//------------------------------// // Chapter 14 // Story: Friendship Is Magic! ... Unless You Are a Human // by Huk //------------------------------// That afternoon, about 2 PM, Spike and John were in the kitchen chatting, when the door burst open with a loud thud, revealing James with an annoyed expression on his face, and grumbling something under his breath. “Johnny... Next time you want to do your girlfriend a favor, be kind enough and keep me out of it, OK?” James said, closing the door. “She’s not my girlfriend you moron… Besides, you’ve been in the neighborhood anyway, to feed your friend’s animals.” “Wait, who are we talking about here?” Spike said. “Who do you think? Cheerilee, of course.” “Again, she’s not my girlfriend!” “Well, all I know is that when she opened the door – wearing a sexy bathrobe, I might add – she had this little grin on her face, and her cheeks were burning... You should’ve seen the disappointment in those huge, greenish eyes when she realized it was me delivering those papers instead of you, Mr. Romantic…” James grinned. “I bet she wanted to ask you to… flush her overflow pipe... If you know what I mean.” With a stoic expression on his face and a dirty dish in his hand, John let out a sigh. “You have to excuse him, Spike. He was shot in the head... multiple times.” “True as that may be… it doesn’t change the fact that the two of you were snuggling earlier…” John cocked his head in surprise. “Yes, mister ‘I won’t touch pony in my life!’ Celestia and I have seen… everything.” “She just needed a helping hand after the incident, and I offered it. Nothing else happened.” “I know, and that’s the problem! I was hoping you’ll at least hit the second base instead of that... hugging, and crying, and romance, and... blah.” “Didn’t you learn your lesson after what happened with Twilight?” Spike said with a smile. “What happened?” John said. “I… offered to help her with her stacks, and she... agreed.” “Wait a second…” John cocked his head. “Are you saying that you and Twilight were…” James smirked. “Yes, yes, we were! It started slow, but then we went all the way. In and out, in and out… for two days straight! It was glorious.” “Yeah, sure... Spike, he is making that up, right?” “Nope... That really happened. When I walked in they were both a sweaty, panting mess,” John froze at Spike’s remark, shooting him a glare of disbelief and shock. “What? Rearranging the whole library for two days straight is pretty exhausting… Trust me, I know...” “Rearranging... Wait, what?” John realized Spike started smirking. “Good lord, Spike... For a moment I thought they were really... You know…” “Hrmph, I wish... The worst part is that according to my behavioral analyzer she really thought I was talking about library stacks, instead of her… other stacks,” James said shaking his head. “Seriously, she’s gonna marry a book one day... I hope you’ll have better luck with Cheerilee...” “Ugh, here we go again… You forget I’m married, you a-hole.” “If I recall, you told me once that you and your wife had an arrangement that, if one of you dies—” James was interrupted by a cold glare coming from John. “OK, fine, maybe I’m jumping the gun a little.” “That’s an understatement!” “Sorry, man. I’m just... glad you finally made a friend, you know? And Cheerilee is pretty cool...” James paused for a second and smirked. “And hot at the same time—” “Spike, do me a favor and light that idiot up!” “Just try it, and I’m telling Rarity!” James said with a pouting face. “What are you doing here anyway? The dishes?” Spike’s eyes went from the pile of dirty dishes on the left to the clean ones on the right. “How did you guess?” “Must be my psychic power!” “Right… Well, captain psychic – I’m just glad that unlike some other... individuals,” Spike arched his eyebrow, “John is not a lazy type.” James smiled. “Work smart, not hard. That’s my policy, boss—” “I think we’re done here, Spike,” John said, wiping the detergent from his hands. “From what I heard, it’s more like ’work none,’ in your case... You’re just a lazy bum.” “Maybe, but you know what they say – It’s the lazy people who invented the wheel and the bicycle because they didn’t like walking or carrying things. Besides, Celestia is delegating stuff all the time, and nobody is calling her lazy—” “Except for you,” Spike said and smiled. “Then again, I can see what you mean by nobody.” “Hrmph, fuck you…” “Speaking of Celestia,” John opened one of the kitchen cabinets and took out a few centimeters thick, stack of papers. “Would you give that to her?” “What is it? Love letters?” “Only if the ‘Secretary of the Royal Treasury’ is one of her admirers...” “I hope not...” “What? Some handsome stallion?” Spike said with a smile. “No, it’s a she, Spike... If Celestia swings that way, then my chances to score are getting slim.” “I wouldn’t worry about it, man.” “Ah, so you think, she loves me so much that I’m going to score anyway?” John smiled. “Nope... I just think that your chances are already at