The smell of crisp apples filled Dusk Shine’s lungs as he carried his load of the fruit down one of the many dirt trails of Sweet Apple Acres. Meanwhile, Spike was riding on his back, checking each apple for quality, and tossing the bad ones aside.
“Thanks fer helping me harvest all these Golden Delicious, Dusk,” said Applejack with her usual confident smile.
“No problem, Applejack,” Dusk said passively. “Why did you need me for this again? I mean, you have your two siblings, and you told me that Applebuck Season isn’t in another week,” he thought out loud.
Applejack shrugged. “It’s fer a bet,” she said.
Nice going, Dusk, he thought. You’ve unknowingly let a pretty face suck you into gambling. “What was the bet?” he asked.
“Well, if Ah bring all these apples to th’ barn by lunchtime, Big Macintosh has ta walk through town wearn’ Granny’s girdles!” laughed Applejack.
“What did you have to do if you lost?” asked Dusk out of curiosity.
Earlier that morning...
“An’ what do Ah hafta do if YOU win?” challenged Applejack. Big Macintosh smiled smugly.
“WHEN Ah win,” he said. “Y’all hafta lie ta Granny Smith fer a day.”
“Easy!” Applejack whooped. “That’s all?”
“Nnope.”
“What?” Applejack was taken out of her thoughts of sweet, early victory. She quickly regained her composure. “Okay partner, what’s th’ catch?” she inquired cautiously.
“Ya gotta tell her that ya got knocked up by that new librarian in town,” said Big Mac with a whisper. AJ gulped as her blood ran cold. If Granny knew that someone was fooling around with HER grandchildren, the culprits would be on the alter within the hour, or six feet under.
“What’s th’ matter, Applejack?” said Big Mac playfully. “You ain’t chicken, ain’tcha?” With that, a fire lit up inside Applejack stomach.
“Ah ain’t never been no chicken, an’ Ah’ll never will!” she roared. “Ya got yerself a bet!”
Present time…
“Nothin’!” said Applejack, scrunching up her nose while her eyes darted side to side.
“Ummmm, okay…” said Dusk, a little suspicious of his friend. “Anyway, I’m really glad that we’re done, I’m starving!”
“I know, right?” Spike agreed. “But I bet that I’m hungrier than both of you combined!”
“Spike, all the work YOU’VE done is lie on my back like an overweight slug,” complained Dusk. “At least you could feed me one of those apples you’ve been throwing away. Half of those are pretty edible!”
“I so too have a reason to be hungry!” Spike argued. “I was so busy working hard, I missed my snack time,” he continued with the upmost belief that this was a completely legitimate and sympathetic reason. “You know, a growing dragon needs his fifteen daily-scheduled snack times!” Dusk was just about to retort when his own stomach growled.
“Let’s just get these to the farm,” the purple unicorn said with a tired expression. “I just want to eat.” Just then, Spike pulled out the reddest, shiniest, most delicious, most perfect-looking apple that Dusk Shine ever seen in his life. It was like one of those moments in time when the world just stopped and admired this one absolutely perfect thing, just because none of the rest of its kind could ever compare to-*CRUNCH*
Spike ate the whole apple in one disgusting chomp. Dusk said nothing, just glaring at his surrogate brother with momentous levels of contempt.
“…What?” Spike said obliviously, chunks of the apple still visible in his mouth. As if to break the tension, he suddenly burped, and with a burst of magical flame, a scroll with Celestia’s royal seal materialized.
Just then, the sky darkened, thunder rumbled, and what little hope of Dusk Shine had of escaping his impending doom failed shriveled up and died as his fate was sealed.
“Did you just feel something?” asked Dusk Shine to nopony in particular.
“Nope,” said Applejack. “Jus’ some odd weather.” Spike shrugged as he read the newest letter from the princess:
My dearest student,
As you know, the Grand Galloping Gala is coming around again, and as always, you’re invited to come. I also presume that neither you nor Spike wants to come, claiming once again that “this kind of stuff is for pansies like Blueblood.” But this year is very, very different.
Because it is this kind of behavior that has been obstructing you from making friends. It is MANDITORY that you attend the Gala this year. However, Spike does not have to come if does not wish, for it is you whom has primarily had this issue. He can still come if he so desires (although I suspect that this is unlikely), but just in case, I have changed the invitation from “Dusk Shine & Spike de Draco” to “Dusk Shine, plus date.”
With love,
Princess Celestia of Equestria
“Plus WHAT???” exclaimed Dusk Shine. “That has to be some kind of typo! I’ve never been on a date in my entire life!”
“Big surprise,” Spike muttered. “Anyway, it sucks donkey balls to be you, because there is no way I’m gonna be caught dead at that snoozefest, much less as your DATE.” He laughed at that last part. “No offense Dusk, but the Spike-daddy doesn’t swing that way.”
