And so there you all were, inside the belly of the beast, Ganon’s Tower. The main hall of the tower was actually rather simplistic. All the walls were a dreary jet black, as was the ceiling, and before you was a floor panel protected by a magical barrier of some sort, as three floating gems, colored red, green, and blue, floated around the barrier. Indeed, these three crystals seemed to be generating the barrier itself, and they themselves were protected by barriers representative of their colors. Under the barriers were a beam of energy that went down and then across the floor, each leading to a door that had Ganon’s mug as a frame.
But of course, the first word out of anyone, was Jackapple, who was bitching about the chainmail armor, small kite shield, and sword she was carrying around. “Why do ah gotta carry around all this junk? I’m a farmer pony gosh darn it, I let my hooves do the talkin’”
“And why are you complaining, Jackapple? We’re the ones who have to deal with your dumb name. Seriously, you couldn’t have come up with anything better?” Captain Wuz whined at her, finding her name unoriginal and boring. “Even I put some effort into mine. All you did was swap your syllables, very unimaginative indeed.”
“That’s because none of you were gonna let me keep mah name, which is a fine name, by the way. Now where is this Ganon feller? I got a bone to pick with him.” Jackapple retorted, looking around for the villain you all sought.
“Dunno, this whole place is kinda different than what we’re used to.” Garbuncle said as he looked around. “But I’m guessing that floor panel in the barrier has something to do with it, it's probably some sort of teleport pad or something. Question is, how do we disable the barrier?”
Of course, you already figured this one out. It was pretty obvious given your extensive video game knowledge. “We gotta knock out those crystals. But we can’t even do that until we clear each room that represents its color. And given the colors are the same as our weapons, I’ll bet a million bits that each challenge has to do with wisdom, courage, and power. So everypony, which challenge should we tackle first?”
“Well, I say we do wisdom first. We’re still tired after that big fight outside and I bet power probably has another big idiot for us to face. Plus, we’re all super smart, especially my An- er, Conan… Er… I mean Conan is pretty smart for a barbarian.” Moonlight says, with confidence both in her mind and heart, and especially, in you.
Wuz just snickers at Jackapple for a moment, catching her attention. She just looks at him and says “And what’s so funny? You makin’ fun of her slip up, Discord?”
Wuz immediately went from amused to a little peeved as he looked down at the paladin knight. “No… What, you didn’t catch it?”
“Catch what?” Jackapple said, unamused at whatever seemed to hit his funny bone.
“ANOTHER big idiot? As in, the original idiot issss…” Wuz begins to roll his arms at her, pointing at her to try to get her to realize that she was in fact, the first big idiot, but she just wasn’t getting it.
“You? Oh, ha!” Jackapple snickers “Ah get it, cuz you’re the biggest out of all of us. Makes sense to me now.”
Wuz just grips his talons and paw together in frustration, then points to Jackapple “As in you! You’re the big idiot!”
“Now that don’t make a lick of sense and you know it. I ain’t the one who trapped us here, and I ain’t bigger than you, so clearly she was talkin’ about the biggest one in this here room. Now let’s not waste time, you hear? We gotta go do whatever challenge they were talkin’ about.” Jackapple says in a dismissive tone as she begins to follow the rest of the group into the blue marked door. The rest of the party had already decided to move on, and had paid no attention to the little quarrel between the archer and the paladin.
Wuz just groaned to himself, slapping his paw to his face. “I...Ngh… Grr…. Uggggh…” He had no retort, he was just bemused by it all. And so, without a way to counter Jackapple’s misunderstanding, he too just follows the rest of the group into the chamber beyond the door.
Within the chamber was a similar looking room to the first, only this time there were no other doors other than the one you all came through. only three large stone tablets hovered side by side in mid air and some sort of blue colored magical generator seemed to be in the room. Though, as the last of you step through the door, it suddenly snaps shut as some sort of constant beeping noise suddenly fills the room.
“Oh geez! It’s a trap! How did we not think to check for one of those?!” Garbuncle said in a sudden panic as he looked back at the door, and gave it a kick to try to reopen it. “Were we supposed to figure out which one was the right door?! Are we doomed?!”
