Even after Twilight introduced me to Daring Do, I still hated reading. Sure, there were exceptions but reading just took so much time to do. Forcing every word to fit inside my head one at a time and then doing it all over again while waiting for the paragraph to get to the point is so frustrating. It doesn’t help that nopony else has a problem. If I complain about it, that just means I’m an idiot.
If you tell anypony I said this, I’ll deny it, but some days I wish I was Twilight. Don’t me wrong, I love being the fastest mare alive, but the way she can just glance at something and understand everything about it is just amazing. Even when she’s Twilighting, that’s just how she solves everything. I solve my problems by being faster than them, and she does it by thinking faster than they do. She’d probably a little better at fixing things than me, because when she crashes all she has to do is go back to one of her to-crazy plans and do that one. I just crash.
Like I said, if you tell anypony this, I’ll kill you.
So, I’m kinda the village idiot out of our group. Not of all Ponyville, that’s a bar so low even I can clear it, but I’m the one who can’t see a problem until after I’ve dived down its throat. And most days I’m okay with that. I’m still the greatest athlete (Oh, so Applejack can use her magic in a race, but if I do its cheating?) but that can’t help me right now. Twilight’s birthday is coming up, and I wanted to get her something she’d love. That’s clearly a book, but it can’t just be any book. Everypony buys Twilight books, so it needed to be the greatest book in the world. But I’m not the kind of pony who knows all kinds of books, so I needed help from somepony as a big a… bibliophile? As big a bibliophile as Twilight.
Which lead me to a common mistake: Trusting Princess Luna. And as I say that, I feel like it’s not super fair. She took time out of her night to help me find something; it's just that we took time out of her night. Nights are the one part of the day where ponies don’t call me lazy for sleeping, and I was spending it at an antique bookstore that’d put me to sleep anyway.
I sighed. Luna twitched, which I thought was weird. I’d signed a bunch in the last hour and she hadn’t said anything. “Okay, what about the Donkey section? They’re super depressing, and depressing books are supposed to be better than normal ones, right?”
“That is not inaccurate,” Luna intoned. She intones a lot of things, and she always packs as much as she can into everything she says. She basically speaks in monologues; she’s like a slower, emo Pinkie Pie. “Though it would be more correct to say that depressing books can have more depth. It greatly depends on the book in question. Still, it is a good idea as any. I must confess that I find myself disappointed with the selection available. I had hoped to find something worthwhile to invest my time in, but more's the pity. Literature is one of the few things that has improved in my-- absence.”
I’d filtered out everything but the beginning and something about the Abeyance. I always listened for her talking about the Moon because the Sisters barely talk to anypony about the crap they go through. I’m not a great listener, but they carry so much that I’ll take whatever I can.
Luna didn’t seem upset though, so we just walked over there in silence. “Okay,” I said. “I’ll just grab the oldest stuff here and we can look through that.”
Now it was Luna’s turn to sigh. “Rainbow Dash, I realize this is somewhat ironic when said by me, but age is not the best way to determine value. Judging a book by its cover--”
“Hey, what’s this?”
Luna froze in place with a weird expression. It was kinda like the look you get when you find out too late that Pinkie gave you gag jelly beans."Oh," she said softly. "It survives. Somehow, despite everypony's efforts across the centuries, it is here..."
“So it worth something?” I asked. “Cool.”
“This,” Luna began, “Is Bartleby’s Scriving’s. It is said to be the single most depressing book ever written. None know how it ends, for those who attempt to read it will be driven mad in the attempt. The shadow it casts possesses a rather singular weight. One strains to regard it every day, considering that the option to read it is available -- ”
“So it’s sad,” I interrupted. “And sad books make deep ponies happy. That means if I get Twilight this book, she'd be super excited, right?”
“...Essentially,” Luna thoughtfully said. She opened the book and began to page through it. “Oh.”
“Something wrong?”
“In a manner of speaking. Do you see that little symbol stamped upon the upper right corner of the first page? My mark, Rainbow Dash. A sign of ownership. Once, this very tome was part of my own library. But shortly after -- it happened -- certain ponies saw my absence as an opportunity. While my sister was understandably distracted, items vanished from the Lunar Wing. A few were recovered. Others have never surfaced again. But this is mine. The proof cannot be disputed. And so I take it back. You’ll have to find something else.”
“Hey, wait a minute!” I dashed around and hovered just above eye level, forcing her to look up. Powering through her glare, “I found it first! And I would have totally found it even if you hadn’t been here, so find your own present!”
“My sister and I have already gotten Twilight her present,” Luna evenly said. “Books.”
“I’m getting her books--”
"All of them,” she clarified. “For the next month, she can use vouchers to purchase for her personal collection as many as she can fit onto her property.”
I thought about the storage sheds Twilight rented, and kept my mouth shut. “Look, you said it yourself. The selection here sucks-- No offense dude,” I added to the salespony cowering under the table, “and she’ll be thrilled with this! You haven’t owned this book in forever and it's my best shot! There has to be, like-- a game or something we can use to settle this fairly, right?”
Twilight doesn’t talk about ponies behind their back, at least not to me, but there’s one thing she repeats whenever Luna comes up. “If she smiles while you’re arguing with her-- run.”
