//------------------------------// // 18. My Friend // Story: Azure Days // by Anzel //------------------------------// “Hi, AB!” Good Vibes called the moment I walked into the waiting room. “Hi, GV,” I replied, taking off my sunglasses, coat, hat, and scarf. “How did you know I was me?” Good Vibes happily drummed on the desk. “Well, it is time for your appointment and you’re still the shortest adult pony I know. It just seemed obvious!” “Obvious, huh?” I mused as I marked disguise off my list of things to do to try and avoid Good Vibes. I settled down into my usual chair and picked up a magazine. The cover had a big photo of Lady Cadence and Shining Armor on it. “Aren’t they dreamy?” Good Vibes asked. Truthfully, I hadn’t paid them much attention. There was so much going on in my life that the marriage of two ponies I didn’t know didn’t matter. It would be easier to just agree though, so I nodded. “Uh-huh.” “I’ve read that magazine cover to cover ten times now! It has a lot of speculation about what the wedding day will be like. I love weddings! I can’t wait to have my own,” Good Vibes prattled on while I tried my best to read the magazine. I might not have cared, but Aurum might enjoy some gossip or information about the wedding itself. She was sort of like that. Not as much as Good Vibes, though. The door beside the desk opened and Mindful Soul stuck her head out. “Azurite, I’m ready.” “Okay,” I replied cheerfully before trotting after her, dropping the magazine in front of Good Vibes as I did. Maybe she’d read it again. Either way, our little interaction was mercifully over now. In the scheme of therapist offices, Mindful Soul had one of the better ones. It wasn’t just the fact that she let me hold plush ponies while we talked or the lack of a desk between us. It had more to do with the air. It’s hard to describe, but the air just felt calming. Something was different in the room. It might have been the high windows, the tall ceiling, or just the fact she projected a lot of confidence. I wasn’t sure, but I liked it. Mindful Soul settled down on a pillow and flipped through her notebook. She waited for me to pick my plush and sit down before she started. “Since Aurum has been here, you’ve seemed calmer and more at ease. Are you certain you’re still progressing on your own?” “I am! I’ve been living in my apartment, going to class, and she and I go places,” I explained while I held onto the plush. “I feel like if she comes with me, it’s easier to go to crowded places. I’d never go alone so I think she is doing far more good than harm.” “I agree, I just want to be thorough and ask. Your reaction says a lot. I’m glad she could come and be with you. Are you finding being out in public and or crowded places easier?” That was something to think about. I had been panicking less during grocery trips and traveling to and from school. “I actually think I am. With and without Aurum. She is getting me out, so I’m reacclimating to being out. If that makes sense.” “It does. She’s not enabling hiding behavior,” Mindful Soul said before taking a few notes. “She’s providing aid in getting you out. That is good news and I encourage you to keep doing that. Test your boundaries but do so with Aurum.” “Can do,” I replied before brushing my hoof over the plush’s mane. It had sparkles in it and I liked that a lot. They made sparkles for real pony manes. Maybe I should get some. “Now, tell me about school. How is that going?” That was one of the few topics more exciting than mane sparkles. “School is going great! I’m number one in my class and I’m a tutor for another pony. He’s been behind, but I’m pulling him up as best I can. With any luck, he’ll make it to the next rotation.” Mindful took a few notes. “How will you feel if he doesn’t make it?” “Huh?” I asked, thrown off track by the question. “If your student doesn’t make the cut. How will that make you feel?” That wasn’t something I’d considered. “I’m not sure? I don’t want to sound careless, but I’m not sure I’ll feel much of anything. He’s just a pony I’m helping because he asked.” Was that bad? Had I just said something bad? She took a few more notes. Yup, probably bad. “So you wouldn’t classify him as a friend?” “What? No, I guess I wouldn’t. He’s just a guy I go to school with is all. We don’t have anything in common besides that. I barely know his name,” I explained. I’d think that should be obvious but suddenly I wasn’t sure. Mindful Soul scribbled something down. I didn’t like how many notes she was taking on this line of questioning. “Did it occur to you that he might want to be friends?” I hugged the plush tightly, suddenly feeling uncomfortable. I shook my head no. “He wanted help.” “I’m certain that is true. Do you not want to be friends with him for some reason?” With a shrug, I replied, “I don’t know. He doesn’t seem like my type of pony.” She took notes. She always took notes. “What is your type of pony, then? What would you like to do with a friend?” That wasn’t something I thought about that often. “I’m not really sure. I never had a lot of friends before, I don’t know why after would be that different.” “Just because it was one way before doesn’t mean that was a healthy habit. I’m not trying to just return you to the state you existed in. My duty is to treat you as a whole. Let’s try this a different way. Why are you and Aurum friends?” “We’re family, not friends,” I replied. Mindful Soul took some notes