You already knew that wasn’t the case. It was probably just the usual Zelda puzzle on some kind of invisible timer. And given these floating tablets, the solution most likely has to do with solving them. “It’s not a trap… Well, it kinda is, but it’s a trap with a solution. Relax, all we gotta do is figure out what these tablets are all about and solve them.”
“Solve em, hm? What do they even say?” Jackapple said as she approached one of them, and squinted her eyes as she began to read the one in the middle. “What shows your reflection, and yet cannot be placed. It gives life, but takes it away if you pass through it. What? What’s all this malarkey?”
Wuz rolls his eyes as he approaches the tablet “Its obviously a riddle. It seems all three of these tablets hold riddles for us to solve. So I’d suggest we all start thinking before that timer goes off. Now, given my skills, I already have the riddle somewhat sol-” But Wuz is suddenly cut off by Garbuncle, who immediately announces his own answer.
“Its water!” He announces. “It’s gotta be! It sounds close to a riddle the Power Ponies had to solve to beat 'The Puzzler'!”
“Water? Puh, how could that possib-” But again, Wuz is interrupted as the tablet suddenly crumbles, which in turn causes him to react in disbelief. “B-ly… be… W-w… Ok then. But this next one is mine. Let’s see. What has no hinges, no lock, no-”
But you then cut off Wuz as you stand proud and smug, proclaiming that the answer is… “Egg.”
“Egg? I didn’t even…” But again, the tablet crumbles, further irritating the archer. “How?! I mean, from him… How?”
“Wow, Anon!” Moonlight said with a cheer, impressed enough to come over and give you a gentle nuzzle. “You’re a genius! how did you figure it out so quick?”
“I read it in…. Uh, I mean… It was just obvious.” You had to thank J. R. R Tolkien for that one. Oh yeah, sweet sweet nuzzles.
Wuz’s eye was twitching, but he wouldn’t let himself be defeated this time! He looks over to the last tablet, clears his throat, and says “Aha! This one seems the most difficult. But worry not fellow adventurers, Captain Wuz has got this one. Now then, let’s see… A strong chain that binds two together, and yet it is flimsy should the two become apart. And even still, the chain will remain strong no matter the distance… WHAT IN THE WORLD DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?! I’m the master of all things chaos and yet somehow that makes no sense to me! And so…” Wuz just falls on his ass, looking blank faced as he realizes his own failure. “We’re doomed.”
“Oh Daddy Discord, I know you know that one, because without it, you wouldn’t be Anon’s father… And without that chain, he wouldn’t be my coltfriend either. I get it though, you want me to solve it. The answer is love!” Moonlight announces adorably, causing the last of the tablets to crumble to dust. With all three tablets destroyed, the beeping noise stopped, the generator in the center of the room falls apart, and the door clicked again with the sound of a lock becoming unlocked.
“Woah… Did we do it?” Garbuncle asked as he tapped the remains of the generator.
“Ah ain’t hearin’ that beep noise anymore, I guess that means we done it. Huh…” Jackapple began to ponder to herself as she looked to the now victorious party. Although she herself didn’t participate in solving any of the riddles, it did seem… kind of fun to have to try to figure them out on a time limit. “Ah guess that wasn’t too bad neither. Kinda… lookin’ forward to seein’ what’s up next. If only because it’ll get us closer to buckin’ that Ganon into next week.” Of course, due to her pride, she didn’t want to admit that any of this seemed fun to her.
“Well, since that went by so fast, why don’t we do courage next? We’re already super brave and stuff, so it should be no problem. C’mon, lets go everypony!” Garbuncle says as he waves his arm, leading everyone through the door to the next challenge.
However, Wuz kind of just stood there, looking forlorn at the events that had just occurred. It prompted you to stop, and take a few steps back to check on him. “Discord, you alright? You’re looking pretty down all of a sudden.”