“Priorities, Spike!” shouted Dusk Shine. “No matter how much I don’t want to go to that fru-fru Gala, I still need a date. Didn’t you hear the Princess? It’s mandatory!”
“Ah could be yer date,” suggested Applejack. The silence was so deafening, you could hear a pin drop. Finally, Dusk found the will to speak.
“WHAAAAAAAAT??????!!!!!”
“Well, not a date-date,” Applejack managed to say before Dusk Shine’s panic levels reached nuclear. “Ya see, mah family’s in a mighty tight money problem…”
At the Gala, Applejack’s perspective…
Everpony knows that anypony who’s anypony goes to the Grand Galloping Gala. Even at an invitation-only event, the Gala holds a guest list of roughly 1,800 visitors, each with their pockets full of bits and their stomachs growling.
And that’s where I come in.
If I were to open up just one stand, every single one of those uptight billionaires would line up to get some homemade Apple family love, edible edition. My family will be practically swimming in their bits. They may even like my cooking so much; they might want to open a trading contract, just like the Rich family!
Why, with all that money, we could really fix up the place, like replacing that saggy old roof on the barn, that saggy old plow, and we could even pay fer Granny’s hip operation! Think about it, Dusk! She could dance the night away again! If you want, we could even give some money to charity, so the school and library could have some new fancy-schmancy learning stuff!
“Well, that does sound pretty nice, when you put it that *oof!*” Dusk Shine was cut off from his sentence with Rainbow Dash crashing between him and AJ.
“Sorry guys,” the daredevil apologized. “I was busy trying out this totally awesome new stunt, and I couldn’t help but overhear something about the Grand Galloping Gala!”
“…You were napping in the tree above us, weren’tcha?” said Applejack suspiciously.
“…Maybe.”
“Darn it, Rainbow!” exclaimed Applejack in frustration. “Ya told me that you were too busy ta help me out in th’ harvest! And here Ah catch ya sleeping on MAH OWN PROPERTY!!”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash snapped. “You think it’s easy being the most radical thing alive?” She paused for a moment, and then continued. “Actually, it’s a walk in the park for me. But whenever I do something extra cool (like save Equestria for instance, or chug a whole barrel of Zap Apple Cider in one sitting), I have to recharge a little.” Applejack rolled her eyes in response.
“Ah still stand by mah point,” she deadpanned. “Besides, didn’t yer momma ever tell ya not ta spy on other ponies?”
“Be quiet AJ,” shushed Rainbow Dash. “The cool ponies are talking.” She turned to Dusk. “So, tickets to Canterlot, huh?”
“W-well…” said Dusk nervously. “I was just going to take Applejack to the Grand Galloping Gala because she wants open up this stand-”
“Her?” cut off Rainbow Dash. “Why settle for a semi-rad stiff like her when you could take a fully-awesome superstar like the one talking to you?”
“Pardon?!” interjected Applejack, fury blazing in her green eyes. “Last Ah recall, Dusk asked ME. An’ jus’ what do you plan on doin’ at th’ Gala, anyhow? Seein’ yer ‘Wonderbolts’ fly around with their stupid lil’ tricks?”
“One: If you dare to call the Wonderbolts ‘stupid’ again, I will sneak into your barn at a random night, and kill you in your sleep,” said Rainbow Dash, struggling to keep herself from strangling the farmer. “Second:” her voice rising to a squee, “I’m not just gonna WATCH them, I’m gonna JOIN them!”
At the Gala, Dash-O-Vision edition (complete with a classic soundtrack)…
The Wonderbolts would dazzle the crowd, as always. With everypony watching them, the audience would have no idea what several flavors of awesome would shower them with her presence. Suddenly, a lone rainbow-colored streak in the sky would flash as a speeding object would break the Wonderbolt’s performance. Who is that? WHAT is that?
It’s just me, Rainbow Dash! The crowd would erupt in cheers at my several custom-made flying tricks. And boy, I’d show all of them! From the Super-Speed Strut to the Buccaneer’s Blitz, the crowd would go wild at every single stunt. They would love me so much; they would get a smoke machine and a laser show, just to make me look more awesome! After being blown away with my performance, the Wonderbolts will welcome me into their ranks with open hooves.
“Hey, Rainbow Dash!” my nerd would call out. “I think you’re the coolest thing EVER, even though I so don’t deserve you!”
“Thanks,” I’d say nonchalantly (whatever that means). “But you’re wrong, Dusk. In fact, I think I’ll lower my standards just this once, just to hang out with you a while.”
“R-r-r-r-really?” he’d stutter in a kind of cute way.
