Baking for Humble Pie

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When Pinkie Pie is visited by an unexpected guest, she suspects the pony of planning to ruin tomorrow's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. But then her friends find out that they're up against a bigger challenge than they'd supposed…

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Drum-rolls summoned the blasts of thunder through the grey of the relentless sky. Lightning slashed and struck at the ponies' eyes, making them jump in alarm, and the wind drove back all who dared to walk further than their front doors. Windows showed either closed curtains or huddled faces, peering out at the trees as they threatened to topple over.

Everyone agreed that the pegasus ponies had outdone themselves on their weather duties this time, or perhaps had overdone themselves, which was one reason - they quietly felt - why they should in future simply "do themselves" and skip the "over-" and "out-" bits.

It was quiet all across the streets of Ponyville town – even at Sugar Cube Corner. Within one of the upstairs rooms of the bakery, a lonely light was switched on.

"There's no need to shiver, Gummy," whispered Pinkie Pie, rubbing the scales of her small pet alligator while trying not to shiver herself when the thunder clapped. "There's no need to be scared of the nasty lightning."

She was huddled in a corner of the bed against the wall, surrounded by a mountain of cuddly animal toys. The only light in the room came from a flashlight which she was shining up into her face.

"I know!" she said brightly. "Let's tell ghost stories! That'll make you feel better, and it'll be fun! I know a good one. It's called the Nightmare of the Pony-Catcher. Gather round, everypony."

She pulled up the duvet and smothered it over them all, like a tent. This time, she held the flashlight closer to her chin and cast mock suspicious looks at her audience.

"This story has been rated way too scary for little foals, and for big foals, and for all the in-between foals, too. If anyone here has a weak bladder, I must ask you to leave… now."

"Great! Let's begin! It was the darkest of dark nights, darker even than the darkest part of the darkest mane of the darkest dark-pony Nightmare Moon while in the dark depths of her dark… darkness. Everypony was huddled indoors, listening to the terrible thunder clap outside... though I don't know why they call it clapping because thunder doesn't clap, you need hooves to clap and when I clap like this – clap-clap-clappity-clap-clap – it sounds funny, and thunder doesn't sound funny, it sounds scary, especially when there's a thunderstorm outside. Hey, want to hear a scary story? There were three ponies and an alligator, hiding indoors from the storm. Suddenly, there was a knock on the front door!"

There were muffled noises from downstairs; Mr and Mrs Cake had put down their baking utensils and were exchanging questions. Pinkie Pie gasped.

Pinkie Pie shot out her room and down the hall. She stopped with a screech of tyres and peered down the stairs.

"Pinkie Pie!" cooed Mrs Cake, heading for the door. "Be a dear and go help my husband in the kitchen."

"NOOOOOO!" Pinkie Pie shot downstairs and seized a thoroughly surprised Mrs Cake in her hooves, shot past the counter and plonked her down in the kitchen, where Mr Cake was about to place some muffins in the oven. She reached over and pulled him away too, placing them both next to each other.

"If you answer that door, he'll trap you in a net and lock you up in a cage like poor Itty-Bitty Mustang! Don't move!" She plonked a saucepan onto her head, seized a large serving spoon, which she bent and put over her teeth as a hastily-improvised mouth guard, and rummaged through a drawer before pulling out a rolling pin. She hefted it like a baseball bat.

"You jush shtay dere!" Pinkie Pie assured them as she passed by. "Dish ish shomefin' I godda do myshe'f!"

Pinkie Pie peered into the hallway. This time, the three knocks were more emphatic.

She tiptoed closer to the door with the pin raised high, while Mr and Mrs Cake poked their heads out of the kitchen, watching her.

The rolling pin was seized and pulled out of her hooves before she had time to swing, and she closed her eyes as a second attack whipped the saucepan off her head.