“Me, down? W-why would I be down? Certainly not over the fact that I, the master of chaos and riddles, somehow wasn’t able to solve a single one. No, I’m perfectly alright with how embarrassing that situation was. Why would you even think I was ‘down’ about it?” Wuz says, sounding rather broken up, his demeanor being rather shallow and transparent to even you.
“Well, I mean, aside from that one riddle you got the mane six with, I didn’t really get you as a riddle SOLVING type of guy.” You say, which immediately gets an aggressive look shot at you. “Ok, ok, maybe you are. But come on, obviously you are at least a little rusty. And well, the first one Spike got from a comic, me from… I admit I got it from a book… Don’t tell Diamond that though. And Diamond probably got it because she’s really into this whole ‘love’ thing. So yeah, it was kind of stacked against you.”
“You think so? So are you saying had you all not known the answers already, I’d have been able to solve them all? Thus proving my superiority over all of you?” Discord said, as his eyes began to shimmer with hope.
“W-well, I didn’t say-” But before you could finish your sentence, Discord just stood up and walked past you, stuck in his own self-admiration.
“Oh yes, that certainly is it. I truly am the best, as if I’d ever somehow not be able to solve something Anon could. He’s such a boob sometimes, a lovable boob, my boob, but still a boob” He said to himself as he walked out of the room.
“Gnh….ugh… Man, shit… “ Goddammit, why does he always ALWAYS do that?! That fuck couldn’t even figure out the third riddle anyway! As if he’d ever be able to figure out any riddle having to do with love and caring. Sheesh, what an ass.
With one room cleared, you all made your way into the chamber of courage. This room was even emptier than the last, with it only being a short thin hallway to the green magical shield generator. Like before, the door closes shut behind you all and locks up tight. However, with nothing visibly wrong, it didn’t really seem like too scary a room.
“So what? Do we just walk up to it? Like, have faith and move forward without hesitating or something? Because I don’t see any other kind of trap in the room. Weird too, I was expecting at least some sort of puzzle.” Really, you would have expected a tough puzzle challenge rather than a walk of faith. It was a game, after all, there really was nothing to lose by simply walking forward.
“Are you sure about that, Conan? This room could be full of traps. I dunno, since it's based off Moonlight’s weapon anyway, maybe she should check things out.” Garbuncle cautions as he eyes around the room, not trusting its rather simplistic look.
“Me? I can look for traps too?” Moonlight asks, unsure as to why she’d be able to do that.
“Yeah, you’re a thief. Thieves have a natural ability to sniff out traps. And since there is obviously a trap, you’re the filly for the job! Come on, give it a try! And don’t worry, even if you accidentally trip one, it's all because of the game itself. Better to take a risk then just accidentally trip an obvious trap anyway, right?” Garbuncle reassures her. He was right too, if there was some sort of trap, then it’d probably be better to detect it rather than risking just walking forward.
“Yeah, I guess that makes sense. Ok, step back everypony, I’ll figure this out!” And so Moonlight steps forward, keeping a keen eye open for any levers, pressure plates, or false bottoms while positioning her ears to catch any sounds that sounded off. And despite expertly surveying the area, she notices there is nothing around that could trigger a trap. “Hmmm… I don’t think there’s a trap at all. I dunno what it is, but I’m super sure I don’t see or hear anything.”
“...But she just looked around, she didn’t touch nothin’ or really look at anything. How do we really know there ain’t no traps?” Jackapple asked, perplexed that Moonlight’s mere looking about could uncover anything. "I've been in a trap filled castle before, so ah know about these sorts of things."
“Ughhh…” Wuz groaned as he walked over to Moonlight “Sorry to break immersion, but the ‘paladin’ here still doesn’t seem to understand how this game works. Every important action is decided by dice rolls, and our little wonder here just scored a twenty.” He says as he gives Moonlight a congratulatory pat. "I checked myself."
“A twenty what? Y’all didn’t really explain too much about how all this works.” Jackapple said, still utterly confused.
