I could’ve sworn I was scott free, or rather, I more or less was, but, well, I should’ve figured the train would’ve stopped right after colliding with that idiot’s karr. At least that’s what they kept calling it. I had to work on the timing of my one-liners.
I hid camouflaged amongst my apple brethren, high up on the train cart. Celestia had put the sun to bed, and I was surrounded by red and blue flashing lights.
“I’m telling you! There’s a pony hiding up there! She stole all of my stuff and she’s cyber-bullying me! She called me naive and made fun of my autism!”
“Of course, sir... Let’s you and me take a nice walk, and you can tell me all about this pony and why you parked on the train tracks.”
Charlie really was naive, but I probably should’ve been thankin’ him at this point. All I had to do was sit tight and let the gentlemen in uniform take him away. We’d be back on schedule in no time at all.
"Damn you, Applejack! I'll never forgive you! I'll make sure you suffer! I'm going to finish my dark-fic of you and all of your stupid friends, and then you'll see!" I could hear the officers trying to calm him down, or maybe they were psychiatrists? I still didn't know what a fick was, but the boy had my pity. I laid back, hat over my eyes, and took a bite out of another apple.
Eventually the steam started pumpin’ again and us apples were travelin’ through the countryside. The view was gorgeous through the mountains. There wasn’t a lightbulb for miles, only the ones in the night’s sky thrown across a milky stream. It was beautiful.
Princess Luna had really put on a show for me, but not even the sea above could make me feel any better.
Granny Smith baking me a warm apple pie on a sunday afternoon and Big Macintosh making sure Applebloom got first dibs. Twilight Sparkle chastin’ Starlight Glimmer over her methods of diplomacy, and Pinkie Pie flying in about how cake solved everypony’s problems. Fluttershy helpin’ Rarity with a fitting of her latest fashion crime. And Rainbow Dash relaxin’ high up on a cloud, making sure it was the only one in the sky.
And here I was, lying in an apple cart on some train hopin’ I was headin’ in the right direction. Ponyville could be burning to the ground for all I knew, and even if I was there to lend a hoof - What exactly was being honest supposed to do?
Was that why she sent me here? To make sure I didn’t get in the way and get hurt? Knowin’ my way around an apple wouldn’t do much against some crazy lookin’ monster, I guess.
I wasn’t even mad if I was goin’ by my monicher, I just hated not knowin’. I’d rather be the most good fer nothin’ mudpony there was if it meant my friends and family were safe and happy. That’s all that’s ever mattered to me...
“Dangit...” I was eatin’ the cart dry, and I kept getting every apple dirty with my own dang misery.
A bump threw me and a barrel’s worth of apples into the air, “Woah-!” Almost lost my hat for a second there. I peeped up and had a look about, “What in blazes..?” The train shrieked to a halt at the station, “Po-Ponyville?” Or I thought it was anyway.
I climbed out of the train car, tripping over my own hooves just tryin’ to get into town, but everything was wrong. No matter where I looked, someone had sucked all the color out of it. It just got greyer the more I ran. Even the sky was a blank slate. “Wh-What happened!? Twilight!? Pinkie!? Applebloom...!?”
No matter how much I hollered, I was surrounded by deafening silence and ash. I passed through the main thoroughfare, draggin’ a trail of tears behind me. Someone had left Sugar Cube Corner in the over for too long, “For the love of Celestia, p-please, no...!” I couldn’t bare it at all and just kept runnin’...
“Sis-!”
I ran as hard as I could towards that voice, “Applebloom!!” There she was, a lost apple stumbling about at the end of the boulevard. I grabbed onto her like I hadn’t seen her in years, “Applebloom..! Y-You’re okay..!” I couldn’t help drowning her in my heartache.
“Applejack! Where’ve you... be-?”
“A-Applebloom!?” Her eyes rolled into the back of her head, and her cheeks sank in. She just, started coming apart at the seems. Her bright yellow coat slipped off of her bone. Blood and guts splashing all over the streets like they’d just been poured out of a bucket. I screamed uncontrollably, tossing her little head away. Oh Celestia, I saw it rolling off of her little neck. My legs fell out from under me and I found myself against the asphalt, getting blood all over my face.
