Dear Princess Twilight,
I can not believe this! I can not believe that you of all ponies would have the audacity to not return a book to the library. For so long I always believed that you would consider being late returning one a bigger crime than stealing my cake or worshiping Nightmare Moon but it looks like I was wrong. Now I know I raised you to be a little bitch who would bring about misery everywhere she went but I did not raise you to be late returning library books.
You know something else Twilight? Not only does this reflect badly on you but it also makes ME look bad. It makes me look bad that I would ascend a pony who is late returning library books or in your case, not returning them at all! Perhaps ascending you wasn't such a good idea. When word of this gets out, which I am certain it will, ponies will start demanding I turn them into Alicorns and make them royalty solely because they don't return their library books.
You know something, perhaps I should punish you for this. Perhaps I should take those wings away, that title away and that castle away and given them to my daugh.....I mean Starlight since she has never committed any crimes against a library. Tell me Twily, should I do that? Should I take everything I have given you away and give it to Starlight? Now promise me you'll never be late returning a book and you can keep everything I gave you. If not, you will be shamed publicly before losing those wings. Hell I might just decide to find a way to transfer all your magic to Starlight and make her even more powerful.
Now I could find other ways to punish you but I think I'll leave that to somepony else, somepony who USED to look up to you, somepony with ties to another pony who is truly sadistic. Just make sure it doesn't happen again, alright.
Disappointed in You,
Princess Celestia
Dear Princess Celestia,
What the hell? You are blaming me for this? It was your sunny ass that sent me off to Ponyville before I could even have a chance to read it, much less return it. If anypony should have a blemish on their record, it should be you! Had you not decided to send me off to some backwater hell hole that I secretly still despise, I would have been able to not only read that book but also return it, ON TIME!
It also pisses me off that you are sitting up there basically idolizing your precious little Starlight. You want to know why she has never "committed any crimes against a library" as you put it? It is because before she met me, she had likely never even been in a library. You know that she has never cared much about studying, well until I forced her to be of course. Had she been, rather than simply stealing cutie marks and oppressing shitty towns out in the middle of fucking no where, she probably would have learned enough to overthrow you and made you her sex slave.
Go ahead and take my wings, my title and longevity away, see if I give a shit. I know that even though you have called me an adoptive daughter and have tried to grow close to me, I know you'll never actually love me like a parent would the same way you love Starlight. It is always, "oh, I'm gonna ascend Starlight, Starlight is so perfect, Starlight is my REAL daughter!" You know what Sunbutt, fuck that shit. I don't think I feel like having to put up with three more millennia of putting up with you idolizing her and I know damn good and well that you'll ascend her at some point so just quit beating around the bush about it. Ugh, I think I'd rather be stuck sharing a cage with Flutterbitch in Tartarus than have to constantly put up with you and your Starlight idolizing.
And now here you are wanting to steal magic from me and give it to Starlight? Hell maybe I should go find Tirek, ask him how the hell he stole magic and see if I could learn the spell. If I do decide to do that, not only will I steal his magic but I will steal your magic, I will also steal Starlight's, Luna's and Cadence's and then depose you all and crown myself as Queen of Equestria and there won't be a thing any of you could do to stop me! Soon a time will come when every pegasus, unicorn, earth pony and undesirable shall bow to my will!
Oh and don't even think about Moondancer punishing me, she and the rest of the girls probably won't want a thing to do with me anymore since I'm not this perfect little angel. I'm damaged goods now and they certainly won't want to have to put up with my baggage.
Still Secretly Hating Ponyville,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Dear Twilight Sparkle,
I must thank you for not bringing that book back. For so long I was obsessed with perfection, kind of like you. When that perfect record vanished, I finally felt free! I finally felt like I could do things and not be scared of failing anymore. However, I am not happy that you didn't read that book. Had you done so, you wouldn't have still been having those freakouts that you are so famous for having.
Happy You Didn't Return the Book,
Dusty Pages
Dear Dusty,
Well you know how I am, I was upset that I ruined your perfect record and I just wanted to make it up to you! I thought that if I returned the book to you and then you could return it, you'd get your old job back! It seems as though you are a much happier mare now and that makes me happy. It was good to see you again.
Sincerely,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Twilight,
So First Folio told me about how you were over eight years late on returning that book. Out of all ponies, I never imagined that you would be the one to be late returning a book, especially that late! Now you should be thanking her for pointing this out to me. Me and the girls have special plans for you, very special plans. Now get your flank back up here and meet us at your old study tower ASAP. We are currently in your old study tower doing the things we love most. Now be warned, if one of us has to come down and drag you back kicking and screaming, you won't like the results!
Ready to Punish You,
Moondancer
Moondancer,
Look, this was all Sunbutt's fault! Had she not sent me to that backwater dump she did when she did, I could have read the book and more importantly, returned it! So if you are going to go getting on anypony's case, go take it up with Sunbutt! Now you don't have to worry about dragging me up there, I was planning on going anyway. Let me say this though, I'm ready and if any of you try that horn cap bullshit with me, it will be you who will have your horn capped and be punished by me!
Ready to See You,
Princess Twilight
Dear Princess Twilight,
Could you thank Pinkie Pie and Rarity next time you see them? Thanks to them the Tasty Treat is now the most popular restaurant in all of Canterlot! Anypony who is anypony eats here. Also, if you see Princess Celestia thank her for making that new rating system for restaurants. Because of her, my father and I have a five crown rating and Zesty Gourmand not only went out of business, but has moved away from Canterlot. Your friends are true gems but everything I've heard about you, including being the sub of some of my best customers and stealing books, not so much. Again, tell them all thanks from my father and I.
Thankful for Everypony Who Has Helped Us,
Saffron Masala
Saffron,
For starters, let me say this. You can thank ME for your restaurant suddenly being so popular. It was MY friendship map that sent them up there to aid you two. Had it not been for me, there would have been no map to call my friends up to see you. Also without that map, Princess Celestia never would have known the time had come to change the rating system up there. With me being a princess, I am issuing a royal decree that you must let me come up there and sample the food for free. If I like it, you will be forced to give me free food for life and if you fail to do so, I'll frame you both for some crime and get you shut down. I am going up to see my friends here pretty soon. I will bring them to your place for lunch since they rave about it and either you feed us for free or I'll run you out of business.
Wanting Free Food,
Princess Twilight Sparkle
Princess Twilight,
Stick your threats where the sun don't shine. We have Princess Celestia, the PRIMARY PRINCESS on our side so your threats are meaningless. Also, why should we give a little book thief free lunch anyway? Your friends, we'll give them a free meal since they come here so much but not you! We are not about to reward a book thief.
Sincerely,
Saffron Masala