“Sure, why not?” I’d answer. “But let’s make this quick, I just got accepted into the Wonderbolts, and I don’t wanna keep them waiting.”
“Golly!” he’d blurt out, practically orgasming. “Thanks, Dash!”
“No biggie.” And then we’d have mind-blowingly awesome sex on the spot, thus immortalizing him as my first groupie.
You may turn off the soundtrack now, provided your brain hasn’t melted from the very hottness of what you’ve just read.
“Rainbow, that there’s th' silliest story Ah’ve ever heard,” Applejack said, pulling Dash out of her fantasy. “Th’ Wonderbolt don’t even perform at th’ Gala! Besides, he asked me first, ain’t that right Dusk?”
“Technically Applejack, you kinda asked me,” corrected Dusk. “And I’m not sure if you can go without ponies seeing us as a couple.”
“Yeah! So the ticket’s mine!” added Rainbow Dash.
“Oh, yeah?” said Applejack, her anger rising. “Well, Ah challenge ya ta a hoof-wrassle fer it!”
“Bring it, Blondie!” And with that, the two mares were locked in a ruthless combat, with the grand arena being a nearby stump. Each pony was instantly pressed to their physical limits as Celestia’s mighty sun beat down on them. Truly, this was a hoof-wrestle for the ages! Unfortunately, the winner would not be determined because of Dusk breaking the two up.
“Stop!” he shouted. “Isn’t it MY decision to take who I choose? Neither me nor my ticket is a prize to won!”
“Yeah, it is,” Applejack disagreed.
“Yeah, you are,” said Rainbow Dash at the same time.
“Well, you’re both wrong!” said Dusk stubbornly. He immediately wanted to take what he said back when both of the glowering mares disregarded him and stared down each other, ready to start a no-holds-barred beatdown, possibly involving him. Three whole minutes passed, and not a word was spoken. The tension was so thick; you could cut it with a knife. Finally, Spike cleared his throat.
“Don’t you think we’d have better luck discussing this AFTER lunch?” he pointed out meekly.
Spike, you’re a life-saver, thanked Dusk Shine silently. “Good idea, Spike. I’ll get back to you on that Gala ticket after lunch girls, I promise.” He walked away.
AJ looked at Dash. Dash looked at AJ. They nodded simultaneously. They knew what must be done. Both athletes clasped hooves once more, and resumed the Unofficial Epic Hoof-Wrestle of Destiny That Will Finally Prove I’m Better Than Her, or for short: UEHWODTWFPIBTH.
Dusk Shine trotted in the direction of his favorite restaurant. All the while, Spike was nagging him like a puppy that suspected that you had food on you.
“So who’s gonna be your little date?” he teased over and over. Every single time, Dusk refused to answer.
“I don’t know!” the purple unicorn hollered after Spike’s 104th consecutive attempt to get an answer out of him. “If I pick one of them, the other will eat me for breakfast! I’m land-locked! My hooves are tied!” he ranted.
“Slow down, Dusk!” halted Spike. “It’s not the end of the world.”
“Well, I guess you’re right, Spike,” sighed Dusk. “I mean, it’s only two mares. How can it get any worse?”
Out of the blue, Dusk felt a huge *CRACK * of force applied to the back of his head, then complete darkness.
When Dusk Shine came to, he smelled the stench of rotting wood and rusty nails. Blackness suffocated his eyes. He attempted to move, but found out he was strapped to some kind of cement wall.
“Don’t try to use magic, I injected you enough sedatives for it to be useless,” called a familiar voice. Its tone was devoid of all joy; as if some kind of infernal machine sucked a pony dry of any thought of happiness and replaced it with pure hatred & malice of all things good and innocent in the world.
“If you’re looking for money,” Dusk said, his voice cracking with terror of the reality of the situation. “My family is pretty wealthy and they’d be willing to pay a high price for me. Hay, Princess Celestia is even a good friend of mine, and she’ll-”
“I don’t WANT your damn money, you stupid piece of manure!” cut off the voice impatiently. Dusk Shine started crying. He didn’t want to die today! He had so many hopes and dreams he had yet to fulfill!
“W-who are you?” he managed to say.
“You don’t recognize my voice? Shame. Maybe this will help:” the voice rose itself to a high pitch of mock ecstasy. “Hi there! I like to throw parties just to ignore my insecurities and pretend I have real friends! In my spare time, I gorge myself in amounts junk food that’ll probably get me eleven variations of diabetes someday!”
“…Pinkie Pie?” Dusk said in disbelief. Abruptly, Dusk was blinded by burning light as a single light bulb was switched on. In front of him stood Pinkie Pie, her coat now colored a dull off-pink; her completely straight mane hanging down to her knees.
“Pinkie’s gone, Dusk,” she said stoically. “Call me Pinkamena.”