and then looked up at me. “Really? You don’t think she is your friend?” “I mean, I guess she is? Family is more than friends, though, right?” I asked, but even I heard the uncertainty in my voice. “I suppose in some cases. What do you like about her?” “Well, she’s nice to me. We get along very well. She likes stuffed animals too. We both like puzzle books. I can talk to her without being ashamed.” “Ashamed,” Mindful Soul repeated while taking notes. This had taken a bad turn. “And you can’t talk to other ponies like that?” “This is some pretty private stuff. I’m not sure I want just anypony knowing my business.” The unicorn smiled at me. “I don’t disagree, but the idea of friendship is that you let them in a little at first and then work your way up to talking about your inner feelings. You don’t start there. You also have nothing to be ashamed of. It is acceptable to feel that way, but I must stress that you’ve done nothing wrong.” “That’s fair, I guess. Easing ponies in, but I just haven’t met any ponies I really like yet. Isn’t that okay too? Do I just have to randomly make friends because ponies think it’s better to have friends?” Mindful Soul jotted something down. “No, I apologize if that is how I came across. I merely meant you should consider making some friends. Perhaps you could be friends with Happy Tree or Peapod. For now, though, let me change the subject.” Thank goodness. “Yes, please.” “What about dating? Have you thought about looking for ponies to date? That is a big part of life, too.” How was that better! I rapidly shook my head. “Nope. Not ready for that.” “How about Aurum?” My ears shot up. “Aurum? Isn’t dating your cousin a bit archaic? Like marrying off stallions to form alliances between clans?” Mindful Soul’s eyebrow twitched ever so slightly. “Azurite, I meant is she dating. Not that you’d date her.” “Oh! Uh, no. She isn’t. She doesn’t even talk about it, to be honest.” “Let me ask you this. Do you only talk to her about your problems?” I bit my lip before replying, “Maybe? Mostly?” “And Aurum is your family. More than a friend?” “Yeah…” I didn’t like where she was going with this. “Perhaps to help yourself, you should consider helping her some? Talk to her about how she is feeling? She’s made a big move coming here to be with you in your time of need. What about her son? What about her divorce? What about her?” I took a deep breath and wiggled back into the pillow I was nestled in. “That sounds like a hard conversation.” “Yes, yes it does. It would be good for you both, though,” Mindful Soul said before shutting her notebook. “Now, you’re doing better. I’m happy about that and proud of you. Keep going to school, but consider expanding your social circle. Take up some time for Aurum as well. Focus on her issues to give you clarity on your own.” Normally when Mindful Soul said I was doing better and that she was proud of me, I felt good. Unfortunately, this session hadn’t been normal. She may not have known or intended to do it, but she’d held a mirror up in a way that I didn’t like. Had I just been using Aurum? “Thank you,” I said, getting up to leave. “See you later?” “As often as you like,” she replied. “Okay, probably Friday, then,” I said before trotting out into the waiting room. How would I face Aurum? “All done AB? I was just chatting up your cousin about the magazine,” Good Vibes said while leaning over the desk to peer at me. “What?” I asked in surprise as I found myself literally facing Aurum. She smiled brightly at me. “I hope you don’t mind. I had some errands out this way and I thought we could walk home together.” I shook my head quickly, “Don’t mind. Bye, GV.” “Bye, you two!” We trotted out into the hall together, and she asked cheerfully, “Good session?” “Yeah.” No. Not at all. Her ears wiggled. “Everything alright, Azurite?” How did she know? I squirmed. “Uh, maybe, but can we go home before we talk about it?” She tried to keep her expression even, but I could see some worry in her eyes. “Of course, sure! Let’s go.” The walk home was awkward and almost painful. Memories of how I’d just dumped my baggage on Aurum kept replying in my mind. Had I asked her about her son Quartz even once? Had I talked about her feelings? If I did, I didn’t remember it! Why couldn’t I remember it? I remembered everything! By the time we got to the apartment, I could feel my hooves quivering. The shakes were starting to work their way up to my body. Aurum opened the door and let me in. As soon as she came in behind me, she asked, “Azurite, sweetie, what’s the matter?” Without hesitation, I threw my hooves around her and hugged her tight. “I’m so sorry!” I managed to get out before the tears started falling. Her hooves looped around me and she sat back. “Sorry? For what? Azurite, what’s going on?” I sniffled and buried my eyes against her chest so I wouldn’t have to look at her. “I’m a bad friend,” I whimpered. “What? Who said that? Did that therapist say that? Do I need to go back there and stomp her hoof?” Aurum said with a resolve that told me she would. “No! Don’t do that. She didn’t say anything of the sort, but it is true,” I muttered, leaning back a little. “Now how is that true?” Aurum asked, ducking her head to find my eyes. “I never ask about you! It’s always just my problems and you just listen endlessly, help endlessly, and I just keep taking more and more.” Aurum’s lips pressed tightly together. She shook her head before