All I could do was shut my eyes tight, “Stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it, stop it...!” It wasn’t real, I had to keep tellin’ myself. It was just a nightmare. Please, Luna save me, please...!
I heard a wet tumble fall past me, then several more. I gritted my teeth, the road underneath me suddenly pulled away from my hooves. A horn in the distance, smoke, somebody yappin’, the smell of oil and in the thick of it, that familiar smell of wet crisp coverin’ me like a blanket. I panicked, and finally opened my eyes, watchin’ a sea of apples following me through a dark chute. My head hit something.
“Y’ouch...” it felt like someone had thrown a bag of twittermites into my noggin. I kept hearing somebody murmurin’ like’ they were talking through a tube, and finally words started makin’ sense.
“Hah, finally awake, are’ya?. Reckon you must’ve gone through quite the ordeal,” his voice was rough, like sandpaper, “Safe to say, if I hadn’t given that pile of apples another look see, you’d be wearing a pitch fork necktie right ‘bout now.”
My head was still spinnin’. I found myself on an old couch wrapped in some blankets lookin’ up at the shadow of a gruffy old coot, “W-Who’re you..? Wh-Where’s my stuff?”
He startled me up with a hearty laugh, “She was right! You really can talk! Ain’t that somethin’... Don’t worry, your stuff’s on the table. Say, you must be hungry.”
Relieved, I spit up a nervous chuckle, “Actually, not really-”
“Yeah, I figured.” he dropped the jolly act on a dime, “‘Cause ya’ ate a truck’s worth of my apples. Apples that was gonna’ go to feedin’ ma’ cattle.” he scowled, “Ya’ outta thank God ya’ know english. If you were some ord’nary flee bitten mule, I woulda’ taken yer’ freeloadin’ ass out back for some tea time with my windchester.”
I gulped. There was an awkward pause as I waited for the punchline.
“Ah-hah! Get a load of that there look on yer’ face.” he finally let it out, “I’m kiddin’. You must’ve been awfully hungry.” he patted me on the tummy, which I wasn’t much a fan of, but I was pickin’ my next words very carefully.
“Name’s Pete.” he threw a greasy smile my way, “Easy Pete is what ma’ friends call me, I’m the owner of this here cattle ranch. Welcome to Marin County’s legendary Cowtrack Ranch, make yer’self at home.”
“Uh, thanks, Easy Pete.” I managed, “It’s a pleasure to meet ya’. Name’s Applejack, and, uh, sorry about them-”
“Hey, hey! It’s fine.” his heavy boots dragged across the wooden floor as he made his way to the front door, “Now looky’here, Applejack, if that’s what people is gonna’ be callin’ ya, one of my workers is the one who stuck up for ya. She seems to know an awful lot ‘bout ya’. Name’s Shurley. Ya’ ‘outta be thankin’ her really. ‘Specially for this next bit.”
Pete bit off the end of something wrapped in brown paper, held it in his teeth, and lit the other end with a match, puffin’ out a cloud of smoke, “Shurley says yer’ in need of some dough, and fast. Now here at Cowtrack Ranch, we pay a fair share for honest work. She claims you know yer’ way ‘round a barn. That sound ‘bout right?” he took another drag.
I sat up out of my hospital bed, “I was raised in one, and still live there. My kin are apple farmers specifically, but if you’re askin’ if I know anythin’ about a hard day’s work, well then you’ve got yourself the best pony for the job!”
Pete let out a jolly laugh from the bottom of his gut, “Now that’s what I’m talkin’ ‘bout! Too many’a these millennials want everythin’ handed to them, don’t know what honest work pays. And I do stand by that, Applejack. You do my farm right, and you’ll be paid fairly.”
I got onto my hooves, honestly a might excited for a change, “I appreciate it, Easy Pete. This’ll be a whole lot of help for me,” It was the least I could do after takin’ advantage of his property. Getting to Babscon was going to be a lot easier anyway with some real cash to boot. Besides, my head wasn’t on right, and my morale needed an old fashioned workout to change my mood. Especially after that awful nightmare, “Tell me what ya’ need done, Easy Pete.”
