"Cave Johnson here, long time no see, everypony. So I've been thinking, what if somepony just walks in a dark alley, then gets assaulted by fruit? I mean, what would he do!? There's no way he'd survive a banana to the face, so that's why I will be trying to weaponize everyday things, such as fruit, Fluttershy's cuteness, toilet plungers, bad music, toast, printers, math... Uh, that's all I got. Anyway, I'll be handing the lead to Twilight now."
"Thank you, Mr. johnson sir. It's good to be back in our lab... talking to this blank wall... again... with nopony watching us. Uh, anyway, let's transition to the testing fields." The two scientists disappeared in a flash of black that covered the screen. The scene opened up to Pinkie Pie taking a bath. She happily hummed Smile to herself as the water washed over her. She opened her eyes, staring directly at the audience.
"Oooh, the author put the wrong transition in. Don't worry, I'll fix it!" A series of exploding ninjas jumped around the screen, accompanied by cats with lasers strapped onto their backs. Once the transition subsided, the new scene revealed our two scientist standing on a familir meadow. A white table was laid out in front of them. It was covered with various items, and a strange alien gun thing. That had a fake Chuck Norris beard on it.
"Welcome, everypony!" Twilight said as she faced the audience. "I'm the main character and-"
"Wait wait, I'm the main character," Johnson interrupted Twilight. There was a brief pause as Twilight learned the hierarchy of the story.
"Oh. Okay then, back to science... Is that a hitchhiking otter?" Twilight pointed to an otter on the table. The otter had his thumb up, and the words, 'Death to thumbtacks' was on his head. Cave pushed the otter off the table, and it ran away.
"Nope! Now, let's weaponize this nose hair comb!"
"For science!"
"Twi, get the gun thingy that turns things into other things that you can attack ponies with,"
"Don't you mean the gun thingy that turns objects into things that you can attack ponies with?"
"Oh yeah, that. Let's start this test!" Twilight picked up the alien gun thing in her hooves, aimed it at the nose hair comb, and a green chunk of yogurt blasted out.
Meanwhile, at a random shopping center.
"Whadda mean I can't go in there!" Lyra yelled.
"I'm sorry, but all customers must be wearing shopping carts on their hooves. It's a rule," the store owner said as he blocked Lyra from entering.
"How do I get these shopping carts?"
"You can buy them in this store, and only this store."
"Then how do I get them if you won't let me in!?"
"You must do math while dancing to The Pinkie Pokie."
"Noooooooo! Not math! Anything but that! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo *cough* ooooooooooooooooooo! Oh, hey Rarity. Ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!" Rarity walked past the screaming Lyra, and had shopping carts on her hooves.
Back to the scientists.
The nose hair comb glowed purple, and morphed into a fried marshmallow. A mouth on the marshmallow took shape, along with yellow eyes and a rainbow unibrow. "Eat me, eat me, eat me," the marshmallow chanted in a German accent. Cave nudged it with his hoof, making it fall over. "Ow! Dat kinda hurt. Are you still gonna eat me?" Out of nowhere, Starfire dived at the marshmallow from the air. She grabbed the food in her mouth, and flew off.
"Well, didn't see that coming," Johnson said.
"Was it for science?" Twilight asked.
"Everything's for science! Except eating soggy toast. That's never science."
"Okay, next experiment! Let's see... Fluttershy's cuteness."
"I'll just... stand back here. You can do it." Cave Johnson then ran back about 50 feet. Twilight aimed the alien gun at Fluttershy, and pulled the trigger. This time, frozen hippies shot out. They all fell a few inches short of Fluttershy, but Fluttershy flinched, causing a shockwave of cuteness to hit Twilight. Twi's eyes spun around as she tried to stand. Cave Johnson walked up to her, and held her still. Twilight shook her head and returned to normal.
"I'd call that a success."
"I would also, now, what can we do with bananas?"
"Mr. Johnson sir, why bananas? Why not pointed sticks?"
"Pointed sticks? POINTED STICKS!? What if some psychopathic lunatic comes rushing at you at night, with a basket of fresh fruit!?"
"Yeah!"
"Then what will you do!? What would happen if somepony lunges at you with a passion fruit!? You'd be dead!"
"Yeah! You're right! We need to train everypony in Equestria about fruit self-defense before something bad happens! Can you think of all that damage somepony can cause with an orange?! We need to lockdown Sweet Apple Acres before anypony can realize how many ponies they could hurt with that many apples!"
"Um, excuse me Mr. Johnson, but I don't think that's really possible." Fluttershy said. Cave ran up to her.
"Oh, so when you get assaulted by cherries, DON'T COME CRYING TO ME!" Cave yelled, then breathed heavily.
"Okay! Sorry!"
"I think the science dude just went off the deep-end," Rainbow said to the block of cardboard she was playing poker with on a cloud over Cave Johnson.