pressing her forehead to mine. “Now that isn’t true. Not one word of it. You brought me into your home, you gave me the bedroom, and you plan activities for me. You’re a great friend!” “But I don’t ask you about your feelings!” She chuckled and rubbed my back. “No, I suppose you don’t, but ponies express love and affection in different ways. You show more than you say and that is fine. There isn’t any one correct way to do it.” I held onto her and softly rubbed my cheek against her chest. “Still, you can talk to me about… you know, stuff. Stuff like Quartz.” Aurum stiffened and her hoof paused in its stroking. She took a deep breath and then continued. “I know I can, but don’t worry about that. He hasn’t responded to any of my letters. I guess he hasn’t noticed I’m gone.” “No, I’m sure he has! He is young and he just needs time!” I squeaked, looking up at her. She laughed softly and set her hoof under my chin. “You’re so sweet. You do realize he’s only a summer younger than you, right?” “Yeah, like I said, he is young! Young ponies like us make foolish mistakes all the time,” I said, trying to lighten the mood. It worked enough to make Aurum smile and that made me feel better. She kissed my nose. “Well then I have hope, don’t I?” “Yes! Write him every day. Badger him into noticing. That is what ponies respond to, right? Nagging?” I asked. “Maybe. You know what, it might make me feel better if I talked about it a little. If you really are willing?” “I am! I promise,” I squeaked. She let me go with a final stroke of my mane and then went over to sit on the couch. “I blame myself, mostly. Ocean Wave and I haven’t really gotten along for the last few summers. That wasn’t something I kept from Quartz. In fact, I made it more obvious than I should. “Ocean Wave thought we should keep it quiet and that’s what he did. I was more vocal. You think young ponies make mistakes? So do slightly older ponies. I think Quartz blames me for the relationship falling apart because I’m the one he saw acting out.” I settled onto the floor. “Surely he knows that isn’t true, though.” Aurum shrugged. “Deep down, sure? It doesn’t make it hurt less. And even though he is an adult, he shouldn’t have been a part of that.” What would Mindful Soul say here? I had to think like her. “Have you tried telling him that?” That seemed about right. “How could I do that? It was hard enough to say it to you. Can you imagine admitting to your child that you were completely wrong and that you ruined everything?” she asked, her hoof on her heart. Hmm, now what would Mindful Say? Something profound. Something hard to hear but correct. My head titled. “In my opinion, you didn’t ruin everything. You feel as if you made a mistake. Quartz might feel that way, too,” I rambled. It seemed right. “Shouldn’t you try to tell him how you feel? Not what you did?” Aurum bit her lip and looked up at the ceiling. “I mean, you don’t have to! I’m just trying to tell you what I think Mindful Soul would tell me,” I admitted hurriedly. She shook her head. “No, it’s good advice. My letters have all been casual. I’ve been talking around the issue completely. To be honest, if you read them, you’d hardly know anything happened. Maybe it’s time for me to be more direct?” “Only if you think so. I’m not a licensed therapist. I’m just a frequent customer.” Aurum snickered and winked at me. “So noted. I guess I better write another letter. A more specific one. Assuming you’re okay? You’re not still beating yourself up in your head right now, are you?” I waved my hoof at her. “I’m not, it’s empty right now. I’m fine! Totally fine. You do you.” “Alright then, I’ll be in the bedroom if you need me,” she said before hopping up and wandering off. That left me with free time. Free time to settle on the couch and study. Studying would help me get past the residual feelings that I was a bad friend even though Aurum said I wasn’t. Studying would also help me get over the fear that I’d just sent Aurum to her doom. What if Quartz did blame her and told her so? This could go so wrong. Mindful Soul made this look easy. Yes, focusing on my books would be the best thing to do. Mathematically speaking, I couldn’t not pass the rotation. All I had to do was show up, put my name on the test, and leave. Not that I would ever do that! My ranking in the class was more than just a source of pride. The better your rank when you graduate, the better your posting. Pony Resource Officers were needed all over Equestria. My special medical waiver meant I wouldn’t be sent far from Canterlot, but I wanted to earn my way here legitimately, not because of that. There were also a lot of posts in Canterlot. They ranged from the PRO that worked for a local patrol division to ones that processed paperwork in the palace. That meant there was a reason to keep going hard. That and the pride. I had pride, too. After I finished, there would only be one rotation left. I didn’t even know exactly what mine would be. Chief Print would make some recommendations and I’d pick one. I wasn’t sure what I wanted to do for my specialty yet. Not exactly, anyway. All I knew is that I wanted to help ponies as much as I could. There wasn’t a specific role for that, but I was certain an answer would come to me when the chief laid out options. That would make it a multiple-choice test, and those were the easiest. I started flipping through the course material. After about half an hour, I