//------------------------------// // Lyra Heartstrings: Naturalist Extraordinaire // Story: Lyra Heartstrings v. Republic of Terra // by PegasusKlondike //------------------------------// They thought she was crazy. Everypony always said there was something severely wrong with that minty unicorn from Canterlot, and it made her a bit of an oddity in the already odd town of Ponyville. Oh no, it's perfectly normal for an Ursa Minor, a swarm of parasprites, a fully grown freaking dragon, and not to mention the embodiment of chaos to attack and completely destroy all of Ponyville in the span of one year. But she talks about hands and humans once at a town hall meeting, and suddenly everypony starts snickering at her when she's out in public. Okay, not just once. And there was the time she tried the Running of the Leaves bipedally. And then the time where she nearly burned down hers and Bon Bon's house trying to build artificial fingers. .....And she may have once been an unwilling pawn and bridesmaid to a changeling queen. Well not anymore! Lyra could barely contain her excitement, but she had to. The thick camouflage ghilly suit was making her sweat profusely in the abnormally warm air of early summer. But she didn't care, for today, her entire life would be validated. Peering through her spotting scope at a pond in the edges of the Everfree Forest, she knew that her prey would make its first appearance to her. Nearly twenty years of research, speculation, snooping around some of the oldest libraries in existence, and even constant monitoring by the Royal Guards themselves would pay off. Today, she would see her first human. Or at least she hoped. Hopefully it wasn't Sasquatch Samuel again, just doing his normal woodland business by the edge of the pond. She even talked to Sam once or twice, nice guy and all that, but his footprints were way too large to be the prints of the creature she had been tracking near Sweet Apple Acres a few weeks ago. She had placed all her eggs in this one basket, and had prepared her 'I told you so!' banner and speech that she would rub into everypony's face when she brought back concrete evidence of human existence. Fully outfitted in gear she had discreetly bought out of the back of one of those explorer magazines, she waited patiently for her quarry to arrive. "How the heck do those ponies do this? This damn outfit is supposed to be breathable!" she said to herself, wiping the copious sweat from her brow with a hoof. Daring Do always looked so comfortable in those khakis, on the cover of all those books. Underneath the burlap surface of her camouflage, Lyra's khaki shirt clung to her skin. "I bet Daring Do never had to hide under a soggy ghilly suit." She remembered how she had begun this actual field work instead of relying solely on hearsay and intense research. It had been about three weeks ago, a couple of weeks after the Cutie Mark Crusaders had caused a ruckus by digging up something in Sweet Apple Acres. Her good friend Doctor Whooves had taken over for the fillies, getting rather serious about the excavation. But it seemed that almost as soon as he started making progress, a near full battalion of Royal Guards swooped in, declaring the excavation to be hazardous to the health of any diggers. And before Lyra could get her two-bits on the dig site, they destroyed it. Those damn cut and paste pegasi brutes destroyed the whole damn thing! And after Doctor Whooves had been arrested, they disappeared. The six mares who seemed to be the cause of most trouble around Ponyville, Twilight Sparkle and her friends, just vanished without a trace or even a goodbye note. Lyra thought it was very odd, but it did not really concern her interests, seeing as those real weirdos just happened to do that fairly often. But what did pique her interest was the tale that The Doc had told her after his house arrest ended. Something about strange bones, bones only comparable to those of Zebrican apes. And from years of study and research, Lyra knew that what made those apes unique was hands. They had hands to manipulate just about anything in their environment. And what else had hands in her book? Humans. The human-ape connection could be possible, but many creatures had hands, like minotaurs and diamond dogs. The weeks had drifted by slowly, Lyra made money by teaching the lyre to young students and Bonbon filled in the slack with her candy-making business. She enjoyed her time with her new wife, but then they reappeared, those six mares reappeared with some new creature in tow. He stayed hooded and cloaked at all times, but his height and his stance drew Lyra to the creature called 'Ambassador Zinra'. She'd been too intimidated by the tall creature to approach it properly, but the way it moved, and the way it acted around ponies made her wonder. Does he know something I don't? Does he have any relation or knowledge of the things that have consumed my time, my studies and my life? And right about the time Ambassador Zinra showed up, some of Bonbon's customers started telling rumors of a strange creature that wandered around at night. A tall biped that zipped from shadow to shadow, skulking about to avoid the guard patrols. From there on, she spent much of her time in the Everfree Forest, knowing that the strange creature could just be a remnant of her obsession, hiding out on the outskirts of Ponyville. She saw no sign of bipeds in the Everfree, that is, until she wandered out into Sweet Apple Acres one day about three weeks ago. There they had been, plain as beautiful day. The tracks of a bipedal creature, with five toes and no claws like Ambassador Zinra. With those tracks plastered and on a shelf in her private room, she completely annihilated any connection between the strange reptilian ambassador and a possible human that had wandered out of the Everfree. Sure, her recent spike in her crazy obsession was worrying Bonbon half to death, but Lyra knew better than her. The possible human had disappeared for a few weeks, then, she spotted signs of him by this very pond. More tracks, and fresh enough to still feel the warmth of his feet. Lyra's extreme reminiscence was cut short by the sound of a snapping twig along the game trail she overlooked. Encompassing her binoculars in magic, she scanned slowly for any signs of the creature. A flicker of movement caught her eye. Her heart pounded like a drum, threatening to burst out of her ribs with excitement. But nothing showed itself, and Lyra huffed as she set down her binoculars. Another twig snapped nearby, and she levitated her binoculars again. Adjusting the focus, a red-amber blur resolved into a pair of eyes staring right through the binoculars. "Howdy, Mrs Lyra!" The mint green unicorn shrieked, easily leaping six feet into the air, ghilly suit and all. Trembling from being startled so suddenly, Lyra tore off her camouflage. Sitting a few feet in front of her blind were none other than the Cutie Mark Crusaders. "Girls! What are you doing out here? Shouldn't you be in school or something?" "It's a Saturday, Mrs Lyra," Sweetie Belle told the mare. "Yeah! And we're taking this opportunity to get our cutie marks!" Scootaloo said, pulling a black band over her forehead. Lyra rolled her eyes, using her magic to repair the damage to her blind. "What could you possibly get a cutie mark for out here in the woods?" The three fillies glanced at each other, jumping into the air and clapping their hooves together. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS NINJA WARRIORS!" "Ninja...warriors. How can you be ninja warriors out in the woods? And try not to be so loud! You might scare it off." "We're practicin' bein' stealthy by sneakin' up on critters!" Apple Bloom replied to Lyra. Lyra slapped a hoof to her face. "Oh boy. I'm sorry to say this girls, but that will never work." "Yeah it will, we snuck up on you, didn't we?" Lyra lifted a hoof to point out the flaw in their logic. But stopped herself when it proved to be more flawless than the diamonds that Rarity coveted so fiercely. "Look, you girls need to head on out, there's a creature out here that might be dangerous, and I'm out here to do some research on it. So just head on back to town and play some hopscotch or something. I know I'd like a hopscotch cutie mark," Lyra said to the fillies. The trio of fillies raised their eyebrows. "Dangerous critter? Well why the heck didn't ya say so?" Again they leapt into the air, clapping their hooves together. "CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS MONSTER HUN-" "Shh!" Lyra hissed to them. "This is a big monster that eats only little fillies that don't listen to their elders! Now shoo before it catches your scent!" She cupped a hoof to her ear. "Oh no, I think I hear it coming! Can you hear it? It's saying, 'Fee Fi Fo Fum, I smell the blood of little fillies." The Crusaders just stared at her like she was a loon. "Are you serious?" "Dead serious." The Crusaders shrugged and trotted off back towards town, leaving Lyra once again in the serenity of the forest. Shaking her head at the odd little fillies, she pulled her ghilly suit back on, hunkering down on the forest floor and hoping they hadn't arrived at exactly the wrong time and scared it away. ****************************** "I'm walkin' on sunshine, woooah! I'm walkin' on sunshine, woooah! And don't it feel good!" the strange bipedal creature sang out loud as he walked the forest trail. "Yeah! You bet your feathers it does!" he said to a pair of bluebirds in their nest, looking at the oddity with obvious confusion. The birds slapped their wings to their heads, hopefully to drown out the abhorrent, offkey singing. Toting a borrowed fishing pole on his shoulder, he whistled the tune, a bounce in his step. "Ah, things are finally looking up for me. I saved humanity from certain extinction, brought peace back to the land and even made myself a home in the nicest town on Earth. Damn it's good to be alive! Heck, my parents are even proud of me!" He started singing again, inventing his own lyrics. "Princess Luna is my fri-end, woooah! Stopped a genocide from happening, woooah! Brought magic to humanity, woooah! And don't it feel good!" he sang as he flicked a small ball of light at a branch, making the flower buds bloom. He was different than most humans, certain interactions with a deity and massive infusions with an entire army of souls had endowed the singing human with his own certain brand of magic. But as the human populace slowly started to replenish, so would magic users like him. As far as he knew, there was only one other like him so far, and she was just three weeks old. Whistling the never-ending tune in his own way, he almost felt like skipping to the pond he had found a few days ago. With humanity on the rebound after two thousand years of absence, nature had really reclaimed everything she lost. The trees here in the Everfree were titanic in size, just like the virgin forests of early America. And with the size of the fish he saw jumping out of that pond, his fingers felt itchy to put line on water. Which was a double benefit to the omnivorous human, he could enjoy a little protein if he caught something. Yeah, Ponyville was a great town and all, but getting meat there was harder than buying dirty movies at a convent. Ponies just didn't have any need for the stuff, and most found it utterly revolting. "Ooohhhh!!! I'm walkin' on sunshin- AAAIIIEEEEE!!!" the human shouted as something small and hoofed leapt on his back, throwing a pair of hooves over his eyes. He calmed as he recognized the trademark giggle, and smiled as he pulled Apple Bloom off his back. "And just what do you think you're doing?" he said to the squirming filly in his hands. "Gettin' mah ninja cutie mark, cousin!" she replied. "Oh ho! So it's ninjas today?" He set down Apple Bloom, scanning around for the other two fillies that had to be hiding somewhere nearby, ready to pounce on him. "Come out, come out, wherever you are. Aaannndd, GOTCHA!" He spread the leaves on a bush, scaring Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo out of their ambush. "Haha, ninjas! You could not escape me!" The Crusaders all leapt on him, taking him down to the ground. "Oh no, I've been defeated! I yield, I yield!" The Crusaders all beamed at their victory over the human menace, climbing off him and letting him stand back up. "Whatcha doin' out here, Aaron?" asked Apple Bloom. "Well little cousin, I thought I'd just try the old hand at fishing." It was fairly obvious there was no real relation between the human and the pony. But the Apples considered him one of the bunch. "Does Applejack know you're out wandering the woods? And how about you, Sweetie Belle. Does Rarity know where you are?" The fillies tried to put on their most innocent grins, and no matter the heart melting effectiveness it had on the human, it still was not enough. Grinding a hoof tip into the ground, they shook their heads. "Well you better head on back to town before something a lot meaner than me shows up and snatches you away." The Crusaders began to walk back along the trail, their heads hung low in dejection. Aaron felt like he had kicked a puppy. "Aw, to make it up to you, here's some bits. Go on and buy yourselves something sweet in town." "Thank you!" they chimed together, taking his offered coins and rushing back towards Ponyville. He chuckled to himself, not regretting a moment of this home he had been offered by ponykind. Grabbing up his pole, he continued along the trail, remembering how he had been given so much so generously. The Apple family had been there for Aaron in his time of greatest need, and had been a shoulder to cry on after his somber duties of remembrance. He remembered that night, only a few weeks ago, yet it seemed like eternity after what had happened. Granny Smith had seen his plight after erecting that monument in their orchard, seeing that his heart was crushed by grief for the fallen people of his race. Granny had given him the most precious gift he had ever received, she had shared her family with him. And from that day forth, he proudly called himself a member of the Apple family. But after that, things had become even stranger than having talking ponies and other animals take over the world from a technologically superior race, if that was possible. Although it was crystal clear in his memory, he didn't really like to think about it much. There were many moments that stood out, like being captured, being thrown in prison, being somewhat tortured by the sinful memories of his mostly extinct race, meeting God, getting possessed by aforementioned God, and ultimately becoming the avatar of all darkness before being purified by the Elements of Harmony, thus giving him the power to do the same for the resurrected humanity. So much of that crap, and all in about two weeks. Hell, the strain and difficulty of it had actually killed him at one point. But the deity colloquially known as 'Mother' would have none of that, and kicked his sorry soul back into his body to finish the job. Continuing along the trail, he spied his goal glittering in the summer sunlight just past this next layer of trees. Walking out of the treeline, he picked a nice spot along the bank and tossed his lure out, settling in for a nice afternoon of fishing for some decent food. *********************************************** Lyra's heart nearly stopped as something came quietly along the trail to the pond. At first, she was sure it was another deer or something, maybe even a prankster squirrel again. But no, this strange creature just walked boldly out into the open, toting a fishing pole. As it settled by the shore of the pond, Lyra magicked out her notebook and pencil, scribbling notes on the majestic creature before her. "This is Lyra Heartstrings; musician, theorist, and most recently, naturalist," she whispered to herself, the excitement of the situation inflating what little ego remained in her. "Today is a glorious day for science and indeed all Equestria, the day when I personally discovered humans. The creature in front of me is about six feet tall, give or take a few inches. It has short hair, brown in coloration. Though the limit of this coverage seems to be the top of the head, almost like a mane. I believe I shall name it. I shall call this beautiful creature Homo Lyrus, in honor of its discoverer." Setting down her pencil and peering out through the eyeholes of her suit, she continued her study of the proud and mighty human. He just seemed to stand there, doing nothing but fishing. He twitched for a second, breaking one of his fingered hands away from the fishing pole and indiscreetly scratching what she guessed to be its flank. "So majestic..." Lyra whispered, wiping a tear of beauty from her eye. "This explorer notes the use of short claws on the hand for removal of parasites through its clothing. Fingers appear to be long and dexterous, possibly evolved for climbing trees and plucking fruit. Short claws may prove strong enough to dig for tubers, but this will remain unknown until further observation." The human began to reel in his bait, casting it out again at a different area of the pond. Taking in a breath, it began to whistle some strange, repetitive tune. Lyra's heart raced. Possible mating call?! she scribbled down. "If so, I can estimate the human mating season to begin in late spring or early summer. How wonderful it would be to see a female walk out and begin the mysterious courtship rituals, maybe even witness them breeding!" Lyra waited anxiously for any signs of additional humans to enter the clearing as the creature several yards in front of her continued his strange tune. "Hmm, possible rarity of humans may indicate the futility of his mating call. This explorer shall move on to the test that she can perform while the creature is still comfortable in its natural environment." Carefully lifting the edge of her ghilly suit, she levitated a potato, chucking it at the human. The spud flew through the air, landing in the dirt next to his feet. Startled by the appearance of the random potato, the creature leapt back a step, clutching the fishing pole like a weapon. Its shoulders dropped and an eyebrow raised as he inspected his assailant spud. Leaning down and picking it up, he began to look closely at it. "Subject is inspecting my offering! Perhaps this shall result in first concrete knowledge of its diet." Lyra held her pencil ready as the creature inspected the potato, waiting for it to begin feasting. It glanced around for the source of the strange, flying tuber. With a shrug, it tossed the potato over its shoulder, resuming its fishing. "Hmm, subject appears disinterested in my offering, perhaps it is not dependent on a starch heavy diet? I shall conclude my field studies and bring subject back to my lab." Lyra levitated a small tube out from her saddlebag, placing a dart into it. Holding it to her lips, she aimed at the creature's flank and blew as hard as she could. The dart zoomed through the air, impacting solidly in his buttock. The humans seized up, reaching down with hand and yanking the dart from his ass. Holding it in front of his face, he inspected it with the greatest confusion. "Huh?" he said as he scratched his head. "Tranquilizer ineffective! I'll have to put another in him!" Quickly Lyra loaded another dart, shooting this one into his arm. Again he winced at the impact, looking down dreamily at the second dart. He swooned on his feet, rocking around as the tranquilizer took effect. "Hehehe," he dumbly giggled before he fell forward, flat on his face into the mud. A few bubbles rose as he gurgled in the mud. Lyra crept from her stand, putting another dart in her blowgun and approaching cautiously. Nudging it with a hoof, it remained unresponsive. A huge smile broke her face in two, and she pumped a hoof in victory. "Bagged him!" Flipping the heavy creature onto his back, she cleared the mud from his nose and mouth, lest her precious biped suffocate. "That's right, they all called me crazy! Now who's laughing!" she cackled as she draped a tarpaulin over his still form, levitating his incredibly heavy form. "Holy Celestia, who the heck knew he could be this heavy?" With his feet dragging on the ground, Lyra began to drag him back to her home to begin a more proper examination, possibly even a vivisection. **************************************************** Bonbon hummed quietly as she trotted through her very brightly decorated kitchen. Grabbing a tube of white chocolate in her teeth, she began to draw the decorative white chocolate lines across her latest batch of chocolate truffles. Sure, she had all day tomorrow to make candy, but chocolate truffles always seemed to sell out quickly on Sundays, and being prepared never hurt anypony. Especially since she was in direct competition with those uppity Cakes and their baked goods, curse that Pinkie Pie and her otherworldly ability to make sweets that damn quickly! A strand of her blue and pink mane fell from her hairnet, and she placed down her tube of white chocolate to slide the wayward strand back into place. Looking at the clock, she realized she had forgotten something. "Oh shoot! It's my turn to make dinner tonight!" And with how Lyra had been acting lately, Bonbon thought she should make her favorite dish, just to get her mind off things and hopefully bring her wife back from her obsessive craziness for a few hours. Sure, it was a bit of a hassle living with with one of Ponyville's most notorious loonies, but there were things about Lyra that more than made up for her unnatural obsession. She was sweet, caring, kind, and always tried to give more than she received. But what made Bonbon fall in love with her was her boldness. Lyra was not afraid to declare her love for the meek and soft spoken Bonbon, even though many ponies still frowned upon them being filly-foolers. She stood up for her beliefs, even though they were outlandish and strange like her belief in humans. No matter how much anypony told her that she was wasting her time, Lyra always stuck to her guns. And Lyra had even been the one bold enough to drop to her knees in public and pull out that ring. The unicorn had always been a pillar of strength for Bonbon, but Lyra was more fragile than she seemed. She was lonely after she moved here from Canterlot to live in the "countryside" of Ponyville. Nopony would really talk to the Canterlot transplant, but one day at her sweet shop, Bon Bon broke the ice with Lyra. They became quick friends, the outspoken unicorn seeming to make up for the softer personality of Bonbon. And her lovable, level headed thinking seemed to rub off on Lyra, making her take the gentler, more thoughtful option where the more rambunctious or even risky option would have been the unicorn's first choice. And only a few months after they became friends, their relationship went to a whole new level when they went to see a play in Canterlot. Something about being home in Canterlot made Lyra even bolder and more confident than she was in Ponyville. And as the snowflakes twirled through the lamplight of a lonely Canterlot avenue, the streets bedecked with the regalia of the holiday season, something inside of both mares drew them together. Perhaps it was the warmth of the other mare's touch, perhaps it was this unbreaking and undying friendship that had weathered so many trials. But under that lamppost, outside the theater in Canterlot, they shared their first kiss. Bonbon sighed, a smile creeping up her lips at the fair and fond memory of sharing such a passionate and loving moment with the mare who had become her partner for life. Pulling out the skillet, she lit the stove and began to dice some shallots to saute in butter. Lyra always loved pan sauteed mushrooms with shallots, but that was just an appetizer. Another one of her wife's quirks, loving the appetizer more than the meal, even where food wasn't concerned. Thinking about that had Bonbon's cheeks lighting up scarlet, though she was alone. Tonight was going to be Lyra's favorite, celeriac stew. And though it was more of a winter vegetable, the market stalls still had a few left over, which was why this was going to be a big surprise for Lyra. "Come to think of it, where is Lyra?" Bonbon mused out loud. There had been a big town hall meeting that morning about the absolution of a recent military crisis, and the declaration by none other than the ambassador of this once hostile race about their peaceful intent from here on out. Of course Pinkie Pie had squealed in her seat, letting everypony know she was holding a huge party to properly welcome her new friend, a creature called 'Ambassador Patterson'. Not to mention to celebrate the end of a long standing war that had apparently been raging secretly for two millenia between their races. Bonbon thought little of it, strange creatures came and went from Ponyville all the time, that strange biped was nothing special. And as for this supposed 'war', Bonbon thought even less of that. Her brother was enlisted in the Equestrian Royal Army, and often sent letters home to his little sister about how brutal the pie throwing skirmish had been between the bison and the immigrant Appaloosans. Of course, that zebra that lived out in the woods had been too shocked to say anything at first, running from the town hall and screaming something about how the chimpanzees were right and shouting something in her native tongue. Bonbon had to wonder what 'Wale Mrefu' meant. But Lyra hadn't been there at all, and Bonbon hadn't seen her since she left that morning, muttering something about 'today being the day'. The sun was well past its zenith, and the stew well on its way to being dinner when Lyra decided to show herself. A knock came at Bonbon's front door, and the mare cocked an eyebrow as she read a book in her living room. "Who could be visiting today?" Again the knock came, and not wanting to rise from her comfy seat, she simply called out, "Come in!" For a third time the pounding knock on her front door came, more frantic this time. Groaning at having to leave her warm and cozy couch, she rose and walked over to the front door. Opening up, Lyra burst in with some soggy, muddy and dripping thing wrapped in a tarp. The unicorn was covered in camouflage paints, and twigs visibly poked out from her white and green mane. "Bonbon! Close the blinds, lock the door, I don't want anypony to see this before I have my chance at studying it!" Bonbon wrinkled her nose at the scents of mud and pond water drifting from the tarp covered lump. "What's under there?" Lyra slapped Bonbon's hoof away as she tried to peer underneath. "I'll show you when it's more private! Now get the blinds!" Concerned for her wife, Bonbon lowered the blinds and locked the front door. "Good, now grab his feet and help me drag him into my lab!" "He?!? Wait, you have a lab?!" Lyra's horn glowed with golden magic, lifting what she could of the unconscious creature. "Yeah, it's my special room. You know, the one I always lock?" "Your lyre practice room?" "Yeah, that one. NOW GRAB HIS FEET!" Bonbon lifted the limp legs and placed them on her back, helping Lyra drag the creature down stairs and into the room attached to their basement. Lyra opened the lock with her magic, opening the door to the room that she had wisely kept secret from Bonbon. (And even more importantly the Equestrian government.) Bonbon dropped her half of the bundle, gawking at the shear amount of conspiracy theorist stereotypes lining the walls of Lyra's special room. Pages from old books were taped to the walls, shelves of plaster footprints and bone fragments inside of jars accompanied piles of rusted junk and even what looked like a few artist's renditions of possible human anatomy. A huge map of the known world covered an entire wall, pins stuck in at places where Lyra had been to search for evidence of humans. And apparently the unicorn had done quite a bit of traveling before she met Bonbon. A single dingy lantern dimly lit the entire room, hanging over a large wooden table. With a heave and a burst of her magic, Lyra shoved her bundle onto the table, panting from the exertion of dragging him from the Everfree Forest back to her house, and being covert in the process. "Lyra, what is that?!" Bonbon finally said to her wife. Sitting on her haunches, Lyra's panting broke into a victorious smile. "Hold on a moment." Her horn flared to life one more time, pulling out a large sheaf of paper that she hung from some pegs on the ceiling. In bold, black letters, gold paint with plenty of ribbon, lace, and a shower of confetti, the banner unfurled to read: I TOLD YOU SO! Bonbon slapped a hoof to her mouth. "Oh my goddess.... Lyra, that had better not be what I think it is under that tarp." Lyra stood on her hind legs, dramatically posing over the lumpy tarp. "I was gonna wait for a press conference to do this, but, BEHOLD! Homo Lyrus!" She tore back the tarp to reveal the unconscious human. Bonbon fell completely silent, her slack jaw quivering with horror. Lyra sauntered over proudly, holding her head high as she chided Bonbon. "I'm sorry, what was that? Lyra, you were right the entire time? I'm sorry for being a nonbeliever? Apology accepted, dearest." Lyra smooched the still shocked and motionless mare on the cheek. "Lyra....you killed the Ambassador!" Lyra gave a nervous laugh. "What? That's not Ambassador Zinra! And also he's-" Bonbon grabbed her wife by the shoulders, glaring straight into her golden eyes. "NOT AMBASSADOR ZINRA!!! AMBASSADOR PATTERSON!!! The representative of Equestria's new allies! And you killed him!" "Wait, WHAT?! New allies!? When did this all start?" "Remember a few weeks ago when the entire Royal Army marched through Ponyville? They were marching to fight his kind on the other side of bison territory! They averted a war and we gained them as allies?! Any of this ringing a bell, Lyra?" Lyra tapped her chin with a hoof. "Now that you mention it..." "And you killed him! Oh goddess, do you know what the punishment is for murdering foreign dignitaries? Because I don't know! They'll probably turn you over to his people's government, and then they'll probably throw you in a cage over a pit filled with snakes or something for the rest of your life!" "Well actually-," Lyra tried to interject. Bonbon grabbed the unicorn around the neck, softly stroking her mane and rocking back and forth. "Shh, shh. It's okay. I won't let them take you away! Not after all the crap I went through to get you! No, they won't take my precious Lyra away." Lyra tried to wriggle free, but the earth pony tightened her grip. "Honey, you're scaring me." "Shh, quiet now, you've done your part. Now don't you worry your pretty little head, Mama Bonbon is gonna take care of this. Now where do we keep our ax? On second thought, I have some kitchen knives that would probably do the job just fine." "Bonbon," Lyra tried to interrupt her. The custard earth pony let go of Lyra, scurrying over to the "corpse" to find the way of doing this as cleanly as possible. "Yeah, we'll chop him into little pieces and bury them all over Equestria!" "Bonbon!" Lyra said louder. "And then we'll find some timber wolves and stuff his clothes in their den. It'll look like a random act of nature. We'll get off scot free!" "BONBON!!" "WHAT?! Don't interrupt me while I'm covering up your murderous tendencies! Now go get five gallons of hydrochloric acid!" Bon Bon ran out of the conspiracy room, rummaging for a second in a pile of stuff. Bringing out a rusty wood ax, she charged back in to begin hacking at his corpse. "He's not dead!" The blade of the ax hung mere inches from the human's chest. "Not...dead?" Lyra wrenched the ax from Bonbon's hoof with her magic. "No! He just has enough sedative in him to stop a charging bull minotaur. At least that's what the ad said. One shot drop or my bits back." Bonbon settled down, sitting on a stool and holding a hoof to her chest. "For Celestia's sake, Lyra. Don't scare me like that. I thought you murdered him and was getting ready to carve him up like a bar of soap!" "No, he's absolutely fine. Well, I hope he is, he is out pretty cold." Taking a step closer to Bonbon, Lyra cocked an eyebrow. "Would you really have hacked up the corpse of a foreign dignitary, dissolved him in acid, and framed his death on timber wolves, just to protect me?" Bonbon bit her lip, nodding slowly. Lyra smiled broadly. "I love you, Bonbon. Come on, let's wait til dark and dump him in some alleyway." "Aren't you going to examine him or something? I mean, it's not everyday that your life long dream comes true right before your eyes. And if we're going to prison for this, might as well make it worth it." Lyra kissed her beloved on the cheek again. "You always know just what to say. Now pass me that hypodermic needle and those shears. I want to get a few samples before we return him to the wild." ************************************************* Hours later, under the cover of darkness, they loaded the still drugged human into the back of Bonbon's cart, Lyra slipping inside as well. Dressed mane to hoof in all black spandex suits, they would try to do this as quickly and quietly as possible. "Heh, and you said I was thinking with my mind in the gutter when I bought these. I told you these suits would come in handy," Lyra jested to Bonbon. "Come in what now?" Lyra levitated an unconscious human hand. "Handy, get it?" She dropped it down with a thud, crouching down as Bonbon began to pull her wagon. "Okay, so apparently he lives with Twilight Sparkle in that weirdo tree library down the way. Just dump him on the doorstep as I run us by," Bonbon said as she hissed the plan to Lyra. Lyra nodded at the plan, staying low to avoid too many witnesses at this time of night. Bonbon picked up speed, the bumpiness of the wagon nearly throwing Lyra off her hooves. Careening down the midnight streets of Ponyville, they soon came upon the odd tree library where Lyra's fellow Canterlot native lived. Dropping the tailgate on the wagon, Lyra readied herself. And as Bonbon brought them zooming past the door, she shoved the inert form out of the back of the wagon. A little too hard it seemed, and Lyra winced as she saw the unconscious form land head on in a rose bush by the door, entangling deep in the thorny bush. "Ouch, that's gonna sting." Turning back to Bonbon, she gave the all clear sign, and the pair of mares wheeled their cart about, heading back to the relative safety of their shared house. ************************************************** The first rays of light peeked over the eastern horizon, the gentle warmth falling on the still unconscious figure sticking comically out of a rose bush in front of Twilight Sparkle's house. For the first time in a day, he began to move, groaning and shifting. "Oh...my head, OW, ooh, OUCH, DAMN IT!" Disentangling himself from the tight grip of the rose bush, he fell back on his buttocks, holding his pounding head with his hands and trying to pluck out all the stray thorns in his skin. The door to the library opened, a certain lavender unicorn walking out with a cup of coffee levitated in her aura. Taking a nonchalant sip, she regarded the human sitting on her stoop with a lack of concern. "Well then, did you have fun last night?" "Fun where, Twilight? I don't even remember anything past about noon." Twilight raised an eyebrow. "Really? I thought you were out drinking or licking salt or whatever it is you humans do for fun. Pinkie Pie was crushed that you didn't show up to her party, by the way. She wouldn't stop staring out the window, waiting for you to show up and apologize for being late." Aaron shook his head, remembering that he had missed his own welcoming party. He would be lucky if he could be around Pinkie without her using those dejected, puppy dog eyes that asked 'why?'."Oh crap. You gonna finish that cup of Joe?" Twilight passed it over to him, the human gulping the still burning hot coffee down. The unicorn sat down next to her friend on the stoop. "So what did happen? I mean, other than rudely not showing up at your own party and not telling anypony where you were or what you were doing." Aaron rubbed his chin with a finger. "You know, I have the strangest feeling that it's not my fault." Twilight rolled her eyes. "Typical male. Even across the species boundary it's always the same story." "This time it's not a lie. I was heading out to the woods to do...you know, omnivore stuff. I ran into Apple Bloom and her friends along the way, had a nice little bit of fun with them, and then made my way to the pond Fluttershy told me about." "The one where she gets all the fish for her minks and weasels and such?" "Yeah, that's the one. Anyways, I fished for a few minutes when a potato flew through the air and landed near me. Strangest thing ever. And then, I got hit with a dart in my ass! Things went black, and the next thing I know, I'm stuck in your rose bush. Which I'm sorry about destroying, by the way." Twilight looked rather confused. "So you blacked out, huh? That might just explain your new haircut and your new earring." Aaron snapped to full attention. "Wait, WHAT?!" Standing up, he turned around and looked at the library window to see his reflection. A large swath of his hair had been buzzed from his head, and a large plastic tag hung from his ear. Grabbing the tag, he flipped it over on his earlobe. "Number seven? Son of a bitch! I've been cataloged!" ************************************************* 'Nope, haven't seen a thing!' That was the official status Mrs and Mrs Heartstrings maintained when they received some visitors at their door the next morning. Bonbon's old business enemy, Pinkie Pie, had apparently gone door to door asking about her absent human friend. If somepony missed a Pinkie Pie palooza, they were sure to be hunted down and dragged to the next one by the overly energetic mare. So when she came to their door, bouncing up and down with a concerned look on her face, Bonbon just threw on a fake smile and said she hadn't seen a thing, silently cursing the prying pink mare that was the bane of her candy business. So she was more concerned about her business than the imminent investigation into the human ambassador's abduction, so what? It kept her stress down and made both mares look less conspicuous. As punishment, Lyra had to scrub all the mud stains from the floor with her toothbrush, and since they had been so distracted, her favorite stew had cooked too long and was a pot of mush by the time they remembered. And to pile insult onto injury, Bonbon had gone completely frigid in the bedroom and swore that Lyra wasn't getting any for the next ten months, if they managed to avoid prison that long. Finishing up the last mud stain and laying out some fresh potpourri to hopefully dampen the smell, Lyra lay back on the couch, sitting like she guessed the human ambassador did. It seemed so odd, all her life she had waited for what happened yesterday, and now it just seemed like another bump in the road. She felt the aftershock of it, but it seemed small and a passing thing. Maybe now she could approach it in public, if she could ever break through that barrier of apprehension. Leaning back, she sighed in admiration. Everything that creature did was just so majestic. Sinking back into the cushions, Lyra came close to taking a small nap when a thunderous knock shook the front door. Oh crap oh crap oh crap! It's the Guards! What do I do, what do I do?! Lyra thought frantically. Hearing the same thunderous knock, Bonbon poked her head out of the kitchen. Lyra frantically signed with her hooves for Bonbon to get the door. Bonbon silently mouthed back, You get it! Lyra shook her head frantically, mouthing back. I don't want to get arrested! Grinding her teeth and rolling her eyes, Bonbon trotted over to the door, taking a deep breath before opening it. She breathed a sigh of relief that it was just Twilight Sparkle. "Hello, Ms Sparkle. Come to pick up a few of your favorite caramel filled chocolates?" Bonbon asked, relieved that it hadn't been the local law enforcement. Twilight bit her lip, wondering how to say this. "Actually, Bonbon, I'm here to see Lyra." Lyra's relief turned back to a freezing cold feeling in the pit of her stomach, like she had swallowed a chunk of ice. With a bead of sweat coming down her brow, Bonbon turned to Lyra. "Oh dearest, we have a visitor." With her limbs shaking like jelly, Lyra walked over to the doorway to meet with her fellow Canterlot native. Putting on the most convincing smile she could, Lyra greeted the librarian. "Hello Twilight, how can I help you this fine day?" "Actually, Lyra. I'm not here to talk to you, he is." Stepping aside, a very tall figure filled Lyra's doorframe, easily a foot and a half taller than herself. His whipcord muscles bulged under that peachy skin, making him even more intimidating. And he looked positively pissed. Extending a clenched fist, he dropped something onto Lyra's doormat. The little yellow tag she had affixed to his ear yesterday looked melted and crushed, and a small speck of blood decorated it. Raising a hoof, Lyra awkwardly waved. "Um, hi. I'm Lyra." He extended a hand out again, holding his palm flat in front of Lyra's muzzle. A sense of bedazzlement entered Lyra's eyes, and she longed to just rub those glorious fingers across her face. "...hand...," she said dreamily, a goofy smile spreading across her face. "Give it back," the human growled. The stars in Lyra's eyes vanished. "You can talk!" she exclaimed. "Of course I can talk! I can't be the ambassador of my species if I can't talk! Now give it back!" "Give what back?" Lyra asked, honestly confused as to what he was talking about. "Oh, judging by how weak I am right now, the pint of my blood that you stole! Not to mention the bald patch that you left on my head!" Lyra's ears fell flat, her eyes wide at the creature of her dreams that was tearing her a new one. "How do you know it was me? I-it could have been anypony!" Staring her down, the human's eyes took on a glow, his outstretched hand erupting with a dancing green flame. If he looked angry before, now he looked like he could shatter bones with a stare, and the magic flowing from his stunning hands might just be capable of that. "Holy Celestia, you can do magic!" She looked back at his glaring eyes, practically ablaze with magic. "Okay, it was me. But-but-but I can make this up to you! How does that sound?" Lyra asked hopefully, hoping she could salvage this. "You shot me, TWICE." Lyra rubbed a hoof on her neck. "I didn't know the proper dosage." "You kidnapped me and dragged me through town." "Okay, I can explain-" "Did god-knows-what to me while I was unconscious!" Lyra cringed under his verbal assault. "Stole my blood and cut off my hair, and finally dumped me in a rosebush! AND YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE THIS UP TO ME?! Just give me back my blood and my hair, and I won't press charges!" Lyra was close to tears, her eyes watering at the sheer ferocity of how her dream creature had just talked to her. Turning around, she dejectedly walked to her basement, levitating the jar of blood and the hair samples in her aura. Taking them back upstairs she held them out for the human. Swiping the samples, he tucked them away in his pocket and left without another word. Twilight glanced at Lyra with a sorrowful gaze, knowing her fascination with humans and knowing how badly she had screwed up her first impression with the only human in Equestria at the moment. Shaking her head, Twilight trotted after the long striding human. Holding back her tears, Lyra charged up the stairs in the hallway, slamming her bedroom door behind her and weeping into her pillow. It was all her fault, all her dreams and an entire lifetime of being 'that weirdo with the crazy obsession' had boiled down to her royally bucking it up. Lyra's pillow became soggy from her tears, and it could not completely mask her sobs. The door to the bedroom creaked open, and the bed sagged when Bonbon sat down at the edge. "Lyra?" "Go away! I bucked up, I deserve this! I made another bad decision, and now everypony hates me!" Bonbon stroked her striped mint green mane. "Honey, it could have been worse. You gave him what he wanted, and he won't press charges." Lyra leaned out of her soggy pillow, her normally amber eyes red and puffy from crying. "He's the only human I'll ever know, and now he hates me!" Bonbon cradled the unicorn to her chest. "Oh Lyra, nopony hates you. And besides, you were right and everypony else was wrong about his kind. Isn't that something in itself?" Lyra shook her head. "All my life I've wanted to meet a human, sometimes I've even dreamed about what it was like to be one. And now, the first human to appear in Celestia-knows-how-long doesn't like me." Bonbon lay down on the bed next to her wife, hugging Lyra to her gently. "We catch more flies with honey, Lyra. We'll just have to work twice as hard next time. After all, it's the last impression that matters the most. Maybe in a couple of months we'll look back at this and laugh, and maybe he will too." Lyra sniffled, wiping her eyes with a hoof. "You always know just what to say." ********************************************************** Aaron dumped the jar of his blood somewhere in the outskirts of Ponyville and tossed the hair into the trash. It wasn't so much that he wanted it back, it was the principle of the matter. She had stolen from him, and he wanted justice for her injustice to him. He didn't quite understand why Lyra was so crushed about his visit, but hey, she wouldn't spend a day in prison for it. Working his way back to the library, he adjourned downstairs to his temporary quarters while he looked for a nice place to build a home for himself. Laying back he tried to drown out the world with some of the heaviest music on his mp3 player. Unfortunately, when the world itself is a Chatty Kathy, she's kind of hard to ignore. Say your prayers little one Don't forget, my son To include everyone Tuck you in, warm within Keep you free from sin Till the sandman he comes Sleep with one eye open Gripping your pillow tight Exit light Enter night Take my hand Aaron you could have really handled that better. "Wait a damn minute, that's not the original lyrics." He thumbed over to another song, a more docile one from the early twentieth century. I say I'll move the mountains And I'll move the mountains If he wants them out of the way Crazy he calls me Sure, I'm crazy She's over there crying her eyes out right now "Son of a bitch!" He thumbed over to a pure instrumental piece. "Gotcha now!" Good evening ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to dedicate this song to a little guy friend of mine. He's a cruel, selfish jerk who just shattered the hopes and dreams of a lovely young lady. "Alright! You win! What do you want now?" The strangely feminine voice shifted from his music player and into his very thoughts. I want you to apologize to that poor girl. "No way, I reserve my right as a living being to be pissed off when someone steals my vital fluids! Unlike you, Miss Deity, I need my blood to survive!" Oh pooh, you would have made more. But she can't make a new life long dream that everyone else will think is crazy and impossible. "You'd be surprised at what people are capable of." A flood of images from the past flew into his mind; mostly of wars, diseases, poverty, and finishing with a mushroom cloud. Don't remind me. But we're past that. That was the point of me guiding Twilight to you, so you could change what people perceived as human nature. And to reinforce that change, you should apologize to Lyra. Aaron rolled over on his cot, holding his pillow over his head in a futile attempt to drown out the voice of Mother. "Okay, I'll apologize! But I'll do it on my own terms and when I feel as though she has earned it." Fair enough.