zero percent, so they can’t get any lower.” “Jeez… thanks for the pep talk…” James smiled sarcastically. “Not only you’re killing my dreams, but you are also stealing my happy hours, John. I got... stuff to do—” “Yes, we know, drinking and touching yourself... Just get the paper to the Princess on the way!” John glanced at Spike with a surprised expression on his face. “What? I’ve been living with him for a few months now, we all know what he’s doing.” “Well, at least I’m not playing with a Rarity sex doll...” “It’s n-not a... sex doll! It’s for c-cuddling!” “It must be one of the ‘glow under black light’ editions, then...” James said with a smirk, making Spike’s cheeks turn as red as a ripe apple. “But don’t worry, Spike – we’re all guys here...” “More like, two guys, and one perv...” “Hey, Johnny, don’t be like that! He’s still a child, cut him some slack... Besides, if you think he’s twisted, then you don’t know about the gals living here...” “Who?” Spike cocked his head. “Starlight?” “You should have seen her bed under UV. She put Jackson Pollock to shame! She always puts a bubble of silence around her, to stop me from hearing anything. But it always gets intermittent at the end...” “Ugh, man, we really don’t need the details!” John shook his head and pointed at the stack of papers. “Are you going to deliver those or not? You can always scan Celestia in the UV mode, while you are there.” James put his hand in the air to protest but started scratching his chin instead. “I like the way you think, Johnny!” He said with a grin, grabbing the papers, and dashing for the doors. “See you later boys, I’ll tell you how it went!” As the door closed shut behind him, John and Spike glanced at each other and sighed in unison. “Spike... do you think there is a chance that Celestia will vaporize him?” “I doubt we’ll get this lucky...” *** Standing in front of Celestia’s chambers, James knocked on the door, but there was no answer. Hmm, maybe she is outside. I just leave it in there. He quietly stepped inside and chuckled to himself. Door with no locks... Real, Royal-Level security... Never before having been in this particular room, he took a moment to look around. The room was larger than Twilight’s bedroom and divided in two by a curved wall – elaborate paintings and decorations hung everywhere. Next to the door stood an elegant, king-size bed, with an equally elegant nightstand. A big vanity table with a huge mirror was on the other side, facing the bed. The other part of the room housed a study desk with a few bookshelves, and a huge window providing an excellent view outside. James whistled in awe. “Damn, Twilight made this place better than Celestia’s quarters in Canterlot. No wonder she doesn’t wanna leave.” With a smile, he put the papers on the nightstand and turned towards the door when something caught his eye. He gaped at the object next to the bed, cocking his head. It was part of Celestia’s regalia, the golden chest piece with a sapphire. If that is here then— A quiet grunt, coming from behind, interrupted his pondering. His eyes shot wide, and he froze. A few milliseconds later, his computerized mind had already calculated a thousand possibilities of how this would end, each with the same conclusion. I’m fucked... As another soft grunt filled the air, he winced and closed his eyes. To the moon in three... two... one... Nothing, no magical blast or even a comment from Celestia. James let out an audible gulp, and very slowly turned around, biting his lip. He expected a bloodthirsty Celestia with glowing red horn, eyes pulsing with energy, and fireballs coming out her ass – ready to tear out his testicles through his throat, but again... nothing. No angry alicorn in sight, no farts of fire, or lasers coming his way. The room was empty, and quiet as a tomb, aside from someone snorting in the— His eyes shot wide again. He cocked his head to readjusted his ear, and a quiet snort filled the air one more time... Turn around, dash out the door, and run like a little girl towards the Everfree, praying he didn’t wake her up. That would have been the smart thing to do, but James wasn’t that smart. With his curiosity getting the better of him, he took a step forward, and another, and another and... He did a double take, blinking a few times just to be sure, but the image stayed the same. Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, leader of the Three Tribes, the almost-immortal goddess with the best tush ever... was lying on the bare floor behind the desk, in a fetal position and out of her regalia. She snuggled her ever-floating mane like a blanket and rested her head on a thick stack of papers, smudging some of them with a light string of drool that was oozing from her open muzzle. The picture changed James’s demeanor in a heartbeat, making him stare in disbelief with a sly grin on his face. “Sir, may I suggest we evacuate the premise immediately?” APE said inside James’s head, snapping him back to reality. “B-but... what if she needs medical attention? We better watch her some more... just to be sure she’s fine.” “Probability assessment indicates that it may end up with you needing medical attention afterward, sir.” “Oh, but she’s so cute... May be worth it—” He stopped when his eyes went from her back to her drooling head... or rather the horn attached to it. “Shall I make an appointment with the doctor Colin O’Scopy now, sir, or should I wait some more?” APE said, sounding as sarcastic as his programming would allow it. James bit his lip, noticing that the sleeping Celestia, choose that moment to put a very evil-looking grin on her face. “Um, I get your point, let’s get out of here before—” That was the moment when the universe decided to demonstrate how much it hates him... Or, maybe the author just needed some cliché plot device? In any case, James’s heart skipped a beat when a string of magic penetrated the window, flew above Celestia, and materialize a moment later into a parchment, smacking her across the face. “APE, I think I will need that appointment after all...” He said as Celestia’s eyes opened... *** Celestia mumbled something and after blinking a few times, noticed the pale-faced James standing a few meters away. “Would you mind explaining why are you in my room?” “I… can explain!” “Good, because that is exactly what I asked,” Celestia stood up, stretching her neck and walked towards her desk. “Well? Do not keep me waiting.” “P-papers! I brought you some papers!” He grabbed the stack from the nightstand and dashed toward the desk, with a speed that would put Rainbow to shame. “I totally didn’t plan to see you naked, honest!” Celestia glanced at the documents in his hands with a deadpan expression, and a second later her face hit the table with a thud. “Thank you... You can leave.” “That’s... not the reaction I was expecting...” “If you want me to disembowel you, that will have to wait... Right now, please leave me alone... unless…” She raised her head with a resigned expression on her face. “You would be kind enough to put me out of my misery?” “Um… sorry, but if I do that, then Luna will be the one to gut me…” “Oh, yes! Because she loves me so much... That is why she is sending me all those lovely papers to deal with...” “More rather, because then she would have to deal with all that crap herself, but... Yeah, you can go with sister’s love...” James said, and Celestia let out a gentle chuckle, tilting her head, only to wince a moment later. “Pain in the neck?” “Only when you are around.” “Funny… that’s not what you were talking in your sleep... It went something like... Oh, James... Oh, James! Oh—” “Oh, James...” Celestia put on a sly grin. “Is it in yet?” James cocked his head arching his eyebrow and smiled sarcastically. “Ouch… You must tell Luna to stop messing with your dreams. Otherwise, you may be in for a huge surprise one day. Besides… it’s not the size, it’s how you use it!” “So I heard... from every underperforming stallion…” Watching Celestia stacking papers on her desk with a smug, James frowned and crossed his arms. “Perhaps they just hit the ‘black hole’ problem...” “Black hole?” “Yeah, you know – even a star feels tiny once it enters a black hole.” Celestia’s smile faltered, and she arched her eyebrow at the grinning human. “I see... However, that was not the case!” “If you say so, your Majesty... Jokes aside, are you OK? You seem to be tilting your head to the left.” Celestia sighed. “I must have strained a muscle while sleeping in that... lovely position. Now my neck and back are killing me,” she glanced at the gaping James. “What?” “Sorry, it’s just... I thought alicorns were tougher than this.” “I wish... It is kind of funny that I can withstand an energy blast powerful enough to shatter stone, but can still strain my body in my sleep.” “Well, if it’s any consolation, I have the same problem with my nano-tech. I once got a little overexcite and...” “And...?” “Well, let’s just say that super strength is a bitch... and I sympathize with every man who got his naughty bits, crushed in a vice.” Celestia cocked her head in disbelief and winced almost immediately, both from the pain in her neck, as well as from the images that flooded her mind. “Um... ouch?” She whispered. “More like ‘Aiiieeeeeeee!’ But yeah, it sucked... and not in a good way,” James smiled. “Fortunately, nano-tech regenerates everything, including Flip and Flap.” “Flip and Flap? Did you name your… naughty bits?” “Of course! One is bigger than the other, and they’re acting stupid all the time... the name seems appropriate. There’s also Mr. Womb Rider – one hard bastard!” “Oh, I bet...” Celestia smiled. “Tiny things usually are...” “... ouch again!” James said with a frown, but let out a chuckle a moment later. “Damn, you’re good at this… Must be that evil part of you.” “Yes, it must be... While I would love to exchange some more sexual jokes and innuendos, I really need to get back to work.” “Yes, mistress…” James walked towards the door and grabbed the handle, but a loud grunt from behind got his attention. For a moment he just stood still biting his lip and thinking. “Forgot something?” Celestia said. “No, it’s just...” He let out a sigh and turn around. “I... may be able to help you get rid of that pain.” “I am sure a drink would do wonders, but I have to decline...” “It would, but it’s not what I have in mind.” “Thank you, but I think I will manage,” Celestia tilted her head to read the papers, only to grit her teeth immediately, as the tearing pain shot through her muscles. She glanced at James and rolled her eyes. “Ugh... Fine, what do you want to do? Give me an injection of your nano-technology?” “No, it is not calibrated to eliminate that kind of pain... I have something different in mind, but first, you have to promise me that you won’t kill me, blast me to the moon or do anything nasty for at least... three minutes.” “What kind of promise is that? What are you planning to do?” “Nothing inappropriate... You can always kill me afterward.” “So that you can avoid the gala? Ha! Nice try...” “I would never do that! … OK, perhaps I would, but I’m not planning to…” Celestia shot him a sarcastic smile, and he rolled his eyes in response. “Ugh, promise or suffer – your choice.” “Hrmph, I must say, you got me curious... I am going to grant your... request.” “Good, now um... get on the bed,” James said, and Celestia smiled, thinking it was a joke. “Seriously, I mean that – get on the bed,” she squinted her eyes and shot him a glare. “What? You think I’m going to jump you, or something?” He said with a smile, but it faded a moment later when Celestia wasn’t moving. “I’ll be damned... You really believe that, don’t you?” “No... I am just not comfortable when I do not know, what you are planning to do—” “First Applejack, and now you? Damn it, Luna’s right...” Celestia cocked her head. “Right about what?” “Forget it...” He shook his head and sighed in resignation. “Goodbye, your Highness – have a nice day...” Celestia watched in confusion as he started walking towards the door with his eyes fixed on the floor. “James, wait!” She said, just as he grabbed the handle. “I did not mean it like... that!” Not letting go of the knob, he slowly turned around. “You know... I may seem numb most of the time, but some things still hurt...” “I…” Celestia glance at him and to her surprise, he stood there with a wounded expression. “I am sorry, I really did not mean it like that. Can we start over?” For a moment, he stood there in silence with his eyes still fixed on the floor. It lasted for just a few seconds, but for Celestia, it seemed like an eternity. Finally, he let out a sigh and nodded. “Get on the bed and turn around. You have to trust me on this,” this time she complied without complaint. “OK, here we go...” She felt his hand on her back and flinched immediately, turning her head with an angry expression. “Three minutes, remember?” She let out an angry snort but turned her head back. “Now, this may hurt a little...” Celestia felt something warm pressing upon the back of her neck in a circular motion. As the pressure increased, the pain started – at first it was intense, like a stabbing sensation that spread across her entire back, making her clench her teeth and throw a very unroyal curse under her breath. But as time went on, the pain started to falter and slowly, she felt her body relaxing on its own. As the quiet crunching sounds filled the air, she let out an involuntary, soft moan… A few moments later, the endorphins filled her veins, and she felt like she was in heaven. All the problems seemed far away, and the pain she felt just a moment ago, was replaced by relief. Until... “OK, that’s it...” James said, making her turn her head in surprise. “The three minutes, I mean... So, do you want to blast me to the moon for touching your royal back, or do you want me to continue?” As he pulled his hands away, Celestia shivered gently, no longer feeling the warm sensation on her back. She shook her head from side to side and immediately felt that the pain in her neck was substantially easier to deal with. Arching her eyebrow, she surrounded James with her magic, and without warning pulled him closer, piercing him with a cold, intimidating glare. “I am going to have your head for this!” Celestia said with a hiss. James glanced at the enraged alicorn and winced, closing his eyes, and awaiting execution, but instead of the sound of death-ray, he heard a quiet chuckle. “I meant that only if you do not finish what you started…” James opened one of his eyes, to see Celestia smirking. Before he could say anything, she was already back on the bed, stretching out her body. “It is very rude to keep a lady waiting...” “Um, sorry, but... couldn’t you just say normally, that I should continue?” “What fun would that be?” “Well, maybe it wouldn’t be so fun... but at least my armor would still be dry... Anyway, where were we?” He put his hands back on her back and started massaging her again, it