Pinkie screamed in rage, seized a custard pie from the counter and lobbed it. The stranger blocked the thrown pie, then the next one, with a casual backhoof each. A thrown tray of cupcakes, a barrage of rock cakes, and a twelve-layered wedding cake were each smashed aside, and when the party cannon came up a layer of the broken wedding cake was thrown down the barrel. The barrel backfired and exploded with party streamers, bits of icing, and chunks of dented metal.

She squeaked in surprise as her rump hit the floor. She looked up just as the smoke and confetti settled. Lightning flashed, revealing the large pony silhouetted outside.

There was a spit, and a tinkle of metal as the serving spoon ricocheted off the floor at Pinkie's hooves. Behind her, the Cakes gasped.

"Now, that's no way to greet a visitor," said the wall of shadow. It stepped forwards, and the world shook with each hoof that came down, as if imperial columns were being lowered to make way for an incoming temple. "Is it, Pinkamena?"

He was built like one of the Royal Guards, but taller and bulkier than the norm, enough to have to bow his head when entering through the door. A leonine mane, blue like a Bunsen burner's flame, and four huge legs, each one twice the diameter of a normal pony's, were matched only by the thick muscles coursing under his aquamarine fur. His face could have been chiselled from a glacier. His hooves were plated with ornamental iron.

Pinkie Pie felt the air beginning to deflate from her puffy mane as she got back up.

Pinkie Pie stood her ground as Humble Pie leaned in close. Whether he was trying to be intimidating or simply had no concept of personal space, she was not going to take a step backwards. The Cakes looked at each other with sudden realisation.

"Humble Pie? As in, Thou-Must-Humble-Thyself-Before-Celestia 'Humble' Pie?" said Mr Cake.

"But it's been years! The last we heard, you'd left for the mountains. Your father told us you went to be an apprentice ironsmith."

"That is true, my dear Mrs Cake, and I compliment your fine memory," said the voice, like a tiger purring to a cub. "But they didn't tell you everything. Did they, Pinkamena?"

"Trying to forget the past, little sister?" He extended a hoof and drew her closer. Beside his immense bulk, she looked like a sulky foal. "You need not suffer in silence. The rock farm was not a place of happy memories for either of us, now, was it?"

"For you?" she said, batting his leg away and going back to where she'd stood. "What about for everypony else?"

"No, no, Mrs Cake," said Humble Pie with an airy wave of his foreleg. "It is good that she lets out all her long-forgotten feelings. Quite cathartic." He pushed his face up against Pinkie Pie's. "It is an honour to see you again, my worthy little sister. We've done the quickstep before, haven't we? Sometimes with each other, most of the time against each other."

"Somepony had to stop you from ruining the farm, and from hurting our sisters. And you were constantly picking fights with me at every chance you could get, so don't come to me with the 'oh-I'm-so-reasonable' big brother act, 'cos I'm not buying it." Her hair was now visibly collapsing. Humble watched it with apparent fascination.

"You have strong memories of me, I see. Then, one day, you saw fit to turn your back on me just when I needed you most."

"You had a silly little tantrum at us because you weren't getting your own way, and Daddy and Mommy put their hooves down."

"We had to tell the other ponies something TO COVER THE FACT THAT YOU RAN AWAY FROM HOME!"

Pinkamena's hair now completed its transformation. Humble Pie's eyes flickered for the first and only time during his stay, but nothing short of a finely-tuned microscope would have detected it.

"I did not come back here to dig up old childhood memories; I came back to make peace with you. Listen closely. Tomorrow, the biannual Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament will begin at Ponyville town square."

"When I enter it, I will prove myself to you by winning it. I will show you what I have been doing over the years to improve myself. You will be proud to be called my sister once again, Pinkamena, I assure you of that."

"You'll never leave well enough alone, will you? It's this kind of thinking that ended up nearly ruining the farm and making Daddy tear his poor mane out. And you never learned your lesson, did you? Stop trying to be such a whoopsy I'm-so-good-at-everything, got-to-do-everything-better, push-little-ponies-around, gotta-do-or-do-better-or-die-doing-it kind of… kind of…" Pinkamena hyperventilated, and then held her breath. Humble's eyes dared her to say it.