Luna smiled. I backed up. She didn’t notice. "A game," Luna repeated as a slow smile spread through dark fur. "Yes. And as you have proposed that a game should settle this, I will naturally choose the contest. Dueling and wagering rules alike, Rainbow Dash. The format is yours, the specific nature becomes mine. Do you agree?"
“...So not a race?” I said.
“No, of course not. That would hardly be fair to you.”
I stared at her. Quietly, “Speed is my mark--”
“You haven’t raced me before. No,” she said through what should have been pointed teeth. “We shall play a game known as… Pepper.”
Luna was doing her cryptic thing again, which was her third favorite way of talking to ponies. I think she uses all those big words to keep from talking about whatever it is she’s actually talking about. We’d picked up some actual pepper from the kitchens and were sneaking into her sister's tower. “Can you at least give me a hint--”
“All in due time, Rainbow Dash. For now, we must be quiet.”
“There wasn’t anything stopping you from telling me before--”
“Sh!”
Too late, I heard hoofsteps down the corridor. I felt Luna cast her field around me, and my vision flashed blue. When it cleared there were dark purple bangs in my eyes, and I could almost make out a horn. I looked at my hooves, which were purple.
The guard rounded the corner and stopped, eyes wide. "Princess Twilight?"
"...Yes." I said authoritatively. "Book," I added a second later.
The pegasus mare blinked and looked between the two of us. "Is something wrong?"
Luna took a slow, careful breath. "I am sneaking Twilight Sparkle into my sister's bedroom."
"Yes! That!" I exclaimed, thinking of Twilight reacting to rumors of her and Celly banging. And then I got to the end of Twilight reacting to rumors of her and Celly banging and winced. "But not for sex! For... reading. And such. All night." I nodded confidently, and added, "she has long... books."
The guard stared at me, and I'm pretty sure she was choking on something. "Mh-hm," she said with a straighter face than I would have, "We've all thought about how long her-- books are. Very toned books."
"Though I must say," Luna broke in, "that the-- contents of my sister's library should not be the center of that much discussion among the Royal Guard. Or my own, come to think of it." She held up a hoof up to get in the way of the guards sudden panic. "Peace. I meant no ill will by it. Tia and her student simply require some time alone to-- study. You will ensure that we will not be disturbed."
"Not we," I added at the guard's confused look. "We as in Princess Celestia and me! Luna's not coming too-- You know what I mean!"
The guard, probably just eager to leave the conversation, nodded and left silently. We watched her go. "So," I said softly, "that's gonna bite us later, isn't it?"
"Oh, I do hope not," Luna muttered fiercely. "Those disgusting rumors are a pain to stop. And with Twilight Sparkle in them-- well," she added thoughtfully, "it could get her to ask sister where they came from."
"As long as the answer isn't us," I groused. "Give a mare a little warning next time!"
"It is hardly my fault you are incapable of a bluff," she said as she casually walked past me. "Perhaps one day you will gain the capability of subterfuge..."
"Wha-Hey!" Tail lashing, I hurried to keep up. "I can too bluff!"
"Yes," and you know that thing a cat does where it arches it back and looks down on you, even though it comes up to your ankle? Luna was doing the same thing with just her tone. "And I'm sure the number of losses I have observed from our card games together is simple coincidence... Ah, we have arrived."
I'd been so wrapped up in arguing that I'd failed to notice where we were. Ahead of us were large, plain double doors. They weren't any signs barring entry, there weren't any sigils warning ponies away, and under the circumstances, they were the two scariest doors I'd ever seen. "That's your sister's room!"
"Oh, good," Luna said softly. "I was in fact about to explain that part. Whispers only from this point forward--"
"Why are we playing in your sister's room?"
Luna casually shrugged. "You do not have to play if you do not wish. You can simply... I believe the modern phrase is 'chicken out?"
I stared at Luna for a long moment. "You know how I went to flight school?"
She blinked, and I got the rare joy of seeing Luna mildly flummoxed. "I am aware, though I fail to see how that relates--"
"Thing about foals is, they're jerks. Especially to ponies who happen to be gullible. And I used to be super gullible." It was easier to say this than I thought it'd be. Maybe it was because Luna looked unsure since-- well, the first time I'd seen her. "I've had about a million dumb tricks played on me, Luna. And I know what it feels like. It feels like this. So why are we playing in your sister's room?"
Luna was frowning, which could be good for me or really bad. "Well... The game is based on her, actually."
"Are we feeding her the peppers while she sleeps?"
Luna shook her head and I gasped. "We're not shoving them up her--"
"NO!" She cast a worried look at the doors, but after a few seconds, nopony emerged. "No, not-- that. I do not know what sort of foalhood you had growing up, Rainbow Dash, but I would never be so cruel as-- that." She held it in for a second, before admitting the truth. "We are using my sister as a grill for a cooking competition."