“Right this way, lil’ lady.”
Pete gave me the rundown on the ranch. It might not have had that crisp vineyard breeze that I was used to back home, but it made up for it in charm. Wherever I went I saw friendly smiles. I was surprised, I mean, there was curiosity alright, a question here and there, but they were more neighborly than anything else. Either I was still dreamin’, or karma was payin’ my due.
“Need any help with that, ma’m?”
“Thankya’ kindly, but I’ve got it.” first on deck was to feed the cattle, of what I’d left them
anyway. I hauled a little trolly slung to me with rope, and stopped at each pen. I’d gotten their full attention, nearly jumpin’ out of their stalls with excitement. Not to say the farm hadn’t kept them fed, but well, this was gettin’ fun.
“Here ya’ are, sweetie.” At each pen, I’d toss a few apples into the air, and each cow would do their best to catch one in their mouth. They’d hoot and jump about every time they’d caught one. I wasn’t sure why it was so much fun for them, but they were havin’ a ball.
I’d probably gone overboard with the apples, but I figured I owed them anyway. Next up was an opportunity to prove my mettle.
“You sure you know how to do this?” a farmhand helped buckled me in, “No offense, yer’ just awfully... small?”
Another worker sunk the plow into place, “Normally we don’t use stallions for this anymore.”
“Hah!” I laughed, “Just sit back and watch, fella’s.” Now they claimed their tractor had blown a gasket, and I figured that they might have been puttin’ a rib over on me, but I was determined to show these city-slickers some real horsepower.
I cracked my back, and leaned in, ran down a timer and took off. In no time at all I’d cleared forty feet of field, draggin’ a plow twice my size behind like a bat outta’ hell.
I heard a couple of gasps in the background, “Dang! Look at her go!”
A long trench followed in my hoofsteps, “Ya’ll better get plantin’!” I chuckled, darting back and forth across the field.
“Shouldn’t we probably like, I don’t know. Call the news...? The university maybe?”
“And miss out on all this breaktime? I’m good, dude. Besides, the only one who's gonna’ make any money off’a that anyway is gonna’ be Pete.”
“Phew!” some hours had gone by and I’d already worked up another appetite, but there were still chores to be done. I’d plowed a couple of acres, and corralled the cattle from the barn and into the fields. Now it was time to help clean their pens.
I grabbed a broom and began sweepin’ between the stalls, “Sweep-sweep-sweep...” until I heard a murmur towards the end of the barn. I noticed the shadow of a head pop out of one of the stalls, and disappear once I caught them, “Hey! Everythin’ alright back there?” but all I got in return were giggles and the whiff of something that I’d never smelled before.
I put my broom down against a wall and made my way down the hall, “Hello..?” still not a peep. I was on edge, absolutely expectin’ that greasy nerd to have followed me all the way down here, and my dukes were ready, “That’d better not be you, Charlie...” which got a good snort out of the next stall, “Show yer’self!” I leapt into the stalls doorway, but it wasn’t him.
“H-Hey Applejack,” it was a woman, cornered in a pile of hay with her knees against her chest, gigglin’ up a storm. A cloud of white smoke uncovered her face under a pair of glasses. It looked like she was puffin’ out of a lollipop stick, but I couldn’t quite see what flavor it was. I noticed her hair. She must’ve gone to the same hair salon Rainbow Dash went to, though it was mostly different shades of green.
“Uh, somethin’ funny, sugarcube?” I could tell she was tryin’ to act casual.
She muffled another giggle, “Nah, I-I’m good, it’s just... Nah, don’t worry about it. This stuff ain’t for you.” she sat up and offered me a handshake, “Name’s Shurley, it’s nice to finally meet you, AJ.”
Apparently, I had her to thank for my reputation on the farm, or so I was told. I met her handshake with more than a few questions loaded, “Likewise. Shurley you know-”
“Nope, don’t say it. I hate those jokes.”
