//------------------------------// // Chapter 4: Pinkie Pie feels something move // Story: Raridash Investigates // by Mica //------------------------------// “You should count yourself lucky that you managed to slip out of the place with half of what’s left of your dignity,” Rarity said as she and Rainbow Dash trudged down a lonely dirt road, away from Fluttershy’s cottage. “Now we’ll never find out whether Fluttershy sent the letters or not. And it’s all your fault, Rainbow Dash.” “How is it my fault!? I…it was your plan!” Dash protested. “Well, it was poorly executed. Your seduction techniques are utterly lacking in class and sophistication. You know, Rainbow Dash, the only reason other ponies want to date you is because you’re a Wonderbolt.” That was just a way to make Rarity to feel better about the fact nopony was interested in dating…except for one particularly pathetic little baby dragon! That now had wings. But what use was that in bed? Perhaps Pinkie could give me some advice. She knows a sex position for anything. Rainbow Dash chuckled. “I guess it’s the Wonderbolt uniform that catches their eye. Some ponies will fall for anything in a cute uniform. Remember Twilight in that nurse’s uniform?” “Of course I do, Rainbow Dash.” They both remembered the costume Twilight wore the to this summer’s Grand Galloping gala, about a fortnight ago. Her outfit had a white button top, a nurse hat with her, erm, horn sticking out of the front, and a (very) short skirt that accentuated her round, plump flank. A lot of stallions asked her to dance that night. A lot. And Twilight was smiling happily the whole time. “I was surprised myself,” Rarity said. “Everypony was. Even Pinkie thought the outfit was rather racy.” “I dunno what’s gotten into her lately. She’s more…sexual than she usually is. Like, remember that time she was speaking at the school assembly, and she made that dirty joke about the changeling and the unicorn horn? In front of all the students!? It’s weird. And now she’s missing her book club? Twilight loves reading! There’s no way she’d miss her book club!” “Well, she did say she was engaged at the castle,” Rarity said. Rainbow Dash hovered a little lower as she was thinking. “Fluttershy said that Twilight couldn’t make it because she had to go to meeting to prepare for the summer festival. But the summer festivities are over. The Wonderbolt Gala a few days ago was the last major festival of the season—and Twilight isn’t even responsible for organizing it.” “I think perhaps we’re straying from the point,” Rarity said, stomping her hoof on the dirt. “I have my suspicions on Fluttershy…” Rarity peered through the foliage using her unicorn magic. For dramatic effect only. They could see Fluttershy’s cottage, but it was nothing more than a small speck of light in the darkness. “Fluttershy’s a definite suspect. She admitted to being infatuated with you, Rainbow Dash, back in flight school.” “Not just back in flight school,” Rainbow Dash corrected, with a smirk. “She still likes me. I can tell. You should’ve seen the look on her face when I pinned her down just now. Oh wait, you did see everything when you hid behind the drapes.” “Oh no, Fluttershy was acting. Only you couldn’t tell because she’s a far better actor than you ever could be!” Rainbow Dash swayed in the air, reacting to Rarity’s insult. “You’re just jealous somepony’s in love in me while you’ve been dry all your life!” “Dry!? Dry!? I’ll have you know I have ponies banging on my door day and night! I just haven’t told you!” “Yeah,” Rainbow Dash said sarcastically. “What were they doing? Trying to get out? HAHAHA!” The pegasus laughed for several minutes, only to realize her laughter was polluted by sound of gentle weeping. Rainbow Dash softened her expression. She flew over to where Rarity was sitting, her back turned to her. “I’m sorry, Rarity,” Dash said. “I…I didn’t mean to insult you like that.” “It’s hopeless!” Rarity sobbed. “Hopeless!” “It’ll be okay, Rarity. It’s late. It’s after midnight. There’s nothing we can do now.” “I thought we would find the crook. I thought I would interview everypony and things would work well. But it’s been a total disaster! And all I really wanted was to look cute in my outfit, but now even that’s ruined!” Rainbow Dash’s face hardened. “Rarity. Look at me. We can do this! You hear me? We got this! The two of us!” Rarity’s back was still turned to Rainbow Dash. She refused to turn around. “I believe you, Rainbow Dash! I just refuse to turn around!” “C’mon Rarity! You have to be brave!” Rainbow Dash grabbed Rarity’s head and turned it face her. “That’s th—YEEAAGHH!!!” Rainbow Dash screamed in fright. Rarity was chuckling. “It’s that bad, huh?” The tears had ruined her makeup. Her false eyelashes were hanging vertically from her eyelids. Her mascara ran like veins on her face. Her blue eyeshadow looked like