"Killjoy." She muttered this in a voice usually reserved for words like "murderer."

Humble Pie's roar drowned out the next thunder roll and shook the house on its very foundations. Both Cakes, who so far had been too enraptured by the conversation to speak, let out a frightened moan as they heard pots and pans crashing onto the kitchen floor. Pinkamena stood unfazed as her hair was blown back by the Force 10 winds.

Cavernous lungs refilled themselves as Humble Pie bared teeth like spades at the pink pony.

"You're too stubborn for your own good, Pinkamena Diane Pie! Just like mother and father! No wonder you got on like three rocks in a faultline!" He leapt straight up and flipped round, a curiously graceful leap for such a heavyweight, and landed so forcefully on the ground that Pinkamena bounced. "Farewell. I will give you time to reconsider. See you tomorrow, little sister!"

As one, the Cakes rushed forwards, brushing off Pinkamena's fallen mane until it began fluffing up again, half-scolding and half-comforting her. Though her appearance was restored, Pinkie Pie reacted to none of it as they carried her upstairs and tucked her gently into bed, placed a glass of chocolate milk on her bedside table, and closed the door gently on their way out.

"If he's entering that Tourna-thingy, then he is up to something, and if he is up to something, then it is not going to be a picnic, or a party, or a fun day out of any kind. Okey dokey lokey," she whispered, folding her forelegs. "I just... need some time to... to think things... over. I'm sure I could... come up with a... a foolproof... plan if... I... just..."

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The sun cast its warmth through the gap in the curtains and over Twilight's bed, which was empty.

Spike, curled up in the basket next to it, yawned and stretched and climbed out. He rubbed his eyes with his claws and gave a small yelp – he hadn't trimmed those things in a long while.

A look at the empty bed woke him up fully. He yanked back the bed covers – and there was a crash from downstairs as pots and pans fell over in the kitchen. Spike groaned.

From the top of the stairs, he had a good view of what was going on. Twilight was biting her lip and closing her eyes as her unicorn's magical horn glowed with purple light. All the books on the shelves glowed, pulled themselves out, and then shot towards the middle.

Spike tried, but he could never figure out or tell whether the books really did pass through each other or whether they just looked like they did because of the speeds.

Neatly, Twilight put the books on the opposite shelves and let out a breath, letting her concentration catch a break.

She winced as there was another crash from the kitchen, and looked up at her horn ruefully. Twilight began powering up her spell.

She gave a start and a blast shot from her horn into the underside of the landing he was standing on. The impromptu lift shot down with a judder, crashing into a pile of buckets. When a load of streamers, party hats, and leftover half-eaten muffins settled, Spike was sitting on the remains.

"I know! I'm sorry!" Twilight said, rushing over and putting him back onto his feet. She summoned a feather duster and brushed off the streamers that had covered his head and spines. "I didn't want to bother you, so I let you oversleep."

"Twilight, I told you to practice that last night," he said. "Not first thing in the morning. It took me forever to clean that party stuff up."

"Yes, and I did listen Spike, don't think I didn't, but, well, I don't know, I just thought, well, why quit when I'm on a roll? So I stayed up a little longer and a little longer and a little longer…"

Twilight shook her head sadly, and a grumble from her stomach seemed to confirm that she'd missed breakfast too. After a while, Spike got behind her and started pushing her towards the kitchen, but the purple-haired unicorn dug in her hooves and he eventually gave up. She shook her head and cast worried looks at the kitchen door.

"I just don't want to make a fool of myself on my first ever Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. I've been practising my advanced spells for the big duel I'm planning, but it gets a little weird near the end." She looked at the kitchen door nervously.

"Relax, Twilight," said Spike. "You won't make a fool of yourself. Your element is magic, remember? You'll make a great challenge."

"I guess," she said, as he pushed the kitchen door back. "And sorry!" she shouted after him.

"Well, that's today's schedule dramatically rewritten," he said. "Buy some more groceries. And some new cupboards. And possibly a new kitchen."