I chuckled, “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
Shurley took another sip of her lollipop and blew out a glazed donut cloud, “My firends call me Twifag, so call me that. None of those Shurley you mean yadda yadda. I ain’t in high school anymore.”
I wasn’t too keen on the local dialect, but part of that sounded a bit insensitive, “Twi.. fag?”
“It’s a Chan board thing. Don’t worry, I’m gay as heck, so it’s cool.” She ran her finger under her nose and sent her eyes somewhere else, “I just think Twilight’s a really cool gal, ya’know?”
“I getcha’.” I took a seat in the bail of hay next to her, “So what’s goin’ on? I’ve never met anybody around here, but somehow everyone knows about me and my friends. I wound up here, and without even knowin’ it, everyone wants to help me out. What’s the catch?”
She sighed, “It’d be really hard to explain. All you need to know, is that a lot of people know about what that fat piece of trash Charlie tried to do to you, and you have plenty of friends who want to help you get home.” just like Megan, she was awfully friendly for a stranger, but I could tell that she was still anxious about somethin’.
“But why? How..?” it just didn’t add up, “Why does everyone know everything..?”
“Now’s not a great place to talk. Lunch break’s almost over. Trust me, this is going to be a long conversation.” she put out the fire on her lollipop and tucked it into her pocket. “More importantly, I do know about Lauren Faust though, and where you can find her.”
“You mean at that Babs-Khan place?”
“Ohh, yeah! You’ve done your research. She’s so smart...” she was full of chuckles, and something at the end I couldn’t quite catch, “I’m not exactly sure why you’re here in Cali, what’s going on, or how Faust can help, but I’ve writt-Err, read enough Humans-in-Equestria fics to know that anything’s possible! One way or another, me and my friends are going to get you back to Ponyville.”
Once again, buncha’ jargon, but I was plenty thankful all the same, “Either way, I appreciate it. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been so up a creek before. I don’t know what I’ve done to win everybody over, but I don’t think I could ever repay ya’ll.”
There was that giggle again. It was infectious, “Well, uh, I-I know of one way...”
“Name it, partner.”
Twifag turned into the brightest tomato you’d ever seen, “C-Can I... give you a hug?”
Wasn’t gonna’ lie, that caught me off guard, “Uhm, sure, I guess.”
She scooped me up in her arms, holdin’ me as tight as a bunny at Fluttershy’s therapy sessions, “You... alright?”
“Y-Yeah,” I think she was startin’ to spring a leak, “I’ve just always wanted to hug a pony.”
She whispered something, “God, you smell so good...”
“What?”
“W-What?”
A few more hours had gone by and the sun was takin’ a nose dive. The farmhands were turnin’ in for the day, talkin’ about a nice hot shower and some super, which honestly sounded amazing, “Woo-Wee! What a day...”
An older gentlemen reached down and patted my shoulder, “Now I ain’t sure what yer’ supposed to be, some kinda’ tiny talkin’ horse from another die-mension or whatever, but girl you sure know how to rustle some cattle!” he and a few of the others joined in a laugh.
“Might have to send our bucks to the glue factory, she ‘bout to replace ‘em all, I tell ya what!”
My face turned red, “Aw shucks, it’s all in a days work, fella’s. Thank ya’ kindly!”
Another chick came around and dusted some of the dirt off of my hat, “Saved me a couple hours feedin’ them sows. You’re welcome back anytime, Sugar.”
They were killin’ me.
“Shurley-Erm, Twi-!” I didn’t feel quite right sayin’ the rest of her name.
She stood at a clerk’s window and turned to me, “Hey! Over here!” and I trotted over, “You’re in luck, it’s friday. And you know what that means?” probably payday, I thought, “It’s payday!” Well heck, I’m a regular fortune teller... “I’ve been broke all week, but now we’re set for tomorrow!”
“Well, alright! Seems pretty straight forward.”
The teller handed an envelope to Twi, which she snatched up and tore open like a gift on Hearth’s warmin’ eve. Then it was my turn in line, “Uh, Applejack, was it?”
