//------------------------------// // She's All Yak // Story: A Dream // by totallynotabrony //------------------------------// I guess I’d never really looked at the castle ceiling. You’d think, considering how much time I spent on the couch, but I usually wasn’t awake. Unfortunately, looking at a ceiling was all I had to distract me from the shrink session Twilight was trying to put me through. “So tell me how this all began,” she said. “You’re going to have to be more specific. I already told you about my world, my actual world, and also the one I originally came from.” “What do you think is the root of your current situation?” “Again, that’s pretty broad.” “You have to start talking somewhere.” I thought about it. “I mean, externally? I’m going to blame Karl Marx. Nothing personal against him, but that’s kind of the root of that category of problem.” “Just that category?” “Sure. My communism problem.” “What about other categories?” I thought on it. What the hell, I was already here, I might as well open up a little. “In terms of other problems...I guess I have a people problem.” “I can agree with that.” I shot her a look. “You should, because it’s you.” Twilight made an annoyed noise, and looked like she wanted to be angry if she wasn’t currently my therapist. “And why do you feel that way? I let you stay here rent free.” She frowned as if she only just realized that was what she was doing. “What is it about me that you dislike? Am I annoying?” “No, Pinkie is annoying.” “Do I smell or something?” “Applejack does, but it’s because she works hard, so I let it slide.” “Do I insult your intelligence?” “No, but I insult Rainbow’s intelligence.” “Then what is it? Why do you have a problem with me?” Huh. “You know...I’ve never really questioned it, I just go with my gut. I’ve always kind of felt mildly antagonistic to you. Maybe it’s because you inherently seek to understand things, and those that you don’t, you try to control. You’re always, ‘Valiant, don’t do things.’” “And with your track record, you shouldn’t!” “See, there you go.” Hearing the barb in my words, Twilight forced herself to calm down. “Anypony would disagree with your methods.” “I don’t live with just anypony.” She considered that for a moment, tenting her hooves in front of her mouth. “What if you got a job so you could pay for your own place?” “I prefer entrepreneurship, and the market hasn’t come to me yet. But why should I bother if my goal is to leave this universe as soon as possible?” “What I used part of my royal stipend to get you your own place?” “I’d probably spend the money on something irresponsible. Besides, in the other universe, I did have my own place, but you were still like ‘Valiant, don’t do things.’” Twilight shook her head and turned to her notes. “So we’ve gone through two categories of your problems. Were there any others?” “Um, yeah, actually. I can think of one more.” She gestured with her quill to continue. “So...a long time ago I had this one ex girlfriend.” “You mentioned that you had, er, many.” That was one way of putting it. “Anyway, you may remember that I’m from Milwaukee, Wisconsin. For a while there, I decided to try my luck north of the border. You, uh, also have some notes on a few of those.” Twilight flipped some pages in her notebook. “There were some voice act-” “Moving on,” I said. “There was a Canadian ski instructor. We were actually together for quite a while. One of my top three longest, in fact. For a while we lived like happy nomads. I followed her, and she followed the snow.” “One winter, we were in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. I was getting the feeling that maybe we were coming to a crossroads. I’d seen it happen a lot before and knew the warning signs.” “A bad breakup?” Twilight said. “What? No, I’m talking about an actual crossroads. She was a horrible driver.” Twilight had been taking notes all this time. She paused to roll her eyes and gestured for me to go on. “Anyway, at about this time, and for this same reason, I’d gotten really into traffic circles. Now, on Earth, we didn’t have magic, but in a place like Equestria where ‘a demon of the crossroads’ could be literal, I bet it could be a great thing. It would not only eliminate the crossroad and create a circle to trap magical creatures, but it would also do its intended purpose of keeping vehicle traffic flowing. It’d be win-win.” “How do your plans for modifying Equestria’s road infrastructure relate to the story you were telling?” “Oh right. Anyway, my ex was bad at driving and so I was really enthusiastic about traffic circles. I was in a bar at Lake Tahoe one night talking to this guy about them. He gave me his business card and said I should talk to him about my proposal when he got back from his vacation. Then he died, so there went that plan.” “Is that part of the story?” “It is, actually.” “What happened to him?” “My ex got confused at an intersection on the trail while teaching him to ski and he crashed into a tree.” “Do you feel guilty about it? Is that why you are the way you are?” “Why should I? I didn’t have anything to do with it.” I shook my head. “No, the problem came a little later. I attempted to install a traffic circle in the cemetery where