realized that it was all familiar to me. Not just familiar, but almost to the point where I could spout it off word for word. Perhaps studying wasn’t the right use of my time. I set the book aside and nestled O.C. Topus on top of it. “You learn that, you’ll need a job someday, too,” I told him before I reached for my puzzle book. As I did, something caught my eye. There was a small easel with a canvas on it standing off to the side in the kitchen. Where had it come from? Was it Aurum’s? Did she paint and not tell me? I’d have to ask her later for sure, when things settled down. Maybe she’d let me borrow it sometimes. I shifted my attention back to the puzzle book in my hooves. I didn’t have this book memorized. It was the kind where you had to match all of the numbers in the squares. I enjoyed that sort of thing since it resulted in perfectly lined-up boxes. This was one of the highest-level books ponies made. According to the cover, it was created by a mare with two doctoral degrees. We’ll see how good she was! It turned out she was really good. I’d barely made it through the first puzzle before I wanted to chuck it across the room. Glaring at the cover, I muttered, “Who are you, Doctor Bubblegum? Why are you so good at puzzles?” “What’s that Azurite?” Aurum said as she wandered out of the bedroom. I lifted my book and shook it at her. “Doctor Bubblegum. She writes these books. Who is she? Why is she so good at puzzles? These are super hard!” Aurum blinked. “Isn’t that good?” “Well, yeah! I still just want to meet her someday. Anyway, are you already done with your letter?” She nodded and held it up. “I’m going to the post office right now to drop it off. I want it to go first thing in the morning.” “I’ll go with you,” I replied before hopping up. “Are you sure? It’s getting pretty dark out there.” “I’ll be fine. We’ll be together and I thought you might want some company. I’ll even hold your hoof if you like,” I said, offering mine up. Aurum laughed and took it before the two of us walked out. Canterlot was quiet on a Monday night. The street lamps were already glowing and there weren’t many ponies out and about. Aurum and I held hooves as we walked down the block towards the local post office. As we got closer her grip tightened. “It’s going to be okay,” I said softly. “I really hope so. What if he just ignores this one too?” “Nothing ventured, nothing gained?” I parroted off. Aurum snickered softly. “Is that something Mindful Soul would say?” “I don’t think so. She’s not big on colloquialisms, but I still think there has to be some truth there, right? I mean, isn’t it something ponies have been saying forever?” “Yes, I think so. It’s more geared towards financial advice than relationships I believe,” Aurum replied as we turned the corner and went down another street. The post office was halfway down the block on the right. We stopped outside of the door and she looked through the glass. “So this is it,” I said, still holding onto her hoof. “Yes, yes it is.” She took a breath, let my hoof go, and went through the door. I shuffled off to the side so other ponies could get in and out of the door if they wanted to. I didn’t anticipate any, really, because it was almost closing time. Aurum was inside for about ten minutes before she came out looking a bit pale. “Done?” She nodded. “Yes. Dropped off, overnight paid for, and they tell me he’ll probably have it before sundown tomorrow. Now it’s just going to be an excruciating wait.” I offered her my hoof and she took it without hesitation. On our way home, I gave it a squeeze and she returned it. It was odd to see Aurum so quiet and without her usual confidence, but I understood. This was Quartz. This was her son. Truthfully, this was the most important pony in the entire world to her. My mother and father would do anything for me. They always had. Aurum was no different. That is what made our family so special and so wonderful. Aurum had been here for me while I recovered, and now I was going to be there for her. “You know what we need?” I asked. Her head tilted. “What’s that?” “Ice cream. Loads of ice cream.” Aurum’s nose wrinkled, and she laughed. “Oh yeah? And you’re going to take me to get ice cream at night in the cold season?” “If it were just me, absolutely not. For you, though, I’ll move this mountain if it helps any,” I replied with a confidence I actually felt. “We’re family, we’re friends, and we’re there for each other. Let’s go get ice cream.” Her ear flicked and she smiled brightly. “Well, alright then. Let’s go get ice cream.” We started to head to the ice cream parlor together in relative silence. I didn’t want to push her to talk. I knew how hard that was, but then I realized I had a question. “Hey, Aurum?” “Yes?” “There was an easel in the kitchen.” “Oh! Yes, I’m so sorry, I got caught up in you being upset and then me being upset. I know you haven’t gotten to go to art class as much as you want, so I got you your very own easel for home. You can paint when you want.” She’d done that for me? I looked up at her. “Hey, Aurum?” “Yes?” “Did you know you’re the best friend I’ve ever had and that I love you?” She smiled and came to a stop. “I did, but it’s nice to hear.” “I’ll tell you more often, I promise,” I said before giving her a quick hug. “But let’s keep going, though. I want to get you ice cream, not make us cry!” Aurum tapped my nose with a hoof. “Good thinking. Come on, let’s get to it!”