I stared. Luna stared back, and-- well, she didn't look sheepish, but she looked more sheepish than I'd ever expected to see her look. "As you have undoubtedly noticed," she slowly whispered, "our ties to Moon and Sun come with certain... connotations. In my case, I am linked to cold. Ice. The chill of vacuum. When I am calm, the air is no more than pleasantly cool as it drifts out from my form. The gift of autumn's renewal. But when I become upset, the temperature drops accordingly. And my sibling, linked to Sun... there is a warmth about her, is there not? Place her heart at peace, and every day near her is one spent in spring. But should she become angry..."
"And you decided," I whispered, "to use her to invent a cooking competition? How did you even think of that?"
"Actually, a certain pegasus had endured-- injuries, shall we say? One specific sort of injury. It kept happening, over the centuries, and I decided to... investigate. It is not important, though."
"It is super--"
"The game with which we duel," Luna interrupted, "is mine to choose. And I choose this one. If you feel as though you cannot handle it, then I understand..."
My jaw shut with an audible click. I'd played this sort of game-- well, okay not this sort of game, but games you can't win. Luna hadn't mentioned how the game ended, so I was willing to bet it ended when her sister woke up and killed me. But if I didn't go through with this, I was out a present and I'd lose a game.
I had one move I could play.
I sighed and nodded, and Luna smirked as she opened the door. She slid her hooves silently across the floor, and I followed. "Let the best mare win, Rainbow Dash."
Now, I want you to remember that I am, honestly, a total idiot.
"As this is your first time playing," Luna said, "I shall take care of the... preheating."
And the second most important thing is that Luna, while she can make me look mature by comparison, is just about the smartest mare in the world.
Luna placed her horn on her sisters Cutie Mark, and slowly rubbed a circle. "Basic simulation," Luna whispered. "Let me see... to the right for an increase, circle to the left if the desired goal is surpassed. Yes, that was it."
And smart mares will always, always underestimate the lengths a stupid pony will go too.
While Luna slowly heated her sisters flank, I reached over with one wing and slapped her Cutie Mark.
A bunch of things went off at once here. Luna jerked and jabbed her horn into Celly's rump. This woke up the most dangerous mare alive, but I was already moving. I'd surprised Luna, and she was off balance. I reached into her saddlebags and grabbed the book, quickly dove out the window before Celestia could grab me. Luna was not so lucky.
I heard the shouting from a lot further away than I expected. I'm not sure if it faded when I reached Ponyville, or if it just stopped.
I wasn't hiding under my bed all night. I just wanted to make sure that I could surprise whichever of them came for me so I could attack from an unexpected direction. Nopony came for me that night, and I got through my morning shift without incident. I swung by the library to give Twilight her present a little early, in case I was tied up during the actual party.
Twilight was eating outside when I dropped by. She waived as I came down for a landing. "Hey, were you in Canterlot last night?" she asked. "I've heard some weird rumors--"
"Don't-know-anything-about-it," I said quickly, "Because I was busy! I got your birthday present, and I wanted to give it to you early."
"Oh, you didn't have to do..." Twilight's voice trailed off as she looked at the book. "That's impossible."
"You don't know the half of it," I muttered.
"That's Bartleby's Scrivings!" she said in awe. "That's... do you know how many ponies have died trying to read that? Hundreds!"
"...Is that good?"
"It's amazing!" Twilight squealed. "This might be the only copy in the whole world-- How did you do it?"
"Oh, ya know," I said distractedly, "I'm the best-- Hey, what's up with the shadows?"
"Hm?" Twilight looked behind her and frowned. The shadows were rapidly shifting towards the left, and I realized why a few moments before she did. "That's odd," she said, "It looks like Sun is moving."
I didn't say anything. Terror rooted me to the spot.
"It's definitely moving," Twilight said thoughtfully, "Almost like its searching for something..."
There was a burst of white magic behind me as somepony teleported in. The temperature, already warm, was suddenly scorching hot, and I could feel her chest brush the top of my head.
"Rainbow Dash," Princess Celestia said. I could feel the angry growl in her chest as she spoke, and-- didn't squeaked as much as... do something that sounded like squeaking but wasn't. "How wonderful it is to see you."
Twilight stood up and was torn between trying to help and cowering. I didn't blame her, I would have left me too. "Uh," Twilight said hesitantly, "Princess..."
"Oh, don't worry," Princess Celestia softly said. "Rainbow isn't in trouble. I just want to be sure she... pays for her book."
"My book," Twilight corrected, and then blanched. "Only technically. Your Highness. Ma'am."
"Oh, don't worry," the single scariest mare in the world said. "I'm only here to talk to... arrange a payment schedule."
"Okay," Twilight was starting to worry now, "Your words sound fine, but you keep using italics and it's starting to scare me..."
Princess Celestia teleported us away before she could finish.
I'm going to gloss over some parts here. Luna and I were at Celestia's mercy for about four hours, but they were creatively applied four hours. I won't say exactly what happened, only that we're not allowed to enter Mazin, and I have to send a tribute to the chef's guild every three moons to keep them from putting a hit out on me. And that's not even getting into what I have to do for Luna tonight.
Later, I got to see the look on Twilight's face while she was at her party. She saw me come in late, bruised and slightly on fire.
I saw her worry over how hurt I was, and smile in relief when I was fine.
It was all worth it.