“Soooooooooooo dense.” Wuz said in a sing song kind of way as he pointed towards the shield generator. “It means, and I put this as simply as I can, that by the game’s rules, she looked over the area with perfect precision. Meaning, there are no traps to BY THE GRIZZLY UNDERBELLY OF TARTARUS, WHAT IS THAT?!” Wuz jumps back in surprise, grabbing Moonlight along with him when a giant wall of green flaming fury suddenly appeared in front of the generator… And began slowly sliding towards the party like a moving wall.
“What?! I thought I rolled a twenty! You said I rolled a twenty!” Moonlight shouted in a panic as she looked up at Wuz, upset that somehow her perfect roll didn’t detect whatever trap was set off. “What happened?!”
“I don’t know! Quick, does somepony have anything that ca… Oh what am I saying!? Garbuncle, now would be a good time for a mass teleport!” Wuz said, even he knowing that this situation couldn't be dealt with.
“On it!” Garbuncle holds his staff up in the air to teleport the team back to the previous room, but all he ends up doing is teleporting his staff instead. “...Oh boy”
“... Did you just! DID YOU JUST?! HOW COULD YOU ROLL A ONE AFTER SHE ROLLED A TWENTY! ARE YOU SERIOUS?! OK, I CALL FREAKIN’ SHENANIGANS, THIS GAME IS RIGGED!” You shout out. How in the fucking hell can there be a one after a twenty?! How did the twenty even fail?! Is this really how the adventure is going to end? Boiled alive by a fire wall?!
“... What in the wide wide world of Equestria has gotten into y’all? I don’t see nothin’.” Jackapple said, just looking utterly confused as to what was going on. The hell?! What, did she think she could buck that wall into next week?! What a fucking idiot loon she was.
“Uhhhh, DO YOU NOT SEE THE GIANT GREEN FIRE WALL THAT’S ABOUT TO BURN US ALL ALIVE?!” You yell out at her, pointing at the ever encroaching death wall.
“Uhhh… No?” Jackapple says as she begins to walk forward towards the wall. “Ahh dunno if y’all are pullin’ mah leg, because ah don’t see nothin wrong. Unless y’all don’t think I know how dice work. Ah do know how to play games too, y’know?”
“APPLEJACK! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! SERIOUSLY, THIS ISN’T THE TIME TO BE STUBB-APPPPLLEEEJJJAACCKKK!” Garbuncle screamed in horror, trying to rush over to grab Jackapple as she walks into the wall and is instantly devoured by the green flames.
Moonlight just looked on in horror, then hid her face into Wuz’s chest to avoid whatever horrors that might come with a pony burning alive.
“Did she just…” She really did, she just ended herself right then, right there. How the fuck could she-
“Are y’all comin’ or not? Gettin tired of yer games, ah just wanna get out of here already. Got a Ganon that needs a butt whuppin' and I don't wanna keep him waitin'.” Said the voice of Jackapple…. As it came from behind the flaming wall.
“What in the… Applejack?! Where are you?!” Garbuncle called out to her, confused as to how she was able to talk.
“Ain’t it Jackapple? Ugh, ah really dunno how this all works. I’m just gonna smash this thing and move on to that next door.” She said, as a large smashing sound came from behind the wall. Suddenly, the door behind you all unlocks as the wall just… vanishes. Hell, she just walks past the group and just… leaves the room, too impatient to wait for everyone else. Leaving a now broken down generator in her wake.
“Uhhhh… What just happened?” Garbuncle asked, utterly perplexed at what he just saw. “Shouldn’t she be… Y’know… And what happened to the wall?”
Wuz slowly put Moonlight down, and just stared into the eternal abyss that was the nonsense that was going on during this campaign. “I… Don’t know either… Unless… Hmm...”
“... M-maybe… Umm…” Moonlight looked back near the door, and tapped her hoof down on the ground, creating a rather deep sounding tap that sounded as if some of the ground was hollow. “I did kind of notice that the ground here was weird, but since it didn’t have any kind of trap, I felt it wasn’t worth mentioning. It wasn’t a trap, right?”