“Yes, ma’m! Pleased to meet ya.” I peeked up over the counter with my hooves.
The lady didn’t quite have the words for me, “I, uhm... well, I just spoke with Pete, about your pay today, and uhm, well he has it. He’s waiting out front by the gate.”
“Oh,” seemed like he wanted to personally thank me, but the look on her face said otherwise.
“Christ..” Twi sighed, “That’s not a good thing.”
“Why not? Seemed like nice guy to me.”
The clerk shook her head.
Twi leaned against the counter, “How do I put this... ‘Ol Pete is kind of...”
“A jackass?” the clerk answered.
Twi threw her finger, “Yup! A jackass,” she turned back to me, “He’s a real jackass, and a dramatic one too.”
Was it the apples? I could’ve sworn that I apologized, but maybe it wasn’t enough? There went my mood again...
“I’ll grab your stuff, AJ. Meet me at the main gate.” Twi barked.
“Alright!”
I made my way to the gate, and there he stood with an envelope in his hands, talkin’ to a flock of what looked like reporters.
“Yeah, a legitimate talkin’ pony! You’ve gotta’ see it!” Easy Pete caught sight of me, “And there she is! Wearin’ her favorite cowpoke hat. Tell ‘em, Applejack all about how much you love apples.” he slapped the envelope against his hand, darin’ me to utter a word.
A string of gasps rang from the crowd while a few cameras zoomed in on me. Like vultures, a flock of paper pushers and tabloid writers had their pens and microphones ready.
I heard footsteps behind me, “Pete! You son-of-a-bitch.” Twi snarled.
“Watch yer’ tongue, girl. We have guests,” he smirked, “That is if you want your bonus.” He waved my envelop at her, “C’mon folks, let’ get a closer look. Ain’t she cute? Just look at ‘em big ‘ol eyes. She loves apples so much, she got ‘em tramp-stamped across her behind.”
“Stop it!” Twi shouted, “Get your normie click-bait journalists out of here!”
Easy Pete strolled over, without a care in the world, and tossed my paycheck at Twi, “You can have what’s left. If ya’ keep yer’ mouth shut, you’ll get an actual bonus after we make some real dough out of this.” he whispered.
She was fumig, “I can’t believe you...” she tore open the envelope in a rage, “Ten dollars!?”
“Hey, I said fair pay fer’ fair work. Do ya’ have any idea how much a barrel of apples costs?” he laughed like a greasy donkey.
That sorry sack of manure, I thought, but somethin’ was tellin’ me to keep my yap shut around these folks shovin’ their clipboards and microphones into my face. I was being buried alive in questions and quotes and boy, I tell ya’, Kicks and Bucky were fixin’ for a fight, but I needed a quick escape.
“You’re a real piece of work, ya’ know that, Pete?” she crumpled the envelope and stomped past him, “Aj, let’s-!”
Bark!
The vultures went silent all at once.
“What-!?” Pete cried.
Bark! Bark, bark! It was all I could think of. I shook my hat off of my head and started chewin it like a timberwolf to, well, timber.
“Hah!” a reporter whooped, “It’s just an overgrown Chihuahua!”
“That... explains those freakish eyes,” sighed a cameraman, “What a waste of time... You must be getting senile, old man!” and exactly like the flock of vultures they were, they flew off for more tantalizin’ prey, all the while cursing up a storm. “Oh, don’t worry! We’re going to do a story alright, Pete! On how much of a charlatan you are and how much your ranch sucks!” a car door slammed and one after another they drove away.
A deflated Easy Pete fell to his knees, “Y-You’... why’d ya’...? We could’a put this place back on the map!” he was breathin’ fire, “Do ya’ know how much money ya’ just cost us!?”
Twi couldn’t help herself, “Don’t worry, Pete. Ten bucks should be plenty.” she threw the wrinkled envelope right in his face and walked off into the parking lot, “Oh, and by the way, I quit!” That’a girl!
I trotted by a sewage leak of four letter words, dustin’ the teeth marks and dribbel off of my hat, “Don’t spend it all in one place, Sugarcube.”