"I think you should save your strength for the Tournament," Spike said, starting to pick up the party hats. "I've got this one covered. You need to relax before you go out there."

"I know, but how do I do that?" Twilight tapped her chin thoughtfully, and then beamed. "I know! I had a book about it somewhere. Relaxation for Edgy Equines: An Equestrian Self-Help Hardback."

She pulled up a ladder, but Spike pushed it aside, shaking his head. With one claw, he speared and held up a party hat to her face.

"Remember the lunch-time party we had yesterday?" he said. "When the rest of the gang were here? You weren't nervous then, were you?"

"Well, no," Twilight said, "because my friends were there, and because Pinkie was teaching me karao –"

"Exactly. Your friends will be there. And Pinkie Pie wasn't nervous about singing at the party, either."

"Well, I should think not. This is Pinkie Pie we're talking about. The party was her idea."

"Exactly. And entering the Tournament was your idea, too, and this is magic we're talking about, Twilight. You are to magic what Pinkie Pie is to parties."

He put his hand on her wither, but then had to do it again, and gently, because he'd accidentally dug his claws in the first time. He gave her an encouraging pat.

"Aw, this is why you're my number one personal assistant, Spike," Twilight said. She took a deep breath. "OK, I'm going to go out there, and I'm gonna go through with my challenge, and I'm gonna do well."

"And you're going to have fun," Spike said. "That's the most important thing. Good luck!"

Now with more spring in her step, Twilight trotted over to the front door and paused to give Spike one last wave before boldly going outside.

A moment later, she hurried back in and gave him a pleading look. Casually, he pointed to the desk, on which a large red volume was placed. Twilight perked up, and she levitated the book after herself.

"I nearly forgot it. It's very important. Thaaaanks again, Spike!" Twilight sang after him, before he closed the door after her.

Spike turned on his heel and surveyed the scattered party goods, the fallen landing, and the ominously flapping kitchen door, which for reasons better known to the cosmos chose that precise moment to fall off its hinges. He picked up the broom that had been lying on the floor, and balanced it in his hands.

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She'd just been coming up the street, and was already upset at how her shoes had been ruined by the wet grass. A smaller unicorn, Sweetie Belle, skipped along beside her.

"I've got you covered, sis," said Sweetie Belle, and reached into her pink fluffy saddlebag. A turquoise blanket was laid down over the puddle. "Tada."

As they watched, the blanket darkened and the puddle below it shrank. Rarity sighed at the sad mush that remained.

"One day, I'm really going to have to set some time aside to explain to you how fabrics work. And it had so much potential, too," she said morosely. Sweetie Belle picked it up with her mouth and threw it over her own back.

"You've done quite enough," Rarity said. "Now go play with your friends, and try to stay out of trouble for your big sis Rarity, won't you, sweetums?"

A voice broke over the patter of ponies going about their business. Up ahead, two small fillies, one of them winged, were both waving and calling to Sweetie Belle.

"OK!" Sweetie Belle squeaked, and she cantered ahead, only to bump into a passing pony. A brief apology was thrown at him before she cantered on. Rarity wiped her brow, before spotting her own friends, Applejack and Twilight, on the other side of the fountain, huddled together and having a chat.

"An' yer din't need that book, neither," said Applejack, tapping the cover. "Come on, Twilight, yer din't really think the Mayor would just push yer out the room, close the gates, and wish yer good luck, now, did yer?"

"But I need to learn the rules," Twilight said. "Please, AJ, I'm trying not to get overexcited, and this is how I help myself to calm down."

"Do you like it?" Rarity asked as she approached the ponies, catching the light of the sunrise with a poised flick of her head. "It's just a little something I made up last night. It took me three hours to get the feathers right."

"Aw, Rarity, you an' yer fancy hats," said Applejack playfully. "Yer oughta try somethin' more practical-like, like mine." She tipped hers. "I ain't never had ter replace this baby in years."

Rarity made a face which quite plainly said: "mental note: stay away from Applejack's head for the rest of today."

