # # # # # # #