Errant Finale

by Doug Graves


4 The Iron Bard

“On first thought,” Discord says abruptly, holding up his leonine paw against the six mares each with a snide remark on the tips of their tongues, “you mortals are entirely too predictable.”

“Discord,” Celestia deadpans, “what a surprise.”

“Oh, please,” Discord says; his eyes plop out of his skull, sprout wings and proceed to do cartwheels in the air. “Drop the false incredulity. I know you’re not that naive. Plus, I could hear you; perhaps you can talk our foes to death.”

Our foes?” Princess Luna retorts angrily. “Perhaps thou need’st a reminder of how our last encounter went!”

“I’m sure you remember it well, since your Sister did the same to you that she did to me. Pity it didn’t work out either time.” Discord sneers as he turns gray, still as a statue except that his mouth continues to move. “But I don’t cast ponies into lonely dimensions, either stone or cheese.”

Luna turns to Celestia, her wrath briefly redirected to her Sister, only for Lemon’s high pitched voice to interrupt from Discord’s antler. “Didn’t you turn Doug into stone?”

What?!” exclaims Rainbow Dash, many of the ponies worriedly looking outside at the gardens. Tears come to her eyes. “How could you…”

“Pffa! Hah!” Discord points at Rainbow Dash, giggling uproariously. “You should see the look on your faces!” He holds up a mirror, grinning even larger as Rainbow’s expression turns murderous. “Your loyalty is admirable, Rainbow Dash, just like the Element you represent. Pity you are so misguided.”

“No need to be so mean about it,” Fluttershy sniffles, timorously wiping a tear from her eye. “What did Doug ever do to you?

“Why, he rescued me, of course!” Discord’s paw and claw shoot off into the air, exploding into fireworks. “I would say it was quite the fine act of kindness; wouldn’t you agree?” He sighs at everypony’s continued harsh glares. “After he got better, he graciously allowed me to take these two with me.” Discord’s appendages reappear as the sparks of the fireworks transform into pieces of candy, the fillies eagerly reaching hoof and tongue out to snag them from midair. “Normally I would say that the hybrid leave nothing worth saving, but they’re so much fun! Wouldn’t you agree?”

“Pinkie Pie!” Applejack angrily shouts, turning to find the balloon of a mare edging her way towards Celestia’s plump tail. “Why is it both of your fillies switched sides?”

“He probably promised them candy,” Pinkie Pie admits, hooves finally in reach of the delicious repository of chocolate milk that is Celestia’s tail. She takes a long, noisy slurp, prompting an annoyed glance from the white alicorn. “Plus, I’m sure we’ll all end up on the winning side!” Pinkie Pie grows even larger as she buries her rotund body into Celestia’s tail, her already massive girth steadily increasing.

“Optimistic as always from the Element of Laughter!” Discord smiles before he sneers at Applejack. “Though I can’t say I’m surprised from the Element of Honesty. Do you have to be so rigid about things?” He snaps his claws, Applejack toppling over as her knees lock. Her mouth ends up in the torrent still flowing down the stairs, unable to gag as milk seeps down her throat.

A blue aura surrounds Applejack, Rarity dashing forwards to lift her herdmate and allow the milk to drain from her mouth. “I can’t believe we’re wasting our time talking to this ruffian! We should just go and get the Elements again!”

“Ah, I expected nothing less from the Element of Generosity! So willing to share her view of how everypony around her should act.” Discord disappears, wearing a copy of Rarity’s dress but to his own proportions. “There. Is this more to your liking?”

Rarity scoffs as Twilight steps forward. “Ignore him, everypony. All he wants is to draw a reaction from each of us. Celestia, would you do the honors of leading us to the Elements?”

“And we finally get to hear from Magic, the most powerful and elusive of the Elements. Or is that Friendship? I have such a difficult time telling them apart.” Discord knocks a piece of stone out of his ear. “Since it’s so hard making friends while you’re, you know…” Discord rises up, mimicking the position he held while he was a statue.

Twilight Sparkle’s horn lights, trying to drag Pinkie Pie out of Celestia’s rump. Several hard tugs, and one undislodged mare later, leaves Twilight huffing in frustration. “Come on, Pinkie Pie! Let go!”

“Nooo!” comes the muffled reply, Pinkie Pie’s hind legs desperately wriggling as she holds fast. “I’m almost finished!”

“It’s okay, Twilight,” Celestia reassures her student. One hoof gently strokes Twilight’s mane, then delicately pulls her head up to gaze into her eyes. One magenta eye winks, Twilight returning a half-smile that fails utterly to disguise her lack of confidence. “I know how to deal with this.”

Celestia’s horn lights, the already tall mare slowly levitating upwards. Pinkie Pie slowly rotates, ending up with Celestia’s bulk sinking into the bulbous mare. Celestia’s horn winks out, her hind legs splayed out for balance while her forelegs grip tightly onto whatever appendage or tuft of fur they can. She slowly presses herself further down, barely able to keep her balance, and then rises.

“We must go quickly!” Celestia raises a hoof as she bounces up and down. She gets about four bounces down the hallway before four sets of laughter break her focus. Her horn lights, steadying herself as she slowly hops around.

Discord, Luna, Rainbow Dash, and Shining Armor are beside themselves and laughing uproariously, each holding onto a clone of themselves for support. Hooves and claws point as little bits of chocolate milk squirt out of Pinkie Pie’s mouth with every bounce of the white alicorn.

Twilight, Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, and Princess Cadance are not nearly as amused. Twilight looks cross at Celestia, then Rainbow Dash. “It’s not that funny!”

“Oh, but it is! Perhaps you just need to try it for yourselves!” Discord snaps his claws, transforming Rainbow Dash, Shining Armor, Rarity, and Applejack into roughly pony sized spheres while the remaining neighsayers bounce on top.

“I’m sorry… I’m sorry… I’m sorry…” Fluttershy pleads as she bounces around on Rainbow Dash. Yellow wings flap, but that only serves to lift her even higher every time she bounces down on her cerulean herdmate.

“Nuh-uh!” shouts Applejack as she squirms underneath Discord, doing her level best as a bucking bronco ball to dislodge the draconequus. “The only stallion that gets to ride me is Doug!”

“I don’t know,” Princess Cadance says with a grin as she bounces on Shining Armor. “This is a fun change of pace!”

“Cady!” Shining Armor groans, though not from the alicorn bouncing on him. “Don’t tell Twily that!”

Twilight, meanwhile, is too busy bouncing on Rarity to notice, squealing like a filly. The bad, terrorized kind, though, as her horn sputters, her attempt to teleport through the chaotic rain sending her reeling.

“Not the hair! Anything but the hair!” Rarity moans, even though no piece of hair can come loose from her spherical form. It does get muddy as Twilight bounces her in the chocolate milk, leaving her aghast. Her eyes keep trying to find the brown spots she knows are there, but the curvature of her body leaves her merely demanding status reports from Twilight.

Luna finds herself sharing Pinkie Pie with Celestia, their twin “Weee!”’s echoing around the castle. She and her Sister vie for control of the pink ball, engaging each other in the traditional pony style of combat. Celestia’s light flailing manages to push her Sister back, but Luna’s superior log rolling skills lets her convert the push into a full gallop. Pinkie Pie ricochets back and forth, knocking into the other bouncers, eliciting squeals and shouts from everypony.

“Oh, I knew you two had it in you!” Discord exclaims after several minutes of glorious bouncing, Applejack only managing to buck him off twice. His fingers snap again, a bright flash of light leaving the ten ponies groaning amidst the chocolate rain, all of them back to their normal shapes and sizes. Including, to her monumental disappointment, Pinkie Pie.

“Aww,” Pinkie Pie moans, swirling a hoof in the closest puddle.

“Just think of it this way, Pinkie,” Rainbow Dash says, hovering next to her and glad Fluttershy is no longer bouncing on her. Not that she didn’t enjoy it or anything, she just would have been mortified had anypony outside their tight circle of friends seen them. Including, just for the moment, Discord. “You got all the benefits of eating way, way more of your fill in chocolate milk, and none of the downsides!”

“You’re right!” Pinkie Pie leaps up, about to dunk her head into the nearest puddle before she is stopped by Princess Celestia’s harsh voice.

“Enough of this, Discord!” Celestia stamps a hoof, splashing chocolate milk everywhere. “You have had your fun! What game are you playing at?”

“Game?” Discord chuckles to himself. He snaps his fingers as he lists out the various things. “Games require rules, and rewards, and dangers, and familiar settings. If it’s a game that you want, then a game I shall be happy to provide!”

“We don’t want a game!” shouts Twilight, turning to her Friends. “Girls, with me! We’re getting the Elements, and putting a stop to this chaos!”

“Are you sure?” Discord asks mournfully, flicking a tear from his eye. It turns into a crocodile and scampers away, slipping into one of the puddles and disappearing. “You so enjoyed the last one, I was thinking of giving you a bit of a bonus on the next.”