two blue waterfalls. The two ponies laughed. In the middle of night. In the middle of a dirt road. In the middle of the woods just outside the Everfree forest. They hugged each other (having already forgotten the incident where Rarity made the pass at Rainbow Dash), and sat side by side on a rock. “Things did get rather out of hand tonight, didn’t they?” Rarity said. “Yeah. They sure did.” “I think I’ve realized a story about a pony detective may not be the best model for a real-life investigation.” “Are you saying no more crazy ‘interrogation techniques’ and ‘investigation tactics’?” Dash asked. “Precisely. I made a right nause-up of them. I’m sorry, Rainbow Dash.” “I’m sorry too, Rarity. I should’ve been less bitchy with you too. So…we still friends?” “Of course. What would this investigation be without you?” Rarity said. “What would you be without me?” Rainbow Dash said, giggling. “Probably 20% less cool,” Rarity said, borrowing Dash’s signature line. The two ponies laughed again. “Y’know, I really wanted to find the pony who wrote those letters and bring them to justice and all…but even if we don’t, I’m glad we got to do this together.” “Me too,” Rarity said. Then she yawned. “How late is it already?” Rainbow Dash learned how to figure out the time from Wonderbolt training. “The moon’s in that direction…so…the sun’s going to rise pretty soon. I’m beat. I’m getting some rest.” Rainbow Dash lay in the clearing and closed her eyes. Rarity watched as an ant crawled up Rainbow Dash’s tail, which touched the dirt ground. Camping? Camping? This isn’t even camping! This is…sleeping on the mucky ground! I…I can’t! She turned to Rainbow Dash. The pegasus was already asleep. I must go! I must find proper accommodation! With a determined (and red-eyed) expression on her face, Rarity set out to find the nearest hotel. Alas, she took a few hoofsteps along the dirt road, only to stop from exhaustion. “Oh, my…” Rarity felt her eyelids fall. “I…I’m so sleepy…I…I must…” “SURPRISE!!!” Rainbow Dash and Rarity were jolted awake. Rainbow Dash was the first to orient herself. It was almost midday. She was lying on the side of the dirt road. Rarity was lying on top of her, with her plump flank resting on her back—oh shit is this real what is going on!? And she pushed her off with her hoof as fast as she could. Rarity rolled off Rainbow Dash and onto the dirt ground. She mumbled to herself a little. After rolling around a little, she rubbed her eyes with her hoof, and sat up. “Mmmph. What is that horrid noise!?” Pinkie Pie’s head was sticking out of a bush. “SURPRISE! Oh.” Even Pinkie Pie was shocked at seeing…Rainbow Dash? And Rarity? In the woods? Sleeping together? Not just sleeping together, but…were they just now…on top of each other!? “Pinkie Pie? What are you doing here?” “I think the better question is…what are you two doing in there?” The two were still lying side by side, naked (but then again they were always naked). “W…we asked first!” Rainbow Dash said, blushing. We? We? Why did I say “we?” It just…happened. “Pinkie, how did you even know we were here?” Rarity asked. “I…just had a feeling,” the earth pony said. “A feeling?” Rarity said. She had heard about the “pinkie sense,” and how she was able to predict and sense things that nopony could have guessed. Such raw talent! Perhaps she would have been a better partner for my investigation. She looked at Rainbow Dash, then at Pinkie, who was blowing the fringe of hair away from the face. Then again, Pinkie didn’t do too well at solving the mystery of the eaten cake. And I ended up getting exposed for my false eyelashes. Argh. Twilight, you bastard! “You ‘just had a feeling?’” Rainbow Dash repeated, frowning slightly. “Yeah, totally!” Pinkie squealed, making her apparent psychic powers seem like it was trivial. “It was reeeeally spooky. I’ll tell you what happened! I’ll tell you! Last night, I was lying in bed, reading my Playmare.” “Playmare? Like the…?” “Yeah! That one!” Pinkie said, not the least bit embarrassed. “Anyway, I had read the fiction section, you know the part where they have the hot steamy stories, and, well, this time, there was this reeeally hot steamy story where these ponies sent each other love letters, and then you got to read the love letters, so it was like you got the love letter, so it was reaaally steamy! My eyes rolled back into my head more than Derpy! “Then, I turned to the giant centerfold picture of Stallion of the Year. I stared at the picture…and then…all of a sudden…” Pinkie’s face turned serious. “…I felt something move!” “…lemme guess, was your boyfriend in bed with you?” Rainbow Dash asked, smirking. Pinkie’s older sister Maud already had a boyfriend…it was about time she started dating. Or at least bending over for somepony in the conga line, knowing Pinkie. “Well she’d hardly be reading Playmare if that were the case,” Rarity