"You didn't have to dress up for this occasion, you know, Rarity?" said Twilight Sparkle, who was otherwise so deeply into the red book hovering before her that it might as well have had straps and straw and been a nosebag. "You might as well save the show for the finals tomorrow."

"You don't understand," Rarity said. "This is preparation. I'm also putting forwards my own challenge for this year's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament."

"Well, it's about time," said the voice of Rainbow Dash. There was a flash of sky and rainbow, and the winged pegasus soared down, landing next to her. She put a hoof over both Rarity's withers. "Welcome to the top of the league, Rarity. You're in with the big fillies now."

"Yep," said Applejack. "That's mighty dandy of you, Rarity. Dress-makin', by any chance?" She looked over Rarity's creation.

"Well it's just for this year, you understand, I mean, I… I wanted to make sure I was at the peak of perfection before committing myself to such an enterprise."

"Oh, don't sweat it, Rarity," said Rainbow Dash. "We've seen you patch up a dress from a tablecloth, a bit of hair ribbon, and a couple of flowers. You've got absolutely nothing to be afraid of."

"Oh, that's very kind of you to say, Dash," said Rarity, not even hiding the blush and the smile.

"Now, we jus' need Fluttershy and Pinkie joinin' in, and then we'll all be in this together!"

Dash jumped a foot into the air and turned around in alarm, which gave way to anger when Applejack, Rarity and Twilight snickered. The yellow pony behind her rubbed a leg apologetically and avoided Dash's annoyed glare.

"Oh, I honestly couldn't. Really," said Fluttershy. "I'd rather give Pinkie some company."

"But Fluttershy, you'd be a perfect challenger with your gift for animals," Twilight said.

"No, it's OK. I prefer watching the events, and helping with the organising, anyway."

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Pinkie hopped along the road, singing quietly to herself. She had a perky way of hopping, with all four hooves at once, as if her bottoms were made out of springs, though no one had tested to see if her tops were made out of rubber. On her first day at Ponyville, she had received odd looks for this, but these days no pony batted an eyelid.

So far, Pinkie had tried raising her spirits with a birthday cake for breakfast, and the Cakes had tried to cheer her up by ordering another cannon, though they hadn't been able to reassure her that it had all been a dream, even when they assured her that they only remembered it because her imagination was just that vivid.

No, she told herself. She was Pinkie Pie, for Luna's sake. Only sweet sugary thoughts could enter her mind. She began working on her song instead. Maybe that would help. She beamed and rattled off her first lines:

Crash. She bounced back, as if she'd hit a wall, and for a moment it felt like she had. An aquamarine wall, furry, with a lion's mane, and a smug expression on his face so high.

Pinkie felt the whole world collapse around her when she saw him. Suddenly, the song seemed to be a mere whisper before an incoming tide.

He chuckled and shifted his head sideways; it gave her a profile view when he placed a strip of hay gradually into his mouth. The rising sun behind him seemed to flash as it cleared his head and blinded her with bright light.

She saw… timber buildings around her, instead of the usual Ponyville designs. The rock fields expanded to the horizon, and there were dead trees. She heard creaking wood, and the slow, mournful clop of hooves that suggested ponies were in no hurry. There was a clanging of a bell, and familiar smells, and she was smaller then, smaller, and her mane got into her eyes…

Pinkie Pie shook her head and glared up at her brother. Ponyville returned around her, along with the noise of enthusiastic crowds and chatter. She got up.

"What kind of game do you think you're playing?" Pinkie said. "I stopped you before, Humble, and I'll stop you again."

"Oh, Pinkamena, you really are too much. That was a long time ago, and what have you been doing since then? Running a bakery? That's just like you, Pinkamena. Whereas I have been industriously applying myself in the mountains. You see, I don't waste my talents."

"Oh yeah? Well, this time I've got friends, and they're all ten times the pony you are!"

Humble's grin turned nastier. "Oh, you have friends now, eh? You usually didn't spare much time for matters outside the family at home. How… interesting."

"He's my big brother. Why don't you go over and give him the big Cutie Mark Crusader's welcome, huh?"

"OK! Scootaloo! Apple Bloom! Come on over! Pinkie wants us to say hello to her brother, Cutie Mark Crusader style!"

Three fillies rushed past Pinkie, who rubbed her hooves in glee. Seeing the foals approach him, Humble looked around curiously as three voices struck him like a foghorn from a badly-manufactured cuddly toy when the packaging explicitly said it had a squeaker.

"THE CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS WELCOME YOU TO PONYVILLE TOWN SQUARE! YAY!" They beamed up at him, seeing his reaction.

"GREETINGS, LITTLE LOUD FILLIES! HUMBLE PIE IS OH SO GRATEFUL FOR YOUR WARM WELCOME!"

The blast sent them flying backwards and tumbling head over hooves in midair. When they landed, they stared back at him. Then they beamed.

"Well, I was once in the Il Stablo quartet as a soprano during my brief stint in Canterlot. It's such a long and winding story filled with mystery and intrigue – you wouldn't be interested. But I suppose you would all have interesting stories of your own?"

"Ah. Friends of yours, by any chance?" He gave a nasty grin in Pinkie's direction. "Well, well, well, how intriguing. Please, tell me all about them…"

A note of discord crept into Pinkie's usually musical mind. She glanced sadly over at her friends at the far side of the fountain, and took deep breaths to steady herself.

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"No, what's down. I'm down. I had a pony turn up at my home last night," said Pinkie Pie. She still felt her mane drooping slightly.

"No," said Pinkie Pie petulantly. "It was somepony who I never want to see again."

"He just turned up to join the Tourna-thingy. He's a show-off, and a loudmouth, and a big meanie."

"Pinkie Pie!" said Rarity. "How could you talk about your parents in such a manner?"

There were thundering noises coming down the road. Pinkie's friends felt the ground shake through their legs with each step.

The gigantic form of Humble Pie cruised through the sea of ponies like an iceberg that had been used to sculpt a pony god. The Cutie Mark Crusaders were gambolling around him and chatting cheerfully, and he smiled at them and occasionally seemed to ask a question. As he passed huddles by, several ponies stopped to stare at him, to which he gave a graceful series of smiles and bows of the head.

"Pinkamena, so nice to see you again," said Humble, bowing his head, as the Cutie Mark Crusaders rushed past them all to race each other to the fountain. "And, bless me if I'm not mistaken, these must be your friends. Yes, I've heard many grand tales about you all along the grapevine."

"Well, he seems a gen'le enough pony," she heard Applejack whisper. "Howdy do, Mr…"

"Oh please, call me Humble Pie. I daresay my sister was telling you all about me." He threw Pinkie an innocent smile, and she returned it with a less-than-innocent narrowing of the eyes.

"Howdy do, Mr Humble Pie. Name's Applejack." A hoof was extended. The others watched, or in Fluttershy's case covered their eyes, in alarm; Humble's hoof alone looked capable of crushing iron. But he took Applejack's as tenderly as if it were made of glass.

"Float my flibbertigibbets," he said, "and call me a jade. That's a strong set of hooves you have there, AJ!"

"You betcha, Mr Pie. Ah'm gonna be apple-buckin' with these babies. Ah reckon you've got quite the kick for the job yerself."

"Why thank you kindly, Miss Applejack. I have a great respect for the Apple family and its traditions," he said, looking up. "Why, you hardly need an introduction at all! You're the famous Rainbow Dash! I wonder you aren't a member of the Wonderbolts already; I mean, how many of them can claim to have a sonic rainboom in their bag of tricks?"

"Yeah, that story always gets around, doesn't it?" Rainbow Dash said in an offhand voice, which deceived nopony as she was beaming like a foal on Hearth's Warming Eve.