“What kind of a bonus?” Applejack asks guardedly, warily watching for flanking crocodiles.

“Of course, I only council wisdom. If you do not wish to hear it, I will say no more.” Discord shrugs. “But, I thought I would save you all a trip upstairs, then back down here.” He snaps his claws, an ornate blue box edged in gold and decorated with the six colors of the Elements appearing in front of them. He motions forwards, bowing his head contritely.

Celestia gasps. “That chamber is protected by a spell only I can break! This doesn’t-”

Celestia swallows her words as she opens the empty chest, her eyes narrowing. “What have you done with the Elements?”

“What have I done with the Elements?” Discord asks, aggrieved and holding his chest. “Why, nothing! I merely brought them to this room! I think the better question is, what have you done with the Elements? Hmm?”

“Stop stalling, Discord!” Celestia shouts; her mane and tail ignite in a brilliant yellow and white, tongues of flame that match her cutie mark licking the stone around her. Chocolate milk begins boiling, the ponies closest to her quickly backpedaling away. “What have you done with the Elements?”

Discord ceases playing with Meringue, his leonine paw no longer scratching her tummy. “Ugh, so boring, Celestia. Really, after all the fun we had together?” He grins as Celestia stamps a flaming hoof. “I’ll tell you, but you’ll have to play a little game.” He snaps his fingers, a torrent of icy water dousing Celestia’s fire and leaving her sopping wet.

“What kind of a game?” demands Applejack. “Didn’t you say somethin’ about rules’n such?”

“Oh, I’m so glad you asked!” exclaims Discord, the rest of the ponies shooting Applejack a dirty look. “The rules are simple. All you have to do is make it through the night!”

The ten ponies exchange hesitant looks. Princess Luna cautiously asks, “And what sort of monsters will thou unleash on us?”

“Nothing more than you’d get on a normal, boring day in Canterlot, I assure you.” Discord yawns, Lemon offering him a white hoofkerchief to cover his mouth. He gladly accepts, passing the young yellow mare a piece of candy she greedily gobbles.

“And the reward if we win?” says Rainbow Dash, almost hopeful they stand a chance.

“Win or lose; at the stroke of midnight, I will stand right here,” Discord motions to the spot directly underneath him, “and allow you to blast me back to stone!”

“And… if we fail?” Fluttershy peeks out from behind Twilight, barely able to look at Discord.

“Nothing!” Discord looks up at the two fillies still perched on his horns. “I think these two are a bad influence on me. Or a good one? No, no, no, more like a lawful influence. Or a harmonic one. Yes, that’s right.” He waves his claw, dismissing his own argument. “In this game, there will be no penalty for failure! How’s that for a once in a lifetime bargain?”

“And the familiar setting?” Rarity asks, looking at the pink clouds still spewing chocolate rain everywhere. She daintily lifts a hoof, but there is nowhere dry to place it.

“Oh, I think right here will do perfectly. But, before we get to that.” Discord pulls each of the six Element wielders in, whispering without a hint of nonsense in his voice, “Don’t bother searching for your precious Elements; they are hidden where you’ll never think to look. But don’t worry; by the end of the night, you’ll have found them again.”

Discord stands, grandly stating, “Then the game is set.” Discord looks Celestia and Luna in the eyes. “Oh, and I wouldn’t worry about helping them.” One paw motions to the moon in the sky, the other directly opposite and pointing at the ground where the sun lays hidden. “If you need something else to focus on, then I’m sure I can come up with something.”

Celestia and Luna scowl at Discord, but say nothing.

“I bid each of you, Good Luck!” Discord snaps his fingers. He, Lemon, and Meringue disappear without a trace, as does every vestige of pink cloud, chocolate rain, and damage caused by the same. Each of the mares is clad in their Gala dresses, not a seam out of place.

Pinkie Pie breaks into despondent wailing at the loss of the chocolate milk while Rarity cries tears of joy that her dress, and those of all the others, are not ruined. Applejack, Fluttershy, and Rainbow Dash merely watch as ponies slowly come out of the woodwork, happy smiles on their faces. Twilight looks up at Princess Celestia, worried; she silently asks with her eyes, 'is this some trick of Discord’s?'

“You did it!” calls Fancy Pants giddily. He stomps his hoof on the clean, dry stone, many of the other ponies joining in.

“You defeated Discord?” stammers Captain Spitfire, incredulous. “Color me impressed.”

“It would appear so,” Princess Celestia regally states, her voice barely concealing her concern. She whispers, only for the Element Bearers, “For now.”