wasn’t long before she closed her eyes and let out another soft moan. “How are you doing that...” She relaxed her muscles and smiled blissfully. “That is the best massage I ever had...” “Combination of fingers, active nerve scanners and... experience.” “Experience?” “I worked many jobs before the war, and... masseur was one of them,” Celestia let out a giggle. “Hey! Not everyone was born a princess, you know... At the time, the economy was what it was... The pay was pretty good, though...” He switched to ‘chopping-massage,’ his hands going in a blurring motion. “Truth be told... Unless I had to deal with those higher class demanding assholes – I enjoyed that job.” “Feel my pain, I deal with such ponies all the time.” “Well, at least you can blast them to the moon, or throw them in the dungeon, or... ask me to deal with them. That offer to arrange a little chariot ‘accident’ for Blueblood still stands if you are interested.” Feeling James hands chopping her body with a dashing speed, Celestia let out another blissful whimper and smiled. “Dear sir, I will never agree to that! ... do you have any idea how much those chariots costs?” Another moan filled the air as her eyes rolled to the back of her head. “If I knew you had such talents, I would hire you in Canterlot—” “Celestia!” Suddenly the door burst open, and Twilight ran inside with a crazy expression, and face smudged with soot. “Dr. Kleiner and I just discovered that…” James and Twilight froze, looking at each other with their mouths agape, Celestia on the other hand, just lay peacefully with a smile on her face. “Yes, Twilight, it is exactly what it looks like,” Celestia said, calmly stretching out her entire body. “Care to join? I am sure he can do us both...” She winked. “I... left an experiment running in the lab!” With her cheeks burning, Twilight put on a smile of embarrassment on her face and disappeared in a flash, leaving behind chuckling alicorn and bewildered human. “’He can do us both’?! James said, restarting the massage. “You just used an innuendo against Twilight... I don’t know if I should be proud... or scared...” “Maybe a little of both… I bet you ten bits that she is using her panic bag right now…” James let out a chuckle. “Fuck me, you’re evil…” “I have my moments,” Celestia said with a smile but a moment later sighed deeply. “Thank you for the massage, but I think we have to stop… I still have a lot of work to do.” “I understand... just one question...” He gently pushed his fingers into some of the pressure points on her back, getting one more blissful groan out of her. “About that whole... Summit thingy...” Suddenly, Celestia’s eyes shot wide and she frowned. Before James could even blink, her horn lit up, and he got – not so gently – lifted into the air. “You little snake—” “Um... I told you, it’s not the size, it’s how you—” “Quiet!” Celestia boomed arching her eyebrow. “You thought that little back-rub is going to get you off the hook?!” Biting his lip, James smiled sheepishly. “... maybe?” “Get out!” Celestia dashed towards the door and using her magic, unceremoniously threw him out. “The nerve! I... Oh, hello John, Spike,” she said with a smile to the two onlookers in the corridor and turned around. “Wait!” James said. “At least tell me if it helped!” Celestia glanced back at him with a cold gaze. But as she started turning her head from left to right, the expression on her face shifted to a blissful smile. “Yes, the massage was wonderful, and the pain is gone, thank you.” Still lying on the floor, James grinned. “Well, at least I still got the touch and power—” “And you are still going to the Summit, hrmph!” Celestia stuck out her tongue, before getting back to her room and closing the door with a loud bang. “How very royal of you!” John and Spike glanced at the figure on the floor and sighed. “Do we even want to know?” John said. “Oh, don’t worry guys, that was a thank you for a... favor I did for her,” James frowned gently, standing up. “That’s what I get every time I act out of the goodness of my heart...” “Didn’t they rip your heart out when they changed you?” “Hrmph, I guess that makes me a heartless bastard... But this time, Celestia is the one being heartless, that white... TYRANT!” “I can hear you through the door, mister!” A muffled voice of Celestia coming from her room filled the corridor. “I’m well aware!” James let out a chuckle. “I better go before she decides to do something nasty. See you later boys.” As James walked away, John smiled and cocked his head as an idea popped into his mind. “Spike... what kind of cake does Celestia like?” He whispered. “Any, really... Why?” “She must have her favorite.” “Hmm... I know she likes banana, blueberry, and strawberry—” “Strawberry... It’s been a while, but... I think I still remember how to make a strawberry cake...” John said, making Spike tilt his head in confusion. “If I recall, you can buy strawberries in Ponyville, right?” “I think so.” John smiled. “I need to do some shopping...”