they buried him. It was partly in his honor, it was partly to ensure that the world would be just a little bit safer, and I admit, I was kind of hoping I could use the circle to summon him back to life. Of course, it didn’t work. No magic on Earth.” “Is that what you feel guilty about?” “Why do you keep asking me if I’m guilty about something? I’m trying to describe a problem I have with my life.” “Just assuming.” “Anyway, as you may expect, people don’t take kindly to heavy construction in the middle of a cemetery and this guy had known a lot of powerful people. Worse, it was the same cemetery were Frank Sinatra was buried, so I had the Rat Pack after me, too.” “I don’t know who that is, but I’m guessing some kind of celebrity?” “Yeah. It was really complicated. Fortunately, because I’m the kind of guy who could get into a celebrity cemetery with a bulldozer, I’m also the kind of guy who could get out. Unfortunately, there were a line of cars of people paying respects outside and I crushed a couple with the bulldozer.” Twilight opened her mouth to ask a question, but I kept going to preempt her. “There was a nice limo down at the end of the street. Not seeing anyone around, I jumped off the bulldozer and hid behind it. I was planning to just act like I’d dropped some loose change or something and walk away like I was a casual bystander.” “Anyway, the limo’s door opens and hits me. This woman gets out and says, ‘Watch it.’ I look up at her from where I had fallen on the sidewalk and I’m like, ‘Oh my God, are you Cher?’” There was a moment of silence. “Anyway, that’s what happened,” I said. Twilight blinked. “Wait, what? Who was it?” “It was Cher.” “So...you recognized this person?” “Yeah, and she’s been after me ever since then.” “For recognizing her?” “No, for praying to a God other than her. Cher’s kind of territorial about that.” “Valiant, you could have cut that story by ninety percent!” she shook her notebook at me. “Well, we already established that I have a problem with annoying you.” I turned my head and saw Twilight grinding her teeth. I smiled to myself. And the beat goes on. “Still...I’ve never told anyone this before. So, thank you, Twilight. It does feel good to get it off my chest.” I stood up from the couch and pulled out my obsidian knife. “That’s why I have to kill you now.” With reflexes I wouldn’t have thought a book nerd like Twilight possessed, she fired a panic shot of magic. I saw purple, and then I saw nothing. What seemed like a modest time passed. It was probably a couple seconds. Sounds and colors started to come back. A scene came into focus, and I could hear music. I was surrounded by children. I was wearing an ill-fitting suit. It looked like we were in a darkened gym. How the hell had I ended up at prom? Thank God it wasn’t mine, at least, though I was kind of disappointed that I was still in Equestria. I glanced around as the kids danced, recognizing most of them. There were posters on the wall for something called a Fetlock Fete. There was an added note that in the spirit of multi-species inclusiveness, this event was instead being called the Amity Ball. Ugh, still. School dances. The worst. I saw Spike sitting behind a DJ booth wearing a giant papier-mâché version of his own head. I don’t know why they didn’t just get Vinyl Scratch to do the music, but maybe she was getting to be too expensive for a school dance. I walked over to him and said, “What the hell?” over the volume of the music. It helped that Spike was sitting behind the speakers. He glanced at me. “You’re going to have to be more specific.” “This is the first time I’ve ever woken up someplace without drinking the night before.” “Oh. You know, I don’t remember you being here earlier.” Spike shrugged. “Hmm.” Talking with Spike a little more, I learned that it was the same date, just a few hours later. What might have transpired since Twilight blasted me in the library, I had no idea. Maybe she’d tried to cast her time travel spell to get away from me, but on the spur of the moment accidentally sent me to the future. That didn’t explain where the suit had come from, though. As I checked myself over, I also noticed a small jingly bell in my pocket with a note attached to it. Strange. “Am I supposed to be a chaperone or something?” I said. Spike shrugged. “I think we have plenty of teachers here. We even invited the Ponyville school. A lot of the students from there started coming here anyway.” Now that he said that, I spotted Cheerilee across the room. “Um, Spike, is Cheerilee a vampire in this universe?” “Cheerilee was a vampire in your universe!? That’s so awesome!” “I’ll take that as a no. Also, not as much as you’d think.” I stood there for a couple of seconds, and then shrugged. It had been a quite a while since I’d been able to have to normal conversation with Cheerilee and I wondered how different this version of her would be. Though, to be fair, she didn’t really like me even before she became a vampire. Eh. Maybe if in this universe she’d had more time just being a teacher she was more up on academics and could help figure out what Twilight’s spell had done. I walked over. Then I got trampled by Yona who was trying to do a pony dance and failing hard at it.