The cabin door creaked open. But he also had to walk through the disclaimer:
No henchmen were harmed in the making of this cartoon.
Dan looked up. "Wait wait wait, that's not right."
MANY
No henchmen were harmed in the making of this cartoon.
"That's better. We're bringing murder back to quality children's entertainment one bare-knuckle beating at a time. If only they'd written me during the nineties," Dan remarked.
The Doctor scowled. "Do you have any idea what he's even talking about?"
"Not a clue," Rarity said, shaking her head. "Cartoons in the nineties weren't even that violent."
"Precisely- wait, no, what? Did you just take the piss?"
"A lady knows when to be serious," was Rarity's only reply.
The Team Rocket Grunts all immediately aimed their weapons at them. One quickly realized he was pointing his gun backwards and corrected this mistake. Experienced criminals they were, but more experienced were they at using Poke'Balls than automatic weapons. And really, their experience with the Poke'Balls amounted to losing to adolescents.
And even if this hadn't been the case, Dan still would have scoffed at their display. Which he did.
"Scoff!" He literally said the word scoff for emphasis. "We just dismembered a couple dozen of your gun goons and threw them off the train. But you know, at the very least, you're committed to this shtick. Much like an author is committed to updating a story every Saturday. And just like that author, you have long since lost control of things and barely have a grasp on the situation."
"The fuck are you even talking about? You're starting to sound like Edgeworth in the courtroom," Payne said.
Dan smirked. "And just like any other time you face someone in the courtroom, you're about to have your yellow flank served to you."
"I hate just about everyone here right now," Whooves said.
"Good, Doctor, you're catching on."
"SAYS THE FOULEST BLOODY GIT OF THEM ALL."
Payne backed up to the train's controls. "OBJECTION! You may not be Phoenix Wright, Dan, but just like him, I find your hard evidence to be quite lacking!"
The human, still smirking, pounded his fist into his palm. "Let me follow up with my right-cross-examination, then, across your sweat-soaked face."
"What's with all the court puns?" a Grunt asked. "Are you going to do anything or aren't you?"
They were in a bit of a standoff. Sure, the Rocket Grunts could fire, but Rarity would block their shots. Dan would advance closer and they'd be done for. In fact, the only reason they hadn't done that yet is because Dan was gloating. When he should have been keeping an eye on Writhe N. Payne.
"Shoot him! What are you idiots just standing there for?!" Payne demanded.
"We're close quarters!"
"Energy shield would bounce the rounds right back at us."
"Or worse- into the controls."
Payne grabbed his head in frustration. "You dimwits are useless!"
"Says the guy backing away from a fight."
"Fine!" Payne snarled. "If you Rockets won't fire, I'll fire the rockets!" The yellow stallion punched an orange button. From the sides of the train, hidden panels deployed.
Dan felt a bad feeling vibrating through the floor into his feet. "Oh boy. This isn't like one of Ozzy Osbarn's trains, is it?"
"Who in the hell is Ozzy Osbarn?"
"OBSERVE!" He through a switch next to the throttle and the train exploded forward in a burst of motion. Ozzy's train car had only a single pair of rocket boosters but this super freight train had four per car. Dan, Rarity and the Doctor were knocked off their feet and flew to the back of the cabin, slamming backs against the wall. And they weren't the only ones. The Rocket Grunts were thrown to the floor along with their weapons.
"CRAP!" Stuck to the wall from the inertia, Dan quickly opened the cabin door. The Rocket Grunts went tumbling through the hatch and outside.
"HahaHA!" Payne laughed, though he was clearly holding on for dear life, hooves wrapped around the throttle lever. "How's that for a turnabout, Dan?!"
"AAAHH! AIGH!" Dan suddenly liked his position even less as he was pelted by sweat drops streaming off Payne. The pony must've had some kind of glandular issue.
"Oh, feckwidget. Is anyone else being pelted by perspiration?" Doctor asked. "Can we do something about this, please? BLEGH! IT GOT IN MY MOUTH!" Rarity produced a magical parasol shield to cover them.
"Oh thank you. Thank you, dressy dress pony," Dan said emphatically. "Seriously, I liked it better when we were being shot at."
Whooves looked over to him. "Do you LISTEN to yourself, even?"
"Rarity, lower his portion of shield."
"Oh, as if she would- AAAHH! STOP IT, STOPP!"
"I'm sorry! It's kind of hard to concentrate, darling, there's a lot going on, sorry," Rarity said. And in fact, she was right. The train was continuing to pick up speed, rocketing down the tracks. They quickly climbed over hilly terrain that the Friendship Express would have simply eased through with adorable grace. The freight train was going incredibly fast, so fast in fact that we could very easily make either one of two references: Spongebob Squarepants or Spaceballs. But hey, why not both?
"You'll never catch me, Dan! Not when I shift into MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE!!!" Reaching his sweaty hoof forward, he grabbed hold of the whistle chain and pulled it to shift the lever all the way to the Speed of Absurdity. Otherwise known as-
"Ludicrous speed! Hey, hey boss-"
"Not now, Barf."
"Hey, come on," Barf insisted, "put down the plans for the sequel for a minute and look."
Lone Starr looked out the front window of Eagle Five. "Huh. Plaid. Whaddaya know."
"You think they have any problems with the Spaceballs?"
"Probably not," Lone Starr said. "But we can always make plans to check it out next season."
"Makin' plans to check it out next season." The train zipped by the conveniently-parked winnebago.
"Is this your big plan?!" Dan shouted. "Drive this thing so recklessly we'll want to get off?! Because you're talking to the KING of reckless driving, right here!"
"Not exactly, Dan!" The lawyer's glasses finally fell off, revealing... yet another pair of the same glasses behind them for some reason. "See, I was just buying time for us to finally reach Appleloosa!"
"Scoff!" Dan scoffed again, "Like anypony would listen to your greasy hide in Appleloosa!"
The lawyer grinned, a sparkle in the corner of his lenses. "I think you folks are in for a surprise! Last stop coming up: Appleloosa and your DOOM!