"It was truly incredible. I'd love to see it with my own eyes today. Your friends there," he said, and indicated the Cutie Mark Crusaders over at the fountain, "were just telling me about the first time you achieved the sonic rainboom. And… oh, mademoiselle," he said, looking at Rarity. "Why, such elegance, such radiant beauty, such poise. Your designs are the legends of the fashion world, according to Hoity Toity's illustrious boutique, Miss Rarity."

"A gentlecolt… of such… fine… taste," she breathed. "I am truly flattered to make your acquaintance, Mr Pie."

"Pff, yeah. Flattered," Pinkie Pie muttered under her breath, as Humble bowed low before Rarity.

"Please, my dear Miss Rarity, please; call me Humble." When Rarity giggled, he bowed to her and turned to the next pony. "Oh, and just when I thought there were no more surprises! Who have we here? Can it be… yes! Twilight Sparkle, apprentice to the lovely Princess Celestia. You know, I was once a member of her Royal Guard for a short time. She spoke nothing but the highest praise for you – highly talented, always organised, an astonishing level of dedication. You were – are – her most revered student."

"Oah, stop it. I j… I mean, it's only the least I can do, being Celestia's student and all." Twilight giggled through her uncontrollable smile.

"Such a fine, bold herd of young heroes," said Humble Pie. "It has truly been an honour meeting you all, and a matter of pride that my dear sister knows you all so well. I look forward to hearing the challenges you set forth this year. Goodbye, my dears, and good luck."

Behind the group, Pinkie scowled. Fluttershy, who was standing next to her, noticed.

While the four ponies chattered excitedly amongst themselves, Humble Pie was leaving when he stopped and turned to face Fluttershy. She gave him a nervous grin and waved a hoof feebly. He met Pinkie's gaze; she seemed to be trying to turn her eyes into laser sights. She knew what that look of his meant.

Otherwise, all Fluttershy elicited from him was a slight hum of acknowledgement and a polite, if curt, nod before he continued on his way. Pinkie noticed, with some satisfaction, that his hooves weren't causing the ground to shake anymore. Big faker, she thought.

The other ponies hadn't noticed this exchange, too wrapped up in his carefully spun flattery to be disentangled.

"And you were calling him a loudmouth and a show-off," said Rainbow Dash, landing next to Pinkie, who sucked in her lips with anger.

"Pinkie Pie, jus' enterin' the Tournament ain't proof that he's a-showin' off," said Applejack, putting a hoof on her wither, but Pinkie knocked it off.

"Oh, forget it! If you guys won't listen to me, I'll have to take matters into my own hooves!" She stormed off. It was a while before the others noticed that she was no longer hopping.

"Oh, leave her be, girls," said Rarity. "The poor girl is obviously upset because she hasn't a challenge to put forwards this year for her big, bold, graceful hunk of a brother." She sighed.

"But the Tournament's never bothered her before," said Twilight. "Maybe one of us should talk to her?"

"I'll go," said Fluttershy eventually, and she flapped her wings and took off after Pinkie.

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There was a trumpet call. All the ponies began to converge onto the town square, where a large stage had been set up. Upon the platform, the Mayor of Ponyville was overlooking the congregation.

"Fillies and gentlecolts," she spoke, and the ponies gathered tighter together and stopped talking. "Welcome to this year's Try-Your-Best Talent Tournament. For the next two days, a selection of Equestria's finest will set down challenges in their own respective fields of expertise. Competitors are given an opportunity to try to beat them. Whoever wins the most games will then go through to the final, against the pony whose challenge is either undefeated, the next best thing, or is voted the most popular by demand.

"Competitors and challengers, however, must put in one item to stake. A full list of rules can be found near any challenge arena."

"See, Twilight?" said Applejack. "Jus' like Ah said. Y'ain't got nothin' ter worry about."

There was a thud. Then there was another thud. The ground shook, and ponies bounced each time it did so. Everyone was looking around for the source of the noise. Then Humble Pie cruised into view, laying down each hoof as if in a slow applause.

"Spiffing speech, my little pony," he said, climbing up onto the stage. "They say that the scroll containing a filly's first speech becomes the cutie mark of a good Mayor."