said. “No, it was actually the wind!” Pinkie said. “The wind blew open the window and made the blankets move! But that’s when I looked out the window with my binoculars, and I saw little light near the Everfree Forest! I thought it was a swarm of fireflies! “And I thought, cool! Fireflies! So, I wanted to check it out because I wanted to get some to use as lights for my next party ‘cause that’d be amaaaazing, because nopony’s done it before, and disco balls are soooo yesterday!! So anyway, I went outside, I followed the light, and that’s when I found you all!” Pinkie hopped up and down with a big smile on her face. Then all of sudden, Pinkie’s expression became stern again. “So now…my turn to ask. What are you two doing here…?” Rainbow Dash hesitated. Even though it was really a perfectly innocent explanation…she couldn’t help but blush. Rarity as well. “I-I-I’m camping,” the pegasus said. “Glamping,” Rarity corrected. Glamping was fine. But if it ever got out that Rarity, renowned fashion designer and owner of the finest boutique in Manehattan, went camping! The gossip columns would have a field day! “Fine, glamping,” Dash said. “Doesn’t look like glamping to me…” Pinkie said. “Erm…well…our luxury glamping tent blew away!” Rainbow Dash lied. Pinkie Pie had both a frown and a smirk on her face. “And…how’d that happen?” “It was the wind.” “Really? The wind was that strong!? I don’t believe it!” Pinkie said. Rainbow Dash looked to Rarity for some ideas. “Rarity, why did our luxury glamping tent blow away?” Rarity gave Rainbow Dash a wide-eyed look that said, “Don’t look at me!” Rainbow Dash hesitated. “Erm…well, it…it was the wind from eating Fluttershy’s zucchini muffin last night,” she said, pointing to her belly with her hoof. “Oh…yes, that’s quite right, Rainbow Dash,” Rarity picked up where she left off. “And she’s been having indigestion all night long! The wind was so strong, it just…blew our tent away!” There was a pause. “Oh! I see! That makes sense!” Pinkie smiled and nodded. Only Pinkie Pie would be gullible enough to believe an explanation like that. “Fluttershy’s cooking is awful! I need to give her some lessons!” “Erm…since you’re here, Pinkie Pie, why don’t you take a look at these letters?” Rainbow Dash showed them to her. “Did you write these?” “Lemme see.” She read the notes. She giggled when she read the last line. “Oh no, I didn’t write this. No way!” “You’re sure! Because we’re trying to find the pony who sent these. I got this one.” “And I received the other one,” Rarity said. “Nope! I didn’t send them! There’s no way I’d want to date you, Rarity. You, or Ms. 10 Seconds Flat over here,” she said, pointing to Rainbow Dash. “Teehee. Get it? 10 seconds flat? HEEHEEHEE!” Pinkie Pie was rolling on the floor. “Well, given the fact you were reading Playmare last night, I hardly think you would send a love letter to a female pony.” “Oh, I read Playcolt too. It’s just the same as Playmare, just with mares. Mare, stallion, they’re all the same to me. They all can bend…” “…bend over in the conga line?” Rainbow Dash completed Pinkie’s sentence. The three ponies laughed for a moment. “Besides, when were those letters sent?” “Two days ago, we believe,” Rarity said. “Oh, I was busy all day that day!” Pinkie said. “I was delivering advance copies of the latest issue of Playcolt! Super exclusive! I’m delivering it, like, 2 weeks earlier than it’s supposed to come out! You have to pay a little extra though. 25 bits for my advance copy.” “How much does the regular copy cost?” Rarity asked, taking notes on her notepad. Purely for investigative purposes, of course. “2 bits. I know right!? I make a fortune off of it! And I don’t even have to make the magazine! I just have to deliver it!” Pinkie was bouncing up and down. “So 2 days ago, I was all over Equestria delivering copies! From dawn to dusk! You can ask Twilight!” “Twilight? Twilight reads Playcolt?” Rainbow Dash said. Then again, I know Twilight gets a discount at the clop book store for being a “scholar.” “Well…she does,” Pinkie said. “But it was weird. I asked her if she wanted an advance copy, but Twilight said she already had one. But it doesn’t make sense. There’s no other advance shipment that’s more advance than mine! My shipment is the advancest advance shipment! So I don’t know how Twilight already got a copy!” “Are you sure she had a copy? Or was she just lying?” “No, she actually had a copy, she showed it to me! She said she got it 3 weeks in advance! The only ponies that get 3 week advance copies are the Playcolt photographers, models, and staff writers! So why would Twilight have an advance copy!? Is there another pony selling advance copies? They’re gonna drive me out of business!” “Well…perhaps we should go ask Twilight ourselves!” Rarity said. And with that, the three ponies followed the road out of the wilderness and back to Ponyville.