You look back on the ground, and give it a tap yourself. Was this a latch? Was it supposed to open at some point? Why would it… “Oh god…” Suddenly, it hit you, your eyes go wide as saucers when you realized the retardation of it all. The wall wasn’t a trap, it was just an illusion that was probably created by the shield generator. The floor, it was supposed to open after the illusion got close. But it wasn’t this realization that baffled you. It was...
Illusion
Fake
Zelda
Fake Wall
Applejack
Element of Honesty
Couldn’t see the wall
Saw right through it with her eyes
Saw the truth
Through her eyes
Eyes of truth
Lens… Of truth.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING?! DID FUCKING APPLEJACK AUTOMATICALLY GET AN INNATE ABILITY TO SEE THROUGH ILLUSIONS BECAUSE ‘HUR DUR, HONEST HORSE’. ARE YOU JOKING?! HOLY FUCK! WHAT IN THE GODDAMN SHIT WAS THAT?! DID YOU ALL SERIOUSLY GET OUTPLAYED BY THE MOST BORING FUCKING HORSE IN EQUESTRIA BECAUSE SHE LITERALLY HAD THE POWER OF A ZELDA ITEM?! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! THAT PISSES YOU OFF SO GODDAMN MUCH! THAT WAS JUST NONSENSICAL. HELL, YOU COULD FEEL IT, THE RAW ANGER YOU FELT THAT YOU SOMEHOW LET A FUCKING, STUPID ASS, AND MORONIC ZELDA PUZZLE OUTPLAY YOU. ROOM OF COURAGE! YOU HAD THE RIGHT IDEA, JUST WALK FORWARD! GODDDAAAMMMMIIITTTTT!
“W-woah, A-anon, you alright?” Garbuncle asks cautiously as he taps your back.
You were so out of it that you hadn’t noticed everyone had already left the room, Garbuncle staying behind to retrieve you. “W-what?! Huh? Spike? W-where is everypony?”
“They went back to the main hall, dude. Diamond got worried too, but I told her you were doing an inventory check to calm her down. You ok?” Garbuncle asks again, calming down now that you seemed so lucid.
“Just… J-just… I mean, we just kind of got bamboozled. I even figured out how she did it, and it’s sooooo stupid!” You whined, like fucking damn, the explanation for it is soooo dumb!
“Yeah, Discord explained it already. Turns out she got an innate ability like your iron head. Yeah, he kinda had a mental break down of his own and looked at her skill list. Poor guy, I know how he is, he just wants to pull one win out of this adventure and it keeps giving him the slip. Pretty funny though, right? Saved our skins for s-GYAH! ANON!?” But you were not having any of that shit! It wasn’t funny! You grab onto Garbuncle and begin to shake him as you yell in his face.
“IT ISN’T FUNNY! IT’S DUMB AS BEANS! SHE’S A LITERAL ZELDA ITEM! THAT’S THE WORST PUN I’VE EVER HEARD! YOU HEAR ME?!” You scream out at him, even getting some saliva on his face.
Garbuncle just looks to the left, then right, then slowly moves your hooves away as he takes a step back and wipes his face. “O-oooook. Dunno what you mean by all that, but uhh… Anon? You alright? Or do you need to calm down?... Should I just go? You're really starting to creep me out.”
You just went silent… Of course he wouldn’t know what the fuck you were talking about. Fine! Let Applejack have her little unearned victory. Hell, fuck the last challenge. Ganon, you knew for sure, would be your kill. This time, you’d have victory. A victory that Diamond will look up to as she sees how great you are at killing magical murder pigs. “...Yeah, was just… hit with a mind… thing. I’m ok now.”
“Huh…” Garbuncle looked around as he scratched his head, confused as to what you could mean. “I mean… I didn’t see anything hit you. Then again, I was, erm, a little scared and maybe didn’t notice it. This whole place is a lot different than what you’d see in a typical campaign, so I guess that could have happened. Anyway, I gotta go get my staff back.” He said as he walked over to the door to leave the room.
Oh yeah, with your goddamn axe, you were gonna make some bacon. Fuck this noise.