"I am Humble Pie, and I wish to give a message to the citizens of Ponyville." To the Mayor's astonishment, he hooked the microphone and pulled it towards himself with a foreleg. It was like watching a redwood swing both ways. "Fillies and gentlecolts, it is truly an honour to be a guest to today's Tournament, hosted here by your most gracious and hardworking Mayor."

There was a pause. The ponies began stamping their hooves in applause, but it was slow to start and hesitant throughout.

"And I predict it is going to be a historical event this year. For I, Humble Pie, wish to step forwards as a competitor."

"Oh, well," said the Mayor, clearly wanting not to lose face, "I admire your spirit and enthusiasm, Mr Pie. And may I take this excellent opportunity to remind every pony who has not yet signed up to be a competitor…"

"And furthermore," he said, overriding her, "I wish to make the following challenge."

Humble raised his head. It was already at such a height that most ponies had to crane their necks to look up at him, but now they were looking so high up that it reminded them of their early years, when they were foals staring up at the Royal Guards for the first time. A few ponies cowered like newborns.

"I have spent many, many years training myself in the mountain home from which I came. From each race of pony I have taken its defining power and sweated day and night to master it: from the Earth pony, physical strength; from the pegasus, the power of flight; and from the unicorn, magic. I have learned from the very best wielders of each talent, and have competed against the worthiest of rivals. Here me, Ponyville; I will defeat each and every one of you, at your own games."

Humble Pie stamped a hoof for quiet. To the ponies, it was as if the storm had briefly returned. They fell silent.

"Not interesting enough for you, eh?" he said. From behind his back, he pulled out a parchment, sealed with a ceremonial ribbon, and balanced it on a hoof. "How about I raise the stakes?"

All eyes fell on the parchment, which he passed over to a nearby unicorn in the front row, who caught it with surprise and made it hover in midair next to him.

"I will wager my Seal of Mayoralty to the competition. If you win," he said, speaking over the flurry of chatter that followed, "I surrender the town of Colt Lake City in the mountainous land of Yee-Haw, to do with as you please. But if I win, by the rules of the Tournament, that means that Ponyville must surrender its own Seal, and I will become the new Mayor of Ponyville."

"B-but, b-but," said the Mayor, starting to sway in shock. "Y-you c-can't do that! M-Mayors have to be elected. And you c-can't have one pony being M-Mayor of two towns."

"Very well," he said. He turned to the audience. "Is there any pony here who would wish to disagree with me concerning this proposal? If so, raise your right hoof now, or forever hold your peace."

There was a deathly silence. Only Rainbow Dash, Applejack, Twilight, and Rarity (once they'd given her a nudge) raised their hooves, Twilight swapping once she remembered left from right. Everypony else was too captivated by those iron-clad hooves to make a move.

"Very well," said Humble Pie, ignoring the four at the back. "That's the election over with. And as for the rule against one pony being Mayor of two districts, well… I don't remember seeing it written down anywhere. Did you, Mayor?"

The Mayor spluttered and began twisting her mane between her forelegs. He returned to the microphone.

"The terms of my challenge are these: I will graciously step down to the first pony who can outright defeat me in his or her own arena. If I am defeated by a single pony, that pony wins. But if I defeat each and every one of you, on your own terms, then I win. Any takers? Or are you all too scared of being beaten?"

"Rainbow Dash, hold it!" But Twilight was too late; Dash had already shot directly for the stage and was now inches away from Humble's nose.

"I'll put you in your place, you dork of a donkey. You think you're so hot? Try a challenge from the Pegasus Division of this competition. A pegasus-versus-pony race. One obstacle course. On wings. Let's see you try and beat that."

"Excellent! We have our first challenger!" said Humble Pie, in a voice better suited for the ringmaster of a circus. Fireworks exploded above them and streamers rained down on them. "Then LET THE GAMES BEGIIIIIIIIN!"

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Baking for Humble Pie

by Impossible Numbers

Part One: The Humble Pie